straight from my mother's womb

merry christmas

2011-12-27T10:05:00.002+08:00

it's been a crazy christmas. in more ways than one. relative light of workload, but emotionally turbulent. in more ways than one.

i'm a happy mom and wife. i couldn't ask for more. thank you lord. whatever i have done to deserve all these blessings, i don't know. kung wala man, teach me how to pay everything forward. tell me how.

there are things that are just not worth acknowledging. believe in signs. and all signs point to NO. so stop it. stop.

the world revolves on deadlines

2011-11-20T16:20:00.003+08:00

speed and quality. in a perfect world, you can have 'em both. and prioritize both. pero pag pukpukan na, at biglang tatawag ang ep to say na kailangang magsubmit ng script in 4 hours, minsan kelangan mong mamili sa dalawa. somehow.

usually, pinaprioritze ko ang quality. kaya usually, erm, nakocompromise ang speed. for a change, these past two submissions, pinrioritize ko ang speed. ang sarap ng feeling nang makasubmit nang mabilis. ang gaan sa pakiramdam, walang guilt, unlike, say, late ka.

pero na-realize ko, after a good night's sleep at binasa mo uli yung sinubmit mo nang mabilisan, ang bigat pala sa pakiramdam. parang gusto mong bawiin yung pinasa mo. suddenly you dread the day when you'd see what you'd written playing out on screen. passable is fine but passable is not going to make a good reputation. and hastily-done, downright ugly work can actually harm you.

not saying it's better to be late than low-grade. pero mabigat din pala sa loob yung trabahong "pwede na yan". lalo na kung alam mong yun na ang eere. parang gusto mo yatang magtago sa ilalim ng kama pag umere na. syempre mas maganda yung magsubmit ng maayos na trabaho and on time. but this is an imperfect world, and i am an imperfect writer. ang good news, though, people can get better. better, and faster.

moral of the story: try and try to be fast and good until you succeed.

at november's peak

2011-11-14T21:36:00.002+08:00

and it's an easy-going, work-free night. that's the reason why i work, to earn moments like this.

at 8am, done with work. went to the cashier, collected rice stub, went to the bank, did a little grocery shopping--with one more day free i feel like cooking my free time away; that is, when i'm not bonding with the babygirl or hubbybear. my favorite potato salad is on the cookbook, so is a mission to copycat a director/co-worker's tinapa rolls. yummm. sana kahit hindi ko masakto, masarap naman lumabas.

met with my mother for a little early-dinner bonding session at R@zon's. dapat sana, sa tr@mway timog for the yummy chinese buffet dinner, but we were two hours too early and i was raring to go home so that i could catch aysee bear awake, so we decide to skip the buffet and go to the nearby s@vory. turns out it wasn't as near as i had calculated, at dahil pagod na ang aking uber energetic, 69-year-old mama, napunta kami sa nearest resto around---R@zon's.

i'm a food addict. at least, for today. first time i tasted r@zon's sizzling bulalo, i fell in love. at yun ang dahilan kung bakit pumayag akong bumalik. mama ordered the traditional luglog (sarap, as always), plus the famous halu-halo for dessert. first time kong nakatikim ng halu-halo ng r@zon's. and i fell. in love. again.

wanderlusting. gusto kong mag-travel sa labas ng bansa. europe. south east asia. east asia. america. mmm. kelan kaya uli.

gusto ko ring pumunta ng palawan. salamat sa surv1vor. hehe.

nakakatamad magblog. ewan ko ba. basta masaya ako na kahit papano nakadaan ako sa simbahan today. at nakapagpasalamat. sa lahat lahat. thank you so much, lord.

post-deadline debriefing

2011-10-07T01:17:00.002+08:00

wow, bangis nun. my first entry in months and i'm about to spew some serious sh1t. i just finished a 59-sequence weekly ep script and i'm drained like hell. para kong nanggaling sa isang quasi-traumatic experience. sa sobrang pagod ko parang gusto kong matulog ng isang buong weekend.

pero hindi pa pwede. dahil may isang script pa. and i'm expecting this next one to be harder than the previous one. and i only have til tomorrow night to finish it.

i'm no stranger to tardiness. we're bedfellows. a bad bedfellow, that tardiness. i've always wanted to kick it out of my bed.

ideally, after my last submission, i shouldn't stop working. kasi nga may deadline pa. but i just need to rest. and breathe. and sleep. at least for 5 minutes. or 5 hours.

writing ain't no walk in the park. but it's better than most jobs i used to have. better and more rewarding. so kahit ano pang reklamo ko, hindi ko ipagpapalit ang pagsusulat. walang taong perpekto at walang trabahong perpekto. pero kahit hindi sya perpekto, mahal mo.

i don't think i was born a writer. i don't get in The Zone that easily. especially lately. i'm not the type who would write stories during my leisure time (at least, not anymore). i don't have dreams of winning the palanca (...anymore). pero kung anuman ako ngayon---a writer-by-profession, mainstream sellout, whichever way you want to see it---i'm content and happy. i love writing because it fulfills me to a certain extent. i get relatively good treatment because of it. and it pays the bills. i realize that when you get to this stage in your life, you don't necessarily stop dreaming. your dreams just change, become more grounded and practical, more attainable and more real. i don't want to speak too soon--but i think i'm loving these 30ish years. knock on wood.

sa sunday may bday party ang anak ko. saturday kelangang bumili ng regalo. monday may meeting. tuesday onwards, sana malibre ako...kahit tatlong araw lang...o apat...o lima. just enough time to recharge and reboot and just...breathe.

toxic august

2011-09-02T02:17:00.002+08:00

and i'm not exaggerating. phew. buti na lang tapos na sya. looking forward to singing "today i dont feel like doing anything" just for one day. one day lang, or two. para lang magrecharge, makapag-dinner kasama si osobear, at mayakap ang anak naming si ayseebear.

kahapon bumongga ang murphy's law sa life ko. as in. toxic to the max from madaling araw til late evening. wala pa kong nakukumpletong tulog since god knows when. nakahostage ako sa marikina for 3 days yata yun dahil dun lang ako nakakapagsulat while yow-ing (pero ngayon malaya na ako uli dito sa malabown). ang problema doon, walang signal ang phone ko. at malayo ako sa anak ko. sobrang namiss ko ang anak ko during those 3 days. <3

hay mahabang kwento. marmaing kwento. pero hilo na ako. kelangan nang magpahinga. dahil bukas may meeting pa. at isa pang medium-sized labada. kelangang ibabad sa isang batyang panaginip at banlawan bukas ng isang tasang kape. o sige. goodnight na muna.

p.s. september na? magpapasko na? nakabullet train ba ang panahon or sumthin? btw, not looking forward to october onwards. SO not looking forward to that PEEBEEBEE thingy. i HATE it when it gets toxic like that. ugh.

another p.s. last quarter gift to myself: a new minilaptop of my preferred brand. knock on wood wag sanang mabalis o mabuyag. i hope everything goes as planned.

thank you lord for the work, for the chance to earn, for the chance to be fulfilled and useful, i thank you everyday for taking me to the place i'm in now,when three years ago i wasn't as happy or as fulfilled. and so much poorer. kaya salamat po. please keep me healthy for my family's sake. please lord. allow my body to resist disease, allow my body at least just one vice. please keep me healthy lord. healthy, happy and fulfilled.

gusto kong maging downloadable...

2011-08-26T18:11:00.003+08:00

...kahit may asawa't anak na. pwede ba yon? universe, i will it. ivi-visualize ko na para magkatotoo, ayon sa The Secret. healthy yon para sa self-esteem ng isang babae, to still be downloadable no matter what her role or status in life is.

haha. pasensya na. may virus lang ako ngayon sa utak. pampa-GV lang on a wet rainy early evening ;-) bago maki-UBE kasama ang workada ;-0

kundi nyo magets ang sinasabi ko, manood na lang kayo ng GR0W1NG UP sa September 4 sa channel 2, sunday ng hapon. Yun na!

releasing f***g garbage

2011-08-20T16:26:00.003+08:00

there is no other way to get the work done other than just getting it down. taena. nasan na ba ang latigo? work, bitch work! i don't friggin care if you're tired or whatever, you only have today to finish fucking EVERYTHING because tomorrow belongs to you daughter, you hear me? and if you don't finish everything today i'm going to really, really really hate you. bitch.

one sparkling moment yesterday: phone beeped, and it was the most unexpected person. i thought it was osobear. it was just. surreal. at that very moment i had this feeling that i'm the person who can make her wishes come true. wish for it, it will happen. just like that feeling more than 10 years ago.

stupid bitch, work! stop gloating and floating, dammit!

proud momma time once again

2011-08-15T00:59:00.003+08:00

bilang birthday month ito ng pinakamamahal kong babygirl, here's a few glimpses of her development over the past 12 months. mula sa 6 pound yellow-brown baby na niluwal ko noong augsut 23, 2010, she has grown into the healthy, happy baby who now has two front teeth and another one on the way.

at 11 months and 2 weeks, she's cuter than a button and more adorable than A in this doting mother's eyes, but remembering her days as a sweet little newborn moves me to near-tears. ewan ko. iba ang impact sa akin ng memories ko of audrey christi nung mga panahong yon. i get uber sentimental. grabe ang sense-memory faculties ko during those days.

even today, pag may nakikita akong bagong panganak na baby, i get transported to my memory of my daughter when she was that age. and no matter what my mood is, i would be softened, warmed inside, just being reminded of my child in the early days of her life, small, helpless and completely dependent on me.

more taboo things to laugh about...

2011-08-12T16:42:00.002+08:00

but i really hope it stops soon. it ain't gonna be funny if it's gonna be serious. so i really hope, sana gumawa ng paraan ang diyos. na tanggalin na ang laughter at fascination sa akin. dahil kung didibdibin ko, it's gonna be a serious matter, and i don't want it in my life. i shouldn't want it in my life.

pero ewan. hati ako. gusto kong tumawa. i'm sure you got it wrong, 99.5 percent. yung .5 percent, gusto kong ibigay sa sarili ko. sige na nga, umasa ka kahit papano. harmless naman. pero taboo e. di dapat. for a million more reasons than ever before.

ang weird lang, na may sasabihin kang ganon. considering how i feel about the matter. something i've never shared to anyone. to share it is to acknowledge its existence. ayokong i-acknowledge. gusto ko na lang na may gawin ang diyos para mawala yung feeling ko. about the matter.

eto na naman ako. it's the wrong time for stuff like this. and i'm already the wrong person for it.

crazy day

2011-08-06T00:31:00.003+08:00

yesterday was a crazy day. 1 powerpoint to rush and i didn't have the faintest idea how to revise it. 1 long pitch to "memorize" but my mind was preoccupied with the powerpoint i still had to do. 2 weeks' worth of scripts to revise in time for monday, but since monday pa yon, inuuna ko muna yung mas urgent. pero ang hirap ng conceptualizing level, lalo na kung lost ka na sa directive na susundin mo. sa direksyong tatahakin mo. lalo na kung mag-isa ka lang. at lalo na kung may babygirl ka na may separation anxiety from you dahil nangingilala pa sa bago nyang yaya. at lalong lalong lalo na kung may trangkaso, sipon at ubo ka habang kailangang gawin lahat ng ito.

at eto pa...kelangan mo ring maglipat ng gamit sa kabilang bahay dahil sa monday, darating na ang may-ari ng bahay na tinitirhan mo sa ngayon. 1 month kang magiging nomad. and with so many things to do, wala ka pang nalilipat ni isang piraso ng gamit. dahil hanggang sa kahuli-hulihang minuto ng araw na yon, nasa conceptualizing level ka pa rin. lost pa rin. caught in a freezeframe, watching the TTDs zooming around and over you. nagreverse reaction ka. instead of panicking towards action, nag-hang ka.

pero lahat pala talaga--or most, at least---may dahilan kung bakit nangyayari. di ko maintindihan kung bakit somehow hindi ko matapos-tapos ang conceptualizing part ng powerpoint na yon. yun pala, hindi rin ako pagpepresent-in today. thank you lord. kahit nginarag ko ang sarili ko all day all night sa kakaisip, at prepared na kong mathumbs down kanina dahil hindi ako masaya sa lumabas. thank god talaga.

thank god din kahit kanina, may blooper na naman ako sa harap ng mga bossing as i was making my story pitch. sa kalagitnaan ng presentation, i went into another coughing fit. it was so bad i couldn't continue, and my headwriter had to step in. kakahiya. kakadiri. kakahiya! inabutan na ko ng tubig ng CM namin. nakakahiya talaga, dahil hindi yon ang first time na nangyari sa akin yon. the last time, our superbossing was covering his mouth in disgust. ARGH! gusto kong mamatay sa hiya.

thank god pa rin, dahil kahit ganoon ang nangyari, naapprove ang concept namin. yehey! sana tuloy tuloy na ang approval hanggang sa kataas-taasan.

now that that's done, time to move out. and face my script revisions. yahoo! i love this project. i love remembering the times when i was young.

sana maging masaya ang weekend na ito. i'm bracing myself for one month of drastic changes dahil sa bagong living setup. hay. isang buwan lang naman. mabilis lang yan.

baby update

2011-07-12T00:16:00.003+08:00

clapping her hands.
growing her first tooth.
sitting up, rolling over, "walking" around her little pen while holding onto the bars.
everything techie and mechanical is interesting to her--cellphones, remote controls, laptops, even electric sockets.
laughing and gurgling and giggling and responding to interesting stimuli.
watching tv with undivided attention.
opening up her arms to someone whom she wants to carry her.
crying whenever mommy leaves the room.

all these new things, audrey christi can do at 10 months old. and mommy's proud of her!

TTDs swimming in my head

2011-06-22T14:41:00.002+08:00

sabi ni mareng susan pinakswerteng month ko daw ang june. ayokong maging nega, pero hanggang ngayon naghihintay ako ng TA-DA!!!! moment. first week of june, highly emotional dahil sa pagkamatay ng hipag ko. second week of june, tadtad sa trabaho at may bagong stressful change sa homeplace which required me to adjust my working habits. kaya walang momentum. nakakalorky.

ngayon third week of june na, ganun pa rin, counting the days til i can get back to my old working habit (that is, working with yosi in my fave place any old time I want to). at napaalalahanan (?!) na ko kahapon ng CM ko re my deadlines. dahil sa dami ng mga little thingies na nagpile up nang sunud-sunod, parang gusto kong kumalas emotionally and mentally, parang gusto kong mag-hang at magplay hooky for a moment, stop the rapidly spinning world and steal a moment to have yosi. it's bad for my health and it's deadly, but it's my totem. my anchor to sanity in the most kakalorky of times, these days.

ang hirap pa ring pagsabayin ang pagiging ina at pagiging trabahadora, pero keri lang, sige lang nang sige. worst fear ko ang hindi ako makilala at makasanayan ng anak ko habang lumalaki at nagkakaisip sya kaya't hangga't maari hangga't kaya, siya ang pinaprioritize ko. hence, the missed deadlines. the delayed submissions. the paghahapits and everythang. owell. tapos na ang mga araw ng pagbubulakbol. time to get back in line and fess up.

dahil mid june na at sabi ng mga bituin, it's my time to shine. haha. sanahhh. pano kaya? mag-glittery blouse kaya ako sa susunod na meeting?

taas ng frustration level these days sa working setups and all. pero nilulunok ko na lang. niyoyosi ko na lang (nang patago). sana lang magpay-off ang lahat with ka-chings and ba-blings (may target savings akong gustong maabot at malayu-layo pa ang iipapag-ipon ko). bukod pa don, gusto kong gumaling. gumaling na tunay. galing na wagas at walang kwestyon.

galing at bilis. give it to me universe. galing bilis at mahaaaaabang pasensya. malaaaawak na pang-unawa. and yes, a little extra extrovertedness. pero optional na lang po yung huli. salamat po lord. sa anak kong mabait at matalino at maganda. hehe. sa asawa kong pinagmanahan ng anak ko. sa asawa kong totem ko din sa mundong ginagalawan ko ngayon. salamat po sa buhay ko at wala na po akong mahihiling pa bukod sa pagpapatuloy ng kung anong meron ako ngayon. (and that target savings account, hehe).

thank you, thank you, thank you lord. sana maging masaya at glorious nga talaga ang june onwards para sa akin. :-)

ang hirap...

2011-06-14T21:29:00.002+08:00

...gumalaw nang lugmok ang spirits. i know i should react to it positively, be more determined and take it as a motivator, pero sa ngayon, hirap lang ako. gusto ko lang magyosi sandali at huminga nang malalim.

hindi magiging mabango ang bunga sa iba kung hindi mayabong ang puno. you can only be as good as the roots where people deem you came from. or maybe, kung anong puno sya ang bunga. ayoko. ayoko ayoko.

lost ako. di ko na alam kung ano ang tama o mali. maganda o hindi. sa ngayon, yun ang nararamdaman ko. feeling ko bulok na bunga ako. bulok o bubot. same difference, in the context of the here and now.

puff. puff. puff.

audrey christi at nine months :-)

2011-06-05T10:34:00.003+08:00

she can now crawl forward and lift herself off the ground with her arms and knees
eating solid foods---all natural veggies and oats. no preservatives!
a certified toddler! bilis na nyang gumapang!

losing a sister

2011-06-04T09:02:00.003+08:00

yesterday my sister-in-law's 6-year battle with cancer was over. she died at 4 pm. she was 44.

nakakawindang lang ang mga pangyayari. how swift yet how long and laborious it all seemed to be--last month lang mukhang okay pa sya, naglalaro ng P vs Z sa sala, naggogrocery, tinuturuan mag-piano ang mga anak nya. pero she fought with the disease for six years, and her final days were just...excruciatingly painful, for her and for the people around her, especially her family.

we were there til her final moments, we were with her when she drew out her final breath, and it was just so painfully surreal, how her body could just give out like that, a machine that was just waiting for itself to conk out. 9 months ko pa lang nakakasama si ate sa bahay, and during those 9 months hindi ako nagkaroon ng enough time talaga para maka-bonding siya. pero sobrang apektado pa rin ako. sobrang bigat pa rin sa loob. yesterday was the first time i ever saw a person actually die, and her death, though it wasn't violent, it was so long and torturous, you'd wish for the sake of the person na sana it would be over. so that the pain would be over. at makapagpahinga na sya.

mabigat sa loob ko na makita syang ganon, pero wala pa yon sa kalingkingan ng nararamdaman ng nanay nya, asawa nya, at mga kapatid nya. kahit yung husband ko na bunsong kapatid nya, who was normally emotionally incorrigible, he started crying at the sight of his sister. understandably so, kasi parang pangalawa nyang nanay yon. when someone you know dies, the shock and the sadness will always remind you of how fragile and helpless we all are. pero iba pag taong sobrang malapit sa yo. iba pag 30 years ng buhay mo, lagi syang nandyan. siya ang laging nagtetake charge sa lahat. pag di mo kayang alagaan ang sarili mo at walang ibang mag-aalaga sa yo, siya ang maasahan mo. kaya di maimagine kung gaano kasakit yun para kay osobear. if i were in his shoes, baka di ko yata kayanin.

at least kahit papano, nakapagpaalam siya nang maayos. nakapagpasalamat siya, at naipaalam nya kay ate kung gaano sya kagrateful. in most cases, when people die and leave us unexpectedly, marami tayong regrets. na sana nasabi kong mahal mo sila, na sana nakapagsorry ka. at least kahit papano, nagawa ng pamilya ni ate jonna yung mga yon sa kanya. up to the last minute of her life, her family was right beside her, holding her hand.

ang personal regret ko, ang igsi ng 9 months. parang kulang pa para mas makilala ko sya, para maging kaibigan. lagi akong busy, at kahit papano nag-aadjust pa rin ako sa bagong pamilya until now. pero sa 9months na yon, may mga nahuhugot akong mga sparkling moments that i will remember her for. tulad nung ikasal kami ni osobear, at siya ang nandun bilang witness. siya ang naging punong abala sa pag-aayos ng kasal namin hanggang sa maliit na family lunch na tumayong "reception" pagkatapos. nang nanganak ako kay aysie, siya ang nag-assist sa amin sa ospital. nang nangangapa pa akong ina sa bagong panganak kong baby, siya ang lagi kong natatanungan, siya ang nagga-guide sa akin.hanggang sa lumaki ang baby ko, para na rin syang naging pangalawang nanay. mahal na mahal nya yung pamangkin nya. sobra. minsan nga nagseselos na ko sa kanya, hehe. nung may libre pa akong oras, sumama ako sa kanila minsan para maggrocery kasama ng mother in law ko. nung kaming dalawa lang ang nasa grocery, tinuturuan nya ko kung paano pumili ng mga kailangan the "wise" way. and during that moment, ramdam ko na pwede ko syang maging ate, dahil maliit pa lang ako gusto ko talagang magkaroon ng ate.

pero masyadong maigsi ang nine months, ate jonna. i wish i could've known you better for far longer. i wish we could've bonded more. pero despite all my regrets, sobrang pasasalamat ko sa yo, sobrang grateful ko sa yo, kasi dahil sa yo lumaki si osobear nang matino...lumaki siya mabuting tao, matibay at responsable. tulad mo. and for that i owe you a great deal, for having raised my husband well. at yung pagmamahal mo sa anak namin, di ko yun matatawaran. alam kong kung nawitness mo lang na lumaki ang pamangkin mo, ikaw ang ituturing nyang pangalawang ina. ayoko nang isipin yung regrets, pero sa maigsing panahon na minahal mo yung anak ko, sobrang appreciated ko yon.sobrang salamat.

nung malubha na ang sakit nya, ayokong isipin na maaatim ng tadhana na kunin sya agad dahil maliliit pa ang tatlo nyang anak. 9 years old ang panganay at 6 years old ang bunso. sabi nga ng husband nya, it's one of life's tragedies that don't make sense. ang daming masasamang loob na salot sa lipunan dyan na ang haba haba ng buhay, bakit si ate pa. yung iba gusto lang magpakamatay, bakit hindi na lang sila. bakit si ate pa na nakakatulong sa maraming tao, na kailangan pa ng pamilya at mga anak nya. pero siguro nga may plano ang diyos. may dahilan ang lahat. hindi pa lang natin makikita ngayon, pero someday, maybe. diyos ang mas nakakaalam.

ang alam ng mga anak niya, their mama has gone to heaven and will be watching over them from there. mas magaan sa loob isipin na nandoon lang siya, parang nagbakasyon lang. and someday pag natapos na ang mundo magkikita-kita din naman kaming lahat doon. for now, though, we have to face life without her. dahil parang may empty gaping hole syang iniwan sa pamilya ngayon. ganito pala ang pakiramdam, the pain and sadness will not end with the death. coping with the days, weeks, months after losing someone in the family is an entirely different chapter. pero may awa ang diyos, we will all be fine. ang importante, at peace na sya, nakawala na sya sa physical pain ng mundong to.

nakakalorky ang simula ng linggo...

2011-05-31T17:09:00.002+08:00

sana nakakalorky din sa saya ang bunga ng mga paghihirap at pagtatrabaho.

sabado, nagsubmit ako ng draft 6. akala ko kahit papano makkahinga na ko for the weekened. may utang pang thingies to another project pero nagdecide pumetiks ng linggo. at dahil mahigit dalawang buwan na yata akong di nkakauwi ng marikina, nagfdecide na simulan ang bagong week by going home to marikina with my babygirl. overnight stay, dahil birthday ng papa ko ng tuesday, today.

kahapon, nakiusap ang ep ng youth show, baka daw pwedeng today na ko magsubmit ng week 2 script para makapag-feedback tomorrow. so um-oo ako. kaso ang baby ko, namamahay sa marikina, ayaw magpaalaga sa iba except sa akin, at buong gabi yatang gising, 11pm na nakatulog. kaya ang resulta, wala akong nagawang pagsusulat where the youth show was concerned. kaya eto, deadline ko ngayon, selfimposed at committed to the ep by 7pm pass your papers, pero taena, malayu-layo pa ko. marami pang aayusin.

maaga kaming umalis ng marikina ng baby ko kanina para madevote ko ang araw na to sa pagsusulat. kaso umandar ang murphy's law. sa atm machine pila, maraming tumagal na nasa harpan ko dahil nagkamali sa pagpindot. kulang kulang 45 mins yata akong nakapila doon. dahil tuesday ng umaga ang hirap makakuha ng taxi na maghahatid sa amin pauwi sa malabon, isang oras yata kaming nag-abang. by the time we got home, it was a little before lunch.

so keri lang, tinrabaho ko na asap ang script. kaso nahilo naman ako for some reason. akala ko nga aneu na. ang daming tawag ni mother nature. kinailangan pang iidlip ang pagkahilo. kaya 3pm na ko nakapag-resume. at tumawag ang ep ng isa pang project, may pinaparush na short script na itetape nila bukas. kaya siningit ko pa.

so ngayon, past 5 na, marami-marami pa, malayu-layo pa. taena. sawang-sawa na kong malate. sawang-sawa na kong magbreak ng promises sa mga PA at EP. kelangang isubmit ito ng alas-7 tonight. I HATE TO, DEMMET. kebs na kung di as best as i can. basta matino at maayos-ayos naman, pwede nang isubmit. di na nga ako dapat nagbablog.

pero i just have to say this. pag bumabalik ako sa marikina, nadidisorient ako. nakikita ko ang discrepancy sa living conditions doon at sa current living conditions ko ngayon. para kong fish out of water na hindi. pero kagabi uncomfortable ako sa marikina, di na ako sanay. marami akong nakikitang mali-ang gulo-gulo dito, andumi-dumi doon, dapat ganito, dapat ganon, sa malabon hindi papayag ang byenan ko na ganito, etc. syempre unfair dahil homemaker ang byenan ko by nature at ang mga magulang ko sa marikina, matanda na para masterin ang homemaking art. pero uncomfy ako. weird, considering na i've lived there my whole life before audrey christi came along.

tapos pag-alis ako don at nandito na uli ako, bigla naman akong nahomesick. para akong na-uproot uli. bigla kong namiss ang bahay na kinalakihan ko. ang suburbia na kinilala kong home for 30 years. di ko maintindihan sarili ko. di ko rin naman masabi sa sarili kong "i belong here now", dahil ang totoo nakikitira rin lang kami sa isang magarang bahay ng kapatid ng mister ko. libre ang kuryente, aircon all day all night, pero bottomline is, it's not ours. and we don't have our own home yet.

so i'm kinda...rootless. floating. ewan. ang hirap magswitch between worlds. pero mahal ko ang pamilya ko sa marikina, love them more than my life. kung sobrang yaman lang ako, bibilhin ko lahat ng nakikita kong kelangan ng bahay namin don, lahat ng gusto ng pamilya ko, lahat ng makakapagpaginhawa sa buhay nila. at endless ang magiging listahan. pero one item at a time muna. pag naka-quota ako sa isang personal goal, ibibili ko sila ng sarili nilang computer.

okay back to work beeyatch. dami mo nang sinayang na oras kakarant about nonsensical thingies. wish ko lang, sana payamanin ako ng youth show na 'to. sana bumaha ang pera at career opportunities and fulfilling moments, dahil handa akong magtrabaho na parang kalabaw kapalit nun.

ang masrap din pag kami lang ng anak ko sa marikina, super close kami. as in, closer than ever. dahil wala syang yaya at ako lang ang pamilyar sa kanya. kaya super attached sya sa akin. sobrang mahal ko ang anak ko. sobra sobra sobra. sana mapalaki namin siya nang tama at matino.

taboo things to laugh about on a rainy night

2011-05-28T20:56:00.002+08:00

i know it's impossible, i know it's ludicrous, i know it's forbidden, i know there's no way it's gonna ever happen and there's no way i should ever let it happen for a multitude of very weighty reasons.

but still. it makes me laugh. i giggle inside, like a schoolgirl. :-D

frustrated on a stormy night.

2011-05-24T22:40:00.002+08:00

bite the bullet. it's not in your hands so just be a leaf in the wind. let it take you wherever it wants you to go.

tons to do. may deadline tonight. but i'm here. frustrated with how things are going. frustrated that i'm supposed to be home working on meeting that deadline. frustrated that i'm being made to swallow a somekinda bitter pill...in front of a firing squad, later this week.

tired. don't get me wrong, lord, i'm grateful. frustration and bitter pills are part of the job, and i accept that. nagbubuga lang po ng kaunti. pero tulog at kaunting libreng oras lang ang katapat nito, okay na ko. happy na uli at mahaba na naman ang pisi.

how i wish i were home. with my husband, and our baby. i wish she were in my arms, her round chubby face pressed against mine. i miss kissing those round chubby cheeks, seeing that happy-baby smile, pinching those round chubby thighs. i miss carrying her and holding her til she falls asleep. i miss her, even if i was only with her this afternoon.

gusto kong gumawa ng sulat sa kanya. a letter to 17-year-old aysie, just to let her know how happy it makes me feel to be her mother. hearing her say "mamamama" for the first time, seeing her finally learning to crawl, waking up in the morning to see her awake and staring at my sleeping face, hearing her newly-acquired gurgly laugh. how happy it makes me to see her smiling at a new toy i bought for her, to see her looking at me and opening up her fat little arms to let me know that she wants to be in my arms. i want her to know all these things, how being her mother has become a source of pride and joy, right now when she's only 9 months old. dahil alam kong when she grows up and gets to be 17, malaki ang posibilidad na malagay sya sa twilight zone that most teenagers go through. para kung sakaling dumaan sya sa "I-hate-my-mom" stage, ma-remind siya kung gaano ko siya kamahal simula pa nung baby siya.

each time i see a newborn, para kong binabalik sa panahon na newborn pa si aysie at sobrang liit pa nya. may heart-tug akong nararamdaman, filled with memories of those days na bago pa lang sa mundo ang anak ko at nangangapa pa ko bilang ina. those were difficult times then, pero looking back, minsan yung mga "difficult" times, they make the best memories.

12:10 am. gusto ko nang umuwi. may deadline has defeated me. and tomorrow is another day. HAY. tulog at konting free time lang katapat nito.

things to do when the things to do are done

2011-05-23T20:36:00.002+08:00

1. take our baby to her monthly checkup.
2. wax an entire forestry off me.
3. buy a memory card.
4. finish the last 2 seasons of lost.
5. get a hot oil.
6. get a pedicure.
7. buy a new laptop sleeve.
8. go home to marikina for an overnight vacation with aysiebear.

surreal lang...

2011-05-16T22:34:00.003+08:00

...na nakasalubong ko sya sa starbucks kanina. ang ultimate crush ko during my office girl days. at kung dati ni hindi ko sya mabati-bati nang magiliw tuwing nagkakasalubong kami noon, ngayon buong ningning ko syang tinawag. at ang sagot nya sa kin? "PAUTANG!"

haha. and worthy of note rin ang little trivia na nangyari ang lahat ng ito sa harap ng aking mister. with nary a trace of jealousy, of course (though it would've been more flattering if there were), at dinaan pa kamo sa biro. "sana pinag-fliptop mo". DUH. men don't get it. we LIKE IT when you're jealous paminsan-minsan.

ayokong markahan ang araw na 'to na 'happy' dahil natatakot ako na baka buweltahan ako ng destiny sa mga susunod na araw. ayokong maging masyadong happy dahil nadala na ako sa kasabihang "happiness overflows into an ocean of tears". so sasabihin ko na lang na surreal ang araw na ito--not primarily because i bumped into the ex-crush---dahil for the first time ever, nagkaroon ako ng interactive, reactive audience among the bosses to whom i presented a concept. little joys, little personal victories na sa akin lang naman importante, pero ang sarap pala ng feeling. na tumatawa sila, tumatango sila, napapa-AAAH sila, na parang nasasakyan nila ang wavelength na binabaybay ko. and it's proof that they're ACTUALLY bothering to listen to the concept. haha.

i've always hated pitching pero ito yata ang isa sa mga rare moments na i actually love pitching. feeling ko kasi i suck at it, but it's part of the job, so i have to hack it. pero basta, little bright spot yun sa araw ko.

anyhoo, lord salamat po. sana po kung gaano kasaya ang araw ko today, ganoon din kasaya bukas. dahil feedback meeting ng council for the youth show. sana naman wag major revisions. sana minor lang. sana madali lang. para makapag-tape na sila. at makasweldo na kami. at makamove on na ko to week2 script.

syet, gusto kong paspasing ang pagpaparenew ng passport ko. dahil gusto kong mag-abroad next month! i will it, i will it! maga-abroad ako next month or sa july! at magiging libre ang pamasahe at accommodations ko! at magagawan ng paraan na mapaspas ang renewal process ng passport ko!

thank you lord for this day! sana happy day din tomorrow and the coming days na magrerevise ako!!!

working alone

2011-05-05T21:17:00.002+08:00

sabi ni ms. miller, this month mas magiging mabuti para sa akin if i work alone. kaya siguro maganda na ngang mag-isa lang akong nagrerevise.

third draft na. pilot. daming requirements. tuesdays with morrie. growing pains. parents-child. bukas ng gabi ang deadline. kaya to. kakayanin to, with god's help.

lord,sana maarok ng utak ko. sana magawa kong ilagay lahat and meet their expectations at the very least. sana makaya ko, sana makaya ko. gusto kong kayanin dahil naniniwala ako sa project.

lord, please help me do this. enlighten me lord. give me fuel, too. endless fuel. or at least, a full tank til monday.

31 candles

2011-04-25T21:14:00.002+08:00

di ko alam kung kailan nagsimulang mawalan ng thrill ang birthdays for me. pero these past few years parang gusto ko na lang mairaos ang 1st day ng bagong edad ko. nonetheless, grateful ako sa thoughtfulness na mga taong nag-aabalang bumati sa akin. hindi rin kasi ako mahilig bumati sa mga may birthday kaya di ako nageexpect na mag-abala ang mga tao na i-happy birthday ako.

anyway, how was day 1 of age 31? uneventful. domesticated. spent mostly in the company of my beautiful little babygirl. kung meron man akong greatest achievement in my 31-year existence. it's having given birth to audrey christi. akala ko rhetorics lang when parents would say that their children are "their pride and their joy". but now that i have aysie, i realize na totoo pala yon. waking up next to her in the morning, seeing her smile at me as i greet her "good morning babygirl!", yun ang isa sa mga happiest memories ko of my past year. hugging her, all round and plump and clinging to me, everything else is relegated to the background, set aside for the moment. she is my pride, my joy, my happiness, the warm core of my heart.

pero guilty mom ako, dahil busy ako sa trabaho. may mga gabi na kelangan syang matulog with her yaya dahil nagsusulat ako ng script at di ko sya maaalagaan. may mga araw na buong maghapon di nya ko nakikita, di ko sya nahahawakan. hanggang ngayon, hirap pa rin akong pagsabayin ang trabaho at pagiging nanay without having to compromise either or. pero hoping pa rin ako na masasanay ako. na matututo akong magconcentrate at magfocus, na mamamaster ko ang time management, na i will get over my guilty for the time that i have to function as a worker, para matapos sya agad nang maayos at makabalik na ko sa role ko bilang ina ASAP.

so ngayon may storyline deadline ako. at wala pakong nagagawa masyado. naka-ilang drafts na kami ng storyline, kakagaling ko lang sa pagrerevise ng scripts, at birthday ko ngayon kaya medyo pumepetiks ako. alam ko mali, and i carry the guilt with me as i write this blog (imbes na magsulat ng storyline, talagang may time mag-blog?). pero HAY. isang malaking HAY. just give me this day to be a delinquent. pagpatak ng 12midnight, i'll get straighten up and get back in line.

happy ako. may goal ako. by end of june, may gusto akong maabot. sana maabot ko. crossing fingers, praying to god.

happy 31st birthday to me!!!! yahoo!!!!

holy week blues

2011-04-19T21:39:00.002+08:00

naiinggit ako sa mga magaout of town this holy week. sa mga pumipila sa airport, sasakay ng bus, pupunta ng bora etc. dahil punong puno ng labada ang holy week ko.

di po ako nagrereklamo lord, naghihinga lang. marami pong salamat dahil yung iba nga walang ginagawa, wala ring kita. kaya thank you so much and yes i'll just embrace it. do what i need to do as well as i can.

ayoko nga sanang maginternet tonight. dahil 10am deadline ko bukas at hindi ako makatutok sa script for the past two days.

pag natapos na to, saka ko mayayakap nang matagal ang anak ko. makakapaglaro na kami ng matagal tagal. pag natapos ko na to. yun na lang iisipin ko. 10am or after holy week na. nakakahiya naman kung after holy week ko na masasubmit.

kaya aalis na ko. have a blessed holy week to y'all!

i eat stress for lunch

2011-02-25T16:04:00.003+08:00

had to skip lunch to finish something for a deadline. nakakabusog pala ang stress? akalain mong concept lang na maituturing pero ke hirap hirap pala? parang mas madali pa sa aking magscripting kesa mag-isip ng concept.

tama ang kutob ko. change concept. pero di naman siguro mapupunta sa wala ang scripts na binuno. i trust and believe, lord. :-)

the other night pinilit akong maglead ng prayer sa premiere night ng soap operang kinabibilingan ko. halos himatayin ako sa kaba. napabili pa ko ng cheap na mukha namang presentableng formal evening dress. at napabili din ang headwriter kong chakang-chaka sa sapatos kong suot noon ng sapatos para sa akin. nakakalurkey. the best surprise gift of the year. all of a sudden i became an owner of quite an expensive pair of signature shoes! salamat sa mabait at mapagmahal kong headwriter! :-D

one down, three to go. natatakot ako sa scenario ng sabay sabay na kelangang gawin for different projects. natatakot ako na baka sumablay dahil sa sobrang dami. sana naman wag umabot sa ganon. at kung umabot man sa ganon, sana wag akong sumablay. sana magawa ko ang lahat lahat nang maganda at maayos...and on time.

miss na miss ko ang anak ko each time may trabahong kelangang tapusin. kasi pag me kelangang tapusin iniiwasan ko muna siya. hindi ako makaconcentrate when i'm in the same place with her. pag naririnig ko siya o nakikita, di ko matiis di sya lapitan. guilt and love. deadly anti-deadline combination.

kaya ngayong tapos na ko sa deadline #1 play play muna kami ni aysiebear. nag-aaral na syang gumapang pero di pa nya kayang umurong paabante. puro paatras, hehe. nagpalit na rin sya ng gatas (for babies 6 months and up) atsabi ng doktor pwede na rin syang kumain ng solid foods. slight lang, wag biglaan. kaya pwede na sa kanya ang paunti-unting egg yolk, mashed potatoes, mashed carrots, mashes bananas, etc. excited na kong pakainin si aysie ng pagkain. feeling ko magiging matakaw sya, tulad ko. haha.

me dalawang trabahong kelangan pang gawin. yung isa, dapat matapos within today, dahil tomorrow balak kong umuwi sa family home. kaya kaunting pahinga na lang, gogogo na ko.

deadma na sa lunch. early dinner na lang later. and that's a day in the life of stressie old me.

p.s. it's that time of the year again. i'm smelling summer in the air. beachlust!!!!!! i dream of going to bora this summer. sana, sana sana matuloy. at sana may windfall moolah para station 1 ako makatuloy. lord, sana!

post deadline highs

2011-02-22T00:08:00.002+08:00

sarap gumawa ng kahit ano pag tapos na deadline mo. ang gaan sa pakiramdam, considering these past 4 days. na nataon pa ang binyag ng baby girl namin last saturday.

happy and proud to finally show her to our friends. sobrang cute na cute ako kay aysie bear parang gusto ko syang laging niyayakap. kawawa naman ang pusa ko sa marikina, medyo narelegate sya sa backburner...kasi pag may baby ka you can't cuddle your cat too much. baka pag kinarga mo ang bata, hikain ang bata. so it's either or. :-(

stressie tomas ang deadline. may meeting bukas emergency daw. i have a bad bad hunch. kung sakali mang nagbago sila ng isip and they want to do something else, sana hindi naman masayang yung efforts namin. sana magtranslate to pesososes ang pagpupuyat, pagsestress at pakikipag-usap sa laptop sa madaling araw.

tramway. mmm. craving for it. i'm so hungry these days.

eto na...eto naaaa!

2011-02-17T19:49:00.003+08:00

* windang. dahil nagsisimula nang mag-pickup ang kabusyhan sa buhay. nararamdaman ko, parating na ang panahon which i've been half-dreading, half-hoping for. scared now, pero walang ibang choice kundi kayanin. lahat ng nagseseryoso sa trabahong ito, papunta doon.

* sabay-sabay. di mo alam kung ano'ng trabaho ang uunahin. kulangn sa tulog, madalas wala sa bahay. deadlines. paigsi nang paigsi ang timeframe, parami nang parami ang scripts. di po ako nagrereklamo lord. naghihinga lang. at nagpapasalamat dahil may trabaho at may pupuntahan. i don't want to disappoint anybody, least of all myself.

* ano'ng mas naeenjoy kong trabaho? maging writer o maging ina? hands down, the latter. kahit hindi ako bayaran, gagawin ko. everytime wala ako sa bahay at gumagabi na, tinitingnan ko na lang ang pictures ng anak ko sa cellphone ko para di ko sya masyadong mamiss. pero namimiss ko lang sya lalo. it's a mad circle.

* i never really liked the hassles of shopping but i love shopping now when it's for my daughter. i love buying her things, from little dresses and kikay things and toys to her bare essentials. she's at her cutest now. feeling ko, 6 months na talaga ang cute nya. she's started to roll over now. kaya na nyang umupo pero wobbly pa.

* natatakot ako sa flagship project na yan. just listening in and learning from the seniors. natatakot ako dahil feeling ko mawiwindang ang mundo ko kapag pinasampa ako. alam nila kung kelan ready na ang isang tao. i want to be good, really really good, and i want career advancement, pero sana pasabakin na nila ko pag kayang-kaya ko na. definitely not today or tomorrow.

* time. lagi akong kulang sa time. pero kahit maraming dapat gawin di ko nakakalimutan mag cafe world everyday. nakakaadik sya.

* binyag ng anak ko sa sabado. pero may deadline sa monday. kasal ko, may deadline. nanganak ako, may deadline. ngayon may deadline pa rin. okay lang, at least laging may trabaho. thank you lord!

* i wanna be a billionaire! so freakin' bad! kaso sa ngayon marami pang gastos! lord, sana dumating din ako dyan!

* ahhhh! magsulat ka na, ampotah!

bubog

2011-01-27T22:29:00.004+08:00

naloloka ako sa additional zodiac sign. for 30 years i was a taurian. tapos ngayon aries na. eh for the longest time binabasa ko ang horoscope ko from susan miller. ano yon...all this time mali pala ang predictions nya sa akin, dahil hindi naman pala ako taurus?? but how can i explain those predictions that seemed right? tsamba??

nakakaloka. parang gusto kong magpakatigas ulo at pangatawanan ang pagka-taurian ko. typical taurian...matigas ang ulo. o yan! taurian talaga ko e!

i wanna be a billionaire, so freakin bad. kanta ko pa rin yan, despite the health scare two weeks ago. masaya ako dahil so far maganda ang recovery ng writer friend kong na-stroke. kaya back to i-wanna-be-a-billionaire mode na naman ako, gustong kuumayod to the max para matupad ang pangarap. hehe, as if naman magiging bilyonaryo ka sa pagsusulat. hindi nga, pero pwede. pwede ka namang yumaman. wag ka lang magkakasakit. yun ang masaklap.

i miss that dead old love. in a place where no one really knows where i came from. and i say nothing, because i wanted to start from scratch, i wanted to fall in love and spend my life with something new. pero ngayon bumabalik na naman yung dati kong nararamdaman. despite the heartbreak of years ago.

hindi pa ngayon. but someday, maybe i can go back to you.

busy days are here again

2011-01-26T21:41:00.003+08:00

i'm starting to feel it, and i'm grateful. my only regret is that i get to have less time for my baby.but it's the sacrifice we'll have to make. para din naman sa kanya 'to in the long run.

thank you lord, for blessings. for good health. for love. for family.

matagal ko na namang alam 'to, pero there are two things i don't like doing: attending high-profile parties, and presenting a powerpoint pitch to the boss. nung isang gabi naggatecrash ako sa isang uber-sushal na party sa corinthian gardens and i didn't think i'd survive the night, antisocial that i am. but thank god, nasurvive ko naman...at nakakain pa ko ng uber-sarap uber-sosyal na foodam. hehe.

neurosis ko na yata to. i really wish i were more of a gregarious girl. ang hirap kayang maging seryosong mahiyain. some people who don't really know me well mistake my shyness for kasupladahan. mataray kasi ang hulma ng fez ko, at pag nahihiya ako o naiilang ako hindi ako masyadong ngumingiti o nagsasalita. maybe if i weren't so shy and serious, life would be a lot sunnier. and it would be easier to make new friends.

hay. masaya ko tonight dahil after three nights, i'm home before 9 pm for my baby and my bosobear. i'm going to bed early with my husband on my left and my baby on my right and wake up refreshed tomorrow. thank you lord.

audrey christie at five months

2011-01-22T14:53:00.002+08:00

she can laugh now. giggle at "peek-a-boo".
she can lift her head when she's lying on her back as if wanting to get up.
she can turn on her side (pero di pa nya kayang tumaob mag-isa).

seasons are turning

2011-01-22T14:35:00.003+08:00

you feel it in the air. parang kahapon lang, pasko pa lang. ngayon mid-january na. yesterday our baby was barely a month old. tomorrow she's turning five months.

january is bound to be busy, and it's starting. gotta earn my paycheck. even if it means working away from my child. walang exagg, pero mga nanay lang siguro makakaintindi ng pakiramdam nung moment na aalis ka ng bahay for work, and you're saying goodbye to your baby. ang bigat sa loob, kahit na sandali ka lang mawawala. kakalabas mo lang ng bahay, makakita ka lang ng ibang baby sa daan, you're instantly reminded of her at gusto mo nang umuwi.

aysie's binyag coming up in january. gotta make the arrangements for it. i've become a pleasant bore now, being a mom and wife and all. so far from the spicy little cynic that i was five years ago. ohwell. seasons are really turning, and you won't notice unless you really pay attention to the little details of every day.

worried but praying

2011-01-13T20:54:00.002+08:00

a co-writer of mine suffered a stroke the other day. i was so rattled and worried for her especially these past two days, dahil ang unang balita, multiple-vein aneurysm daw. wala akong ibang ma-utter kundi the same short prayer--lord, please save her--dahil kaibigan ko ang co-writer kong ito and i couldn't bear the thought of worst-case scenarios. mabait ang diyos, dahil kahapon ng umaga nagising na sya and she seems lucid, and contrary to initial reports, single-vein aneurysm lang pala ang naganap. still, i keep praying. that she will get well, kahit na slowly but surely.

stress over a deadline, poor diet, sedentary activity. feeling ko yun ang nakadale sa kanya. right now naka-check ang two out of three items sa listahan ko. not much exercise, hungry hen ang drama ko these days. pero hindi pa dumarating ang stressful days, happy pa ang buhay sa ngayon, which is what i'm starting to fear. na baka pagdating ng panahon na ako naman ang sasabak sa ganong klase ng buhay, mahirapan ako nang sobra. to the point na magsuffer ang health ko.

hindi pwede, dahil kelangan pa ko ng anak ko. kelangan pang mabuhay nang matagal, kelangang laging healthy. kaya lord, okay na po ako sa balanseng buhay. di ko na po kailangang maging super yaman o super laki ang paycheck, kung kalusugan o buhay naman ang kapalit.

these days, happiness is...

2010-12-29T15:55:00.004+08:00

...watching prison break with my bosobear
...seeing my baby girl smiling up at me
..."talking" to my baby girl and her "talking" back to me
...shopping at the ukay-ukay with bosobear for bedroom comforters
...seeing my baby girl play with her new baby gym
...a cigarette in the middle of the day
...energizing coffee in the morning
...work-free holidays at home with my family
...holiday vacations in marikina with my parents and relatives
...paycheck
...singing "i wanna be a billionaire...so freakin bad..."
...saving up enough for a gazillion things
...a good hair day
...a job well done
...beating the deadline
...a kiss and a hug

home for christmas!

2010-12-23T21:52:00.003+08:00

here in marikina with our baby aysie. tomorrow the hubby will arrive to join us for noche buena. grabe ang paskong to, daming gastos...pero all in the spirit of christmas, sige na nga...basta para sa pamilya, go na...next year na lang ako babawi.

cheers, papa jesus! happy birthday!

hoping for an equally happy (if not happier) 2011!

happy ako...dahil tapos na ang deadline!

2010-12-10T02:06:00.003+08:00

and suddenly i want to do so many things, having finished 2 scripts 6 hours before deadline (haha, proud ako?)!

i want to finish my christmas shopping. get a leg and underarm wax. giftwrap. breastfeed my baby. go to marikina and take care of my keanna. all these, i pray, i can do over the weekend. ;-0

last tuesday i went to a meeting feeling giddy, for the first time in years. wearing a happy-to-be-here smile, optimistic about life, raring to give everything my best shot. on that table were two of the best writers in our unit, and i was almost in awe...most of the time i'd only get to be in a meeting with either one of them. and now i'm going to work with both of them in this project.

salamat po, lord, for the new blessing...sana lang po wag akong biglain...pero tulad nga po ng sabi ko, kung bibiglain ako, sana ulungan nyo po akong kayanin. sana, two to three (or four) months from now, hindi na ko matatakot, dahil kaya ko na. basta kayo na lang ang bahala, lord. in your own time, at your own pace, i place my life in your hands.

gusto ko nang ibreastfeed ang anak ko. dahil sa deadline buong araw ko sya hindi napadede ngayon. ayoko namang hindi na nya ko makilala dahil sa trabaho ko. wag naman sana, lord. love na love ko ang anak ko! nakakagigil sya!

i'm thinking of buying a color tv for the family in marikina. i wonder if i should buy it this december. lord, ano po sa tingin nyo?

pasensya na po lord kung kahit sa kaliit-liitang bagay, iniistorbo ko kayo. i know you wouldn't mind, anyway. love you lord! :-)

it's beginning to smell a lot like christmas...

2010-12-02T18:53:00.003+08:00

..or not. i used to be so good at being able to tell by the smell of the air. but that was when i was still living in marikina. and that's because i'd lived there all my life, kaya alam ko ang pagbabago-bago ng simoy ng hangin sa suburbia. pero ngayon, living at the cusp of urban malabon, medyo mahirap malaman. it's my first time to spend christmas away from the home i grew up in. ibang-iba ang pasko na to, dahil sa mga pagbabago sa buhay ko. first christmas with a new baby. first christmas being married. lots of firsts.

two scripts to go for the soap we're writing. it was seven months in the making but strangely, parang ambilis ng mga pangyayari. i didn't even climax, figuratively speaking. mas mahirap pang manganak kesa gawin ang soap na to, for a multitude of reasons (lots of time, one or two scripts per writing session, the fact that it's an adaptation), pero it's gonna be biiiig. ramdam ko. and i really hope that it would prosper on 2011.

excited for 2011. change is good, i should always remind myself. like most people i'm afraid of change, but really, it is good. it will be good for me in so many ways. i anticipate a little pain that goes along with the transition, pero lahat naman ng growth spurts may pain that would go along with it. and yes, i expect a growth spurt from me. nothing less. walang ibang choice kundi maggrow, at maggrow nang mabilis. or else!

afraid. pero happy and thankful. and praying so hard, so fervently, that he would be my guide, and my ultimate mentor. dahil para ito sa ikauunlad ng buhay. para ito sa pamilya ko. and most of all, para sa anak ko. cliche as it may sound, gusto mong mabigyan namin sya ng magandang buhay. i just realized na iyon na ang misyon ko sa buhay. masayang childhood, magandang edukasyon, maginhawang buhay para sa anak ko.

and to get all that, i have to move up. be better. learn more.

overall, grateful and content, lord. thank you po. happy birthday to you in advance. love you po! mwah!

my little girl at 3 months old

2010-11-27T19:19:00.002+08:00

let me indulge my proud-mommy self...

memories of tita baby

2010-11-23T22:24:00.002+08:00

sad last night, remembering my aunt who passed away. it hasn't been a month, and we still feel her absence, the cold realization that we will never see her again. it still hasn't really sunk in til now, lagi pa rin akong naninibago, hindi makapaniwala. she was always there. always been there, especially for my mother. and i couldn't bear hearing my mother sobbing on the phone. gusto ko ring umiyak, pero pag umiyak kaming sabay, baka lalo lang syang malungkot.

i miss you so much tita baby. i miss your honking outside our house whenever you'd pick up mama for a ride to lola emang's at san mateo. i miss seeing you seated in our sala, in your t-shirt and shorts and the car keys dangling in your hand. i miss kissing you hello. i miss your shrill happy voice. i miss you practical advices, your funny laugh, your banana cake, your presence.

nung bata ako, my earliest memory of you was whenever i'd be vacationing in san mateo, sa kwarto mo ako natutulog...tabi tayo...ikaw ang nanay ko pag nagbabakasyon ako kina lola. spoiled ako bilang bata noon pero takot ako sa yo, pero ikaw ang nagpapaligo sa kin. nung kasal mo, flower girl ako, may sumpong ako on the morning of your wedding day habang nagpapamakeup tayong dalawa, pero nagulat ako kasi di mo ko pinagalitan...siguro kasi naisip mo wedding day mo, bawal magalit kasi papanget. haha.

minsan pumunta tayo sa cubao, kumain tayo ng isang donut sa dunkin' donuts - new frontier, in-introduce mo ko sa flavor na bavarian filled. gusto ko pa ng isa pero nahihiya akong humingi, pero hanggang ngayon paborito ko pa rin yung bavarian filled. every pasko lagi mong sinusukat ng kamay mo ang paa ko, lagi kang nagbabalak na bilhan ako ng sapatos bilang regalo, hindi ko na maalala kung natuloy nga ba ang pagbili mo sa kin ng shoes. ah, natuloy sya, sinama mo kong magshopping ng sapatos ko, bilang bata ang gusto ko yung tsarol na makintab na may mga ribbon, sabi mo wag baduy yan. binili mo ako ng black leather schoolshoes, at kahit ayaw ko nung shoes di na ko umimik...ngayon narealize ko na ang wisdom behind your taste, kasi ngayon nababaduyan nga ako sa tsarol.

minsan sinama ka namin sa beach excursion with my ninong, papa and mama, dalaga ka pa noon, naalala ko kung paano ka mag-sunbathing sa beach habang kumakain ng fried chicken habang naglalaro ako sa buhanginan. nung kinagabihan, tumambay tayo sa kotse para matulog habang nagmamahjong sina mama, you taught me my first song--"nothing's gonna change my love for you". kinakanta mo yun and you were encouraging me to sing along, but i was too young to remember an entire song. pero sa tuwing maririnig ko yung kantang yon hanggang ngayon, naaalala kita.

nung highschool ako going through my awkward years, you always had a solution for every teen problem--pimples, growing boobs, hygiene. you even gave me my first pedicure. nung nagsisimula na kong magsulat sa mga magazines, you were so supportive of me that you photocopied all of my works in your office machine and compiled them all for me. you were so proud of me and i was so flattered, i didn't want to let you down.

andami pang memories tita...kulang ang mga pahina, dahil you were always part of our lives. you were in the periphery, yes, but you were always there for us, just a phonecall away. it hurts to realize na ngayon hindi na kita makikita.

ang dami ko pa namang gustong itanong sa yo. tungkol sa buhay may-asawa. alam na alam mo yan, kasi nagdaan ka din sa phase ng buhay ko ngayon. pagdating sa ganyan, sa budget, sa bahay, sa pangangasiwa ng buhay, ikaw ang idol ko.

mommy diaries

2010-11-18T13:30:00.002+08:00

magaling talaga ang diyos. he knows how to traffic our lives in ways that will ultimately do us all good.

tulad ngayon. work is light, and the soap we're cooking up isn't as stressful to do as the previous soap we'd done. one year ago, i would've been restless, listless, bored. but now i consider it a blessing. because i get to have more time for my baby. siguro okay na yung until after the christmas holidays. kasi baka naman masyado nang maburo ang utak ko pag extended vacation from busyness. nakakamiss din namang maging hectic ang buhay.

three months na si aysie. marunong na syang tumititig sa mga tao, na para bang nangsisino, nage-estima. marunong na rin syang ngumiti at will, kapag friendly face o familiar face ang nakatapat sa kanya. she can coo and make these delightful baby ga-ga sounds every now and then, and it never fails to make me laugh. every day she's looking more and more like her father at nagpapasalamat naman ako..dahil para sa kin guwapo naman ang mister ko. haha. (sana lang wag maging KC case ito...yung parang babaeng gabby).

on the nega side, nakaka-6 or 7k na yata kami sa vaccines at pedia visits nya. and there's more to come. soon kailangan na rin syang pabinyagan...magfifirst birthday na rin siya...eventually mag-aaral na rin sya...walang katapusan ang gastos. kaya naisip ko, we can never really save enough. kailangan walang katapusan din ang pag-iipon dahil from now on wala na ring katapusan ang gastos. ganyan pala ang buhay kapag may anak ka na.

kaya i will it. i will for more money to come. nang hindi naman ako masyadong mai-intoxify sa araw-araw na buhay. or pwede rin, basta sa takdang panahon. basta alam naman ng diyos kung anong makakabuti para sa lahat. i trust in him completely.

one more thing to look forward to: aysie's first christmas. malamang hindi pa nya maaalala to but i'd love to immortalize it in pictures and show them to her when she's old enough to appreciate it---hey anak, this was your first christmas on earth. haha. kahit nga itong blogsite ko, god-willing na meron pang blogger.com in ten or fifteen yeas, ipapabasa ko sa kanya for a blow-by-blow account of her childhood. haha. the wonders of technology.

random shwandom

2010-11-02T13:47:00.004+08:00

* i dream of revisiting the city of pines this november. kaso impractical. i can't leave my baby and i'd better just save the money. now isn't like then, when i'd only have to look out for myself.
* i dream of going back to my first love: reading.
* i miss hanging out with friends. i haven't done that in quite sometime.
* i miss seeing a movie in theaters.
* i so badly want to lose weight.
* i used to dream and get paid for it. i want to go back to that just-dreaming mode. writing used to be like that. i long to go back to that time.
* i'm obsessed with savings.
* i love nursing my baby. love it to bits. she stops crying when she sees me hauling out my chug. she knows it's gonna be feeding time. haha.

my dreams for aysiebear

2010-10-31T16:58:00.002+08:00

1) buy her books as early as 1 year old para bata pa lang ma-inculcate na sa kanya ang love for reading
2) teach her the value of money and savings. pero dahil hindi rin ako magaling don, i'll leave the teaching to her daddy na lang.
3) encourage her to form her own opinion and speak her mind, but teach her to be sensitive to other people's feelings.
4) encourage her in school and in all her personal endeavors.
5) teach her the value of education.
6) teach her how to be a mabuting tao...hindi ko lang alam kung ano yung speicific steps. hehe.
7) discipline her. and control myself from spoiling her.

in love

2010-10-25T12:41:00.004+08:00

with my anak. she's only been with us for two months but my world has started to revolve around her. she's my gem, my legacy to the world, my purpose, something to live for.

kahit may yaya, gusto ko hands-on ako sa pag-aalaga. as much as possible, pag wala naman akong work, she's with me. kasi pag hindi, pag matagal ko syang hindi naaalagaan o nahahawakan, i feel guilty. feeling ko hindi buo ang pagiging ina ko pag hindi ako ang nag-aalaga sa anak ko. pag lumalabas ako ng bahay, siya pa rin ang nasa isip ko. gusto ko nang umuwi agad dahil kelangan ng anak ko ang gatas ko.

she turned 2 months old on october 23. she's starting to learn the world around her, marunong nang tumitig, marunong nang makinig. soon she'll be smiling voluntarily, and making ga-ga-goo-goo sounds. sabi nila pag five or six months na daw at nagrerespond na sa mga tao, nakakatuwa. i can't wait. i can't even believe it's only been two months since ipinanganak ko siya. parang antagal na!

happy and thankful

2010-10-06T15:47:00.002+08:00

that my prayer was answered. i'm done with the final draft; they're taping the episode today. yey! thank you lord!

now i have reserved this day for babytime. take some time to breastfeed and exclusively care for my aysiebear. there are two problems though--dahil medyo ilang araw na rin akong hindi madalas nagpapabreastfeed, mahina ang gatas ko ngayon...at ang anak ko, matakaw pa naman sa gatas, kaya hindi sya nabubusog sa breastfeeding sessions namin.

isa pa, isang linggo ko pa lang syang hindi exclusively inalagaan, nagbago na yata ang timpla nya...nagiging iyakin na siya, at hindi ko siya mapatahan! mas napapatahan pa sya ng yaya nya...and for the first time i am seriously bothered. i'm jealous of the yaya, because i'm the mommy and i couldn't console my baby. :-( the hazards of a working mom. pero ayoko...hindi ako gi-give up hanggang hindi napapalapit uli sa kin ang anak ko. hehe.

basta thank you lord...happy happy...counting blessings...celebrating dahil para kong nabunutan ng tinik sa final draft na nairaos ko. :-)

lord, thank you for a complete draft 1...

2010-09-30T19:39:00.003+08:00

...pero hihirit pa po ako...sana po tulungan nyo ko sa revisions...sana po magkaroon ako ng mas mahabang panahon...meaning itetape nila yung episode na sinusulat ko 3rd among three eps...o kahit na 2nd...wag lang po sanang 1st...

i pray for more time...more stamina...and just a dint of brilliance from you my lord...i pray na sana maapprove agad ang final draft nito para mas magkaroon ako ng time para sa baby ko...sana lord, sana...please help me.

* * *

i don't like the feeling i have when i have a deadline. it's not healthy, to feel like there's a thorn on my side each time. it's supposed to be an exhilarating experience, to write, to pour out my soul on paper. but it's anything but, usually. the pressure to deliver, well and on time, bears down on my soul like twelve-ton lead.

of course, time has a lot to do with it. if i had more time, maybe it would feel so much more different. but deadlines are a reality in our line of work. so there's no other choice but to make it on time, with acceptable results.

kaya lord, nagdadasal po ako. please lord. help me. i'm just another ordinary slowpoke newbie, plucked from my comfortable mother's nest, given this wonderful chance to fly beyond the confines of my comfort zone, and i so want to fly like how they'd want me to, but i need stronger wings. bigger wings. and you, my wind. help me lord.

* * *

i dont like the beginning. i don't like the ending. i would smoke til i barf. even the purported ghost in the house we're staying couldn't distract me from my fear of failure. i don't want to fail in this one; the last time i gave birth and that was a cop-out. gusto ko namang patunayan na kaya kong igapang ito up to the very end. on my own.

holding my baby, seeing her, had never been more appealing then. she was my stress-reliever, seeing her. my love grows with every day. and i just pray na sana gumaling ako at bumilis ako at matapos ko ito agad para mas may time akong alagaan siya.

at 12 midnight, sinubmit ko na. di ako masaya, pero so relieved. earlier that morning, pagkagising ko, dasal ang inalmusal ko. at times when i didn't know shit about what i was gonna do, faith was all i could turn to. kaya sobrang pasasalamat ko kay god dahil somehow nairaos ko ang draft 1.

good luck to me...feedback meeting na bukas. mukhang mauubos ang weekend ko para sa draft 2. help me, god. please.

i'm back (and missing the old life)

2010-09-25T21:18:00.008+08:00

back to work. back to old habits. trying to marry the old with the new, praying that i'd succeed happily.

i'm grateful. sobra. that's why i want to do this right, wanna get back to fighting form. what matters at the end of the day is what's happening in the world within that phosphorus screen.

tuesday deadline. i'm scared as hell and these past two days i've been feeling like the greatest hack in tvlandia but what the heck. i'm going to just keep going. keep fighting. kaya ko to. walang ibang choice. hear me universe?!

i miss breastfeeding my baby. i miss holding her and exclusively taking care of her. dahil kailangan ko nang bumalik sa trabaho, si yaya at mga in-laws ko na ang nag-aalaga sa kanya ngayon. dahil medyo madilaw ang complexion nya, doctor says i should temporarily stop breastfeeding her para malaman namin kung gatas ko ang dahilan ng paninilaw nya.

i guess life's almost back to normal. almost. i guess that one month away from work was a period in twilight zone. i was missing so many things from my usual life back then, but it was not necessarily bad. i actually am missing those days now. those days na naga-adjust pa ko sa bagong bahay at bagong buhay, i would only have my baby when bosobear was away. i learned how to singlehandedly take care of her, how to decode her crying (gutom? nag-jebs? may kabag? inaantok?), how to carry her in my arms and change her diapers and make her burp and lie down on my side while breastfeeding her in the wee hours (para hindi ako mangawit sa kakakarga). kaya ngayon na may iba pang nag-aalaga sa kanya, namimiss ko sya...at medyo nagseselos din ako dun sa mga nag-aalaga pag kinakarga nila ang baby ko, hehe!

masarap magtrabaho sometimes, pero most of the time, mas masarap mag-alaga ng anak. i love my baby!

waaah. i miss you my baby aysiebear! tapusin ko lang deadline ko, maayos lang ang pagkayellow mo, balik na tayo sa dating gawi.

it's almost sunday. two days to go and i still have no complete liners. paksyet. lord, please help me. this is for my aysie. please, please help me pull this through nicely.

right now, i long for...

2010-09-03T19:02:00.002+08:00

...a hot, yummy dinner
...a bottle of coke zero
...a stick of marlboro menthols (or its electronic counterpart)
...choco mousse cake
...home
...my cat, keanna
...a yaya to my little one
...a night out with friends
...peace and quiet. no kids running around disturbing my baby's sleep.

post-partum

2010-08-28T13:14:00.003+08:00

ayokong maging nega...pero medyo nakakawindang ang sunud-sunod na changes sa buhay ko lately. they're happy changes, and i know i have so much to be thankful for. pero...yun nga. nawiwindang ako. dahil normally i can only absorb one major change at a time. now i'm thrown into this state, all of a sudden i'm a mother, wife, manugang, hipag, tita, babysitter, palamunin, exile all at the same time. i'm living in a new home, dealing with new folks, adjusting to a new living setup. longing for the familiar, longing for home, longing for a cigarette break in the middle of all this madness. the madness is all happening inside my head, taurian me who's ever-resistant to change, and since i can't smoke (yet, as i'm breastfeeding), i'm left to other coping mechanisms. like blogging. and crying out of the blue when no one's looking.

drama. may plausible excuse naman ako. post-partum depression ito. i officially declare it. walang kokontra. haha.

bukod pa sa pag-blog at pag-iyak may isa pa kong dapat i-add sa coping mechanisms ko: counting my blessings. pag nami-miss ko ang katahimikan ng bahay namin sa marikina, iisipin ko na lang na swerte ako bilang maraming pwedeng gumabay sa akin dito sa tamang pag-aalaga sa baby ko. pag naiilang/nahihiya ako sa mga bagong kasama, iisipin ko na lang na at least they welcomed me to this house, when it could've been the other way around for anyone in the same situation. pag nami-miss ko ang pamilya ko at ang mga pusa ko sa marikina, iisipin ko na lang na at least i now wake up every morning with my baby and my bosobear right beside me. pag nadedepress ako dahil parang gusto ko nang umuwi at bumalik na sa dati kong nakasanayan, iisipin ko na lang na lahat ng pagbabago ay may discomfort sa simula, pero makaka-adjust din ako...at kahit na alam ko namang i am free to change this current setup if i want to, iisipin ko na lang na i'm doing this for my baby and my husband, na gusto ko magkakasama kami, and if this is the best way for us to be together, i would rather make the sacrifice and endure the pains that go with change.

so yon. naglalabas lang ng neuroses. i wonder kung merong makakarelate sa sitwasyon ko ngayon. i'd really really love to talk with them right now.

things i want to do now that i'm (almost) back to normal

2010-08-27T23:16:00.002+08:00

1) get a hair rebond.
2) go on a weight loss plan.
3) have a beer. or two. or three!
4) have my first (electronic) cigarette.
5) wear my jeans and mini-tees again.

more items on the list to follow. yahoo!

straight from this mother's womb

2010-08-27T17:40:00.005+08:00

august 23, 2010, monday. just another day in the life of someone who's about to give birth for the first time.

530 am. naghahapit ng script dahil deadline na ang monday night. i'm still on script #2, 1 full script to go. hindi na dapat matulog pero hindi ko kakayaning hindi humimlay kahit for a few hours lang.

930 am. nagising. diretso nagbukas ng laptop to make up for sleeping time. before working i uttered a prayer: lord, help me get past this. i had lost hope and fire that i would ever get this draft 3 done right. the deadline was a wall and i would either climb over it or go around it. sabi ko sa diyos kayo na lang po bahala.

around 10 am. naihi. right where i was sitting. nagulat ako, because it's never happened to me before. apart from the discomfort, nakakahiya siya, kahit walang ibang nakakita. haha. little did i know na hindi na pala ihi yun.

soon enough, my balakang started aching. and there was something pink in my urine, which was what really alarmed me. i asked my mother kung ito na ba yon. syempre bago ako sumugod ng ospital kailangan kong masigurado na hindi ito false alarm, dahil sayang ang oras na pwede ko pang gamitin pagsusulat kung sakali. sabi ng nanay ko, pakiramdaman mo.

the aching would subside but would keep coming back. each time, with greater force. i called the doctor to ask if this was it. i got a yes. so i hastily dressed up and was on my way to the hospital.

bosobear and i had agreed that i was going to have an economical delivery at the chinese general hospital, kaya kahit malayo sya sa marikina i insisted on being taken there. it was a 1-hour trip, the longest trip i've ever had in my life. every five minutes the balakang contractions would come and they were excruciatingly painful. parang iniipit ang mga buto ng balakang ko, wala akong magawa kundi umiyak at umire. so cry and ire i did, pero hindi pa rin natatanggal ang sakit, i really couldn't do anything except scream and wail and
stress out my mother and the taxi driver who were the ones with me at that time.

sabi ko, "anak wag mo naman akong pahirapan," pero busy rin si baby sa loob at that time, preparing herself for being born, at siguro wala rin naman siyang magagawa. it was a necessary kind of pain. now i know they're not exaggerating when they call it "birth pains".

12nn. i was wheeled in at the hospital, screaming and crying. ang sungit nung nurse na nagtreat sa akin sa emergency room. sabi sa akin, "MOMMY! HINDI KAILANGANG SUMIGAW! HINDI YAN MAKAKATULONG!" haha. she felt me down there and uttered a curse under her breath. na-tense ako. sabi nya sa nanay ko, "MANGANGANAK NA PO SIYA. PERO PREMATURE KAYA GUSTO KONG MALAMAN NYO NA BAKA MA-INCUBATOR ANG BABY. P20,000 A DAY PO YON, OK LANG BA SA INYO?" ang sagot ng nanay ko (na natakot bigla sa gastusin) "AH, EH, HINTAYIN MUNA NATIN YUNG TATAY---"

to which she replied, "NAKU MA'AM THE LONGER WE WAIT MAS MAGIGING MATAGAL ANG PAGHIHIRAP NG ANAK NYO". on the way pa lang si bosobear non and i definitely did not want to suffer any longer so i butted in with a resounding "OK LANG SIGE NA OK LANG!"

i was put on a stretcher and wheeled in towards the deliver room, which was 3 floors up. sabi ng masungit na nurse, "pigilan mo ang baby mo, wag kang iire! pag nanganak ka sa elevator walang sasalo sa baby mo!" they made me cross my legs para pigilan ang involuntary na pag-ire ko. it was like having LBM and you're trying so hard to hold it in when it's just about to burst out of you.

1235pm. i was wheeled in at the delivery room. kasingsungit din ng nurse ang mga tao doon. pinagalitan pa ko nung isa, "MOMMY NEXT TIME WAG MO NANG HINTAYIN NA FULLY DILATED KA NA BAGO KA SUMUGOD SA OSPITAL HA." sabi ko, please, bigyan nyo ko ng something for the pain. someone stuck a needle in my hand and somehow everything felt lighter. amidst all this the nurses around me started asking me questions like "kelan ang huling menstruation mo?" and "ilang taon ka na?" and the like. it all seemed trivial and funny to me at that time, them expecting me to answer considering that i was in terrible pain, and it seemed that the doctor who would make the delivery was taking forever to arrive.

finally she did, and everything from then on was surreal. i was sensing everything through a haze of pain. finally it was really time para umire, and ire i did, until the baby was out. finally i looked down and i saw this wet little living person being held out to me, and for a moment i became lucid---oh my god, this is it, this is her. all the pain was worth that moment, seeing my baby for the first time.

she was born at 12:44 pm, approximately 6 lbs. not a very big baby but not very small either. everything was a miracle. kahit kulang sa buwan, she needed no incubation, and it was a swift, normal delivery. i was in the hospital for three days, recovering from having been stitched up. now i'm taking a crash course on Baby Care 101. learning by the day, but that adventure merits a separate entry. :-)

life as i know it is over. a new kind of life awaits, this time with a few happy additionals, at kahit na may malaking takot sa loob ko about having to face these changes, gusto kong maging optimistic. and believe that the dust will settle down fast and i'll eventually get used to things. our little girl will grow up well, i'll be able to balance work and home life, everybody will be happy, and yes, everything will be alright. with god's help.

just an afterthought. feeling ko hindi pa talaga meant na lumabas ang baby ko that day. pero nagbago isip ni god. parang sinagot niya ang panalangin ko. he made me go around the wall instead of climb over it.

thank you lord. for everything. with you as my guide, i know there's nothing to fear, nothing to worry about. :-)

no more

2010-08-23T04:59:00.003+08:00

gusto ko na lang tapusin to. at mag-leave. wala na ko pakialam. i've been robbed of my cigarettes to cope with this situation.

may writer ba na nagbigti/naglaslas para may excuse na hindi ma-meet ang deadline?

grabe na ito. i really don't care what would happen anymore. i feel no sense of kinship for the stuff i'm doing right now. tinitira ko na lang. bahala na.

diyos ko, bigyan nyo po ako ng konting pag-asa. konting oras pa. konting lakas pa.

diyos ko...

2010-08-22T22:59:00.002+08:00

...gusto ko na lang pong tapusin ito.

wala nang passion, wala nang amor, sa ngayon...pahinga lang ang katapat siguro at ilang araw na day off.

isa na ang na-email ko, sobrang delayed pa...three scripts to go...yes, i suck big time. pero dumating na ako sa puntang wa na ko keber. if i'm wasting a perfectly good opportunity.

ang alam ko, i want to rest. because my legs feel heavy, the baby feels heavy, and i'm always sleepy. ang alam ko, i want to spend a worry-free day with my bosobear, hugging him til we fall asleep while we're watching those dvds at home.

i long for a worry-free, work-free day with you. my husband. my love. the one who would make me coffee in the wee hours of the night. the one who would give me everything i need, when all i really need is him. i love you so much, i just want to hug you forever.

keso alert. that's what stress does to you. i can't smoke, so i take it out on the ones i love.

lord, tulungan nyo po ako...

fantasies, whines, and the reality of a deadline

2010-08-20T12:33:00.004+08:00

i dream of a wedding. isang heavenly setup. white lilies, pink roses, purple lilacs, chiffon. me in a magazine-cover wedding gown, veil and train flowing, walking on a flower-fragrant red-carpet aisle, with a groom waiting for me at the altar (he's moved to tears with joy). i'm teary-eyed with joy, as well. and yes, pretty. slender and beautiful, almost virginal, with no trace of the bloated mom-to-be that is me today.

in reality, i got married in a CAMANAVA regional trial court. we bumped off a petty-theft trial para lang maikasal kami ng judge. yung mga witnesses sa trial, naki-witness na rin sa kasal. at yung mga nakaposas na nasasakdal, naki-abay na rin. nakakakatawa lang yung whole setup, straight out of a romantic comedy movie. actually, yung judge, reminds me of herbert bistek bautista during his pre-politics days, and the entire time i couldn't keep myself from sniggering. it was just too funny to be true---me and bosobear saying those vows, wearing those rings, the works. in my mind, weddings are for romantic drama movies, and we were miscast. to begin with, i was not the magazine-cover bride that i'd fantasized i would be. i was pregnantn and looking bloated in blue; he wasn't looking so bad then but he's no keanu reeves. so we're miscast, but even non-matinee idols/leading ladies have to get married sometime, so i suppressed my giggle as i slipped the ring in his finger.

before the whole ritual the judge lectured us about the forever-ness of things (he was using big words like LIFETIME, ETERNITY, etc) and i found myself getting a bit intimidated. bigla akong napatanong ng mga tanong na dapat sana ay sigurado na ako sa sagot at that time, pero sinabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, ang importanteng tanong lang naman (na dapat ang ko ay isang resounding "I DO") is "Mahal mo ba Siya?", kaya somehow nawala na nang konti ang takot ko. dahil oo, mahal ko siya, kaya nga ako nandoon.

alas-10 ng umaga ang kasal, the night before ni-rush ko ang isang deadline. after ng kasal, may deadline na naman. tuesday, wednesday, naiyak na talaga ko. dahil feeling ko, wala ako sa hulog these days para kumarir ng isang major rewrite. i'm 8 months pregnant, i just got married, and i've been robbed of cigarettes to keep me sane during lagare-writing times like these.

those days i wish i had a choice, and some people might think i could've had. but truth is i didn't.

tuesday, i signed a contract. happy about it. feeling blest, feeling grateful. but there's a downside to it. you cannot say no. you won't have a choice. thursday was a feedback meeting and my worst fears came true. they wanted a second bloody rewrite. halos burado ang 80% ng 2nd draft na ginawa ko. naiiyak na ko sa harap nila pero pinigil ko. i could save the tears for later when i'm alone.

ngayon, deadline na naman sa monday. madugong rewrite, 4 scripts, at lost ako. napaka-general ng directives, generic ang backbone na binigay. and i have four fucking days including today. gusto ko pa uling umiyak. dahil gusto ko nang mag-maternity leave. in my worst moments gusto ko nang manganak NOW na para may valid excuse akong hindi gawin.

in my worst moments, wala na kong pakialam. it's going to be my midterm exam, that's one way to look at it. pero minsn iniisip ko, i don't care anymore kung madisappoint ko sila. i don't care if i don't pass. i was happy where i was, happy being part of the team. not in i-have-to-win mode right now. not raring to step up, i have too many personal thingies to attend to.

nagpapasalamat naman ako dahil sa compassion ng mga katrabaho ko. sa totoo lang di naman nila problema kung buntis ako ngayon, kailangan nila ng writer na mapupukpok. kaya nagpapasalamat na rin ako dahil nago-offer sila ng tutok-tulong. na kailangan ko talaga ngayon dahil lost na ako. each time magfi-feedback, gustong magpa-rewrite. hindi ko na alam kung ano'ng problema, baka nga siguro ako ang problema. at sa totoo lang willing naman akong magstep down sa project at ibigay ito sa iba kung gugustuhin lang nila. kung papayagan lang nila ako. sa totoo lang, 65% of me, mas gugustuhin pa yon. para lang makaiwas sa stress.

mahigit isang buwan na kong di nagpapacheckup dahil walang oras. pero today, kahit di ko afford, magpapacheckup na ko. sumasakit na ang balakang more than usual, sipa nang sipa si baby Audrey. pag 8 months na daw dapat weekly. pero good luck dyan.

gusto ko na talagang matapos to. PLEASE LORD, I NEED A MIRACLE RIGHT NOW. please answer my prayer.

5 minutes to rant

2010-08-17T17:11:00.001+08:00

yesterday i got married. supposedly i was to go back to work in the afternoon, but i didn't. so now this.

wednesdauy deadline, three scripts. tuesday na ngayon. nasa 1st script pa lang ako, at minumura ko na ang sarili ko. revision supposedly pero structural ang pagbabago kaya parang rewrite na rin. tanginaaaaaa. wala lang. tumatawad ako sa ep pero di na daw talaga kaya. hanggang thu na lang ng umaga ang lahat.

pagkatapos, may nagtext. may meeting daw with bossings tomorrow. hindi pwedeng wala ka don. okay. sumakit bigla ang ulo ko. dahil sa wednesday deadline at thursday deadline at sa oras na mawawala pagpunta ko sa office bukas para sa meeting. pero sige go lang. magdadasal na lang. lord tulungan nyo ko please. lord please. please, please, please.

im hardly in the right condition to work like a mule these days. maigsi ang battery life ko dahil sa baby. gusto ko tulog nang tulog, madaling pabagod. and may mga moments talaga na sa sobrang pressure gusto ko na lang itulog ang lahat.

eto yung nabasa ko sa horoscope ni susan miller for august. times like these kelangang baguhin ang sistema sa pagtatrabaho. kaya kukuha ako ng pwedeng tumulong. hindi structural ang gagawin kong revision for this 1st script. bahala na. lord, bahala na kayo. naiiyak na ko. seriously.

NAIIYAK NA KO!

i was pissed and pouting

2010-08-10T21:05:00.002+08:00

but the truth is i really really miss you. of course that's something that you wouldn't hear from me right now.

naiyak ako dito...

2010-08-10T16:35:00.003+08:00

i did not plan to get pregnant, but when i found out, not once did i seriously consider abortion an option. pero naiyak pa rin ako dito, lalo na sa letter na kalakip ng picture. if it indeed is true, that the babies in our wombs do feel what we feel, i feel guilty for a lot of things. for not always being happy for her. for sometimes wishing that i had had this pregnancy in 2011. for resenting the fact that i had to sacrifice so many habits and so many things because of the baby. for ingesting stuff that i know might not be good for her (coffee. softdrinks. the occasional red wine. pero yosi hindi ko talaga kaya...kahit patay na patay na kong makapagyosi).

nang matapos ko tong basahin, naloka ako. for the first time, i was so overwhelmed by my love for this child, naiyak lang talaga ko.

taena. help me god, i'm so stressed. di ko alam kung kaya kong maabot ang deadline na waring isang pangarap lang. baby, help mo si mommy.

STRESSED OUT

2010-08-08T19:17:00.002+08:00

i want a beautiful, happy family. and a love that lasts forever. above everything else, those comprise my One Great Dream.

got work to do. step up, girl. work harder. got to pull this through with flying colors if you know what's good for you.

try again by keane

2010-08-06T11:23:00.001+08:00

I fell asleep on a late night train
I missed my stop and I went round again
Why would I want to see you now?
To fix it up, make it up somehow

Baby I'll try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

What I was isn't what I am
I'd change back but I don't know if I can

Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

But I was made the way I am
I'm not a stone; I'm just a man
Lay down your arms and I will lay down mine
Rip back the time that we've been wasting

God I wish you could see me now
You'd pick me up and you'd sort me out

Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

dumping whines on a lovely rainy day

2010-08-04T16:41:00.003+08:00

i SO can't wait to have this baby. it sounds selfish, but i want my body back. i long for the days when i could still fit my baby tees and skinny jeans, when i could deal with stress and other anxieties with a puff of menthols, when walking/getting up/stooping down/any slightest physical activity wouldn't trigger aches and pains and shortenend breaths.

when i said this to my OB a month ago she glowered at me and said, 'baka di mo alam kung gaano kahirap mag-alaga ng premature baby'. at kung gaano ka-gastos. so THAT shut me up.

kaya baby ko, stay warm and comfy in there. magpahinog ka lang dyan. i'll see you in around 8 weeks. :-) mommy's kinda scared big time, not only of giving birth to you, but of other humongous changes in life as well. i know, though, that with god's help and blessing, everything will be alright. we'll be able to adjust to everything in no time.

nearing my 8th month now (doc would prolly say 8 months na ko ngayon pero di ako naniniwala. HAHA) and thank god, so far wala pa naman akong manas na nakikita sa mga kamay, paa at binti ko (except for the humongously swollen monay face). can't speak too soon though, pero sana lang wag na kong manasin. that means i'll have to eat less. which is such a bummer, because i'm nearly ALWAYS hungry. and when i'm deprived, i'm grouchy. i binge more.

i also pee every 10 minutes. i'm woken up early in the morning EVERY SINGLE DAY by the need to pee. would've been easier if i could walk normally, but lately i've been feeling an ache on my right pelvic joint everytime i walk. must be the baby weight, must be the mommy weight, but nonetheless it's there and it gets worse when i stay in one position for a long time.

there's work to do this afternoon and i'm not looking forward to it. HAY. tamad.i'd rather whine instead. haha.

still shopping for baby names but we're semi-settling with AUDREY CHRISTI. Audrey, dahil gusto ko lang, Christi, dahil joseph daw si daddy at mary si mommy kaya si baby, jesus christ (pero dahil girl, christi na lang. haha sorry lord jesus for using your hallowed name). i remember our first date, when he first learned about my full name, and that was what he had said. "bagay talaga tayo, kasi joseph ako, mary ka". ". to which i had to fight the urge to roll my eyes and guffaw. so corny, it's funny.

i remember that first date as well, when we were walking along the mall and i saw a couple with a baby walking ahead of us. at that moment i had this silly feeling, almost a premonition, at that time i couldn't say it was anything i'd wish for, i wasn't tumbling all over the place for the guy, but it just...popped in my head. and years later, the premonition came true.

aww. feeling romantic me again. haha. baka pag sinabi ko to sa kanya ngayon, he'd be the one who'd roll his eyes and guffaw. so corny, it's funny.

3:06 am

2010-07-28T03:05:00.002+08:00

and i can actually see my tummy moving, my baby kicking inside. MOMMY! MATULOG KA NA! PARANG AWA MO NA! haha. ang weird lang tingnan. nakikita ko talagang gumagalaw yung tiyan ko from inside.

after four days, a single freakin powerpoint done. uncondensed. 14 freaking slides. too long. dang. pero dinugo ako bago ako nakapagsimula. figuratively. ang hirap.

lord, salamat. nagdasal ako bago ko sinimulan and he helped me finish. lord, sana po maapprove. please. para masimulan na. please.

dahil sa 2nd week of august, mababago na ang buhay. one step up. ibang level uli. i need to set work aside for a little of the personals. pero syempre, kailangang kumayod hangga't kaya. lalo na't may baby. lalo na't nahihirapan akong makita na umiiyak ang nanay ko. bilang ina, bilang anak. pusong babae talaga ako.

i dream of a flowing white church wedding. of a long red carpeted aisle to walk on, me glowing in a beautiful wedding dress. of lilies and carnations and baby pinks. of heartfelt vows and wedding rings and happy tears after The Kiss. whoever makes that dream come true for me shall have my heart forever.

audrey noelle, or audrey christi? ano'ng mas magandang pangalan?

we will have to host a baby shower soon. i just don't know how we'll go about it.

got a scriptcon offer to work for br1llant3 m3ndoza's next film. sayang, wrong timing. with the writing job and the baby and all. two years ago it would've been a good project to take on. out of town shoot, walang uwian, relatively good pay. i miss the adventure of shoots sometimes.

sometimes. hehe.

i want only positivity and nothing else. i will it.

2010-07-17T03:16:00.002+08:00

i hate the inborn nega in me. hate it.

3 in the morning. 1 script down, 1 more to go, 19 sequences to finish by 12 noon later. good luck. di ako inaantok sa ngayon pero a bit too drained para magpatuloy. sa tingin ko kailangan ko munang umidlip.

or maybe not. malay ko makasulat pa ko ng isang eksena. or two.

dapat matapos to by noon mamaya.

* * *

sometimes i just want to flee. detach. fly away. for two or three days. and then come back. sorely missed. refreshed. happier than normal.

but i think it's gonna be a good idea, to just back off for a while. to just remove myself and immerse into something else. at least, for the weekend.

marami akong namimiss. cigarettes, most of all. i know i shouldn't even think of it positively. yun ang dapat ninenega ko sa utak ko. pero namimiss ko lang yung stress mechanism na yon. pag may emotional need ako na nag-uumapaw, i used to turn to three things: yosi, food, love. not necessarily in that order. ngayon, dalawa na lang ang sandalan ko. at yung food, hazardous din naman, not only to my health (if in large doses) but to my figure. at yung love, parang yosi din. if you chain-smoke, if you rely on it too much, di rin healthy. tsktsk.

kaya namimiss ko ang yosi. my mind misses it but my body barfs at the smell of it. di ko pa rin ma-take ang amoy hanggang ngayon.

detach, girl. detach and immerse in other things.

i hate my 7monthpreggy look. i hope i don't look any worse than i already am. it depresses me even more and makes me want to go away all the more.

eh di naman ako makaalis. dahil 7 months na. sabi nila bawal na ang long trips. lalo na pag mag-isa. oo gusto kong umalis mag-isa. gusto ko lang i-try. gusto kong gumawa ng mga bagay na maaring hindi ko na pwedeng gawin pag lumabas na ang anak ko.

gusto kong gumawa ng maraming bagay na hindi ko (na) pwedeng gawin sa ngayon. tulad ng magyosi at mag-coke zero at the same time. tulad ng maglasing kahit isang gabi lang in the happy company of friends. tulad ng magdiet. at marami pang iba.

kababawan, yes. puros kababawan. dahil may parte ng pagkatao ko na ayaw pa ring mag-let go sa pagkabata/kabataan. dahil for the most of my life, i was young, at iyon ang nakasanayan. there's comfort in the familiar. fear in change.

i'm not in control most of the time. there are changes that are not in my control, and it depresses me, makes me feel helpless. kaya lalo kong namimiss ang yosi, dahil wala akong makapitan. i shouldn't turn to food. i shouldn't turn to love. but i can suck on a menthol stick and channel all my anxieties into it, it won't mind. sure, my body would, but for the moment, i'd feel alive and healthy and invulnerable. at least until i finish it all up.

i'm such a dependent. ARGH.

slow days

2010-07-12T22:38:00.003+08:00

di ko alam kung matutuwa ako o mababagot. dahil part of me feels na sayang ang oras, na sana ginagamit ko ang panahon ko ngayon para kumita ng pera. pero a part of me feels grateful din, for the rest, for the free time. not for long, though, dahil lock-in na naman sa wednesday. scripting for the rest of this week.

pero happy. relatively. thank god. knock on wood. basta yun ang solid, na lagi ko namang pinagdadasal sa diyos, happy lagi.

7th month. magpapalit ako ng obgyne dahil sabi nila, kung saan ka daw nagpapacheckup dapat doon ka manganganak. magulo pa rin si baby sa loob at nangangamba ako na baka umikot na naman sya at maging suhi na naman. baby sana wag na. please stay put. we want you to come out the normal way. less risky, less expensive.

dominique or athena? ano ba'ng magandang pangalan? yung athena sounds strong, pero i'm more partial to dominique dahil si osobear ang pumili. sa kagustuhang magkaroon ng boy na baby gusto nya male-sounding name para sa girl naming baby. duh, haha.

sabi naman ng nanay ko dapat daw vowel ang start ng pangalan ng anak namin at odd ang suma ng mga letters para daw kasundo namin. doon naman pasok ang athena. hay. hanggang sa pagbibigay ng pangalan talagang mapamahiin ang nanay ko.

i need to lose weight. or at the very least not gain any more weight. kaso ang hirap. ang sarap kumain. i'm still craving. i'm hungry most of the time. waaaaah. naiinis ako.

thank god may maid na kami. sana magtagal. kasi kailangang-kailangan namin with what happened to papa. yaya na lang ang kulang, around september siguro kakailanganin na.

lord, thank you. sa lahat.

it's gonna be a girl

2010-07-03T14:59:00.000+08:00

yehey. :-)

6th month going on 7th

2010-06-29T00:58:00.003+08:00

i'm having another ultrasound this week. hopefully, we'd finally get to know our baby's gender. i used to think it's a girl, but with the way it kicks and moves inside my tummy these days, i'm starting to doubt if any self-respecting girl could power-kick with so much gusto.

at 6 months, hindi pa naman ako manas (siguro sa mukha lang...i'm monay special, especially in the mornings...argh). pero i can already feel baby sitting under my rib cage. yep, ganon na siya kalaki! the other night at the peebeebee b1g nyt the guards wouldn't let me in because i was pregnant. if i had known better i would've tried to hide it. kaso hindi pa rin ako sanay hanggang ngayon na buntis ako. naninibago pa rin ako sa matinding makabagong-buhay na realidad na yon.

hay.

sabi ng nanay ko, kausapin ko na raw ang baby ko. but i feel strange doing that. i feel a bit cuckoo. haha.

motherhood anxieties. di ko alam kung magiging mabuti ba kong mommy. kasi hanggang ngayon i'm not exactly brimming with excitement. parang...okay lang. naiinis ako na ihi ako nang ihi. naiinis ako na ang taba-taba ko. madali akong mainis sa kahit ano at kahit sino these days, at naiinis ako sa fact na yon. pero about being a mom very very soon...okay lang. mas takot ako kesa excited.

siguro kung meron nang pinakamalaking sacrifice akong ginawa para sa baby ko, yun na yung pag-quit sa yosi. ang lakas ko kayang magyosi before i got pregnant. and then somehow i managed to just chuck the habit. siguro dahil tinatanggihan na rin ng katawan ko ang amoy. pero may mga panahon na hinahanap-hanap ko sya...lalo na pag nabubwisit ako o depressed ako o stressed ako. pero di ko maatim. di maatim ng konsensya ko na palanghapin ng lason ang anak ko, kahit na sabihin pang isang puff lang. milyong lason pa rin yon.

i guess the sacrifice will stretch on til after my breastfeeding months. oo, sorry...pagkatapos nito i have a feeling na baka bumalik ako sa yosi. ayoko na talaga, honestly. pero ewan ko...i feel like i've lost a working tool. a coping mechanism. i couldn't think as fast and as sharply as i used to when i was puffing on a menthol. i know i shouldn't even think about it, but...i've been creatively abnormal since i went cold turkey. salamat na lang sa diyos na nakakasurvive naman ako kahit feeling ko hindi optimum performance ang naibubuhos ko.

anyway, baby, you don't have to worry. hindi kita idadamay sa yucky habit ko. promise yan. ano kayang gender mo? ano kayang magiging itsura mo? i'm not uber excited about it but i'm looking forward to meeting you...kahit na alam kong pag dumating ang araw na yon, permanente nang mababago ang buhay ko.

cold feet. yes. big time. because i'm never really good at welcoming major changes. it takes time for me to be able to adjust. kaya siguro takot ako sa future. dahil alam kong magiging malaking adjustment para sa akin ang lahat. bagong baby, bagong role, bagong bahay, bagong buhay, bagong civil status. bago lahat.

hay. scared. yes. help me lord. you know the desires of my heart.

basag

2010-06-21T22:30:00.004+08:00

the other night, someone broke my heart. it probably isn't as bad as it seemed to me then, but at that moment it was. bad. very bad. so bad i thought i was going to have a heart attack. literally.

anger. chest-imploding. like a bomb in outer space. pain, the kind that can make grown girls cry. like babies to their mommas. the kind that can keep you up all night. cursed to suffer through your unholy sleepless hours.

may nabasag nung gabing yon. not the bottle of red wine i'd downed in just a matter of hours. not someone's face (salamat na lang walang tao sa harapan ko). something much more fragile. something na ilang taon kong pinaghirapang buuin. only to be broken in a matter of seconds.

i wanted to be numb so i feasted on red wine. big time. with simpsons playing on tv. and and the work on my laptop, waiting to be done. i just couldn't. i wasn't in that zone. working was the farthest from my mind at that moment.

i fell asleep, forgetting everything. then i woke up, and the memories of the night before just came flooding in. kakagising ko pa lang, sira na ang umaga ko.

you broke it the night before, you mended it the next morning. somehow. but not quite. i was traumatized by what took me by surprise. everything's alright, everything's explained for. and yes, understood somehow. somehow.

but what the mind may understand, the heart may take longer to accept. please, lord, let time be on our side.

soused on red wine at 2:58 am.

2010-06-19T02:57:00.002+08:00

with a deadline to meet. asap.

life is happy, really. when you're soused. you feel numb. emotionless. senseless and scented. detached and attached to everything and nothing at the same time. and yes, senseless.

yeah, i'm drunk. on healthy red wine. my, my baby loves itttt.

detach, detach. and tomorrow morning imma wake up late and not have to worry about anything. i'd have dreamt all the details of the script revision i've yet to put into writing. i' have remembered it all and when i wake up i'm just gonna encode them all from memory. yeah, that's gonna happen. haha.

i miss talkin to my girlfriends. i miss being driven old me. i miss being bitter old me. i miss a lot of things from five years ago. the videoke and the beer. the stuff that emo ole 20ish singles do.

drunk at 3:02 am. been a long time.

red wine is my nectar for the moment. if that doesn't sound drunk, nothing does.

detach, detach, detach. and tomorrow im gonna wake up emotionless. rational, yes. but emotionless.

always love it when i'm drunk. you/re excused to say aynyhing. 3excuse to be anything. but i pray to god that when i get lucid again its gonna be mind over emotions. i'm gonna deal with everything emotionally detached. thinking, rather than feeling. and i know, i have faith, that everything will be alright. that everything will turn out just fine.

got to finish my revision asap. thank god for red wine.

early june showers

2010-06-04T21:11:00.005+08:00

i love rain. i will never tire of saying that.
it's friday night. have two scripts to finish by sunday morning. i'm only 25 percent into the first script. looking forward to a night vigil. mas masarap magtrabaho dahil malamig ang panahon. writing with rain and wind outside my window, sipping coffee and eating my favorite eng bee tin hopia. heaven. kailangang matapos to by sunday morning.

baby five months on the way. i'm depressed whenever i see pictures of me. pregnancy is a great excuse to be fat, sure. but pregnant or not, truth remains. i'm still fat. and i'm helpless about it.

test of love ito, baby.

saw the house. it's three floors high. it's nice and comfy. but it's not gonna be ours. doesn't matter, though. i'm happy about it. happy and thankful.

pangarap kong magkaroon ng kotse. but with the baby on the way, mukhang backseat na muna ang pangarap na yon. backseat na muna ng taxi ang sasakyan ko in the immediate future.

at five months, hindi ko pa ma-determine ang gender ng baby ko. pero alam ko kung nasaan ang puso niya. it's in my right lower abdomen. as of three days ago, at least. ultrasound shows na suhi si baby pero good news is pwede pa syang umikot in the next four months. sana umikot siya dahil mas gusto ko ang normal delivery.

at five months, i can feel baby moving nearly all times of the day. may mga times na tahimik siya (siguro pag tulog sya; at this point kasi baby has acquired sleeping hours tulad nung sa baby na naipanganak na), pero pag gising siya, maligalig siya. hehe.

sana september na, baby. gusto na kitang makita. gusto ko na ring bumalik sa normal kong buhay. but you and i know that things will never be the same. dramatic as that may sound, but it's a normal transition. and the transition is going to be a good thing.

grin and bear it

2010-05-30T19:13:00.003+08:00

better yet, forget that you exist for the next three weeks at least. easier that way.

it's a lonely planet at this stage. oo, kanya-kanyang purgatoryo lang yan. may trabaho kang kailangang gawin but no one's paying me to become a mom. and most probably it's gonna be a thankless job.

you'd foreseen this. you'd predicted how it would turn out. and still, you pushed through with it. nagpaligaw ka pa rin. bumigay ka pa rin.

kaya eto. bahala na ko sa buhay ko dahil wala ka namang magagawa, your hands are tied. i'm a selfish hormonal bitch, preoccupied by my own needs. and because i'm irrational, i don't say a thing to you. at least, not beyond my one-sentence monologues. i try to grin and bear it, because i have unreasonable needs and you need to be out there.

so grin and bear it, bitch, even if underneath you just want to kick and scream.

he wants a boy...

2010-05-23T07:51:00.002+08:00

but secretly i'm wishing for a girl. so i guess it's up to the gods now.

* * *

my body's changing everyday. i'm happily looking forward to the day, but i'm only halfway through, and i've gained so much weight already. :-( dreading the next four months' worth of poundage that i've yet to gain.

hindi lang yung pounds, though it's the biggest villain in this sweet li'l fairy tale. i've heard of changes that only people in this stage go through. depigmentations. stretches. veins. bloatedness. gawd. the vain little bitch in me is crying foul. it's hard to be a mom when you're a vain little bitch like me. you go through days and days of frustrations. you're getting uglier by the day and you can't do anything about it.

yeah, yeah i'm sure you'll likely say "ang importante, healthy si baby". syempre, given na yun. pero can i rant about this state of helplessness pa rin? tsk. i wish i could just stop eating so much. i'm taking vitamins and milk so the RDA for baby is covered. i just wish i could stop feeding MY face and expanding MY ass and focus on taking care just what baby needs.

last january, a schoolmate of mine was 5 months on the way. now she's given birth to a baby girl. parang ambilis lang. so i guess tama ang isang acquaintance. mabilis lang ito. before i know, magiging malaki na ang pagbabago ng buhay ko. at hindi ko maikakaila...i'm scared. scared like crazy, dahil i'm totally clueless. and i don't know if i'm emotionally prepared for it. i'm trying to be financially prepared for it, though. i just don't know right now where to place a baby in the scheme of my life. i guess when it's there i'll find just the place for it. for him. or her.

despite my little whines, though, there are little joys, too. like feeling little pitik-like movements in my tummy. and looking forward to my first ultrasound, and knowing if it's gonna be a she or a he. i just pray na sana normal siya. with normal-sized, proportionate body parts, just the normal number of body parts, with perfectly functioning body parts. haha.

* * *

stayed up all night to finish work. now i'm done with the script, i can rest now. sorry baby, nagpuyat ako...ngayon lang naman, at promise buong araw matutulog tayo. ;-)

pet peeve night

2010-05-22T18:56:00.001+08:00

ayoko sa mayabang, period. immaterial kung may ipagyayabang o wala. ka-turnoff lang.

there's something about going public that irks me

2010-04-22T12:59:00.002+08:00

it makes me want to hibernate. so i'm gonna say bah-bye to this blog for now. i'd much rather be anonymous, really. thank you very much.

this point in my life is not the best time to slow down

2010-04-18T01:34:00.002+08:00

dahil mahaba pa ang tatahakin ko, career-wise. marami pang bigas ang kakainin, so the cliche goes. marami pa kong kailangang aralin. and i'm not even halfway There.

so dapat at this point, all systems go pa rin ako. make or break. puyatan kung puyatan. arangkada kung arangkada.

kaso. ito. nararamdaman ko na. may nagi-impose ng sariling curfew sa katawan ko. pati psyche ko naaapektuhan. all of a sudden nararamdaman ko ang nararamdaman ng isang taong pagarahe na. pota, ayoko pa! it's a temporary state yes but even after this temporary state, things will never be f***ng the same. EVER.

and it fills me with fear as my worst, pessimist moments, perhaps more than it fills me with joy when i'm all sunshiney mahoney. parang i'm giving up something. yeah, yeah in exchange for a miracle. yeah yeah. don't get me wrong. i love it. but sometimes i'm torn between loving it and loving the life i'm about to leave behind.

so you think i'm emotionally unready? maybe, maybe not. you can always use THAT as an excuse. but nothing will really prepare you for it except when you're forced to actually face it.

so sulat na, b1tch. ano pang sinisintir sintir mo dito. ~whiplash! whiplash!~

gusto kong maging patok jeepney

2010-04-18T00:59:00.002+08:00

yung mapula ang ilaw, maingay ang stereo, at parang naka-drugs kung humarabas sa daan. at haharabas lang ako papunta sa destinasyon ko, walang keber sa dadaanan, never looking back, throwing all caution to the wind.

and then before i know it, i'm there. DONE. pressing send.

kung pwede lang na ganon. humarabas na lang at gumogogogo. saka na lang lumingon pag tapos na. hindi titigil ever hanggat hindi tapos na. potaena.

kumusta naman ang sinisipon kong ilong na barado ang kaliwang nostril at running man naman ang kanan. sabi ng nanay ko patingin na daw ako sa doktor. delikado daw. antay ka lang doc, bibisitahin din kita. haharabas lang ako. with some measure of careful scrutiny pa rin. dahil hindi ko kayang humarabas ng wa care. mabigat sa dibdib.

kumusta naman ang jowang bukas lang yata ang day off? at kung kelan naman siya free saka naman ako kailangang pumasada/lumabada? hindi na ko nagreply sa text nya. bukas na lang. buong araw ko syang hindi nakausap at ipokrita naman ako kung sasabihin kong wala lang sa akin. i'm starting to wish i could turn back time and go back to that moment when i said, "bakit di mo tinanggap? sayang." i would take it back. take it all back. di ko alam if my opinion did make a difference like what he would claim. he blamed me for reconsidering. pero sana, sana. sana hindi na lang. selfish as that may sound. i'm just longing for some speed right now. speed and galing. that's the dope.

dim bulb. bzzt-zzzt-zzzt.

pet peeve day

2010-04-16T01:07:00.003+08:00

i hate...
hot days.
hot nights.
peacocks.
peeps with bullhorns.
people who always have their pics taken from one angle.
pusakals who could impregnate my pet cat.
bad dreams.
sleepy me.
nasty me.
procrastinasty me.
fatty me.
sinigang that ain't sour enough.
busybodies.

my new sideline

2010-04-14T14:20:00.007+08:00

yep, i'm selling bras, mga overrun from marks and spencer factories abroad. same quality for a much cheaper price, with a wide variety of styles and colors!

(photos courtesy of olive ranido)

i'm use these bras myself so i can vouch for their good fit, durability, and UNWAVERING support. haha. so if you or know anyone who might be interested, drop me a note, text me at 0915989-6965 or send them a link to this blog. cheap prices will vary depending on how many pieces you purchase :-)

we told them today

2010-04-10T22:04:00.002+08:00

and she cried. demanded on my behalf. i bridled her. i knew she had my best interests at heart. but i don't want to bully anyone.

so there. it's over. ilang buwan kong pinag-isipan ang moment na iyon. finally, it's done. i can come out now.

i cried buckets today. didn't want to break anyone's heart. least of all mine.

the future is uncertain, and i know it's gonna be rough for me. pero kakapit tayo babe. everything has been and will always be for you, anyway.

thank you lord

2010-04-08T11:08:00.004+08:00

for the two-day rest. for the three-day out-of-town vacation. for payday today.
so many things to thank god for, still. kahit masama ang umaga ko.

* * *

the ilocos vacation merits a separate entry. dahil sobrang extensive/intensive ng experience na yon. it was much more fun than our first ilocos visit last year dahil walang tinik ng trabaho sa dibdib the whole time i was there (may trabaho, yes, pero tinapos ko na pagbalik ko dito sa manila). plus the fact na mas marami kami (this year kasama sina penguin at caloy, unlike last year na twinbill loveteams lang kami...threesome loveteams na ngayon..yihee monj). so bilang marami akong pwedeng ikwento tungkol sa ilocos vacay, i'll stop right here. and give a day-by-day action-packed account later.

* * *

i'm more emotional lately. i should bridle myself. i can't always make my hormones as an excuse. but it's really strange, fascinating, in fact, how short my fuse is lately. i'd literally feel the blood rising up to my head. so yeah, i should bridle myself.

* * *

pag naiinis ako, nagsisisi ako. nagwi-wish ako na sana hindi na lang. dahil kung hindi, hindi pa malayo ang pangarap kong makapagbikini sa beach. hindi ko kailangang bumili ng bagong wardrobe. hindi ako sasabihan ng sarili kong nanay na "mukha ka nang nanay" sa laki ng pinagbago ng itsura ko (yeah, she ACTUALLY said that. HMPF). pag naiinis ako, i resent things. out of spite. out of anger. unfair and hurtful to the innocent, yes, but i can't help it. i'm angry e. i give myself 5 minutes to just be unrepentantly angry. 5, 10. maybe even 15, pag nasa bahay ako at walang ibang maaapektuhan. and when i'm angry i resent things, because i feel TRAPPED. TRAPPED. TRAPPED.

and i miss my old life. how back then the possibilities would be limitless and there would always be a choice and, at times like these, i could afford to sit back and ponder my endless options. and yes, bail if i want to. just run, if i need to.

pero ngayon, hindi na. pero okay lang. dahil lilipas din to. dahil ang inis ko, lilipas din. and i'll be back to realizing how lucky and blessed i am. that there are wonderful things to look forward to.

just give me 5 more minutes.

"stressie tomas" got me through the week

2010-03-30T14:34:00.006+08:00

parang mura. imbes na "p@$taen@@@", ang panaka-nakang sinisigaw ko, "STRESSIE TOMAS!!" hahaha. to acknowledge the stress was to relieve yourself from it. plus it got me going too. and yeah, the term is so funny, i always chuckle everytime i yell it out loud.

and now, after how many days of hibernating inside this slowpoke little head o' mine, i'm DONE for week 2. just in time for tomorrow's trip outta town. yesterday kumuha na ko ng karamay. isa syang blessing in da sky. dahil kung hindi, hanggang ngayon pinupukpok ko pa rin ang laptop keys ko while yelling "STRESSIE TOMAS!!!!" every now and then.

next in order: go to the cashier. wish ko lang umabot ako, dahil 415 pa lang nagsasara na yun. kung hindi ako umabot, bukas na lang.

next next in order: feedback meeting for the soap at 5. parang gusto ko munang matulog. ang sarap matulog nang walang iniisip! STRESSIE TOMASSSSSS!

things to do before i leave:
1) shop for clothes. i HATE my new figure. argh-worthy. have to cover up haha
2)get a leg wax
3) shop for other beach necessities

because YEY BABY i'm goin to the BEAAAACH!!!!

lord, keep us safe please para masaya through and through! please please!

and thank you lord natapos rin ang week 2! thank thank you po! thank you din hindi na masyadong sumasakit ang tiyan ko pag nasestressie tomas ako!

here's to the sun sand and sea woohoo!!! haha, feeling happy lang kahit bukas may brainstorm meeting pa at 10am. thank you lord for work! mwah mwah!

nth vigil night

2010-03-29T00:31:00.002+08:00

and one more night to go kung tatapusin ko ang lahat in time for my ultimate vacation of 2010. at dapat matapos ang lahat bago ako umalis. dapat matapos ang lahat with enough time para makapagshopping for the trip.

taena. parang imposible at this point.madali lang pag may framework na. pero pag magsisimula ka sa drowing, at wala pang naka-erect na structure, dobleng oras ang kinakain. at yun ang hindi ako sanay. yung nagsisimula sa drowing tapos gagawa ka na agad ng bahay. with limited time.

dun ako dapat magsanay. dahil yun ang magiging future ko. kung gusto kong yumaman, ganon ang kalakaran. pero sa ngayon parang lumuluha ako ng dugo. sumasabog ang ulo ko. tense at stressed at walang ibang outlet kundi kape at pagkain. gusto kong magyosi gawdangit. i'm building a house of cards alone, carefully painstakingly. and im not even sure if i'm doin it right.

well this night sucks. but it will stop sucking in a while. dahil potaena aalis ako sa wednesday nang tapos ang week 2. hindi pwedeng HINDI!!!

lost sa madaling araw

2010-03-26T02:00:00.002+08:00

mag-isa. and the clock is ticking against me. as always.

gusto kong umiyak. hindi ko pa yata naranasang maging lost nang ganito sa isa't kalahating taon ng pagka-comeback ko sa pagsusulat. kadalasan pag lost ako meron akong karamay. pero ngayon wala akong choice kundi harapin to nang mag-isa. ni hindi ko pa tapos ang liner. at deadline na in two days. aatakehin ako sa puso.

lost. dahil kakagaling ko lang sa pagsusulat ng isang episode ng soap at pagod pa ako. kung endless lang ang energy, raratratin ko ang pag-iisip til the wee hours. pangarap kong maging robot na walang humpay, walang tigil, walang kapaguran.

6 hours ago pangarap ko lang na matapos na ang soap script para makadiretso na ko sa kiligserye. pero taena hindi pala ganon kadali yun. tumatanda na ang lola nyo. o di kaya ay biochemical ang dahlan. bumabagal ang pagod. bumibigay ang katawan.

paksyet naman, imbes na magsulat ka dito ratratin mo na kaya yung liners ano???

wala lang. nagbubuhos lang.

happy day, stressful night

2010-03-25T00:46:00.003+08:00

1248 am. bingeing on coffee to keep me up. almost done with one body of a one-day script for the new soap. buti na lang madali lang itong isang araw na to. sana matapos na to para show #2 naman ako bukas onwards.

it's vigil night 1. i need to be superwoman for the next few days. no other choice.

* * *

today was a happy day. dahil nakumpirma ko ang isang bagay na parang ayoko pa ngang paniwalaan. but i was happily banished from my in-denial state today.

i felt cared for. i felt loved. thank you for being here.

excited na ko sa pagudpud! sana naman wala nang humabol na stress don!

okay lang na mahirap basta may katapat na sarap

2010-03-20T19:51:00.003+08:00

pero ang pinakaimportante, nae-enjoy mo ang proseso. wag kang mag-rely on anything else. importante ang pera. masarap din sa pakiramdam ang ma-assure na may nagagawa kang tama. pero hindi ka makakatagal kung di mo nae-enjoy ang proseso.

kaya gusto kong ma-lost. dahil kadalasan pag nalo-lost ako sa sinusulat ko doon ko nasasabing nae-enjoy ko ang trabaho. when i'm in the zone. when i'm in the scene, in the emotion, when i'm crying, when i'm laughing, pag kinikilig ako, nae-excite ako. pag may nararamdaman ako.

hindi ko alam kung nasa zone ako ngayon. siguro marami lang naiisip. maraming kinakatakutan. baka mabagal ang pacing. definitely, mabagal ang pagsulat. pero dapat ang materyal, hindi mabagal. dapat, dapat. maraming dapat. nakakastress. kaya ang hirap mapunta sa zone. lalo na pag da clock is ticking.

yun ang kalaban. da clock. lagi-lagi.

nagpapasalamat ako. na-extend. nakahinga ako. nakapag-excrete ako. nakaexhale ako. mamaya makakakain ako. pero putaena. bakit five years ago kaya kong tapusin ang dalawang bodies in one magdamag. mabagal pa yon supposedly. bakit ngayon para kong constipated. every scene kailangang iere. parang batang pinapanganak na may hydrocephalus.

wag naman.

LET'S HYPER UP

2010-03-18T23:36:00.002+08:00

stress ang past three days. since last tuesday's creative feedback meeting. woke up wednesday morning super dragged-down. feeling low. knowing that i have five days' worth of treatment writing to do that day, starting almost from scratch. nag-pray na lang ako. please, help me. mabuti na lang, nakinig si lord. dahil somehow i survived the night. with a functioning mind and angels around me to help me out. sobrang thank you talaga, lord!

now, scripting time. gusto ng direktor, mabilis at exciting. maigsi ang attention span nya, kaya dapat ganon din ako. i can wing hyper. i used to be hyper before i started thinking of substance and words of wisdom. kaya kape, halika na! magtrabaho na tayo!

* * *

kumusta ka na dyan? konting tiis lang. let me just survive this one and i'll make bawi to you nang bonggang bongga. i'll live healthy, get lots of rest, take care of you once i'm done with work. here's wishing for happy ever afters.

* * *

it's just strange, the feeling the other day. i thought i couldn't do it, but then i had a glimpse of a chance to actually do it. and the response was sweet. playful. ah, the one that got away. i don't regret anything, i don't wonder about what could've beens anymore, but moments like that pass, when a little playful banter would slip past me and find its way to you.

pero hanggang dun na lang yun. for a thousand and one reasons. so have a good life. yeah, i'll see around. but not like how i used to.

want some fun, sun and a healthy tan

2010-03-14T12:14:00.002+08:00

it's that time of the year again for my out-of-town getaway cravings.

WAAAH. gusto kong mag-beach. wanna go to a place where i can bury my feet in the soft cool sands, float in serene blue waters, under endless blue skies.

gusto kong mag-baguio. gusto kong maglakad amidst the pines. gusto kong magshopping ng ube halaya at fresh strawberries. gusto kong gumising with fog and pines and morning dew outside my window.

gusto kong mag-out-of-the-country. nang libre. gusto ko ng bagong lugar. gusto kong gumala sa mga lugar na di ko pa napupuntahan.

lahat ng gusto, hanggang sa isip na lang muna. mind-traveling na lang muna, sa ngayon. pero please lord, sana naman, sa HOLY WEEK, payagan nyo akong magbakasyon. sana naman sa holy week wala nang trabaho. para makapag-getaway vacation naman ako. please, lord.

* * *

na-miss ko nang gumawa ng music video. the last one was 3 years ago. pero sa ngayon pagdating sa directing, kung ano lang ang dumarating yun ang tinatanggap ko. kasi i take it as a sign na gusto pa ng diyos na magdirect ako. ayoko munang magsolicit sa ngayon, partly because of my writing schedule na rin. and partly because gusto ko manggaling sa diyos ang desisyon kung babalik pa ako sa pagdidirek o hindi. kaya ayokong magsolicit ng projects. kung ano na lang ang dumating. i'll take it to mean na binibigay nya talaga sa akin iyon.

* * *

pero na-miss ko rin. sana may dumating. ok lang naman kung wala, masaya na ko sa buhay ko ngayon. di ko naman nararamdaman na may kulang. that's a sign na i can probably live the rest of my life without making films. that's okay. ang importante lang naman, happy ako, hindi ako nakakaabala ng ibang tao, at useful naman ang ginagawa ko sa ibang tao somehow. at feeling ko matutupad ko naman ang tatlong pamantayan na yon through writing. sa ngayon, masaya pa naman ako.

may mga moments lang, though. na feeling ko pagod ako. pero lilipas din ito. sa lahat naman ng trabaho may ganon. saka these days i'm prone to emotional slumps. biochemical stuff.

okay, may homework pang dapat gawin. kelangan tapusin para makapagliwaliw sa wonderland with alice and the huggable bosobear.

ang mahirap sa natitigil...

2010-03-12T00:41:00.003+08:00

...ang hirap mag-resume uli. parang isdang pinakawalan mo. kailangan mo pang hulihin uli. potaena.

so. this is the life. okay. isa na lang ang iisipin ko. o dalawa. o tatlo. iisipin ko na lang na tagtuyot ang abril. na masaya ang feedback sa naging presentation kanina. na nagustuhan ng headwriter ko sa k@torse ang pagkakasulat ko ng pee-eych-ar ep na umeere ngayon.

actually, yung huli na lang na yon, dapat motivated na ko. malaking bagay sa kin na magustuhan nya, dahil marami sa alam ko sa pagsusulat ngayon, siya ang nagturo. kaya oo, dapat matuwa na ko. dapat magbuo uli ang gulong. dapat mahuli uli ang isdang nakawala kanina.

pwede ring motivation yung una. hmm. abril is my 30th berday. kailangan ng dilig sa natutuyong lupa. and i dont mean that in a skanky way. haha.

waaah

2010-03-12T00:32:00.002+08:00

i've a flat tire. what to do with a flat tire?
vulcanize. with what?
i can't touch the smokes. i've had enough food for the night. HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE THE NIGHT WITH THIS BULK OF WORK TO BE DONE???

sige. dumagdag ka pa. naiinis na talaga ko ha. pag nagtext ka bukas ng umaga bahala ka sa buhay mo. ngayon ko kailangan ang text mo pero tinulugan mo na naman ako. NAIINIS NA TALAGA KO SA YO! TATADYAKAN NA TALAGA KITA! WHERE IT WOULD REALLY HURT!!!

ARGH. i've tried the mantra that my mother gave me. my mind is powerful...my thoughts are the keys to my power...concentrated, i can understand what i need to understand to do my work...concentrated, i can remember all that i need to remember to do my work...

three times lang ok na di ba? kailangan pa bang three thousand times para lang gumana?

WAAAAAAAH. SOS, LORD.

* * * *

i was resenting it earlier today, but i'm happy that the presentation for the new soap turned out well tonight. masaya naman sila. tinik na nabunot. ngayon isa na lang ang poproblemahin ko hanggang bukas.

note on the ref, from 2 years ago

2010-03-08T13:55:00.003+08:00

nahalukay ko ito from this blog, october of 2 years ago.

lord, i pray...that you would help me survive every single day of the next two weeks. with work still done, with grace and a poker face, with an armor that will protect me from all sources of anxiety. because, at the end of every shooting day, it is still the work that matters. i am there for the work. kahit hindi ko na nakikita ang sarili ko na patuloy pa ring gagawin ang work na ganito in the future.

i pray, lord, that you would help me find a good place. a place where i can live life, be happy and fulfilled

kailangan ko lang i-post, para i-remind ang sarili ko, each time tinatamad ako, o pag nawawala ang dating sigla. i should grateful, for every day. because yes, my prayers were answered. because now, i think he has helped me find a good place.

during those days i hated my job, i hated every day i'd spend on the job. those days were dark and dreary, but they just passed. everything would matter for the moment, but moments pass, and as soon as they're gone, you're feeling okay again. konting time at konting processing lang, magiging okay ka rin eventually.

kaya salamat po, lord. sobrang thank you. i'm grateful, everyday.

sleepless at 5 am

2010-03-08T05:07:00.003+08:00

and it's the worst friggin' time to be sleepless. cause i have work to do during the day. lots of it.

HAY.

i love my cat. soooooo much. she came to me 2 years ago and she was a wary, detached kitten. she grew up that way and it took me a while to earn her complete trust. now i can say she totally trusts me. now i can say i'm her favorite person.

every morning when she hears my bedroom door open she runs to me and rubs herself against my legs. she's hungry, sure, and it's only my utmost pleasure to feed her. it even gives me joy, watching her eat. and before she digs into her food, she has this little ritual of rubbing against my legs first, as if to say "thank you". haha. siguro imagination ko na lang yon. pero i'd like to think that i do sense these things.

she's a quiet cat. she hardly meows. if she were a person she'd be very mahinhin. malayong-malayo ang ugali nya sa mga pusakal dito sa amin. when food is on the cat dish she's the last cat to dig in. she nibbles her food--primly, delicately. and when she walks around the house, she's a queen nonchalantly strolling around her kingdom.

oh, i just looove her. i'm oozing with love for her. she's my baby. i spoil her but it doesn't even affect her. she takes everything so seemingly casually. but she loves it when i take care of her. she loves it when i take her into my arms and carry her like a baby. she loves it when i rub her belly. she loves it when i scratch her ears. and me, i just love looking at her. just seeing my keanna makes me happy. she's a stress-reliever.

wala lang. i just feel that i have to say this now or i'll burst. haha!

five episodes to go

2010-03-05T15:46:00.003+08:00

doing work for the new soap. i'm on week 12, five episodes to go. deadline is today.

at mainit na naman ang ulo ko. f__k. i hate this.

i feel like i'm trapped in this condition. it came at the wrong time. right now, yan ang nararamdaman ko. wrong---friggin---timing. when i have my WHOLE LIFE ahead of me. and i have yet to experience the JOYS of being out there.

because i haven't, really. sumagwan lang ako sa kabilang isla. hindi pa nga ako nakakalabas ng pacific ocean. and times like these, how i WISH i still can. times like these na NAIINIS ako, i want to bail out. you are making me miss what i no longer have, and how i WISH you knew that. para masaktan ka kahit papano.

dahil putsa, para kang TUOD. ang sarap alugin ng bangka mo para mahulog ka naman sa tubig at mag-react ka naman dyan. bwiset ka.

tomorrow's a party. not in the mood for some socializing. but tell you what, maybe i'll treat myself to a hot oil tonight. maybe i'll primp a little and try to be vain for once. maybe i still can. maybe i will.

i HATE all hecklers. HATE is a bad word, but OH, how CATHARTIC it feels to just SHOUT-IT-OUT.

back to work.

bad trip friday

2010-03-05T15:39:00.003+08:00

I HATE YOU!!!!!
BUWISET KANG KAPAL NG MUKHA MO!!!!
GO TO FRIGGIN HELL!!!
P@$%%$#@#$@#!!!

HAY. that out, back to my normal day.

oral

2010-02-26T22:41:00.002+08:00

foodlust for the day: tinolang manok. i helped cook, and am proud of how delish it came out.

i just wish i could stop being so oral.

Cold Turkey DAY 7 and right now i'm tempted to puff on a stick. pwede bang kahit isa lang? just for me to remember how DISGUSTING it smells and how STINKING UGLY the smoke feels inside my lungs? para bumalik ang pandidiri ko? please pretty please?

thank GOD it's friday, but...

2010-02-26T12:43:00.003+08:00

...i'm irritable because of the heat.

i'm counting blessings, yes, but i'm ANNOYED at so many things. annoyed that it's so friggin humid i can slice the air with a knife. annoyed that i can't have the money i want to have every month, annoyed that i'm not mayaman. annoyed that i can't have the wendy's meal that i've been wanting since one week ago, annoyed that decisions aren't easy to make. annoyed that i have to think of the freakin future always instead of plunging into what will bring me satisfaction now and tomorrow. annoyed that i'm not mayaman. oh, did i say that already?

nakakasilaw, oo. nakakasilaw, tama. lalo na sa mga panahong gusto mo na lang bilhin ang buong mundo. na napapagod ka nang maghintay, kahit iisang taon pa lang naman ang binuno mo. tsktsk. mali, alam ko. wag padala sa low EQ.

annoyed at certain people. na on any other day mato-tolerate ko pa. pero these days, with the heat snaking its way up my head, madali akong magshort circuit sa loob. nawawala ang pasensya. at ang inis ko, when normally madaling mawala, these days, nago-overstaying. tumatagal ng oras.

tolerance, tolerance. di ka rin naman perfect. there's a lot to tolerate about you as well.

AAAAAHHHH! ISANG (all expenses paid) BEACH VACATION NGA DIYAN!

* * *

di naman po ako nagrereklamo, lord. naglalabas lang ng init ng ulo. i'm grateful and will always be. it's just that sometimes the heat gets the best of me.

hot summer tuesday

2010-02-23T13:21:00.002+08:00

day 4 on the cold turkey program. kaya ko 'to, woohoo!

finished writing treatment of episode 4 of the koreanovela we're adapting. 3 more episodes to go. deadline tomorrow. kaya ko 'to, woohoo!

ang init. gusto kong pumunta ng beach. waaah. ang weather outside, maganda sa paningin...pero panget sa pakiramdam.

addicted to MyTown. hay. i'm always addicted to something. but the "something" always changes, really.

lock-in on thursday. sana naman hindi na ko ma-peer pressure na magyosi. at sana when i start scripting again this weekend, hindi na rin ako ma-tempt mag-yosi. kasi i've always associated yosi with scripting. or any kind of stressful work, for that matter. it was my way to deal with stress. kaya dapat baguhin yun. argh.

i've also come to associate yosi with surfing the net. and san mig coffee. kaya i've quit san mig coffee. but i have to adjust my mindset when it comes to surfing the net.

okay. so i'll stop talking about yosi now. the more i make myself aware of it, baka lalo lang akong ma-tempt.

back to work!

why HELLO, summer.

2010-02-23T01:08:00.003+08:00

came in too early this year, eh. i suppose you haven't turned up the heat on max yet. sana wag na. mainit na as is.

* * *

i love summer for ripe juicy mangoes. and beaches. and that's just about it, i guess. and, yeah, for my birthday. i'm turning 30 in two months. wow. i've used up all my 20s. a significant part of it, i would've chosen to live differently, if my mind were the same as now.

pero okay lang. what had to happen happened. i wouldn't have the same mindset now if i hadn't gone through what i'd gone through in the past 29 years and 10 months. so THANK YOU, LORD. thank you with all my heart!

* * *

what's up with me lately. been having light work days. a good thing, since i need the extra rest for the next few months. a series i'd co-written for will be airing very soon. just wrapped up the thriller project (they're taping in an island paradise down south next week. gusto ko sanang sumama dahil SOBRANG GANDA ng lugar...kaso baka sumasagasa sa work). starting work on a new adaptation. sana umere na soon. sana, sana. because i feel GUILTY not working my ass off. i feel GUILTY resting when i can be making money. nasasayangan ako sa oras. HAY.

sana umere na ito within the next six weeks, max.

* * *

sana rin matapos na yung latest project namin sa avp. para makapag-shoot na naman ng bago. sana, sana. sana approved na sa kanila ang 2nd cut.

* * *

hay. walang kwentang entry ito. puro pera nasa utak ko. haha. i wish i could tell you about my latest quandary. nagkaroon ako bigla ng tatlong options. ang hirap pumili. ang hirap mag-decide. pero napag-isip-isipan ko na. i'd go for the long term. i'd go for the education. and yes, the loyalty. the utang na loob factor. but really, that's only 3rd among my reasons.

i'm learning how to swim in the open sea. i'd rather fledge in the open sea and learn to swim really, really well. kasi para yang new york. if i can make it there, i'd make it anywhere.

sana tama ako. i've had my share of wrong decisions in the past. sana naman, with god's guidance, tama ang naging desisyon ko this time. sana lord.

semi-cold turkey

2010-02-19T22:44:00.003+08:00

today: half a stick (so far. ayoko nang dagdagan...please).
yesterday: half a stick.
wednesday: 1 stick.
tuesday: 2 sticks.
monday: half a stick.

disgusted. i want to maintain my disgust. because i want to quit. for good.
because i'm near quitting, i'm now into eating. big time. big ARGH. that problem i have to start solving. ASAP.

nasusulasok na sa usok...

2010-02-14T21:08:00.002+08:00

...pero on stressful or emotionally-charged moments, i puff on a stick. tulad ngayon. luckily for me, wala nang yosi dito.

kaya ko naman pala. but of course i wouldn't want to speak too soon.

naiinis lang ako. mamatay na mga hecklers na yan. at please, lumayo-layo sila mga potah sila kung ayaw nilang maghalo ang balat sa tinalupan.

naiinis ako sa mga pangyayaring ganyan. wala syang kwenta sa buhay ko. pwede bang i-abolish na yang mga ganyan? sino ba nakaisip nyan?

irrational me. ang sarap lang mag-rant. kahit wala sa rason. kahit puro emosyon. HOY! wag kayong maka-"hi"-"hi"! bubuhukan ko kayo. OKAY!!!

syempre, lalamig ako. in a while. and i will want to forget all about it. because there will always be hecklers around. and there will always be events like that. it all really boils down to one word. and that one word will get you through the next many many years. so long as it is justified. so long as it remains sacred.

* * *

YOSI COUNT.

today: 1 (so far. wala na kong interes dagdagan.)
yesterday: 4
friday: 6
thursday: 6
wednesday: 1
tuesday: 3

masyado pa ring marami ang 6. ayoko na talaga. nakakasulasok sa ilong ang usok. ang yosi, parang pokpok sa isang tarantadong customer. ako ang tarantadong customer. dahil pagkatapos kong hithitin, bahong-baho na ako. sa amoy na naiiwan sa kamay ko, sa hininga ko, sa hangin. kulang na lang isuka ko siya.

dapat by march, total wipeout na. totally clean lungs na.

* * *

angst night. gustong mag-angstfest. uy, valentine's pala tonight? napaaga ang celebration ko. dinner nang bonggang-bongga, kagabi with bosobear. my fat lovable valentine. my stressball. pisilin ko lang, natatanggal na ang stress. hehe.

angstfest saan? wala lang! nakakamiss lang mag-beeyatch mode. nasusulasok lang ako sa optimism at normalcy ng mga entries ko lately. pero ayoko nang sabayan ang paga-angst ng pagyoyosi. bad yun. baho pa.

actually wala akong dapat i-angst e. happy kid ako ngayon. except yung mga POTAENANG HECKLERS na yan na gusto kong itaboy ng walis tambo ko. mga BWISIT SILA! pero aside from that, happiness. i wish i could lose weight, yes. i wish i could be prettier than how i normally am these days. there are things that i still wish i had, wish i had more of, or less of, pero basically, thank you lord lang ang masasabi ko.

at help me lord. sa coming months ahead.

* * *

i dream of our own house. a pretty split-level unit with a backyard and a front lawn. a garage with a car in it. a doghouse in front. plants and flowers, well-tended, sa harapan.

i dream of our own full-furnished sala. with a huge flatscreen tv at the center. and those leather couches that you admire, each time we pass by SM's showrooms. and that lazy boy seat with the foot stool. i'd want that in our living room too.

i dream of these things, but you stop me. you cut me short, telling me to be realistic. dehins keri ng moolah. HELLO?! libre namang mangarap di ba?

pag nanalo ako sa lotto, i say, i'd buy a Gas Station franchise.
masyadong mahal yun, you say.
so? i say. nanalo naman ako sa lotto e.
natameme ka dun ano? haha.

* * *

kong hei fat choi. i saw those luscious ube hopias on tv again. how i want to just FLY to binondo and buy myself a dozen of those. i've always loved those hopias.

hindi na naman ako makakatulog nito.

* * *

my keanna is getting sweeter everyday. in the morning when she hears my bedroom open, she's on her toes, running to me. asking for food, yes, but at least she's sweet about it. HAHA.

i love my pussycat!

hate moments like this.

2010-02-13T16:05:00.002+08:00

when you're feeling all fat, got work to do, but have to go out for the evening.

one good thing. it's a beautiful day. love it when the sun starts to cool down at 4pm onwards.

another good thing. susan miller says that today is a red-letter day for signs like mine. by how, only god knows. but i'm hoping that miller hits it right in my case again this time.

another good thing. it's gonna be a fun evening. i know. just know. :-)

trust

2010-02-12T01:29:00.002+08:00

binged on coffee crumble with bosobear tonight. kahit hindi gutom, naubos pa rin.

all of a sudden, i have to go back to a certain mode one or two weeks ago. ang hirap maghalukay ng emotions. kailangang painitin uli ang makina. napapayosi tuloy ako. tsk.

trust yourself, god says. at least, according to fb. haha. i want SO DANG MUCH to have a happy ending. kaya gusto kong painitin. gusto kong ibigay ang buong araw tomorrow para pagmuni-munian.

on the bright side, masaya naman ako na minor lang ang comments ng direktor sa thriller script namin. :-)

couldn't be happier for the restful week...

2010-02-11T02:22:00.002+08:00

..sana sulitin hanggang sunday.

monday's menu: sinigang na baka.
tuesday's menu: bulalo.
wednesday's menu: potato salad.

hmm. wonder what it'll be for thursday. maybe i should try depriving myself for a change. i shouldn't put on more weight than necessary. tsk.

new late-night addiction: prison break. done with season 2. can't wait to watch season 3 tomorrow.

3 hours til deadline

2010-02-08T09:06:00.002+08:00

and 9 sequences to go. ito ang script na talagang ginapang ko. dahil nearly the whole time na sinusulat ko siya, sobrang sama ng pakiramdam ko. literally.

kaya itinulog ko muna. nag-pray ako. na bigyan ako ng energy ni god, kahit at least hanggang sa matapos ko itong script. it sucks already, but i just want to finish it. iyon na lang ang pangarap ko for the moment. matapos. o sige. matapos nang matino-tino.

so good luck to me.

30 plus sequences

2010-02-07T15:32:00.002+08:00

and i'm sleepy as a bosobear. it's the summer feel in the afternoon, the happy warm sun, the languid wind, the carbos in my lunch. and you. it's all because of you.

i can't wait to get back on my toes again. i wonder when that will be.

30 plus sequences on a 12 nn deadline tomorrow. and i'm not done warming up the oven. huy. magsulat ka na, beeyatch.

magsulat na tayo...tulungan mo ko. :-) at least pag natapos na to tomorrow, makakapag-relax na tayo by monday night. :-)

sluggish saturday

2010-02-06T21:02:00.003+08:00

sluggish all afternoon. locked-in for da show all night.

i wish i could stop eating. i wish i could stop smoking. i wish i could get the lethargy outta me and get on with work the entire night.

you are my gem. and everything i do or don't do will be for you from now on. sorry if i stray. sorry if i do the bad things. let's just hang on if that's what god wants.