excited

on the way home last night na-realize ko na parang ang patay-patay ko nang tao. hindi na ko madaling ma-excite sa maraming bagay. parang lagi akong pagod at kulang sa drive. kaya napaisip tuloy ako, kung hindi na ko nae-excite sa maraming bagay, ano ba yung mga iilang bagay na nae-excite ako pag naiisip ko?

eto ang random list ko:

* eating kiwifruit. ito na ang favorite fruit ko sa ngayon.
* going to a place out of town na hindi ko pa napuntahan, or

* going to a lovely beach on a beautiful sunny day
* moolah. lots of moolah.
* the prospect of directing again. ang getting moolah for it.
* making a good film. kahit walang moolah for me.

* winning in the flash game "Hotdog Bush"
* receiving a spontaneous kiss/hug from o.b.
* a glorious exciting repeat of 2003's halloween trek
* a trip out of the country
* an uber-sumptuous meal with o.b.

* waking up to see keanna cuddling herself beside me
* watching a really really good film

actually yung iba dito parang wishes lang. na pag nangyari, alam kong mae-excite ako, at isipin ko pa lang na mangyari, nae-excite na ko. kaso bago mangyari yung iba marami pang kelangang trabahuhin or, kung hindi sa kin naka-depende ang pagsasakatuparan nila, swerte na lang talaga kung ngingitian ako ng langit (read: almost on the "fantasy" level).

so kung pipiliin kong mabuti yung mga bagay na meron ako ngayon na nakakapagpa-excite sa kin, ang konti masyado. halos wala. kaso gusto ko nang bumalik sa dating excited, enthusiastic-about-life self ko. i hope this emotional slump passes.

note. isang super-exciting na bagay na nangyari ever sa kin: na-in love ako for the first time, sa isang taong in love din sa kin. actually exciting pa rin naman kahit hindi in love sa kin yung tao. haha! (flashback to: the Direk of the Landslide Movie in 2006) iba yung kilig when something is blooming. feeling ko sumasabay din ako sa pagbu-bloom ng lahat.

ngayon, parang slow steady fire na sya, hindi na isang bumubulusok/pabugso-bugsong klase ng apoy, unlike nung bago. isang constant na sa buhay mo, mahal na mahal mo, pero nag-mellow na yung giddyness factor. which is not a bad thing, actually. kasi yung excitement na ganun, hindi naman talaga magtatagal. at pag nawala yon, dun mo na mapapatunayan kung mahal mo ba talaga yung tao o na-infatuate/na-excite ka lang.

ngayon, pagdating sa oso, masaya naman lahat. kahit jokes na corny, pang-aasar na walang tigil, dinners na panira ng diet, etcetera. hindi uber-exciting, pero masaya. it doesn't take your breath away but it keeps you breathing. kaya kahit anong mangyari sa ibang aspeto ng buhay mo, keri lang. basta andun yung comfy kind of love, you keep going.

pero gusto kong maging excited uli. sa life, in general.

nostalgia is for the aged and ageing...

...at para sa mga taong delayed ang appreciation sa mga bagay-bagay, tulad ko. hehe.

usually hindi ko alam kung alin sa mga nangyayari sa present ang tatatak enough para maging golden memories sa future, kaya guessing game na rin sya. na malalaman lang ang kasagutan pag nasa future na ko, and in my moments of lull/dreariness biglang magfa-flood in ang isang tipak ng alaala ng isang experience from the past.

tulad ng cebu adventure ko 2004 habang ginagawa ang isang pelikula. back then it was nothing to me--nangitim kami ng sobra sa init ng araw, halos walang tulog sa pag-aapura na matapos ang pelikula at nangangapa pa ko nun sa bagong trabaho na sinabak ko bilang scriptcon--pero looking back now, isa sya sa best memories ko of 2004. i love new places, and it was my first time in cebu. i love adventure, at adventure talaga sya for little girl me back then. and at that time, bagong bago pa ang perspective ko sa trabaho ko. buhay na buhay pa ang mga pangarap, fuelled by a passion na hahamakin ang lahat, titiisin ang kahit ano, lulunukin ang pride, all in the name of the dream.

there are only two causes of rue. first, i wish i had known more about being a scriptcon back then. baka mas marami pa kong nai-contribute sa production. mas natulungan ko pa ang AD (bago pa rin sya nun) sa floor work (that same AD nga pala was the subject of my hapless gay-loving fantasies three years ago--ebidensya ang mga previous entries dito). second, i wish i had taken the ship going home instead of the plane. ang saya daw ng biyahe sa barko pabalik. tsk. kaso i was so homesick gusto ko nang makauwi agad. low EQ talaga!

at that time it was nothing. i wonder kung ano ang mga mistulang nothing lang ngayon na magiging golden naman ang memory sa future.

minsan naiisip ko kaya nagiging golden ang memory ng isang period sa buhay ko dahil may something sa period na yon na wala na ngayon. i suppose sa cebu adventure maraming bagay ang wala, pero stand out yung mga pangarap. kasi nang lumaon, naging trabaho na lang ang pagi-scriptcon sa kin. nawala na yung greater end which is matuto from the directors i'm working with. sumasara na pala ang utak ko nang kusa, parang maraming nagka-clog na kung ano, habang tumatagal. nagiging automaton, lalo na pag puyat at pagod, at dadating ka sa point na iisipin mo kung masaya ka pa ba, kung worth it ba, kung bat ka andito, kung ano ang ayaw mo at gusto mo, kung ano na ang priorities mo at present, etc.

i long for the old fire. not for the same particular dream or this same job per se. but passion in general, for whatever i'm doing now and will be doing in the future.

parang stuffed nose na ang self ko. it needs decongesting. kasi wala nang lumalabas at wala na ding pumapasok.

* * *

isang gabing maulan sa ilang, natigil ang shoot. naka-hang mode ako habang pinapanood ang mga patak ng ulan sa putikan (haha). pinag-iisipan ko ang wise words of advice ng isang kaibigan sa akin a few hours earlier. sabi nya, if you want something, mag-effort ka para ipakita sa kanila na kaya mo, kahit hindi yon ang trabaho mo, strictly speaking. may point sya, pero siguro nawalan na lang talaga ko ng drive. ang akin na lang ngayon, pag ito ang trabaho ko, ito ang aalagaan ko. hindi na ko magpapabiba para sa iba pang D&R.

nakakapagod na kasi. di ko talent ang multi-tasking.

something tells me hindi progresibo ang pag-iisip na ganto. 20-year-old "i-have-to-win" me would've responded differently. e ang tigas na ng ulo ko. i know it's the way to go. i just don't want to do it now.

so i suppose hindi ko sya ganon kagusto, o hindi ko na sya ganon kagusto, kung hindi na ko nage-effort sa kanya.

* * *

napanood ko na sya, finally. kagabi. at naluha ako sa ilang parte. at nagitla. dahil matino pala syang lumabas. at hindi halata sa storytelling na walang buong script ang pelikula while we were shooting it. may continuity ang flow from sequence to sequence. in fairness to direk. may pagka-brillo naman pala talaga, kahit madugo ang proseso.

but still. madugo pa rin e.

nung isang araw tinanong ako ng line producer kung pwede daw akong magscriptcon sa pelikulang ishushoot ng same direk by end of november. may conflict po sa sked ko e, sabi ko sa lp. ang totoo, bukod pa sa conflict sa sked, isipin ko pa lang na uulit ako sa kanya, napapagod na ko. isipin ko pa lang na may sequel din ang pagluha ko ng dugo from our last project, nadedepress na ko. wag na muna.

* * *

kahapon naki-brainstorm uli ako. medyo kinakalawang na ang right brain, pero na-enjoy ko. nakakabuhay palang bumalik sa ganong mode.

flashback to:

2005. brainstorms with beatlebum, frog princess, and floda for the kiligshow. cheapsteaks, IO, and especially for you. that was fun, and that time masyado akong busy sa funny-sad subplot ng real life to realize how fun everything else was. ha!ha!

fast forward to:

2006. da big haus. the money was fun. and the work would've eventually become fun, too, probably, somehow, if i had stayed. i was miserable back then but looking back now, i'll always remember that racket. blowing out smoke in the balcony, stressing out in the control room, stressing out in the spotting room. working alongside osobear, cringing at his corny hirits. haha. he was so corny i couldn't help but laugh.

i want to work with osobear again. di ko lang alam kung pano mangyayari yon. i wonder if things will be different this time. baka sabihan lang nya ko na mababa ang EQ ko, like how he always does. ha!ha!

is that what you call this?

Stumbled upon this on the web.

http://galadarling.com/article/how-to-cope-with-a-quarter-life-crisis

"Most people who are going through this ugly process are aware that there is something wrong, but are you just feeling generally miserable or is it a quarter-life crisis?

What are the signs or symptoms? Commonly, they are…

*Feeling like you’re not doing well enough
*Frustration & disillusionment with the working world
*Feeling insecure about what you’re doing, where you’re going & what your plans are
*Anxiety over close relationships
*Feeling extremely bored with your social life (otherwise known as, “Oh my god, I will throw myself out the window if I have to go to another party at her house”)
*Nostalgia for teenage years, high school or university (this often manifests itself as an obsession with looking at old photographs or reading journals & reminiscing)
*Feeling a desperate need to “settle down” — like buy a house, get married or have a baby
*...Or conversely, wanting to “escape” the real world — like backpacking around the world or finding a nice cave to live in
*Financial stress or confusion
*Intense loneliness
*Feeling that everyone is doing better than you
*Terror at the concept of getting “old”
*Wondering “Is that all there is?”
*A vague feeling of apathy, mixed with horror, panic & depression

Of course, feeling some of these things occasionally is pretty much par for the course, & not necessarily indicative that you’re going through a quarter-life crisis! However, if all these things (or the majority of them) seem to have hit you at once, this can be quite terrifying — especially if it happens to coincide with your birthday or other milestone.

...There are two deciding factors which separate the two groups. Since they both deserve a lot of attention, I’ve split this article into two parts — the second of which is coming tomorrow.

The first catalyst for a quarter-life crisis is a lack of meaningful work.

So, the idea that your work or career (or lack of one) could be contributing to your feelings of anxiety is probably a bit of a drag to some of you — especially those of you who are in denial about how happy your work makes you. By now, we all know (I’m sure) that working just to eke out a living is not the path to eternal bliss. The people who seem happiest & most fulfilled are always those who do something that turns their crank. I know that sounds like a bit of a heavy trip, especially if you don’t feel like you’re part of that camp. Believe me, I’ve been there, & I know from personal experience that there is nothing worse than working in a job you dislike. I think the place where a lot of us stumble is that we think the work we do — or the career we enter — has to be life-changing, ground-shaking, life-shattering. It doesn’t. It doesn’t at all.

When I say “meaningful work”, my definition is that it has to be meaningful to you — & only you. As much as we would all like to change the planet, that isn’t necessary to feel good or fulfilled. My idea of something “meaningful” is pretty simple: do something that has value to you"

and i thought naghihinarte lang ako. umi-emo. for months now.
i suppose it's normal. abnormally normal, and it goes with the age bracket. dahil marami sa mga naka-bullet points above, swak. ganun pala ka-clinical. nabu-bullet point.

meaningful work daw. ano ba ang meaningful sa kin?
i'm lost.

at least i'm glad. it's not just me.

i think of something and i find myself cursing..

..aloud. involuntarily. and as soon as the foul words leave my mouth i want to hit myself. for being such a wound. snarling pus and blood, from memories that will soon fade away in the sands.

i haven't been like this in a while. that's what happens when you bottle it up inside, every single day, for two straight months.

the other day i dreamed of someone, and woke up grumpy. i was testy all day. i hated it.

two more weeks, or less, or a little bit more, i'll be over this. because life is happy. because it's over, and the memories will soon stop haunting me.

* * *

life is happy, because i can have peaceful days at home, get to sleep more, surf the net and play online games to my heart's content, have longer baths, share meals with my family morning noon and night, have longer dates with osobear, watch movies any old time i want, be a more present entity to my little girl keanna, have time to sit down and think and ponder and wonder over the state of things and this life, hope and pray for brighter tomorrows.

life these days is happy, much much happier than two weeks ago. i should be thankful, and shouldn't let ugly ghosts from the recent past ruin it for me.

pero last ko na 'to.
p******a talaga!