dreary moment. this won't end til after i'm done. with what's supposed to be done.
and yet i'm thinking of other things.
precisely the reason why i didn't want to subject myself to possibilities. because i was scared of this. i know myself. and what i fear is what's somekinda happening now.
because there's something that i love too much. and i wouldn't want to compromise it. but i guess it's making me think now. because if i love it enough, why am i not thinking about it. why do i not want to think about it. why do i not look forward to facing it at all.
maybe that's precisely why. i love it too much, so maybe i should lighten up.
or that would be the common conclusion. but the real story is that my mind's divided.
which disappoints me. so badly. because my worst side is surfacing again. the less-driven side. the vulnerable side. the pathetic cowardly comfort-seeking side.
and the real reason, why my mind's divided, is so pathetically POINTLESS.
pointless.
because these things that i'm diverting to, they're only in for a temporary stay.
but the things that i'm squirming away from are the stuff that's supposed to matter. they're going to figure in my life for a much longer time. if i only do them right. if i only friggin GET THEM DONE.
you try to fight it with as much combative bravura as you could muster, and in the end the worst thing that could happen is that you would totally lose it.
and then, it would be your achilles' heel.
pointless. senseless. stagnating, bluey.
focus, please. if only for the moment. even if this is the dreariest friggin time.
maybe my friend was right to simply dismiss this with a laugh.
because i really am laughable.
hahaha.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Monday, September 04, 2006
Saturday, September 02, 2006
dispersed thoughts, diversionary tactics
3:37 pm.
more depressed than ever. can't even open the file that i should've opened last night, instead of blogging here.
sigh.
been exchanging text msgs with my friend's "date" last night. hay nako. here we go again. this is the second of my friend's suitors who decided to turn me into somekinduva confidante/tip-giver. napakahaba naman ng hair mo, friend. mukhang kakaribalin mo pa si frog princess ko sa pagiging topnotcher in my list of Top Five Heartbreakers I've Known In This Lifetime.
the suitor said he was in love with my friend but he knew that my friend has feelings for someone else. i don't know how he could've found out about that. my friend's attracted to the neighborhood gym instructor, who, he ruefully tells me, is someone he probably couldn't get. the suitor said that after three weeks of courtship, parang "napapagod" na sya, because he's done his part.
somehow those words struck a cord in me. siguro iba lang talaga ang kaso pag guy-to-guy kumpara sa guy-to-girl. mas mabilis ang pacing ng mga gay relationships--you like me, i like you, let's hook up. pero dahil konserbatibo ang society natin, usually mas mahabang proseso pag babae ang nililigawan.
haha. backward conservative double-standard thinking, i know. i'd rather think that way than feel guilty. because there's nothing to feel guilty about. i've always made it clear that my options are open.
minsan naiisip ko siguro hindi pa ko ready. at 26. haha. isn't that the most ludicrous, hilarious, pathetic thing you've heard.
* * *
4 pm. before i face The File i intend to take a bath first. another excuse to bide time. i hate it. i hate me.
* * *
instead of the pathetic silly stuff, maybe i should think about the ones that need urgent attention. but i hate the thought of having to face it. the difficulty. the discomfort.
wag muna nating isipin. it's so much more fun talking about other things. anything, other than that.
* * *
and then there's holly.
by golly it's holly.
flattering, but unhealthy. anything that wreaks havoc on your ability to concentrate is dangerous. up until two days ago i'd been pretty content on my own stolid beliefs about this person. now i'm just stumped.
flattery is a weapon. and he knows it. and so he uses it everytime, with just a little dint of honesty so as to make it sound sincere. i know this type. the volatile, seasonal, inconsistent one. and thus, shouldn't be trusted.
that's not to say, though, that the amusement has to stop. haha. that's the magic of a magic show--we know it's all fake, it's all just tricks, but we ride on with it, anyway. for the mere escapist fun of it.
hay. ganon talaga e.
* * *
one of the last msgs from my friend's suitor:
"alam ko ikaw ang bespren nya. pakitingnan na lang sya for me. and i know what's good for him. and i know it's not me."
aww. that's sweet. he's young, though, and he's admitted that this is his first time to "fall in love". everyone's intense the first time they fall in love. but that's still sweet of him to say.
somehow i couldn't get it out of mind. the most unsettling thought i've had in the past two days (well, next to the heavy thought of a storyline to finish). something that a friend had said a few nights ago, which resonates with this little incident last night of my friend's suitor turning me into his confidante.
why the hell would people do that?
it just doesn't agree with my theory. and it's boggling me.
more depressed than ever. can't even open the file that i should've opened last night, instead of blogging here.
sigh.
been exchanging text msgs with my friend's "date" last night. hay nako. here we go again. this is the second of my friend's suitors who decided to turn me into somekinduva confidante/tip-giver. napakahaba naman ng hair mo, friend. mukhang kakaribalin mo pa si frog princess ko sa pagiging topnotcher in my list of Top Five Heartbreakers I've Known In This Lifetime.
the suitor said he was in love with my friend but he knew that my friend has feelings for someone else. i don't know how he could've found out about that. my friend's attracted to the neighborhood gym instructor, who, he ruefully tells me, is someone he probably couldn't get. the suitor said that after three weeks of courtship, parang "napapagod" na sya, because he's done his part.
somehow those words struck a cord in me. siguro iba lang talaga ang kaso pag guy-to-guy kumpara sa guy-to-girl. mas mabilis ang pacing ng mga gay relationships--you like me, i like you, let's hook up. pero dahil konserbatibo ang society natin, usually mas mahabang proseso pag babae ang nililigawan.
haha. backward conservative double-standard thinking, i know. i'd rather think that way than feel guilty. because there's nothing to feel guilty about. i've always made it clear that my options are open.
minsan naiisip ko siguro hindi pa ko ready. at 26. haha. isn't that the most ludicrous, hilarious, pathetic thing you've heard.
* * *
4 pm. before i face The File i intend to take a bath first. another excuse to bide time. i hate it. i hate me.
* * *
instead of the pathetic silly stuff, maybe i should think about the ones that need urgent attention. but i hate the thought of having to face it. the difficulty. the discomfort.
wag muna nating isipin. it's so much more fun talking about other things. anything, other than that.
* * *
and then there's holly.
by golly it's holly.
flattering, but unhealthy. anything that wreaks havoc on your ability to concentrate is dangerous. up until two days ago i'd been pretty content on my own stolid beliefs about this person. now i'm just stumped.
flattery is a weapon. and he knows it. and so he uses it everytime, with just a little dint of honesty so as to make it sound sincere. i know this type. the volatile, seasonal, inconsistent one. and thus, shouldn't be trusted.
that's not to say, though, that the amusement has to stop. haha. that's the magic of a magic show--we know it's all fake, it's all just tricks, but we ride on with it, anyway. for the mere escapist fun of it.
hay. ganon talaga e.
* * *
one of the last msgs from my friend's suitor:
"alam ko ikaw ang bespren nya. pakitingnan na lang sya for me. and i know what's good for him. and i know it's not me."
aww. that's sweet. he's young, though, and he's admitted that this is his first time to "fall in love". everyone's intense the first time they fall in love. but that's still sweet of him to say.
somehow i couldn't get it out of mind. the most unsettling thought i've had in the past two days (well, next to the heavy thought of a storyline to finish). something that a friend had said a few nights ago, which resonates with this little incident last night of my friend's suitor turning me into his confidante.
why the hell would people do that?
it just doesn't agree with my theory. and it's boggling me.
don't
5:33 am.
just came from a videoke-cum-brainstorming session with my friend and his "date".
was the third wheel who thoroughly enjoyed herself. but i couldn't help feeling...somekinda...glum. each time i'd see nuances from my friend's (purportedly avid) suitor--a look, an action, a little gesture--that spoke volumes, where his feelings for my friend is concerned. and those were the moments when i would actually feel like a real third wheel.
aww, lurve.
i hate it. because it's the worst time to even think about stuff like that. and it renders me a bit more vulnerable to certain stuff that, on a normal day, would've been simply nothing.
but i was sad tonight. sad about a lot of things. pressure doesn't only freeze me, it renders me vulnerable as well. makes me want to turn to the nearest source of comfort. like the fluff. which at this point ain't advisable. because.
it's dawn. september 2. happy birthday, keanu.
time capsule #002 resurfaced via SMS, after about a week. the longest space between his habitual "pagpaparamdam". hey, i thought this was a done-and-over-with case. i'd said my eulogies and piled up the memories for burial, haven't i. it would've been the best source of comfort for me, a timely thing, a happy thing. but it wasn't. and i know why.
text msgs don't mean shit. i mean that in a way. in a way, i don't.
the first time i actually got a glimpse into someone's mind was, ironically, via an exchange of SMS's. and now i can't seem to get that memory out of my head. maybe because i actually liked what i saw.
arghhhhh.
don't friggin go there.
just came from a videoke-cum-brainstorming session with my friend and his "date".
was the third wheel who thoroughly enjoyed herself. but i couldn't help feeling...somekinda...glum. each time i'd see nuances from my friend's (purportedly avid) suitor--a look, an action, a little gesture--that spoke volumes, where his feelings for my friend is concerned. and those were the moments when i would actually feel like a real third wheel.
aww, lurve.
i hate it. because it's the worst time to even think about stuff like that. and it renders me a bit more vulnerable to certain stuff that, on a normal day, would've been simply nothing.
but i was sad tonight. sad about a lot of things. pressure doesn't only freeze me, it renders me vulnerable as well. makes me want to turn to the nearest source of comfort. like the fluff. which at this point ain't advisable. because.
it's dawn. september 2. happy birthday, keanu.
time capsule #002 resurfaced via SMS, after about a week. the longest space between his habitual "pagpaparamdam". hey, i thought this was a done-and-over-with case. i'd said my eulogies and piled up the memories for burial, haven't i. it would've been the best source of comfort for me, a timely thing, a happy thing. but it wasn't. and i know why.
text msgs don't mean shit. i mean that in a way. in a way, i don't.
the first time i actually got a glimpse into someone's mind was, ironically, via an exchange of SMS's. and now i can't seem to get that memory out of my head. maybe because i actually liked what i saw.
arghhhhh.
don't friggin go there.
Friday, September 01, 2006
how i dreamed of finishing a storyline and ended up with a novel
pumapatak ang mga araw.
dalawang linggo na kong nagpoprocrassstinate.
pano ba magsulat ng pelikula?
di ba pinag-aralan yan sa skwela?
dalawang sem kay bing lao, e bat ngayon parang wala kang kaalam-alam?
clueless. friggin clueless.
nakakainis. ayoko sanang ikwento. kesa magsulat ako sa blog sana hinaharap ko na lang yung kinakatakutan kong harapin. the blank phosphorus screen. the uncomfortable feeling of burning brain cells in pursuit of something good enough.
good enough. kaya di ka makapagsimula e.
september 1 na. huy.
it means too much to me. maybe that's why. i don't want to screw up things that mean too much to me. hindi pa nga talaga tinatrabaho nang husto, takot na agad magkamali.
oo narinig ko na yan e. yan nga ang psychoanalysis sakin ng friend-cum-shrink-cum-adviser kong si waterfowl. people can give you the same advice over and over again but there's only one way to solve this so-called problem.
just friggin do it, man.
do a nike.
go through the discomfort, the unpleasant feelings, the terror, the trauma, the puyat, the extra joss and the coffee, the yosi, the same old ingredients from one year ago, when you had to write as an obligation. because this is your obligation. your obligation to yourself. you owe it to yourself, somehow, who's been dreaming of getting "something" done for the past two years.
hay. ilan ba kaming ganito.
tama na nga. naiirita lang ako lalo.
* * *
pag di ako manonood ng pelikula, magbabasa ako ng libro. research, baga. to see how other writers saw. back to film 121.
i want to do it right the first time.
do it right, and do it well.
siguro wrong way of thinking. kasi not a lot of people get it right the first time.
tama naaaaaa.
* * *
dun na lang tayo sa fluff. ang sarap magkwento pag kababawan ang pag-uusapan. para ka lang naglalakad sa park. or nagsu-surf sa fwendster.
break na sila ng dyowa nya. yahoo.
hindi naman ako masaya talaga. kasi kahit naman single sya, hindi pa rin ako papasa. unless magpa-sex change ako. kaso kahit nagpa-sex change ako hindi pa rin ako aabot sa height requirement nya. haha. hay palakang prinsesa. mishu mishu.
these days i'm constantly reminded of my days at Da Haus. siguro dahil nagsisimula na naman ang bagong season ng newest franchise from Indimul, siguro dahil in-touch pa rin ako sa mga dating katrabaho. i don't miss the job but sometimes i miss the people. the old personages from six months ago.
friends neutralize the intensities of daily life. friends, and fluff.
hindi nga worthy ikwento ang mga ganitong bagay. dahil ang mga walang kwenta sa yo, hindi mo masyadong kinukwento di ba. inane stuff, because it's not going to make my life any better. not from the look of things, not for the moment.
it's strange, though. because for the first time in my pathetic, cloistered existence, i was being given alternative options. and i'm not cringing. wary, on-guard, highly suspicious, yes. but not cringing at all.
there are things that a girl will not forget, regardless of whoever is involved. like the first time she receives flowers from someone (mas okay kung at random, na hindi pinagplanuhan, halimbawa kung napadaan lang sila sa isang santan bush at biglang pinitas ang santan at binigay sa kanya, or may little flower vendor na napadaan at biglang naisipang ibili sya ng isa). the first time that someone escorts her home. the first time that someone dedicates a song to her. the first time that someone tells her things that he would remember about her when their brief co-laboring stint is over (things that she wouldn't expect anyone to notice, much less remember). the first time that someone gives her a surprise gift for her birthday. little sacrifices that someone would make just to be with her. constant fwendster messages across the miles from someone, to remind her that he has not forgotten her. constant text messages from someone, to let her know that he's thinking of her.
these things are something to keep. for Time Capsule #002.
i subconsciously shoo people away. it's a talent that i've unfortunately honed to perfection. i've always wondered why i kept myself at a certain distance even if i welcomed this person's friendship. maybe i wanted to be open to possibilities, but emotionally i wasn't sold. maybe i've been sending an honest message all along, and he finally got it. and so guilt at this point would be, well, pointless. i only wish we could stay friends. he probably deserves someone a lot better than beeyatchy, insensitive me.
so when times require it, i will always have Time Capsule #002 to make me feel better. you don't meet people like that everyday.
kumusta naman yun. all of a sudden biglang naging existing ako. from eternally being on the giving end i suddenly find myself on the opposite side. those were strange days, the last few days at Da Haus. biglang humiwalay ang wallflower sa wall. naisip ko bigla ang term na "alternative options", na wala naman sa bokabularyo ko noon. malamang circumstantial, dahil supply should meet demand sa kahit saang community, at nang mga panahong yon eh mukhang kulang sa supply ng single girls na 20yo-and-above sa mundong yon. for the same exact principle na sobrang mabenta si FG sa girls at boys sa same community na yon--dahil may shortage ng mga pwede-pwede nang single 20ish guys in that walled-in, hi-tension world. hay dynamics. everything is relative. everything is possibly circumstantial. and you can't discount these factors when assessing certain situations.
lalo na pagdating sa matters-of-the-proverbial-heart. because love is war. extremist thinking, but in a way, true. and if you're bound for war you have to fortify yourself, for self-preservation. that, above all else, before you allow yourself to fall in love and risk being emotionally vulnerable to the person.
make sure you're landing on solid ground before you take a leap. and you're armored to the nines. especially if you're a fragile psyche. god knows what kind of damage that a broken heart could cause.
as far as you're concerned, the other person is guilty by default unless proven innocent. para when it turns out na he's of the good kind naman pala, magiging pleasant surprise pa para sa yo. pag hindi naman, hindi ka na madi-disappoint, and in a strange way you'll find self-satisfaction--and consolation--in the fact that you had been right all along. sabi na nga ba, he couldn't be trusted. sabi na nga ba, hindi sya seryoso. sabi na nga ba, gago yon e. ang galing ko talaga.
dahil guilty unless he proves himself to be otherwise, your trust is something that he has to earn. the burden of proof is on him, and don't let him turn the tables on you. you need not prove to him that you like him if he hasn't proven that he genuinely, sincerely likes you.
don't believe everything he says, if you don't know him well enough to be able to correctly determine if he's an honest nut or not. words are cheap. text messages are cheaper. guys will always show you their good side when they're wooing you; learn to tell what's put-on and what's real. at any moment the other person can transform into the enemy, and if that happens, it's best to be ready for it. best to prepare yourself for anything.
keep your thoughts and feelings under wraps. don't lay all your cards down, unless it's reasonably safe to do so (and you'd know if you've known the "enemy" well enough to determine how he'd react to such an act by you). didn't they say, just as men love the "chase", they probably love mystery just as much. and if they can't read you, if they can't predict you, you practically have the upper hand. it keeps the interest factor level up. keep them guessing, but don't play up the mystery too much to the point of affectation.
based from a particularly scarring past experience, i also realized that maybe, laying all your cards on the table so early on in the game might make the "enemy" too complacent. an all-too-complacent guy tends to take a girl for granted. which is something that no self-respecting girl would want. or deserve.
most of all, dilute. detach. lay off the intensity. take and deal with these things lightly. until you're absolutely sure that he is the real thing, don't let the fluff carry you away. hearts get broken easiest that way.
how's that for the cynic's guide to love. hehe. maybe i'm too negative, but it's probably best for me to take on that mindset for the moment.
asus. nobela ito. kung nobela nga nagagawa ko malamang storyline kaya ko rin.
try ko kaya.
dalawang linggo na kong nagpoprocrassstinate.
pano ba magsulat ng pelikula?
di ba pinag-aralan yan sa skwela?
dalawang sem kay bing lao, e bat ngayon parang wala kang kaalam-alam?
clueless. friggin clueless.
nakakainis. ayoko sanang ikwento. kesa magsulat ako sa blog sana hinaharap ko na lang yung kinakatakutan kong harapin. the blank phosphorus screen. the uncomfortable feeling of burning brain cells in pursuit of something good enough.
good enough. kaya di ka makapagsimula e.
september 1 na. huy.
it means too much to me. maybe that's why. i don't want to screw up things that mean too much to me. hindi pa nga talaga tinatrabaho nang husto, takot na agad magkamali.
oo narinig ko na yan e. yan nga ang psychoanalysis sakin ng friend-cum-shrink-cum-adviser kong si waterfowl. people can give you the same advice over and over again but there's only one way to solve this so-called problem.
just friggin do it, man.
do a nike.
go through the discomfort, the unpleasant feelings, the terror, the trauma, the puyat, the extra joss and the coffee, the yosi, the same old ingredients from one year ago, when you had to write as an obligation. because this is your obligation. your obligation to yourself. you owe it to yourself, somehow, who's been dreaming of getting "something" done for the past two years.
hay. ilan ba kaming ganito.
tama na nga. naiirita lang ako lalo.
* * *
pag di ako manonood ng pelikula, magbabasa ako ng libro. research, baga. to see how other writers saw. back to film 121.
i want to do it right the first time.
do it right, and do it well.
siguro wrong way of thinking. kasi not a lot of people get it right the first time.
tama naaaaaa.
* * *
dun na lang tayo sa fluff. ang sarap magkwento pag kababawan ang pag-uusapan. para ka lang naglalakad sa park. or nagsu-surf sa fwendster.
break na sila ng dyowa nya. yahoo.
hindi naman ako masaya talaga. kasi kahit naman single sya, hindi pa rin ako papasa. unless magpa-sex change ako. kaso kahit nagpa-sex change ako hindi pa rin ako aabot sa height requirement nya. haha. hay palakang prinsesa. mishu mishu.
these days i'm constantly reminded of my days at Da Haus. siguro dahil nagsisimula na naman ang bagong season ng newest franchise from Indimul, siguro dahil in-touch pa rin ako sa mga dating katrabaho. i don't miss the job but sometimes i miss the people. the old personages from six months ago.
friends neutralize the intensities of daily life. friends, and fluff.
hindi nga worthy ikwento ang mga ganitong bagay. dahil ang mga walang kwenta sa yo, hindi mo masyadong kinukwento di ba. inane stuff, because it's not going to make my life any better. not from the look of things, not for the moment.
it's strange, though. because for the first time in my pathetic, cloistered existence, i was being given alternative options. and i'm not cringing. wary, on-guard, highly suspicious, yes. but not cringing at all.
there are things that a girl will not forget, regardless of whoever is involved. like the first time she receives flowers from someone (mas okay kung at random, na hindi pinagplanuhan, halimbawa kung napadaan lang sila sa isang santan bush at biglang pinitas ang santan at binigay sa kanya, or may little flower vendor na napadaan at biglang naisipang ibili sya ng isa). the first time that someone escorts her home. the first time that someone dedicates a song to her. the first time that someone tells her things that he would remember about her when their brief co-laboring stint is over (things that she wouldn't expect anyone to notice, much less remember). the first time that someone gives her a surprise gift for her birthday. little sacrifices that someone would make just to be with her. constant fwendster messages across the miles from someone, to remind her that he has not forgotten her. constant text messages from someone, to let her know that he's thinking of her.
these things are something to keep. for Time Capsule #002.
i subconsciously shoo people away. it's a talent that i've unfortunately honed to perfection. i've always wondered why i kept myself at a certain distance even if i welcomed this person's friendship. maybe i wanted to be open to possibilities, but emotionally i wasn't sold. maybe i've been sending an honest message all along, and he finally got it. and so guilt at this point would be, well, pointless. i only wish we could stay friends. he probably deserves someone a lot better than beeyatchy, insensitive me.
so when times require it, i will always have Time Capsule #002 to make me feel better. you don't meet people like that everyday.
kumusta naman yun. all of a sudden biglang naging existing ako. from eternally being on the giving end i suddenly find myself on the opposite side. those were strange days, the last few days at Da Haus. biglang humiwalay ang wallflower sa wall. naisip ko bigla ang term na "alternative options", na wala naman sa bokabularyo ko noon. malamang circumstantial, dahil supply should meet demand sa kahit saang community, at nang mga panahong yon eh mukhang kulang sa supply ng single girls na 20yo-and-above sa mundong yon. for the same exact principle na sobrang mabenta si FG sa girls at boys sa same community na yon--dahil may shortage ng mga pwede-pwede nang single 20ish guys in that walled-in, hi-tension world. hay dynamics. everything is relative. everything is possibly circumstantial. and you can't discount these factors when assessing certain situations.
lalo na pagdating sa matters-of-the-proverbial-heart. because love is war. extremist thinking, but in a way, true. and if you're bound for war you have to fortify yourself, for self-preservation. that, above all else, before you allow yourself to fall in love and risk being emotionally vulnerable to the person.
make sure you're landing on solid ground before you take a leap. and you're armored to the nines. especially if you're a fragile psyche. god knows what kind of damage that a broken heart could cause.
as far as you're concerned, the other person is guilty by default unless proven innocent. para when it turns out na he's of the good kind naman pala, magiging pleasant surprise pa para sa yo. pag hindi naman, hindi ka na madi-disappoint, and in a strange way you'll find self-satisfaction--and consolation--in the fact that you had been right all along. sabi na nga ba, he couldn't be trusted. sabi na nga ba, hindi sya seryoso. sabi na nga ba, gago yon e. ang galing ko talaga.
dahil guilty unless he proves himself to be otherwise, your trust is something that he has to earn. the burden of proof is on him, and don't let him turn the tables on you. you need not prove to him that you like him if he hasn't proven that he genuinely, sincerely likes you.
don't believe everything he says, if you don't know him well enough to be able to correctly determine if he's an honest nut or not. words are cheap. text messages are cheaper. guys will always show you their good side when they're wooing you; learn to tell what's put-on and what's real. at any moment the other person can transform into the enemy, and if that happens, it's best to be ready for it. best to prepare yourself for anything.
keep your thoughts and feelings under wraps. don't lay all your cards down, unless it's reasonably safe to do so (and you'd know if you've known the "enemy" well enough to determine how he'd react to such an act by you). didn't they say, just as men love the "chase", they probably love mystery just as much. and if they can't read you, if they can't predict you, you practically have the upper hand. it keeps the interest factor level up. keep them guessing, but don't play up the mystery too much to the point of affectation.
based from a particularly scarring past experience, i also realized that maybe, laying all your cards on the table so early on in the game might make the "enemy" too complacent. an all-too-complacent guy tends to take a girl for granted. which is something that no self-respecting girl would want. or deserve.
most of all, dilute. detach. lay off the intensity. take and deal with these things lightly. until you're absolutely sure that he is the real thing, don't let the fluff carry you away. hearts get broken easiest that way.
how's that for the cynic's guide to love. hehe. maybe i'm too negative, but it's probably best for me to take on that mindset for the moment.
asus. nobela ito. kung nobela nga nagagawa ko malamang storyline kaya ko rin.
try ko kaya.
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