wish

throwing this wish out there.

i wish, matapos ko na ang ginagawa kong script ngayon.

i wish, matapos ko na ang lahat ng dapat kong gawing scripts within today, march 11.

i wish, matapos ko na lahat ng obligasyon ko within today, march 11.

i wish, Lord. I pray. dahil sa ngayon, i really really need the universe to work with me. I really, really need Your help Lord God.

alam ko, matutulungan nyo ako. please Lord, help me. I need to finish everything today.

cul de sac?

there must be a hole in the wall. either i have to drill it, or climb up to the top. basta dapat, makaalis ako sa letseng cul de sac na 'to.

motivation. dati, ano? fame? glory? advancement? a pat on the back?

ngayon, di na nagwowork yon sa akin. di  ko alam kung bakit.

money. money, money.

kulang pa. kulang.

so thats the reason why i need to haul myself out of this cul de sac. because there's money on the other side of the wall.

drill it, bitch.

And the mistress is on a roll

while the "wife" is away...you know what they say.

kaya habang may free time pa in between script drafts, laro-laro muna ako with our little cookie-making business.

apparently, hindi ko na sya mabitawan. dahil pati husband kong si osobear, involved na sa "affair" na ito.

habang dumadami ang mga orders, lalo lang kaming naiinlove sa kanya. and i couldn't help fantasizing that someday, who knows...maybe the mistress could someday be my wife. someday. pero siguro, medyo matagal pang someday yon.

then again. who knows?

ngayon, tatlong standing orders for the month of march. nakapila ang mga nagpapagawa ng samples (samples really help close deals!). at kung matutuloy lahat yun, meron na kaming orders for april, may, and september :-)

kakaiba yung thrill. thank you lord. sana magtuluy-tuloy na. kahit kumakain ng oras sa araw at gabi, kahit imbes na matulog, makipagbonding, o maglamyerda eh nagbebake kami...okay lang. ganyan daw talaga pag nagsisimula ng negosyo. parang pagpapalaki ng anak. pagpupuyatan mo, pagtutuunan mo ng oras at atensyon habang nagsisimula mo pa lang syang mabuhay.

maraming salamat po uli, lord. sana po, mapagsabay ko ang relationships ko with the wife and the mistress. sana po maperfect ko ang time management at magkaroon din ng time for the mistress nang mas marami-rami.

Time, not money, is the most precious commodity on earth.

mahal kita pero kailangan ko siya

there are writers, and there is me.
i don't think i was born a writer. i don't write during my free time (except here-- and even writing here minsan kinakatamaran ko pa). i'm not by nature brimming with story ideas that i ache to realize on paper/phosphorus screen.

i used to be that. i used to be in love. with stories. with writing. at 15, i wrote to escape from boring chemistry lectures. i used to read a lot, and there was a longing in me--- to write the kind of stories that i myself would want to read.

but now? i hardly read anymore. the longing is no longer there (i don't know if  the passion for reading and the passion for writing are correlated) but i have to keep on writing, because by profession, i'm a writer. i am paid to create stories. to realize them on paper. i have a job that i used to fantasize about, at 16. i had dreamed of having this when i was young.

but now it's so hard. so hard for me. dahil nawawala ang puso ko. natuon na yata sa iba ang pagmamahal ko. while i write, i fantasize about my oven. about the orders that are waiting in line. the samples i have to make as soon as i'm done with my real job. what keeps me awake are not ideas for stories. but ideas for cookie designs.

it's ridiculous. maybe this will pass. maybe i just need to go back to why i fell in love with writing, at 15. why this had become my One Great Dream, a long time ago. i'm living a childhood Dream. so what's wrong with me?

deadline in 4 days. ni hindi pa nakakaalis sa laot ang barko. lumilipad ang isip ko. :-(

new passion

again.
and up until last night, i had visions of turning it into a real business.
and then that moment came, while i was mixing my Nth batch of Royal Icing at 4am. my husband was flooding icing on 50 cookies, one by one. we'd been laboring over cookies in the wee hours for the Nth straight night. this used to be fun, but at that moment, napatanong ako sa sarili ko---magkano nga ba ang kikitain namin dito? kulang pa sa gagastusin ko for operation balik alindog, bilang ang haggard haggard na ng itsura ko dahil sa kakapuyat!

yes i've found a new passion. pero kung yumaman ang intention ko, parang hindi ito ang papunta doon. nakakapagod masyado. kumakain ng araw at gabi. if i want money, i'd stick to my real job (and goddamn focus, bitch!) and on the side, keep looking for better business ideas. obviously, hindi ako yayaman sa pagdedecorate ng cookies. God knows i'm obsessed with it at the moment, pero no. hindi sya pwedeng negosyo. mauubos lang sa operation balik alindog ang barya-baryang kikitain namin!

nakakalungkot lang. kasi naaenjoy ko talaga sya. pero hindi practical. kesa magslave away ako sa kusina, mas mabuti pa manood na lang ako ng TV. bilang nasa TV ang totoong trabaho ko, mas makakatulong pa yun sa kabuhayan. doon ang totoong daan patungo sa pagyaman.

most used keyword: "pagyaman". di naman halatang obsessed ano?

haha.

love vs money. in this case, parang hindi masyadong makukuha ang pareho. swerte ka na lang talaga kung true love mo yung trabahong bumubuhay sa yo.

on that note, here are snippets of my love children from this newest "affair" (na involved ang mister ko, by the way. menage a trois? LOL!)