retro-ing on a rainy day

lovely rainy afternoon.

got a meeting today at 5 pm. at the kapamilya homebase. i love the kapamilya homebase, almost like a second home.

i backed out of something last night. after hours of dwelling over how to work it out. there are some setups wherein much would be required of you--time, effort, mental work--and you would find yourself resisting. to give what you're expected to give. because there are other priorities, other things to busy yourself with. and so you bail out.

now i get it. why some people wouldn't make the leap. why someone, one year ago, probably sensed that being in a certain setup would require him to devote so much of what is his--time, effort, emotions--and he resisted. like how he probably had resisted in many other cases.

haha. i've met these types before. different characters of the same mold.

but that's what it is about. kaya ka nagpapakasal, nanliligaw, o nagpapakahirap na igapang ang isang project. committing yourself to something is about giving AND getting. in this case, i wanted the money. but to get it i had to sweat it out. and then i realized that i didn't really want the money that much if i had to sweat it out that much. same goes for all the so-called free spirits out there, who feel that the prize at the end of the day is not going to be worth the effort they would be required to put in.

nothing personal. pero ayokong maging unfair. i cannot give myself 100%.

ganun din siguro ang rationale ng iba. ngayon mas naiintindihan ko na. and it doesn't really matter anyway, because i don't need to understand anymore.

* * *

shet! it's 3:10. it's raining still. it looks like 7 am outside. i don't want to be late.