post-partum

ayokong maging nega...pero medyo nakakawindang ang sunud-sunod na changes sa buhay ko lately. they're happy changes, and i know i have so much to be thankful for. pero...yun nga. nawiwindang ako. dahil normally i can only absorb one major change at a time. now i'm thrown into this state, all of a sudden i'm a mother, wife, manugang, hipag, tita, babysitter, palamunin, exile all at the same time. i'm living in a new home, dealing with new folks, adjusting to a new living setup. longing for the familiar, longing for home, longing for a cigarette break in the middle of all this madness. the madness is all happening inside my head, taurian me who's ever-resistant to change, and since i can't smoke (yet, as i'm breastfeeding), i'm left to other coping mechanisms. like blogging. and crying out of the blue when no one's looking.

drama. may plausible excuse naman ako. post-partum depression ito. i officially declare it. walang kokontra. haha.

bukod pa sa pag-blog at pag-iyak may isa pa kong dapat i-add sa coping mechanisms ko: counting my blessings. pag nami-miss ko ang katahimikan ng bahay namin sa marikina, iisipin ko na lang na swerte ako bilang maraming pwedeng gumabay sa akin dito sa tamang pag-aalaga sa baby ko. pag naiilang/nahihiya ako sa mga bagong kasama, iisipin ko na lang na at least they welcomed me to this house, when it could've been the other way around for anyone in the same situation. pag nami-miss ko ang pamilya ko at ang mga pusa ko sa marikina, iisipin ko na lang na at least i now wake up every morning with my baby and my bosobear right beside me. pag nadedepress ako dahil parang gusto ko nang umuwi at bumalik na sa dati kong nakasanayan, iisipin ko na lang na lahat ng pagbabago ay may discomfort sa simula, pero makaka-adjust din ako...at kahit na alam ko namang i am free to change this current setup if i want to, iisipin ko na lang na i'm doing this for my baby and my husband, na gusto ko magkakasama kami, and if this is the best way for us to be together, i would rather make the sacrifice and endure the pains that go with change.

so yon. naglalabas lang ng neuroses. i wonder kung merong makakarelate sa sitwasyon ko ngayon. i'd really really love to talk with them right now.