ibigay nyo NA!!!

hay. ang daldal ko kasi, nabuyag tuloy.
indefinitely postponed ang baguio work-related trip.
pero syet, ibigay nyo na sa kin. IBIGAY NYO NA!!!

it's the only way i could ever find the smallest fulfillment in this mundane thing we're doing.

* * *

IBIGAY NYO NA RIN ang natitirang sweldo namin sa project RR. parang awa nyo na. malaking ginhawa yon if it reaches my hands. it will give my mom something that would bring a smile to her face.

may meeting with the bosses daw sa thu o fri. Serendra, The Fort. soshal. kung yung ipang-aalmusal don eh ipambabayad na lang sa mga tao e di sana mas maraming masaya. pero flattered ako. kasi ako lang yata ang sinama na hindi bossing. on the other hand ibig lang sabihin non ako ang magiging sekretarya sa meeting (buti na lang bumili na ko ng bagong pilot sign pen). sana yung AD na lang ang inimbayt, tutal sya naman ang AD. ang layo kaya ng bahay ko sa bwitreng Da Fort, at alas-9 ng umaga noh!

pero wow, ano kayang magiging almusal sa Serendra? for sure it would beat the usual tuyo and pritong itlog na hinahain sa min sa mga shoots.

* * *

i long to travel, to go to a new far-off place.
hindi ko na kinagat yung tour daw ng short film namin ni dennis, for some reason. kasi unahan daw ang mga filmmakers sa pag-sign up. wala ako sa competitive mood noon. at kung sakali mang magka-slot for me, wala din ako sa mood na dumaldal tungkol sa pelikulang yon sa harap ng maraming tao. two years ago na kasi, nakalimutan ko na nga kung ano bang tema at tungkol ba sya saan, baka magmukha lang akong hindi alam ang sinasabi.

gusto ko ng bagong lugar. yung may beach, o yung malamig. sosyal lalo kung may snow. haha. pero yung bisita lang. hindi magtatagal. at yung ako pa ang babayaran for going there.

o pwede din na hindi ako bayaran, basta hindi lang ako gagastos.

* * *

nung last taping day, nasa nasugbu kami. walang beach. mas tagaytay yung feel nya. ang lamig nung gabi. dahil wala naman akong ginagawa pag nagsesetup sila, ninanamnam ko na lang yung malamig na hangin. sarap!

me gagawin pala si erstwhile Favorite Direk na pelikula this july. naka-oo na ko na magko-continuity, kaso rival company pala ng so-called Home Studio yung magpo-produce. no no pwede. di ko alam kung pano ko sasabihin na hindi na ko makakasama. kakahiya kasi.

tsaka kung IBIBIGAY NILA yung gusto ko sa reality show, mas pipiliin ko yon. malamang for the whole month of july ang tapings, might even stretch to august. kaya please, IBIGAY NYO NA!!!

* * *

nag-text back na yung field cashier. wala pa daw yung sweldo sa project RR, hanap pa daw funding. pffft. hay. napakamundane ng mga pinagsusulat ko dito. na-miss ko lang mag-rant sa mga walang kawawaan.

will love be enough?

i got this quote from a multiply:

"there is no money in filmmaking. only love for the cinema, and respect for co-artists."

if there's only love and no money, will love be enough?
the best solution as i see it now is to get the money from elsewhere.

i've had this conversation with myself years ago. and formulated my plan: to get the money from somewhere that was close to what i loved to do. and do what i love to do on the side.

somehow the "day jobs" drowned out the thing that i was supposed to do "on the side". and encouraged the coward in me. you need love and money to survive. the love was there but it was never really sated; and the money that was supposed to fill in the emptiness just wasn't enough. and i mean figures-speaking. so it was probably a stupid move, to stick to it, to have had the misconception that i could compromise, and marry my two mistresses, and come out halfway happy.

if you want money, get it elsewhere. not in making films.
dahil sabi nga nila, there is no money in filmmaking. whatever position you're in.

love will not be enough. you need to be brave enough, too. to churn it out. to actually do it. it's one thing to dream and another thing to do something about it.

there is no straight line to the fulfillment of a dream. no easy way up. no stepping stones, no surefire plans, no scholarships that would ensure you'll get There.

in the final analysis, it really is ALL.UP.TO YOU.

for all the world cares. you can make money from stockbrokering during the day and make your films during the night. in the end, you fulfill your two needs.

on the other hand, you can slave away in the same field, thinking that you are on the right track. getting yourself misled, misdirected. mistaking one for the other.
and end up with nothing but regrets.

* * *

love will not be enough. but didn't they say that if you love something enough, you will want to do everything to get it?

so maybe that's something to think about, too.

ewan ko. confused ako. for the first time in a long time, hindi ko alam kung anong gusto ko.

* * *

love for something versus love for someone. it doesn't have to be that way, but if it has to be that way, the choice would probably be easy.

or maybe not.
i don't know.
just sorting out thoughts.

tita shirley

nakadilat na daw si manong. :-)
pero nakakamangha yung balitang 27 minutes daw syang declared dead, tapos bumalik sya. hindi ko alam kung out of danger na sya ngayon, but i'm maintaining my hopes that he will be truly safe.

hindi kami close, pero somehow na-bother talaga ko sa nangyari sa kanya.

* * *

someone sent me news on my multiply tonight that shirley batulan has passed away. si shirley batulan, isa syang stage actress na minsan kong pinagkautangan ng loob. umarte kasi sya sa thesis film ko eight years ago, for free. promise ko sa sarili ko noon na pag naging certified working director na ko, isasama ko lagi sa mga directing rackets ko ang mga naging artista ko sa thesis, and this time around babayaran sila in full. over the years nabigyan ko si tita shirley ng dalawa o tatlong rackets pero feeling ko hindi ko pa rin sya nabayaran ng sapat. pero sobrang bait nya, dahil hindi sya nagrereklamo. napakabait, at buong buo ang suporta nya.

ngayon wala na pala sya. nakakagulat, dahil wala pa yata syang 60. at nung huli kaming magkita, ang healthy healthy nya. ni hindi ko man lang natupad yung promise kong isama sya sa mga pelikulang gagawin ko, dahil naghihingalo na din yung pangarap kong yun. baka sumunod na nga rin sya kay tita shirley.

tita shirley, i hope you're happy where you are now. sobrang salamat talaga. i'm sorry that i didn't get to see you before you left.

manong, i hope you get well soon

we're really worried about you. i so badly hope you get out of danger soon.

he suffered a heart attack the other day and was in a coma yesterday. sabi nila 50-50pa rin daw ngayon. pagdasal natin na ma-save si manong.

i heart baguio!

and i've made a pact with myself (starting tonight) that i should go there every year.

next week (or the week after next), i will. most probably (sana walang kumontra). for work. excited ako! love the weather, love the pines, love the mornings and waking up to the scent of fresh mountain air. sana lang sa impending visit hindi ako saniban ng kung anong maligno (ayoko!) dahil magshushoot kami sa isang haunted place.

pagpunta namin don, sana sa project na to iba na ang job designation ko. pray pray! sana wag mabulilyaso!

happy na siguro ako sa ganitong buhay. happy-happy.

basta matupad lang ang pinramis sa kin. :-)

* * *

diplomat hotel. awoooo.

naaalala ko nung unang punta ko ng baguio. 8 years old ako non. my most vivid memory was the view outside our window when i woke up on our first morning in the city--fog was so thick, i could hardly see the trees outside.

and then there was session road. one afternoon nabasa kami ng mama ko sa ulan (it was june) and i experienced my first "shiver"--literally, nangangatog ako. we walked the streets and there was this sidewalk stand selling inihaw na mais with butter dripping all over it. we bought two. sarap.

my second visit there would be more than a decade later, in 2004. a real estate trip, a quickie thingie. mas mahaba pa yung binyahe namin kesa nilagi namin dun. but that was when i realized na andami palang guwapo sa baguio. haha.

later that year, bumalik ako. for work. we were going to shoot N@sa@n k@ m@n. we stayed there for weeks. we shot in the mountains, at night. my most vivid memory was me sneaking out of the set for a moment to go to minesview park (it was just a walk away) to buy pasalubong. we had just been given our paychecks by that time. i bought the usual--peanut brittle, ube halaya, choco mallows--but it was a happy moment. because at that time i felt that i was spending money that was hard-earned.

in 2005, i went to Baguio on a whim, with a bunch of friends, for a getaway weekend. fantastic! we stayed at the Igorot Lodge. coffee, talks, boating at burnham's man-made lake, traversing a really creepy deserted road in Camp John Hay at midnight, "partying" with the artsykewlies of Pine City in "ohmygulay". i loved it. lalo kong minahal sina mich, ted, and monj (sana kasama namin si maryrose!) because of this trip.

2006, i got the chance to go back for the Baguio Bold Movie. haha. huwaw. lotsa memories. shooting a blow job scene in the mountains. the chalet-type of house we stayed in (beautiful!). a cemetary at sunset in the outskirts of the city (see top photo!). i especially loved this visit. it was memorable in so many ways.

and then last year's trip. walking along a really dark street on a drizzly night. eating jollibee, one-day-old, and tuknene in one sumptuous dinner. going to minesview to sit and watch the stars with someone you love. aww.

hay. sana matuloy talaga ang susunod kong baguio trip.