inspiration

he's so beautiful.

ang daming beautiful sa industrya,  pero kakaiba sya. he smolders. he broods (effortlessly).he seduces (without contrivance). but there's a little boy vulnerability to him, as well.  and yes, mystery. and the way he looks at you with those soul-deep eyes.  #fan

he reminds me of keanu. the same aura. the same quiet mien. i never really noticed how magnetic he was. we've been working on this project since january, but i only got to take that second look, that lingering look, at him recently. maybe because there was a need. a need for inspiration.

week 5. and soon life is going to be verrry busy and verrry toxic, if i am to be karpintero for the rest of our scripting. at this point, yes, i need an inspiration. BADLY. DESPERATELY.

i write, and i see him in my head. to me he is not J. he is C, the character, the lead in this love story. i can fall in love with C, because he looks like J, and i feel like i know him, very well, and he embodies almost all that i ever look for in a guy (almost).

on day 3 now. need to finish this TODAY.  stress is no longer a side dish, but a main course ingested more than 3x a day. coffee has become my BFF. thank you lord, for C who looks like J. as of week 5, he is my muse, my inspiration. he loves her, the girl in our story, i feel like he can love me.

we get inspiration wherever, whenever it is available.

(happily married with a beautiful kid, but crushing on C/J doesn't make me love my hubby osobear any less. besides, he doesn't mind. he understands that at the end of the day, i end up coming home to his arms)

okay, may traces pa ng romance novel paperback writingstyle ang tono ko. back to romance novel paperback writing style again.

week 5. i wonder if i  will really have to tackle this til the end (as karpintero) on my own.

outside the nursery

lessons from outside the nursery:

* do not take everything at face value. everything --- including people's actions and reactions--- has a story behind it.  lahat may pinanggagalingan. laging may big picture. 

* the world is a great machine running 24/7, and we are all butt cogs and wheels.  try to be the best cog/wheel/screw that you can be. cause if the machine fucks up, you wouldn't want to be the cause.

*be careful who you trust. 

*be aware of factions, but be neutral. 

*keep your secrets, secrets. or if you must really let someone know, choose your confidantes wisely. 

*the world is a big ocean, and we're all trying to keep ourselves above water. people can and do help and support each other, but when push comes to shove, don't expect them to prioritize your ass over theirs.  which brings me to the next point...

*don't rely on anyone to protect and save your ass but yourself.  

*know the names on your "distrust" list. conversely, know your allies. 

*know the people to please. make them your allies. it doesn't matter how you feel about them. you don't have to be friends with them (though that would be ideal), just make sure they like you. in the context of what you all do. 

and another thing:

* do not understimate the power of the "like", a smile, or  a little verbal appreciation. they will come a long way.

*the best way to say "thank you" and "fuck you" is to do your best.

money money money

My goal: to save the most money, the soonest time possible.
To be free.  Financially.

So I'm going to work my ass now. And finish all the deliverables. Because every deliverable means money.

midlifer at 35?

25 years ago, my happy place was the bookstore. reading. smelling the crisp new pages of a book i'd wanted to buy.

15 years ago, my happy place was the shooting set. mounting. directing. making the imagined come to life.

now, my happy place is the kitchen. the supermarket (specifically, Landmark in Trinoma). Our neighborhood baking supplies store, All About Baking. I love creating something for my family. I love making food. Like walking into the bookstore, at 10 years old. Or directing a short film, at 25. It's almost the same high. Only somewhat different.  

kaya ako nakoconfuse ngayon.


for the most of my 30 plus years, i'd always felt so sure about the things i wanted. ngayon lang yata naging hati ang puso ko tungkol sa maraming bagay sa buhay ko.

god knows i'm grateful for all the blessings i've been given. but why does this feeling persist? dalawa, tatlong taon na. i may be in the right place. but am i in the right position? if so, why do i feel like i'm out of place in the bookstore? why do i feel like i wasn't born to do this?

walang bagay na madali. may mga bagay na mahirap, pero masaya kang gawin.  things are going well. but i'm the one who's feeling different. i've been feeling different for 2-3 years now.


gratitude. gratitude. gratitude.

may mga relasyon na hindi mo mabitawan, dahil sa utang na loob, dahil napupunan nya ang mga certain needs mo sa buhay.

akala ko dumaan na ko sa quarter life crisis. meron pa palang part2. o baka midlife na ito. sabagay, malamang hanggang 70 years old lang ang buhay ko.

lord, what am i meant to do? what's your plan for me?

deadlines at usapang kakikayan

gusto ko ng trabaho kung saan may time akong magpaganda. o kaya, yung bulto ng trabahong gagawin ko ay magpaganda.

parang ang tagal ko nang hindi nageeffort paganda. wala na kasi akong nakakadate on a weekly basis. pag may date ka, effort ka syempre. kaso yung dati kong ka-date, kasama ko na araw-araw. nakikita na nya ang worst of me--bagong gising me, puyat me, ngarag me, dehins-pa-ligo me.

pero syempre di yun dahilan para hindi magpaganda. ang totoong dahilan, wala akong time.

kaya gusto ko ng trabahong bibigyan ako ng chance magpaganda. from head to foot, the whole nine yards, from first base to homerun. namimiss ko yung ganon.

ni ayoko nang magselfie. o magpakuha ng picture. hindi ako natutuwa sa nakikita ko.

ilang oras na lang deadline na, at wala pa akong 10% ng script ko. tang...i....na.

may hello kitty cookies na 70 pieces akong dodrawingan ng mukha, 8am deadline bukas.  mas amdaling gawin yun kesa script.

prayer ko lang lord, sana po, hindi po ako malate nang sobra sa script. yung tipong tomorrow evening po ng 6pm lord. please. help me... please.

pagkatapos ng script na 'to, magpapaganda ako.