grin and bear it

better yet, forget that you exist for the next three weeks at least. easier that way.

it's a lonely planet at this stage. oo, kanya-kanyang purgatoryo lang yan. may trabaho kang kailangang gawin but no one's paying me to become a mom. and most probably it's gonna be a thankless job.

you'd foreseen this. you'd predicted how it would turn out. and still, you pushed through with it. nagpaligaw ka pa rin. bumigay ka pa rin.

kaya eto. bahala na ko sa buhay ko dahil wala ka namang magagawa, your hands are tied. i'm a selfish hormonal bitch, preoccupied by my own needs. and because i'm irrational, i don't say a thing to you. at least, not beyond my one-sentence monologues. i try to grin and bear it, because i have unreasonable needs and you need to be out there.

so grin and bear it, bitch, even if underneath you just want to kick and scream.

he wants a boy...

but secretly i'm wishing for a girl. so i guess it's up to the gods now.

* * *

my body's changing everyday. i'm happily looking forward to the day, but i'm only halfway through, and i've gained so much weight already. :-( dreading the next four months' worth of poundage that i've yet to gain.

hindi lang yung pounds, though it's the biggest villain in this sweet li'l fairy tale. i've heard of changes that only people in this stage go through. depigmentations. stretches. veins. bloatedness. gawd. the vain little bitch in me is crying foul. it's hard to be a mom when you're a vain little bitch like me. you go through days and days of frustrations. you're getting uglier by the day and you can't do anything about it.

yeah, yeah i'm sure you'll likely say "ang importante, healthy si baby". syempre, given na yun. pero can i rant about this state of helplessness pa rin? tsk. i wish i could just stop eating so much. i'm taking vitamins and milk so the RDA for baby is covered. i just wish i could stop feeding MY face and expanding MY ass and focus on taking care just what baby needs.

last january, a schoolmate of mine was 5 months on the way. now she's given birth to a baby girl. parang ambilis lang. so i guess tama ang isang acquaintance. mabilis lang ito. before i know, magiging malaki na ang pagbabago ng buhay ko. at hindi ko maikakaila...i'm scared. scared like crazy, dahil i'm totally clueless. and i don't know if i'm emotionally prepared for it. i'm trying to be financially prepared for it, though. i just don't know right now where to place a baby in the scheme of my life. i guess when it's there i'll find just the place for it. for him. or her.

despite my little whines, though, there are little joys, too. like feeling little pitik-like movements in my tummy. and looking forward to my first ultrasound, and knowing if it's gonna be a she or a he. i just pray na sana normal siya. with normal-sized, proportionate body parts, just the normal number of body parts, with perfectly functioning body parts. haha.

* * *

stayed up all night to finish work. now i'm done with the script, i can rest now. sorry baby, nagpuyat ako...ngayon lang naman, at promise buong araw matutulog tayo. ;-)

pet peeve night

ayoko sa mayabang, period. immaterial kung may ipagyayabang o wala. ka-turnoff lang.

there's something about going public that irks me

it makes me want to hibernate. so i'm gonna say bah-bye to this blog for now. i'd much rather be anonymous, really. thank you very much.

this point in my life is not the best time to slow down

dahil mahaba pa ang tatahakin ko, career-wise. marami pang bigas ang kakainin, so the cliche goes. marami pa kong kailangang aralin. and i'm not even halfway There.

so dapat at this point, all systems go pa rin ako. make or break. puyatan kung puyatan. arangkada kung arangkada.

kaso. ito. nararamdaman ko na. may nagi-impose ng sariling curfew sa katawan ko. pati psyche ko naaapektuhan. all of a sudden nararamdaman ko ang nararamdaman ng isang taong pagarahe na. pota, ayoko pa! it's a temporary state yes but even after this temporary state, things will never be f***ng the same. EVER.

and it fills me with fear as my worst, pessimist moments, perhaps more than it fills me with joy when i'm all sunshiney mahoney. parang i'm giving up something. yeah, yeah in exchange for a miracle. yeah yeah. don't get me wrong. i love it. but sometimes i'm torn between loving it and loving the life i'm about to leave behind.

so you think i'm emotionally unready? maybe, maybe not. you can always use THAT as an excuse. but nothing will really prepare you for it except when you're forced to actually face it.

so sulat na, b1tch. ano pang sinisintir sintir mo dito. ~whiplash! whiplash!~