ayokong maging nega...pero medyo nakakawindang ang sunud-sunod na changes sa buhay ko lately. they're happy changes, and i know i have so much to be thankful for. pero...yun nga. nawiwindang ako. dahil normally i can only absorb one major change at a time. now i'm thrown into this state, all of a sudden i'm a mother, wife, manugang, hipag, tita, babysitter, palamunin, exile all at the same time. i'm living in a new home, dealing with new folks, adjusting to a new living setup. longing for the familiar, longing for home, longing for a cigarette break in the middle of all this madness. the madness is all happening inside my head, taurian me who's ever-resistant to change, and since i can't smoke (yet, as i'm breastfeeding), i'm left to other coping mechanisms. like blogging. and crying out of the blue when no one's looking.
drama. may plausible excuse naman ako. post-partum depression ito. i officially declare it. walang kokontra. haha.
bukod pa sa pag-blog at pag-iyak may isa pa kong dapat i-add sa coping mechanisms ko: counting my blessings. pag nami-miss ko ang katahimikan ng bahay namin sa marikina, iisipin ko na lang na swerte ako bilang maraming pwedeng gumabay sa akin dito sa tamang pag-aalaga sa baby ko. pag naiilang/nahihiya ako sa mga bagong kasama, iisipin ko na lang na at least they welcomed me to this house, when it could've been the other way around for anyone in the same situation. pag nami-miss ko ang pamilya ko at ang mga pusa ko sa marikina, iisipin ko na lang na at least i now wake up every morning with my baby and my bosobear right beside me. pag nadedepress ako dahil parang gusto ko nang umuwi at bumalik na sa dati kong nakasanayan, iisipin ko na lang na lahat ng pagbabago ay may discomfort sa simula, pero makaka-adjust din ako...at kahit na alam ko namang i am free to change this current setup if i want to, iisipin ko na lang na i'm doing this for my baby and my husband, na gusto ko magkakasama kami, and if this is the best way for us to be together, i would rather make the sacrifice and endure the pains that go with change.
so yon. naglalabas lang ng neuroses. i wonder kung merong makakarelate sa sitwasyon ko ngayon. i'd really really love to talk with them right now.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
things i want to do now that i'm (almost) back to normal
1) get a hair rebond.
2) go on a weight loss plan.
3) have a beer. or two. or three!
4) have my first (electronic) cigarette.
5) wear my jeans and mini-tees again.
more items on the list to follow. yahoo!
2) go on a weight loss plan.
3) have a beer. or two. or three!
4) have my first (electronic) cigarette.
5) wear my jeans and mini-tees again.
more items on the list to follow. yahoo!
straight from this mother's womb
august 23, 2010, monday. just another day in the life of someone who's about to give birth for the first time.
530 am. naghahapit ng script dahil deadline na ang monday night. i'm still on script #2, 1 full script to go. hindi na dapat matulog pero hindi ko kakayaning hindi humimlay kahit for a few hours lang.
930 am. nagising. diretso nagbukas ng laptop to make up for sleeping time. before working i uttered a prayer: lord, help me get past this. i had lost hope and fire that i would ever get this draft 3 done right. the deadline was a wall and i would either climb over it or go around it. sabi ko sa diyos kayo na lang po bahala.
around 10 am. naihi. right where i was sitting. nagulat ako, because it's never happened to me before. apart from the discomfort, nakakahiya siya, kahit walang ibang nakakita. haha. little did i know na hindi na pala ihi yun.
soon enough, my balakang started aching. and there was something pink in my urine, which was what really alarmed me. i asked my mother kung ito na ba yon. syempre bago ako sumugod ng ospital kailangan kong masigurado na hindi ito false alarm, dahil sayang ang oras na pwede ko pang gamitin pagsusulat kung sakali. sabi ng nanay ko, pakiramdaman mo.
the aching would subside but would keep coming back. each time, with greater force. i called the doctor to ask if this was it. i got a yes. so i hastily dressed up and was on my way to the hospital.
bosobear and i had agreed that i was going to have an economical delivery at the chinese general hospital, kaya kahit malayo sya sa marikina i insisted on being taken there. it was a 1-hour trip, the longest trip i've ever had in my life. every five minutes the balakang contractions would come and they were excruciatingly painful. parang iniipit ang mga buto ng balakang ko, wala akong magawa kundi umiyak at umire. so cry and ire i did, pero hindi pa rin natatanggal ang sakit, i really couldn't do anything except scream and wail and
stress out my mother and the taxi driver who were the ones with me at that time.
sabi ko, "anak wag mo naman akong pahirapan," pero busy rin si baby sa loob at that time, preparing herself for being born, at siguro wala rin naman siyang magagawa. it was a necessary kind of pain. now i know they're not exaggerating when they call it "birth pains".
12nn. i was wheeled in at the hospital, screaming and crying. ang sungit nung nurse na nagtreat sa akin sa emergency room. sabi sa akin, "MOMMY! HINDI KAILANGANG SUMIGAW! HINDI YAN MAKAKATULONG!" haha. she felt me down there and uttered a curse under her breath. na-tense ako. sabi nya sa nanay ko, "MANGANGANAK NA PO SIYA. PERO PREMATURE KAYA GUSTO KONG MALAMAN NYO NA BAKA MA-INCUBATOR ANG BABY. P20,000 A DAY PO YON, OK LANG BA SA INYO?" ang sagot ng nanay ko (na natakot bigla sa gastusin) "AH, EH, HINTAYIN MUNA NATIN YUNG TATAY---"
to which she replied, "NAKU MA'AM THE LONGER WE WAIT MAS MAGIGING MATAGAL ANG PAGHIHIRAP NG ANAK NYO". on the way pa lang si bosobear non and i definitely did not want to suffer any longer so i butted in with a resounding "OK LANG SIGE NA OK LANG!"
i was put on a stretcher and wheeled in towards the deliver room, which was 3 floors up. sabi ng masungit na nurse, "pigilan mo ang baby mo, wag kang iire! pag nanganak ka sa elevator walang sasalo sa baby mo!" they made me cross my legs para pigilan ang involuntary na pag-ire ko. it was like having LBM and you're trying so hard to hold it in when it's just about to burst out of you.
1235pm. i was wheeled in at the delivery room. kasingsungit din ng nurse ang mga tao doon. pinagalitan pa ko nung isa, "MOMMY NEXT TIME WAG MO NANG HINTAYIN NA FULLY DILATED KA NA BAGO KA SUMUGOD SA OSPITAL HA." sabi ko, please, bigyan nyo ko ng something for the pain. someone stuck a needle in my hand and somehow everything felt lighter. amidst all this the nurses around me started asking me questions like "kelan ang huling menstruation mo?" and "ilang taon ka na?" and the like. it all seemed trivial and funny to me at that time, them expecting me to answer considering that i was in terrible pain, and it seemed that the doctor who would make the delivery was taking forever to arrive.
finally she did, and everything from then on was surreal. i was sensing everything through a haze of pain. finally it was really time para umire, and ire i did, until the baby was out. finally i looked down and i saw this wet little living person being held out to me, and for a moment i became lucid---oh my god, this is it, this is her. all the pain was worth that moment, seeing my baby for the first time.
she was born at 12:44 pm, approximately 6 lbs. not a very big baby but not very small either. everything was a miracle. kahit kulang sa buwan, she needed no incubation, and it was a swift, normal delivery. i was in the hospital for three days, recovering from having been stitched up. now i'm taking a crash course on Baby Care 101. learning by the day, but that adventure merits a separate entry. :-)
life as i know it is over. a new kind of life awaits, this time with a few happy additionals, at kahit na may malaking takot sa loob ko about having to face these changes, gusto kong maging optimistic. and believe that the dust will settle down fast and i'll eventually get used to things. our little girl will grow up well, i'll be able to balance work and home life, everybody will be happy, and yes, everything will be alright. with god's help.
just an afterthought. feeling ko hindi pa talaga meant na lumabas ang baby ko that day. pero nagbago isip ni god. parang sinagot niya ang panalangin ko. he made me go around the wall instead of climb over it.
thank you lord. for everything. with you as my guide, i know there's nothing to fear, nothing to worry about. :-)
530 am. naghahapit ng script dahil deadline na ang monday night. i'm still on script #2, 1 full script to go. hindi na dapat matulog pero hindi ko kakayaning hindi humimlay kahit for a few hours lang.
930 am. nagising. diretso nagbukas ng laptop to make up for sleeping time. before working i uttered a prayer: lord, help me get past this. i had lost hope and fire that i would ever get this draft 3 done right. the deadline was a wall and i would either climb over it or go around it. sabi ko sa diyos kayo na lang po bahala.
around 10 am. naihi. right where i was sitting. nagulat ako, because it's never happened to me before. apart from the discomfort, nakakahiya siya, kahit walang ibang nakakita. haha. little did i know na hindi na pala ihi yun.
soon enough, my balakang started aching. and there was something pink in my urine, which was what really alarmed me. i asked my mother kung ito na ba yon. syempre bago ako sumugod ng ospital kailangan kong masigurado na hindi ito false alarm, dahil sayang ang oras na pwede ko pang gamitin pagsusulat kung sakali. sabi ng nanay ko, pakiramdaman mo.
the aching would subside but would keep coming back. each time, with greater force. i called the doctor to ask if this was it. i got a yes. so i hastily dressed up and was on my way to the hospital.
bosobear and i had agreed that i was going to have an economical delivery at the chinese general hospital, kaya kahit malayo sya sa marikina i insisted on being taken there. it was a 1-hour trip, the longest trip i've ever had in my life. every five minutes the balakang contractions would come and they were excruciatingly painful. parang iniipit ang mga buto ng balakang ko, wala akong magawa kundi umiyak at umire. so cry and ire i did, pero hindi pa rin natatanggal ang sakit, i really couldn't do anything except scream and wail and
stress out my mother and the taxi driver who were the ones with me at that time.
sabi ko, "anak wag mo naman akong pahirapan," pero busy rin si baby sa loob at that time, preparing herself for being born, at siguro wala rin naman siyang magagawa. it was a necessary kind of pain. now i know they're not exaggerating when they call it "birth pains".
12nn. i was wheeled in at the hospital, screaming and crying. ang sungit nung nurse na nagtreat sa akin sa emergency room. sabi sa akin, "MOMMY! HINDI KAILANGANG SUMIGAW! HINDI YAN MAKAKATULONG!" haha. she felt me down there and uttered a curse under her breath. na-tense ako. sabi nya sa nanay ko, "MANGANGANAK NA PO SIYA. PERO PREMATURE KAYA GUSTO KONG MALAMAN NYO NA BAKA MA-INCUBATOR ANG BABY. P20,000 A DAY PO YON, OK LANG BA SA INYO?" ang sagot ng nanay ko (na natakot bigla sa gastusin) "AH, EH, HINTAYIN MUNA NATIN YUNG TATAY---"
to which she replied, "NAKU MA'AM THE LONGER WE WAIT MAS MAGIGING MATAGAL ANG PAGHIHIRAP NG ANAK NYO". on the way pa lang si bosobear non and i definitely did not want to suffer any longer so i butted in with a resounding "OK LANG SIGE NA OK LANG!"
i was put on a stretcher and wheeled in towards the deliver room, which was 3 floors up. sabi ng masungit na nurse, "pigilan mo ang baby mo, wag kang iire! pag nanganak ka sa elevator walang sasalo sa baby mo!" they made me cross my legs para pigilan ang involuntary na pag-ire ko. it was like having LBM and you're trying so hard to hold it in when it's just about to burst out of you.
1235pm. i was wheeled in at the delivery room. kasingsungit din ng nurse ang mga tao doon. pinagalitan pa ko nung isa, "MOMMY NEXT TIME WAG MO NANG HINTAYIN NA FULLY DILATED KA NA BAGO KA SUMUGOD SA OSPITAL HA." sabi ko, please, bigyan nyo ko ng something for the pain. someone stuck a needle in my hand and somehow everything felt lighter. amidst all this the nurses around me started asking me questions like "kelan ang huling menstruation mo?" and "ilang taon ka na?" and the like. it all seemed trivial and funny to me at that time, them expecting me to answer considering that i was in terrible pain, and it seemed that the doctor who would make the delivery was taking forever to arrive.
finally she did, and everything from then on was surreal. i was sensing everything through a haze of pain. finally it was really time para umire, and ire i did, until the baby was out. finally i looked down and i saw this wet little living person being held out to me, and for a moment i became lucid---oh my god, this is it, this is her. all the pain was worth that moment, seeing my baby for the first time.
she was born at 12:44 pm, approximately 6 lbs. not a very big baby but not very small either. everything was a miracle. kahit kulang sa buwan, she needed no incubation, and it was a swift, normal delivery. i was in the hospital for three days, recovering from having been stitched up. now i'm taking a crash course on Baby Care 101. learning by the day, but that adventure merits a separate entry. :-)
life as i know it is over. a new kind of life awaits, this time with a few happy additionals, at kahit na may malaking takot sa loob ko about having to face these changes, gusto kong maging optimistic. and believe that the dust will settle down fast and i'll eventually get used to things. our little girl will grow up well, i'll be able to balance work and home life, everybody will be happy, and yes, everything will be alright. with god's help.
just an afterthought. feeling ko hindi pa talaga meant na lumabas ang baby ko that day. pero nagbago isip ni god. parang sinagot niya ang panalangin ko. he made me go around the wall instead of climb over it.
thank you lord. for everything. with you as my guide, i know there's nothing to fear, nothing to worry about. :-)
Monday, August 23, 2010
no more
gusto ko na lang tapusin to. at mag-leave. wala na ko pakialam. i've been robbed of my cigarettes to cope with this situation.
may writer ba na nagbigti/naglaslas para may excuse na hindi ma-meet ang deadline?
grabe na ito. i really don't care what would happen anymore. i feel no sense of kinship for the stuff i'm doing right now. tinitira ko na lang. bahala na.
diyos ko, bigyan nyo po ako ng konting pag-asa. konting oras pa. konting lakas pa.
may writer ba na nagbigti/naglaslas para may excuse na hindi ma-meet ang deadline?
grabe na ito. i really don't care what would happen anymore. i feel no sense of kinship for the stuff i'm doing right now. tinitira ko na lang. bahala na.
diyos ko, bigyan nyo po ako ng konting pag-asa. konting oras pa. konting lakas pa.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
diyos ko...
...gusto ko na lang pong tapusin ito.
wala nang passion, wala nang amor, sa ngayon...pahinga lang ang katapat siguro at ilang araw na day off.
isa na ang na-email ko, sobrang delayed pa...three scripts to go...yes, i suck big time. pero dumating na ako sa puntang wa na ko keber. if i'm wasting a perfectly good opportunity.
ang alam ko, i want to rest. because my legs feel heavy, the baby feels heavy, and i'm always sleepy. ang alam ko, i want to spend a worry-free day with my bosobear, hugging him til we fall asleep while we're watching those dvds at home.
i long for a worry-free, work-free day with you. my husband. my love. the one who would make me coffee in the wee hours of the night. the one who would give me everything i need, when all i really need is him. i love you so much, i just want to hug you forever.
keso alert. that's what stress does to you. i can't smoke, so i take it out on the ones i love.
lord, tulungan nyo po ako...
wala nang passion, wala nang amor, sa ngayon...pahinga lang ang katapat siguro at ilang araw na day off.
isa na ang na-email ko, sobrang delayed pa...three scripts to go...yes, i suck big time. pero dumating na ako sa puntang wa na ko keber. if i'm wasting a perfectly good opportunity.
ang alam ko, i want to rest. because my legs feel heavy, the baby feels heavy, and i'm always sleepy. ang alam ko, i want to spend a worry-free day with my bosobear, hugging him til we fall asleep while we're watching those dvds at home.
i long for a worry-free, work-free day with you. my husband. my love. the one who would make me coffee in the wee hours of the night. the one who would give me everything i need, when all i really need is him. i love you so much, i just want to hug you forever.
keso alert. that's what stress does to you. i can't smoke, so i take it out on the ones i love.
lord, tulungan nyo po ako...
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