angst-spewing is actually healthy (especially during christmas)

post-christmas blues.
argh.

i saw ces@r mont@no's movie "l1gal1g" tonight with waterfowl. an annoying hollywood movie ripoff. i shouldn't have believed a certain someone's rants-and-raves about this film. that was somekinduva stupid blind leap of faith on my part, not to mention a few hundred bucks down the drain. and yes, annoyance. at myself. for having believed.

yan kasi ang problema sa yo. madali kang naniniwala.
despite your penchant for overanalyzing, you are still, in deep, a naive dope.

well. in fairness maganda ang pagkailaw sa pelikula. maganda ang editing. bow ako sa technical polish ng film, although madalas nagiging uber-glossy to the point of pretentiousness. masyadong nagpapaka-film noir, right down to the textbook elements of the genre (the smoke, the low-key lighting, the dingy rooms, the crimes and the cops, the classic femme fatale, etc). dun pa lang, nakakainis na. kasi gaya-gaya, at parang naligaw sa maling kultura ang mga gumawa ng pelikula.

pero forgivable pa yon. kasi maganda namang tingnan. ano na nga lang ba ang orihinal sa mundong ito. ibigay na natin ang credit sa kagalingang mag-ripoff ng classic Film Noir look, Hollywood Style. aba, talent din yon. siguro tumaas lang talaga nang todo ang expectations ko. dahil sabi ng idol kong si Direk, "one of the best films of 2006" daw ang pelikulang ito, and that the best director award this year should go to Ces@r. pero hindi ko talaga mapatawad ang supposedly shocking twist sa storya. 1/2 into the movie hindi ko na inentertain yung possibility na baka ganon nga ang twist kasi it was the most obvious, the most predictable, and the most ludicrous. ehe. medyo na-overestimate ko yata ang sensibilities ng mga gumawa.

ang sama ko ano. mahirap gumawa ng pelikula, logistically. mahirap mag-mount ng isang produksyon. pero kung gagawa ka na rin lang ng pelikulang mahirap i-mount, sana naman may laman. sana naman kahit papano paglabas ng tao sa sinehan, meron silang dadalhing thought-provoking insight na ibinahagi ng pelikula mo. i came into the theater expecting my life to be changed. haha. exaggeration, pero some brilliant films can do that to you. maiiba ang thinking mo, magkakaroon ka ng bagong punto-de-bista sa mundong ginagalawan mo. well, i expected the wrong things. entertainment at audiovisual style lang pala ang maio-offer ng "l1gal1g" ni ces@r mont@no. pero on second thought, hindi rin ako masyadong naaliw. nainis pa ko.

hay.
what a sad world.
pati pelikula, napapagdiskitahan ko.
kasi naman. sana hindi na lang ako naniwala.

kay Direk.

sa yo.

lagi na lang akong naniniwala. what is wrong with me.
naiinis ako sa ending ng KKK. kasi naging tanga ang babae sa huli.
ayokong maging tanga na naman. lagi na lang akong natatanga pag nagsimula na kong maniwala.

words are cheap. and people like you would say what you think i'd want to hear.

because words won't answer my questions. and for as long as they're not confronted, they will always be at the back of my mind. at dahil hindi ko magagawang itanong nang diretso, kailangan kong mag-supply ng sarili kong mga sagot.

it's frustrating.
annoying. distracting. exasperating.
cause i don't like my answers to my own questions.
i am hounded by ugly thoughts. i go on gabriela mode. i want to curse your kind til kingdom come, irrational a reaction as that might be.

hay. ayoko ng feeling na ganito.
destabilized. depokado.
mas gugustuhin ko pa yatang wala nang paniwalaan at wala nang maramdaman.
or maybe i need a diluter.
someone, anyone, to save me from myself.

kainis. merry christmas.

because life is like a j0ey r3yes movie

2 days before christmas.

still have a bunch of other stuff to tell, little movie-ish incidents from the past several days that i just have to write outta me, but two events that happened last night are simply begging to be told...as far as my current state-of-mind is concerned.

masaya kasi ko ngayon. so here goes.

first event, i was at the movie premiere of the new Judy Ann-Ryan Agoncillo movie last night, that MMFF domesticomedy directed by J0ey R3yes. in fairness, maganda sya. funny, witty, insightful, never a dull moment. trademark J0ey Reyes. pero may comment lang ako sa ending.

(oops, slight spoilers ahead!)

in the movie, wife is 9 months pregnant and she catches her husband redhanded with another woman. she separates with him, he goes after her--not to apologize, but to point out to her kung bakit "tumikim sya ng ibang ulam". the incident ends with the girl giving birth. at the hospital bed, after delivery, after a heartfelt "sorry" from hubby dearie (and a "crying daddy" moment with the newborn baby), wifey--purportedly a headstrong woman, as the movie has built her up to be--finds her resolve crumbling. she falls into a kiss with hubby. the end.

as a viewer, it didn't bother me at all. na-carry naman ng pelikula yung ending na ganon. pero as a person, siguro kung ako si jud@i, hindi pa matatapos ang pelikula don. hello? nahuli mo yung lalake na pinipindeho ka habang buntis ka? tapos konting sorry, konting iyak, may-i-melt-in-his-arms ka na agad?

ehe. para naman kasing ganon kadaling ibalik ang nawala di ba. tiwala ang nawala, at kung ikaw ang tipong hirap na hirap magtiwala at finally eh napaniwala na, only to end up duped in the end, ang hirap naman yata ng ganong resolution sa kwento. masyadong madali para sa lalake.

pero ako lang yon. like i said, na-carry naman ng pelikula ang semi-instant reconciliation. kasi pwede akong maniwala na mahal na mahal talaga ni jud@i si ry@n kaya isang simpleng sincere "sorry" lang ang kailangan para mabalik agad ang tiwala. siguro nga, kung mahal mo ang isang tao, hindi na kakailanganin ng isang climactic chase-me-all-over-the-metropolis sequence para lang mapatunayan nya sa yo na mahal ka talaga nya at taos-puso ang kanyang pagsisisi. simpleng "sorry" at konting luha lang, pwede na sa yo. mahal mo e.

kaya nakakatakot magmahal e. kasi nagiging tanga ka. haha!

naisip ko tuloy, pano kaya kung si Direk yon? pano kung naging kami (shet, iniisip ko pa lang kinikilig na ko hahaha), and then one day i catch him red-handed with another man? shet, heartbreak! hindi ko yata kakayanin. baka magbigti ako sa puno ng kamatis. o di kaya eh bumalik na naman sa favorite kong pseudo-goth chick getup at mag-spew na naman ng angst dito. ang hirap mag-invest ng emosyon sa isang taong alam mong pwede kang paasahin at biguin kaya dito na lang ako sa safe (read: bading! safe kainlaban! kasi alam mong hanggang don na lang at hindi ka na magkakaroon ng greater expectations!). kaya buti na lang talaga bading si direk. in a way, blessing yon sa kin. haha.

come to think of it, though, kung bumaliktad naman ang mundo at maging straight sya i know i wouldn't have been his type. my lot in life. the ones i love wouldn't go for the likes of me. eh ganon e. manonood na lang ako ng mga kiligcomedies tulad ng "K@s@l, K@sal1, K@salo" to get my kilig fix.

speaking of kilig, a personally momentous event happened last night at work. for the first time i got to speak with the Direk on the mobile phone. haha. hindi yon ang talagang momentous moment pero dun nag-ugat. kasi i'd been keeping his number on my directory for the longest time but i couldn't find the appropriate excuse to get in touch with him. and then, the opportune time came along. to ask something about work. something urgent and important.

during the talk, while fiddling with his laptop to check a script file he'd sent for voiceover dubbing, he casually tossed me a question. out of the blue.

"eh kamusta naman ang love life mo? kwentuhan mo ko."

shet!

he'd probably read the fwendster bulletins i'd posted lately (bile-bitter angst in little doses) and had been perceptive enough to piece together the story (ehe! may story?!). still i was caught offguard by the question. i thought i'd heard wrong. kasi hindi naman kami close, at stalwart nga sya di ba, ba't naman sya mag-aaksaya ng panahon magbasa ng mga pesteng bulletin board surveys ng mga pathetic souls-in-need-of-catharsis na tulad ko, at kung madaananan man ng mata nya ang mga sagot ko don, sino ba naman ako para maalala pa nya kung anong ka-cheapang angst ang binubuga ko sa mga ka-cheapang Q&A na tulad ng mga yon?!

haha! kilometric rationalization. overwhelmed kasi ako.

parang nung time na sinabi nyang lagi nyang binabasa ang fwendster profile ko. caught offguard din. nanlaki ang mata, hindi makapaniwala. ikaw, nagbabasa ng profile ko? kilig na nakakainis, kasi, yun nga, sana hindi na lang sya nagbibitiw ng mga memorable oneliners na ganon.

kasi, yun nga, we know the story.

pero kilig pa rin. kahit logic tells me na wala namang ibig sabihin yon. eh ganon e.

see? kaya ayokong ma-in love e. crush pa nga lang, natatanga na ko.

christmas low

it's been days. i missed writing here.
andami kong gustong ikwento, from the happenings of saturday night to the happenings of last night, pero sisimulan ko na lang sa nararamdaman ko ngayon.

i badly need a cigarette. a break. someone to save me.

a christmas jump-upper. a beautiful happy gift. an insulin shot. a text message from someone i miss so damn much. but let's not even go there.

naiinis lang ako dahil pasko na pero hindi ko pa rin maramdaman. hindi naman ako ganito dati. naiinis din ako dahil hindi na healthy ang growing annoyance ko over an indie (indiehan) film project that i've committed myself to work for. naiinis ako dahil may nami-miss akong mga tao na hindi na dapat nami-miss, at for the first time in a long time hindi ko alam kung ano talaga ang gusto ko. naiinis ako dahil madali akong masaktan at lately ay nagiging madali na naman sa kin ang manakit. o ang maging insensitive at walang pakialam.

naiinis din ako dahil umiigsi na naman ang pasensya ko. dahil nagiging bitter-bile-beeyatch na naman ang moda ko ngayon, for reasons that i myself haven't figured out yet.

hay.

i badly need a cigarette. a big warm hug. a crying session with myself.

and then maybe i'll be ok again.

monique

matagal ko nang gustong gawin to, on the day that i met her.

i met her on the set of a tv show we were shooting out of town. i fell in love with her at first sight. all day i was literally begging her ward to give her to me, to the point that i was offering money. haha!

in the end, we struck a bargain. her, in exchange for future job "rackets" for him. fair enough...hope i could find the chance to fulfill my end of that bargain!

so ngayon, happily together kami ni monique. i named her "monique" because if i were to be born again i'd want that to be my name. hehe. ganon ko kamahal si monique, parang alter ego ang tingin ko sa kanya. ;-)

ref="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/5205/370/1600/939330/P1070731.jpg"> beautiful, elegant, enigmatic, elusive, witch-like. ganda! she's seven months old, uber-behaved, loves the dark, eats little, stays indoors, meows only when she's hungry. of course everyone in our house (especially my superstitious mom!) is a little afraid of her, but my brother and i totally adore her. i think i've found my ideal cat!

too bad for our other kitty in the house, who was my baby before monique came into the picture. her name's aleli (pinangalanan ko sya after a character in one of the Direk's award-winning opuses!) and she's lovable enough. pero masama ako, kasi matagal na kong naghahanap ng ideal cat ko, at marami nang dumaang pusa sa buhay ko pero iilan lang ang tumatak (para bang lalake ito? fortunately--or unfortunately--wala pa namang masyadong maraming lalake ang nagdaan sa buhay ko, pero marami na rin namang tumatak. hehe). i love cats in general but i fawn on a few truly beautiful ones. and aleli, for a while, was quite loved. simply because she was the only cat to love within the premises. until my ideal cat came along. alam ko ang sama pero aleli was inadvertently relegated to the background.

ampangit no. buti na lang si aleli, hindi tao. wala syang understanding ng favoritism, o ng mga kasong magiging special ka sa isang tao dahil ikaw lang ang nandyan. being loved out of convenience. you are not his/her ideal, but since you're the only one there, the person figures that you will do. for the meantime. until the Ideal One comes along.

ouch! sakit non di ba.
hmm. baka naman ina-underestimate ko lang ang mentality ng mga pusa. baka naman alam ni aleli ang dynamics ng sitwasyon, pero ang totoo, wala syang pakialam. isa yon sa mga gusto ko sa mga pusa. they don't give a shit whether you like them or not!

indie

second week of december. nasa holiday mood na ang karamihan. Ang gusto ko lang, magpahinga. isa o dalawang linggo na walang trabaho, walang iniintindi. Hindi ako nagmumulti-tasking these past few days pero haggard pa rin. nagpi-prepare kasi kami para sa isang "indie" film na magsisimulang mag-shoot right smack in the middle of the Christmas season. Haha. Kumusta naman yon? Good luck, di ba?

less than isang linggo na lang ang (supposedly) natitira pero hanggang ngayon, hindi pa solid ang script, hindi pa kumpleto ang casting, at kung anu-ano pang aberya na pampasakit ulo talaga. Mas advisable sana kung imu-move na lang ang shoot after the holidays. Pero ayaw pumayag ng producer/direk, kasi baka daw mag-backout na yung investor na ready nang mag-shell out ng pera for next week. Kung akong tatanungin, given the state of things, kung investor lang ang problema, kebs na sa investor. Kesa naman mag-shoot ka ng first feature film mo na bara-bara at ill-prepared kayong lahat. May investor ka nga, in danger naman ang kalidad ng pelikula mo. At in danger din ang pera nya. Hindi lang naman iisa ang investor sa mundo. kung polished at maganda talaga ang materyal, at desidido kang ilako ito sa mga koneksyones mo, surely makakahanap at makakahanap ka ng iba.

Kesa naman ganito. Kakainis.

kasama sa trabaho ko ang gumawa ng shooting schedule namin. First time kong gumawa ng shooting sked for a feature-length, at masakit pala sa ulo. Six days, 70-plus scenes, with an average of 13 scenes a day. With a first-time director, and most scenes happening during the day. Ang normal number of shooting days ng isang feature-length film ay 20-29 days. kami anim. dinaig pa ang pitu-pito ni M0ther L1ly, shet! pero understandable lang yon, kasi “indie” film ito, alam naman nating given na ang shooting schedule na masikip. Kaso biglang nagkaroon ng "artista" considerations. Gusto nilang kumuha ng mga artistang may pangalan, kasi daw pag may pangalan mas madaling i-market. Ah, okay. Kahit naturingang "indie" ang pelikulang ito, may “marketing” factor din palang kasali. Umaabot na sa puntong para makuha lang ang may-pangalang artista, kelangan naming i-adjust ang buong schedule para matapat sa availability nya, na syang isa sa mga kinakaiinis ko. Hindi lang dahil mahirap mag-construct at magbaklas at mag-construct uli ng shooting schedule, kundi dahil sa whole idea na ginagawa namin ang lahat ng ito para lang sa artista. kung mainstream, maiintindihan ko.

pero "indie" 'to, di ba?

pero hindi pala ito yung “indie” na nakasanayan ko. Ang “indie” na alam ko, yung pelikulang ginagawa hindi para pagkakitaan. Ang “indie” film na alam ko, yung mga tipo ng pelikulang hindi gagawin ng mainstream dahil producers don’t think the material is “marketable”.

yun ang alam kong “indie”. aesthetics-driven. gagawa ka ng pelikula, kasi meron kang gustong sabihin, o ipakita, at gusto mong malayang magawa ito without having to deal with creative compromises and marketing considerations na dini-dictate ng mainstream industry. gagawa ka ng pelikula, because there are stories that are simply begging to be told, stories which may not have big stars or other elements that the mainstream bigwigs will deem “marketable” to moviegoing audiences, but are substantial stories nonetheless. substantial stories that can potentially become beautiful films.

pero yun nga, reality bites. dahil "in" ngayon ang indie, nagsasanga-sanga na ang little sector na kilala natin bilang “indie". Although literally ang ibig talagang sabihin ng indie eh yung independently produced films outside of big movie outfits, may mga “indie” filmmakers rin pala na parang mainstream mag-isip. ang difference lang nila sa St@r Cinema, Reg@l, at Viv@, eh mas konti ang pera nila. mas maliliit ang grupo nila, mas maigsi ang mga galamay nila, mas konti ang tao, pero ang end goal, basically ganon din. ang kumita.

nalungkot ako sa nadiskubre ko. kasi isa sa mga rason kung bakit ako pumapayag magpaalipin kapalit ng kakarampot na pera tuwing may project na ganito ay dahil naniniwala ako sa spirit ng “indie” as I know it. dahil overwhelmed at inspired ako sa success ng Maximo Oliveros, Kubrador, at Donsol. Dahil naniniwala akong importanteng makagawa ng mga pelikulang maaring hindi bumenta sa takilya o pagkakitaan ng mga gumawa, pero may kabuluhan. pero hindi pala lahat ng “indie” eh ganon ang intensyon. kaya lang sila sumusukob sa label na "indie" eh dahil hindi sila maka-infiltrate sa mainstream for some reason. yun ang talagang nakakalungkot. kasi, in a way, they give “indie” a bad name.

wala naman akong problemang personal sa mga katrabaho ko. wala kong masabi sa kabaitan nila, at natutuwa din ako sa tiwala at confidence na binibigay nila sa kin. kaso, bukod pa sa marketing considerations nila, magulo din ang proseso nila. pagdating sa proseso at sistema, dun naman ako bow sa mainstream. mas efficient dahil matagal na nilang ginagawa, mas sanay na. actually forgivable pa ang inefficiency basta ba noble ang intentions. kaso yun nga. hindi ko din masakyan, kahit creative sensibilities ng direktor. masyadong makamundo. parang hindi sila pareho ng vision ng writer. ewan ko! hindi creative ang nature ng trabaho ko pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasan madismaya sa nagiging direksyon ng kwento. naiinis ako, dahil sayang. pwede syang lumalim. pwede syang maging makabuluhan, kahit papano, kahit na ang main objective ng ilan sa team eh ang pagkakitaan sya.

sa ngayon pina-hold pa ng direktor ang pagrevise ko ng shooting sked hanggang ma-lock na nila ang negotiations with a premyadong character actor. hindi pa rin sure kung matutuloy nga kami sa first shooting day next week. ang sama ko, pero wish ko sana hindi matuloy (at malakas ang pakiramdam kong hindi nga matutuloy). para may enough time pa ang lahat to prepare. at personally, para magkaron rin ako ng breather, para maibalik ko ang mindset ko to positive mode. at makapanood ng Dream Nyt sa Araneta.

oh well. at least everyone's trying their best. nami-miss ko ang mga line producer kong sobrang alam ang ginagawa nila, nami-miss ko ang mga writers na naglalagay ng tamang header (i.e. EXT. BAHAY NI KUYA. NIGHT) sa mga eksena nila (believe me, ngayon lang ako naka-encounter ng script na parang prose ang pagkakasulat! argh!). on the bright side, though, para sa kin training na rin 'to. yun ang pinakamatinding rason, perhaps. What Not To Do When My Turn Comes.

mga feelings na nega, hindi healthy. hindi magiging progresibo, especially when the shoots start. hope i get over this soon. manonood na lang muna ko ng Dream Night sa Araneta. sana nga ma-move ang shoot. kahit after christmas.

here and now (from one to ten)

top 10 things on my mind right now:
1. i have to finish reading that new script tonight. and do a quick Microsoft Excel self-study before i go to bed.
2. the cinemalaya 2nd orientation tomorrow. ah, fresh air. haven't read the script (argh, irresponsible) but i don't think i can squeeze that in the agenda for tonight.
3. people wanting to mix work with play. it's annoying. because it's the last thing anyone in the team would need right now.
4. the new filmproject is grinding next week. as far as my job is concerned, everything else takes a backseat.
5. my new job designation. it's daunting in the sense that it's going to be my first time. six days for a full-length. punyeta! :-D no choice but to hack it. kaya yan.
6. my new cat, monique. just set up a cat-litterbox and made her a collar-with-a-bell. pa-tweetums masyado yung nagawa ko but she looks a lot less of a witch-cat with the frilly thing hanging around her neck. haha. will write about her later.
7. it's going to be the Associate Direk's directorial debut, and in a way it's also going to be a benchmark project for me. i hope he'd focus on the work, because this would mean everything to us for the next two weeks. i really hope so.
8. nakakainis pa rin. tulad kagabi. well. i know what oprah did say, and i'm taking things at face value again this time. too bad cause tonight i needed someone to save me with a sign, like what happened months ago while i was in vietnam. sorry na lang.
9. i hope the script supervisor turns out to be an asset to the team.
10. pink film festival. please watch our short film. gateway mall, december 12, 6pm. :-)


hay. sana mawala na ang inis ko. kailangan kong mag-focus. sana maging matibay ako. sana ma-handle ko nang maayos ang mga bagay-bagay na maaring maka-derail sa akin o sa trabaho. walang emosyong involved. walang personals. trabaho lang.

groucho night

exhausted. sleepy. back aching. longing for a cigarette.
pissed at yahoo mail attachments for being dang slow. pissed at so many other things.

arghhh. kakainis!

there are better things to talk about here. like cats and men and why i'd rather give my heart to the former. or the amazing, grueling 24-hour-labor that was the
shoot last wednesday. the ocular today in the boondocks of pililla and montalban,
and my newest addition to my fluffilacious crush list ("the name's craig...daniel craig."--H-O-T!

but i'm not in the right mood to talk about these things now. wala lang. siguro nga pagod at antok lang to. itutulog lang, ipapahinga lang, lilipas na.

basta. nakakainis pa rin.

ahlavet like this

free time to myself. for a week and a few days more.

go to bed late, wake up late, sip on 3-in-1 coffee while staring into space, surf the net, watch movies, go out with friends, cruise along with each day.

a week and a few days more. any longer than that, i'll start getting fidgety again. because i want the whirlwind to be my life, every now and then. idleness is the devil's playground. except at times when you're up to something inside your head. something that will matter to you much more than being out there in the whirlwind, fueled by other people's passions, working for money.

that was my plan for december. to concentrate on something for the dream. if luck would have it, maybe i'll have the time. maybe the lord will find time for me.

* * *

been seeing a friend, @dolf alix, jr., in a production house in makati. @dolf used to be a co-writer for kew-pids the kilig show, but he was much more than that way before he actually joined the writing team. my first awareness of him was when i picked up a newspaper and read an article about him and some writing award he'd won. truly one of those writing heroes for me, almost like a--ya guessed it--stalwart.

and now this dude is a full-fledged feature film director with his award-winning film, d0ns0l. a beautifully-photographed arthouse film with a simple, heart-tugging story, it's currently in theaters right now (i hope you guys catch this film before the slew of mmff movies take over the tills! argh). strange, but ad0lf actually reminds me of the Direk in a lot of ways--they're both boy-wonder writers, they move the same, walk the same, even direct scenes the same. haha. this much i told @d0lf. to his amusement.

"pano mo sya nakilala personally?" i asked him, feigning, well, innocence. of course i was very interested in what was going to be the answer. anything about the Direk will (quite unsurprisingly) interest me. naloka ako sa sagot. he said that he had met the Direk on the awards night of a famous scriptwriting tilt. 2nd prize daw si Direk.

"punyeta, ibig sabihin ikaw ang first prize?!" i asked him ludicrously. haha. hindi naman ganon ka-ludicrous yung possibility, magaling naman talaga ang kaibigan kong to, but you know how the stalwart-struck, romanticizing mind can make heroes out of ordinary people--up until that moment, no one could possibly outdo the Direk when it comes to his craft. as far as this silly crazed-out fan is concerned.

hehe. somehow that little piece of trivia brings him a little closer to ground level, in my eyes.

bagyong reming is on a roll. except when they start hurting people and property, i actually love rainy days. so let the winds begin. (pero syempre, not to the point of destruction!)