this is my lucky day!

sabi sa horoscope, today is my 'luckiest day of the year'.
ano ba nangyari today so far.

1. gumising, uminom ng kape
2. nag-revise nang konting-konti ng oneliner for script draft 3
3. nag-lunch kasama si boso oso
4. chumika over 1 stick of yosi with boso oso
5. umuwi ng maga-alas singko via cab
6. nagyosi uli ng isang stick pagdating sa bahay
7. nagkape
8. eto, nagba-blog.

well. hindi pa naman tapos ang araw. hehe.
may six hours pa bago dumating ang maraming magagandang news sa life. maraming magagandang opportunities.

ang challenge is pano magsimulang magtrabaho tonight gayong antok na antok ako. pero may deadline bukas ng alas-12 ng tanghali (daw), at mukhang magku-Kuya Germs mode na naman ako tonight.

alang tulugan, kasi, no choice. nagbulakbol ako all day today, kaya no choice.

* * *

funny tidbit.
nang hinatid ako sa taxi terminal ni oso, sabi sa kin ng drayber ng nasakyan ko: "boyfriend mo ba yun iha? ang guwapo ha, magaling kang pumili." ngyarks!
kung hindi lang sya medyo may-edad nang tatay-type, iisipin kong bading sya. haha.

what ifs

ang buhay ay puno ng what ifs. walang storya kung walang what ifs.
kaya minsan, mapapaisip ka. what if--?

what if mali ka?
what if the unflattering truth you've come to believe for the longest time turns out to be false, after all?
what if nung mga panahong akala mo eh ganito, hindi naman pala?
what if naging totoo pala noon ang wish mo, pero hindi mo lang alam?

marami akong nalaman tonight. mga bagay na, siguro, kung sinabi sa akin two years ago, would have mattered. nagulat ako. pero i didn't let it get to me. 2nd hand info is 2nd hand info. and despite the dint of flattery, the little heart-tug, i know that that case is moot and academic now.

the lord knew what to do. he gave me the right people at the right time.
thank you, lord.
kung tama man ang nararamdaman pero maling panahon, mali pa rin. + plus - equals - pa rin.

flattered pa rin ako, though. dahil di ko akalain na sinuyod pala nya ang buong 2nd floor para lang makahanap ng concert tickets para sa kin.

habang ini-inaugurate si obama...

...eto ako. pagod. medyo. wala lang. relaxed. inaantok na. masaya-saya naman. dahil tapos ko na ang 2nd draft ng 1/2 of a script na assigned sa kin. at maghihintay na lang ng feedback very soon.

five days ago, pinagawa kami ng 1st draft. three straight days akong naghihintay, nagpupumilit na pumalaot ang barko. kasi nga naman, 2005 ko huling nagsulat nang ganito. kinalawang na ang mga hinges. kinailangan ng yosi, kape, at ilang phone calls from sources-of-moral-support. buti na lang, may co-writer ako. kasi tight ang deadline. na-late kami sa deadline pero nakahabol din naman. at finally, eventually, pumalaot din ang bangka. wala syang choice e.

nung matapos ko sya, sabi ko, panget. natatakot akong basahin uli. not so soon after i'd finished it. baka mabuwisit lang ako sa self ko.

pero nung feedback meeting, thank god, knock on wood---maybe politics had something to do with it, and we were clueless beneficiaries--hindi naman uber harsh ang comments. isang major point lang that would require restructuring sa gitna. pero other than that, all were minor. sobrang relieved ako. kasi buong meeting, habang binabaril yung iba, hindi ako mapakali sa kaba.

dati, hindi naman ganito. dati, wala naman akong masyadong wisyo ng "feedback meeting" o "comments" from the director, pm, cm, buh, etcetera. basta makasubmit, tapos. nabanggit na ni waterfowl ang dahilan, kaya lalo ko tuloy namiss si beatlebum. aww. bear kita talaga (with kris aquino diction)!

so binigyan kami ng 1 day to revise. pagkatapos ng meeting, diretso kami ng co-writer ko sa one-on-one brainstorming for a new Middle. inabot kami ng alas-3. nakapagsimula akong magsulat ng alas-9 kinaumagahan (can't go on writing all night without sleeping...kelangan talagang makatulog otherwise magha-hang ang utak ko!). natapos ako, mga 10pm. uber late, pero ok na rin. within the day's deadline pa rin.

hay. pagod. i'm happy. and i thank god. because somehow, kahit na may mga bagay na missing sa life (at nagpapasalamat din ako na yung mga bagay na yon ay pawang mga materyal na bagay lamang), i have enough. i'm still blessed. with good health, a complete family, friends, a job, an osobear, a functioning heart and mind, a basically good soul.

ang tama ay hindi si ms. miller, per se. ang nagpapatama sa mga pino-"prophesy" nya ay faith. if you believe, and have complete faith, it will happen. good things will happen.

now. i have complete faith na by february, masosolusyonan na ang nag-iisang problema ko sa ngayon. and with that licked, all the more reason to be thankful, and maybe by then i'd be able to give back.

ba't ang hirap

hindi dapat mahirap. cause jupiter is on my side! i have to have faith. pahinga lang ang katapat nito, and in a matter of hours, the light will shine on me.

lord, help me. please.

loving jupiter and being loved back

maybe i should write them all down. names, i mean. after all, i'm getting to be a forgetful mind. tsktsk, scriptcon pa naman dati. dati?! basta to waterfowl, thank you. you're my savior for the moment. :-)

three things we shouldn't run out of, even in our jaded years:
1. the ability to keep ourselves happy by our dreams--be it daydreams, ambitions, or simple what-if scenarios.
2. optimism
3. driven-ness. or the state of being driven.
4. dreams. daydreams, ambitions, and simple what-if scenarios.

teka, apat na pala yun a. haha.

* * *

been sick for two days now. coughing like a dog and my nose is clogged. but i'm still one lucky gal. cause i had a vicks backrub, a roll of tissue as a gift, a lucky me supreme, and a dose kisspirin and yakapsule. courtesy of the cutest fat bear on earth. :-)

thank you lord, for a boyfriend who would make a very good mother someday.

moonbeams!

yahoo says that tonight, the moon would be at its brightest.
nagmoonbathing ako for a few minutes. i wish moonbeams would bring me bright ideas.

nursing a blooming cold. burning throat, aching nape, and assignments due tomorrow.
i had planned to see a movie tomorrow. but at the rate i'm going, plans might have to be changed.
pwede namang ihabol for tomorrow afternoon, pero pasang-awa. we don't want pasang-awa, do we.

happy thought # 2

walks on a drizzly day and wishes come true,
happy meals and kisses and bearhugs, too.

"i'm hungry, waaaaah!"

:-)

happy thought#1

i LOVE wong kar-wai movies!
thanks to his films, hongkong has been immortalized to me.

exotic. strong in asian color. poetic and poignant and desolate at the same time. in wkw's world, hongkong is where love is found and lost, in taxicabs and dark alleys and old hotels and smoke-filled noodle stalls.

i became a listed fan of WKW on facebook. stole these pictures from his fansite:

maggie cheung and tony leung in "in the mood for love" i love this movie. probably my favorite WKW film ever.
smoke languidly rising up into the light. lakas ng visual impact. tumatak talaga sa kin.
"days of being wild"--leslie cheung, my favorite HK actor ever! (kamukha nya si henry q dito, rose)
parang snapshot from a movie in my mind noon...except ako yung babae, haha (si maggie cheung yung babae dito)
"days of being wild" poster

for me wkw has mastered a style that bears his signature. moods and emotions. hindi sya cerebral na direktor, which settles just fine with me. sana gumawa pa sya ng maraming magagandang pelikula, pero sana hindi nya ulitin ang sarili nya. :-)

starting today, jupiter is my best friend...

the stars say it.

i'm starting over, and it will be a promising (re)start.
this time, i'll love you better.
this time, it'll be for good.

jupiter, come on over!

wonderful things WILL come. i know they will, lord, because i believe. :-)

sanga-sangang thoughts

happy new year. i mean it!

let all good things begin in 2009...and never stop. kung kelangan mang mag-stop, sana, up to a certain level lang. or up to a level na kaya ng isang tao, depende sa emotional capacity nya.

yan ang wish ko for everyone.
marami din akong wishes for myself sa 2009. nakasulat na sila sa notebook, and i've decided that i would read them aloud everyday, para mas malakas ang magic. spoken words. a shoutout to the universe. a wish is a prayer and a prayer means you gotta have faith.

and i do. have faith, walk by faith.

* * *

i hop all over the net and my thoughts branch out in a dozen different directions. i'm reminded of two concerns.

hindi ako dapat nakakaramdam ng ganito. tsktsk.
pero pag hinimay-himay ko, may point naman ang ganitong pakiramdam. natural, pero hindi dapat.
kasi, unfair. o maling trabaho lang talaga ang pinasukan.
mali, mali. not that i regret the experience. it made me richer as a worker and as a person. experience-wise.

but if we really must be slaves for the time being, then let's be well-paid slaves.

thoughts branching out. lives branching out. reading about people's stories, i feel sad and hopeful. sad for the life that i could have had. hopeful for the life that i still want.

clashing interests between me and myself. welcome to the real world, bluey.

* * *

last dec 29 marked one year since That Day in School.
whew. isang taon na pala.
i'm okay now. i've gone a long way from the broken person that i'd been that day.
pero ang sugat, kadalasan may peklat.
may isang peklat sa pagkatao ko na panahon lang siguro--at ilan pang episodes ng pagmumuni-muni--ang magtatanggal.

worried din ako sa mga peklat na naiwan ko sa ibang tao.
i hope everyone's alright now. lalo na si K.
sana ok na ok na sya.

* * *

i couldn't write about december 29, that day. i couldn't do anything at all. yun na yata yung araw na nalugmok ang buong pagkatao ko sa lebel na wala na kong pakialam kung nakakahiya o kung ano ang iisipin ng ibang nakakakita.

the whole session had felt like a court trial. strangely, the tears came only after it was done. and cry i did. i'd never cried like that before. people were trying to comfort me, pero pano mo iko-console ang isang namatay at namatayan? my dream died on that day, even if the sentence came many weeks later. that day was the worst, and the days that followed were just a denouement.

ang then there was K, with his mom. i was ridden with guilt. no amount of sorry could undo things. i desperately wanted him to be ok.

hinatid namin sila hanggang EDSA. uuwi daw kasi sila sa probinsya dahil namatay ang lola niya. binigay ko na bilang abuloy yung last P500 sa wallet ko. ayaw pang kunin. kung tutuusin wala pa yon sa abala at risk na dinulot ko sa kanila.

buti na lang, ang mga sugat, gumagaling. kung may sugat man si K, i have faith in god na pinagaling na Niya ito by now. o kung may peklat pa, mawawala na rin sya in time. god is good.

* * *

2nd anniv namin ni osobear last dec 31. star city uli, pero we both realized that day na hindi kami compatible pagdating sa theme-park tastes. sya kasi mahilig sa halukay-bituka rides, ako hindi. last year kasi star city kami nag-anniv, pero i was too preoccupied by the dec 29 fiasco to be truly terrified by the halukay-bituka rides na sinakyan namin. this year, though, kulang na lang mag-hyperventilate ako sa takot. I HATE HALUKAY-BITUKA RIDES!

nang mag-backout ako at the last minute from "surf dance" (pagkatapos ng mga 1 oras naming paghihintay sa pila), feeling ko talaga na-disappoint ko si osobear. at that time i desperately wished i weren't so chicken. hay. at least nakapag-SNOW WORLD naman kami. we've decided na rin na next year hindi na kami pupunta ng star city. haha.

* * *

5:27 am. sunrise. time for bed.

tama ka, beatlebum. am SO glad 2008's over.
brimming with happy hopes for this year. i know magiging masaya ang buwelta ng langit. ganon lang naman ang life.

waterfowl, i've been down to 2 cigarette sticks a day for the past two days. two weeks more, tapos 1 stick a day na lang. compared to my 1-pack-a-day 2008 habit, that's a bit of a progress ain't it. of course, wouldn't want to speak too soon. haha.

argh, wanna quit smoking already. EQ, EQ.

good morning world! :-)