sanga-sangang thoughts

happy new year. i mean it!

let all good things begin in 2009...and never stop. kung kelangan mang mag-stop, sana, up to a certain level lang. or up to a level na kaya ng isang tao, depende sa emotional capacity nya.

yan ang wish ko for everyone.
marami din akong wishes for myself sa 2009. nakasulat na sila sa notebook, and i've decided that i would read them aloud everyday, para mas malakas ang magic. spoken words. a shoutout to the universe. a wish is a prayer and a prayer means you gotta have faith.

and i do. have faith, walk by faith.

* * *

i hop all over the net and my thoughts branch out in a dozen different directions. i'm reminded of two concerns.

hindi ako dapat nakakaramdam ng ganito. tsktsk.
pero pag hinimay-himay ko, may point naman ang ganitong pakiramdam. natural, pero hindi dapat.
kasi, unfair. o maling trabaho lang talaga ang pinasukan.
mali, mali. not that i regret the experience. it made me richer as a worker and as a person. experience-wise.

but if we really must be slaves for the time being, then let's be well-paid slaves.

thoughts branching out. lives branching out. reading about people's stories, i feel sad and hopeful. sad for the life that i could have had. hopeful for the life that i still want.

clashing interests between me and myself. welcome to the real world, bluey.

* * *

last dec 29 marked one year since That Day in School.
whew. isang taon na pala.
i'm okay now. i've gone a long way from the broken person that i'd been that day.
pero ang sugat, kadalasan may peklat.
may isang peklat sa pagkatao ko na panahon lang siguro--at ilan pang episodes ng pagmumuni-muni--ang magtatanggal.

worried din ako sa mga peklat na naiwan ko sa ibang tao.
i hope everyone's alright now. lalo na si K.
sana ok na ok na sya.

* * *

i couldn't write about december 29, that day. i couldn't do anything at all. yun na yata yung araw na nalugmok ang buong pagkatao ko sa lebel na wala na kong pakialam kung nakakahiya o kung ano ang iisipin ng ibang nakakakita.

the whole session had felt like a court trial. strangely, the tears came only after it was done. and cry i did. i'd never cried like that before. people were trying to comfort me, pero pano mo iko-console ang isang namatay at namatayan? my dream died on that day, even if the sentence came many weeks later. that day was the worst, and the days that followed were just a denouement.

ang then there was K, with his mom. i was ridden with guilt. no amount of sorry could undo things. i desperately wanted him to be ok.

hinatid namin sila hanggang EDSA. uuwi daw kasi sila sa probinsya dahil namatay ang lola niya. binigay ko na bilang abuloy yung last P500 sa wallet ko. ayaw pang kunin. kung tutuusin wala pa yon sa abala at risk na dinulot ko sa kanila.

buti na lang, ang mga sugat, gumagaling. kung may sugat man si K, i have faith in god na pinagaling na Niya ito by now. o kung may peklat pa, mawawala na rin sya in time. god is good.

* * *

2nd anniv namin ni osobear last dec 31. star city uli, pero we both realized that day na hindi kami compatible pagdating sa theme-park tastes. sya kasi mahilig sa halukay-bituka rides, ako hindi. last year kasi star city kami nag-anniv, pero i was too preoccupied by the dec 29 fiasco to be truly terrified by the halukay-bituka rides na sinakyan namin. this year, though, kulang na lang mag-hyperventilate ako sa takot. I HATE HALUKAY-BITUKA RIDES!

nang mag-backout ako at the last minute from "surf dance" (pagkatapos ng mga 1 oras naming paghihintay sa pila), feeling ko talaga na-disappoint ko si osobear. at that time i desperately wished i weren't so chicken. hay. at least nakapag-SNOW WORLD naman kami. we've decided na rin na next year hindi na kami pupunta ng star city. haha.

* * *

5:27 am. sunrise. time for bed.

tama ka, beatlebum. am SO glad 2008's over.
brimming with happy hopes for this year. i know magiging masaya ang buwelta ng langit. ganon lang naman ang life.

waterfowl, i've been down to 2 cigarette sticks a day for the past two days. two weeks more, tapos 1 stick a day na lang. compared to my 1-pack-a-day 2008 habit, that's a bit of a progress ain't it. of course, wouldn't want to speak too soon. haha.

argh, wanna quit smoking already. EQ, EQ.

good morning world! :-)