6 days before shoot

and the day job beckons.

had a lockin meeting for the youth show all afternoon and evening while cast auditions were being held at the UP campus. 4 auditonees, all of which i hadn't seen. i wish we had more time to advertise this day.

just almost got home, and there's another round of auditions tomorrow. i really hope the ones who will come will finally complete my shortlist. no time to advertise. sana naman may mga pumuntang tama.

cast. must be final (as per me) tomorrow. cast presentation on wednesday.
location. must complete within the next three days. we're still two locations away from completion.
shotlist. hay. must find time to start it tomorrow.
script. final revisions due tomorrow evening.
shooting schedule. parang dapat unahin ko muna to kesa sa shotlist. dang. will do this tomorrow while waiting for auditionees.

i have to pray. everyday.

and tomorrow evening is free. still thinking if i should crash at a friend's place so i can make it on time for wednesday's early-bird meeting with client. should list down all concerns.

wednesday. early-bird meeting in the morning, brief debriefing with staff after, lockin for the youth show in the afternoon and evening.

thursday and friday. scripting. good luck to me on this. lord, help me.

saturday. final prod meet for 1st shooting day. omg. parang ang lapit na. help me, lord. will continue shotlist work.

sunday. continue shotlist work.

monday. grind. we have 24 hours for approximately 20 sequences on a two-cam setup. lord, help me. ngayon lang ako magtu-two-cam setup sa tanang life ko.

and the worst way to cap a tiring day is to do so with a petty fight.
too tired to fight it out. too busy to be angry. too bored to be bothered. we all need little ripples in the water every once in a while. if the water doesn't calm, i'm throwing my oars away. at least for this week.

when i was younger, i was idealistic. i wanted to give the best. i wanted to be given the best. madali din akong ma-sway. madali akong ma-influence ng herd.

hanggang ngayon, minsan, dala-dala ko pa yon. kahit irrational. kahit unreasonable.

pag unreasonable ang galit ko, hindi ko mailabas. kasi maling ilabas. dahil maaapektuhan at maaapektuhan ang mga tao sa paligid ko. pero bigyan mo lang ako ng kahit maliit na stimulus, just enough reason for me to justify my expression of anger, kakagatin ko. dahil hangga't nasa loob sya, kailangan at kailangan ko pa ring ilabas.

ngayon, pag pinatulan ng tao, hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero there's this weird sense of...satiation. na at least, narinig ako, at nag-react. na ngayon, pwede na kong manahimik, dahil nabigyan na ko ng catharsis. and it will be the first and last time i'll ever say anything about the issue.

minsan nag-iisip ako ng mga nababasa ko sa libro. tapos darating ako sa punto na magtatanong ako, am i being treated right? shouldn't i be treated better? bakit si ganito, ganyan. bakit ako, hindi? namumuo ang discontent, along with the questions. namumuo ang doubts. and fears. kaya minsan may mga moments na out of the blue, magugulat na lang ang mga tao sa kin dahil bigla akong maiiyak. tatawanan ako, at sasabihin na drama queen ako.

paano ko ba masasabi sa kanila na idealist ako? na sucker ako sa mga fantasies na pinroject ng mga idealists na katulad ko sa mga sinusulat nila? na kailangan kong makakita ng island sa horizon, para malaman ko kung may pupuntahan nga ba ako? na in that way, kahit idealist ako, umaandar ang pagiging segurista ko? mahirap ba kong ispellingin para sa mga taong realistic, logical, at hindi mahilig/marunong magbasa ng subtext sa kilos at salita ng ibang tao? kailangan ko bang diretsuhin, na alam ko namang hindi ko magagawa, because doing so will cause a whole lot of complicated consequences?

pano ko sasabihin na minsan, A does not lead to B, but sometimes A+B-C/DxE leads to F? unfair, irrational. dahil hindi naman lahat ng tao pareho ng takbo ng utak ko. pwedeng hindi sila agree sa perception ko ng maganda, at para sa kanila, ang status quo ay maganda na. at hindi sila basta basta magbibitiw ng salita hangga't hindi nila mapapangatawanan ng gawa.

that's a what-if scenario. or maybe that's the truth, and that's what my logical self says. pero ang isang side ko, naiisip na tama ang mga nababasa ko. tama ang mga pangarap ko. tama lang na maghangad ako ng islang na makakapitan while sailing in these uncertain, unpredictable waters. na kung hindi ibibigay, there's something wrong. and that's where my discontent, my anger, my frustrations begin.

ang ideal, i-discuss in an open forum. pero that's not the way it goes in this case. it's good to be open, pero may mga bagay ka pa rin na hindi masasabi. tulad ng pag tinanong ka ng boyfriend mo kung gusto mong bigyan ka nya ng bulaklak, at hindi mo masasabing "oo". dahil gusto mo, ibigay nya sa yo nang kusa, na manggaling sa kanya ang initiative.

siguro para sa ibang tao, this way of thinking doesn't make sense. pero ganun ako e. tatanggapin ko na lang. either they'll figure me out, or i'll figure out a way to deal with reality.

hay. bahala na si batman.

that out, i can sleep. a happy busy work week awaits.