i want only positivity and nothing else. i will it.

i hate the inborn nega in me. hate it.

3 in the morning. 1 script down, 1 more to go, 19 sequences to finish by 12 noon later. good luck. di ako inaantok sa ngayon pero a bit too drained para magpatuloy. sa tingin ko kailangan ko munang umidlip.

or maybe not. malay ko makasulat pa ko ng isang eksena. or two.

dapat matapos to by noon mamaya.

* * *

sometimes i just want to flee. detach. fly away. for two or three days. and then come back. sorely missed. refreshed. happier than normal.

but i think it's gonna be a good idea, to just back off for a while. to just remove myself and immerse into something else. at least, for the weekend.

marami akong namimiss. cigarettes, most of all. i know i shouldn't even think of it positively. yun ang dapat ninenega ko sa utak ko. pero namimiss ko lang yung stress mechanism na yon. pag may emotional need ako na nag-uumapaw, i used to turn to three things: yosi, food, love. not necessarily in that order. ngayon, dalawa na lang ang sandalan ko. at yung food, hazardous din naman, not only to my health (if in large doses) but to my figure. at yung love, parang yosi din. if you chain-smoke, if you rely on it too much, di rin healthy. tsktsk.

kaya namimiss ko ang yosi. my mind misses it but my body barfs at the smell of it. di ko pa rin ma-take ang amoy hanggang ngayon.

detach, girl. detach and immerse in other things.

i hate my 7monthpreggy look. i hope i don't look any worse than i already am. it depresses me even more and makes me want to go away all the more.

eh di naman ako makaalis. dahil 7 months na. sabi nila bawal na ang long trips. lalo na pag mag-isa. oo gusto kong umalis mag-isa. gusto ko lang i-try. gusto kong gumawa ng mga bagay na maaring hindi ko na pwedeng gawin pag lumabas na ang anak ko.

gusto kong gumawa ng maraming bagay na hindi ko (na) pwedeng gawin sa ngayon. tulad ng magyosi at mag-coke zero at the same time. tulad ng maglasing kahit isang gabi lang in the happy company of friends. tulad ng magdiet. at marami pang iba.

kababawan, yes. puros kababawan. dahil may parte ng pagkatao ko na ayaw pa ring mag-let go sa pagkabata/kabataan. dahil for the most of my life, i was young, at iyon ang nakasanayan. there's comfort in the familiar. fear in change.

i'm not in control most of the time. there are changes that are not in my control, and it depresses me, makes me feel helpless. kaya lalo kong namimiss ang yosi, dahil wala akong makapitan. i shouldn't turn to food. i shouldn't turn to love. but i can suck on a menthol stick and channel all my anxieties into it, it won't mind. sure, my body would, but for the moment, i'd feel alive and healthy and invulnerable. at least until i finish it all up.

i'm such a dependent. ARGH.