frustrated on a stormy night.

bite the bullet. it's not in your hands so just be a leaf in the wind. let it take you wherever it wants you to go.

tons to do. may deadline tonight. but i'm here. frustrated with how things are going. frustrated that i'm supposed to be home working on meeting that deadline. frustrated that i'm being made to swallow a somekinda bitter pill...in front of a firing squad, later this week.

tired. don't get me wrong, lord, i'm grateful. frustration and bitter pills are part of the job, and i accept that. nagbubuga lang po ng kaunti. pero tulog at kaunting libreng oras lang ang katapat nito, okay na ko. happy na uli at mahaba na naman ang pisi.

how i wish i were home. with my husband, and our baby. i wish she were in my arms, her round chubby face pressed against mine. i miss kissing those round chubby cheeks, seeing that happy-baby smile, pinching those round chubby thighs. i miss carrying her and holding her til she falls asleep. i miss her, even if i was only with her this afternoon.

gusto kong gumawa ng sulat sa kanya. a letter to 17-year-old aysie, just to let her know how happy it makes me feel to be her mother. hearing her say "mamamama" for the first time, seeing her finally learning to crawl, waking up in the morning to see her awake and staring at my sleeping face, hearing her newly-acquired gurgly laugh. how happy it makes me to see her smiling at a new toy i bought for her, to see her looking at me and opening up her fat little arms to let me know that she wants to be in my arms. i want her to know all these things, how being her mother has become a source of pride and joy, right now when she's only 9 months old. dahil alam kong when she grows up and gets to be 17, malaki ang posibilidad na malagay sya sa twilight zone that most teenagers go through. para kung sakaling dumaan sya sa "I-hate-my-mom" stage, ma-remind siya kung gaano ko siya kamahal simula pa nung baby siya.

each time i see a newborn, para kong binabalik sa panahon na newborn pa si aysie at sobrang liit pa nya. may heart-tug akong nararamdaman, filled with memories of those days na bago pa lang sa mundo ang anak ko at nangangapa pa ko bilang ina. those were difficult times then, pero looking back, minsan yung mga "difficult" times, they make the best memories.

12:10 am. gusto ko nang umuwi. may deadline has defeated me. and tomorrow is another day. HAY. tulog at konting free time lang katapat nito.