Napaisip tuloy ako. How does it feel to be a mother?
Let me count the feels.
Yung aliw, sa tuwing sumisipa sya sa loob ng tiyan ko. She used to kick in the lower left side of my abdomen. :-)
Yung agonizing pain, nung gusto na nyang lumabas at hindi pa ko ready. My labor hours were short but intense. Parang may dumudurog sa mga buto ng balakang ko and it was, literally, nearly intolerable. white-knuckled kind of pain. PERO SULIT NA SULIT NAMAN YON, dahil...
Yung indescribable joy, the first time ko syang nakita, at the very moment she was born. I remember vividly how she looked. She was yellowbrown, around 13 inches long, with a barrel torso, like all newborn babies. She was beautiful, and she was mine, and if I weren't so tired and drugged from all that "laboring" i would have cried. literally indescribable kind of joy, dahil wala akong mahanap na salita para klase ng saya na naramdaman ko noon. maybe a mix of wonder, awe, bliss-- pero not even close.
Yung terror, the moment she was brought into the hospital room to stay with me overnight, na hindi ko alam kung paano maging isang ina sa isang maliit na baby. i was terrified. 5 minutes of cold feet/ mommy jitters.
Yung tuwa, the first time I breastfed her successfully. yung unang sagap nya ng milk from my teat. I'd been worried na baka hindi nya matutunan agad dumede from my teat. i had wanted to breastfeed her exclusively (walang formula)
Yung fear, when she was a newborn, na baka madaganan ko sya habang natutulog o maging biktima sya ng SIDS. because she was so fragile and small. as a first time mother i had many fears.
Yung frustration, kapag hindi ko siya mapatulog o mapatahan as a baby, o kapag inaantok na ako o pagod ako at hindi ko pa rin sya mapatulog.
Yung pride, the first time she said "Mama" (or was it "Papa"?).
Yung lungkot, when i'd be away at work and i'd miss her so badly. hanggang ngayon, when i'd only be working inside my room and hardly come out for days, namimiss ko pa rin siya.
Yung awa, kapag umiiyak at humahabol siya sa tuwing aalis ako ng bahay. pinakamalala ito between 3 mos and 3.5 years. ang sakit sa puso. hindi ko matiis. may time na ayaw nya akong bitawan dahil papasok na naman ako ng working room. the room is within our house, pero ayaw nya pa rin. naiiyak tuloy ako as i write! :-( my baby used to be so clingy.
Yung inis, during her makulit/malikot/tigas ulo moments. Pero ang anak ko, mabait at behaved na kumpara sa iba.
Yung pride, for seeing proof that she is a well-behaved, mabait na bata. when teachers and co-parents say na mabait ang anak ko--- grabe. nakakatuwa. because it means, bukod sa naturalesa nya yon, that we are not doing something wrong when it comes to her upbringing.
Yung frustration, kapag masyado akong busy at hindi ko matutukan ang anak ko.
Yung hindi macontain na excitement, on her first day of school. For some reason I felt like i was the one who was going to Kinder 2. Kahit hanggang ngayon, pag papasok na sya sa school, i'd always ask, "ano kayang aaralin nina Audrey today?" and she 'd always answer, "Letter A!" to which i'd always reply, "Letter A na naman!? di na nakausad?!"haha.
Yung heartwarming joy, sa tuwing niyayaykap nya ako before she leaves for/ when she comes home from school. My daughter's hugs and kisses are precious to me. Ngayon naiintindihan ko na ang feeling ng tatay ko each time i'd indulge his request for a hug or a kiss when i was a kid.
Yung fear, na baka we're not raising her the right way. Parents mean well, but sometimes they don't know any better. We are imperfect people who are trying our best to raise good kids, pero minsan may nagagawa na pala tayong harmful, pero hindi natin alam. yun ang worst fear ko... to do harm to my child, and not be even aware of it. My husband and I agree on one priority--- disciplining her so that she wouuld grow up to be a good person. Yung may compassion, may malasakit, marunong magshare, at marunong makipagkapwa tao. kulang na lang dyan, yung makadiyos.
ang haba na. pero ang tagal ko ring hindi nagkwento about my daughter. I am many things. But it's being a mother that I love the most. kung may legacy man ako sa mundong ito, i think it's my child.
one more feeling: yung Love, kapag kinukwento mo ang anak mo. it's not something that everyone can relate to or be interested in. but it brings me joy, talking about her. i remember just how much i love her, recallig our history together.
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