this made me cry

Namiss ko ang anak ko. 

I see her everyday, get to hug her and kiss her. But these days, I seldom get to be with her. As in, really spend time with her. I don't resent my job for that, we all need to work (at swerte na ako na sa bahay ako nagtatrabaho), but I'm just sad. That it's taking time away from my child, at a time when every moment, every single day counts, because her time as a child is limited and she won't be this small forever. Instead of me, it's her yaya who gets to be by her side, the first person she sees in the morning and the last person she sees at night. Instead of me, it's yaya who gets to give her her baths, help her prepare for school, make hatid-sundo, prepare her meals. Instead of me, it's yaya who gets to have memories of these precious days. these days won't happen again, and I feel sad, and i can only hope that before she gets to be 7, 8 or 9, I'd be actively participating in her life again, enjoy those final years of early childhood with her, make memories with her as her mother. 

This is something that only working mothers might probably relate to. When a woman becomes a mother, everything else will become second priority. When you become a mother, marirealize mo na posible palang mamiss mo ang isang tao kahit wala pang 5 minutes kang nahiwalay sa kanya. When you become a mother,  quitting the ratrace and becoming a fulltime mom becomes an option, and the option. But you need to work, and you want to. So the yaya enters the picture to do the things you cannot do for your child. 

I was raised by yayas and a lola. hindi naman nagbago ang pagmamahal ko sa Mama ko. But as a mother, I really want to be hands-on. I've always tried my best to be hands-on, the be an active parent in her life. I had wanted to be the one to teach her to read, to write, to count. I had wanted to be the one to take her to school on her very first day. I had wanted (and still want) to be the one to tutor her in her homework, review her for her tests. I had wanted to be the one to teach her how to put her clothes on, how to put on her socks and her shoes. And so I did. 

Grateful ako kay Lord na binigyan ako ng free time these past 5 years, to get to be with my daughter. Siguro, sabi nya, okay na yun 5 years na nahubog mo ang pagkatao nya, na naging active participant ka sa everyday life nya.  She'll be fine. Ngayon, sabi ni Lord, kailangan kong mag-focus sa trabaho ko. Kailangan kong mag-give back, because this company, my bosses, they have been kind to me since Day 1. I think about it now, and somehow it makes me feel better.  Knowing that my Audrey will be fine. Cause she's 5, and her teacher says she's a good girl, pwede na akong maging kampante somehow. 

I love this project, there are highs and lows. To be able to commit myself 100%, I needed to go back to a version of me that existed long before Audrey came. And in that aspect, nagiguilty ako. Dahil hindi na ako yun ngayon. Once you become a mother, you'll always be a mother, pero these past few months, I've been someone else. I know my daughter is in good hands, kaya I allowed it, pero pag nakakabasa ako ng mga posts tulad ng nasa taas, naiiyak ako.  Reminded again , that to gain some you have to lose some, and in this case, it's precious time with my daughter. 

Alas 3 na ng umaga. may deadline pa and I'm running behind schedule again. Babalik na naman ako sa 20ish self ko, pero bago ako magpalit na naman ng pagkatao, I just needed to let all this out. When this project is over, babawi ako ng oras sa anak ko. Nang bonggang bongga. 

at least---and amazingly, parang binulong sa akin ng Diyos ngayon ngayon lang--- she's in good shape, character-wise, at this point. She'll be fine. Thank you Lord, for that reassurance. That's all I really need to know.