slow afternoon. wrinkled days.
something has been scheduled today. but at the last moment, a setback happened. which is the friggin worst time for me, because i don't want to be home right now. i don't want to think.
i've been having wrinkled days lately. after one piece of somekinda happy news, the fear sets in. not fear of unmet self-designed expectations. not fear of ineptness or mediocrity. but fear of the reality-based kind.
27 years. of relative freedom.
nearly 27 years of someone's toiling. now, ended.
we're happy. but we're afraid as well.
it rubs off. on me. because just at a time when i'm inclined to move away from pragmatism, this hinders me so.
there are other priorities. other responsibilities.
a dampener. and that, among other little things, sources of disappointment/frustration in this daily non-existence, is somekinda exhausting.
makes me want to sleep the day away.
and for the first time ever, nothing, besides physical rest and a stick of menthols, could resuscitate me from a bad day. not even love. and it's saddening. because love has always been a balm for the spirit. ever since pre-school.
this will pass. i just need to pray more. and not worry about tomorrows. because god will take care of everything. just as how he has taken care of me and my family for the past thirty years.
there are more blessings to count. i should be grateful for that.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
they don't make these things anymore
everyone's been raving about this. made me want to lie down on the pavement...and you wouldn't want to know the reason why. haha.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
can i have my cake and eat it, too?
last night i got an answered prayer. i literally jumped up and down, which i hadn't done in a long long time.
i was doubly happier because i wasn't expecting it. i wasn't even hoping. i didn't even want to think about it. because, one month ago, i went through this. it was somekinda draining, kasi medyo matagal na rin since nag-effort ako ng ganon sa isang project. draining and frustrating, and the next several days suffered because of that.
tapos, kagabi. i got the news. nag-uumapaw ang pasasalamat ko kay papa god. super. kasi parang nagkakaroon ako uli ng pag-asa. nothing could've ruined my night last night.
tapos, kinabukasan, gumising ako. andun pa rin ang happiness, pero bigla kong naalala na me story conference akong kelangan puntahan, at sobrang late na ko, at kahit ayokong pumunta eh kelangan pa rin, dahil ni-require ako and who am i to question my superiors. kahit na feeling ko eh wala namang gagawin ang isang katulad ko don. actually, first time ko pa nga lang makaattend ng story conference sa tanang life ko as a script girl. na-dampen ang high spirits. wake up and smell the coffee.
isang malaking ho-hum ang story con. importante sya sa mga artista at sa direktor, pero feeling ko talaga di na ko kelangan dun. as i sat there waiting for us to be dismissed, pababa nang pababa ang spirits ko. reality is setting in. i'm getting fidgety with my life here. inaatake na naman ako ng impatience. tumataas ang level of frustration. i want to do something else. i want to be something else.
magandang opportunity yung news kahapon. pero as expected, semi-pessimist me has seen the half-empty glass as well. kasi today ko na-realize na hindi ko na mahal ang trabaho ko like how i used to. madali akong ma-bore. pag nagshu-shoot, masaya, pero pag sumasagi sa isip ko ang trabaho, hindi na ko kasing-excited ng dati. minsan, nakaka-dampen pa sya, lalo na pag naiisip kong baka maging hadlang sa mga bagay na gusto ko talagang gawin.
i love my job and the field i'm in. pero laging nasa likod ng utak ko yung mga what-ifs and what-could've-beens, had i chosen to concentrate on pursuing the Dream, all-out. pursuing it, and producing results. instead of laboring around what i really want to do.
you gotta give some to get some. can't have your cake and eat it too. pag may tiyaga, may nilaga. nasa diyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa. sige itambak na natin ang lahat ng salawikain ni lolo dito. if only to drive the point home, to stubborn impatient brooding-over-nothing me.
sabi ng kaibigan ko, be patient. tama sya. kasi wala kang karapatang maging impatient kung hindi ka naman nagbigay ng enough effort. kung di mo ginawa nang todo ang part mo. so shut up and bite the bullet and face the consequences of your (non) actions. walang karapatang mainip ang taong meron namang pwedeng gawin.
k, enough angst for tonight. magiging masaya na lang ako, at magdadasal. na na sana, hindi magka-conflict ang labor of love at ang labor for money. cause i need both. times require it. i need both to be truly happy. makitid man ag ganyang pag-iisip, pero sa ngayon yan ang katotohanan.
wish ko talaga. sana magawa ko pareho nang hindi kelangang i-give up ang kahit ano. just this once, lord. can i have my cake and eat it too?
i was doubly happier because i wasn't expecting it. i wasn't even hoping. i didn't even want to think about it. because, one month ago, i went through this. it was somekinda draining, kasi medyo matagal na rin since nag-effort ako ng ganon sa isang project. draining and frustrating, and the next several days suffered because of that.
tapos, kagabi. i got the news. nag-uumapaw ang pasasalamat ko kay papa god. super. kasi parang nagkakaroon ako uli ng pag-asa. nothing could've ruined my night last night.
tapos, kinabukasan, gumising ako. andun pa rin ang happiness, pero bigla kong naalala na me story conference akong kelangan puntahan, at sobrang late na ko, at kahit ayokong pumunta eh kelangan pa rin, dahil ni-require ako and who am i to question my superiors. kahit na feeling ko eh wala namang gagawin ang isang katulad ko don. actually, first time ko pa nga lang makaattend ng story conference sa tanang life ko as a script girl. na-dampen ang high spirits. wake up and smell the coffee.
isang malaking ho-hum ang story con. importante sya sa mga artista at sa direktor, pero feeling ko talaga di na ko kelangan dun. as i sat there waiting for us to be dismissed, pababa nang pababa ang spirits ko. reality is setting in. i'm getting fidgety with my life here. inaatake na naman ako ng impatience. tumataas ang level of frustration. i want to do something else. i want to be something else.
magandang opportunity yung news kahapon. pero as expected, semi-pessimist me has seen the half-empty glass as well. kasi today ko na-realize na hindi ko na mahal ang trabaho ko like how i used to. madali akong ma-bore. pag nagshu-shoot, masaya, pero pag sumasagi sa isip ko ang trabaho, hindi na ko kasing-excited ng dati. minsan, nakaka-dampen pa sya, lalo na pag naiisip kong baka maging hadlang sa mga bagay na gusto ko talagang gawin.
i love my job and the field i'm in. pero laging nasa likod ng utak ko yung mga what-ifs and what-could've-beens, had i chosen to concentrate on pursuing the Dream, all-out. pursuing it, and producing results. instead of laboring around what i really want to do.
you gotta give some to get some. can't have your cake and eat it too. pag may tiyaga, may nilaga. nasa diyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa. sige itambak na natin ang lahat ng salawikain ni lolo dito. if only to drive the point home, to stubborn impatient brooding-over-nothing me.
sabi ng kaibigan ko, be patient. tama sya. kasi wala kang karapatang maging impatient kung hindi ka naman nagbigay ng enough effort. kung di mo ginawa nang todo ang part mo. so shut up and bite the bullet and face the consequences of your (non) actions. walang karapatang mainip ang taong meron namang pwedeng gawin.
k, enough angst for tonight. magiging masaya na lang ako, at magdadasal. na na sana, hindi magka-conflict ang labor of love at ang labor for money. cause i need both. times require it. i need both to be truly happy. makitid man ag ganyang pag-iisip, pero sa ngayon yan ang katotohanan.
wish ko talaga. sana magawa ko pareho nang hindi kelangang i-give up ang kahit ano. just this once, lord. can i have my cake and eat it too?
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
movie-starved
where watching good films is concerned, i've been out of the loop for quite some time now. regardless of the fact that i've been making the semi-regular trip to cinemas every now and then, marami pa rin akong na-miss from the past few years.
naiinis ako! kasi nung college pa ko (at gutom na gutom sa kaalaman sa pelikula), i've promised myself that i would watch at least 1 movie a day. pangit man o maganda, pinoy man o foreign, basta isang pelikula ang target daily dosage ko. para patuloy ang pag-aaral, kahit sa labas ng classroom. at page-espiya ng mga direktor/manunulat na makokopyahan. hehe.
sa baul ko, andaming dvds ng (reputedly) magagandang pelikula ang naghihintay, pero halos wala pa kong napapanood sa kanila. kasi gusto ko when i finally sit down and watch them, full concentration, walang ibang iniisip. at isa pang dahilan ko sa sarili ko, lagi lang naman silang nandyan, kaya hindi ko kailangang panoorin agad.
hay. pati ba naman sa panonood ng dvds, nagpo-procrastinate pa rin ako. e-wan.
kahit mga pelikulang kasangkot ako sa paggawa, nami-miss ko pa rin. tulad ng landslide movie namin nina d1rek. at mukhang sasama na don ang "3ndo" dahil hindi na naman ako pwede sa gala night nya sa sunday. nyeta. syempre may ibang araw pa namang pwedeng mapanood yung "3ndo" kaso iba yung gala eh. andun lahat ng mga katrabaho mo! andun ang mga artista!
btw, artista pala ko sa "3ndo". kaso bagsik na bisor ang role ko. kontrabida na naman, hay.
hay. gustong mag-refresh uli. gusto kong bumalik sa college-mode. ironically though ang gusto kong mapanood very soon sa sinehan eh "simpsons" at "harry potter". haha. pero gusto kong harapin uli ang blangkong screen ng microsoft word. o kahit ang blangkong papel ng notebook na bibilhin ko pa lang. wala lang. baka sakali lang.
naiinis ako! kasi nung college pa ko (at gutom na gutom sa kaalaman sa pelikula), i've promised myself that i would watch at least 1 movie a day. pangit man o maganda, pinoy man o foreign, basta isang pelikula ang target daily dosage ko. para patuloy ang pag-aaral, kahit sa labas ng classroom. at page-espiya ng mga direktor/manunulat na makokopyahan. hehe.
sa baul ko, andaming dvds ng (reputedly) magagandang pelikula ang naghihintay, pero halos wala pa kong napapanood sa kanila. kasi gusto ko when i finally sit down and watch them, full concentration, walang ibang iniisip. at isa pang dahilan ko sa sarili ko, lagi lang naman silang nandyan, kaya hindi ko kailangang panoorin agad.
hay. pati ba naman sa panonood ng dvds, nagpo-procrastinate pa rin ako. e-wan.
kahit mga pelikulang kasangkot ako sa paggawa, nami-miss ko pa rin. tulad ng landslide movie namin nina d1rek. at mukhang sasama na don ang "3ndo" dahil hindi na naman ako pwede sa gala night nya sa sunday. nyeta. syempre may ibang araw pa namang pwedeng mapanood yung "3ndo" kaso iba yung gala eh. andun lahat ng mga katrabaho mo! andun ang mga artista!
btw, artista pala ko sa "3ndo". kaso bagsik na bisor ang role ko. kontrabida na naman, hay.
hay. gustong mag-refresh uli. gusto kong bumalik sa college-mode. ironically though ang gusto kong mapanood very soon sa sinehan eh "simpsons" at "harry potter". haha. pero gusto kong harapin uli ang blangkong screen ng microsoft word. o kahit ang blangkong papel ng notebook na bibilhin ko pa lang. wala lang. baka sakali lang.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
my favorite indie-gital festival
it's the 3rd edition of cinemalaya. yey!
it's relatively new, but i love this festival. it had a big role in the birth of the local indie-gital revolution. binigyan ang maraming bagets na filmmakers ng chance to shine, the indie way.
have videocam? go shoot. then submit it to the cinemalaya.
saya, no? di tulad dati, nung strictly 35- and 16-mm films pa ang acceptable media sa cinema. kung wala kang pera at hindi "de leon" o "vera-perez" ang apelyido mo, you need to climb the mainstream ropes and wait for decades bago ka mabigyan ng chance mag-direk ng sarili mong pelikula. ngayon, pabata nang pabata ang mga direktor at filmmakers. and people--even those from the mainstream--are starting to take them seriously.
every year since 2004 lagi akong involved, in one way or another, sa happenings ng cinemalaya. nung 1st cinemalaya, kontrabida role ang binigay sakin ng bossing kong si Mr. If It's From ___ It Must Be Good. haha. in fairness kay bossing, ambait nya. at kahit considered kontrabida kami (read: mga espiya ng management) sa mga indie filmmakers noon sobrang inspiring ang mga storya ng bawat kaso. at marami din akong na-meet na mga friends na may kaparehong pangarap.
stand-out sa 1st cinemalaya "Maxi", produced by our UFO friends and written by my favorite enigmatic writer M1tch Yamamoto. sobrang gusto ko talaga yung film na yun, and so did millions of others from different parts of the world. somehow nung 2nd cinemalaya naging tough act to follow ang "Maxi", kasi benchmark film sya ng umuusbong na indie-gital revolution noon.
pero somehow nagkaroon din naman ng standout film ang 2nd cinemalaya last year in m1ke sandejas' "Tulad ng Dati". itong pelikulang to, ibang-iba sa "Maxi", kaya hindi maiko-compare ang dalawa. i was thoroughly inspired by both. ewan ko kung ano nang nangyayari sa progress ng "Tulad ng Dati" sa international festival circuit ngayon, pero gusto ko syang mapanood uli.
nung 2nd cinemalaya, hindi na ko kasama sa kontrabida committee, kasama na ko sa mga filmmakers (haha, nax). masayang experience ang pagpapalabas namin ng G33-G33 at Water1na (short film category to), kasi sa mga nakapanood na friends/colleagues/kakilala/di-kakilala, marami naman (most of them bading) ang natuwa sa kanya. kahit yung mga babaeng bading, naka-relate din naman sa pelikula. hindi sya nanalo pero masaya na ko sa naging outcome. at kahit hindi perfect ang pelikula, proud pa rin ako sa baby namin ni d3nn1s te0d0sio.
proud din ako sa ilang friends na sumali sa 2nd cinemalaya. si ad0lf al1x na dating katrabaho sa st@r c1nema at sa kil1gshow, nag-directorial debut sa feature film nyang "Dons0l" (kung may people's choice award malamang "d0nsol" ang nanalo nun). si @rah bad@yos na dating katrabaho, nag-directorial debut din with "Mudr@ks".
this year, kasangkot uli ako sa c1nemalaya. pero this time, assistant director ako sa isa sa mga feature films na kasali sa competition: yung "endo". masayang experience ang paggawa ng "endo" (kahit na semi-kontrabida na naman ang papel ko pagdating sa pag-aligaga ng mga utaw sa shooting set). i have high hopes na magandang lalabas ang pelikula. sana panoorin nyo, july 22 ang gala night nya sa CCP Main Theater, 3:30 PM (spark plug, spark plug).
ipapalabas din ang feature films ng mga katrabaho at friendly friends, tulad ng "K@din" (feature film) ni Ad0lf @l1x (for the second consecutive year! kaya nyo yon?!), "St1ll L1fe" (feature film) ni Katsk1 Fl0res, "S1nungaling na Buw@n" (feature film) ng college prof kong si Ed L3jan0, "M1steryo sa Hap1s" (short film) ni M@ek del@ Cruz, "G@b0n" (short film) ni Emm@n del@ Cruz, at "D0bl3 V1sta" ng bagong katrabaho na si N1x Lan@s.
next year, sana kasama pa rin ako sa Cinemalaya. pero sana, filmmaker na ko ng feature film. haha, wish wish. :-)
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