can i have my cake and eat it, too?

last night i got an answered prayer. i literally jumped up and down, which i hadn't done in a long long time.

i was doubly happier because i wasn't expecting it. i wasn't even hoping. i didn't even want to think about it. because, one month ago, i went through this. it was somekinda draining, kasi medyo matagal na rin since nag-effort ako ng ganon sa isang project. draining and frustrating, and the next several days suffered because of that.

tapos, kagabi. i got the news. nag-uumapaw ang pasasalamat ko kay papa god. super. kasi parang nagkakaroon ako uli ng pag-asa. nothing could've ruined my night last night.

tapos, kinabukasan, gumising ako. andun pa rin ang happiness, pero bigla kong naalala na me story conference akong kelangan puntahan, at sobrang late na ko, at kahit ayokong pumunta eh kelangan pa rin, dahil ni-require ako and who am i to question my superiors. kahit na feeling ko eh wala namang gagawin ang isang katulad ko don. actually, first time ko pa nga lang makaattend ng story conference sa tanang life ko as a script girl. na-dampen ang high spirits. wake up and smell the coffee.

isang malaking ho-hum ang story con. importante sya sa mga artista at sa direktor, pero feeling ko talaga di na ko kelangan dun. as i sat there waiting for us to be dismissed, pababa nang pababa ang spirits ko. reality is setting in. i'm getting fidgety with my life here. inaatake na naman ako ng impatience. tumataas ang level of frustration. i want to do something else. i want to be something else.

magandang opportunity yung news kahapon. pero as expected, semi-pessimist me has seen the half-empty glass as well. kasi today ko na-realize na hindi ko na mahal ang trabaho ko like how i used to. madali akong ma-bore. pag nagshu-shoot, masaya, pero pag sumasagi sa isip ko ang trabaho, hindi na ko kasing-excited ng dati. minsan, nakaka-dampen pa sya, lalo na pag naiisip kong baka maging hadlang sa mga bagay na gusto ko talagang gawin.

i love my job and the field i'm in. pero laging nasa likod ng utak ko yung mga what-ifs and what-could've-beens, had i chosen to concentrate on pursuing the Dream, all-out. pursuing it, and producing results. instead of laboring around what i really want to do.

you gotta give some to get some. can't have your cake and eat it too. pag may tiyaga, may nilaga. nasa diyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa. sige itambak na natin ang lahat ng salawikain ni lolo dito. if only to drive the point home, to stubborn impatient brooding-over-nothing me.

sabi ng kaibigan ko, be patient. tama sya. kasi wala kang karapatang maging impatient kung hindi ka naman nagbigay ng enough effort. kung di mo ginawa nang todo ang part mo. so shut up and bite the bullet and face the consequences of your (non) actions. walang karapatang mainip ang taong meron namang pwedeng gawin.

k, enough angst for tonight. magiging masaya na lang ako, at magdadasal. na na sana, hindi magka-conflict ang labor of love at ang labor for money. cause i need both. times require it. i need both to be truly happy. makitid man ag ganyang pag-iisip, pero sa ngayon yan ang katotohanan.

wish ko talaga. sana magawa ko pareho nang hindi kelangang i-give up ang kahit ano. just this once, lord. can i have my cake and eat it too?