9 pm. isolated showers and thunderstorms. no work for the day.
a stick of menthols. a can of light soda. a mouthful of sweets. your family watching tv together in the next room.
perfect. thank god for this life. sana lagi na lang ganito. sana mas masaya pa.
it's so nice to be home. :-)
* * *
i remember a blog entry i once wrote on july 12, two years ago. tempted to carry on my personal "tradition", kaso masyadong comfy ang gabing to, parang gusto ko na lang itulog.
oh well. let's try to do it partially. what was i doing july 12 last year? last year's july was a whirlwind. shooting teXt from sunset to sunrise, shot a y9smien kurd1 video (from sunrise to sunrise), mentally preoccupied with the participation of my second baby of a kabaklaan short film at the 2006 c1nemalaya. hay. sigh. which reminds me. i've become too comfortable with my mundane existence. i have not taken up my "cross" yet.
a lot of opportunities have come. if i had only poured in some effort, who knows. maybe i would've been elsewhere in the map. who knows. maybe i would've been in the map. di ba yun naman ang pangarap ko. to pursue what i really want. may isang taong literally nanliligaw sa kin para gawin ang gusto ko talagang gawin. marami akong rason kung bakit hindi ako sumasagot ng oo. pero isa na dun, fear.
fear. of the inobtrusive, dormant kind.
fear. not only of failing. not only of making errors in decision. but also of leaving my comfort zone. of leaving the comfortable life i know now.
add to that, marami ding distractions ang buhay.
* * *
when a train comes, i half-walk, half-run. sometimes, i don't even run at all. because i have my own solid ground, my own little "puwesto" sa tabi ng riles. who would want to fall and trip all over herself? who would want to leave that little place in the sun, even for a moment, only to get back and realize that it is no longer there?
ilang tren na ba ang dumaan. taon-taon na lang. yung iba, andyan lang. naghihintay. kailangan mo lang kumilos. mag-effort. rise above the mundane concerns of your daily life.
kasi, ayaw mo namang isipin na nilagay ka lang dito sa earth para lang magtrabaho, kumita, mag-asawa at/o mag-anak. masyado nang maraming gumagawa non.
ayaw mo namang pagtanda mo, tsaka mo pa lang maiisip na sayang ang mga tren na dumaan at hindi mo hinabol at pinagtangkaang sakyan.
hay.
someday.
my most overused reply to myself.
* * *
minsan naiisip ko, siguro i can do more than just help make other people's movies.
hindi pala minsan. madalas.
it's a burning thought at the back of my mind, something that i've long ago buried in my "for future reference" files.
syempre, laging kadikit ng thought na yon ang tanong. kelan?
kung hindi ngayon, kelan?
punyeta. maganda na ang gabi ko, ayoko na munang pag-isipan.
* * *
back to july 12, 2006. the happiness of being a proud parent was different from anything i've ever experienced before. feeling mo, may purpose talaga ang buhay mo. feeling mo, the future's so bright you gotta wear shades. it goes without saying. gusto ko uli yon. pero mas madali ang magbusy-busyhan at trabahuhin ang mga bagay na required kang gawin.
i am not required to make something more of myself. i have dropped that self-imposed requirement, long long ago. pero pano ka magiging lubusang masaya kung hindi mo ipu-push ang sarili mo? kung yon ang kailangan para marating mo ang gusto mong marating?
hay. ewan. tigilan na muna.
back to july 12, 2006.
* * *
pag nagdidirek ako ng music video, feeling ko malapit-lapit na yon sa gusto ko talagang gawin. kaya karir kung karir, each time magshu-shoot ako. ganon ang nangyari sa p@tuloy p@ r1n ni y@smien kurd1. syempre, production staffer din ako, alam kong halos sumpa para sa mga nagtatrabaho sa production ang direktor na mahilig sa lamayan, and somehow i've made it one of the goals to make my shoots shorter and my packup times earlier in future projects.
one year later, matatawa na lang ako. kasi mas maaga naman natapos ang shoot for my next music video kesa sa y@smien kurd1 video of last year. mas maaga...by two hours. hah. nakaka-frustrate. kasi, nag-compromise na nga ako. pero tumagal pa rin. dahil sa ibang factors na hindi ko kontrolado. but those which i still hold myself responsible for.
hay. walang sisihan. lahat ng desisyon, dumadaan sa yo.sana lang maganda sya lumabas. kahit hindi ko pa napagtutuunan ng pansin ang editing.
* * *
one year ago, single ako. single and uncertain. intrigued by someone, wooed by someone, still carrying a torch for someone. tatlong magkakaibang tao ang "someone" in each sentence. haha.
a year made all the difference. a year has changed my life in a lot of ways. i used to think that i was too repressed, more inclined to pulling the ropes on too taut, but i was wrong. it was gut feel at work. if someone is not right for you, there's something inside of you that will tell you to hold back. a survival mechanism to shield you from pain.
one year later, i met that intriguing someone again, but i was with someone else. and i could only laugh. at the idea. that once upon a time i found this someone intriguing, when now he is just another one of those blessings-that-came-a-little-too-late.
one year later, i met that someone again. that someone whom i used to torch for, The One Who Got Away in an Alternate Universe. he's every bit as beautiful as i remembered him to be, but something was lost there. something was gone.
the torch was gone. because i was already in love with someone else. and that someone else, who was, one year ago, just another perceived casualty in my Idiot's Guide to Ruining a Date digest (i could write a thick volume, b'lieve me), is now worth much more than all the intriguing and torched-for someones i've met put together. he gave me more than just memories to keep on my Time Capsule #2. more than just the trappings of a wooer-in-action. more than just fluff.
love. a strange kind of happiness.
and for the first time in my life, someone actually made me let my guard down.
everything may change in the next coming years, but i pray with all my heart that this one would be a constant in the future july 12s of my life. :-)
* * *
tomorrow a new movie starts grinding. hay. help me lord. help me survive this on solid ground.
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