wrong side of the bed

this is not a start-of-the-day to write about.
having gone to bed at 6 am, having to start another day at 12 noon.
ironically, it's my day off work. a day to be happy. a day to watch "transformers" (yes, ngayon pa lang).
but i'm not, and it's another one of those moments. waking up like a zombie. for no apparent reason.

i'm such a moody person.

it's kinda sad, when you get to a point where you'd start working on a new movie and see it as just another project. losing steam, for the time being. seeing work as simply work. that was what happened on my First Day for the new movie.

i had no drive to go beyond being "professional". to make the effort to "socialize". because somehow i felt like i was on "enemy" grounds. not a healthy way to begin something. not a healthy working state-of-mind. maybe i'm more praning than i should be, maybe it's not a kap@mily@ vs k@puso kind of thing to them. i've worked with most of these people before. and they know i'm freelance. no roots, can be planted anywhere. but somehow i get the feeling that they think my loyalty is with the family network. which would make me, technically, the enemy.

bat may mga taong ganon. fiercely loyal to the point of being combative towards the "rival". network vs network. peer vs peer. bat ganun. kelangang mamintas o (technically) mang-putdown ng ibang tao. kung wala kang magandang masasabi di ba dapat tumatahimik ka na lang.

nakakailang makinig sa ganon, lalo na kung kaibigan mo ang kinokomentuhan. syempre hindi ka makaayon, at kung gusto mo mang ipagtanggol, you think it would be a wrong move. kasi kung ipapagtanggol mo baka isipin na ang loyalty mo, nasa taong pinag-uusapan. parang ganon ang crowd na to. may "if you're not with us, you're against us" kind of mentality. hindi ko masakyan, kasi hello. hindi naman kelangang mag-take ng sides. kung trabaho, trabaho.

kaya trabaho na lang ang tingin ko sa project na to. at ang mga katrabaho, katrabaho. hindi katulad nung mga dati kong nakakatrabaho, may personal relationship na ring nabi-build. siguro magiging ganon din kami ng mga katrabaho ko ngayon. masasakyan ko rin sila. pero Day 1 pa lang. 24 working days to go. at sa ngayon, wala ako sa PR mode. wala akong ganang mag-effort.

pag ang isang tao, nagagawa nyang mag-badmouth ng ibang tao sa likod nila, maari din nyang gawin sa yo. that's always the thought at the back of my mind. hindi ko matanggal. kaya hindi ako makapagtiwala. hindi ko maturing na kaibigan, bukod pa sa pagiging katrabaho.

anyway. time for "transformers". buti na lang love ko ang magiging movie date ko. sya, dati kong katrabaho, at alam kong mapapagkatiwalaan.