here's to every July 12 of your life

well duh. could i be any hazier than in the previous entry?
i'm actually happy. cause for a change i'm not working. hahaha. thank you lord for answering my mother's prayers. now if momma would only pray for one thing that i'm praying she'd pray for, maybe i'd be happier by another notch. a notch and hundred more.

there i go again. hazy daisy ain't we.

it's july. let's play a game. what were you doing this day last year? can you remember? when it comes to looking back, my memory never fails me. i look back so much i should've been born with my eyes at the back of my head. one year ago i was almost graduating from my first feature film production as trainee script continuity. and sooooo looking forward to the end of that harrowing experience (nothing like the feeling of being an arbitrary appendage in the team to make you want to detach yourself from everything else) that's one of those memories that i wouldn't want to dwell on.

what was i doing this day, two years ago? ooh. i had my own desk. my very own space in the world. i was an office-girl who'd find escape from those gray office walls by smoking a cigarette through the conference room window every five pee-em everyday. and semi-in love (as always) with an unconventional cutie one floor below. i found sleeping quarters every workday in a boarding house s stone's throw away from the office. and every night i would lull myself to sleep with the cutie's little riffraffs on my walkman.

(footnote: the "cutie" is no longer a cutie in this beeyatch's dictionary--funny what i actually saw in him back then, physically)

now the unconventional cutie is married with kids, and i haven't seen him in quite a while--except when i would chance upon his chewing gum commercial on tv. the last time i saw him (at the cafeteria, some two weeks ago) i greeted him by singing the commercial jingle. his reaction to my greeting further convinced me that this guy had most probably known all along. aw she-et. i had tried so hard to hide my little "schoolgirl thingie" for him back then pero halata rin naman pala.
i was the worst actress of 2003!

three years ago on july 12, i was two weeks old on the office job. fresh out of college. i went on to last for over a year and quarter on that job--the longest job i'd held on to in my young working existence.

which brings me back to a very relevant topic: why do i keep falling for the wrongest choices? i will always go back to that eternal question for as long as i never learn.

"never learn", haha.
four years ago on july 12, well--surprise, surprise--i was reeling from a semi-heartbreak. for someone who's never been in a real soul-to-soul relationship i probably hold a world record for the most number of heartbreaks (duh, so "heartbreak" might be entirely subjective...take comfort in that fact, frog princess you ain't seen the worst yet). and i was juggling a broken heart with preproduction work on my first film. nothing else was more important to me than my first film at that time. but the person who "broke" my heart really came a close second.

(footnote: the "person" mentioned above, by the way, is also married now--dang what's with these people?)

the last time that i got in touch with him--the first time since three years ago, as well--was last week. twas about business, of course--as if i would even want or hope for anything else, ayt. but then it was still amusing to note: four years ago my cellphone was my umbilical cord to this person. it served that main function.
que horror.

six years ago on july 12 i was probably in broadcomm class, listening to the fat prof droning on and on about broadcasting blah-blahs. just my luck that i was classed in with an entire broadcomm block (who seemed to be pretty exclusive, no doubt). my luck as well that i got to sit right next to that fresh-faced boy-next-door type one time and realized that he could actually be the love of my life in another time and place. haha.

i sat there with that thought in mind. i could sense his discomfort throughout that hour-and-a-half class--discomfort over my discomfort, probably?--and it was a moment that i probably will never forget. that moment of discomfort. it was the first sign.

after that semester i quickly forgot him. people walk in and out of your life. how many forgettable people have i been in the same class with at one time or another? but on july 12 five years ago i was in the same class with him again. sans his blockmate clique. haha. talk about serendipity...but not quite. i will always go back to that moment of discomfort. it was a revelation, a dead giveaway.

wouldn't you know, though. this is such a small world. today is july 12. and guess who i'm going to sit next to tomorrow.

i wonder what i'm going to be july 12 of next year. maybe i wouldn't be writing on this blog anymore. maybe i'd be making a feature length indie movie. or traveling to the states. maybe i'd be earning more money than i ever did. or meeting the love of my life. and maybe, boy-next-door would be relegated to being just another name in my cellphone directory. just as i would be to him.

but one thing for sure: this one wouldn't end up married. haha. as if that would make me feel better, ayt.

for all i know, one subconscious-driven reason that i bookmarked july 12 is that it would be the date of my death, fifty, forty, thirty years from now. leslie cheung never really knew the date of his death, did he.

ooh. how morbid shmorbid.