Friday, April 28, 2006

week one: paperwork

day seven in saigon. the work has started, at least where meetings and heavier paperwork are concerned. i'm actually glad that i'm busy, compared to the first few "settling down" days. when you're busy, the homesickness goes away.

these past two days work would start at 9 am and carry on til 8 or 9 in the evening. day-long directorial discussions with the stars in some spiffy Saigon Hotel called The Park Hyatt. tweet-twoot. when you're inside one of its suites you realize that there IS a world-of-the-wealthy out there...until you actually look out the window and see the third-world streets of Saigon. haha. that's not dissin it, cause it is, somehow, beautiful. in a strange, familiar way.

like manila.

ahhh! home! miss ko na kayooooo....

miss ko na si...
pati na rin si...
at syempre, si...

there's still a meeting later this evening. i'm back to creative-assistant mode. haha. that was my first job in the cinema industry. four long years ago, which lasted for about a year-and-a-half until i decided that i'd had enough of paperwork and resigned. now i'm back to familiar modus operandi. minute-taking. script-critiquing. paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.

i don't mind. i'm in vietnam. in less than a week i'll be working on the field. venturing through new adventures. plus the direk likes what i'm doing. knock-on-wood. i would rather be here than anywhere.

well, except home. hahah.

or hongkong. or paris. or rome. or london. heehaw.

truth is, i miss home a lot, but i'm dreading the day when i will have to go home and face a problem that was there before i left. dreading it, badly. just remembering it makes me want to forget it again and busy myself with the things-to-do here.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

saigon sourpuss

i'm officially 26 today. it sucks. getting older and all. 26-year-olds used to be my titos, titas, and teachers. i don't feel it. and man, do i hope that i still don't look it. haha. vain beeyatch.

getting older is not the only thing that sucks about turning 26. it's turning 26 away from your family, away from home, having to spend the birthday with people you hardly know. at least one canadian guy has said that birthdays mean sooo much to girls and that a guy shouldn't forget those things. i told him that i don't give a s***t about my birthday, i'm more concerned about getting older. sheesh, i hate it when people generalize. especially when they're boys and they're generalizing girls.

well, it turns out that i was going to spend my first hour as a 26-year-old in the company of these two boys--my Pinoy companion NB(the only other Pinoy in this far-off lonely land) and the (generalizing) Canadian guy. apparently they didn't believe me when i said that i wasn't so hot about celebrating my birthday. Girls, I could almost hear the Canadian guy say, when they say no they're really saying yes. Haha.

They decided to take me out for drinks downtown. aw sweet. it would've been impolite and unappreciative of me to not go along with the plan-for-the-night, even if i would've opted to just stay home until the clock struck 12. dour way to hit 26, not to mention totally predictable of my personality. ha-ha-ha!

sigh. it was a semi-long night. we went to this bar where 60% of the people were foreigners (the Viets have a 1am curfew, and most local establishments close at this time). i didn't enjoy it. sourpuss birthday girl. but there was nothing that i wanted more than to be with the people i love at that hour.

happy birthday frog princess. i do hope the Boyfriend has whipped up something really good for you today. something to make it a really happy birthday.

hay!!!! a hundred thousand miles away and my thoughts are still with you-know-who. you're here for the work, mushy-Mary, wag mo namang sayangin ang pinunta mo dito. work work work. go get to work, set aside the i-miss-yous for later. that's the only way you're goin home with a smile.

lift your head, baby don't be scared, of the things that could go wrong along the'll get by, with a smile..

in fairness, pwedeng personal anthem. thanks, BK, for giving me that E-heads compilation as a birthday gift. hinehele nya ko every night. sure, sobrang naho-homesick ako pag nakikinig ako, but aside from my occasional trips to the internet shop those pinoy songs are my only link to home.

man, i'm soooo homesick. and soooo dang mushy.

pati tuloy mga text msgs ni BK, nami-miss ko. those 1am "nytznytzzzz" and "lights out, sleep tightzzz" (hahaha! ang lala nya talaga). hay, grabe na ito. siguro ganito lang talaga pag di pa busy. in two days i probably won't even have time to go to the internet shop.

i miss fg. so dang much.

the Boyfriend better make this a happy birthday for you, or i'm gonna take that against him. haha.

Monday, April 24, 2006

chao, saigon!

my post yesterday...

day 4 in saigon, vietnam. a lot to tell from the moment i stepped on that plane, even way before that (aaaah don't wanna go there, traumatic experience), but i'll stick to the essentials.

our film shoot is on the 4th of may--ten days away. these past four days have been relatively light. lots of time to settle in, see the city, have a taste of the local food and culture, in between finish paperwork on the side. the usual anxiety is there, as i'll be working with a whole new bunch of strangers (and foreigners, at that) and in an alien place at that. but that will easily go away. have faith, walk by faith.

random tidbits about saigon:
1. it's almost like the philippines, except for the vietnamese billboards and the local transportation (scooters, bikes, and cyclos are dominant modes of transpo here). you go to one place and you see divisoria. you go to another, you see raon. and where we live, the compound can double for any generic tenement in pasig or sta. mesa. ngek. pero hindi naman sya mukhang motel. hehe. better version of a BLISS compound, actually.
2. scooters are the primary mode of transportation here, over cars/buses/taxis. you go to any random thoroughfare, laging bumabaha ng mga scooters. cyclos (the modern-day version of a rickshaw) are the viet counterpart of our local karitela.
3. 98% of the vietnamese i've met so far do not speak english. 1% speak and understand english poorly. we've been having a hard time, ordering at restaurants and giving directions to cab drivers. amusing, though. it makes me want to learn the language.
4. 16,000 dong = 1 dollar = 51+ pesos. mas mayaman pa rin tayo sa vietnam, kahit konti.
5. the cuisine is generally sumptuous. a lot closer to the chinese than to ours--noodles, rice, seafood and meat, frogs, etc. sauteed, grilled, or boiled. i don't know what else they put in, but the food does have a strong aroma...and i can't say i like it. ambaho! para kang naglakad sa kahabaan ng chinatown...di ko nga mapinpoint kung anong klaseng amoy yon. and most streets here smell like that, especially when there are restos and/or eateries nearby.
6. most people here are small and slender, with features the same as those of us pinoys. i've been mistaken for being vietnamese enough times (the plumpish figure is a giveaway, though. hehe). the girls are generally pretty (think of those angel locsin/heart evangelista types), but i think most of the guys might need to groom up/bathe a bit. hahaha. ang sama ko, no?
7. despite the language barrier, vietnamese are friendly. everyone is just so congenial. they may not understand you, you may not understand what they're saying, but they're always willing to extend a hand or at least give you a smile.

hay. turista mode. but not for long. will be very preoccupied starting this wednesday. the first three days i've been homesick a lot of times. especially at night, retiring to my room, listening to the pinoy songs on my cd. miss home. miss my family. miss everyone.

snapshots from a day-long sojourn:
a pagoda

buddha statues inside the pagoda

sitar-playing god?

saigon dragons

this is what a typical saigon street looks like...from behind

one day before the 26th birthday. i'll be here with strange new friends. happy birthday na lang uli sa mga ka-birthday ko. haha.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

naughty or nice

pano ka ba naman makaka-move on. if the immediate past keeps haunting you. if there are loose ends that need tying up. wala ka na, aalis ka na nga e. pero di ka pa rin talaga matatahimik.

not that i could blame anyone. pray na lang ako.

hay. at kung kelan ka naman aalis, tsaka naman magsusulputan ang mga kung sinich-sinich. all of a sudden nagbabantang maging active ang social life mo. anubayun. basta ba no strings. training na rin yan sa pakikihalubilo sa iba't ibang tao.

words are cheap, and anyone can easily toss out a lie if they think it will be to their advantage. like that little white lie of someone saying he "doesn't have a girl". hah. it's on my top ten list of male-related pet peeves. but i'm just amused by this person's bravura, how he can actually make that pronouncement of a lie like he was actually telling the truth. scary. the persistence fascinates me, though. risque case. at least he bends conventions. and no corny jokes to boot.

the nice ones are boring, the naughty ones are intriguing. haha. i really am too screwed up for this.

nonetheless. firewalls are up from all angles. it's a court trial of some sort. they're all guilty by default unless proven otherwise. you play along with it, you're entering a war zone, and you're on the defensive. don't let the ammunition get to you. don't trust. don't invest. ride along, be liberal enough for due process, but maintain the firewalls.

hay. i'm still bothered. lord, please solve the problem for me. please lord. that solved, i can focus on the present work.

have faith, walk by faith.

usapang tung

bothered by something. i can only pray. pray, pray, that the problem will solve itself. that god will solve the problem for me.

have faith, walk by faith. lord kayo nang bahala.

i'm planing out tomorrow afternoon. bilis naman ng mga pangyayari. it should've been on the 24th, but they wanted it earlier. when back then i was somekinda excited by the prospect of spending the birthday away from home, now it's making me somekinda sad. spending it with strangers yet. not receiving birthday SMS's from the ka-birthdays and the like. haha. assuming na they'd actually bother. the five people i know who share the same birthday--and that includes Al Pacino--are not exactly close friends.

binati ko na in advance yung isa. kasi alam kong wala ako dito pag nag-birthday sya. ilang beses ko na ba syang binabati ng advanced happy birthday? obvious naman atang hindi ko nakakalimutan. na magka-birthday kami. hay guia, advanced happy birthday na lang, sensya na sa kakukulit ko. pareho pa tayo ng year of birth. how romantically coincidental. sayang hindi tayo tung. haha!

hala...kasalanan maging tung sa Born Again faith...kasalanan din ba ang tung jokes? oy bluey wag kang ganyan...dahil sa isang prayer session driven by the Born Again faith kaya ka aalis ngayon...sinecure ni lord ang slot mo sa eroplanong aalis bukas. kaya enough of those tung jokes, ok.

teka, one last. actually, tung ako. in the sense na laging nagkakataong gurlaloo ang nagugustuhan ko. haha, punchline. gasgas na gasgas na yan. that's so very kew-pids era. okay, tama na.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

hazy daisy, yet again

gawd, i feel so guilty.

i hate it when i had to do things like that. i didn't want to. but i couldn't. but still. i did. and should they harbor grudges towards me, i wouldn't be surprised. i would completely understand.

guilt. it's the worst feeling in the world.

which leads me to reminisce on...

My Top 10 Worst-Feeling Moments in Recent Memory
(in no particular order)
* waking up to realize that it's 4pm...and you were supposed to report for work five hours earlier.
* accidentally discovering the Art of Distrust.
* realizing that what you've come to believe as truth is no longer the truth. (hah. can i get any vaguer than this?)
* getting dizzy over too much nicotine in the bloodstream.
* rushing to finish the a time when every damn second matters.
* being reminded of your non-normalcy. (arghhh. the worst)
* making mistakes.
* getting bothered by the absence of something that used to be there...when you have no right or reason to be bothered at all.
* discovering a painful, ugly truth. (i always had to smoke each time this happened)
* having your worst fears actually come to life. (this. is. the worst.)

but why do we have to dwell on the ugly feelings, right? not healthy, bluey. let's focus on these instead...

My Top Ten Best-Feeling Moments in Recent Memory:
* laughing with someone you really, really like.
* reciprocated affection, whether real or imagined.
* being by the sea in the morning...a feast for the sensories.
* stumbling upon a story idea that works/might work.
* getting high and hyper with ideas while shooting your own film.
* being able to wear those tight old jeans (comfortably!) again.
* hitting the right notes on videoke.
* laughing with friends.
* spending hard-earned money on your favorite things.
* dinner-talks with Papa. i miss those!

okay. tomorrow is another day. my departure for Saigon has been moved three days earlier--which means I'll have to leave on Friday, April 21. so many things to prepare for still. dang. the paperwork just keeps...coming. and the things to bring for the trip. i don't even have a list right now. i figure i might have to finish the paperwork first. and then on wednesday, i'll cram for the travel necessities.

last time i travelled out of the country was july last year. one-day trip to hongkong, for the kilig show. that didn't take much packing. but the longest trip i had was actually just 12 days.

anyway, about tomorrow. i don't know. things that just stumble your way should simply be taken in stride. be mature about it. don't squirm or run away, but don't embrace it too much either. just...chill. that's what you wanted, right. so that's what you're gonna get.

we're all transients in each other's lives, anyway.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

and the heavens are alive again

the rain was a blessing. thank god.

after an unbelievably hot Holy Weekend, he gives us rain on Easter Sunday. someone must've been praying for it.


lotsa paperwork to do. as in, now na. work is taking me to saigon, vietnam. knock on wood, sana nga tuloy na tuloy na. 50 days on a shoot, with a multi-racial cast, staff, and crew. hoo, scary. but i'm hoping for the best. might leave earlier than originally expected, so everything must be put on fast track. little things. like preparing luggage. and finishing the paperwork. and buying an extra chopstick for my hair, in case the weather's gonna be as hot over there as it is here. and preparing my mind for the entirely new work/lifestyle setup of the next 50+ days.

need all the prayers i can get. will be praying a lot, too.


bubble burster last night. another case example of my own prankster's actions boomerangin' on me. oh well. as if i didn't know that already. so much for "shet kinilig ako dun a" and a thousand other duh-like statements i've written here before.


don't trust.

all of them were pulled out from the same rib. it will take more than words, because words are cheap, but what the actions say--and do not say--tell you more.

flashback 2002. i'd been badly scalded by pure blind faith. stubborn mind that i was, it was very difficult for me to un-believe what i'd been led to be believe.

so be careful what you believe in. for self-preservation.


went shopping yesterday. hindi talaga ko ma-shopping na tao, pero sa sobrang tagal na di ko to nagawa (thanks to the hectic sked from the previous job), natuwa tuloy ako masyado. most of the items were necessities for the trip, but there were a few odd items that were purely luho. haha. i'm a splurger for punishment.

favorite items on the shopping cart:

* dark blue skechers sneakers - the color goes with nearly all kinds of outfits. balik na naman ako sa sneakers and t-shirts! ahlavet!

* two pairs of functional shorts - perfect for very hot days on the field. hindi naman ako ma-shorts na tao when i go out pero the heat might be too unbearable for thick jeans.

* a pair of jogging pants - to add to my fave (overused) pair of adidas sweatpants. it's the best outdoor alternative to jeans, next to shorts. kaso mainit din e.

* a flesh wooden chopstick - the better alternative to hair clamps, pony tails, and clips. gentle on the hair AND fashionably oriental, too. haha!

* a pair of reflector shades - hindi rin ako ma-shades na tao, but who knows what kind of sun beats down on that part of the pacific? better sure than sorry. :-P

haha. halata bang excited?

Saturday, April 15, 2006

the gift of pictures

shet, kinilig ako dun a.

hay naku. tama na nga. magtu-26 ka na. iwanan mo na ang puberty.

what a perfect caption. (tragedy-of-)nature boy. nonetheless, beautiful. your mom must be proud of you. seeing you everyday, realizing that she and your dad must have done something right to produce someone just so dang...beautiful.


incidental lang ako sa picture, tulad ng pagiging incidental ko sa buhay mo. alam ko namang kung napagilid-gilid lang ako ng konti eh ika-crop mo rin ako. haha. okay lang. masyado lang sigurong boring ang araw na to, kaya natuwa ako masyado.

nonetheless. i'm glad for that. like how i'm glad for the bit part i've played in your life. a little above a walk-in role, baka nga wala pang speaking lines. oks lang rin. lead role pa rin ang papel mo sa pansamantalang buhay ko.

haha. anuba, ang corny. 25 going on 15 ba ito.


almost 12 noon. this is turnin out to be a booooring day.

it's black saturday. 10 days to go before takeoff time. i'm scared, as i always am before any new adventure (and boy, dare i predict that this new project is going to bring in a lot of "firsts"--of the pleasant/wholesome/happy kind, i pray), but i trust the lord that he will be with me every step of the way. because he knows that i'm taking on this job with the best intentions at heart.

50 days. daunting. it's something i haven't done before, in a way, yet something i have already done for a number of times. so what's there to fear. i'll be fine.

10 days before the birthday. i will officially be in my late 20s. now that's what i call truly daunting. for the first time ever, i'm scared of growing old.

friend monj says that that kind of fear is something you'll outgrow. maybe. i used to be 16 and complained of not being old enough. i used to be 23 and never gave a thought to my age. now i'm turning 26. and realizing that it is true, indeed, when people would say that they're not getting any younger.

nah, they're just numbers. let's just tell that to ourselves each time we're reminded. haha!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

a midsummer night's dream

ang iniiiit. hoo!

i guess that Sun-and-Sea Dream Vacation will have to wait til the next summer. okay lang. all in the name of a new adventure. even the prospect of spending my birthday away from home somekinda excites me.

sana, sana nga.

my only cause of rue about working this summer is that tending to the Personal Project might have to wait. really sad. because that's what's truly important, apart from the more mundane concerns of this daily (pseudo)existence. beyond the present, the immediate future, the next meal or the next paycheck. that's what should really matter, and that's what i've been setting aside for years now.

too afraid. too afraid.

kaya nga gusto kong pumunta ng beach. para ma-"inspire", kuno. to clear the mind of cobwebs and white noise, of toxins from the immediate past, to redirect and refocus. kaso hindi pa yata panahon. and in a way thankful ako. the comfort-seeking segurista in me is somekinda relieved. that there's a convenient reason for me to procrastinate again, to set aside the Labor of Love for later.

but don't get me wrong, Lord. if there would be a really valid excuse to set aside the Personal Project it would be this. it's an answered prayer. speedy reply, thanks to you. praise, praise you.

holy week na pala. haha. two nights ago i attended a fellowship session with Born Again Christians. everyone except the two "counsellors" was Catholic so it was cool. no "conversion" agendas. i said yes to it because i haven't been "spiritually" active in the past several years. i hardly go to mass these days (thank work, thank exhastion, thank sheer laziness), and my prayers aren't exactly regular and "in-depth", if you know what i mean. so i've been feeling the need for some soul food for quite some time now. some enlightenment, maybe. maybe with a little of that the cobwebs would clear and the white noise would ease up, and i'd be a clean slate again. haha. good luck.

i really admire the zealousness of these two counsellors. one was my peer/co-worker before and she's one of the nicest people i've come across in recent life. but some ideologies that they espouse didn't well with me. like homosexuality being a sin (a "sickness", they regretfully admit). and women having to be "submissive" to their husbands (i almost couldn't believe my ears when i heard it...i thought new interpretations of the Scriptures would be a lot more open-minded than that). i know these are already familiar issues raised against the Born-Again faith but to hear it from people who strike me as intelligent and open-minded somehow unsettles me. i personally believe that God is a lot more liberal--and accepting--than that. and that the Bible, in all its sacredness, was still translated and interpreted by man. which lends itself to subjectivity. but that's just me.

hay holy week. the bus stations, piers, and resorts outtatown will be packed for the next several days so i'll be staying home. working. praying for good things and good outcomes. and happy sunny friendly adventures in the great outdoors. been gaining a little "vacation" weight, been back to the "vampiric" ways, but i'm a lot happier. not absolutely happy, not absolutely fulfilled just yet, but happy.

happy. i lurve that word!

well, well. borakid's still at it, but i'll bet my last paycheck that he'd be over it by the end of the summer. i'm gullible in a lot of ways except in these kinds of things. i know these kinds of guys. they will court the girl like there's no tomorrow but trust me, they eventually get over their little schoolboy crushes almost as fast as they developed them. and, basing it from previous experience, they can tell really corny jokes. hah.

funny movie-ish dialogue on a slow afternoon:
him: anong birthday mo?
me: (says the date)
him: kita mo, ako (tells his birthday date). pareho tayong taurus!
me: a ok. eh may tatalo pa ba sa (coincidence ng) dalawang taong pareho ng birthday? si ___ kabirthday ko.
him: (thinks for a moment) oo nga talo ko don a! pareho kayo ng year?
me: hindi. 1980 ako.
him: o ako din 1980. tayo pareho ng year!

hay, this guy's too funny. he turns me into a full-fledged beeyatch. and, speaking of beeyatch, i'm reminded of fg, who's probably gonna be celebrating verrrry soon.

i turned a year old, and you were being born. it used to be a happy-sad coincidence, but now it's just plain amusing. i laugh about it alone, whenever i remember. i used to laugh about it, even in your company before. won't be around to greet you. i wonder if you'd remember to greet me. maybe not.

hay, mishu, nonetheless. with fondness, not with sadness. no one can make me laugh the way you
can. pure glee. HAHAHA.

everytime he cracks a joke in that trademark quiet, sarcastic fashion. everytime he laughs at something (or someone! bad talaga), i find myself cracking up. he endears himself to me a little more, each time he makes me laugh.

yea, yea. still stuck on hopeless cases. whatever. for all i know i'm just too afraid to leave a safe place. maybe i'm psycho case 101. maybe i'm in lurve with ideals too much. maybe i lurve him to much. maybe "he" is no longer a person, but just an image. or maybe i'm just lesbo, and they were right. hah.

nothing compares, still. no one probably ever will, which settles just fine with me. for the time being.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

yes, i'm the duchess of mush. boohoo.

and last night was the big goodbye. i told the bigwigs that i was leaving. "anxious" was a mild word for what i'd gone through as i was on my way to Da Haus--i didn't know how to approach them about my resignation.

but everything went nicely. too nicely, in fact, that my distrust radar started twitching. one thing i learned about this whole house-arrest experience, apart from the work and the politics, was a li'l somethin' about human nature. not all people will say what they really mean. on the other hand, words are cheap, and at times
may not mean anything more than empty protocol.

nonetheless. i told myself that after tonight everything will be water under the bridge, so to speak. life goes on. at 7 pm i formally resigned. then afterwards i partied. hoo-ha.

everyone was there, from the cameramen to the staff to the celebrities, right inside
the "set" where the show happened. no cameras following us around, but there were food, drinks, a band playing, dancing, singing on the signature Magic Sing, photo-ops, hugs, kisses, goodbyes. all the unpleasantness brought about by work, the memories of those dreary marathons and vigils, the fire- and ice-storms, were temporarily forgotten. it was easy for me to turn off everything else and concentrate on the night, on the moment, on the happy company.

happy. i lurve that word. most overused word in this blog.

as the night deepened the crowd started loosening up. stiff-collared people were transforming into Dance Floor Dynamites and Divas, stripping down to bare dance-ssentials, getting sweaty and soused. woohoo. so much laughter. dancing (with enough reserve, but much gusto!) with the newly-minted Party People. I especially love how Raging Bull danced--a classic! Spasmodic is the perfect word for it. and when "Dancing Queen" started playing he took me to the dance floor to do the swing. i was horrible, but i was laughin althroughout.

on one side near the pool was a spontaneously set-up "tagay" nook with the TDs, the Engineering dudes and dudettes, and my favorite Mother Goose, pulling in everyone for a shot of some bitter concoction. init sa lalamunan! and after each tagay they'd cheer for you as if you had just accomplished some gargantuan task. i only took one and never took another again. di ko kinaya. i stayed in that nook for a while to get a few snapshots with them. My favorite crew in the entire machinery. The Control Room is my favorite chillin place in Da Haus.

inside the living room the Magic Sing was in party mode. And so i and a coupla friends flocked to where the singin was, videoke addicts that we are...and we eventually monopolized the show. haha! keber pa kung nagngangangawa kami dun with the bossings and the celebrities within a ten-meter radius. it was also a blast singing along with the editors--we've never really had a chance to bond with them during the entire season. and i was happy enough being in the company of my videokemates from way-back-when. and everyone else was almost a blur, except for one.

through this lens, he was vivid, aglow, almost in slow-mo. haha. corny. but the memory of that moment was something to take with me for many days to come. even singing duets with him meant little compared to the very fact that he was just there.
the same little details that make up a chunk of memory. three days ago i'd been pissed enough to want to swear off his (semi)friendship for good, but everything seems so easily forgivable. and forgettable. dang it.

we took pictures of everything and everyone--every part of Da Haus, every celeb that we come across. cam whores, we are. hehe! made it a point to take pictures of me and my favorite workmates, from RB to Mother Goose to, yes, FG (but the picture wasn't that flattering. grrrr).

around 1 am.
happy drunks abound, getting thrown into the garden pool fully-clothed, getting drenched over with booze, doing marathon dancing onstage. i was a bit tipsy myself, and at least one co-worker had attempted to throw me into the pool (and dang, did i fight it! hah!). all in good spirits, everyone was hugging one another. more than fifty laborious days melting away in a series of warm, sincere hugs. awwwst.

we voluntarily exited Da Haus at around 2 am, and waited outside for a final goodbye to the big bossing. he was a little soused already; if he weren't he wouldn't have been blatantly pairing me off with another co-worker, on the spot. nakakarating pala ang ganyang mga intriga hanggang sa kataas-taasang position of power? it's depressing. because nothing's sacred or secret at all. for that one reason i'm even
gladder that it's over.

truth to tell, it's nothing to get overly disturbed about, but i'm a bit bugged by the attention being given by Borakid the entire night. not that i couldn't stand him,i just couldn't stand the attention. i run away from those things. the clingy, coming-on-as-too-serious kind of behavior. out of nowhere, someone you're hardly friends with professes stuff that you'd only read about in cheesy romance paperbacks.

and i feel slightly guilty about my reaction. i know. it's rude. because no one deserves cold treatment, especially when they've openly expressed affection. been on the giving end way too many times to know how it feels. but right at this point i can't imagine him being any more than just a passing entity in my life. maybe it can change, maybe it won't. but right now "casual" and "light" are my favorite words.

ewan ko. baka nga screwed up lang talaga ko. all i know is that i'm focused on one thing. i should be. because i've set it aside for way too long. i'm just glad that i've said goodbye to this chapter.

maybe, after a year of distancing, when i get to look back to this point in my life again i'll be able to see things from an objective perspective and realize that because the Great Machine is on a 24/7 grind, everyone has to keep up with it. everything has to serve the purpose of maintaining it, feeding it, tending to it. and protecting it.

and since the Great Machine is a significant part of an ever Greater Machine, all systems go talaga, each time. do everything to the extreme for the greater good. there are gods and there are cogs, and even smaller bolts and nuts, but in the final analysis, everyone is a, well, Slave to the Machine. willing, or otherwise.

maybe in a year's time i'll be able to realize, too, that at the end of the day, it really all comes down to being in the right place at the right time. and being happy with what you're doing.

right now i think the right place for me is the beach. and i'll be nothing less than a happy person if i could just pack my bags, get away, and soak myself in calm blue waters. hay i've been saying that for the upteenhundredth time.

3 am. the big bossing was still at it. lecturing two or three of his celeb minions about "career pathing". aww. i lurve this bossing. he's so fatherly. of course, he has his days, but compared to the others, he's basically a laidback darling. hah.
i've said that about someone before and now the Machine has killed the darling in her. i ate my words.

and there came Holly, out of Da Haus. it was one of those midnight conversations that spurred me to think about resigning, and one of these days i'm goin to thank him for that. sometimes it has to take an outsider to tell you things about yourself.

him: will you be back next season?
me: no.
him: (not surprised) have you told them yet?
me: yes. bakit? anong issue?
him: (enigmatic smile) wala lang. just curious.
me: yeah, i told them.
him: so...goodbye.
me: not goodbye, just see you later, you know that.

owst. uma-item ang mga upsound. he said nothing, ran his fingers through my hair,
only to get stuck in the tangles at the ends. haha.

parang spoof ng shampoo commercial. next time saffron, mag-rejoice ka. para walang sabit, okei. haha. fitting metaphor.

as Holly was walking away i said aloud to my companion, "kumusta naman yon, sumabit ang kamay ni Holly sa buhok ko." and we laughed. haha-laugh. i knew he heard it, i knew that he was probably silently laughing about it, too. i remember his comment before about my hair being "in clumps" whenever i was working. well dude, it was 2 am and i'd done some serious sweaty partying. so gimme a break, okei. hehe.

hwell. time to start over again. this time around, level up. go beyond the comfort zone. conquer that stifling feeling of facing a blank phosphorus screen. for the time being, til the next project begins.

after leaving Da Haus some of us trooped to the nearest watering hole for a Part 2 of the inuman. sakit sa ulo, but fun. this was the same place we'd been to last time, but the last time was happier because fg was around. yey. summer sunshine. bright spot. happy thought. okray beeyatch. never really got to say goodbye to you. you did a french exit. i've done my rounds but it's somekinda sad, not having been able to give a goodbye hug to the one i'd probably miss the most.

awwwst. mushy to the nth power.

never really left, have i. it's the same point, but on a different plane. at least. nag-eevolve. kahit papano. no i-miss-you aftermaths. just "see-ya-later-sister"s.

well. time to send all that to the archives. and level up for the history books. huwaaw.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

back to the vampiric ways

6 am this morning and i was still up. if i hadn't passed up the beach outing, wouldve been waking up to the smells of the virgin sea by then. sigh. but it was necessary to stay.

i wonder how it went. wanna go to galera before i start working again. it's not the best place to chill in the summer, what with the rest of manila trooping over there as well, but i haven't been there yet. i'm a sucker for new places. and galera's the most accessible, cheapest sunspot that's closest to a "beach paradise" that i know. nearly everyone i know has been there, and no bleak horror stories about it so far.

so it's galera one of these days. before i turn 26.

not having taken photos of sun, sand, and sea, took snapshots of this guy instead:

hay! sarap ng buhay bata.

Monday, April 03, 2006

how do you spell B-I-T-C-H in gay script?

a few minutes ago.
i got pissed. because of something that someone said. to add to the stuff that he has said, two nights ago. what i do or don't do is MY business. people can judge my actions whichever way they want, i don't friggin care. but i don't deny that it annoys me sometimes.

and of all people na magsasabi ng mga ganung bagay, sila pa.

two nights ago.
during a game of spin the bottle, someone tossed out a question to Borakid. "anong nagustuhan mo kay saffron, considering na si saffron saffron?"

guised as a joke, like most of his pang-ookrays are. but i know this person too well to know that all of his jokes are half-meant.

i know i should've taken it in stride, and at the moment i did. words are cheap, anyway. cheap but powerful. because even the most carelessly, thoughtlessly tossed out words can hurt people's feelings. if he weren't such a favorite person, i wouldn't have given a friggin SHIT. but sorry, i'm not stupid enough to not be able to read what's behind the words. you're not transparent, but your jokes reveal a lot more of what you think than you would probably know. that's the first thing that anyone should know about you.

complete your sentence, pretend i wasn't there. what did you actually mean to say? hey dude, what's with you, what did you ever see in HER? isn't it bad enough that you know that i saw something in YOU before, and that you didn't--and do NOT--give a shit? i know it's not your fault. it's not your fault, either, that i'm hurt about the fact that you think it's such a BIG surprise that people would see something in someone like me.

not your fault, pero sana hindi ko na lang na-gets kung ano ang gusto mong sabihin. sana hindi ko na lang narinig kung anong sinabi mo.

in the middle of it all he told me, ano ka ba saffron, bakit ayaw mo? . now i'm realizing that it actually means "bakit ka nagpapakipot", in sugar coating. now that's the reason why no matter how much i wanted to, how i SO BADLY WANTED to make exceptions, i couldn't fully trust him. because he's part of the whole showblitzy world that we're all in. he belongs there. he doesn't tell you what he really wants to say. he's a master at euphemisms. i know people like that, and it's heartbreaking to discover that there's another one to add to the list.

if you think he's such a catch, then why don't YOU take him. oh, i forgot, you're too good for anybody. given the way that you see the guy, if you think that that's all i'll ever amount to, that no one else more fitting might come my way, then you can just step out, get your ass out of here, and go to hell. i don't need your condescension. i don't need your sarcasm.

friends don't do that. my friends do not. so that must mean that i had thought wrongly about you all along.

for the record, sister, Borakid is not so bad. it was just that he's not you. how stupid of me. to even take that against him. and how stupid of me, too, to think that no one could ever measure up to someone like you.

S-T-U-P-I-D in gay bold script.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

it's O-VAH!


Nonetheless, I'm gonna miss a few things about life in the war zone. A few things, a few people.

Checklist for Big ByeBye Wishes:



3. a happy glowing moment to remember with the former Favorite Person.

4. a group picture with everyone.


6. a solo picture with the Frog Princess.




7. a light, ngarag-proof, stress-free day tomorrow.

8. a happy glowing moment to remember with the Frog Princess.

Potang to. Bakit ba may mga taong pinapanganak na katulad mo. Minamahal ng lahat! Pati mga lalakeng may apat na panganay na. pati mga mature na bading na supposedly stable na ang domestic life. pati mga babaeng may asawa't anak na. mga matatalinong tao, mga edukado, mapa-babae o mapa-lalake. pati ata yung mamang tumatambay sa luneta na nakakita sa yo kagabi, gusto kang i-book. aba aba. iba na talaga ang nagpapa-derma. huma-heartthrob na masyado.

Dapat sa mga katulad mo hindi na nagiging bitchy. the world has been very good to you. at least man lang tapatan mo ng compassion. at kabaitan, hindi lang sa mga "fans" mo, kundi sa lahat ng tao in general. hindi kasi bagay sa itsura kung magiging bitch ka sa loob. payong kaibigan lang. luv pa rin naman kita kahit bitchy ka. tapos ako ang sasabihan mo ng bitchy, eh mas bitchy ka pa sa kin. sundin ko kaya ang request mo at hagisan kita ng asido sa mukha? para matapos na rin ang "kalbaryo" mo sa mga fans mo, at para matauhan ka na rin?

Bumibitter-bitteran ang lola, ano? EH KASI NAMAN THE WORLD IS UNFAIR. we all deserve to love someone who will appreciate us. sila, ako, yung mama sa luneta. pero sa kabila ng lahat ng pambi-bitch ko dito, babatiin pa rin kita sa birthday mo. kahit hindi ka na kasama sa ginagalawan kong mundo by that time. kahit parte ka na naman uli ng (much-overrated, much-sentimentalized) past ko.

Bilog lang naman ang mundo, sister. magkakabungguan pa rin tayo one of these days. di ko lang alam kung magkakatrabaho pa tayo. siguro in time makakalimutan din kita, siguro next time magkita tayo wala na naman akong pakialam. just like before. pero chill lang ako dito. kasi ang layo na ng nilakbay ng emotional arc ko where my feelings for you are concerned. it's not the same. and from there, i'm sure saying byebye-for-now will bring me no pain. no dreary missin-you aftermaths. just happy
memories. kahit papano, naging friends din naman tayo.

Kahit bitchy ka. hmpf.

Anyway. so much to tell about the Last Day. but that will have to come later. there's a beach outing tomorrow and i have to be up early. i'm not sure if i'll enjoy the company, but i'm sure as hell excited about being near the sea again. even bought a digicam for the occasion. ahlavthis!

It cost me a bundle but i must say it's a good investment. i hope so. because for every centavo that went into that little gadget were days, nights, hours of work at the Control Room and in the Piecing-Together-Room. surviving those idiot boards and daily schedules. sitting through those overpopulated meetings, enduring fire and ice from warriors-in-the-warzone. etcetera, etcetera. so i'm lookin forward to lots of soul-feeding quality time with this beeyatchy little gadget, in exchange for the money i shelled out.

Sunset on the beach. shadows in the sand. glittering waters, nipa palms, shiny happy faces, and so much more.

Hay. i told a superior today about my resignation. i'm glad about the outcome of things. the temptation for the income i'll be giving up surged up a little at some point, but NO. just remember. just re-read the past 20 entries from this blog and you'll know that you made the right move, bluey blue.

One moment that i'll take with me after this experience was a moment that happened last night. before he left, a boss gave me these parting words: Don't let anybody break you. coming from him, whom i respect a little more than the immediates, it was a big comfort. the best words of encouragement that i'd ever had in the past few weeks. of course, he was a bit soused on san mig light when he said it, and for all i know he was actually saying those words to himself, but thank you sir. i think i will love you a little more for that.

Time for bed.