Sunday, January 24, 2010

haven't felt like this since '08..., scratch that. because in '08, i was depressed for very plausible reasons. but these past few days, i couldn't find a reason for this gripping, almost crippling feeling. and i feel helpless about it. maybe it's biochemical. all i know is i'm just sad and feeling low these past few days, and i can't help it. i can't even do anything about it.

ilang umaga nang masama ang gising ko. madaling uminit ulo ko. i'm a sensitive nerve. my patience easily runs short. and when on normal days i am more or less able to deal with stress in positive, productive ways, these days i just sleep on it. either that, or i freeze. stare into space. i sit on the things that need to be done. i'm wrapped in a cloak of gloom, and i behave passively, catatonically, counterproductively.

ngayon may concept paper akong deadline later tonight. pero natulog lang ako. ni ayaw kong maligo. wala kong ganang gumawa ng kahit ano. there must be a reason. or a handful of reasons. and i need to dredge these out of me, para ma-address at ma-process ko nang tama.

* * *

i hate keanna's babies. gumising ako kahapon ng umaga, at talagang nasira ang umaga ko. dahil dalawang PUSAKAL na kuting ang bumulaga sa akin. when i was expecting na siamese ang lalabas dahil pinakasta ko pa sa siamese tomcat (and that cost me P1000). kaya bad trip talaga ko. na-disappoint ako kay keanna. at galit na galit ako sa BUWISIT na pusakal ng lalakeng nakauna na naman sa kanya. BUWISIT TALAGA! grrr!

* * *

i'm addicted to bejeweled blitz. and it's becoming a threat to my normal life.

how do you deal with depression? you smoke. you take a bath. you write FOR YOURSELF, above all. you shove your irrational feelings at the back of your mind. you think of happy thoughts. and lastly, you play bejeweled blitz. so how's that for a convenient excuse?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

three-day breeze

jan 15, fri. presentation to client for the 1st corporate video. generally minimal, thank god. later, met with bosobear and he treated me to a sumptuous dinner at la mesa grill (sizzling chicken! la mesa liempo! tuna sisig!) and av@tar on 3D imax. loved the evening, seeing bosobear again after almost 2 weeks. gah. went home happy, but still, the burden of a deadline to meet loomed at the back of my mind.

jan 16, sat. met with co-writer n0reen for group liner-writing of our 2-week racket. functioning naman ako buong maghapon pero maigsi ang battery life ko that day. 10 pm pa lang, sabaw na ang utak. nagkataon pang nagsisimula pa lang kami ng liners for the week i'm writing at 10pm. we lagged on with sabaw heads til 5 am, sunday. hay. and we were supposed to submit our treatments later that same day.

jan 17, sun. istress with a big S. maigsing tulog, paggising bad trip. knowing na may deadline na kailangang habulin, and i still had no idea how to flesh out the last two days of the week i was assigned with. cliticlacked in front of the laptop all day and all night. trying to be in kiligbog (kilig+libog) mode and be sensible at the same time. at dahil wala nang oras, di na nakarir ang last two days na supposedly ay finale ng buong kwento. HAY. isang malaking HAAY. i emailed the pinis pradak at 12:30 in the morning. hating what i had done. knowing that my work where this project is concerned had only just begun, and there will be more in the coming days.

naisip ko bigla na ang swerte pala namin sa k@torse. kadalasan, isang beses lang kaming magsusulat. 1 draft, sweldo na agad. pero pag mag-isa ka na lang, at ikaw ang laging magfa-final draft, you will have to go through the whole drill by yourself. do everything. up to the last approved punctuation. only to get the dough at the end of the journey. kaya salamat, lord, for my k@torse group. sana bumalik na ang headwriter namin at makabalik na kami sa ganong masaya-sayang buhay.

still, thankful ako sa diyos, na nabigyan ako ng raket habang hindi pa nagsa-start ang project sa home unit. salamat po. sana naman ma-pull off namin nang maging masaya ang lahat.

went to bed at 1 am. early for nite-owl me. guess i'd been exhausted for the past two or three days.

jan 18, mon. woke up early. watched the golden globes in the morning. it's been a long time since i'd seen an awards show. na-miss kong makita ang mga movie stars outside of their movie personas. there were even movies that were featured in the show na hindi ako familiar, and i realized how far i'd lagged from my movie-buff status of 10years ago. haha.

today was supposed to be editing day, but was postponed for tomorrow. so rest day today, actually, having slept in the afternoon. love being home. love it when i see my cat all plump in the mid, her unborn babies growing by the day. we're all looking forward to the day she'll be giving birth. ang estimate ko, around this friday or the weekend. malapit na! sana tatlo at the least. better, apat! sana dalawang lalake at dalawang babae! o dalawang lalake at isang babae!

dropped by the grocery store to buy her more cat food. kailangan in her last few days of prenancy, mas lalo syang alaga sa nutrients for her babies.

jan 19, tue. editing day tomorrow at 5pm. i loved the gloomy day monday, btw. nice to cuddle up to yourself and sleep. i wish we'd have the same weather tomorrow, para masarap magtrabaho.

Friday, January 15, 2010

busy thursday

lots of things happened today. more than january 12, the supposed day of "happy surprises" (so my horoscope says), this day was actually it.

finalized the 1st corporate video this afternoon, in time for tomorrow's presentation. was all set to hit the mall for a little vanity visit--wax my legs, get a haircut, shop for a few necessities--and planned to be home by dinnertime.

in the middle of my leg waxing sesh i got a call from the creative head. wanted me to go to the office for a wonderful new racket. woohoo. i'd wanted this racket since december. and when the bossing had broached the subject two days ago, i had a good feeling about it. and then, halleluiah.

ka-pressure lang. dahil sunday ang deadline for a week's worth of treatment, at in a way, answerable kami sa dalawang unit--our unit, who recommended us, and the unit we're racketing for. huhu. lord, eto na naman po ako. praying for even just a tiny dint of your brilliance to drop on little old me. please, lord. stress ito, but like that personally memorably bloody week 14 in k@torse, i really really need your help...because there's no other choice but to pull off the job. passably, at the very least. pero kakapalan ko na ang mukha ko, magpe-pray ako sa inyo na sana naman lumabas siyang maganda. hindi lang passable...sana maganda. at sana, sana, sana...makaabot sa deadline.

waah. hindi ko alam kung tama ba ang desisyon ko. stress. stress, stress. hindi ito take one lang, for sure. wala pang direktor, kaya double stress, dahil once a director steps in, baka magkaroon pa ng dagdag na revisions according to direk vision. lord, please help me.

* * *

naiinis ako. everytime tinatanong nyo ko. naiinis ako, at no one in particular. or maybe at someone in particular. naiinis ako, at nararamdaman kong gusto kong bumitaw. emotionally.

parang gusto ko nga yon. dahil may nakausap ako tonight that just gave me a quotable quote re: the matter.

* * *

it was nice to do a little revisiting in the bee-bee haus. it's been three years since i had last gone there. nice to see former co-workers, too. maybe it felt too nice. tsktsk. danger.

* * *

caffeine is the bane of my existence at the moment. caffeine, and that. both make me restless. depressed. sleepless. and for that, i hate both of them equally.

* * *

stress over schedules. tomorrow afternoon's the presentation. in the evening, a date with AVAT@R. in the morning, doing the liners for the racket. kelangan matapos ko yon before the presentation. or at the latest, friday night. hay. good luck to me.

saturday. have to drop an editing session for the 2nd video to accommodate the new racket. will be meeting up with my co-writer to finalize the liners. then write the treatment asap. isang linggo nga pala ito, nakalimutan ko. nasanay kasi ako sa paisa-isang araw.

hay. lord, help me please.

* * *

isang linggo or less na lang, manganganak na ang baby ko. sana tatlo. or much better, apat. and i definitely expect all of them to look siamese. hmpf. enough pusakals in this house (putting foot down).

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


and i'm experiencing the slumps.

january 12, according to the stars, is supposed to be a bright, happy day. well, hindi naman ako binigo. there IS one thing to be happy about, and it was The Call.

happy about that, but i guess this depression is of the biochemical kind. levels of the happy hormones running low inside my brain. not supposed to be, the stars say. but at some point i did wonder if the stars could actually predict the day you will die. i wonder what a former classmate's horoscope read for this month. will it show in your horoscope if you're destined to kick the dust?

morbid shmorbid. not supposed to be that way. but i HATE it, absolutely HATE the feeling, when someone i know dies. that college classmate of mine was the most alive of 'em all. and then one day i visited his fb wall and all i could see were RIPs. it depressed me. sobra. what a way to learn the bad news. hindi naman kami close, at kahit at some point in my life naging crush ko siya, all that are just memories now. but i just feel so sad that he died so early. and so suddenly.

we are all so fragile. it depresses me to be reminded of that again. but i had two days to feel bad over it. i don't want to feel bad about it anymore. mas gusto ko na lang isipin na he's in a good place now, cliche as that sounds. pero totoo, alam ko, na nasa langit na siya, dahil sa pagkakakilala ko sa kanya noon, mabait siyang tao. mabuti, mabait. laging may joke. laging masaya. walang masamang tinapay sa kanya. lagi siyang nakatawa.

the feelings are just memories now. but for the heck of it, ikukwento ko na rin. i remember the first time i met him. accidentally sitting beside him in the dark cozy auditorium during STS class. getting to talk to him for the first time, i was instantly attracted to him. the guy had a charm that was all his own, and he probably didn't even know he had it. and that unassuming, unknowing quality to him was part of that charm. eventually we became groupmates for the sem-long report, got to know him better. and i knew that i wasn't wrong with my first impression. he was very nice. very happy. a gentleman with the good-natured innocence of a boy.

later on in the sem i heard from our other groupmates that he'd said he had a crush on me. and that knowledge changed my behavior towards him. my worst side showed, and nobody knew it, nobody knew why, least of all him. soon the beans were spilled, and he learned too that i had a crush on him, but it was too late. he was already in love with someone else. and i was graduating from college by then, so goodbye to all that.

all that, just memories. he was just one of those former acquaintances with whom my only contact was thru fb. never thought that he'd be gone so soon. he was just so alive.

a groupmate of ours posted our picture of our reporting group. bigla kong naalala yung report na ginawa namin. we were a happy team, from different colleges with different courses. masaya talaga kami. instead of a powerpoint report, we did a videospoof of movies instead. being the film student, i directed it. we spoofed the matrix. he was "neo". i remember how he used to hate it whenever he'd see himself in "neo" costume, juxtaposed against the real neo (keanu reeves). ampanget daw niya. syempre at that time tahimik ko na lang siyang sinasabihan na hindi, ang cute mo nga e. pero syempre, tahimik lang, sa loob lang ng utak ko. haha.

that was just a riot. making that video. naging close kaming lahat. natutulog kami sa bahay ng ka-groupmates namin. long after i've "recovered" from the shock brought by his sudden death, yung memories na lang na yon ang maiisip ko. we were just...happy. young, and happy. who would've known one of us wouldn't even reach 30.

napaisip ako sa sarili kong mortality. who knows, maybe i wouldn't reach 30 as well. it's a scary thought. and i so BADLY pray to god na sana bigyan nya ako ng mahabang buhay. death has never scared me this much, ever. kung nung 20,21 years old ako nagshu-shoot pa ako ng mga bangkay sa morgue (for a docu), ngayon ni lingunin ang funeraria na madadaanan ko halos ayaw kong gawin. i don't know why i've changed this much. siguro dala na rin ng pagtanda. when you're young you think you're immortal. you reach a certain age, go through many certain experiences, and you slowly realize that you can die. right now, right here, if god wants you to, you can friggin drop dead. and you realize you're actually scared.

kung mabuti kang tao, sabi nila, di ka naman dapat matakot. sa tingin ko naman mabuti akong tao. pero bakit ako takot? ewan. maybe i'm more scared of the actual experience of dying, those last breathing moments, than anything else. yung moment na nararamdaman mong...wala na. mawawala ka na. siguro nakakatakot yon. kaya nga siguro swerte na rin yung former classmate ko. he died peacefully, in his sleep. gusto ko pang mabuhay nang matagal, pero kung papipiliin ako, i'd rather choose to exit in that manner. painless, unconscious. magugulat na lang ako, lumulutang na ako. at may bright light na humihila sa akin papalapit.

hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang mas masakit. yung maiwan ng mahal mo sa buhay, o ikaw ang maunang mang-iwan.

ang morbid ko naman. tama na nga! lord, please grant me, my family, and friends long healthy lives. please. kasi, otherwise, hindi ko yata kakayanin. ;-(

* * *

postprod for the AVP rackets ongoing. thank god for friends, for the kindness of friends, for the trust and confidence of friends, for the goodwill of friends. at least kahit in between writing paychecks ako for the month of february, may moolah pa rin, thanks to a friend who recommended me for this project. love you ruel.

by january 22, all must be in. sana. please.

* * *

wanting to go out of town by first week february. syempre hindi makakasama si boso. pero okay lang. nasanay na ako this past week na gumawa ng gimik na lakad without him. selfishly speaking, i wouldn't want him to take on that celebrity role anymore, lalo lang siyang naging busy and unavailable. but despite my selfishness, i'm still happy for him. and proud of him. that he successfully hacked his way through that one week. and caused quite a stir. haha.

pagudpud, part two. why not? i deserve a vacation. i owe it to myself. haha! i-budget lang nang tama, pasok na sa banga.

* * *

obsessed with finances. making and saving money. raising my monthly quotas. wanting so badly to stabilize myself further. so many things i'd want to have, but savings have to come first.

* * *

need to lose weight. hay. hay. HAAY.

* * *

meeting tomorrow at 2pm. editing in the evening.
thursday, editing for the other video.
friday, presentation to client. hopefully, avatar by then.

Saturday, January 09, 2010

remote-control fishes

i dreamed of fishes. real live fishes. it was a place like manila ocean park where you can remote-control the fishes into eating the smaller fishes, but be careful because the bigger fishes can eat you, too. you have to pay a certain amount to play the game, and i have bought two tickets for me and my brother.

i was in a room. like a bedroom. i looked around and saw that my brother wasn't around; i thought, sayang naman yung extra ticket. then i played the game. and i was on "i have to win" mode. remote-controlling my fish in hotly pursuing the last remaining smaller fish, while eluding the bigger ones.

* * *

i woke up this afternoon hung over after a night of fairly nice partying. got drunk last night, first time in a while, on absolut and san mig light and cranberry juice. sometimes i love getting drunk. it releases me from my inhibitions. takes off my shyness. and everyone becomes approachable. everyone becomes a friend to hug.

i was with my fellow writers. it was a production party, really, but we were also invited. and the stars were there. the perks of the job, dancing the night away, drunk and happy, mingling with the stars like they were ordinary people. haha.

feeling ko naman hindi ako nagwala o nagkalat. haha. i didn't even vomit at all. and i was bold. bold enough to tell gabby, up front, that each time i'd write i'd find his character so complex and interesting and challenging to flesh out.

they say that when you're drunk your senses blur out. but in my case last night, i think my senses were even heightened. i could SENSE things that i normally wouldn't if i were sober. because i was an observer. un-self-conscious. less aware of my sticking-out-like-a-sore-thumb self, more aware of other people. every nuance, every gesture---eyes darting around, fingers texting someone furtively, coldness, warmth.

* * *

i'm glad the finale got positive results. it could've been so much better, in my book. but given the constraints of the production people, maybe that was more than good enough. i'm just glad that they liked it, and glad that our headwriter's idea for the last scene turned out to be a hit. my gas. another lesson learned. sometimes outrageous ideas could actually be unpredictably brilliant.

* * *

swimming in my head. i've been sleepy ALL day. not knowing what to do. not having the energy to go and do what i think need to be done. help me, lord. our baby project is now done. give me something new to live for now.

Monday, January 04, 2010

back to work mode!

went to bed last night feeling verrry bad. stuffed nose, a body being wracked with coughs, aching head from all that stressful coughing, and a stomach that couldn't go to sleep without a big stenchy barf. so i gave way to my body's desire. rest i did until midday today.

and then, my day began with a big laugh. a boso-big, amused laugh. because apparently, while i was asleep, bosobear was shooting his way up to instant semi-stardom. my pinchable, lovable, everyguy bear, plucked out from his happy state of anonymity to become...famously anonymous! am so amused!

anyway, i'm better now, and work has begun since yesterday. viewing the editor's cut of our corp video and noting down comments. bukas, will sit down with the editor. gusto ko nang tapusin ang 102 para makapag-edit na siya ng 103. para may moolah na by second week of january (january 15 is my deadest target for both videos).

ano nga yung kanta ni abba? money money money! the holidays have required much of me, now i have to regain what i've spent, in the same way that i have to lose the weight i've gained over the holidays. haha. hay sana mas mabilis ang proseso this time. mukha naman. knock on wood. lord, help us.

pero syempre, hindi rin lang editing for the sake of. as is, as usual, marami uli akong frustrations habang pinapanood ko ang editor's cut. frustrations dahil sa mga bagay na hindi ko na-shoot, at mga bagay na sana shinoot ko nang mas maayos. pero it's all water under the bridge now. ang importante, mapa-work namin with what material we have. at ma-please ang kliyente.

hay. sana. sana matuwa sila. sana walang masyadong comments. please, please, lord.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

2009 in retro

i'll sum up my 2009 with a prayer.

Thank you Lord. For everything, this year. For taking care of me and my family. For answered prayers and fulfilled wishes. For pleasant surprises and unexpected blessings. For blessing me with just the right amount of sunshine after a year of relative darkness. For drawing up a path for me, somehow. For bringing me to what could possibly be home. For letting the dust of recent years settle down in peace. For justifying my hopes. For, yet again, proving that blind, absolute faith in your goodness truly has its rewards (not that you really need to prove anything, of course). For graces that I may not deserve but you have given me, anyhow. For the little things that made my life happy in 2009, for the joys of a contented simple life. For moments of enlightenment and paradigm shifts. For peace and calm, inside and out.

For 2010, i promise to do more. to try to grow and be more. to be there more often, to pay it forward. to do more, not only for myself, but for others. those whom i love and would give anything for. those who would need my help, in one way or another.

that out of the way, let's move on to the standard year-long survey (grabbed from fb):

1. What did you do in 2009 that you've never done before?

- went to ilocos norte. took my cat for professional studding. went to boystown. revised a week's worth of scripts. directed a tv-style kind of drama on a two-cam setup. wrote for a primetime soap. took writing seriously. took my savings account seriously. provided for my family in ways that have actual bearing. had my legs waxed for the first time. haha!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

no resolutions last year. hate breaking promises to myself.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

- my keanna! dalawang beses syang nanganak last year! landi ng baby ko!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

- thank god, wala naman. knock on wood.

5. What countries did you visit?

- wala. sana next year meron!

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

- nothing tangible. basta alam na yun ni god :-)

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

- the usual. april 25, my birthday (nasa isang hotel ako noon with my co-writers, simultaneously trying to get drunk and write a script for b0yst0wn). december 31, anniversary namin ng bosobear kong tabachuychuy (january 1 namin sinelebrate, with the usual stressful star city rides).

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

- by stroke of luck (and the kindness of friends), i got a chance to be a writer for TV. k@torse was my ultimate adventure for 2009. and for the first time nga, sineryoso ko na ang pagpu-put-up ng savings account.

9. What was your biggest failure?

- i probably could have learned more on the job. pero minsan i'd slack off. sana mas marami pa kong matutunan (not the emotionally-hard way, i hope!) sa 2010, twice or thrice as much as what i'd already learned in '09.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

- thank god, wala naman. knock on wood. nag-faint lang ako minsan. tapos flu nang matindi around mid-year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

- my MSI wind mini-notebook :-) 100% bought by me! (kasi yung isa kong laptop, hati pa kami ng tatay ko)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

- waterfowl. for a gift that i won't ever forget!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

- yung nag-massacre sa mga babae at media people sa maguindanao. napapamura ako each time i remember!

14. Where did most of your money go?

- taxi transpo, as always. expenses sa bahay.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

- little things. too many to mention!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

- t-shirt. tamis ng unang halik. i gotta feeling...that tonight's gonna be a good night!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

- reading. watching more tv shows. traveling.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

- eating! smoking! procrastinating! spending!

20. How did you spend Christmas?

- at home, with family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

- been in love for a long time :-)

22. How many one-night stands?

- 0

23. What was your favorite TV program(s)?

- katorse. your song. hehe.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

- wala naman.

25. What was the best book you read?

- "reservation road", a christmas gift by friend beatlebum. just finished it tonight!

27. What did you want and got?

- a writing job. a stabler, peaceful, state of life. a stabler savings account.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

- sa dinami-dami ng napanood ko, wala akong matandaan. ano ba yun. so sad.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

- i turned 29 on april 25, i was at the imperial hotel in a lock-in brainstorm with co-writers. when the clock struck 12 i was in front of my laptop, drinking smirnoff while trying to start my script. i succeeded in getting drunk but i didn't get any writing done!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

- probably a little more of what i've already been blessed with, but i'm not complaining. i'm grateful. (more money would've been ideal, but like i said...not complaining, lord! ty po!)

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

- same old. i chucked the skirts and shorts by last quarter of the year because i was gaining weight. ugh.

32. What kept you sane?

- family and friends. god. love.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

- haha. si robi domingo! crush ko siya nang bongga for around three weeks yata!

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

- maguindanao massacre. tapos yung ondoy. hindi siya political, though. pero kasi taga-marikina ako.

35. Who did you miss?

- my Dream Team friends.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

- my current writing workmates. the pc people.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:

- Blind, absolute faith will see you through! Claim it and it will be yours! :-)