Thursday, May 27, 2004

and the plot thickens...

oh no. i think he's gay.
or bisexual, at the least.
i never saw that coming. i didn't sense anything from him the first time we met. was my gay-dar failing me?
why would i believe hearsay, to begin with? if one well-meaning friend told me that it would be easy for me to dismiss it. but FIVE well-meaning friends individually telling me the same thing, the same impression, that same friggin heartbreaking opinion of theirs???
i say, two or three similar opinions can be hearsay. but five...there has got to be some amount of truth in it.

so now, after posting her picture on your friendster page, you're going gay on me?! watda...?! now you're REALLY losing me, buster...haha, as if it would matter to you, right?! paksyet ka rin!

okay, relax, you're rambling, you're neuroticizing this blog page again...

hmm. it's kinda funny, you know, when i think about it. i probably hold a record for falling for the wrongest choices. well, i've never broken my personal record. i ALWAYS fall for the wrongest choices.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

fight when you know you can win...

so they say. fight when you know you can win.

same goes when you're vying for someone's heart. fight for him, pag alam mong may pag-asa kang manalo. pag ala mong hindi imposible.

but when you're a raggedy-ann ann, a simpleton, a plain jane up against a true beauty, what's the use of fighting? you can't possibly win over her.

so i'm giving up. i've said this before, and i will say it again--i'm not going to be anyone's fallback option. if they say that the belle is indeed a belle in the truest sense, then i humbly bow out of the race. if beauty is the prime criterion, the key to winning his heart, i know there's no way i'm going to win over her. i don't have enough ammunition.

i feel even worse, for ever hoping. kapal naman ng mukhang kong umasa, kung may mga katulad nyang kagandahan na umaaligid sa kanya.

oh well. life goes on. it should.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

I had my first drag at hash last night. My mother would kill me if she knew...haha. Ten years ago, I would have frowned at myself, but it really is no big deal. I was with a bunch of artsy-indie kewlies and I wanted to know how it would feel. Alas, I expected too much...I thought I was gonna go through one psychedelic first time, but the closest "trip" that i got was down that 1.5 liter of Coke Light and the pizza box. Even drugs can't get to me. Only one thing does, I guess. One person....aaah!!!!! Shut up!!!!!

Two years ago I learned to smoke as an act of defiance. I was reeling from a botched-up college semi-romantic thingie, and i wanted to show the person that I was far from the girl he had known. (Akala mo ikaw lang ang marunong magbago...bugahan pa kita dyan). One year ago I think I really got into yosi to escape. From my cubicle existence, the cold gray walls surrounding me every (working) day, my disillusionment. Now I wonder what convenient rationale will I be coming up with to justify my first weed.

Lord help me.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Ever felt like the world just landed on your chest? Well. Only a catastrophe like that would make me write a new blog entry. I thought i'd sworn off this public mockery of a personal diary for good, but here i am...publicizing my angsts and petty pains anew. Wala e. Wala lang.
Ya know what hurts the most, at least from my opinion? When someone who used to want you no longer does. When a day you've prepared so much for just doesn't happen at all. One day it all happens, all of a sudden everything you've come to believe (or convinced yourself into believing) just turns out to be all one grand pathetic ILLUSION. One day you gather enough courage to "add" that certain person into your friendster account--call it a "move" to make papansin, a little feeler to him from this hoping little heart--and the next day you see his girlfriend's face smiling back at you on his friendster's Primary Photo. Okay. Ouch. Wake up, bitch. Dream time over.

I know very few people I know would probably understand, but it hurt like hell. To make things much worse, just imagine me preparing meticulously the next morning for a meeting with him that day. The morning passes, and he doesn't show up. Aray ko naman. I was rehearsing the things I was gonna say to you, man. I was picturing how the morning's conversation would go. And then you would text me to say, "Leave the package na lang sa information...". You have no friggin' idea how that stung me. After the agony of having to live through that Friendster discovery, this one was another nail on my cross.

Syet kasi e. Lahat na lang sila. Kundi bading, magkaka-GF, o mag-aasawa. Wala naman akong balat sa pwet a! e bakit kung sinong gusto ko, di ko makuha? Naturingan na ngang semi-kachakahan, di ko pa rin makuha. Yun namang never kong pinangarap na pansinin ako, sya namang paramdam nang paramdam. Putsa naman! Lord, penge naman ng konting requited love dyan, para maiba-iba naman! I don't want just anyone, Lord, you know that. I want JUST ONE. Just One. My Sacre Coeur. My Notre Dame. My River Seine. Right now, sya lang. Sya lang, sya lang. Ayoko ng iba.

WEll, it's just my luck, my golgotha--the one I want right now no longer wants me. that is, if he had ever wanted me at all. (derisive laughter!) For all I know, it was just all in this loosely-bolted, screwed up head of mine. Everything was just one grand, pathetic, neurotic illusion. and all the more should it hurt, coz I was believing in something that never came to exist. How do you do it? Convince yourself out of believing what has turned out to be a non-truth, a farce, a lie, a bitchin product of my imagination?

Truth hurts, man, but gudda live with it. You don't give a shit if I burst off the face of the earth. This has happened to so many people so many times before, it's a virtual cliche. It's so common a predicament it's become the stuff of melodrama. But what the hell. One doesn't start thinking that something's real unless it actually happens to her. A dozen times over.