Ever felt like the world just landed on your chest? Well. Only a catastrophe like that would make me write a new blog entry. I thought i'd sworn off this public mockery of a personal diary for good, but here i am...publicizing my angsts and petty pains anew. Wala e. Wala lang.
Ya know what hurts the most, at least from my opinion? When someone who used to want you no longer does. When a day you've prepared so much for just doesn't happen at all. One day it all happens, all of a sudden everything you've come to believe (or convinced yourself into believing) just turns out to be all one grand pathetic ILLUSION. One day you gather enough courage to "add" that certain person into your friendster account--call it a "move" to make papansin, a little feeler to him from this hoping little heart--and the next day you see his girlfriend's face smiling back at you on his friendster's Primary Photo. Okay. Ouch. Wake up, bitch. Dream time over.

I know very few people I know would probably understand, but it hurt like hell. To make things much worse, just imagine me preparing meticulously the next morning for a meeting with him that day. The morning passes, and he doesn't show up. Aray ko naman. I was rehearsing the things I was gonna say to you, man. I was picturing how the morning's conversation would go. And then you would text me to say, "Leave the package na lang sa information...". You have no friggin' idea how that stung me. After the agony of having to live through that Friendster discovery, this one was another nail on my cross.

Syet kasi e. Lahat na lang sila. Kundi bading, magkaka-GF, o mag-aasawa. Wala naman akong balat sa pwet a! e bakit kung sinong gusto ko, di ko makuha? Naturingan na ngang semi-kachakahan, di ko pa rin makuha. Yun namang never kong pinangarap na pansinin ako, sya namang paramdam nang paramdam. Putsa naman! Lord, penge naman ng konting requited love dyan, para maiba-iba naman! I don't want just anyone, Lord, you know that. I want JUST ONE. Just One. My Sacre Coeur. My Notre Dame. My River Seine. Right now, sya lang. Sya lang, sya lang. Ayoko ng iba.

WEll, it's just my luck, my golgotha--the one I want right now no longer wants me. that is, if he had ever wanted me at all. (derisive laughter!) For all I know, it was just all in this loosely-bolted, screwed up head of mine. Everything was just one grand, pathetic, neurotic illusion. and all the more should it hurt, coz I was believing in something that never came to exist. How do you do it? Convince yourself out of believing what has turned out to be a non-truth, a farce, a lie, a bitchin product of my imagination?

Truth hurts, man, but gudda live with it. You don't give a shit if I burst off the face of the earth. This has happened to so many people so many times before, it's a virtual cliche. It's so common a predicament it's become the stuff of melodrama. But what the hell. One doesn't start thinking that something's real unless it actually happens to her. A dozen times over.