Friday, December 24, 2004

joyeux noel! (just some notes before christmas)

1. A brand new PC unit that's ideal for Adobe Premiere editing.
2. An Orange DVD player.
3. A comfy couch-potato sofa (to complement my DVD player).
4. A CD man.
5. Repair services for my CD player.
6. A minidv cam. Or better yet, a Panasonic 24P cam.
7. A digital stillcam.
8. A confirmed new job assignment.
10.Merry Christmas text messages from the ones who matter. (wink, wink)
11. A brilliant concept for a short film.
12. All Wong Kar Wai movies, wrapped with a bow.

It just gets really cold sometimes. So much so that the first interesting person to display some dint of warmth can easily become a hero.
I never really believed that a person's genuine niceness could be such an attractive trait, up until two days ago. Of course I'll have to erase this from memory, exorcise it out of me because it's out of the question.

Natutuwa lang ako. How someone who's smart, sophisticated, talented, and impressively laidback can still be surprisingly, genuinely friendly. It's not something that I would expect from someone of his status and personality. It disarmed me. For a mad moment there, I thought I was smitten.

Lightning bolts in and out of the sky. As fast and fleeting and electric as that. This, too, shall pass, for mad moments never last long.

So he's such a man-of-the-world. I'm just a little girl here. The discrepancy is too much to take in. Forget it.

And besides, he's gay.

End of story.

New Year's resolution number 1: Stop falling for gay men.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

won't take the train away from 2046 (not yet, anyway)

I cannot rave enough about Wong Kar Wai's new film, 2046. Sent raves to all of my fellow WKW fans, posted a rave on Friendster, gabbed about it dozens of times. I pray that someday, I can get to make a film like that. A film that will hit the right mark in people's hearts. A film that will show how it is to be human in an imperfect, complicated world. A film that will make 24-year-old girls cry.

We are transients in each other's lives...
Passing through, like ghosts,
touching each other for a moment or longer...
...til the next train comes.

That train in 2046, in all its cold metallic sadness. Run away from all the unfulfilled yearnings of your heart. Run away from the painful memories. Take that train, that train that train that train away from 2046...

God I love that movie. And I love Tony Leung! Was a Leslie Cheung fan before and hardly noticed his partner in "Happy Together", but Tony was just damn gorgeous in 2046. And I don't only pertain to his looks. He looks great, man, but it's how he moves in that smooth sophisticated way, how he looks at a person with those doleful, courting, take-care-of-me eyes. And the scene where Zang Ziyi slaps him is, as far as I'm concerned, a shining moment. Tony's expression smoothly changes from embarrassment (a GIRL just slapped ME) and anger (Why, you bitch, I'll show you) to a mask of calm amusement. Then he tells Zang: I'm glad I made you feel better by that slap. Slap me again, if that's what it will take to make you happy.

Ang galeng galeng. Nakakatakot atang maka-meet ng ganyang lalake sa tunay na buhay.

I'd settle for the lesser mortals in my midst. The new people I meet everyday, thanks to my current racket. I'm raring to begin on a new shoot again but while I'm waiting, there's the monitoring job to do.

I'd like to tell myself that I met someone new, someone interesting, but then again I know the truth and truth is it's all just in my mind. If a hype-up would bring rosiness to this life somehow, then why not, but in my past history we know that I don't handle hypeup cases all too well. I get carried away. I hype the person up so well in my head that I tend to forget how falsely it all started.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

whoring the craft

let's collect our thoughts, shall we...
- what's making me restless right now?! what's wrong with me? oh, yeah, i wanted to ask one director about some racket that i was really praying i could be part of. he called me thirty minutes ago but he made no mention of it. he did mention, though, that he was going to be busy in the next week. if i had gotten the racket, shouldn't he have mentioned it? does his non-mention mean i didn't get it? so what do i do? right--ASK. simple as that.
- sa trabahong to, walang mangyayari sa yo kung mahiyain ka. lakas ng loob, tapang ng apog, kapal ng mukha. i want to work continually. i want to learn more on the job. i want to be better. and yes, i want money.
- but one thing i really hated (and still hating) myself for was that SHOOTING DIRECTOR racket for an music video featuring a certain hunk/wannabe-balladeer. if there's anything i learned about it, it's this: NEVER whore your craft again...unless you really need the money. and no, folks, when i decided to take that racket i didn't need the money. i just wanted it. it was degradingly small for a director's salary, but i wanted something extra for the holidays.
- okay. crucify me. "filmmakers" with integrity will NOT take rackets like that. especially on such short notice (was offered the project one day before we were to shoot). i was such a whore at that time. i hated myself.
-there wasn't even enough time to think about how to improve the storyboard i'd been given (expectedly, corny...dang, was such a whore...). so i did the best i could to ride on with the material. you want corny? i'll give you corny. surprisingly, though, they found the rushes "videoke"...(Duh?! tingnan nyo nga yang storyboard nyo, sinusunod ko lang po yan.). It was a nightmare. Kung ayaw nyo yung ginagawa ko, mas lalong ayaw ko ang ginagawa ko! P--**y***ta!
- It was all my fault, i know. I know. I got into it knowing full well what it was. And all for how much? If you're gonna whore yourself, honey, make sure the price is worth the degradation.
- maybe i could be a lot, lot better, but i'm not so bad. so to hell with all the shit that they're going to haul at me that can feed my insecurities. you want me off postprod, fine. pangalan ko lang naman ang nakataya. i know i should have insisted. but getting to be in that place and with those people again is something i dread. but i know i should be there. kahit pro-bono. i didn't give birth to that child, but it was given to me to raise. gotta make sure it turns out okay, at the very least, if not well.
- self-loathing. it's the worst kind of hate to live with.

Friday, December 03, 2004

my nostalgia

Two afternoons ago, I accidentally met my gay lola at the Seiko office.
He was wearing white (body-hugging, of course). His hair was a bit longer in the bangs. Clean-shaven, clear-eyed. He looked so fresh I wanted to kiss his pretty face. But the best thing about the way he looked that afternoon was the warmth in his eyes when he would address me.

Like he was almost glad to see me. Like it was almost a pleasant surprise for him. It meant nothing to him and should mean nothing to me, but fondness should not necessarily mean your hoping for reciprocation. That's the difference of it with infatuation.

I'm still fond of you, my gay lola. Despite everything else. The only thing that I really want is for us to be truly friends. You, Will. Me, Grace. Is that possible, somehow?

I'm sad. Because I miss you. I miss being emotionally unstable. Haha!

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

lonely planets, ivory moons

On our last night in Baguio, the moon was a waxing white ivory.
Lord of the eternal black sky.

E ano pa nga ba ang nasa isip ko ngayon? Isang hakbang na lang ng bilog na buwan, Disyembre na. Di ko naman masabing depressed ako (I'll leave that word to Beatlebum).

Wistful lang. A little lonely, maybe. But definitely not depressed.

I'm glad I know what I want. So far, at least. How many people my age have griped about being lost in this maze of endless possibilities? I should thank God that I know what to dream for. I should be grateful for the fire that's carrying me through each and every adventure.

Thank you, Lord.

Despite everything, one thought insists itself upon my consciousness: when I die, I would want to be remembered as a good person, above everything else. Fifty, forty, thirty years from now.

I still miss my gay lola. But each day that passes, pawala nang pawala. Without effort from me at all. I guess that's just the natural trajectory of things.

I hate admitting this to myself. My "crush" history shows a pattern of me tending to fall for gay men. Last night Beatlebum dropped two little cherry bombshells on me: "Pink, M-- and G-- (both of whom my former crushes) are gay. What's wrong with you?" That made me laugh. T

"pre-christmas syndrome" mah a$$!

We are all transients in each other's lives.
Passing through, like ghosts,
touching each other for a moment or longer
til the next train comes.

Lots of things I can't stand tonight. The pre-Christmas chill. That mushy "Because of You" song playing on the radio. The so-obviously-in-love internet owner singing along with it. Public displays of affection between strangers (i.e. liplocking in public). Papaitan ang ulam namin kanina. Nag-Ampalaya herbs rin ako pagkatapos. Kataka-taka pa ba...?! Hahaha.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Blame it on the Ivory Moon...

We are all transients in each other's lives.
Touching, like ghosts,
While waiting for the next train to come.

Friday, November 19, 2004

the city of pines in november

It's my first night in Baguio and there are five major things in my mind right now:
1. I'm really happy that, for the first time in my young career as script continuity supervisor, I'm being made to do things that are truly creative. Really appreciate that, Direk Cholo...I promise not to let you down.
2. So much to do for our seven-day marathon shoot here and don't even ask me to list them all down...good thing is I'm actually looking forward to getting things done. And done well, of course!
3. I really really need to pee right now.
4. I hope my slight headache goes away. I need to be in good shape tomorrow.
5. I miss my gay lola. Haven't seen him in a long time. I wonder what he's busy with right now. In this job, you have no roots. You only have temporary families. You're a drifter from project to project and people are most often mere transients in your life. For two months or three you work together but when the project's over it's bye-bye, see you around, have a nice life. It's kinda lonely. Compared to having a regular job where you get to work with the same people every single day for as long as you have that job.
5a. I miss you, my gay lola. I'm going to get over you soon, I know. This is the familiar post-infatuation phase. I won't be seeing you anymore...maybe the next time would be a long time from now, so I guess I'm seeing the end to this chapter. The sadness, the bitterness, the sourgraping feelings have significantly I'm just wallowing in the more pleasant memories.
5b. See you when I see you. Hope I can work with you again soon. By that time, though, it wouldn't mean as much to me as it would now. That's another fact of life: blessing usually come a little too late.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

I know the work should always be on top of my priority list. And it is.

I know I shouldn't feel too bad that you deleted our mutual testimonials to each other on Fwendster. I shouldn't feel so bad that it would distract me from my work. I'm here for the job, brother, and everything else is just incidental.

I sent you a message. "Burahin ba ang testi ko sa Frndstr? : ) Galet kpa dong?" I know I shouldn't expect you to reply. What would you reply, anyway? What would you say? I shouldn't have sent that message, shouldn't have asked, but I'm dying to know WHY, for God's sake, what did I do that made you do it?

Ang babaw, bro, I know. Ang babaw at naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Ang babaw ko para maapektuhan nang ganito. It should be about the work. It should be about career. It should be about my dreams. Everything and everyone else is incidental, and should never be a hindrance to the master plan.

What would you reply, anyway? If you would reply it would be something really plastik. The question was hard to answer. A text message wouldn't do at all. Nothing would probably do at all. You hate me. And I hate myself, because it matters so much that you hate me.

I've come to consider you a friend, bro. What's happening now? Have i been too transparent? Did my anger and pain show the night of November 4, when I could sense you flirting with the Korean-looking talent manager? Was that what made you mad, mad enough to try to hurt me?

Masyado naman akong nagfi-feeling na mag-assume na ganun ako ka-importante sa yo that you did that deliberately to hurt me. I was never anything but a co-worker, right. Just as you should be to me. I was always just in the periphery. I was never above a mere spot on your camera lens.

Did you sense my coldness, in an effort to try to remove whatever I'm feeling towards you, because you are what you are and I can never be anything but just a damn girl to you? Did you sense that I knew what you were up to when you were talking to that guy, and that I was bleeding inside just seeing you in action?

Bakit, bro? Bakit ka galit sa kin? The work is important. The dream is important. But right now there's nothing in the world that I want more than to hear your side. Because of two gawddang deleted testimonials.

Tumatanda yata ako nang paurong.

Monday, November 01, 2004

And a Gay Halloween to You, Too

Last night's itinerary:
1. Videoke with friends at some newbie bar near Malate. We sang ourselves hoarse. Halloween wouldn't be fun without the howling.
2. Malate trip, Part 2. After last year's first-time trek, we were at it again. This time, though, the streets were strangely empty of the Halloween crowd we had been expecting. It was 2 in the morning...could Malate be dying?
2.1. Inside BED. My first time inside a gay bar. My gawd. For the three hours that we were inside, it felt like the universe was composed entirely of gay men--the modern-day masculinely-dressed breed, mind you. Nilangaw ang beauty ko. Hahaha.

Happy Halloween, folks. Will be trooping to the cemetary today for an overnight with Lolo.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Idle talk over dinner on a sluggish night at work:
"Anong problema mo nung isang araw?"
"Ha?" absentmindedly asked. busily chowing on Bicol Express and rice.
"Ba't ka nagfo-forward ng mga heartbroken chuva...?"
"Wala. May nagfo-forward sa kin, di finoforward ko rin."
"E ba't sa kin mo finoforward?"
"Wala lang." eyes unblinking, un-guilty.

I could tell that he meant it. This ain't the movies. This time around, wala lang is really just wala lang.

Monday, October 25, 2004

queen bee...can't i talk about anything else?!

Ah leche. Eternal sunshine pala ha.
God knows what was going on in his head when he sent those forwarded heartbreak-related text messages some two or three days ago, but right now it doesn't really matter. I've had my moment in the sun. That should be enough.

Whatever it was, dearie, I know it couldn't be close to my ideal. But you can't make me cry. Not you, not this time no. And even if that (positively weird!) incident would never happen again (which, my mind tells me, is a big possibility right now), I think I would survive it. It wouldn't surprise me much, anyway. The reason seems apparent to me now. In this case, the queen bee was simply playing with a crone.

Queen bee. Haha!

Saturday, October 23, 2004

eternal sunshine...for the moment

Wow. Such a lovely day. Cool air, warm sun. Haven't had enough sleep last night, but I woke up feeling remarkably fahyn. Hmm. I just want to enjoy this moment for alllllll that it's worth.

Enjoy the moment for all that it's worth - my motto. For the moment, at least. Something made me happy last night, and I just want to relish the sunshine that's seeping through my soul right now...not think of future what-ifs, or past what-couldve-beens, or the present whys. I know what he is and it scares me, that it was another false ending again. Sya kasi e. Weirdo ang lola.

Ayoko nang mag-overanalyze, mag-intellectualize, mag-deconstruct. Ayoko na munang pag-isipan. Gusto lang munang maramdaman. Minsan mas simple ang buhay pag ganon. Pag di mo pinag-iisipan. Basta nabubuhay ka lang.

Hay. Ang ganda ganda ng araw. How I wish walang makasira. How I wish I wouldn't have to pay for this happiness later. Sana walang iyakan blues na kapalit in the future.

Friday, October 22, 2004


god knows what kind of risk i'm subjecting myself to by publicizing these inane (and insane) rantings on you-know-who (do you know who? then i'm dead meat).

god knows what kind of--is there a more severe word than humiliation?--awkward place I would get myself into should somebody from the same circle (who knows both him and me) stumble upon this blog, piece together the incriminating clues, and find out the truth.

I am nameless, yes. But I am also naked. Voluntarily baring yourself isn't the same as being caught naked. I'd hate the latter very much.

In my younger years, my worst nightmare when it comes to "crushes" (haha. the term makes it so friggin trivial-sounding...which it actually is) is that the object of my girlish devotion would find out about it. Well, almost all the time they get suspicions. Which drives me up the wall. Oh, my ultimate shame. To be exposed naked for him to see.

That was before. Times change. Somehow.

Now my biggest fear is that the whole world would know. I wouldn't mind if he would know. Wag lang yung ibang tao na kilala sya at kilala ako. Ayokong bigyan sila ng bagay tungkol sa akin na papag-usapan. Neurotic pa rin, I know. But I never really took those heart-related things lightly. That's one thing I really should try to learn to do.

He hasn't approved my testimonial. Asked him about it, casually as I could. He didn't take the question seriously, didn't get a conclusive answer. Oh, well. I guess that says a lot about everything. As if the Fwendstah "About ME" thingie hasn't said enough. Hahaha.

When I got the forwarded chenelin this morning, I concluded, Ay. Alam na nya. So he IS smart enough to figure out, eh. The trail of clues were not that blatant, but probably conspicuous enough. It wasn't a shameful thing for me. But knowledge can be the bane of relationships sometimes.

Innocence. I long for those days, my friend, when you were so innocently, wonderfully clueless.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

It always feels like it's the end...but it never really ends.

I hope though, that the Fwendster discovery would be the beginning of the real end. I hope it's hard enough a shakeup for me to finally start coming to my senses--you're barking up the wrong tree, girl--and move on.

Ehehe. Bakit kaya ganun. What is it with masculine gay men that draws me? It isn't like I consciously chose to be attracted to them...just happens. Most of the time I would have no idea that they're gay. And when the moment of discovery comes, it's always the same heartbreaking plunge from Cloud Nine to earth. Haha. A shrink might say that my tendency to fall for unattainable guys might mean that I subconsciously avoid the possibility of a real relationship. He might even insist that I'm probably afraid of men. Haha. Ewan.

Now I'm thinking, what would I add to his testimonial? His testimonial of me would have been sugar to the blood if I hadn't read that "about me" section ("it's time to find out what's in me...sorry, no effeminates please!). Press release lang siguro--for the sake of having something to say--but I never really thought that he would use maganda or matalino to refer to me (syempre, haba ng hair ko...keber na kung exagg o press release lang, basta nanggaling sa kanya.). Hay labs. What can I say about you?

Thursday, October 14, 2004

de ja vu

same situation, different person. that's the sad story in this one-way-traffic street.
i saw his profile on friendster. i've come to the (final, irrevocable) conclusion that he couldn't possibly be straight. no, he isn't straight. girlfriends or no girlfriends, despite all that pechay-eating talk, this guy couldn't possibly be straight.

incriminating phrase in his "about me" portion: sorry, no effems please. effems what? effems na gay? so puwede ang nagpapakalalaking bading? HA! HA!! HA!!!

surprised no longer. really. any guy who uses expressions like "ay bakla!", "potah ka!", or "mismo!" should be subject to doubt. it's just mighty funny that i've been through the same exact situation before...around half a dozen times. same story, same funny-sad ending, naiiba-iba lang ang pangalan. hahaha.

uhm, fairy godmother? puwede, happy ending naman next time?

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

i don't want to think don't want to think don't want to think about it anymore. i just want to fall into a deep, deep sleep, and wake up with no memory of what used to bring sunshine to my recent days.

i don't want to remember the things i heard him say, the lies i said, the stories i made up just to cover up what i thought was just a little white lie. i don't want to remember because it makes me feel bad as a person, makes me feel like a really big lump of sh--t.

i love you, you know. or at least that's what i want to believe. that's what i want to feel. you sit there next to me, talking about the women in your life--ay, woman na lang pala, wala na yung isa ("Di nya nakayanan e," you said);ridiculing me for confessing that I, at 24 ("matanda na, no?", sabi mo), plead guilty to being innocent (that, at least, i didn't lie about); candidly, tactlessly confessing that you couldn't possibly carry on a sexless relationship ("Ang boring naman ng relationship na ganun"), couldn't possibly get by within two years without getting laid. You sit there, you asshole, not knowing that you're torturing me by the very
things you say, by your quiet indifference, your ignorance of the truth.

truth is that i'm a big liar. truth is you're the one i want. on that evening i'm the only one in that table who knows the truth, and it's a big burden to carry. it makes me hate myself. i'm plagued by guilt, shame, fear. i didn't need to lie, but i did. and honestly, i don't know why i did.
you killed my sunshine, labs. you might as well have killed me, too. and what really hurts is knowing that if you had known it, you probably couldn't have cared less.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

beware: i'm on mushy mode today...

i miss E. i miss E so dang much.
i absolutely hate it when he treats me like an arbitrary appendage in the team, i absolutely hate it when he ignores me. but when he's pleasant towards me again, my anger dissipates. he's so easily forgiven. dammit.

i resent it when i see him being so nice and warm to River Phoenix (our semi-hunky co-worker in the audio dept), i cringe when i hear him imitate Anna Fegi's soprano (or even worse, when he utters expressions like "Ay bakla!", "Mismo." or "Potah ka!"). My rational side tells me to drop this lost cause, he's a friggin' SISTER, ya know, but there must be something really wrong with me. I don't know what's with that face that draws me to it. I don't know what's with the person, either. not everyone sees what i'm seeing, but heck. Maybe we all have our own diamonds-in-the-rough.

i'll bet on it. six months from now, i will only be laughing at this.

Friday, October 01, 2004

so much for my happy ending (uh-huh, uh-huh)

Is it just me, or is this
I got into a bet with a couple of friends. The first one who loses his/her "blessed singlehood" by Christmastime gets treated (along with his/her special someone) by the losers to the restaurant of his/her choice. The special someone has to be "eligible" (jologs/weirdos not allowed), and the relationship has to at least last for three months after that victory dinner treat.
Got into it for fun. At least that would be some kind of motivation on our part to try to get something exciting (i.e. a love life) into our celibate lives. To be honest, though, hooking up with any guy besides the one I actually want right now (sigh...) isn't as exciting a notion for me...but for fun, I'm gonna try. Happy now, beatlebum? :-)

He and I got off work at 12 midnight last night. It was raining. We sat there, smoking and chatting while waiting for the rain to stop. I had an umbrella with me, but I didn't take it out--I wanted to be around him longer. Haha. Guess the pinprick of guilt over that sneaky little act of omission wasn't enough to bug my conscience.

It would have been the perfect setup. Rainy night, no one else around, nothing to do but wait and talk to each other. Sigh. If it were any other guy, I would have sensed some signs by then. But I didn't.

Okay lang. Love has always been a one-way avenue for this drifter, anyway. Sanay na tayo dyan.

Friday, September 24, 2004

postscripts from cebu...and what a little flirting can do to you

i'm home...finally. been gone for three weeks. now that i'm home i'm starting to miss cebu. hahaha.

the best thing about being in this job is that every project is an adventure. especially when it's out of town and you got a good director at the helm. my latest adventure is coming to a close. now we have postproduction to trouble ourselves with.

can't help wish that i had chosen to go by ship on the 26th, along with the rest of my co-workers. 18 hours at sea ought to be an adventure. i regret my hasty decision of planing out of cebu this morning for that reason...and then some.

i'm a bad flirt. i don't even know how to. but when i unconsciously, accidentally do it, i tend to surprise myself. hmm, marunong ka naman pala e. sana lang magamit mo sa tamang tao.

Voices from the two-way radio on a tracking scene shot across Mactan bridge:
Me: E---, E---? Come in, E---?
E: Yes, Pink? Miss mo na ko?
Me: (taken aback...but recovering) Sobra.
E: Talaga...!?

I wish I could just sleep this off. Remembering my character lapses makes me wanna sing, "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired, I know..."

Monday, September 20, 2004

little brown sister

It's the 2oth. I'll be home in three days. I think. I hope. I wish. I miss my life, pre-Cebu. I'm such a sucker for sentimentals.

Two nights ago I learned that the River cutie is married...with two children. It doesn't show. I guess with guys it NEVER shows. You can never can tell. And while that little piece of trivia actually managed to erase this itsy-bitsy interest for, like, one day, seeing him sea-soaked in his clothes somehow....changed my mind. Haha. Weno kung may asawa't anak. I'm not out to steal anyone from anyone. Anyway, as if naman mapapansin ako nun. At my present physical state--brownie complexion, dry hair, "taong taga-production" clothes--I'm the farthest from appealing.

Dropping all my vanity rituals actually is fun. Not caring about being baked by the hot sun, not caring if I get dry skin, not caring if I look like a midget in my flat slippers and pinned up hair...I don't have to worry about myself too much...haha. Seeing those artistas get too fussy about how they look made me realize how...mundane one's existence could be if it were centered on one's outside appearance. But nonetheless...hanggang Cebu lang ito. Hanggang matapos ang shoot. Masaya pa ring magpaganda! Hahaha.

One or two shooting days more.

Friday, September 17, 2004

a taste of showbiz in cebu, part two

48 hours ago...
We were rushing to finish shooting a big wedding scene in Argao, Cebu. I was chain-smoking my way towards packup time...and surreptitiously checkin' out that semi-cutie River Phoenix-type from the corner of my eye. Haha.

45 hours ago...
We were shooting at a small hospital at 2 am. One scene was packed up...salamat sa eyebags ng artista namin. (Lam mo naman, dapat beautiful ever ang mga yan!) River Phoenix told me, "Bakit FORTUNE ang niyoyosi mo?" I used to smoke Winston Lights exclusively back in Manila. When I got here (where Winston Lights is practically unheard-of), I learned to adjust my smoke of choice. Tried 'em all--Winston Reds, Marlboro Reds, Fortune Menthol, Hope, heck, even Astro! Hahaha!Needless to say, I've become such a chronic smoker it's reveals how nuts I actually am.

36 hours ago...
Woke up to the smell of the virgin sea in Matutinao Resort, Moal Boal town. From the hospital the night before we had gone straight to this lovely place to spend the would have been perfect if I weren't at work. Somehow that little piece of info dampens my happiness.

32 hours ago...
We were shooting in a private beach near Matutinao. The sun was raging mad but I didn't really mind--I probably couldn't get any browner than I already was. The sea was a brilliant green blue. Working in the midst of such natural beauty is probably the ideal working setup there is.

28 hours ago...
Low tide. Iba palang mag-lowtide dito sa Cebu. Kung low tide, low talaga. As in the sea would literally pull itself away from the shore. We packed up the location at sunset. Picked up some seashells and live starfishes (the shore was littered with them...amazing!!!!).

24 hours ago...
Low-batt na ko. We were finishing a scene inside a suburban house in the city---drab location. Coming from the beach, this place was a bore. Everyone was already tired from the day's shoot, but we had to keep going. Yosi, yosi. Kape, kape. That guy from the Art Department was starting to really annoy me with his ogling. Hindi rin naman ako kagandahan ngayon, iho, so leave me alone--I hate unwanted attention! Makes me want to run away. Shoo, shoo. What do you call it? "stalking" complex?

12 hours ago...
We packed up at 6 am. My gawd. Twas three days compressed into one long, long, long day.

a taste of showbiz in cebu

"Kakaiba rin itong ginagawa natin, ano...kanina lang namumulot ako ng sea urchins sa beach, ngayon naabutan na natin ang mga batang kumakain ng breakfast." - Jomari Yllana at 6 am in a suburban house location, after almost twenty four hours of shooting a movie across the Cebu province.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired. But I think I'm not unhappy. Knock on wood. If given the opportunity, I would want to go through this again. And again, and again.

Three days na lang! And I'm going home!!!!!!

Sunday, September 12, 2004

FIVE things i hate about being a young neophyte in film production:
1. hard labor, relatively small pay.
2.early morning calltimes; late, late packups, playdate deadlines.
3. senior co-workers who power-trip and/or bully you.
4. prima-donna ARTISTAS who power-trip and/or bully you.
5. that nagging, self-stifling feeling of being a tadpole in the raging rapids...especially when you're not sure if you're doing your job right.

It's been a week since I began work on the Cebu project. My first time to work away from home, and I was miserable the first few days--pressures, jitters, homesickness...the works. Schedule was tight and demanding. We were shooting all over the province every single day. One day I was chasing goats in the meadow, another day I was toasting myself brown at the beach (and now I have this hideous tan!). It's an adventure, and not all of it is pleasant, but i wouldn't give this up for any office job in the world.

Maybe I have a temperament that does not belong to showbiz. Maybe I'm not "bakla" or extroverted enough. Maybe I take things (and myself) too seriously, so much so that I often forget to smile while i'm working. But I'm happy with my job. And in deep I know that I'm a good person. I'm happy that there are people who understand me, who know that I only have the best intentions at heart. To hell with the maldita prima donna self-important bitchy artistas of the world. I'm not there for them. I'm there for the job.

Six or seven more days to go. And then, I pray, I can go home now. The director of this project is the second director I've worked with. I've been a fan of his films ever since; my admiration has grown a notch since then. Ganito palang magtrabaho ang isang magaling na direktor. Never settles for "pwede na". Impassioned, dedicated, never runs out of energy (even during the wee hours!). Has an eye for both the big picture and the details. And an excellent gift for telling a story, as well.

The whole day today we shot a sequence at the Badian island beach. I was tired, sweaty, and tanned by the hot Cebu sun, but I liked this day--being useful out there gives me a kind of fulfillment that can't be dampened by a bad case of sunburn. I love it when I'm useful out there. I love being part of the process. There are more than five things I hate about being new in the field, but all that doesn't measure up to the one thing I love about it: I love doing it.

I miss home. I can't wait for the day when I would walk out of the plane and step on Manila soil. Haha, what a paradox!

Monday, September 06, 2004

no place like home, part two

i've only been away from home for two days and i feel homesick already. retiring to our hotel room after 26 hours of marathon work, i'm suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of...emptiness. the room was empty. a sleeping closet for transients like me. like the boarding house i used to stay in during my office-girl days.

god i miss my family! i miss my quiet breezy afternoons alone at the lanai of our house. my pet kittens. playing freecell and minesweeper on my pc. fetching my little brother from school. those yosi sessions at midnight with my cousin michelle. those talks with my mother. i miss every little trivial thing.

two or three more (potentially haggard!) weeks to go. i wonder what god has in store for me. i wonder if i'm in the right direction. no other way to get on ahead in life than to leave your comfort zone...and make each day a learning experience.

Friday, September 03, 2004

a house is not a home until...

I'm looking forward to working again. My mind tells me so. But the rest of me is telling me something else.
My mind tells me I should be rejoicing. Oh yes! After a month of restless hibernation, of warming up that sala couch with my idle (and ever-widening....) fanny, here's something from heaven dropping on my doorstep. Let's keep on working towards what we want, dearie, let's learn and get better project after project, work and learn and work and learn until we're finally There. That WAS the master plan, wasn't it? And that's what my mind has always wanted.

But I'm having palpitations. Losing sleep. Going through every imaginable symptom that points to that horrible, stifling disease: F-E-A-R. I'm scared as hell, mehn. I'm scared of getting out there again. The last project was scalding enough. I'm developing phobia.

Now the house I couldn't wait to get out of has become such a...Home, all of a sudden--a nest, a womb, a safe place. Suddenly I was scared of leaving it. And having to face the world out there. My God. What have I turned into? A big friggin coward!

I know, I know. The only way to get on ahead in this life is to leave your comfort zone. That's what mother said.
Fetuses have to become babies. Babies have to become toddlers. And trainees have to become professionals.
It might take some hard painful labor to make the transition, but there's no other way around it.

I know. My mind comprehends that. So tomorrow I'm going to give life the best fight I can muster. I can only pray that I'll come home smiling. Smiling, Lord...please? Please let me come home smiling.

Friday, August 20, 2004

garfield's dead

beauty and innocence died this morning. she was lying at the foot of my bed. i was meaning to wake her up, but when i touched her, i knew she was dead. it was the first time in a lng time that i actually touched a dead body.

she was a three (or four?) week old kitten that i had chanced upon the gutters and brought home about a week ago. she was shivering in the rain, all muddy and howling. it was obvious that she had been left there to die. i took her and cleaned her up. we named her garfield, because she had orange fur.

she was beautiful. she had the smallest, loveliest, most innocent feline's face i've ever laid eyes on. her eyes were round and black and all of wide-eyed innocence. and i was looking forward to seeing her grow up into a lithe, beautiful cat. i was looking forward to seeing her grow up, period. and now this.

i was crying like an idiot this morning. she was so small. the size of my fist, probably. and she had this habit of burrowing herself in really tight places. last night she slept at the foot of our mattress. i don't know what happened. she was crushed to death. and the thought that i could have been responsible for it, it just kills me.

no. i'm not going to die. not now. nothing's gonna kill me. i'm going to survive whatever this is that i'm going through. because only the weak and helpless die.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

notes from an all-too-serious quirk

top five movies i really want to see right now:
1. kill bill 2 (went all the way to baguio to buy a vcd copy,'s lying there at home waiting to be watched. just you wait baby...)
2. kill bill 1 (...cause i must see part 1 first to get maximum pleasure from both. but the copy over at our neighborhood ACA is ALWAYS out. merde!!!)
3. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (been hearing lots of good things about this film...will watching this somehow change my life...or is that expecting too much?)
4. the village (i ALWAYS look out for shymalan films. i love him for being a visual storyteller. i hope this interesting new film won't disappoint me!)
5. now that i have you (after spending the last five months of my life putting up with God knows what, i'm more than curious to see what the end product is...after all, it is also my movie...kahit papano)

it's a (s)mall world after all
skipped the premiere last night and went out with my college friends instead. our friend MELISSA has come home after months of working on a ship as cruise photographer (the entire night was her treat! thanks mel!).

we met in the same mall that the premiere was being held (megamall), at around the same time (7pm). bumping into any of the people from the prod staff was something i wasn't looking forward to (i'd rather not have to explain why i wasn't going to the premiere, despite the fact that i was already in the area). so i brought my "anonymity" bonnet, just in case. hehe.

of course i would have wanted to see the movie, but i wouldn't exchange time with my friends for that glitzy affair. going to the premiere would mean more than just watching the movie; it would also mean brushing elbows with people from the movie as well, including some of those whom i would rather not see again for the rest of my quiet little life. erm, i would rather not take the chance...not this soon, amigos! :-P

* - * - *
a bum's life (we're not on self-pity mode again, are we? )
the movie's over. i'm jobless, virtually penniless, living off my parents' kindness. i just realized that last night at UCC coffee with my college friends. they all have jobs. Apple has Unitel, Herbert has his (mysterious?) Malate editing job, Mel has her cruise ship. Kresta, of course, has her Creative research (which reminds me--i do miss lola monjam, my Creative "best friend"!). i'm the only bum in that table. it was kinda depressing, really. from one job to another. i quit the desk job, now i'm starting all over again. it was my choice, yes. and i don't regret it. i just wish that another job would come real soon.

i wonder, though, if i should just keep working on what i'm working now (a synopsis for a feature-length film proposal, deadline on August 15) or start working on getting work. The slapshock video was a blessing that practically landed on my lap. I've been praying for another blessing like that...been relying on the Lord's kindness to help me out of this rut.

nasa dios ang awa nasa tao ang gawa, so they say...

but something in me feels that i should just trust god on this one. so i leave everything to him now. i'll just work on what i'm working now, and pray that it will come out good enough.

* - * - *
break na tayo...whoever you are
at the wake of finishing my first movie project, i'm also ending a relationship with The Boyfriend. they'd never know why, and i won't have to explain. i never really wanted a Boyfriend anyway. i've had it with being a closeted single (hetero) woman!

* _ * _ *

pop quiz, hotshot

what would you do if you're 24, never been in a real long-term relationship, and someone you don't feel especially attracted to (but who's not necessarily unattractive) is wooing you?

a. encourage him/her--after all, you're 24, and if you're aiming to find the Right Person (and eventually nurture a meaningful relationship with him) sometime in this lifetime, you should be "practicing" your social (read: dating) skills by now, right?

b. ignore him/her--if it's not real, why bother? it would be unfair to the guy if you encourage him. wag mong lokohin ang sarili mo 'day.

kindly circle the right letter before the bell rings-------------------------------------------

Sunday, August 08, 2004

i am so relieved that that movie's over. i am so relieved i won't have to put up with mornings like that again...for the meantime.
anyway, thank you beatlebum and waterfowl, for being there when i was on the floor crying. i needed that. sniff, sniff!

i wish i could talk about what i do for a living, i wish i could spill more of the beans where my life outside the virtual page of this diary is concerned, but i won't. i would rather be relatively anonymous, so that i can spill my beans freely about anything and everything without getting the mess on my shirt.

hahahay...eto na naman bullshit na naman ako...tama na nga.

went to baguio three days ago. the pine city that i saw was littered with beautiful people. and a basically beautiful place, too.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

random thoughts

- gusto kong manood ng hoobastank. kelan ba yun, august something? 16 or 17? kaya lang...asa pa ko di ba.
- isa sa mga pangarap ko sa buhay ang magkaroon ng mga magagandang anak. improvement of the race, baga. panalo sana kung eurasian ang hitsura ng mga magiging anak ko, tamo sina Bea Alonso at Assunta de Rossi...ka-suwerte ng mga nanay nila at dumating sa pamilya ang magandang halo ng dugo. Di pa man 18 ang mga ihang ito e sila na ang nagpapayaman sa mga nanay nila. (not that i would do the same to my kid if i'm put in the same situation...magulo ang showbiz noh). hay, bakit ngayon ko lang naisip to? kung noon pa e di sana sinamantala ko na nung nasa France ako para mangarir ng mga prospective fathers para sa future babies ko. Hehe, joke.
- kasalanan ko ba kung hindi ako isang Belle? Hindi, di ba? So it's Belles that he wants, no more no less; it's not my fault that i'm not one. Di ko na hawak yun. Okay. Fine.
- syet, ang aga ng call time bukas. alas-3 ng umaga. kelangang mag-ipon ng lakas. madugo pa naman ang mga eksena. sana masaya akong uuwi after packup. kahit pagod.
- gusto kong pumunta ng nueva ecija. dumating na kasi yung friend naming si MADS, galing barko. she works there as a cruise photographer. asteg, lumibot na ng mundo ang lola ko. laki pa ng sweldo. for sure maraming kwento yun. for sure maraming na-meet yun na prospective sperm donors. hehe. (hmm...bakit di na lang kaya ako magbarko?)

Friday, July 16, 2004

fill in the blank.

you know you're _______________ when:
- it's so hard for you to get up in the mornings (but you have to anyway...)
- even taking a bath is a task that you find too laborious (but you gotta do it anyway...)
- you're often drowsy/tired/lethargic, and you always have to have something in your mouth (food/yosi/coffee) to perk you up and feel a little better 
- you wake up after eight or ten hours of sleep, and you still feel tired
- on occasion, you act as if you have completely lost your sense of humor (di ka madaling matawa)
- you seek the company/correspondence of your friends more often than before
- dread having to go to work, even if you know that "work" happens only thrice a week and is going to be the key to your dreams
- depressed, down, dejected about a lot of things in your life
- find yourself examining the quality of your own character
well. i don't know what to call it, but someone is going through all that right now.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

sc**w happy ever afters and get me on that red carpet!

oh yes, THIS happens in real life. and other spinsters-in-the-running who had come before me may have experienced this before.
soon, my turn will come.

one by one, my friends will be walking down the aisle. and i will being seeing them off. as for me, the only aisle i see myself walking on would be the red-carpet one in Cannes. Haha!

I'd take that chance over walking down any old church aisle anytime. Really. Promise.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

tianak the longer

Congratulations to Raya Martin of the UP Film Institute for winning the Ishmael Bernal Award for Young Cinema at the Cinemanila! I hope your BULUL statuette will be just enough encouragement to make you go full-speed ahead and chase the "Dream".

(Hay, the "Dream". If we young dreamers don't do anything to incarnate that "Dream" into reality, walang mangyayari sa atin...hanggang dreaming na lang tayo...kaya gawa na tayo ng pelikula!!! Hanap na tayo ng mga producers/sugar daddys! Hehe)

Sana rin hindi na ma-break ang successive "successes" ng UP Film students...sana mas marami pang student films ang mapansin at ma-awardan ng nararapat na karangalan (that is, kung karapat-dapat!).

I guess I'm impressed by the turnout of works from other schools besides UP and Mowel (the only institutions--supposedly--with actual film courses)--Ateneo and La Salle, to name a few. That's good, really, cause these are the peeps with the money to make films--money+talent+concrete film vision might just equate to a film that will go down in Filipino film history. Who knows, di ba? kaya kung may pera kayo, gumawa na kayo ng pelikula! Make sure lang na the concept is worth the money you'll be spending.

Went to YOUNG CINEMA NIGHT (screening of shorts in competition and for exhibition) last Thursday at Greenbelt 1 and was overwhelmed by the massive turnout. The theater was full. It was cool! Kung sana lang nagkaroon ng ganitong screening last year, maghahatak rin ako ng maraming kapartido, hehe.

some offhand notes on the films:
quezon city - julia clarete and eppy quizon do make a lovely pair. that's all.
egg - animation suspiciously resembles GARFIELD. i was a garfield fan so i should know how the artist drew the feet of all those chickens in ORSON'S farm. other than that, the film was fun.
bakasyon - i don't know who the filmmaker had in mind while he was making this film--ishmael bernal or mike de leon? it's rough around the edges, but for a first filmmaking effort, kudos to you RAYA.
homecoming - probably the one with the biggest impact on me, among the batch. congratulations to the two filmmakers who won BEST SHORT FILM for this edgy piece!
the bakery - sayang hindi kasali sa competition, coz i DID like this film. it can still be pushed, of course, for it to make a real statement, but as it is i found the film full of promise.
red saga - sayang di napalabas! was looking forward to it pa naman. why? basta. :-)

Sunday, June 27, 2004

of frogs and princes (and all that sh**t)

another prince has turned into a frog again. sabi ko na e. kahina-hinala talagang may biglang cute na lalakeng susulpot na parang kabute, sasabihing classmate ko raw sya from prep, at iimbitahan akong magkape at manood ng sine.

e ako naman itong si gaga, sama naman. hahahay buhay!

well, in fairness to me, he WAS my classmate from prep. and i said yes to that coffee/movie date because i was curious. di naman kami close nung prep...and all of a sudden he wanted to meet up and "catch up on old times"? heck, it was weird, but i wanted to give myself a chance. malay mo.

but then, something as kahina-hinala as that ought to turn out somewhat dour, in the end.
after DAWN OF THE DEAD and a cup of coffee at COFFEE EXPERIENCE, the bombshell dropped. he said his guy friend was coming to meet us. he said that they were going to "present" something to me. a business proposition. my nose started twitching.

then the friend arrived. ahh. a networking business. they wanted to recruit me. they spent forty five minutes trying to persuade me that investing ten grand in their "venture" would give me a Volvo and 1million pesos in about a year. as the friend smooth-talked his way into the business "presentation", i looked over at mr. prince charming from prep and mentally drew an X-mark over his livid, nodding face.

duh. first date turns out to be an ambush. so that was what the sweety-syrupy text messages were for. what a complete TURNOFF!

Oh well. there's always the nearby swamp to scout for more possible princes. a shrek wouldn't be too bad, either.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

just because i say "pare" a lot doesn't make me lesbian (and other inane angsts)

hwell, oh hwell. seasons are turning again. the french film fest is done and over with, so is my festival pass. didn't even get to watch that LA PETITE LILI movie. dunno if i missed much.

i did go to the FETE DELA MUSIQUE last june 19, though. a sudden downpour ruined the entire event. i'm still amazed at how the organizers (alliance francaise) could have overlooked the possibility of rain. i mean, heller?! it's june, ain't it? open air, right? just after 10 pm the frogs came down to earth and the stages were soaked...we had to run for the nearest cover...didn't even get to see parokya perform! :-(

well. at least i bumped into someone i'd been secretly hoping to bump into that night. well not really. well yes. okay, fine, yes. despite his girlfriend on friendster. despite his female companion that night (and mind you, it was NOT the girlfriend). despite everything. shit. i hate him. and i hate him for saying that i looked nice in orange (is that supposed to be an insult? who would look good in orange?). i know it was a mindless compliment at best, a text message composed out of sheer boredom probably, but who cares? not me, i don't.

not any-friggin-more.

hay hay. oh truly. money makes the world go round. or is it love? i guess that's why my world has been erratic in its axis for the past twenty-four years now. stop, go, stop. rotating, rotating, but hardly revolving at all. evolving, at least...i hope.

hey, just because i say "pare" a lot doesn't mean i'm lesbian. the peeps at work have been ribbing me about being a closeted "tung". i know i should just let 'em, they'll tire themselves out. haha. i have a boyfriend, remember? well, jun encarnacion did have a wife. haha. nonetheless.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

god help me, i want to make my second baby...

I want to make a short film. On 35mm. I think it's just about time now. To make my second baby.
But I would want to make it for the sole desire of WANTING to tell a story, to say something. I wouldn't want to make it because "it's about time", no. That would be sort of corrupting the immaculateness of the whole process of "creating"...or whatever it's called.
God knows how I want to embrace this as my life, God knows how I want to churn out stuff, but I can't seem to sit down on it, can't seem to concentrate...God knows all this, and God ought to help me. If it's time, it's time.

Just caught another film at the French Film Festival: a Sino-French co-prod, "Balzac and the Little Seamstress". Finally, a film that somehow moved me...I guess this charming, quiet, poignant little gem (set during the Mao Zedong era in China, centering around three youngsters and their coming-of-age/awakening in the communist mountains) thrusts SEX IS COMEDY down to NO. 2 in my French Film Fest list of favorites. 6 down, 13 more to go!!!!!!

Hmmm....I think I'm curious about La Petite Lili. The poster looks nice (closeup of half of a lovely girl's face). It's showing on Friday afternoon, will definitely catch it.

Monday, June 07, 2004

my two cents' take on the french films at GB3

Have seen 5 films that are showing at the French Filml Festival in GB3 these past few days:

LE COUER DE HOMMES (French Men) - Pardon my French, but shouldn't the translation be "The Hearts of Men"? Anyway, the film is about four guy friends, aged late 30s to early 60s, who have to deal with their own personal love/family/relationship problems. Think French-masculine version of such chick flicks as Waiting to Exhale and Noon at Ngayon.

As the opening film of the festival, I was kinda expecting more. Whoa, well. I guess not all French can make interesting films. This one was a big letdown. Not even Star Cinema (commercial standards notwithstanding) would give this kind of film a go. Sorry to say!

MARIE JO ET DEUX AMOURS (Marie Jo and Her Two Lovers) - About a woman who's torn between her foreman-husband and her ship-captain lover. Sigh. Sigh, sigh sigh. Is this what I braved the bad weather for? Didn't come all the way to Greenbelt for a letdown. Shucks.

Well, at least the picturesque view (film was set in the seaside town of Marseilles) almost compensates for the bad movie.

CONTE DE AUTOMNE (An Autumn Tale) - a middle-aged widowed countrywoman becomes the target of two matchmaking ruses orchestrated by her bestfriend (a glam city woman) and the girlfriend of her son (a Felicity lookalike).

Dashes of humor every once in a while, but the ending didn't sit all that well for me. The French has been known to be fond of open endings, but this one wasn't well justified. At least it's better than Marie Jo, though.

SEX IS COMEDY - about a woman director's attempt to make a sex film. Just about the best among those I've seen so far. The film, directed with such in-your-face boldness by Catherine Breillat, was also screened at the Cinemanila last August, I think. Reminds me of Living in Oblivion.

A LA PETIT SEMAIN (Nickel and Dime) - a heist flick, but no action no-brainer. A lesser version of The Usual Suspects. The ending wasn't too bad, either. The second best film of the five I've seen, in my humble opinion.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

french leave

i took a leave from work today because i wanna go to the opening night of the newest film fest to open this side of gay manila. it's probably gonna be some ritzy, ditzy affair, with champagne all around and nearly everyone there aging over 25, but nonetheless. i may not be the glam, love-to-dress-up type but i'm going there for personnel, i mean personal reasons. haha.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

what's "bading" in french?

how do you say "bading" in french?
maybe i should ask him that, the next time i see him. :-)

Thursday, May 27, 2004

and the plot thickens...

oh no. i think he's gay.
or bisexual, at the least.
i never saw that coming. i didn't sense anything from him the first time we met. was my gay-dar failing me?
why would i believe hearsay, to begin with? if one well-meaning friend told me that it would be easy for me to dismiss it. but FIVE well-meaning friends individually telling me the same thing, the same impression, that same friggin heartbreaking opinion of theirs???
i say, two or three similar opinions can be hearsay. but five...there has got to be some amount of truth in it.

so now, after posting her picture on your friendster page, you're going gay on me?! watda...?! now you're REALLY losing me, buster...haha, as if it would matter to you, right?! paksyet ka rin!

okay, relax, you're rambling, you're neuroticizing this blog page again...

hmm. it's kinda funny, you know, when i think about it. i probably hold a record for falling for the wrongest choices. well, i've never broken my personal record. i ALWAYS fall for the wrongest choices.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

fight when you know you can win...

so they say. fight when you know you can win.

same goes when you're vying for someone's heart. fight for him, pag alam mong may pag-asa kang manalo. pag ala mong hindi imposible.

but when you're a raggedy-ann ann, a simpleton, a plain jane up against a true beauty, what's the use of fighting? you can't possibly win over her.

so i'm giving up. i've said this before, and i will say it again--i'm not going to be anyone's fallback option. if they say that the belle is indeed a belle in the truest sense, then i humbly bow out of the race. if beauty is the prime criterion, the key to winning his heart, i know there's no way i'm going to win over her. i don't have enough ammunition.

i feel even worse, for ever hoping. kapal naman ng mukhang kong umasa, kung may mga katulad nyang kagandahan na umaaligid sa kanya.

oh well. life goes on. it should.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

I had my first drag at hash last night. My mother would kill me if she knew...haha. Ten years ago, I would have frowned at myself, but it really is no big deal. I was with a bunch of artsy-indie kewlies and I wanted to know how it would feel. Alas, I expected too much...I thought I was gonna go through one psychedelic first time, but the closest "trip" that i got was down that 1.5 liter of Coke Light and the pizza box. Even drugs can't get to me. Only one thing does, I guess. One person....aaah!!!!! Shut up!!!!!

Two years ago I learned to smoke as an act of defiance. I was reeling from a botched-up college semi-romantic thingie, and i wanted to show the person that I was far from the girl he had known. (Akala mo ikaw lang ang marunong magbago...bugahan pa kita dyan). One year ago I think I really got into yosi to escape. From my cubicle existence, the cold gray walls surrounding me every (working) day, my disillusionment. Now I wonder what convenient rationale will I be coming up with to justify my first weed.

Lord help me.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Ever felt like the world just landed on your chest? Well. Only a catastrophe like that would make me write a new blog entry. I thought i'd sworn off this public mockery of a personal diary for good, but here i am...publicizing my angsts and petty pains anew. Wala e. Wala lang.
Ya know what hurts the most, at least from my opinion? When someone who used to want you no longer does. When a day you've prepared so much for just doesn't happen at all. One day it all happens, all of a sudden everything you've come to believe (or convinced yourself into believing) just turns out to be all one grand pathetic ILLUSION. One day you gather enough courage to "add" that certain person into your friendster account--call it a "move" to make papansin, a little feeler to him from this hoping little heart--and the next day you see his girlfriend's face smiling back at you on his friendster's Primary Photo. Okay. Ouch. Wake up, bitch. Dream time over.

I know very few people I know would probably understand, but it hurt like hell. To make things much worse, just imagine me preparing meticulously the next morning for a meeting with him that day. The morning passes, and he doesn't show up. Aray ko naman. I was rehearsing the things I was gonna say to you, man. I was picturing how the morning's conversation would go. And then you would text me to say, "Leave the package na lang sa information...". You have no friggin' idea how that stung me. After the agony of having to live through that Friendster discovery, this one was another nail on my cross.

Syet kasi e. Lahat na lang sila. Kundi bading, magkaka-GF, o mag-aasawa. Wala naman akong balat sa pwet a! e bakit kung sinong gusto ko, di ko makuha? Naturingan na ngang semi-kachakahan, di ko pa rin makuha. Yun namang never kong pinangarap na pansinin ako, sya namang paramdam nang paramdam. Putsa naman! Lord, penge naman ng konting requited love dyan, para maiba-iba naman! I don't want just anyone, Lord, you know that. I want JUST ONE. Just One. My Sacre Coeur. My Notre Dame. My River Seine. Right now, sya lang. Sya lang, sya lang. Ayoko ng iba.

WEll, it's just my luck, my golgotha--the one I want right now no longer wants me. that is, if he had ever wanted me at all. (derisive laughter!) For all I know, it was just all in this loosely-bolted, screwed up head of mine. Everything was just one grand, pathetic, neurotic illusion. and all the more should it hurt, coz I was believing in something that never came to exist. How do you do it? Convince yourself out of believing what has turned out to be a non-truth, a farce, a lie, a bitchin product of my imagination?

Truth hurts, man, but gudda live with it. You don't give a shit if I burst off the face of the earth. This has happened to so many people so many times before, it's a virtual cliche. It's so common a predicament it's become the stuff of melodrama. But what the hell. One doesn't start thinking that something's real unless it actually happens to her. A dozen times over.

Monday, March 22, 2004

I'm new to this, so forgive me...i may tend to be a little...ditzy.
I'm in a place so hot, so tight, so...claustrophobic this must be how it feels like when you're inside another breathing human being. except that you're a fully grown creature, too, with perfectly-functioning limbs and a mind that craves for the great outdoors...
well, i had a mind that did crave for that...wasn't that the reason why i left my office space a month ago? ah, my cubicle! my own little space in the world! i've always had a mind that craved for the great i shifted gears. now i'm in the "great outdoors"...and it's friggin' hot!
i'm in love! i think i am. with a dream. a dream that so many other dreamers have. but i keep dreaming, anyway, so what. you wanna be a director, honey? take a number. sit right next to...uhm, let's see...that big fat guy over there with the artsy-fartsy look and the dreadlocks...he wants to be a professional film director, too. and he's been waiting in line for the entirety of his 20s (he's turning 30 a month and a monkey's breath from now), so good luck to him, and to you, too.
okay, that's one thing to tackle for the rest of my life, how about now? let's focus on one boytoy at a time, to lighten things up, to make things a little rosy, to divert our attention from our one great love. friendster is a gift from the brilliant lord, i got to find my current "kinatutuwaan" through it...and guess what? there's probably a belle in his life. she-et. i wonder if that same belle is, indeed, the belle of his present life.
million-euro question: what is her relationship to you?