Tuesday, June 27, 2017

rare days

i know i should make the most of these rare days when i would be practically task-free. recharge. rebuild myself. rejuvenate. make up for busy days by spending more time with family.

but there's a cookie order, and it's due in 3 days. so.. i tried to juggle that with all the other things-to-do-when-the-things-to-do-are-done.

akala mo nakalimutan ko na si Papa Hugh. haha. he's part of the survival kit, that beautiful epitome of whatever it is that makes women like me believe in forever. just like that beautiful beach at the far end of the Pinas that I'd been dreaming about for quite some time now.

getaway. escape. happy thought.

something beautiful-- tao man, hayop, bagay-- should be well-tended, should be preserved. kaya nakakahinayang is Keanu. he has one of the most beautiful faces I've ever seen. pero hindi nya inalagaan. it wouldn't be vanity, to keep a beautiful face beautiful. maintaining that beauty would be a lot like preserving an art piece. it's not about the owner of that face anymore, dahil ang kahit anong maganda, subject to appreciation ng ibang tao. beauty uplifts, inspires, can even make people happy. so it's not about you anymore, Keanu dude. you did a disservice to all of us who appreciate that beautiful face of yours by letting it go.

kaya itong si Hugh kung pwede lang sanang i-preserve in an airtight bottle ang kagandahan. para hindi mag-age, magdeteriorate o maluma. can i stop time so that you'd be beautiful forever? yes, ganun ako ka-smitten sa perfection that is you. kung si Keanu, mukha. ikaw, holistic, beh.  from head to toe, inside and out. talent, intelligence, character. hinakot mo na lahat, pati puso ko.

Haha. Hi there, husband. okay lang naman sa yo, di ba? di ba? :-)




Monday, June 26, 2017

the one that got away

mas matagal kong nakarelasyon ang "misis" ko ngayon. december 2008 ko sya niligawan, 2009, kami na. hanggang sa tuluyan na akong nagpakasal sa kanya.

pero nang niligawan ko si "misis", i was reeling from a heartbreak. from a dream na medyo matagal ko ring minahal. i fell in love with it in 1998, nang nagshift ako ng kurso para ipursue sya nang seryoso. we've had our ups and downs, hanggang sa nung 2008, narealize kong hindi ako emotionally-equipped to pursue that "relationship". to still pursue it, after what happened in 2008, would have been hazardous probably, not only to me, but possibly to other people. i was afraid of my own passion for that "love". i was afraid it would blind me, like how it literally did, that fateful day in 2007. i was afraid it would drive me to cause pain to others, indirectly man or otherwise. i was afraid that it would bring out the worst in me.

so i let that love go, because at that time i had felt it was the right thing to do. if a relationship can bring out the worst in you, it's no longer going to be a healthy one. hindi ko makakalimutan ang sinabi sa akin ng isa sa mga earliest mentors namin -- the fact that you still wanted to continue with it, it means you haven't learned the lesson. and in a way, oo, tama sya.  walang growth sa pagkatao mo kung hindi mo marirealize ang mali mo.

it had been an accident. on my part, at least. it happened, but i did not want it to happen, i did not even notice it happening. mahirap mang paniwalaan. para akong kabayo na may takip sa mga gilid ng mata, too focused on getting what i wanted, hindi ko na napansin yung mga nangyayaring iba sa paligid ko. even yung nangyayari right before my very eyes.

pero dahil dun, may mga nasaktan. hindi physically, pero mas malalim. at alam ko dadalhin ko yun sa konsensya ko habambuhay. it's been 9 years,  i'm okay now. i don't know if the people na nasaktan are okay ngayon. sana.

takot na ako sa sobrang passion. takot na sa sobrang ambition. because if you care about something too much, it becomes your weakness. and it brings out the worst in you sometimes.

9 long years na since i "broke up" with the ex, pero you can't ignore those 10 years na minahal ko sya. yung old love ko na yon, gave me the most unforgettable highs i'd ever had in my 20s.

yung ginagawa mo ang isang bagay na you care so much about, wala kang nararamdamang gutom o  pagod o puyat.

yung napanood mo for the first time ang final outcome ng bagay na yun na you care so much about, and you feel horrible because you think it's not good enough.

yung araw na napanood ng iba for the first time yung "anak" mo, and they loved it. and you couldn't believe it, because you had thought it sucked.

then that wonderful year, when that "anak" of yours, borne from your love for this thing you want to commit your life to,  makes all that pagod and all that gastos and all those sacrifices worth it. it validated your worth, as a person, as a worker, as a young person dreaming of marrying this love of your life. it gave you so much hope, a lot of confidence, it made you believe that your dreams can come true.

but all that--validation, honors, awards, recognition-- may not have been the right reason why you wanted to commit to this one great love of yours. may allergy na ako sa ego ngayon. if you do things for your own ego... it's a selfish purpose.

kaya iniwan ko si ex bago pa man nya ako talagang pakasalan. and at that point i didn't even know if i was worthy enough para pakasalan nya ako. kaya sabi ko sa sarili ko, hanggat driven ako by the need for validation, para manalo ng award, para sumikat etc-- hindi ko sya babalikan. dahil hindi sya makakabuti sa akin.  o sa kahit sino.

alam ko marami namang nagtatrabaho for their own egos. pero kanya kanya tayo ng journey, and in mine, i got really burned. maybe it was God preventing me from making bigger mistakes in the future. maybe it was God telling me-- hindi ka pa ready para dyan.

but the passion i had for that one great love, hindi ko makakalimutan. i haven't felt passion that intense. that all-consuming. it may have brought out the worst in me. but it also brought out the best in me.

so now I'm "married" to my current career for 8 years.  and the passion has been running low. this has become a job.  a duty to carry out, so that i can the bills, save up for the future. i get fulfillment from it every now and then, but not enough to take me back to the passionate soul that i had been, 10 years ago.

stasis. cul de sacs. i'm grateful for everything. for the semblance of stability. for the money. for the comfort. but there's this feeling--- is this all there is? is this where life will end? i don't feel the drive to strive harder to climb up the corporate ladder. if i imagine myself in a higher position sa linyang ito, i don't get excited. i don't see the joy in it. i only see the responsibilities na kaakibat nun. and a whole lot of self-doubt.  it's not a dead end job. but why do i not see myself being driven enough to achieve more, to climb higher, to soar?

i was raised that way. Achiever ang tawag sa personality type na yon, according The Enyagram.  but i have lost that part of me.  either naburn ako nang sobra from that traumatic breakup 7 or 8 years ago. or i am not where i should be.

so i think about that old love a lot these days. not a lot, but more often than before. i wonder if magiging mas masaya ba, kung mabubuhay ba ang pagkatao ko, kung ligawan ko sya ulit.  i wouldn't know how or where to start. alam ko magiging malaking sugal, switching from one career to another. like practically starting over. but i wonder if the leap would be worth it.

mas madaling magdesisyon kung hindi ako breadwinner. kung wala akong mga bills. kung walang hinuhulugang lupa, walang maliit na anak. walang asawa at pamilya. i'd go for it. but there's a lot i might lose, if things don't work out.  the money. the stability.

whenever i feel like i suck at what i do now, i always wonder-- mas magiging mahusay ba ako as something else? whenever i would feel like i'm too tired to want to strive harder, too tired to keep getting better, i find myself wondering if i'd be more passionate.. doing something else?

kung babalikan ko man yung minahal ko noon.. iba na ang motivation. money na. at self-fulfillment. money would be easier if you love what you do. but then puro what-ifs and i wonders lang ako. dahil ang realidad ng buhay, the grass will always be greener on the other side of the fence. ang realidad, pwede kang mag-fail. pwedeng akala mo kaya mo, pero di mo pala kaya. o kung kakayanin mo nga, pero ang laki naman ng masasakripisyo sa personal life mo. less time for family. less time for your child, your husband.

kung kakayanin ko, will the money i would earn be all worth the sacrifices? siguro. gagawan ng paraan. pero bottom line, ang tanong-- kakayanin ko ba?

at this point, i cannot afford to do some trial and error. duwag ako. maraming responsibilidad. so maybe i will always be wondering. and hoping, praying na kung sakali mang para doon talaga ako, si Lord na ang gumawa ng paraan.

duwag talaga ako, noon pa man. fresh from resigning from my office job in 2004, i was offered to be an assistant director. tinanggihan ko, dahil natakot ako baka di ko kaya. lesson learned- SAY YES, THEN DO YOUR DAMN BEST PARA KAYANIN.

but then that was 2004. i was single. i wasn't the breadwinner. now is not like before.

so Lord, kung anuman ang plano nyo para sa akin, i leave everything to You. kung para ako dito, things will be as they are, and maybe my mindset will change. my passion will return. pero kung para ako sa The One that Got Away ko, alam ko kayo na ang gagawa ng paraan.











Saturday, June 17, 2017

Purpose

I want the sparkle back into this dull-spirited shell that is me.  

Akalain mo, akala ko graduate na ako sa pagiging emo. That's so circa 2005. Pero wala e. Minsan kelangan mo ng outlet. Kelangan mong mag-emo paminsan minsan. Mag-dump paminsan minsan. At busy lahat mga friends ko. Busy rin ang mister ko. 


I stumbled upon this entry, dated December 2007. Nakakarelate ako sa pagod ng 2007 self ko. 



"at 3 am, mari-realize mo na wala na ang puso mo sa trabahong nakatulong na bumuhay sa yo for the past few years. you're where you want to be, but not doing what you really want to do. na ok lang naman for a while, pero nakarating ka sa puntong hindi ka na excited. hindi mo na maramdaman ang sense of adventure, yung sense of exploring something new. at pera na lang talaga ang nagiging be all end all ng lahat. ironically, hindi naman kalakihan ang binabayad nila sa yo. at gustuhin mo mang mag-explore ng ibang opportunities, hindi ito ang tamang panahon. nakatali ka sa isang bagay na magiging pag-asa mo. para matupad ang mga pangarap, hindi rin. you carry no illusions about what you're about to get into, from the moment that you signed on that contract. at mari-realize mo na siguro, gusto mo lang talagang yumaman. gusto mong magka-CRV. gusto mong mabili ang lahat ng gusto mo. gusto mong mag-provide para sa pamilya mo. gusto mong mag-enjoy sa trabaho mo kahit papano and at the same time kumita ng malaki. middle ground. compromise. everything in life is a compromise. may mga bagay sa buhay na hindi makukuha sa passions alone. o sa pagiging "extremist" for the sake of passion
at 4 am, pagod ka na. wala ka nang kilala, wala ka nang kinakausap, hindi ka na makangiti. biglang papasok sa isip mo ang mga bagay na dapat gawin for skwela. mga bagay na gagawin mo for passion's sake. ang saya nga naman talaga, going to school and doing the things you're tasked to do, not thinking about what you're going to get in return. not thinking about grades, or feedback. not thinking of reactionary results. and to think na someone once said na napaka-"I Have to Win" ng personality ko. being in school again somehow changed all that... 



...hindi na katulad ng dati ang buhay mo dahil sa skwela, pero naging simbolo na sya ng napakaraming bagay sa yo. para syang isang taong nagbawal ng maraming bagay sa buhay mo, nag-impose ng maraming rules, naging rason kung bakit kelangan mong mag-cut off ng ties from many people you've known in your recent life, pero mahal mo sya. dahil andami mong giniveup para sa kanya, dahil andami mo nang sinakripisyong opportunities, dahil somehow minulat ka nya sa katotohanan na niloloko mo lang ang sarili mo, na being where you want to be won't bring the same kind of happiness as doing what you really want to do."


ang tagal na nito, and i have all but moved on. pero nakakalungkot lang, because i was so full of hope.  at madami-dami na rin akong na-sacrifice para sa schooling ko noon, which i had seen as the key to my dreams.  yung scholarship na yun ang lunduyan ng mga pangarap ko at that time. 


nakakalungkot, dahil two months after this blog entry in december 2007, i lost the scholarship.


it's funny, how God maneuvers things in our lives. alam Nya kung paano ako nangarap noon. alam Nya kung nasaan ang puso ko. pero hinayaan Nyang mangyari yung nangyari on December 2007. it was His way of redirecting me maybe.. to where i am now.. or it was a test, hanggang ngayon hindi pa ako sure.  i had thought He had meant for me to forget my directing dreams dahil He had meant for me to become a writer, to be where I am now. Pero dahil sa mga nararamdaman ko ngayon.. hindi ko na sigurado. 


dahil ngayon, mauulit ko ang entry ko na nasa taas. iba nga lang ang trabaho. 


"at 3 am, mari-realize mo na wala na ang puso mo sa trabahong nakatulong na bumuhay sa yo for the past few years. you're where you want to be, but not doing what you really want to do. na ok lang naman for a while, pero nakarating ka sa puntong hindi ka na excited. hindi mo na maramdaman ang sense of adventure, yung sense of exploring something new. at pera na lang talaga ang nagiging be all end all ng lahat..."


ang difference lang.. mas malaki ang binabayad sa akin.  and I guess, that makes all the difference in the world. 


kaya, siguro, wala akong karapatang magreklamo. dahil binibigay naman sa akin ang kelangan ko.  


pero in my dreariest moments, napapaisip ako.  am i really where i am meant to be? in a job i am meant to do? kung ganon bakit hindi ako masaya? gusto kong maging masaya. iniisip ko yung buhay ng mga direktor kong kakilala. yung mga dating PA, AD, kasama ko sa production na ngayon, nagdidirek na. masaya kaya sila? kung babalik ako dun, kakayanin ko kaya? magagawa ko kaya nang mahusay, mahusay enough to make it a career? will it suit my life? will it bring back the passion to my soul? dahil feeling ko ngayon, ang patay patay ko na inside. feeling ko ngayon, pumupugak-pugak na makina ako. kung passion ang gasolina.. running low. pa-empty tank na. kelangan nang mag-refill.


pero may deadline pa. today. 31 sequences. nakaka-1 pa lang ako at hindi pa sya maayos.


ang sweldo nito, baka sa july pa. or august. depende sa bilis ng mga bagay bagay.  


siguro wag ko na lang isipin. i-autopilot ko na lang dahil kelangan matapos.  now is not the time to ponder over the state of my life or kung anong balak ng Diyos para sa akin.  there's a deadline to meet.


i'll just leave the question here. Lord, what am i really meant to do? 




P.S. kung pwede nga lang na ang main purpose ko sa buhay, maging nanay at asawa. game ako. pero money. hindi kaya.  but i would love to be a full-time mother to my daughter. feeling ko mas madali yung gawin, hehe. mas maeenjoy ko. kakaririn ko ang pagpapalaki sa anak ko.






Monday, June 12, 2017

Hula

Two days ago, nagpahula ako.
Actually, hindi daw sya manghuhula. Oracle sya.

bakit nga ba ako pumatol sa ganito? under normal circumstances, hindi. pero siguro gusto ko rin ng konting guidance sa gumugulo sa isip ko. may isang bagay akong gustong gawin, pero hindi ko alam kung tama bang gawin.

may tanong ako. at naghahanap ako ng sagot. last time na nagkaroon ako ng urge na magpahula, was 3 years ago. the same concerns, the same thing that I had wanted to do but I wasn't sure if it was going to be a wise thing to do. pero for some reason hindi ko naituloy ang session na yun.

so during my "session" two days ako.. ang unang lumabas sa "work/career" cards ko--- ang card with the word "skills".  sumunod, ang card na "intensity", then ang card na "harmony", pagkatapos ang card na "consciousness".  anong ibig sabihin nun, tanong ko.  sabi ni oracle, i have the skills daw para ituloy kung anuman ang ginagawa ko ngayon. kailangan ko lang magfocus (hence, "intensity"), ibigay ang out of the box na demands ng trabaho ko, and all we be in harmony.  money, at the table. ready for the taking. basta daw magtrabaho ako.  unlike, say, that other option, na kailangan pang trabahuhin.

at least, puro positive ang cards na lumabas. at unang una doon yung "skills". which answers one of my fundamental questions-- am i skilled enough for this job? after 8 years... oo, hindi pa rin ako sigurado. hindi ko alam kung bakit. siguro kasi lately mas madalas kong maramdaman yung mga cul de sac moments kesa sa mga eureeka moments. mas madalas makaramdam ng pagod kesa inspirasyon.  yung feeling na nabigay ko nang lahat sa last few projects na natapos ko, at wala nang natira sa loob.

lagi namang mahirap itong trabahong ito. kahit yung mga unquestionably magagaling, i'm sure nahihirapan din. siguro ang difference... yung passion mo para i-tackle ang mahirap.  what drives you to do what needs to be done makes all the difference.

admittedly, i am driven by money. at sabi din ng oracle, i see what i do as a job. alam ko na yun, matagal tagal na.  while i'm relieved that i am probably not lacking in skills (8 years ba naman, beeyatch, siguro naman may expertise ka na, kahit kaunti), it's not what i should be afraid of. i should be afraid of losing the passion to do what i need to do needs to get done.

kung leftbrain work ito, hidni sya problema. but writing requires more than just skills. it requires emotional involvement. you need to put your heart into it, to be able to write authentically, sincerely, movingly. you can autopilot yourself, hack your way towards completion, but usually it doesn't come out well if you do it that way.

saan makakabili ng passion? saan makakabili ng inspirasyon? kelangan ko sa trabaho ko. mamumuhunan na ako kung mabibili lang yun.

i choose to see the bright side. at least, may "skills" daw. spelled out na, bes. skills doesn't mean excellence, but at least it means you're not some hack pretending to be skilled at what you do.

so ngayon, may deadline. 1 full body, 10+ seqs, kailangan na by morning. it's 2 am. at wala pa ako sa kalahata. skills ba kamo ang meron ka? pwes, gamitin mo, letche. mamaya na i-summon ang passion at inspiration, kapag natapos mo na ang body 1. at least man lang, makapagdeliver ka on time using skills and conscientiousness alone.

o, ANO PANG GINAGAWA MO? MAGTRABAHO KA NA! dahil sabi ng "self" cards mo, WORK should be your main concern this year--- hindi ka pwedeng tumigil sa pagtatrabaho. dahil may mga pangangailangan, may mga gastusin. malamang mga 1-2 script days lang ang suswelduhin mo para sa paulit-ulit na drafts na ito (3rd draft ongoing), pero hangga't hindi nyo naipapasa ang latest draft at hindi sila nagro-roll... hindi pa darating ang kadatungan.

kaya tapusin na yan, beeyatch. para maipasa na. at maitape na. at makasweldo ka na.

maraming salamat sa rf. pero need natin mag-save like we've never saved before. i am dreaming of a cutoff for myself--- by the time i'm 40. i should be financially-free enough to make the leap. but then again, maraming pwedeng mangyari in 3 years. we never know. because the place i'm in, the missus i have, sya yung tipong hindi pwedeng basta basta lang. kung hihiwalayan mo si missus, kailangang pag-isipang mabuti... pagnilay-nilayan... dahil ayaw mo namang pagsisihan ang desisyon mo.

so morning deadline, here i come. i will CONQUER you. and submit on time. before 12 noon. morning pa rin naman ang 11:59 am. :-)

DREAM BEACH VACAY: amanpulo, palawan. my current island of dreams. in another place and time, binibisita ko ang lugar na yun... nakabikini... looking beach-girl perfect... feeling the sand on my feet, the calm waters around my legs, seeing perfection all around me, living another life away from the mundane concerns of my reality.