Thursday, March 30, 2006

collecting memories

rain on a summer night. we'll probably be getting more of these soon, around late may or june, but rain in late march is somekinda rare, something that makes me happy, so i have to put it on record.

just like today. rare, somekinda happy day. having worked for only five hours, on a non-dayoff. the Control Room was quiet the entire morning--two days to go so the Bro has been giving its subjects the "silent treatment"--and the entire morning we spent watching them sleep, eating breakfast, making chika. Hay, the Control Room. My favorite place in the scheme of my current working world. and probably one of the fond memories i'd take with me, come BahBye Time.

quotable quotes:

"kuya (name of TD#1), stay tayo with (name of subject). buton na lang every now and then ke (name of subject)" - me at the SE's chair. pa-timid pa kuno.

"sana merong frontal!" - producer on the chair, sarcasm included. hehe...spoof-able!

"ak-SHUN!" - the TDs joking around with the camera men.

"yi-HEE!" - the TDs pairing off some loveteam within the premises.

"Go, 'dre!" / "Go (camera number)!" / "Papa (name of TD) sundan mo si (name of subject)!" - one senior SE's spoofable standard lines when on the chair

"babalikan kita tungkol dyan..." - the Bro's standard non-commital line to a subject inside the kumpisalan (which can be translated to mean as "ikokonsulta muna namin sa mga bossing kung anong gagawin sa kaso mo")

memory imprints...

...the view of those 28 cameras in the Control Room, from where i usually sit. an initially intimidating frontal full shot.
...playing voyeur to every move and nuance of subjects oncam
...waking up the subjects in the morning (i love doing this!)
...putting on that headset
...the laughs and the good-natured ribbings

sayang. i think tomorrow will be the last operation day at the Control Room, and i'm stuck on the shift i hate the most. goodbye, 28 cameras, hello idiot boards. and VTRs. life can still be a bitch, really, even when you're soooo close to the end.

wishes before the big bahbye:
1. a chance to sing the theme song on videoke with the beeyatchy Frog Princess. though he admits that he doesn't like the song and hasn't memorized a line from it.
2. drinks, videoke, and fun times with the co-workers after D Big Culmination. just to end this experience on a high and happy note.
3. a happy glowing moment to remember with the former Favorite Person. for the sake of good memories to take with me.
4. a group picture with everyone.
5. a picture with the Finalists.
6. a solo picture with the Frog Princess. bullfrog talaga sya, lagi na lang syang uma-appear sa mga wishlists ko. we're not gravitating towards old habits again are we?
7. a light, ngarag-proof, stress-free day tomorrow. sana walang rush VTRs na ipapagawa. i HATE having to make those dang VTRs.
8. a happy glowing moment to remember with the Frog Princess. (sheeet! ikaw na naman?!)

on to other trivialities...

now i know where the difference lies between good flirts and bad flirts. good flirts flatter you. bad flirts leave you feeling embarrassed...for them. the hirits are so explicit and on-the-nose, they might as well be stealing lines from some sitcom like Palibhasa Lalake.

case examples:

Scenario 1:
Bad Flirt(to me): ikaw na naman (ang ka-shift ko)? alam mo malapit na kong maniwala sa fate e.
Me: ah talaga.
Junathan (to me): oo nga, kita nyo magkakulay pa kayo ng damit. ikaw pink...
Me: ...tapos sya violet. magkakulay nga no?
Bad Flirt: baka eto na nga yung last time na makasabay kita sa shift for this season...(evinces mock-sad face)
Me: a talaga? so naiiyak ka?
Bad Flirt: nangingilid na nga luha ko e.

Scenario 2:
Bad Flirt(notices my phone): Saffron, may phone ka pala? (hello, imposible namang hindi nya alam yon)
Me: oo. so?
Bad Flirt: e di may number din yan?
Bad Flirt: (di na talaga kinakaya ito) Alam ka ba?
Bad Flirt: hindi, kulang lang sa buwan.
Me: okay, malamang.

Scenario 3:
Kuya (jokingly, to me): Sumasaya talaga ang araw ko pag andito si Saffron e...
Bad Flirt (to Kuya, referring to me): Huy, akin na yan a!
Me (outraged): Ang kapal nyo...! Tadyakan ko kayo dyan e!

Scenario 3 is particularly funnily annoying. I'm probably too masungit for my own good but really have biases against bad flirts. either they're signature playboys or they're closet torpe-dos. don't like the former for obvious reasons; don't like the latter because i've always found confidence a major attraction. there ARE subtle flirting ways that are both intriguing and flattering at the same time. na kahit ano pang itsura ng isang lalake, kung alam nyang gawin, will charm the girls off their feet.

or maybe that's just me.

which leads me to a major conclusion: i'm scared of the Good Flirt.

and yes, Bad Flirts are actually a much safer place.

Bad Flirts, and gays.

marginal notes on big bwatha

i want pratty to win big bwatha. i'm no fan and i never was, but the character that he's shown these past 55 days somehow convinced me that he is, among the four, the most deserving to win. the everyguy who tries his best to be good. A for effort, A for goodwill.

the y-speak spokesmodel would've been a close rival but love has proven to be her achilles' heel. shet, sayang. despite her intelligence, turns out that she could still be swayed by her emotions. now she looks happy, floating, lost in her own world. but she's lost sight of the real reason why she's in there.

as for the underwear model she seems to have fallen for, well, he's chilled way too much--even during circumstances that call for someone to play the Hero--to regain my sympathy. in many ways, he's just a boy. and it will take more than two days for him to convince the world otherwise.

and the ex-escort girl? when the mariposa dude(tte) left da haus para syang bumbilyang napundi. she lost her glow. well, not long after that "mariposa" comin out episode, she had attached herself way too much to rustyrus and lost her own identity. dun pa naman nanggagaling ang charm nya. i want the escort girl of the early big bwatha days--candid, funny, light and lissome. but love has proven to be her waterloo, as well. she loved the bestfriend too much.

three days to go. probably goin to be the longest three days of my current life.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

summer sunshine

my last day off before the Big BaBye. and just when the end is so near the days just tend to keep...plodding along. going and going and going.

this morning i came from a 10-hour shift at the Control Room and went straight to the Piecing-It-Together phase. it was a loooong night with so many things happening nearly all at the same time and i had to finish piecing together all the stories ASAP. no deadlines. just ASAP.

which was friggin hard when your body at the moment just wouldn't friggin cooperate. despite the extra-joss-and-coffee mix you'd taken in some hours earlier. a ten-minute break from the waking world was what it demanded. so you sleep. bakit kasi hindi na lang ako adik para dilat ako buong magdamag maghapon.

it was dreary in there, working with only completion in mind, not giving enough thought or care as to whether you're still making sense or not. of course you have to make sense. but you don't nurture each baby with the same semblance-of-TLC that you used to give. can't afford it. i never could afford it anyway. so every item i piece in was something from the assembly line. nakapila for the cutting room. which is what they only ask of you. they don't ask for passion. they only require results. the pinis pradak. delivered quick and ASAP.

12 in the afternoon and three more stories to go. i'd completed five in a span of four hours, but root of the matter was that i still wasn't done. and so every second kept pressing on.

the princess showed up. he helped me out. i would've hugged him for it. when the Mother Goose came in to give him a kiss, i asked, "Ako, walang kiss?" The Mother Goose obligingly gave me three--mwahmwahmwah--but i wasn't asking for a kiss from her, i was asking from HIM. haha. silent inside joke between me and myself.

and then i was left alone with the princess, us working on our own stories. coming from the dreary dark fiery emotions of the past twenty hours his presence was sunshine to the soul. but crunch time is crunch time, let's set aside the choco crunchies time for later. galit galit muna, tumawa ka muna dyang mag-isa. gudda do what we gudda do, and so the seconds pressed on.

when i was done by 3 pm i didn't want to leave just yet. i wanted to bask in the sunshine that was overshadowing the memory of my past twenty hours. i needed it, because it kept me healthy. it neutralized the negativity that was building up in me. i needed laughs. and he was one of those few people in da premises that could bring me that. him and his acerbic wit, him and his hirits. the stuff that we laugh about. the idiosyncrasies-to-poke-fun-at. if there was anything i'd learned in the twenty hours that had passed it would've been the Art of Distrust, but he makes me want to make exceptions. i didn't fully trust him, but at least i trusted him more than most others in that place.

if there must absolutely be someplace to go, then i would choose a safe place. and you are that.

four days, going on three. and then an immediate segue to another world. barely have time to breathe. barely have time to go on a beach vacation. sana ma-move naman ang grind date. sana kahit mga isang linggo. for me to unwind a bit, then get ready to wind myself back up again.

barely have the time to do preprod work. but i must. because the next one might be more vital to the master plan than i probably think.

fg used to be my bright spot during those kiligtopia days. now he's plain sunshine, period. it's so beautiful to lurve someone who's so innocent and clueless about your feelings. lurve, not in the same way as before, not with the same expectations. but lurve, nonetheless. i'll miss you when this is over.

Friday, March 24, 2006

strangely, i had a few laughs today

Interesting personages on a not-so-usual day:

Ariel Mermaid. Ohmagawd, she's gay. First time I heard it from her I mustered my best impression of a poker face. I didn't see that comin. She's in a relationship with the butch, Aiza Seguerra-type of lesbian chick. The dynamics of that kind of role-playing relationship escapes me. If I were lesbian I'd probably go for the feminine types, not for girls dressing up as boys. Then again, pakialam ko naman di ba. Live and let live, so they say.

The TDs. Such laidback chillin guys, compared to the--ehem--Gods. They're pretty cool and friendly if you try to get to know them better. Over the intercom in the middle of work they were discussing plans for a summer outing. How funny. I love laughing with them in the mornings.

BoraKid. He used to be interesting until he started being Typical. Nothing bad if we consider the norms, but it turns me off. In most cases, nearly all the time. The walls automatically rise up around me. The game becomes too predictable and I develop aversion. Because they probably do it with everyone else. In a skirt.

In fairness to him, though, his jokes are way too corny to not make me laugh.

Clyde. the mild-mannered kid who fell in love with the wrong guy. I know how he feels. And my heart goes out to him, sensing the fondness he tries to conceal each time he talks about the person. On the outside he seems stable and...normal. Goes to show how little we can actually know about people, basing it only on casual acquaintance.

Raging Bull. Still in love with FG. My heart goes out to him as well, because I used to be in the same boat, too. I like him as a person, mainly because he gave me flowers on Valentine's Day. Haha!I'm that cheap. Bulaklak lang ang katapat
presyo ng friendship ko. And words of compassion. And wise advice. And solicitousness. Add to that the fact that we have one common denominator and somehow that's basically where my fondness for the person is coming from: the similar experience of loving the same person. Who happens to not give a friggin shit. Haha.

Hey dude, I hope you get over it soon. He's a nice person and all, but he's not worth it. And when you do get over him I'm almost sure that he might even thank you for it. That's how hopeless it actually is. Which I know your mind understands. But the heart knows no logic at all, and that's the harshest thing about your case. Which was the harshest thing about my case as well.

This afternoon in the middle of a meeting he said to me: Meron kang hindi sinasabi sa kin.

Which drove me nuts.

Me: Ano?
Him: Yung bagong object of your affection.
Me: Ha?! Sino?
Him: Yung ka-yosi mo sa madaling araw.

Of course I didn't stop grilling him about it. I didn't let up. Cajoled, prodded, tried to trade off info. But the nagging feeling that he might have gotten it from THIS blog is still here. Shit. I'll be damned, if that's the case. I do hope he was telling the truth when he said he had gotten that chika from another person.

Me: Ano ba yung alam mo?
Him: You tell me kung anong alam ko.
Me: Tell me first, and then I'll tell you what I know. (conspiratorial smile. mwahaha) Kumusta naman kayo?
Him: (silent. then starts to sing a heartbreaking love song)
Me: I'll tell you what I know if you tell me what you know.
Him: I think I know what you know anyway.
Me: That's what you think.
Him: Or at this point it's immaterial.
Me: Talaga? (beat) Those things don't go away all that easily. (with an I-know-because-I've-been-there tone).

He didn't say anything. Haha. Love is a weakness.

Sarcasm Spasm. Thank you for being the first person to ever think that I am actually just a dumb girl. Hmm. Maybe it would be fun to play the part for the rest of my tenancy. For a change.

Jill Up The Hill. Four firstborns?! Are you friggin kidding? Ang tinik mo dude. And all the while I had thought you were gay. Big laugh. Sana crush ka na lang talaga ni...

...Pare Hanap Tayong Keps. Who's so proud of his history of "sexual harrassment" that he tells it to every new crowd he meets. And who was also accused of having a crush on...

...Sweatshirt Dude. "Secret" crushes mean nothing to this mini-community. Nothing's too sacred to not be laid out in the open. And so today PHTK was the "victim". Now everybody thinks that he's got the hots for this guy. Haha. In fairness, though, Sweatshirt Dude ain't so bad, but looks ain't everything. And if you ask me, his looks ain't enough to compensate for what-is-wrong-with-the-picture.

Holly Go Lightly. He says I'm stubborn. He's right. But a moment came when I was about to soften up, when I was about to actually see him in a different light, and then someone showed up. Okay. Wala ka rin palang pinagkaiba sa Typical. Kawawa naman ang taong magko-commit sa yo dahil walang kwenta sa mga katulad mo ang salitang commitment.

But you flatter me. And any positive feeling these days is certainly gonna be helpful--even something as superficial as that. Kaya sige lang, do your thing whenever you feel like it. I won't stop you but I won't encourage you either. Anyway as if naman may kapupuntahan yan.

FG. With the former Favorite Person gone down the bowels of uncherished memory, he's back up the charts as my Happiest Thought at Anytime of the Day. Friends tayo, di ba? Kahit may pagka-beeyatchy ka at walang kwenta sa yo ang feelings ng mga "tagahanga" mo, you're still somekinduva special person to me. I will always be protective of you, will always have it in my heart to want to take care of you. Kahit di mo kailangan at mas steady ka sa kin. Kahit ako ang nangangailangan ng tagapag-alaga sa mga panahong ganito.

Kung kailangan mo ng mahihingahan ng kilig o inis tungkol sa mga taong naiirita ka dahil sobrang mahal ka nila, andito lang ako. Syempre makakarinig ka sa kin ng mga okray, pero makakasiguro kang makikinig ako. Gaga ka talaga. Masyado kang nasanay
sa pagiging special. Kaya tine-take for granted mo na lang ang special treatment ng mga tao. Ano namang masama kung bilhan ka ni RB ng breakfast. Tapos tinapon mo pa. Ang bad mo talaga! Buti na lang tapos na ko sa phase na yon at immune na ko sa mga kaeklavuhan mo, kung hindi baka hindi na rin kita pinagkikikibo ngayon.

Anyway. Wish ko lang bago matapos ang eleven days eh makapag-duet tayo ng song nina Toni at Sam. You'll be Sam and I'll be Toni. Or pwede ring ikaw si Toni at ako si Sam. Tutal soprano ka rin naman. Gusto mo yon?

I won't be around next season kaya Advanced Happy Birthday na lang. Til the next serendipitous moment na lang uli. Try not too break too many hearts. Kapal mo! :-)

Funny Ribbings on an Artificially Cold Day:
Guy1: Saffron, di ba type mo yung mga may aurang bading?
Guy2: E si Guy3, type mo?
Guy3: Saffron, bading ako...(ano,type mo ko?)
Me: (looks at him) Namimili naman ako ng mga bading no.
Guy3: (a beat) Saffron gago ka a.

Haha! No offense. But just so they'll know that there are no doors to this house. Not for the likes of them, at least. Just for the record, to put the padlock on for good.

Ah shet. I hate my schedule for tomorrow. I'm going to work early so that I can make the darn daily sked the soonest time possible.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

man, this chick's got issues

top ten male-related pet peeves:
1. men who openly ogle at girls, from bumper-to-hooter.
2. men with girlfriends/wives who still flirt with other women.
3. guys who have "desperate" practically stamped on their foreheads.
4. female-condescending macho types.
5. bitchy gays who vent their life angsts/gender frustrations on females.
6. playboys. naku, hate ko talaga sila.
7. feeling-playboys. mas lalo na tong mga 'to.
8. men who kiss-and-tell.
9. guys who tell other people that "so-and-so is in love with me", whether it's true or not.
10.closeted/confused gays who use clueless, gullible females as 1) a front, or 2)a pawn in their quest for self-discovery (which includes a little stage called Trial-and-Error, where the female pawn's role comes in)

hooha. man, this chick's got issues.

by the way, since we're on the topic of male-related pet peeves, got a fwendster message from Mr. Prince Charming-from-Prep last night:

musta? are you mad at me or something? di mo
nako pansin lately eh.. anyway here's my number
(********) just in case you wanna keep in
touch.. don't worry next time na mag meet tayo i
won't present anything about networking and
stuff... ingat!

hahaha. panalo yung last sentence. i would've been rollin over with laughter right now, if i weren't so friggin disillusioned yesterday. anyway, i didn't bother to reply. cause if i did it would've been somethin like this:

hi! am i mad at you? nah. kaw talaga, giving yourself too much credit na naman. salamat naman at hindi mo na ko o-offeran ng networking business in case magmeet tayo uli. i'll bet iba na naman yan next time. insurance? memorial plan? o privilege card sa Makro?

bigay ko na lang number mo sa nanay ko in case interested syang kontakin ka. sya yung mahilig sa mga ganun e. magkakilala na naman kayo di ba, since tinry mo din syang i-recruit sa networking chorva mo noon. sige, have a nice life, ingat!

hehe. truth to tell, i'm not mad at him. i just don't LIKE him. sorry for being bitter, but the message came in at the wrong time. yesterday has rekindled me back on Angst-Against-Males mode again. and that message was just the perfect cherry-on-top.

well. it seems that each day is somehow contributing to the overall angst that's been building up. it's not healthy, but that's life. a bitch, sometimes. and yesterday's little scenario was almost as "anecdotal" as that Horror Date with the networking guy two years ago.

imagine having your happy-thought-at-4 am being snuffed out in 30 minutes. surprisingly, there was not much pain involved. no sinking shattering feeling, no little pinpricks to the heart. maybe because i wasn't all that surprised that it happened. or maybe because i'm not really as "into" him as i thought.

and from there it was easy to detach. you're the A-hole, not me. now i'm seeing what you really are and i wouldn't want to have anything to do with the likes of you, would be BETTER OFF not having anything to do with the likes of you. it was annoying, the blatant display of what-not, more than annoying in fact, but it was nothing but a blow to the ego. nothing compared to what i've somehow gone through in the past five weeks.

i'll survive. just as i'll survive the next 10 days without having a nervous breakdown. you devise your own survival kit in every case. so this one failed me. fine. goodbye. pakialam ko sa yo.

hay. umaga na naman. work starts at 8 am. i love mornings. i hope i get to go home early. ten days to go. and the contravida-in-the-haus is gone, which means less conflict and more work at trying to MAINTAIN conflict. that somehow worries me.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

hooooo humrmm

my day off. the second to the last. gad i can't wAIIIIT. 11 days and counting.

i went home today in sunny spirits, even if i had finished up a bit later than my self-imposed 12noon cutoff. maybe it was the strong coffee, the laughter i had had for lunch, the sunshiney afternoon. frog princess and the comfy company we'd kept at the piecing-the-story-together-room all morning. no one else can make me laugh out loud more than he. corny puns and all.

happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

well screw those purgatorial moments. screw the sarcastic/cross/condescending beeyatches on earth. screw everything that's ever given me that sinkin-shrinkin-shrivelin feeling, each time i'd remember. and yes, screw those friggin idiot boards.

it's gonna be over soon. but for now, let's just try to hang on.

the end will prompt another beginning. god-willing. goin back to my mother's womb, where the pulse of this girl's life has always been. no amount of money can compensate for the healthy feeling of being in the right place and the right job. no shitload of sleep can recharge a tired psyche. mapagod ka para sa isang bagay na natutuwa kang gawin, itulog mo lang yan tapos wala na. pero mahirap yatang maka-recover sa pagod na hindi pisikal. hanggang ngayon dala-dala ko pa.

screw it all and dwell on what you're there for, dwell on those happy thoughts every now and then, think of the beach, your bed, those lazy cebu afternoons. better yet, think of that glowing prize at the end of a work-day. your freedom. the sooner you're done with the work, the sooner you'll be able to get outta there, the sooner you'll be home. it all depends on you. like how most things do.

gad, the thought of that never fails to jolt me to action.

dibidis on my couch-list:
1. millions
2. a history of violence
3. constant gardener
4. dogville
5. the stepford wives

these days, i... too few movies.
...hardly watch tv except when the show's\ airing. (pity)
...sleep too little.
...angst too much.
...smoke too much. too much.
...spend too much.
...give too much premium to people who would've been "just another one of those" at an ordinary time. well. special times call for special surviving mechanisms.
...should smile more often. starting to breed zits on my forehead. which only happens on toxic days. a walking toxic dump.
...hardly write at all.
...don't sing videokes no' mo'. (sad)
...forget those daily prayers sometimes. i need them. procrastinating again. (what's new)

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

when you're happy and you know it wash your hair

ho hum.

got work tomorrow at 8 am.
i pray, please, let me not oversleep.
i love working in the mornings except for the getting-up-early part of it.
another plus is that nothing much happens in the mornings, which translates to less work in the piecing-the-story-together room.

dearie dear, i do hope it stays that way. baka by saying it nabuyag ko at biglang may explosive na mangyari tomorrow.
i pray not.

two weeks to goooo. and it's hello, outside world.
hay. money money. next payday is a full eleven days away.
i want a digital still camera.

i pray that that seed project that my former co-worker's been talking about pushes through. if it does, it would be coming at the perfect god-blest time.
i miss the movies.
watching them. making them.

i wonder what happened to my dreams of becoming a world-class filmmaker someday. mukhang lately di ko na muna yon ginagamit para maging drive at ma-survive ang bawat araw. pano ba naman, eh iba ang mundong ginagalawan ngayon. ibang-iba. the tense, chaotic, money-driven, ratings-driven machine that requires you to go on automaton mode.

that's what i've been trying to do. don't think about it, just do it. so maybe that was what one co-worker has seen when he made that comment at 5 am this morning.

in the middle of putting toothpaste on his brush he said something that made me smile. and made me think as well.

him (sounding earnest): can i tell you something? after this i won't bug you anymore.
me: bakit, anong problema?
him: when i saw you enter the gates this evening i thought you were very pretty. and then i saw you working at the control room later, with your headset and your hair in clumps, you looked very different from when you came in earlier. get me?
me: pwedeng pakiulit? you lost me after that thing about my hair being in clumps.
him: sige try ko. (thinks very hard)
me (jokingly): naka-drugs ka no?
him (vigorously shakes his head): what i mean to say is, the effect you had on me kanina was, talaga...(trails off), and then you went to work and you started looking...(trails off). i'm saying this matter-of-factly. and for someone who values looking good...
me: i don't really care if i don't look good (haha. liar)
him: i could be wrong.
me: so you're saying i should resign?
him: i'm just saying that you look prettier when you're happy. yun lang.
me (puffs on my smoke. haha, may yosi na pala ako at this point): ok. thanks, ___.
him: toothbrush na ko.
(he leaves)

put in a straightforward and disarmingly quiet manner, i took it as a compliment. so basically it's a euphemism for "pangit ka pag di ka masaya", given na rin the possibility na baka naka-juts lang yung tao, but still. hehe. fg would never have said anything like that to me.

it made me smile but it also made me think. because for a person who's not a close friend, that was some insight. when i'm at work in the control room i just try to do it and not think if i'm happy or sad or whatnot. so it's curious to hear it from another person that he thinks i'm not happy with the work because it shows in my physical appearance. hahah.

who knows. maybe i am not actually unhappy. maybe i'm actually enjoying it. but it still made me wonder if he is actually more perceptive than i thought.

too late on in the game to think about that. and too late on in the night to even mull about it. work starts at 8am tomorrow. fresh or not fresh, we just gotta do it, baby. and the prize at the end of the day's race is your freedom. from house arrest, even if only for the rest of the day.

that's what i really love about an early shift. i get to sleep. sleep. sleep.

wait. my hair is in clumps when i put on that headset? i should use a lot less of that conditioner then, when i wash my hair.

ha. ha. HA!!!!

Sunday, March 12, 2006

get me a glimpse of the gold and the glitter

one year ago...
...first beach vacation to boracay, first beach fix for the year
...subic, subic, subic. three times in three consecutive weeks
...lihim, aka as nasaan ka man wrap up. and i wasn't even able to go to work on the last day. dang.
...qpids, dito ang puso mo. that tagline was thought up on the spot by then-headwriter beatlebum on the subic set taping of the pilot episode.
...out of a frog emerged a prince. i mean princess. hehe.

looking back, the memory of boracay is just so dang golden now. it was the perfect time to be there--early summer, meaning no heavy tourist crowds. life was an adventure last year. every workplace was on location.

what i love the most about last year was that life wasn't all about work. life was everywhere and the world was bigbigbig. now life is all about...the house. come to think of it, though, it's an adventure in its own way. being a cog in the machinery and all.

wanna go to the beach. wanna wanna get my beach fix. over christmas i'd take summer as my favorite season. everything's just so golden and natural and alive in the summer.

once i get a glimpse of the golden sun setting behind that glittering sea again, maybe i can be able to see things clearly again.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

three weeks, and "its ovah!"

march 9, five hours til sunrise. i came home an hour ago. and what i really want to do right now is talk with a friend. about everything and nothing in particular. over yosi and probably a cup of coffee.

march 9, 3 weeks til closing time. eight months ago i would've been inclined to say that i couldn't wait, would've been tempted to wish that days would fall off faster. but i can't say that now. to say that the work is stressful would be sort of a euphemism, especially if you're me, but that's not to say it's something i can't stand.

i don't even have the luxury to stop and wonder how i feel about what i'm doing. all i know is that i have to do it. period. three weeks to go, to savor the plodding ascent of my learning curve, to taste the new joys of silent eureekas and yeheys, to utter a prayer of thanks after a good day. and since i'm on automaton mode these days, the worst thing that could happen is that on the Last Day I'd realize that, hmm, i actually like this job. lol. fervently hope not.

in the case of the first show The End was a dreadful thought. i guess i won't be experiencing that kind of sentimentality here. that was eight months, and everyone felt like family. this is one great monster machine that's running 24/7 and we're just a bunch of cogs and wheels; there's no room for human error, let alone hugs or pats on the back. that era was long ago. that was a fishpond. we're in the ocean now.

march 9, 1 more day before the next paycheck. not that i desperately need it, but it's one of the major things that drive this automaton, isn't it. apart from the so-called experience, let's face the reality that THAT was what drove me to hop in on that fateful january day. i would've chosen the same. i would've gone through everything all over again. transients shouldn't regret anything, cause nothing's permanent, and it's just a series of cyclical journeys, paiba-iba lang ang pangalan, lunan, at tao.

beginnings are the best part of the journey for me. the endings are the saddest. and the middle is, well, just friggin shittiest. haha. so-so. but it's what you will remember the most in the future, should you happen to look back.

sidenote: just like that cebu movie project of two years ago. i don't know why, but in my dreariest hours, the memory of those lazy sunny cebu suburban afternoons would surface without warning. back then we'd have our days off one day a week, and since there were internet shops near the hotel we were staying i'd go out on afternoons and walk along those cebu city side streets to the internet shops. the smell of durian, the look and feel of the locale, the markets and the bangketas, the nearby greenwich, the mini-community that our production staff was--everything was just so vivid sometimes, when back then i just lived through those days.

back then on the kilig show it was hard for me to say ta-ta, and one of the reasons was a person. funny that now, he's just another one of those friendlier faces in the factory. someone my age, someone to chat with, someone who will always be dear for as long as the memory of those eight months in kiligtopia will last.

but nonetheless, just another.

it's a sad thing. life's a lot rosier with those thingies goin' on in you; delusions are great dilutions. but in a big way i'm thankful, cause by setting those past thingies aside, we've actually become pals. and now that i'm being publicly accused by other people of that old "sin", i never would've lived through the humiliation of it if i were still guilty.

another day to begin at 12 noon. the sands are fallin. i'm gettin a little sad. i'm so bad at endings but i'd like this one to be swift and forgettable. it's been a tough month in the ocean and i've swallowed enough salt water to realize that i would rather thrive on solid ground. maybe i'm built for somewhere else. maybe not tv.

still, you keep going while you're there. you have to. do it. as quickly as you can.

march 9. three weeks and i'm saying hello to the outside world. it's brief wayward swims like these that stamp out the idealist in me. but i wouldn't have had it any other way. ika nga ng kung sino, things happen for a reason. maybe i won't see it now, but the reason will eventually turn up.

things happen for a reason. haha. alavet. it's the favorite comfort phrase of everyone who's ever had unhappy things happening to them, rationalizes things for them and makes them accept harsh realities a li'l bit better. i'm no different. because i would rather think positive than nurture regrets. things, after all, do happen for a reason.

awryt. gusto mo yan a.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

just do it...actually

my day off. slept at 3 am, woke up at 3 pm today. di na ko sanay sa mahabang tulog. yesterday i had three hours; had to wake up in time for an 8 am shift. slept at 3 am and woke up at 6:30; i had my eyes closed while having breakfast. i was soooo sleepy. and tired.

so tired. so tired.

life has become the show. and it's a daily struggle. not to say that i'm unhappy. but i'm not happy, either. i'm just...working. no time for anything else but what i'm paid to do. no time to stop and reflect; i would rather sleep. or surf the net.

and tomorrow is another day. just do it.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

the allegory of the rose

several months ago, there was the Little Prince.
crushed to discover that The Rose he had deemed so special was actually just another rose in a huge, huge flowerbed covering the earth.

ironically, he was the one who felt like a dot in the universe. a statistic. a friggin figure in the books.

soon, seasons changed, and the Little Prince became The Rose. crushed to discover that she is, to her Little Prince, just another rose in a huge, huge flowerbed covering the earth. that there had been other Roses before, and that there will always be more Roses to come.

and the Rose, who was once the Little Prince, felt the same as before. she was a dot in the universe. a statistic. a friggin figure in the books.

same difference, different sameness.

but as if that would a major concern right now.