Saturday, August 28, 2010


ayokong maging nega...pero medyo nakakawindang ang sunud-sunod na changes sa buhay ko lately. they're happy changes, and i know i have so much to be thankful for. nga. nawiwindang ako. dahil normally i can only absorb one major change at a time. now i'm thrown into this state, all of a sudden i'm a mother, wife, manugang, hipag, tita, babysitter, palamunin, exile all at the same time. i'm living in a new home, dealing with new folks, adjusting to a new living setup. longing for the familiar, longing for home, longing for a cigarette break in the middle of all this madness. the madness is all happening inside my head, taurian me who's ever-resistant to change, and since i can't smoke (yet, as i'm breastfeeding), i'm left to other coping mechanisms. like blogging. and crying out of the blue when no one's looking.

drama. may plausible excuse naman ako. post-partum depression ito. i officially declare it. walang kokontra. haha.

bukod pa sa pag-blog at pag-iyak may isa pa kong dapat i-add sa coping mechanisms ko: counting my blessings. pag nami-miss ko ang katahimikan ng bahay namin sa marikina, iisipin ko na lang na swerte ako bilang maraming pwedeng gumabay sa akin dito sa tamang pag-aalaga sa baby ko. pag naiilang/nahihiya ako sa mga bagong kasama, iisipin ko na lang na at least they welcomed me to this house, when it could've been the other way around for anyone in the same situation. pag nami-miss ko ang pamilya ko at ang mga pusa ko sa marikina, iisipin ko na lang na at least i now wake up every morning with my baby and my bosobear right beside me. pag nadedepress ako dahil parang gusto ko nang umuwi at bumalik na sa dati kong nakasanayan, iisipin ko na lang na lahat ng pagbabago ay may discomfort sa simula, pero makaka-adjust din kahit na alam ko namang i am free to change this current setup if i want to, iisipin ko na lang na i'm doing this for my baby and my husband, na gusto ko magkakasama kami, and if this is the best way for us to be together, i would rather make the sacrifice and endure the pains that go with change.

so yon. naglalabas lang ng neuroses. i wonder kung merong makakarelate sa sitwasyon ko ngayon. i'd really really love to talk with them right now.

Friday, August 27, 2010

things i want to do now that i'm (almost) back to normal

1) get a hair rebond.
2) go on a weight loss plan.
3) have a beer. or two. or three!
4) have my first (electronic) cigarette.
5) wear my jeans and mini-tees again.

more items on the list to follow. yahoo!

straight from this mother's womb

august 23, 2010, monday. just another day in the life of someone who's about to give birth for the first time.

530 am. naghahapit ng script dahil deadline na ang monday night. i'm still on script #2, 1 full script to go. hindi na dapat matulog pero hindi ko kakayaning hindi humimlay kahit for a few hours lang.

930 am. nagising. diretso nagbukas ng laptop to make up for sleeping time. before working i uttered a prayer: lord, help me get past this. i had lost hope and fire that i would ever get this draft 3 done right. the deadline was a wall and i would either climb over it or go around it. sabi ko sa diyos kayo na lang po bahala.

around 10 am. naihi. right where i was sitting. nagulat ako, because it's never happened to me before. apart from the discomfort, nakakahiya siya, kahit walang ibang nakakita. haha. little did i know na hindi na pala ihi yun.

soon enough, my balakang started aching. and there was something pink in my urine, which was what really alarmed me. i asked my mother kung ito na ba yon. syempre bago ako sumugod ng ospital kailangan kong masigurado na hindi ito false alarm, dahil sayang ang oras na pwede ko pang gamitin pagsusulat kung sakali. sabi ng nanay ko, pakiramdaman mo.

the aching would subside but would keep coming back. each time, with greater force. i called the doctor to ask if this was it. i got a yes. so i hastily dressed up and was on my way to the hospital.

bosobear and i had agreed that i was going to have an economical delivery at the chinese general hospital, kaya kahit malayo sya sa marikina i insisted on being taken there. it was a 1-hour trip, the longest trip i've ever had in my life. every five minutes the balakang contractions would come and they were excruciatingly painful. parang iniipit ang mga buto ng balakang ko, wala akong magawa kundi umiyak at umire. so cry and ire i did, pero hindi pa rin natatanggal ang sakit, i really couldn't do anything except scream and wail and
stress out my mother and the taxi driver who were the ones with me at that time.

sabi ko, "anak wag mo naman akong pahirapan," pero busy rin si baby sa loob at that time, preparing herself for being born, at siguro wala rin naman siyang magagawa. it was a necessary kind of pain. now i know they're not exaggerating when they call it "birth pains".

12nn. i was wheeled in at the hospital, screaming and crying. ang sungit nung nurse na nagtreat sa akin sa emergency room. sabi sa akin, "MOMMY! HINDI KAILANGANG SUMIGAW! HINDI YAN MAKAKATULONG!" haha. she felt me down there and uttered a curse under her breath. na-tense ako. sabi nya sa nanay ko, "MANGANGANAK NA PO SIYA. PERO PREMATURE KAYA GUSTO KONG MALAMAN NYO NA BAKA MA-INCUBATOR ANG BABY. P20,000 A DAY PO YON, OK LANG BA SA INYO?" ang sagot ng nanay ko (na natakot bigla sa gastusin) "AH, EH, HINTAYIN MUNA NATIN YUNG TATAY---"

to which she replied, "NAKU MA'AM THE LONGER WE WAIT MAS MAGIGING MATAGAL ANG PAGHIHIRAP NG ANAK NYO". on the way pa lang si bosobear non and i definitely did not want to suffer any longer so i butted in with a resounding "OK LANG SIGE NA OK LANG!"

i was put on a stretcher and wheeled in towards the deliver room, which was 3 floors up. sabi ng masungit na nurse, "pigilan mo ang baby mo, wag kang iire! pag nanganak ka sa elevator walang sasalo sa baby mo!" they made me cross my legs para pigilan ang involuntary na pag-ire ko. it was like having LBM and you're trying so hard to hold it in when it's just about to burst out of you.

1235pm. i was wheeled in at the delivery room. kasingsungit din ng nurse ang mga tao doon. pinagalitan pa ko nung isa, "MOMMY NEXT TIME WAG MO NANG HINTAYIN NA FULLY DILATED KA NA BAGO KA SUMUGOD SA OSPITAL HA." sabi ko, please, bigyan nyo ko ng something for the pain. someone stuck a needle in my hand and somehow everything felt lighter. amidst all this the nurses around me started asking me questions like "kelan ang huling menstruation mo?" and "ilang taon ka na?" and the like. it all seemed trivial and funny to me at that time, them expecting me to answer considering that i was in terrible pain, and it seemed that the doctor who would make the delivery was taking forever to arrive.

finally she did, and everything from then on was surreal. i was sensing everything through a haze of pain. finally it was really time para umire, and ire i did, until the baby was out. finally i looked down and i saw this wet little living person being held out to me, and for a moment i became lucid---oh my god, this is it, this is her. all the pain was worth that moment, seeing my baby for the first time.

she was born at 12:44 pm, approximately 6 lbs. not a very big baby but not very small either. everything was a miracle. kahit kulang sa buwan, she needed no incubation, and it was a swift, normal delivery. i was in the hospital for three days, recovering from having been stitched up. now i'm taking a crash course on Baby Care 101. learning by the day, but that adventure merits a separate entry. :-)

life as i know it is over. a new kind of life awaits, this time with a few happy additionals, at kahit na may malaking takot sa loob ko about having to face these changes, gusto kong maging optimistic. and believe that the dust will settle down fast and i'll eventually get used to things. our little girl will grow up well, i'll be able to balance work and home life, everybody will be happy, and yes, everything will be alright. with god's help.

just an afterthought. feeling ko hindi pa talaga meant na lumabas ang baby ko that day. pero nagbago isip ni god. parang sinagot niya ang panalangin ko. he made me go around the wall instead of climb over it.

thank you lord. for everything. with you as my guide, i know there's nothing to fear, nothing to worry about. :-)

Monday, August 23, 2010

no more

gusto ko na lang tapusin to. at mag-leave. wala na ko pakialam. i've been robbed of my cigarettes to cope with this situation.

may writer ba na nagbigti/naglaslas para may excuse na hindi ma-meet ang deadline?

grabe na ito. i really don't care what would happen anymore. i feel no sense of kinship for the stuff i'm doing right now. tinitira ko na lang. bahala na.

diyos ko, bigyan nyo po ako ng konting pag-asa. konting oras pa. konting lakas pa.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

diyos ko...

...gusto ko na lang pong tapusin ito.

wala nang passion, wala nang amor, sa ngayon...pahinga lang ang katapat siguro at ilang araw na day off.

isa na ang na-email ko, sobrang delayed pa...three scripts to go...yes, i suck big time. pero dumating na ako sa puntang wa na ko keber. if i'm wasting a perfectly good opportunity.

ang alam ko, i want to rest. because my legs feel heavy, the baby feels heavy, and i'm always sleepy. ang alam ko, i want to spend a worry-free day with my bosobear, hugging him til we fall asleep while we're watching those dvds at home.

i long for a worry-free, work-free day with you. my husband. my love. the one who would make me coffee in the wee hours of the night. the one who would give me everything i need, when all i really need is him. i love you so much, i just want to hug you forever.

keso alert. that's what stress does to you. i can't smoke, so i take it out on the ones i love.

lord, tulungan nyo po ako...

Friday, August 20, 2010

fantasies, whines, and the reality of a deadline

i dream of a wedding. isang heavenly setup. white lilies, pink roses, purple lilacs, chiffon. me in a magazine-cover wedding gown, veil and train flowing, walking on a flower-fragrant red-carpet aisle, with a groom waiting for me at the altar (he's moved to tears with joy). i'm teary-eyed with joy, as well. and yes, pretty. slender and beautiful, almost virginal, with no trace of the bloated mom-to-be that is me today.

in reality, i got married in a CAMANAVA regional trial court. we bumped off a petty-theft trial para lang maikasal kami ng judge. yung mga witnesses sa trial, naki-witness na rin sa kasal. at yung mga nakaposas na nasasakdal, naki-abay na rin. nakakakatawa lang yung whole setup, straight out of a romantic comedy movie. actually, yung judge, reminds me of herbert bistek bautista during his pre-politics days, and the entire time i couldn't keep myself from sniggering. it was just too funny to be true---me and bosobear saying those vows, wearing those rings, the works. in my mind, weddings are for romantic drama movies, and we were miscast. to begin with, i was not the magazine-cover bride that i'd fantasized i would be. i was pregnantn and looking bloated in blue; he wasn't looking so bad then but he's no keanu reeves. so we're miscast, but even non-matinee idols/leading ladies have to get married sometime, so i suppressed my giggle as i slipped the ring in his finger.

before the whole ritual the judge lectured us about the forever-ness of things (he was using big words like LIFETIME, ETERNITY, etc) and i found myself getting a bit intimidated. bigla akong napatanong ng mga tanong na dapat sana ay sigurado na ako sa sagot at that time, pero sinabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, ang importanteng tanong lang naman (na dapat ang ko ay isang resounding "I DO") is "Mahal mo ba Siya?", kaya somehow nawala na nang konti ang takot ko. dahil oo, mahal ko siya, kaya nga ako nandoon.

alas-10 ng umaga ang kasal, the night before ni-rush ko ang isang deadline. after ng kasal, may deadline na naman. tuesday, wednesday, naiyak na talaga ko. dahil feeling ko, wala ako sa hulog these days para kumarir ng isang major rewrite. i'm 8 months pregnant, i just got married, and i've been robbed of cigarettes to keep me sane during lagare-writing times like these.

those days i wish i had a choice, and some people might think i could've had. but truth is i didn't.

tuesday, i signed a contract. happy about it. feeling blest, feeling grateful. but there's a downside to it. you cannot say no. you won't have a choice. thursday was a feedback meeting and my worst fears came true. they wanted a second bloody rewrite. halos burado ang 80% ng 2nd draft na ginawa ko. naiiyak na ko sa harap nila pero pinigil ko. i could save the tears for later when i'm alone.

ngayon, deadline na naman sa monday. madugong rewrite, 4 scripts, at lost ako. napaka-general ng directives, generic ang backbone na binigay. and i have four fucking days including today. gusto ko pa uling umiyak. dahil gusto ko nang mag-maternity leave. in my worst moments gusto ko nang manganak NOW na para may valid excuse akong hindi gawin.

in my worst moments, wala na kong pakialam. it's going to be my midterm exam, that's one way to look at it. pero minsn iniisip ko, i don't care anymore kung madisappoint ko sila. i don't care if i don't pass. i was happy where i was, happy being part of the team. not in i-have-to-win mode right now. not raring to step up, i have too many personal thingies to attend to.

nagpapasalamat naman ako dahil sa compassion ng mga katrabaho ko. sa totoo lang di naman nila problema kung buntis ako ngayon, kailangan nila ng writer na mapupukpok. kaya nagpapasalamat na rin ako dahil nago-offer sila ng tutok-tulong. na kailangan ko talaga ngayon dahil lost na ako. each time magfi-feedback, gustong magpa-rewrite. hindi ko na alam kung ano'ng problema, baka nga siguro ako ang problema. at sa totoo lang willing naman akong magstep down sa project at ibigay ito sa iba kung gugustuhin lang nila. kung papayagan lang nila ako. sa totoo lang, 65% of me, mas gugustuhin pa yon. para lang makaiwas sa stress.

mahigit isang buwan na kong di nagpapacheckup dahil walang oras. pero today, kahit di ko afford, magpapacheckup na ko. sumasakit na ang balakang more than usual, sipa nang sipa si baby Audrey. pag 8 months na daw dapat weekly. pero good luck dyan.

gusto ko na talagang matapos to. PLEASE LORD, I NEED A MIRACLE RIGHT NOW. please answer my prayer.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

5 minutes to rant

yesterday i got married. supposedly i was to go back to work in the afternoon, but i didn't. so now this.

wednesdauy deadline, three scripts. tuesday na ngayon. nasa 1st script pa lang ako, at minumura ko na ang sarili ko. revision supposedly pero structural ang pagbabago kaya parang rewrite na rin. tanginaaaaaa. wala lang. tumatawad ako sa ep pero di na daw talaga kaya. hanggang thu na lang ng umaga ang lahat.

pagkatapos, may nagtext. may meeting daw with bossings tomorrow. hindi pwedeng wala ka don. okay. sumakit bigla ang ulo ko. dahil sa wednesday deadline at thursday deadline at sa oras na mawawala pagpunta ko sa office bukas para sa meeting. pero sige go lang. magdadasal na lang. lord tulungan nyo ko please. lord please. please, please, please.

im hardly in the right condition to work like a mule these days. maigsi ang battery life ko dahil sa baby. gusto ko tulog nang tulog, madaling pabagod. and may mga moments talaga na sa sobrang pressure gusto ko na lang itulog ang lahat.

eto yung nabasa ko sa horoscope ni susan miller for august. times like these kelangang baguhin ang sistema sa pagtatrabaho. kaya kukuha ako ng pwedeng tumulong. hindi structural ang gagawin kong revision for this 1st script. bahala na. lord, bahala na kayo. naiiyak na ko. seriously.


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

i was pissed and pouting

but the truth is i really really miss you. of course that's something that you wouldn't hear from me right now.

naiyak ako dito...

i did not plan to get pregnant, but when i found out, not once did i seriously consider abortion an option. pero naiyak pa rin ako dito, lalo na sa letter na kalakip ng picture. if it indeed is true, that the babies in our wombs do feel what we feel, i feel guilty for a lot of things. for not always being happy for her. for sometimes wishing that i had had this pregnancy in 2011. for resenting the fact that i had to sacrifice so many habits and so many things because of the baby. for ingesting stuff that i know might not be good for her (coffee. softdrinks. the occasional red wine. pero yosi hindi ko talaga kaya...kahit patay na patay na kong makapagyosi).

nang matapos ko tong basahin, naloka ako. for the first time, i was so overwhelmed by my love for this child, naiyak lang talaga ko.

taena. help me god, i'm so stressed. di ko alam kung kaya kong maabot ang deadline na waring isang pangarap lang. baby, help mo si mommy.

Sunday, August 08, 2010


i want a beautiful, happy family. and a love that lasts forever. above everything else, those comprise my One Great Dream.

got work to do. step up, girl. work harder. got to pull this through with flying colors if you know what's good for you.

Friday, August 06, 2010

try again by keane

I fell asleep on a late night train
I missed my stop and I went round again
Why would I want to see you now?
To fix it up, make it up somehow

Baby I'll try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

What I was isn't what I am
I'd change back but I don't know if I can

Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

But I was made the way I am
I'm not a stone; I'm just a man
Lay down your arms and I will lay down mine
Rip back the time that we've been wasting

God I wish you could see me now
You'd pick me up and you'd sort me out

Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

dumping whines on a lovely rainy day

i SO can't wait to have this baby. it sounds selfish, but i want my body back. i long for the days when i could still fit my baby tees and skinny jeans, when i could deal with stress and other anxieties with a puff of menthols, when walking/getting up/stooping down/any slightest physical activity wouldn't trigger aches and pains and shortenend breaths.

when i said this to my OB a month ago she glowered at me and said, 'baka di mo alam kung gaano kahirap mag-alaga ng premature baby'. at kung gaano ka-gastos. so THAT shut me up.

kaya baby ko, stay warm and comfy in there. magpahinog ka lang dyan. i'll see you in around 8 weeks. :-) mommy's kinda scared big time, not only of giving birth to you, but of other humongous changes in life as well. i know, though, that with god's help and blessing, everything will be alright. we'll be able to adjust to everything in no time.

nearing my 8th month now (doc would prolly say 8 months na ko ngayon pero di ako naniniwala. HAHA) and thank god, so far wala pa naman akong manas na nakikita sa mga kamay, paa at binti ko (except for the humongously swollen monay face). can't speak too soon though, pero sana lang wag na kong manasin. that means i'll have to eat less. which is such a bummer, because i'm nearly ALWAYS hungry. and when i'm deprived, i'm grouchy. i binge more.

i also pee every 10 minutes. i'm woken up early in the morning EVERY SINGLE DAY by the need to pee. would've been easier if i could walk normally, but lately i've been feeling an ache on my right pelvic joint everytime i walk. must be the baby weight, must be the mommy weight, but nonetheless it's there and it gets worse when i stay in one position for a long time.

there's work to do this afternoon and i'm not looking forward to it. HAY. tamad.i'd rather whine instead. haha.

still shopping for baby names but we're semi-settling with AUDREY CHRISTI. Audrey, dahil gusto ko lang, Christi, dahil joseph daw si daddy at mary si mommy kaya si baby, jesus christ (pero dahil girl, christi na lang. haha sorry lord jesus for using your hallowed name). i remember our first date, when he first learned about my full name, and that was what he had said. "bagay talaga tayo, kasi joseph ako, mary ka". ". to which i had to fight the urge to roll my eyes and guffaw. so corny, it's funny.

i remember that first date as well, when we were walking along the mall and i saw a couple with a baby walking ahead of us. at that moment i had this silly feeling, almost a premonition, at that time i couldn't say it was anything i'd wish for, i wasn't tumbling all over the place for the guy, but it just...popped in my head. and years later, the premonition came true.

aww. feeling romantic me again. haha. baka pag sinabi ko to sa kanya ngayon, he'd be the one who'd roll his eyes and guffaw. so corny, it's funny.