Friday, August 20, 2010

fantasies, whines, and the reality of a deadline

i dream of a wedding. isang heavenly setup. white lilies, pink roses, purple lilacs, chiffon. me in a magazine-cover wedding gown, veil and train flowing, walking on a flower-fragrant red-carpet aisle, with a groom waiting for me at the altar (he's moved to tears with joy). i'm teary-eyed with joy, as well. and yes, pretty. slender and beautiful, almost virginal, with no trace of the bloated mom-to-be that is me today.

in reality, i got married in a CAMANAVA regional trial court. we bumped off a petty-theft trial para lang maikasal kami ng judge. yung mga witnesses sa trial, naki-witness na rin sa kasal. at yung mga nakaposas na nasasakdal, naki-abay na rin. nakakakatawa lang yung whole setup, straight out of a romantic comedy movie. actually, yung judge, reminds me of herbert bistek bautista during his pre-politics days, and the entire time i couldn't keep myself from sniggering. it was just too funny to be true---me and bosobear saying those vows, wearing those rings, the works. in my mind, weddings are for romantic drama movies, and we were miscast. to begin with, i was not the magazine-cover bride that i'd fantasized i would be. i was pregnantn and looking bloated in blue; he wasn't looking so bad then but he's no keanu reeves. so we're miscast, but even non-matinee idols/leading ladies have to get married sometime, so i suppressed my giggle as i slipped the ring in his finger.

before the whole ritual the judge lectured us about the forever-ness of things (he was using big words like LIFETIME, ETERNITY, etc) and i found myself getting a bit intimidated. bigla akong napatanong ng mga tanong na dapat sana ay sigurado na ako sa sagot at that time, pero sinabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, ang importanteng tanong lang naman (na dapat ang ko ay isang resounding "I DO") is "Mahal mo ba Siya?", kaya somehow nawala na nang konti ang takot ko. dahil oo, mahal ko siya, kaya nga ako nandoon.

alas-10 ng umaga ang kasal, the night before ni-rush ko ang isang deadline. after ng kasal, may deadline na naman. tuesday, wednesday, naiyak na talaga ko. dahil feeling ko, wala ako sa hulog these days para kumarir ng isang major rewrite. i'm 8 months pregnant, i just got married, and i've been robbed of cigarettes to keep me sane during lagare-writing times like these.

those days i wish i had a choice, and some people might think i could've had. but truth is i didn't.

tuesday, i signed a contract. happy about it. feeling blest, feeling grateful. but there's a downside to it. you cannot say no. you won't have a choice. thursday was a feedback meeting and my worst fears came true. they wanted a second bloody rewrite. halos burado ang 80% ng 2nd draft na ginawa ko. naiiyak na ko sa harap nila pero pinigil ko. i could save the tears for later when i'm alone.

ngayon, deadline na naman sa monday. madugong rewrite, 4 scripts, at lost ako. napaka-general ng directives, generic ang backbone na binigay. and i have four fucking days including today. gusto ko pa uling umiyak. dahil gusto ko nang mag-maternity leave. in my worst moments gusto ko nang manganak NOW na para may valid excuse akong hindi gawin.

in my worst moments, wala na kong pakialam. it's going to be my midterm exam, that's one way to look at it. pero minsn iniisip ko, i don't care anymore kung madisappoint ko sila. i don't care if i don't pass. i was happy where i was, happy being part of the team. not in i-have-to-win mode right now. not raring to step up, i have too many personal thingies to attend to.

nagpapasalamat naman ako dahil sa compassion ng mga katrabaho ko. sa totoo lang di naman nila problema kung buntis ako ngayon, kailangan nila ng writer na mapupukpok. kaya nagpapasalamat na rin ako dahil nago-offer sila ng tutok-tulong. na kailangan ko talaga ngayon dahil lost na ako. each time magfi-feedback, gustong magpa-rewrite. hindi ko na alam kung ano'ng problema, baka nga siguro ako ang problema. at sa totoo lang willing naman akong magstep down sa project at ibigay ito sa iba kung gugustuhin lang nila. kung papayagan lang nila ako. sa totoo lang, 65% of me, mas gugustuhin pa yon. para lang makaiwas sa stress.

mahigit isang buwan na kong di nagpapacheckup dahil walang oras. pero today, kahit di ko afford, magpapacheckup na ko. sumasakit na ang balakang more than usual, sipa nang sipa si baby Audrey. pag 8 months na daw dapat weekly. pero good luck dyan.

gusto ko na talagang matapos to. PLEASE LORD, I NEED A MIRACLE RIGHT NOW. please answer my prayer.

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