Thursday, July 27, 2017

Freedom Day

Just want to document this day.  I'm done with my latest kalbaryo.

THANK YOU LORD! I'M FREE!

Salamat sa mga kaibigan, mga taong nakakaintindi sa pinagdadaanan ng isang abang trabahador na katulad ko. Marami po talagang salamat.

I want to celebrate this day. And the rest of my life. Between money and a stressful existence, I'd go for something in between. But ultimately, gusto ko ng mapera at stress-free na buhay.

Pero kung magpapaka-stress ako sa isang bagay, it has to be something I am passionate about. Hindi yung kailangan mong gawin, kahit mabigat ang loob mo. Stress over something you love doing, I would welcome with open arms. Dahil sulit lahat ng pagod mo. Handa kang harapin kahit ano, dahil mahal mo yung ginagawa mo.

Marami akong takeaways from this recent experience. Crafts-wise--  sobrang importante talaga ng character. The stories we make in the very long format, character is the most important. yun ang paghuhugutan ng lahat-- conflict, plot. It's a bible of sorts.

Character, and the characters' relationships to each other.

Conflict. hindi pwedeng happy lang ang mga buhay nila. hindi pwedeng walang bubog. Characters with bubog are the most interesting dramatic characters. Mahaba ang pwedeng takbuhin nyan.

When crafting plot, the more emotional the motivation of the character, the better. Usually, it's related to their bubog, or the people they love or hate, or their main objective at the moment.  That's why you have to know the character at his/her core. Doon mo lang mahuhugot ang mga susunod na gagawin nya.

Cause and effect. Everything that happens should be the effect of a character's decision. Events that happen out of nowhere makes a plotty story---and plotty ain't substantial.

so why are we telling this story? because there's this character or characters who will go through something that will change their lives forever. And we are there to witness their journey--- EMOTIONAL journey. We've been taught in college that characters don't have to have a change of heart all the time, yes. But in the place I am in now, because it's the long form, and this is mainstream tv, the protagonist ALWAYS has to have an emotional journey, from point a to point elsewhere. that's the reason why we are telling this story--- because of that emotional journey, which, hopefully, audiences will be able to relate to, or at least sympathize with, because it's a piece of this vast tapestry called human experience.

Twists. i used to love this during my very early days as a fiction writer. I always want my story with twists. I wanted to never, ever be predictable. in the long form, yes, twists make a story compelling. So I am going back to that mode. Ayaw na nila ng nahuhulaan nila. Alam na kasi nilang lahat yan. Bigyan mo sila ng shocker. O ng something that they didn't expect. It's not easy, pero if the opportunity presents itself, go. take it. GET. OUT. OF THAT FRICKIN' SAFE BOX.

Okay, so hindi naman lahat ito sa most recent experience ko lang natutunan. Some of these I'd known for years, in my journey as scribe for the boob tube. Pero marami dito, nareinforce ang value sa akin during my last project. Which makes the whole experience worth everything, somehow. May takeaway ako, kahit papano.

Last, but not least---

Kindness. It goes a long, long long way.

So.. thank you Lord. so much. dahil dito, napadasal po ako ulit sa inyo.
Maraming salamat po sa freedom. Now there's a new project coming. I'm raring to give it my best, and use the new things I've learned to make our material better.
I'm happy to be back with my true team.
 





Sunday, July 09, 2017

hugh. hugh. more hugh.

define geek: someone with an unnatural passion for something, someone, or whatever, so much so that that's all they ever talk about, and bores people to tears

so i'm a geek, about many things. i'm a hugh jackman geek, so shoot me.  hindi ko alam kung bakit.  siguro may pinagdadaanan. but seeing him, talking about him, brings me relief from life.  there's escapist joy in there, nearly every single time. just the sight of him, smiling and youthful, those kind happy eyes lighting up---  makes me happy.

pathetic, my husband says. (btw, if my hughgeekiness is a crime, husband is my most frequent victim. he has to listen to me go hugh this, and hugh that, because i'm his wife. heheh. and how's our marriage? we're fine--- as long as i quit comparing ours to hugh's unbelievably fairy tale like marriage to his wife.

malapit ko nang gawing santo si hugh. seriously!

bakit ang perfect mo? tao ka pa ba? lahat na ng talent nasa yo. ang guwapo mo. ang hot mo.

(okay, recently medyo nagkacatch up na ang years sa yo... which makes me really sad. as in LITERALLY sad, because i realize i'm infatuated with the physical you of, like, 5 years ago. may resistance ako sa reality, hugh. because that's your purpose in my life-- escape. aspiration. goals. fantasy. dreams)

and as if that isn't enough good stuff to put in one person... ang BAIT mo pa daw. nice guy, is what everyone calls you. and in this age where you'd find dirt on people on the net (if you know where to look), it's harder to hide things--- good and bad- about people. so i'm really inclined to believe na totoo ang chismis na mabait kang tao.

mabait na nga. wise pa. i read interviews of him and swear to G, MAY NAPULULOT ako. insights, man. how to deal with your ego ("once you start thinking- oh i'm good, i did this-- then that's where the problem begins.. because whatever you have didn't come from you.. you can't take full credit for something that was just given to you"-- okay, not the exact words, but something like that), how to become a good person (service to others, anger being an act of selfishness, treating everyone equally, especially those who are marginalized, being plain kind)-- basta, ewan ko kung biased lang ako. PERO JUSKOLORD may laman ang utak ni kuya.  intelligence is impressive, but the wisdom, the spirituality that is reflected in the things i see and hear of him... that's admirable.

mabait na. wise pa. matalino pa. talented pa. guwapo pa. hot pa. okay, ano pa??  huhuhu. hugh.  why you like that.

sya lang yata yung artista na mas naeenjoy ko pa yung real-life persona kesa sa onscreen personas nya. the hugh i see, in interviews and appearances, seems so... happy. happy, and sincere, and with this.. zest for everything. he seems like the opposite of me.  he's always smiling. always in a good mood. he's almost always accommodating to fans (nakakapagod yun bes, kahit di ko buhay yung ganun, naiimagine ko pa lang, pagod na ko).

he's just so wholesome as pie and flan and roast beef he's the kind of guy you wouldn't bring home to mom.. cause mom might fall in love with him.

at kung sa ibang kaso, IRL and elsewhere, wholesome squeaky clean types kinda bore me... not HUGH. huhu. i don't know why. kinulam mo ba ako? bakit love na love kita?? kelangan ko na bang magpapsychiatrist, bes? mas gusto ko pang panoorin ka kesa harapin ang deadlines (malamang).

now i realize why hugh is not boring even if he's just so... nice. cause he has sex appeal! he doesn't look harmless, which kinda balances out everything? i don't know. or maybe because i've gotten old, and i don't find intense tortured broken souls attractive anymore.

i want someone who will bring me home and make me his. who will share his life with me, sweep me off my feet, start a family with me. fall truly..madly.. deeply in love with me. and stay loyal to me for the rest of his life.

wait. i already found that someone. TSKTSK. ang tao talaga. kung anong meron sila, binabalewala. kung anong wala, hinahanap.

Lord, love ko po ang mga tao sa buhay ko. Love ko po talaga sila. Especially my husband and my daughter.  They are the two most important people in the world to me. Pero just let me have this alterlife in my head, Lord? just a little excitement and sugar-to-the-blood to spice up this existence. I appreciate everything and I'm grateful.  but I'm grateful for this thing you have given me, this spirit that reminds me na buhay pa naman ako, na kaya ko pang magdream, kaya ko pang ma-excite sa isang bagay o tao.

so yeah.. maybe it's that. i'm just addicted to addiction. gusto kong ma-high. paiba iba lang ang pangalan. o bagay. o hobby. but whatever gives me a high... i seize it. basta't walang masasaktan na iba. o maaabalang iba. o hindi ko masasaktan ang sarili ko.

so.. HUGH. sigh. he can play at least 2 instruments. he can sing. he can act. he can dance- OH SO WELL. i've never seen a man dance like that and can still be masculine.  and be 6 foot 3.

so MAY DEADLINE ako, as in asap, i've been tired from so many drafts paulit ulit at pabalik balik and with too little payoffs (morale-wise, money-wise). so si hugh lang ang bakasyon ko. hugh, and cigarettes. and coke zero.  i love my family. i love my daughter so much. but those little things in the survival kit, i need them for me. they are for my consumption, so that i can deal with life a bit easier. you can't consume the people you love.  love ain't that way.

so HUGH. maybe i don't love hugh. i love the image of hugh. i love what i see of hugh. in that sense, i consume him. pero syempre ibang usapan na pag yung totoong tao na.  kaya ang nasa survival kit ko lang, yung kaya kong ubusin hanggat kailangan ko sila.

SO HUGH. I LOVE YOU. or whatever it is i think is you.

para kong lasing. hahaha.

gusto kong gumawa ng isang blog entry. puro ganito lang--- "I WANT.." "I WISH..". sige, may idadagdag ako. "I'M GRATEFUL FOR..." and "I'M BLESSSED BECAUSE.." because there's the nagging little voice inside me that's scolding me for longing for stuff that i don't have, when there are so many blessings that I do have. oh my, may little voice na akong naririnig ngayon?? that's it.  to the nuthouse, beeyatchy. :-D

BACK TO WORK! that's what hugh would do!

P.S. -- did i mention that HUGH has been said to have amazing SELF-DISCIPLINE? oh my. yun na yata yung point na WORSHIP levels na ako sa kanya (joke lang po Lord. :-D) ngayon nalito na ako kung gusto ko ba si Hugh, o gusto ko bang MAGING si Hugh. Pwede bang both?

BALIW in bold letters.

HUGH would go back to work and finish the damn thing without taking a break so that he'd be finally free. Huhu. St. Hugh, pray for me.








Tuesday, June 27, 2017

rare days

i know i should make the most of these rare days when i would be practically task-free. recharge. rebuild myself. rejuvenate. make up for busy days by spending more time with family.

but there's a cookie order, and it's due in 3 days. so.. i tried to juggle that with all the other things-to-do-when-the-things-to-do-are-done.

akala mo nakalimutan ko na si Papa Hugh. haha. he's part of the survival kit, that beautiful epitome of whatever it is that makes women like me believe in forever. just like that beautiful beach at the far end of the Pinas that I'd been dreaming about for quite some time now.

getaway. escape. happy thought.

something beautiful-- tao man, hayop, bagay-- should be well-tended, should be preserved. kaya nakakahinayang is Keanu. he has one of the most beautiful faces I've ever seen. pero hindi nya inalagaan. it wouldn't be vanity, to keep a beautiful face beautiful. maintaining that beauty would be a lot like preserving an art piece. it's not about the owner of that face anymore, dahil ang kahit anong maganda, subject to appreciation ng ibang tao. beauty uplifts, inspires, can even make people happy. so it's not about you anymore, Keanu dude. you did a disservice to all of us who appreciate that beautiful face of yours by letting it go.

kaya itong si Hugh kung pwede lang sanang i-preserve in an airtight bottle ang kagandahan. para hindi mag-age, magdeteriorate o maluma. can i stop time so that you'd be beautiful forever? yes, ganun ako ka-smitten sa perfection that is you. kung si Keanu, mukha. ikaw, holistic, beh.  from head to toe, inside and out. talent, intelligence, character. hinakot mo na lahat, pati puso ko.

Haha. Hi there, husband. okay lang naman sa yo, di ba? di ba? :-)




Monday, June 26, 2017

the one that got away

mas matagal kong nakarelasyon ang "misis" ko ngayon. december 2008 ko sya niligawan, 2009, kami na. hanggang sa tuluyan na akong nagpakasal sa kanya.

pero nang niligawan ko si "misis", i was reeling from a heartbreak. from a dream na medyo matagal ko ring minahal. i fell in love with it in 1998, nang nagshift ako ng kurso para ipursue sya nang seryoso. we've had our ups and downs, hanggang sa nung 2008, narealize kong hindi ako emotionally-equipped to pursue that "relationship". to still pursue it, after what happened in 2008, would have been hazardous probably, not only to me, but possibly to other people. i was afraid of my own passion for that "love". i was afraid it would blind me, like how it literally did, that fateful day in 2007. i was afraid it would drive me to cause pain to others, indirectly man or otherwise. i was afraid that it would bring out the worst in me.

so i let that love go, because at that time i had felt it was the right thing to do. if a relationship can bring out the worst in you, it's no longer going to be a healthy one. hindi ko makakalimutan ang sinabi sa akin ng isa sa mga earliest mentors namin -- the fact that you still wanted to continue with it, it means you haven't learned the lesson. and in a way, oo, tama sya.  walang growth sa pagkatao mo kung hindi mo marirealize ang mali mo.

it had been an accident. on my part, at least. it happened, but i did not want it to happen, i did not even notice it happening. mahirap mang paniwalaan. para akong kabayo na may takip sa mga gilid ng mata, too focused on getting what i wanted, hindi ko na napansin yung mga nangyayaring iba sa paligid ko. even yung nangyayari right before my very eyes.

pero dahil dun, may mga nasaktan. hindi physically, pero mas malalim. at alam ko dadalhin ko yun sa konsensya ko habambuhay. it's been 9 years,  i'm okay now. i don't know if the people na nasaktan are okay ngayon. sana.

takot na ako sa sobrang passion. takot na sa sobrang ambition. because if you care about something too much, it becomes your weakness. and it brings out the worst in you sometimes.

9 long years na since i "broke up" with the ex, pero you can't ignore those 10 years na minahal ko sya. yung old love ko na yon, gave me the most unforgettable highs i'd ever had in my 20s.

yung ginagawa mo ang isang bagay na you care so much about, wala kang nararamdamang gutom o  pagod o puyat.

yung napanood mo for the first time ang final outcome ng bagay na yun na you care so much about, and you feel horrible because you think it's not good enough.

yung araw na napanood ng iba for the first time yung "anak" mo, and they loved it. and you couldn't believe it, because you had thought it sucked.

then that wonderful year, when that "anak" of yours, borne from your love for this thing you want to commit your life to,  makes all that pagod and all that gastos and all those sacrifices worth it. it validated your worth, as a person, as a worker, as a young person dreaming of marrying this love of your life. it gave you so much hope, a lot of confidence, it made you believe that your dreams can come true.

but all that--validation, honors, awards, recognition-- may not have been the right reason why you wanted to commit to this one great love of yours. may allergy na ako sa ego ngayon. if you do things for your own ego... it's a selfish purpose.

kaya iniwan ko si ex bago pa man nya ako talagang pakasalan. and at that point i didn't even know if i was worthy enough para pakasalan nya ako. kaya sabi ko sa sarili ko, hanggat driven ako by the need for validation, para manalo ng award, para sumikat etc-- hindi ko sya babalikan. dahil hindi sya makakabuti sa akin.  o sa kahit sino.

alam ko marami namang nagtatrabaho for their own egos. pero kanya kanya tayo ng journey, and in mine, i got really burned. maybe it was God preventing me from making bigger mistakes in the future. maybe it was God telling me-- hindi ka pa ready para dyan.

but the passion i had for that one great love, hindi ko makakalimutan. i haven't felt passion that intense. that all-consuming. it may have brought out the worst in me. but it also brought out the best in me.

so now I'm "married" to my current career for 8 years.  and the passion has been running low. this has become a job.  a duty to carry out, so that i can the bills, save up for the future. i get fulfillment from it every now and then, but not enough to take me back to the passionate soul that i had been, 10 years ago.

stasis. cul de sacs. i'm grateful for everything. for the semblance of stability. for the money. for the comfort. but there's this feeling--- is this all there is? is this where life will end? i don't feel the drive to strive harder to climb up the corporate ladder. if i imagine myself in a higher position sa linyang ito, i don't get excited. i don't see the joy in it. i only see the responsibilities na kaakibat nun. and a whole lot of self-doubt.  it's not a dead end job. but why do i not see myself being driven enough to achieve more, to climb higher, to soar?

i was raised that way. Achiever ang tawag sa personality type na yon, according The Enyagram.  but i have lost that part of me.  either naburn ako nang sobra from that traumatic breakup 7 or 8 years ago. or i am not where i should be.

so i think about that old love a lot these days. not a lot, but more often than before. i wonder if magiging mas masaya ba, kung mabubuhay ba ang pagkatao ko, kung ligawan ko sya ulit.  i wouldn't know how or where to start. alam ko magiging malaking sugal, switching from one career to another. like practically starting over. but i wonder if the leap would be worth it.

mas madaling magdesisyon kung hindi ako breadwinner. kung wala akong mga bills. kung walang hinuhulugang lupa, walang maliit na anak. walang asawa at pamilya. i'd go for it. but there's a lot i might lose, if things don't work out.  the money. the stability.

whenever i feel like i suck at what i do now, i always wonder-- mas magiging mahusay ba ako as something else? whenever i would feel like i'm too tired to want to strive harder, too tired to keep getting better, i find myself wondering if i'd be more passionate.. doing something else?

kung babalikan ko man yung minahal ko noon.. iba na ang motivation. money na. at self-fulfillment. money would be easier if you love what you do. but then puro what-ifs and i wonders lang ako. dahil ang realidad ng buhay, the grass will always be greener on the other side of the fence. ang realidad, pwede kang mag-fail. pwedeng akala mo kaya mo, pero di mo pala kaya. o kung kakayanin mo nga, pero ang laki naman ng masasakripisyo sa personal life mo. less time for family. less time for your child, your husband.

kung kakayanin ko, will the money i would earn be all worth the sacrifices? siguro. gagawan ng paraan. pero bottom line, ang tanong-- kakayanin ko ba?

at this point, i cannot afford to do some trial and error. duwag ako. maraming responsibilidad. so maybe i will always be wondering. and hoping, praying na kung sakali mang para doon talaga ako, si Lord na ang gumawa ng paraan.

duwag talaga ako, noon pa man. fresh from resigning from my office job in 2004, i was offered to be an assistant director. tinanggihan ko, dahil natakot ako baka di ko kaya. lesson learned- SAY YES, THEN DO YOUR DAMN BEST PARA KAYANIN.

but then that was 2004. i was single. i wasn't the breadwinner. now is not like before.

so Lord, kung anuman ang plano nyo para sa akin, i leave everything to You. kung para ako dito, things will be as they are, and maybe my mindset will change. my passion will return. pero kung para ako sa The One that Got Away ko, alam ko kayo na ang gagawa ng paraan.











Saturday, June 17, 2017

Purpose

I want the sparkle back into this dull-spirited shell that is me.  

Akalain mo, akala ko graduate na ako sa pagiging emo. That's so circa 2005. Pero wala e. Minsan kelangan mo ng outlet. Kelangan mong mag-emo paminsan minsan. Mag-dump paminsan minsan. At busy lahat mga friends ko. Busy rin ang mister ko. 


I stumbled upon this entry, dated December 2007. Nakakarelate ako sa pagod ng 2007 self ko. 



"at 3 am, mari-realize mo na wala na ang puso mo sa trabahong nakatulong na bumuhay sa yo for the past few years. you're where you want to be, but not doing what you really want to do. na ok lang naman for a while, pero nakarating ka sa puntong hindi ka na excited. hindi mo na maramdaman ang sense of adventure, yung sense of exploring something new. at pera na lang talaga ang nagiging be all end all ng lahat. ironically, hindi naman kalakihan ang binabayad nila sa yo. at gustuhin mo mang mag-explore ng ibang opportunities, hindi ito ang tamang panahon. nakatali ka sa isang bagay na magiging pag-asa mo. para matupad ang mga pangarap, hindi rin. you carry no illusions about what you're about to get into, from the moment that you signed on that contract. at mari-realize mo na siguro, gusto mo lang talagang yumaman. gusto mong magka-CRV. gusto mong mabili ang lahat ng gusto mo. gusto mong mag-provide para sa pamilya mo. gusto mong mag-enjoy sa trabaho mo kahit papano and at the same time kumita ng malaki. middle ground. compromise. everything in life is a compromise. may mga bagay sa buhay na hindi makukuha sa passions alone. o sa pagiging "extremist" for the sake of passion
at 4 am, pagod ka na. wala ka nang kilala, wala ka nang kinakausap, hindi ka na makangiti. biglang papasok sa isip mo ang mga bagay na dapat gawin for skwela. mga bagay na gagawin mo for passion's sake. ang saya nga naman talaga, going to school and doing the things you're tasked to do, not thinking about what you're going to get in return. not thinking about grades, or feedback. not thinking of reactionary results. and to think na someone once said na napaka-"I Have to Win" ng personality ko. being in school again somehow changed all that... 



...hindi na katulad ng dati ang buhay mo dahil sa skwela, pero naging simbolo na sya ng napakaraming bagay sa yo. para syang isang taong nagbawal ng maraming bagay sa buhay mo, nag-impose ng maraming rules, naging rason kung bakit kelangan mong mag-cut off ng ties from many people you've known in your recent life, pero mahal mo sya. dahil andami mong giniveup para sa kanya, dahil andami mo nang sinakripisyong opportunities, dahil somehow minulat ka nya sa katotohanan na niloloko mo lang ang sarili mo, na being where you want to be won't bring the same kind of happiness as doing what you really want to do."


ang tagal na nito, and i have all but moved on. pero nakakalungkot lang, because i was so full of hope.  at madami-dami na rin akong na-sacrifice para sa schooling ko noon, which i had seen as the key to my dreams.  yung scholarship na yun ang lunduyan ng mga pangarap ko at that time. 


nakakalungkot, dahil two months after this blog entry in december 2007, i lost the scholarship.


it's funny, how God maneuvers things in our lives. alam Nya kung paano ako nangarap noon. alam Nya kung nasaan ang puso ko. pero hinayaan Nyang mangyari yung nangyari on December 2007. it was His way of redirecting me maybe.. to where i am now.. or it was a test, hanggang ngayon hindi pa ako sure.  i had thought He had meant for me to forget my directing dreams dahil He had meant for me to become a writer, to be where I am now. Pero dahil sa mga nararamdaman ko ngayon.. hindi ko na sigurado. 


dahil ngayon, mauulit ko ang entry ko na nasa taas. iba nga lang ang trabaho. 


"at 3 am, mari-realize mo na wala na ang puso mo sa trabahong nakatulong na bumuhay sa yo for the past few years. you're where you want to be, but not doing what you really want to do. na ok lang naman for a while, pero nakarating ka sa puntong hindi ka na excited. hindi mo na maramdaman ang sense of adventure, yung sense of exploring something new. at pera na lang talaga ang nagiging be all end all ng lahat..."


ang difference lang.. mas malaki ang binabayad sa akin.  and I guess, that makes all the difference in the world. 


kaya, siguro, wala akong karapatang magreklamo. dahil binibigay naman sa akin ang kelangan ko.  


pero in my dreariest moments, napapaisip ako.  am i really where i am meant to be? in a job i am meant to do? kung ganon bakit hindi ako masaya? gusto kong maging masaya. iniisip ko yung buhay ng mga direktor kong kakilala. yung mga dating PA, AD, kasama ko sa production na ngayon, nagdidirek na. masaya kaya sila? kung babalik ako dun, kakayanin ko kaya? magagawa ko kaya nang mahusay, mahusay enough to make it a career? will it suit my life? will it bring back the passion to my soul? dahil feeling ko ngayon, ang patay patay ko na inside. feeling ko ngayon, pumupugak-pugak na makina ako. kung passion ang gasolina.. running low. pa-empty tank na. kelangan nang mag-refill.


pero may deadline pa. today. 31 sequences. nakaka-1 pa lang ako at hindi pa sya maayos.


ang sweldo nito, baka sa july pa. or august. depende sa bilis ng mga bagay bagay.  


siguro wag ko na lang isipin. i-autopilot ko na lang dahil kelangan matapos.  now is not the time to ponder over the state of my life or kung anong balak ng Diyos para sa akin.  there's a deadline to meet.


i'll just leave the question here. Lord, what am i really meant to do? 




P.S. kung pwede nga lang na ang main purpose ko sa buhay, maging nanay at asawa. game ako. pero money. hindi kaya.  but i would love to be a full-time mother to my daughter. feeling ko mas madali yung gawin, hehe. mas maeenjoy ko. kakaririn ko ang pagpapalaki sa anak ko.






Monday, June 12, 2017

Hula

Two days ago, nagpahula ako.
Actually, hindi daw sya manghuhula. Oracle sya.

bakit nga ba ako pumatol sa ganito? under normal circumstances, hindi. pero siguro gusto ko rin ng konting guidance sa gumugulo sa isip ko. may isang bagay akong gustong gawin, pero hindi ko alam kung tama bang gawin.

may tanong ako. at naghahanap ako ng sagot. last time na nagkaroon ako ng urge na magpahula, was 3 years ago. the same concerns, the same thing that I had wanted to do but I wasn't sure if it was going to be a wise thing to do. pero for some reason hindi ko naituloy ang session na yun.

so during my "session" two days ako.. ang unang lumabas sa "work/career" cards ko--- ang card with the word "skills".  sumunod, ang card na "intensity", then ang card na "harmony", pagkatapos ang card na "consciousness".  anong ibig sabihin nun, tanong ko.  sabi ni oracle, i have the skills daw para ituloy kung anuman ang ginagawa ko ngayon. kailangan ko lang magfocus (hence, "intensity"), ibigay ang out of the box na demands ng trabaho ko, and all we be in harmony.  money, at the table. ready for the taking. basta daw magtrabaho ako.  unlike, say, that other option, na kailangan pang trabahuhin.

at least, puro positive ang cards na lumabas. at unang una doon yung "skills". which answers one of my fundamental questions-- am i skilled enough for this job? after 8 years... oo, hindi pa rin ako sigurado. hindi ko alam kung bakit. siguro kasi lately mas madalas kong maramdaman yung mga cul de sac moments kesa sa mga eureeka moments. mas madalas makaramdam ng pagod kesa inspirasyon.  yung feeling na nabigay ko nang lahat sa last few projects na natapos ko, at wala nang natira sa loob.

lagi namang mahirap itong trabahong ito. kahit yung mga unquestionably magagaling, i'm sure nahihirapan din. siguro ang difference... yung passion mo para i-tackle ang mahirap.  what drives you to do what needs to be done makes all the difference.

admittedly, i am driven by money. at sabi din ng oracle, i see what i do as a job. alam ko na yun, matagal tagal na.  while i'm relieved that i am probably not lacking in skills (8 years ba naman, beeyatch, siguro naman may expertise ka na, kahit kaunti), it's not what i should be afraid of. i should be afraid of losing the passion to do what i need to do needs to get done.

kung leftbrain work ito, hidni sya problema. but writing requires more than just skills. it requires emotional involvement. you need to put your heart into it, to be able to write authentically, sincerely, movingly. you can autopilot yourself, hack your way towards completion, but usually it doesn't come out well if you do it that way.

saan makakabili ng passion? saan makakabili ng inspirasyon? kelangan ko sa trabaho ko. mamumuhunan na ako kung mabibili lang yun.

i choose to see the bright side. at least, may "skills" daw. spelled out na, bes. skills doesn't mean excellence, but at least it means you're not some hack pretending to be skilled at what you do.

so ngayon, may deadline. 1 full body, 10+ seqs, kailangan na by morning. it's 2 am. at wala pa ako sa kalahata. skills ba kamo ang meron ka? pwes, gamitin mo, letche. mamaya na i-summon ang passion at inspiration, kapag natapos mo na ang body 1. at least man lang, makapagdeliver ka on time using skills and conscientiousness alone.

o, ANO PANG GINAGAWA MO? MAGTRABAHO KA NA! dahil sabi ng "self" cards mo, WORK should be your main concern this year--- hindi ka pwedeng tumigil sa pagtatrabaho. dahil may mga pangangailangan, may mga gastusin. malamang mga 1-2 script days lang ang suswelduhin mo para sa paulit-ulit na drafts na ito (3rd draft ongoing), pero hangga't hindi nyo naipapasa ang latest draft at hindi sila nagro-roll... hindi pa darating ang kadatungan.

kaya tapusin na yan, beeyatch. para maipasa na. at maitape na. at makasweldo ka na.

maraming salamat sa rf. pero need natin mag-save like we've never saved before. i am dreaming of a cutoff for myself--- by the time i'm 40. i should be financially-free enough to make the leap. but then again, maraming pwedeng mangyari in 3 years. we never know. because the place i'm in, the missus i have, sya yung tipong hindi pwedeng basta basta lang. kung hihiwalayan mo si missus, kailangang pag-isipang mabuti... pagnilay-nilayan... dahil ayaw mo namang pagsisihan ang desisyon mo.

so morning deadline, here i come. i will CONQUER you. and submit on time. before 12 noon. morning pa rin naman ang 11:59 am. :-)

DREAM BEACH VACAY: amanpulo, palawan. my current island of dreams. in another place and time, binibisita ko ang lugar na yun... nakabikini... looking beach-girl perfect... feeling the sand on my feet, the calm waters around my legs, seeing perfection all around me, living another life away from the mundane concerns of my reality.













Sunday, May 28, 2017

tired

you have no idea what a whirlwind this month has been. physically, emotionally, mentally.

there were days when I would literally be doing three things at the same time.

there were days when I would have no time to eat lunch because I'd be hopping from one activity to the next.

wuw, ako na ang busy. pero ang kita sa pinupuhunan ngayon, mukhang hindi pa agad agad darating. currently involved in two projects-- one in conceptual phase, the other in pilot scripting phase. in other words, purgatory and hell, development-wise.

tapos, may sumisingit pang deliverables for the little businesses. not complaining, shouldn't complain, i'm grateful and thankful for the opportunity to work and earn eventually. pero minsan sa sobrang pagod ko.. tao lang na kailangang umaray.

kaya salamat po sa isang araw na day off-- sunday. no deliverables. today i don't need to do anything. no meetings to attend, no deadlines, i really should just sleep the entire day away to recharge.

but days off after long periods of busy work days means family time. so... mall day today! at excited akong kumain ng masarap kasama ang mag-ama ko (paano ba naman ako papayat nito. haist. it's a vicious cycle. eat to cope with the stress from working, eat to reward myself after working)

i remember this day clearly. it was a thursday, i think

12 midnight. i was in the middle of finishing cookies due in two days. kelangan makagawa ng as much as i can dahil i would be in a seminar all day. and these cookies take time to dry.

1230 am. HW from project 1 messages, asking me to submit additional revisions. hindi madali para sa akin yung hinihingi. lalo na ang pahabol nya, "dapat swabe, dapat maganda". geez. pressure pa more teh.

so itinigil ko muna ang cookies sandali para harapin ang new homework.  nagresearch ako for about 2 hours for ideas. pero dahil mahaba din ang araw ko earlier at ang aga ko nagising, by 3 am, antokyo japan na.

3 am- bedtime. set the alarm for 7 and 8 am, hoping na pagkagising ko, matapos ko ang pinapagawa before i prepare to leave for the seminar at around 10 am.

9 am - woke up. nagsulat pero di pa rin natapos, 12 noon na. the seminar is at 1 pm. i had to leave na. before lunch ako magsasubmit, sabi ko. so another broken promise.

rushed pagligo pagbihis, pagtawag ng uber. in between, inasikaso ang order ng isang glutathione client from abs.

130 pm. seminar. in between listening to the lecture on personality types for story characters, was trying to finish the script. three frickin sequences. fine, the 2nd sequence is a series-- but STILL. fine, the sequences are not simple--but STILL. Lola, 3 sequences lang. why is it so frickin hard. nasan ang kilig sa katawan ko. naubos na yata. nasan ang lightning sa utak ko. nasaid na yata.

sabi ng co-writer ko, hindi ko kaya ginagawa mo, nagsusulat habang nagseseminar. sabi ko--ako din. i'm not one of those lucky ones who can write anywhere, anytime, while doing something else. kaya nga ang bagal ko. hindi ko kayang magseminar at magsulat nang mabilis at the same time. hindi ko kayang magsulat nang mabilis under ordinary circumstances, so imagine the speed in this situation. so inabot ng buong maghapon ang script. by 7 pm pa lang ako nakasubmit.

frustrated sa sarili. frustrated sa mga bagay bagay, but mostly sa sarili. pero ginawa ko naman yung best ko. hindi ko minadali. when you have done what you can, in the best way possible, all you really can do is let it go.

8 pm. nagmamadaling umuwi. dahil kailangang tapusin ang cookies na due kinabukasan.

4 am. hindi pa tapos ang cookies. 3pm later ang deadline. umidlip sandali.

pagkasiging, buong umaga at maghapon kong tinapos ang cookies. finally, natapos na. made the arrangements for grab express to pick it up.

eto na ang viber message ng CM from project 2-- bakit ang tagal ng storyline mo, i still need it. tunog sermon. mabait ang CM kong ito, minsan lang yan tumalak. kaya sobrang nastress ako. dahil hindi madali gumawa ng storyline. kahit mas maikli sa script, concept creating, character and plot designing, it takes time and lots of focus.

sabi ko, tomorrow po. ASAP po. ang dami kasing pahabol na revisions nung isang project. akala ko pagkasubmit ko ng buong script, matatahimik na ako, makakapagpahinga. but then. that's life. hindi naman nag-uutos ang mga tao just for the heck of it. we are all working towards same objectives.

for a moment, torn ako---- write the storyline na ba now na? dapat sana, pero may 30 pcs ng cookies akong naipangako sa friend ko for her son's birthday party kinabukasan. yun sana ang haharapin ko after this first cookie order. pagod na pagod ako that afternoon. as in. konti na lang, breakdown na. hindi ko alam paano hahatiin ang utak at katawan ko kung ano ba ang uunahin.

kaya natulog muna ako. deadma na muna sa mundo.

pagkagising ko, gabi na. i didn't want to disappoint my friend and back down on my promise. 11:30 am ang party kinabukasan. kaya tinapos ko yung cookies hanggang ...

4 am. almost done. simpleng simple lang sila. at sa party halos walang nakapansin sa kanila. kung alam lang ng mga tao na pinagpuyatan ko ang mga yun.  pero at least hindi ako nakasira ng pangako. nakapagdeliver ako.

10 am. nagready na kami ng anak ko to go to the party. we arrived there at 11:30-- punctual, for a change.

at ang saya kahit papano. nakakarefresh makita ang old buddies from college. sa facebook na lang kasi ako nakikibalita sa kanila. magmamigrate na ang friend kong naghost ng party sa HK for good, kaya kahit pagoda ako buong linggo, hindi ko pwedeng mamiss ito. i was tempted to bail out the day before dahil sa stress ko over the storyline, pero mabuti na lang pumunta ako.

sa mga pumunta sa party na yun na ka-batch ko (we were all film majors), ako lang ang nagstay sa pagsusulat. yung isa editor for film, yung isa teacher for masscomm students, yung isa nasa family business of importing (at sabi ko sa kanya---syet, pangarap ko yan! and i meant it with my whole heart). tinanong ako-- in so many words--- kumusta ang trabahong tulad ng sa yo?

ang sagot ko na lang- anuman ang isagot ko ngayon, pwedeng magbago, kasi sa ngayon, pagod ako.

tumawa yung kausap ko. sabi nya, referring to the hardships of being a writer for mainstream tv - ang hirap siguro ano, yung mga ideas mo may nakikialam, yung iba hindi natatanggap?

dear...that's not even half of it. i have long given up on all those elementary concerns. siguro naman deep inside, mahal ko ang trabaho ko. may fulfillment, kahit papano. pero sa ngayon, pagod lang talaga ako at mas madali sa akin ang bumitaw, emotionally.\

bumitaw physically--- hindi kaya. because i need the money.

wala akong problema sa mga taong katrabaho. sa mga taong boss ko. marami lang talaga akong kaaligagaan sa buhay ngayon, and for a pentium 1 like me, nakakaupos.

kaya lesson learned-- wala na munang cookie orders, teh. focus na muna sa day job. tapos na ang toxic days hopefully. hopefully. well, fine. siguro marami pang susunod, dahil yung piloting script namin ay draft 5 pa lang  (oo, konti pa lang daw yun, dagdagan pa daw ng apat at worst, dalawa at best, pero realistic expectation ko, 3. matatanggap na yun ng puso ko).

kaya susulitin ko ang free day kong ito. disconnected ako today. walang magulo.








Thursday, April 27, 2017

yung totoo...

...hindi  ko bet ang mga nawawalang anak, family members separated at birth, akala mo patay na pero buhay pala, mga nang-aapi, mga pumapatay, kidnapan, etcetera. and i'm sure, yung iba ko ring mga kasama, from my rank all the way up to the big guys, purga na rin.

pero ganun talaga. yun ang gusto ng mga "customers" namin. and the customer is always right. magluto ng putaheng angkop sa panglasa ng mga kumakain sa karenderya mo. 

kaya namiss ko tuloy yung tinatrabaho namin nung 2015. it's really sad na hindi uso sa ngayon ang mga ganong kwento. yung light at masaya, kilig, pero in many ways makatotohanan. walang mahirap vs mayaman, walang twist na mag-ina pala o magkapatid. i'm uncomfortable working on a story that operates on a different kind of "reality". kasi sa totoong buhay, wala naman talagang magpapakidnap ng tao basta basta. 

pero pera, pera. kung ano ang gusto ng customer, ibigay na. para may pera, pera. 

and along the way, hanapan natin ng joy ang tinatrabaho natin.

thank you, Lord, for promising possibilities for the remainder of 2017. thank you Lord, for the opportunity to work and earn. 

Sunday, April 23, 2017

perfection

it's 6:41 am, been up all night working, and just about to go to bed with (visions of) this perfection:



 i may change my mind when i wake up later, but right now, Papa HJ, nothing matters. Gay, bi, tri, pan, trannie, I.. DON'T.. CARE.  You are PERFECT.  from kili-kili to chesthair to that smoldering come-hither stare. just looking at you makes me wanna go to the beach. i can almost smell the salt on your skin. (um, wait. let's not go the "smell" route)

I am SO happy that i am not the only one swooning and sweltering over this picture. posted this on my social media walls and at least one fb friend swooned so much, she just had to PM me about it throughout the day.  (and like me, she started liking Papa Hugh right after "Logan"! i wunder why? is that a phenomenon?)

i like HJ in all his happy, trustworthy, unsexually-threatning handsomeness, but with that pic above? HMM. threaten me, break my trust, just make sure you look EXACTLY like that.

okay, puyat is making sound like a cougar more and more by the day. and to think this guy is, whut, 12 years older than me (you were 12 and i was being born! aww)

have to go to bed now. no, not with you Hugh, sorry. HAHA.

heartheart.

(can't believe i'm turning 37 in 2 days. my post reads like the gushy fangirling of an early-twentysomething!)



Friday, April 21, 2017

cracks in the illusion

it's 6:34 and i've been up all night working. i really should go to bed now, but i just need to let this out.

i think papa hugh is gay. :-(

i have no evidence except hearsay and circumstance. hindi papasa ito sa korte.

but you know that feeling? that gut feeling?

i can't explain it. basta ang lakas ng kutob ko.

kung tama ako, there goes my illusion that a perfect man like that could exist.

may basag na ang rose-colored glasses. huhuhu.

ayoko, papa hugh. ayokong maging gay ka!

i don't know how long this little crush will last, pero nararamdaman ko na.  the first cracks usually omen the beginning of the end.  ayoko pa, papa hugh. gusto ko pang maging crush ka. convince me that i'm wrong about my suspicions.

of course, just the fact na crush ko sya- circumstantial evidence na.  i'm usually attracted to men who, i later find out, turn out to be gay.

there's just something about 'em you know. maybe that "i'm harmless, you can trust me" vibe.

hugh jackman as wolverine, no. but hugh jackman as himself, definitely. those happy eyes, that wholesome aura about him. harmless. trustworthy. non-sexually-predatory. gay?

ayoko pa talaga. gusto ko pang umasa. if someone can be that wonderful, my husband can be that wonderful, too. it is possible.

nananalig pa rin ako, papa hugh.






Friday, April 14, 2017

Procrastinating Tactic (or Why I REALLY Love Hugh. Again. and Again)

got a deadline to meet (and will probably miss, at the rate i'm going), and all i really want to do is talk about ...well, you, Papa Hugh.



i see a pattern here. when i'm stressed, or when there's something i really don't feel like doing (most of the time, work-related), that's when i feel like talking about Papa Hugh. Or youtubing him, or checking him on IG, or watching a movie he's in. He's a jolt of sugar to my blood,  a blast of sunshine on a dreary day.  (and i say that with no guilt--cause my husband knows, how could he not know, i couldn't stop talking about Hugh!). I DON'T KNOW. it's just a compulsion, you know. so now my stress-combat kit includes you. coffee, cigarettes, and Papa Hugh!




i've reached a point where i was seriously wondering if there's something wrong with me (married woman, hello? crushing heavily on some movie star?), but i've been relieved of guilt- it's a perfectly normal thing that happens to many married people. and i'm glad that hubby and i are open to each other about these things (at least, ako open- wala naman kasi syang kinukwento tungkol sa mga celebrity "crushes" nya), so that makes me feel a whole lot better, that he knows and he's cool about me totally crushing like  a highschool fangirl over Papa Hugh.

this is going to be a rave post again. just indulge me. I HAVE NEVER KNOWN any celebrity as seemingly PERFECT as him. Even Keanu, whom I've loved and admired since forever, loses out to this guy in a number of aspects. (Sorry Keanu).

Literally. He's almost too good to be true. Why? here's a rundown:

+ He seems like a really good husband to his wife.


I want a picture like this too, with my husband!

How can someone be famous, achingly handsome, filthy rich, and be able to resist extramarital temptations? SERIOUSLY, THIS COMPRISES 40% of  my admiration for Hugh. Definitely #husbandgoals. I have a really good man for a husband, but he's just a regular guy. And I really really hope that should he become rich, famous, and movie-star handsome like Papa Hugh someday, he'd still be the same faithful, wonderful husband that he is to me. Cause that's the acid test, you know. Fame and fortune and good looks attract a lot of  husband-snatching beeyatches out there, among other things. Kaya SOBRANG NAPAPABILIB TALAGA AKO sa devotion ni Papa Hugh sa misis nya. (at least somewhat sure ako na hindi sya babaero--  yung possibility na lalakero.. under investigation pa. haha).

I love the way he seems to love her!

Aside from the fidelity thing.. there's also the sweetness thing. He's been very vocal about his appreciation of his wife in  interviews. Who doesn't want a husband like that?

+ He seems like a really loving father to his kids. 



Maybe it's because I'm a mother, but I'm particularly moved by a man who makes an effort to be a good father to his children. Plus 100 pogi points yun for me. For me, being a responsible, loving parent is a measure of a person's character. You can't be a good person if you don't give a shit's ass about your kids. So Papa Hugh has pictures with his kids all over the internet - playing with them, swimming with them, going out to Disneyland with them, etc- but I've seen interviews wherein he talks about his kids and I could see that he likes talking about his kids, and that there's a lot of affection there.

I also like his views about raising children:

"I constantly talk to them about respect and gratitude. I say 'Unfortunately I'm going to be tougher on you than I would be if I wasn't famous, because people are actually going to be less tough on you in life'. In a way they have to be better-behaved, be more respectful, have more gratitude than other ids. I try to keep their life as down-to-earth as possible. I really do." 



Grabe, Papa Hugh. You have your feet on the ground and your heart in the right place.

+ He loves dogs. 
I'm more of a cat person, but if a guy loves dogs, or animals of any kind, that must mean he's capable of caring for something other than himself. But if you're a pet-loving guy and you look like Hugh Jackman, that's plus pogi points times ten. :-D


+He seems like a good son. 
Talking about his father in one of those TV interviews, he broke down in tears (grabe. imagine Wolverine, crying?) He was talking about his mother having left them when he was 8 years old, and how his father became his "rock" and helped him deal with the devastation. Having gone through that kind of trauma, one would understand if he's distanced himself from his mother, but no. He seems to be in good terms with Mum now (IG reveals she visits him every so often and they make her homemade recipes together). No grudges there, it seems. It's hard to forgive when people have scarred you as a kid, but he seems to have done it. Love you even more for that Papa Hugh!



+He has a sense of humor.  
THIS. Nothing like a guy who can laugh at himself. Even better, a guy who can make you laugh. It's disarming. You let your guard down, you instinctively like the person.

Yas, Papa Hugh is funny. Witty, even-- this interview made me LOL a bit!  Also I found this in the youtube baul, and I methinks I was smiling althroughout :-)

+He seems like a REALLY nice guy. 
He seems to be the opposite of intense, angst-y, always-snarling Wolverine. Parang lagi syang good mood when he shows himself to the world. Laging ready for a smile or a laugh. Down-to-earth. Positive. Good-natured. Humble. An easygoing kind of person. Everyone who's ever worked or met him seems to agree-- there's nothing bad one can say about Hugh. (This article on "How to be as Nice as HJ" condenses all that). And those eyes somehow reflect that kindness-- they're the eyes of a happy, grateful person. For this quality alone, this human being has my respect. #charactergoals, bes. Not only do I (occasionally dour, sulky Wednesday-Addams-on-a-bad day) need a person like this in my life... I want to be this kind of person, too. HOW TO BE YOU PO, PAPA HUGH? Crush na, idol pa. Hinakot mo na talaga!

+He appreciates his fans. 
He often video-greets his fans on IG. Always seemingly ready for a photo op or a video greet. Never heard of an incident where he shows anything less than pleasant towards a fan.  (AND I LOVE YOU MOSTEST FOR THIS, PAPA HUGH! Please, come over to Manila. Please pleaaase!)

+He can actually sing and dance--- and he is damn good at both.
One of my most surprising discoveries.  At late ko na rin nadiscover. I think I'd known before that he could sing, but it's rare that a guy as tall as he could possess the nimbleness and grace of a dancer, but he actually does.  I was floored by this video! Lakas makangiti. :-) :-) 

+He is a disciplined professional. 
I've read a lot about people saying he's grounded, disciplined, a true pro, and it does show. For someone to be able to drastically change their physique (not once, but many times) for the job, that says a lot about the guy's self-discipline. I for one, might not be able to do that. I LOVE FOOD TOO MUCH. I'M TOO LAZY. (But tell me I'll get at least a million bucks to work it and shape up? I don't know. Maybe). He himself admitted that he had a disciplined, frugal upbringing (PARENTS! we indeed shape our children!), so it's not improbable that part of his character reflects on his attitude towards work. (AND I'M SURE, KUNG NAGING WRITER SI PAPA HUGH, KAPAG MAY DEADLINE HINDI NYA UUNAHIN MAGSULAT NG BLOG ENTRY LIKE THIS!)  So again, Papa Hugh...  #charactergoals. How to be you po? You are a true inspiration. In more ways than one.


+He helps people. 
He and his wife do a lot of charity, but aside from that, parang sya yung tipong Good Samaritan by instinct (haha. of course I can never be sure, but he sure strikes me as someone like that!) Yung tipong, kapag nalulunod ka, ililigtas ka nya. O kapag kailangan mo ng tulong he wouldn't turn you away (a lot like Keanu Reeves, in this aspect!). 

+He's proud of his home country. 
He always mentions Australia every opportunity he gets. He seems mighty proud of his roots. :-) 

+He seems like a smart guy. 
You can tell, not only by the way he expresses himself (very articulate!), but also in what he's actually saying. In most of his interviews, when he's not injecting humor in a convo, he's sharing some life insight, a few words of wisdom :-)  Not kidding, I think I picked up a couple of  life tips. Haha. Here are just a few of my favorites. 

 I believe actually the more you do something, the less frightening it becomes because you start to realize the outcome is not as important as you think. (NAPAISIP AKO DUN AH. IN FAIRNESS. I HAVE YET TO TAKE THAT CHALLENGE, THOUGH. LIKE WRITING THIS SCRIPT EVEN IF I'M DREADING THE DISCOMFORT AND DIFFICULTY I'D HAVE TO GO THROUGH JUST TO FINISH IT)

Becoming a father, I think it inevitably changes your perspective of life. I don't get nearly enough sleep. And the simplest things in life are completely satisfying. I find you don't have to do as much, like you don't go on as many outings. (I CAN RELATE TO THIS! APIR.)

Your wife is always right. Very simple. I think I'm going to get it tattooed on my forehead. (YOU AND MY HUSBAND NEED TO HAVE A LONG TALK ABOUT THIS, PAPA HUGH)

+He seems like your wholesome EveryGuy.
He seems the kind of person na gugustuhin mong mapangasawa ng anak mo (pero hindi ang anak ko, kasi ang layo ng age gap haha). You would want him to be your husband, your son, your father, your kuya, your tito, your bestfriend, your boyfriend, your teacher, your boss. You would want him to be part of your family, part of your circle of friends. Kasi parang ang bait bait nya. Parang ang gaan gaan kasama.  FINE, I KNOW I'M BLINDLY INFATUATED, but if you don't believe me, hear it from his co-actors, Amanda Seyfried and Jake Gyllenhal



+He looks hot. Alpha-male hot.
Dahil kay Papa Hugh, naa-appreciate ko na ang abs at muscles ngayon. :-D And it's the bone structure- the broad shoulders, the tall athletic frame. God was in a good mood when He built Papa Hugh.


I usually find men with softened faces more attractive, but there's something about that face.



The brown eyes that shine when he laughs or smiles. Those perfect teeth (Mygawd, seriously). The Roman nose. How the crow's feet crinkle around his eyes when he smiles. I don't like his Wolverine look. But the Papa Hugh face I lablab much. Parang ang bait bait nya. Parang mapapagkatiwalaan.


my only regret is that i wish i had appreciated Papa Hugh 10 years earlier.  kasi that was his peak. he was the Sexiest Man Alive for People Magazine in 2008. He was at his most achingly handsome then. pakatotoo na ko, kahit ang dami nyang good qualities syempre malaking bagay pa rin yung "He looks hot". haha. Pero kahit na 48 ka na, Papa Hugh, even if your years have started to catch up with you (just a little slightly), I still love you! I don't know for how long, pero sa ngayon, super lablab kita. Heart heart. Mwah mwah.





OKAY. that out, i can now go back to work. hay. :-( i really need to finish this para bye-bye na, current project. bye-bye na for reals.

HUHUHU. I just spent the entire night dredging all this out. Last na ngang script for this show, nagpakapasaway pa. :-(







Thursday, March 30, 2017

Why I Love Hugh

Well, except for the obvious... 
 

Which actually stumps me, because normally, I'm not a beefcake kinda gal. I never went for pecs, bulging biceps or what have you. Never been attracted to athletes, bodybuilders, wrestlers.  I'm a face and personality kind of girl. That's what's always attracted me to guys.


So it's not surprising to me na ngayon ko lang napansin talaga si Papa Hugh, after all these years. He's played guys that are the antithesis of my Ideal. The brusque, the feral, the muscle-man, the all-too-serious, all-too-intense, hardly-smiles, quick-to-punch Bad Boy. That is, until he did "L0gan". Well he's still kinda like that, but.. different. At sa "L0gan" ko pa talaga sya talagang na-appreciate, wherein played this ageing somewhat-deglamorized guy-at-the-end-of-his-line.  


Ang weird ko. Kasi parang.. tinamaan akong bigla. Like some arrow just hit me and the arrow was that movie. It just crept up on me, this fascination, then next thing I knew I was like this bumbling teenager.  

I wouldn't go so far as to say na kakaribalin na nya ang husband ko (always my test question to mahself: if a miracle happens and he goes after you, would you agree to it? THANK GOD my answer has always been NO). But I'm just overwhelmed, by this new concept of the Ideal. It's kind of out of the box this time. It's so unlike me.  And I just need to write about it or else mabubwisit na ang mga tao sa paligid ko dahil puro Papa Hugh ang bukambibig ko (my husband included!)  

So I've done this fan thing before, I've always been a fan of someone ever since I was 4 (Hello John in John En Marsha!), Keanu. Kevin. My college professors. Except for Keanu (and a few younger local stars na kinahumalingan ko), all of them fit a certain peg: mature, intelligent, self-assured, stable, trustworthy-looking. Kaya kakagulat itong latest ko. Like some bug bit me. And all of a sudden I was discovering this new person(ality), and it all began with a movie wherein, ironically, he was made to look his worst. So ano yun.. hindi physical? 

ano bang meron kay L0gan? 

ayokong mambore ng tao pero sorry, I just need to get this out. WHY? WHY??? why am i so taken by you now? after L0gan, bigla kang gumwapo sa paningin ko. I've probably seen a dozen movies you've been in these past 15 years, at wala lang akong pake sa yo. so weird. so...weird. 

and then i do my compulsive research and get to know a bit more of what you seem to be, in real life. lalo lang akong natuwa. you're so not w0lverine naman pala. you seem to actually be such a... good guy. A lot like Keanu, only that you can actually act. and that you seem more... conventional? More sociable? you love dogs, you love your wife and you're actually faithful to her. you seem so easy-going and down-to-earth and warm and genuine. and funny, too. So easy to like. you seem like a good father. And all these discoveries have taken my fascination to a different level. You are now the new ideal to me, and it's a bit scary, because I don't want my addiction to Ideals to affect my real life. 

my husband isn't perfect, he was also an unconventional choice for me back then. But he's wonderful in so many ways (at guwapo sa mata ng maraming tao! he's more guwapo than I am maganda, truth be told). I know I'm a very lucky wife. so i can't say this is a symptom of dissatisfaction or unhappiness or some psychological kemerut involving our marriage. maybe it's just the way I am, my addiction to Ideals, the romanticist in me. the thrill it brings me, that fangirl excitement that i always go back to, that i always crave for even way before I ever had a semblance of a love life.  

which brings me to the last artista i was fangirling over, before you came into the picture-- the star of our latest project. why did it end? maybe because I realized that, IRL, hindi pala sya yung imahe sa utak ko. he's not the enigmatic, innately confident, sophisticated guy I'd thought he was. and it happened, too, with the artista before him. one evidence of imperfection, one unhealthy dose of ugly reality, is all it would take. Guguho ang ilusyon, at di na mababalik uli sa dati. I just want to get those cheap thrills, I'm not in for the ugly thingies, so I get turned off easily, but not without the pain of disillusionment pa rin.

So please, Papa Hugh, don't do that to me. I may not love you guys like how I love the real people in my life, pero masakit pa ring madisilusyon at madisappoint. Please continue to be as achingly handsome as you are. please continue to surprise me in my discoveries about you. please continue to be that charming Good Guy (and yes! keep the beefcake! i appreciate it on you). please let me not hear stories of you cheating on your wife, or being rude to a fan, or getting in trouble with the law in real life, or coming out as gay. please continue to be PERFECT, and i will PERFECTLY LOVE YOU from where I am now. at least, until the magic wears off. 

 that said.. maybe i can now calm down. dahil i just discovered this AMAZING TV ad tonight. Him, dancing, ala Christopher Walken, in a suit. And my Hugh-loving heart just cannot, because I didn't know that he can dance so exceptionally well. For a really tall guy, that's unusual. So lahat na lang talaga nasa iyo. HAIST! 

please Papa Hugh! come to manila!!! kung taipei nga napuntahan mo for the promotion of L0gan, isang kembot na lang sana nandito ka na! PLEASE, PLEASE.. bucket list item ko ang maka-selfie kasama ka. I know you love kids ("Being a parent opens up your heart"- can you believe this guy?!?) kaya ipopronta ko ang anak ko para lang magpapansin sa yo! haha. My babygirl doesn't like you and is kinda jealous of you already ("Puro na lang HUGH J@ckm@n Mama!") but I'm sure you won't be able to say no to a selfie with her. 


 



Tuesday, March 14, 2017

March Mayhem

mayhem is a strong word to use for march, and it's only the second week of the month, but... it sounds good with march. hehe. and i'm in such a good mood these days, let's make it a HAPPY mayhem. mayhem that is HAPPY is good mayhem.

so whatever comes this way... good vibes, come over heeere!

last week i survived 3 straight days of writing a fresh new draft. dalawa kaming writers na nagtutulong, pero from sequence treatment to script, tapos 3 days lang ibinigay (at nagpapatawag pa ng meetings in between)-- sorry po, tao lang. taong marupok, may kabagalan, kelangan ng mas mahaba-habang panahon para maglatag ng bagong bagong script week, after 30 years (dahil ang week 5, the last script week, ay ginawa namin nung 2016 pa)

so for 2-3 days, i plodded on. fueled by food, coffee, coke zero, the yow (yes, i'm back. huhuhu). 1.5 days ang labor time ko for 1 script day. kaya talagang huhuhuhu. abused my body with all that junk, just to keep myself awake. just to keep me going.

sabi namin ng co-writer ko, a sent script is better than an amazing script. iraraos lang namin to, given the impossible deadline. pero ewan. hindi ko maatim. gusto kong i-ire na lang at tuloy tuloy na lang letche bahala kayo kung ano kalabasan basta mabuo lang, pero ewan. di ko kaya bes. at least man lang presentable kahit papano.

tapos may sumabay pang cookie order. yes i still take these sideline thingies. i don't advertise anymore but when someone knocks on my order, hindi ko mahindian. so dumating na naman ako sa point na magsusulat, tapos bababa para gawin yung cookie designs, tapos aakyat uli para magsulat.

natapos ko ang script, hindi pa tapos ang cookie designs. (priorities, y'know). butina lang nakapag-adjust ang deadline nung sideline.

mabuti na lang din, WEEKEND last weekend was HAPPY. it's my husband's first weekend after his show ended (for the meantime) and am i so happy to see him around the house again. usually kasi alas-3 na ng umaga sya nakakauwi at sa tanghali naman, we just eat lunch together tapos pasok na sya for work.

another thing to be happy about--- our weekend show is raking in the ratings! akalain mo bes! huhuhu. nakakaloka lang. now that it's nearing its airing finale it's safe to say this series has been a hit. the ratings have reached a historic high of 39.3 (a first in recent history for this weekend show), and it would be safe to assume na magiging ganyan din ang finale next week (o kung mas mababa, around mid-30s ratings wouldn't be so bad! not so bad at all!)

we had low expectations for this one when we began, kaya nagulat talaga kami. at ang pinakabongga dun, happy pa yung isang boss namin. one of her favorite series daw in the show's recent history. ako naman... REALLY? i can't say i'm mighty ultra nagagandahan sa isang to, at least from a writer's POV. pero while writing i just accepted the things i couldn't change and chose my battles. and tried to make the most of what was available.

pero grabe lang, nung pinitch namin hindi kami nahirapan kay big boss. halos walang tanong, halos walang revision. casting concerns na agad after pitch. there must be gold in Goldie talaga. kung gaano kaswabe ang project na ito, ganoon naman kachallenging yung soap namin. huhuhu. but, we're fighting. the same principles-- make the most of what you have, accept the things you can't change, and choose your battles.

kaya thank you Lord. thank You Lord, dahil alam ko po, kasama namin kayo hanggang sa final script week ng soap na ito. we're halfway through, and I pray, I believe, the worst part (1 year of development hell) is over. mairaraos din namin ito.

another happy thing about march---  LOGAN! one of the best movies i've seen in recent years. at sobrang ganda nya, naging crush ko na si Hugh Jackman. HUHUHU. not into those types, pero ang weird. ngayon ko lang sya na-appreciate when he is not that superhero na beastmode lagi.