Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Dear Anak,

These past few days, thanks to work downtime, mas madalas tayong magkasama. Time spent with you is always a blessing to thank God for. Ang bilis kasi ng mga araw, ang bilis mo lumaki.

Figuratively speaking. This year you were less of a little kid than last year. Even in the way you converse-- mas complicated na ang mga questions mo, mas "adult" na ang logic at analogy mo. Last night at bedtime, sleepy-you said to me-- Mama, hug mo ako. AWWW. Nakakatunaw makarinig ng ganon mula sa iyo. Kasi hindi ko alam kung next year ganito ka pa rin. I so love you anak. I want to make the most of these days, na ganyan ka pa ka-expressive at ka-sweet. Na kasama pa ako sa sentro ng mundo mo.

Literally speaking, ang tangkad tangkad mo na! Knock on wood. 7 years old and I'm only a full head taller than you are. At the rate you're going, by the time you're 12, baka kasing laki na kita (at sana, sana sana, malampasan mo pa pati ang Papa mo!). Ayoko sanang maipasa sa yo ang fixation ko with height (another hangup! haha), pero I can't help expressing my joy whenever the topic is about you getting taller. Ayokong maipasa sa iyo ang prejudice ko pagdating sa height (huhuhu), pero di ko maiwasan na i-wish na sana paglaki mo maging mas matangkad ka pa kesa sa akin. Sana, sana. ang hirap kasi ng nakaheels at platform shoes palagi. Haha.

That doesn't mean taller=better. I know genetics has a large role in the height you're going to have as an adult, at kung sakali man na paglaki mo kasing-height mo ako, don't worry. Maganda ka naman. Matalino (pero di ko yun sinasabi sa yo, because growth mindset vs fixed mindset--- kahit di matalino ang tao sa isang bagay, o kahit di magsimulang mahusay sa isang bagay, they can perform better at something, if they work hard on it. people can grow to be better, hindi fixed yun). Mabait (more than most! We try our best not to spoil you!). And being small is sometimes an advantage. They underestimate you, in a way. Some people will actually be more solicitous and helpful towards you, and this will come in handy when you're carrying heavy luggage up a flight of stairs and someone will actually volunteer to help you carry them-- aww, she's too petite to carry all that, let me help her. See, sometimes you bring out the best in people when you're petite! Haha.

I wish I could instill in you the mindset of valuing yourself beyond your physical looks.

I wish you would grow up thinking that there is SO MUCH more to you than what you look like--- a good heart, a bright mind, an interesting personality.

Pero ang hirap, kasi ako mismo produkto ng isang generation where women are valued greatly for their physical looks. Feeling ko, hanggang ngayon, ganon pa rin. Even more so, in these social media times. Sana hindi ka matulad sa akin. Kahit anong conditioning ng nanay ko sa akin, in the end marami pa rin akong physical hangups. Before I met your Papa, I had believed I wasn't pretty enough to be loved. Which is BS, right? There are a lot more women then men who think that. "To find a man who will love you, you have to be pretty".  Well let me tell you-- your physical looks might attract men, but it's your personality, your character, your brains that will make them stay, that will make them fall in love with you.

So don't fret if you don't have supermodel looks (who knows, pagdating ng 20 years baka ikaw na ang definition ng supermodel, nagbabago bago din ang standards ng mga tao we never know), you are visually pleasing enough for anyone to want to have coffee with you (but be discriminating sa mga nagyayaya sa yong mag-kape--- baka ayain ka lang sumali sa networking! haha).  Finding a romantic partner, having a love life, is a complicated topic, pero bottom line is--- you are valuable, and you should know it. Don't let what others think about you become the measure of how much you value yourself. You are valuable, period.

Why? Because bata ka pa lang, napakabait mo na. You have such a gentle, loving, lovable temperament. Kahit mga magulang ng mga classmates mo, gusto ka. You are bright-- conversations with you will never be boring for people who appreciate good conversation. Ngayon pa lang, ang mga tanong mo, nakakatuwa. Naeenjoy ko ang mga pag-uusap natin. And you are pleasing to the eyes-- combine that with everything else, jackpot na ang future son-in-law ko (sana matagal pa anak, mga 20-25 years from now).

I just want you to grow up with a healthy perception of yourself. With a healthy self-esteem. You are valuable, anak. And I pray that you grow up knowing that, and not rely on other people's perceptions to see how valuable you are. You are valuable and lovable, you should know that in your heart.

So you're 7. And you constantly fear Math, pero 93 ang grade mo sa Math (kaloka ka. hindi ko nga yata naabot ang 93 sa math ever). I wish Math would become your friend til you grow up. Kasi kakailanganin mo sya.

Your 7th christmas with us. You wish for a bike, pero alam ko, hindi mo sya sobrang gustong gusto, kahit ano happy ka na. I'm happy to see that you're not fixated on material things. Fixated ka lang kay Pat and Gen, watching them do minecraft on Youtube. Okay na yun. I'm proud of how you are so far and I'm optimistic and fairly confident of the person you have yet to become. Basta ang pinakamahalaga, over achievement and success anak, is that you have a good heart--- sensitive sa kapwa mo tao, handang tumulong kapag kailangan, may enough integrity to do what is right and just even if everyone else is doing the contrary. And yes, courage. That's something we are working on. I don't know how to teach you that. Sana tulungan kami ni God na mapalaki ka namin to become a courageous, strong girl.

12 days til Christmas

And thank God, halos tapos na ako sa Christmas shopping. Hindi ako masyadong nahirapan this year. Mga boss na lang ang kulang, pero halos lahat ng friends at kapamilya meron nang nakalaan. Konti na lang, list is complete.

But that's not the reason why I'm writing here. Today I started something new.  Yes, a diet! Yung sikat na sikat ngayong keeetow. First time kong magseryoso sa isang diet in a long long time. I'm not one to go on fad diets-- never really believed in them-- but the testimonials of peeps on this one, man. And an entirely different approach, one that's not going to be hard for me to follow (pwede ang meat! pwede ang fat! pwedeng kumain, bawas lang ng carbs!). So Day 1 is done, and this was my first keetow meal for the day...

 Salmon omelette with lettuce and onions and a spoonful of cream cheese (yes, pwede ang cream cheese- kahit konti). Hopefully, in 5 months-- that's May 2018-- I'd be 20 pounds lighter. Others have lost same amount of way on this diet for a shorter period of time kaya hindi naman siguro imposible. Morning of Day 1, I weighed in at 61.5 kilos (ARGH). By May 2018, masaya na ako at 50 kilos (but that's still 3 kilos shy of my mid-20s weight, 47 kilos-- the weight I'd kept on for about 10 years before I bloated to this pudgy mommy-figured self).

Claiming it, universe. I'm imagining the old clothes I'd be able to wear again (it'll be like having an entirely new wardrobe--only their old clothes!). Goodbye, loose fat-girl polo shirts. Hello again, shorts and dresses. Goodbye, 30-inch-waistline jeggings. Hello again, old 27-inch jeans. Okay, 27 inch waistline ain't the ideal, but that would be good enough for me. Anything that would make me fit my old jeans again!

So Day 2 begins in a few hours and I'm still up. Buti na lang, thank You Lord, magaan ang work life these days. Ewan ko na lang during deadlines (not allowed to drink normal coffee! no sugars, too) pero I'm keeping my hopes up. And determined to fight! Dry run lang ang 1 week, alam ko, lafang month ang December pero malay natin, ma-maintain ko ang keetow way of eating kahit papano. Kelangan lang, determinado.

Magastos ang diet na ito-- at least for someone like me na matakaw. Went to the grocery again and bought meat, meat meat. Tonight I ate hamburger patties--  ground pork and beef, onions, eggs, salt pepper. I'm making chicken broth later-- slow-cooking it-- and thank God I love eggs because eggs will be my best friend from Day 1 onwards. Lord, sana talaga mapanindigan ko.

So I still have burger patties for lunch later. And a bit of the salmon omelette for breakfast (lalagyan ko uli ng lettuce and onion). May meeting later, kaya malamang late dinner of burger patties din. And chicken broth.

Day 2, bring it on! Keeetow is on!

Sana by Day 3, 60 kilos na ko. Haha. I used to be this way when I was in college. Nakabantay lagi sa weighing scale. Nakakapagod ang ganun. Pero hindi ko alam kung psychological, pero ang gaan ng pakiramdam ko. Not eating rice, or bread, or any carb-heavy food for Day 1. Hindi ako nanghihina dahil siguro sa fats. At ang lakas kong uminom ng tubig.

50 kilos by May. No more chubchub face. No more double chin. Back to slim petite me. Huhu. I miss the younger slimmer petite version of me.

A lot of writing has to happen between now and May, kaya good luck. Kaya ko 'to!! Pwede ang chicharon sa diet na to, alam mo ba yon?? Di ba ang saya? So I'll be munching on chicharon whenever I'm stressed while writing. I'll be eating up. No more fasts, at least while I'm starting on this diet. Eggs are my bestfriend. And a bit of cheese, too. And butter, yeah. Basta organic pure butter.

Missing rice? I'll try cauli rice! I bought cauliflower. Ang mahal ng cauliflower grabe. Pero go go go. Pwede nga ang steak sa diet na to. Pwede ang favorite kong inihaw na pusit, inihaw na liempo. Sana talaga, ito na ang diet na magtatanggal ng post-owtwol fats ko.

Thursday, November 23, 2017


today I'm planning to do something I haven't done in more than a decade.  the first time i did it, it was such a big deal then. my be all and end all. pero ngayon... baka-sakali lang. kung gugustuhin ng Diyos. kung ayon sa kanya ay handa na ako para sa ganitong klaseng responsibilidad.

if makapasok, it means God believes I have the right mind-set now. that i am ready- emotionally, spiritually. that i am mature enough, wise enough, not to make the same mistakes again.

if hindi, then either I'm not yet ready, or that's not my purpose. and that's perfectly okay, because I'm happy, with who I am and what I am now. hindi na "yun" ang lunduyan ng mga pangarap ko. hindi na yun ang be all end all ko. 9 years since my painful awakening and I want to believe I have at least learned something. that taking on that path is not because I want things for ME, what the world can do to me or FOR me, but the other way around.

may viber group na isinali ako. wala masyadong umiimik doon except the resident priest who would viber-message the gospel and homily every Saturday evening. I remember one of his gospel-homilies-- about the parable of the talents. may sariling interpretation si Father. meron din ako, na maa-apply ko sa buhay ko at  siguro sa kaso na rin ng marami.

the things we were born with, whatever they are-- a good voice, a creative imagination, a brain for numbers, what have you-- we cannot take credit for them. they are gifts from God-- and gifts like talents are given to us, not because we deserve them or did anything to earn them, but because maybe, God feels that we would be a good instrument for that specific gift to benefit other people.

i believe we all have a gift, it may not be a literal talent or inborn skill (gift din yung may charisma sa tao, may natural empathy, good listening skills), but we were all given something that we can be good at.  anuman yun, binigay sa atin yun para ipamahagi sa iba, para makatulong sa mundong ginagalawan natin, pagyamanin yun and become spiritually-better persons (and help enrich others spiritually, as well) because of those gifts.

pero kung ang gift na ibinigay sa iyo, o yung bagay na ikinasasaya mong gawin, ay hindi makakabuti sa iyo bilang tao... hindi nya ibibigay. ililihis ka nya.

kaya sa mga kaibigan kong nag-eencourage sa akin, nakakataba talaga ng puso. pero hindi ako ang magdedesisyon kung nararapat ko bang ituloy yung sinimulan kong kakarampot noon. God knows better, God knows me so much better than I know myself. Yes, I want to go back. Yes I want to do it again. But it's not my decision to make. I surrender my destiny to God, dahil mas alam Nya kung anong makakabuti para sa akin at sa ating lahat.

kahapon, naramdaman ko habang nagpapaburn ako ng DVDs, yung dating ako, whenever I would be immersed in a project--- yung makulit, mabusisi, may pagka-OC, yung perfectionist. nakakatakot, kasi lumalabas lang yun kapag direktor ang role ko sa isang proyekto.  kaya ipinapaubaya ko na lang lahat sa Diyos. Mas alam nya.

kung sakali man na palarin, at gustuhin nyang ipagpatuloy ko, I've made a promise to myself that it's not going to be about me. Not about prestige power (money... hmm) but the responsibility. Social responsibility, moral responsbility.  the parable of the talents- kapag binigay sa iyo, pagyamanin mo, hindi para sa sarili mo (hindi naman ikaw ang magaling bes. sa totoo lang.), kundi para sa iba.

obligasyon ng isang filmmaker na magmulat ng isip, magharap ng salamin sa ating lahat para makita natin kung ano talaga from the perspective of a certain person, obligasyon nya to show truth, realities, help uncover pieces of this great puzzle, enlighten, inspire, entertain, be an instrument of the good.  ganun din ang writer, actually. kaya kung matanggap man o hindi, makapasa man o hindi, okay lang. I am in a place where I feel I am, somehow, serving a purpose. ang diperensya lang, noon, mas naeenjoy ko ang pagdidirek kesa pagsusulat. mas madali sya for me (at sabi din ng ibang direktor na dating writer, mas madali naman talaga ang pagdidirek kesa pagsusulat--for nearly everybody).

natuwa lang ako dahil finally, naiupload ko na ang thesis film ko sa internet. after 15 years sa baul. salamat sa techonology. i don't want to dwell on the past, pero nang mapanood ko sya uli after a while, parang nagbalik lahat ng masasayang memories--- when it used to be about the process, about the journey. noon, wala pang awards awards. thesis ko lang sya, anak ko lang sya, at gusto ko lang na magawa sya nang maganda. and I enjoyed every step of the way, and all of it was so pure. almost spiritual-- creating something, and enjoying it. being so passionate about it, it doesn't feel like (school) work at all.  I've been very lucky in so many aspects of that project-- magaling ang mga artistang napakiusapan ko, sinwerte ako dahil nung mga panahong naghahanap ako ng concept for a short film, I got to talk to the right person at the right time. Luck had a lot to do with it, honestly. And even if it came out the way it did because I did a good job, it's not something I should pat myself on the back for--- instrumento ka lang, bes.  May purpose kung bakit sa iyo ibinigay. It's not about you, at all, so always keep that in mind. You are just an instrument, so serve your purpose.

Lord, kayo na po ang bahala. Okay lang po kahit ano, Lord. I'm grateful for the things I have now, I cannot want for more (except.. money? promise po, ishashare ko! maraming makikinabang).

I'd better move my ass at asikasuhin na yung mga dapat isubmit. Kung aabot ako ng 5 PM submission today. Deadline bukas, pero gusto ko nang gawin to today para matapos na at maka-move on na ako bes! Bihira lang ang task-free days like this! Need ko na magpa-wax ng legs, pahaircut, padentist, kumuha ng sweldo, maggrocery, at marami pang ibang little thingies na kailangang asikasuhin sa life.

Tuesday, November 07, 2017

things to do vs things i want to do

There are so many things I want to do. Let me start with the kitchen.

I want to cook the soup recipes I found on Pinterest.

I want to try cooking my mother-in-law's favorite Sinigang.

I want to make and decorate My Little Pony cookies for my little one (everytime we watch the My Little Pony movie, the urge persists! Those ponies are all so cute!)

I want to cook pumpkin soup again.

I want to cookie the new recipe I got from our boss's chef (2nd hand info, but well--worth a try!)

Let's move on to the bedroom. (No.... not what you might think!)

I want-- no, NEED-- to do a major clearing of things. Part ways with stuff that only add to the clutter. Throw away things that I don't need anymore. Let go of my "darlings" (read: clutter)

Let's go outdoors.

I WANT-- no, DESIRE-- to go to the beach.

I want to travel out of the country-- but my passport! huhuhu. I haven't renewed it yet.

I want to lock myself in a pretty resort and write by the beach.

Let's go inward-- those little vanities (I'm not vain enough these days, sadly)

I NEED to get a haircut. But what I really want is a hair spa with a haircut. Or better yet, a hair rebond, hair spa, new color and a haircut.

I NEED to get a waxing session.

Let's do family.

I WANT to spend more time with my daughter. She's growing everyday, time is short.

I want to go somewhere beautiful with my mag-ama --- the beach! -- and just enjoy a relaxing, happy day with family.

I want to go on a second honeymoon with my husband-- and pretend we're still boyfriend and girlfriend.

I want to stay overnight at my parents' house.  And make the most of my stay there.

I  want to take my parents on a vacation they would truly enjoy.

Let's go to the mall!

I WANT to buy a new tray for my oven kasi kulang ang 2 trays kapag nagbebake ako.

I want to buy a new handmixer.

I want to buy that property right beside my mother-in-law's, that rundown apartment between Mommy's and Kuya's houses--- but wait, this is wishful thinking

Which leads me to wishes.

I WISH I had more money.
- To buy a lot of our own, and build a house of our own, right within our comfort zone-- meaning that lot between Mommy's and Kuya's houses (if only they are selling it! Please, sell it! You have no use for it! I know it will cost us a lot, to make this dream come true, and my husband probably wouldn't want to shell out too much because at the back of his mind he believes we don't need our own house and lot bought with hard-earned money, but... I'm going to wish that they would sell the property first. PLEASE SELL THE PROPERTY!)
- To make my parents comfortable for the rest of their lives, and not bleed from the additional money I'd have to shell out.
- To pay in full the lot property I've been paying for since 2016, and will still be paying for the next 3 years. (3 years na lang!!)
- To retire from my day job and start my own full-time business!
- To travel anywhere I want, whenever I want, and not mind how much it would cost me.
- To buy a car and not mind how much it would cost me.

All my other wishes... I'm still half-hearted about. Like being able to direct a first full-length film. Like going back to my filmmaking dream. Like moving up the corporate ladder (because it will give me a bigger salary!). Because I know there are trade-offs for these. But MONEY is concrete. MONEY = COMFORT. MONEY = FREEDOM, to do the things I want to do. MONEY = HAPPINESS. Because money na lang ang kulang.  I'm happy, thank You Lord, for a lot of things about my life. I'm counting blessings everyday. (Well... whenever I remember. But I SHOULD count everyday). My happy marriage. My mag-ama. My daughter. Blessings that are family, who support us in so many ways. A job that pays the bills and provides me fulfillment somehow, a job that matters in the grand scheme of things (at least in the world I am in). Good health (knock on wood, sana lagi lagi po Lord)-- not only mine, but my family's. Enough money to make life comfortable, to get by, to invest a little here and there.

Thank You, Lord. I hope you don't get mad at me for wishing for more... more money, that is.

If I had an extra 5 million pesos, I'd buy a self-liquidating property. Like a building or commercial property with spaces we can rent out.

Then the money that I would earn from that property, I'd use to finance a full-time business. I'd quit my job and focus on the business (pero bago ako mag-quit sa trabaho, dapat nakaipon na ako ng enough to live on for the next five years! All expenses should be covered!).

I can't be sure, maybe my confidence stems from not having enough knowledge, but at this point I think I have enough persistence and passion to be an entrepreneur.  At least those things, I know I have. Once I find the business that is promising and suits me, I'm going to embrace it. And do everything to make it grow.

So there.. so many things I want to do. So many things I wish I could have.

But back to reality. These are the things I need to do. Right now.
- prepare for a 2 pm meeting at work
- go to Cebuana to claim the small downpayment from a cookie client (overdue!)
- go to the bank to pay the monthly amortization for our lot property (overdue! huhu)
- give Philhealth a call to ask something about requirements we need to submit
- go to another bank to pay my accountant
- chaptering for the new show we are writing (Thank You Lord! they are now rolling! sana magtuluy-tuloy na)

Those TTDs, at the top of my head. I'm sure may nakalimutan ako. I'm sure may mga hahabol pa. At siginificant bulk of work ang kakailanganin for the first and last items.

Going back to wishes. How can I forget? I WISH I WOULD LOSE WEIGHT. Like, 30 pounds. HUHUHU. Wishful thinking.

And having a second baby? Yes, I'd like that. But my husband feels we are not financially prepared for it. And I'm halfhearted, too, because I don't know if I am prepared for another bundle of joy at this point. I don't know. Bahala na si Lord.

So on to the TTDs. Need to start ASAP to get a lot done.

Friday, October 20, 2017

learnings from the grind

Some of these I've known a long time but we all needs some reminding every once in a while.

+ Minsan sa kagustuhan mong maitawid ang isang logic detail sa plot, you come up with a solution that may seem ludicrous or unbelievable (when you look at the big picture), and you don't notice it, kasi naka-zoom in ka.  lesson: always check you solution with the big picture.

+ Male bidas, especially father figures or sources of words of wisdom, should not be emasculated by the females. They should have a voice na pinapakinggan, and they should be principled. )Well at least, yan ang standard sa audience na kine-cater namin)

+ Cause and effect. Tempting ang paggamit ng biglaang aksidente, o biglaang pagkikita out of nowhere. But everything that happens should be the effect of something that happened prior, or better yet, the effect of a character's decisions. And the character's decisions should ideally be coming from who they are-- emotional motivation.

+ Be unpredictable. We all know how the story would go. A character who does something unpredictable (pero yung convincing na magagawa nya) is an exciting character to follow.

+ Go emotional. Characters should be driven by emotional motivation. Sino ba talaga tong taong ito and why is she/he doing the things she does? What does she want to happen, what does she want to have? And what does she really need (most of the time, the character doesn't know what she "needs"). It's easier to go plot route or go the cerebral route, but we should always remind ourselves, what the character is really about-- is she a mother? is she longing for her real family? (Yeah, that's the stuff that the stories we sell are made of. family, family)

More  to come. For now, there's a feedback meeting at 430 and have a bunch of things to do before the meeting, cause I foresee a weekend of revising, revising revising.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

karambola weekend

realizations from last weekend:

* Nakikita ko ang full extent ng pagmamahal ko sa anak ko kapag nagkakasakit sya. (But don't tell her that, dahil baka magsakit-sakitan pag gusto nyang magpapansin kay Mama). I worry. I will move heaven and earth just to make sure she's comfortable, and will get better. Lumalabas ang pagiging spoiler ko. tsktsk. Nasa stage pa naman ako ngayon na I'm consciously trying to teach her how to be independent and do things on her own. Pero ibang kaso kapag may sakit siya. Kung kailangang kargahin, gagawin ko (and if you know just how big she already is, at 7 years old--- ulo ko na lang ang agwat ko sa kanya-- you'd know this ain't no easy task).

* I hate making pasyal when there's work to be done and I know I should be doing the work if I know what's good for me. Field trip kasi ng anak ko last Sunday. Hindi ko manejoy ang rare moment na ito with my husband and daughter dahil marami pang dapat isulat at Diyos ko, lagging behind. Sayang lang talaga ang araw, hindi ko na-maximize ang joy.

* Hugh Jackman is getting old, and in my eyes it's a tragedy. Nothing's more tragic than faded beauty. I guess my crush on him has gone past the honeymoon stage. No, Hugh, don't lose it. I wish I can stop time so that he'd look beautiful forever

* I can't enjoy blogging here as much as I normally would when there's work to be done. Just like right now.

Which brings me to my last realization before I go back to work..

* When ordinary ladies show signs that they find my husband attractive, sometimes I feel actually proud. Because this attractive man chose me. :-D Bwahaha. Haba ng hair ko no. Magpacute kayo dyan, ordinary (looking) ladies. I may be ordinary looking too, but I got the prize. Heheh. (Kung maganda ang magpacute sa asawa ko? Ibang usapan na yon)

So Hugh.. sorry. Hindi pala kita ganon kamahal. I admire you for all your other qualities, yes. Pero tanggalin mo yung kaguwapuhan... hindi na kita ganon ka-crush huhu.

And hubby, yes... I'm appreciating you more as time goes by. Kahit maubos pa ang buhok sa ulo mo, malamang pogi ka pa rin sa paningin ko. Now that's what you call love.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Lord, Let Us Do Our Best Work Today

You know the kind of exhaustion that I welcome? Yung tipong itutulog ko lang. Physical and mental exhaustion yung ganon. That's why kahit these days, pagod ako from work, I thank God every single time. Dahil yung pagod ko, tulog lang ang katapat, mawawala rin. Unlike, say, many months ago, kahit gaano kahabang tulog, pagod pa rin ako. Emotional exhaustion never really goes away hangga't nandoon ka sa sitwasyon na nakaka-drain sa iyo, emotionally.

So thank You so much, Lord. Thank You po for everything.

Last night I had wanted to write an entry. Just to remind myself in the future of what life is like for me, these days. I just came from a long day that began at 3pm and ended at around midnight. Three meetings for two different projects. I've had longer days, but last night I came home really tired.  Maraming hurdles na kailangang harapin sa current project namin ngayon, na hanggang ngayon paggising ko yun pa rin ang iniisip ko. Pero gusto kong maging positive. And I AM positive.

This is a challenge. And I want our team to surprise you.  We will surprise you. Gusto kong mahulog ka sa kinauupuan mo sa gulat.

Shet. Tall frickin order.

You know the usual demons that plague people in this kind of work. Am I good enough? Can I do this? Am I creative enough? I think I know myself enough, after 37 years, but you know what? I want to surprise EVEN me. I want to believe there is so much more to me. As a creator. As a skilled specialist. I just need to PUSH myself a bit more.

And yes, PRAY.

I haven't been praying as much these past few years. Except to say thank you. Ayoko na sanang bulabugin si Lord sa mga mundane concerns ko sa life. Alam ko naman na may plano Sya.

Pero this morning I woke up and a prayer just popped into my head-- Lord, please let us do our best work today.

Lord, please let us do our best work today. And tomorrow. And the many days after.

Us. That's a good sign, I think. I'm no longer thinking of just me. I'm thinking about the team. I pray for the team, that we may get past all these hurdles and just fly. Fly and surprise them all.

With God's help. Lord, alam ko po may plano na kayo. Pero I pray, anyway. Let us do our best work today.


My fantasy these days:

Our pilot script for the current soap project, approved by the council. And our boss saying, Congratulations, maganda. 

With pilot script done, schedule is relatively lighter than sched these past four months. So I have time for the things I love. My daughter – tutoring her, being with her, taking care of her, going out with her. My family in Marikina. My cats.  Baking. Cooking. Decorating cookies.

Time with family. Finally, a beach family vacation. Doesn’t matter if we’re in the middle of the rainy season—beach vacations this time of the year are cheaper!

Palawan. By myself. With friends.

Or Batangas, or Subic with family.

Boracay with friends. I wish I could go with a friend or friends who are not busy.  Reliving my 20ish years.  Then coming back to Manila, to work life, reenergized, reinvigorated, ready to fight and work for a living again.

My other fantasy:

A writer-friend's entry to Cinemalaya getting into the finalist category. And me, directing it.

Directing my first feature film. And coming up with a good one. (di pa ako mangangahas mangarap na manalo, at least makagawa ng magandang pelikula, yung magagamit kong business card as a director, sapat na sa ngayon)

Me, making the shift to directing for TV.  And succeeding. Being away from home on taping days. (Hmm. I don’t know. right now I’m not sure if that’s what I really want for a life. Always being out there, taping. I don’t know, Lord. Kayo na po ang bahala)

My other other fantasy:

Having enough money to quit my job. And start a business.

Pag-aalaga sa business full-time. And earning lots from it. getting rich from it. might take a few years para makabawi. But I’d have 1.5 million excess money to spend for the upkeep hanggang sa makabawi nang todo.  

Getting rich from this business. Doing the things I love to do while managing the business. Enjoying life. Going on trips abroad, without having to worry about budget, or time. Europe. Japan. America—taking my parents there to visit Tita Nene!

Sigh. Lord.. money po. yun po ang gusto ko. pero ang kailangan ko.. hindi ko po lam. I just want to enjoy this life and strike a healthy balance between making a living and truly living.

My other other other fantasy:

Losing weight. 20 pounds. I swear, matutuwa ako nang todo.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Breaking the Habit

Dear Audrey,

These past few days I've been trying to kick out a very bad habit. Hindi lang sya isang habit anak, but a complex system of habits brought about by a certain mindset. You see, I have always had a problem with meeting work deadlines. Mahirap magsulat ng script, kumakain talaga sya ng oras, and I have always wanted to submit work that is presentable enough, pero sa trabahong ito, and the field I am in, DEADLINES really MATTER. Because we are all part of a team, at pag na-late sa delivery ang isang trabahador, magkakaroon ng domino effect sa buong team.

I wish you would not grow up inheriting my chronic tardiness. Na-realize ko, ang susi doon ay disiplina. Disiplina, thinking ahead, and focus. And change the mindset ("Oh shit, I don't think I can make that deadline, mabagal talaga ako").

So what I try to do is set a calendar for myself. Kung 1 week from now ang deadline, I set minigoals. Kung makakasubmit ako ng trabaho by Day 7, dapat by Day 3, nakatapos na ako ng certain amount of work (I specify- sequence treatment ba? Day 3 of 7 script days? etc). There should be a goal set for every single day, para pag behind ako sa schedule, alam ko kung paano hahabol o mag-compensate.  PLAN AHEAD, SET MINI-GOALS AND MEET THEM.

I have read somewhere, too, that the best time to work is upon waking up in the morning. It's when your mind is at its freshest, at its clearest, wala pang masyadong clutter. So I try na gayahin yung style nung iba-- pag work day, upon waking up, don't reach for my phone to check my social media or surf the net. Punta agad sa laptop and work. (Okay, I make coffee first. Can't live without it when I'm working!).  DO BRAINWORK DURING THE FIRST 3 HOURS UPON WAKE-UP TIME.

Ang isip ng tao, parang makina o computer lang din. The more info is in there, mas mabagal ang speed habang ginagawa ang dapat gawin. So habang nagwowork, I try not to social media, I try not to text or call, I try not to think of anything else. Para bawas clutter. There should only be one "tab" open in my mind at the moment--- the WORK-TO-BE-DONE tab. (How am I doing with this? May konting improvement naman! Still working on it!).  FOCUS, DECLUTTER YOUR BRAIN.

So dahil mabagal talaga ang processing ng utak ko (don't worry if naman mo sa akin ito, anak--- mabagal doesn't mean bobo at all), kailangan ko ng extra effort to focus and be DISCIPLINED. all these things, to be able to do them, require discipline. Kasi ang natural instinct natin ay gawin kung ano yung masarap, kung ano yung kumportable at nakasanayan at magpapasaya sa atin. I want to challenge myself to do the OPPOSITE. If instinct ko is to check my social media, I should ACT AGAINST IT AND DO THE OPPOSITE.  It's an exercise on discipline.

So why am I writing about this for you? Because I know you'll grow up and eventually have a career of your own (sa ngayon sabi mo, gusto mong maging engineer), and I know career success will probably be a source of happiness for you. I want you to be successful, if it will make you happy and fulfilled. And I hope you learn from my learnings as a career person, I hope you learn from my mistakes.

I realize na ang mga habits natin, nagsisimula mula pa pagkabata. Because they say that people who learned discipline, focus, and perseverance early in life tend to be more successful with their pursuits during adulthood. When it comes to work (and this may be applicable to other things), makakatulong sa iyo ang mga values na iyon. Magkakaroon ka ng working habits na healthy, at effective, and will help you put out your best work.

Nabasa ko itong article na ito and I was really inspired by it. I managed to submit on time these past two weeks dahil sa inspirasyong dala nito! I want to be UNSTOPPABLE!

P.S. When it comes to work, though, it's great if you deliver and you're able to achieve great results. Pero not at the expense of your own character. It's great to achieve your goals, pero kung in the process naman, you've been unkind, selfish, and inconsiderate, and insensitive of others, hindi maganda. Can you bask in your success knowing that on your way up, you have hurt others along the way? I hope not. STRIVE FOR EXCELLENCE, KINDNESS, SENSITIVITY AND CONSIDERATION OF OTHERS ARE MORE IMPORTANT.

So it's 3 PM and I have a meeting at 5 pm. You'll be arriving from school any moment now, kaya maabutan mo pa ako. If I am to get to the office by 5 PM, I really should be getting ready by now. #planahead

I love you my Audrey! See you very soon!

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Hello, 17-year-old Audreybear!

Yesterday, I read blog entries from 7 years ago to my 7 year old daughter. Entries about her, nung nasa tiyan ko pa sya, nung ipanganak ko siya, the first months of my life with her, etc. At nagulat ako, she was listening intently, even silent-reading along with me.

That reminded me of another purpose of this blog. Rarely na akong nagbablog ngayon because I've found other ways to share the things that matter to me (social media platforms - pictures do say a thousand words, literally), pero iba pa rin pala talaga yung Diary-style. Lalo na para sa anak ko. I've mentioned here before that I would want to chronicle her childhood here, but then nakakalimutan ko (puro ka Hugh, Mommy! kinalimutan mo na anak mo! :-D). maybe because family has become a happy comfy fixture in my life, and my daughter is one of those.  (pero yun nga, madalas akong magpost about her sa social media, eh nakakapagod kayang magsulat dito!)

So here I am again. Hello, Audrina! 10 years from now, I wish mabasa mo ito (on your own). Walang masyadong secrets si Mama (except for deep, dark one- na sana by the time mabasa mo ito, natanggal ko na yung yucky habit! para hindi mo gayahin!), puro ramblings lang, pero from now on I will really try my best to share what's up with you, how you're doing, etcetera.

Gosh, kakapagod magsulat! Galing ako sa revision ng script these past 5 days kaya pagod pa ako. huhuhu. Yan ang buhay ko anak, kapag nagkukulong ako sa kwarto. Sulat, sulat sulat, racing against a deadline, battling with myself.

Anyway, you're 7. You're very shy around strangers. Ayaw mo ng center of attention ka. On your 7th birthday, mangiyak ngiyak ka while everyone was singing "Happy Birthday" to you at nasa harapan ka nilang lahat. I wish you weren't this shy, pero I don't try to change you. I try to be conscious about accepting who you are. People differ from each other in personalities, some are natural introverts, some are extroverts, and you are one of those shy, introverted, sensitive ones. And that's perfectly fine. I love you just the same.

You're 7, and you love watching Pat and Gen on youtube. Pat and Gen have a youtube channel showing how they play Minecraft. I tried to regulate your Ipad activity to 2 hours every day, but lately we have agreed that you can only play the I Pad on weekdays and holidays. Kahapon on your first day without your usual Ipad habit, nagmamaktol ka, pero eventually, tumigil ka rin, kasi wa epek sa akin. Hehe. Alam mo naman na para din yun sa yo, like what I always tell you. Too much of anything is bad, and too much activity with gadgets can screw up with your IQ, even with your health.  Kids below 10 years old daw should have regulated gadget habits, kaya ayan.  May rule na tayong ganito. And knowing you, my obedient child, who has never had a problem with following rules, alam ko masasanay ka rin.

Obedience comes naturally to you. When you were much smaller, one of my rules is hindi ka pwedeng kumain ng hotdog, cured meat, di pwedeng uminom ng softdrinks. When I would be away, I've been told that your Lola A would offer your these things, but then you would refuse. Kasi sabi ni Mama, bawal. (I don't take this against your Lola A, I only have immense gratitude for her) But I was so proud of you. Such an obedient child, you were. And I STILL hope you are. (yun nga lang IPAD ang nagbubuyo sa yo towards breaking the 2-hour a day rule when I'm away!)

You're 7, and you're Top 4 in your 2nd Grade class. 92.84 ang general average mo. Of course I'm proud of you, marami-rami din kayo sa klase, but I was raised to be competitive by your Lola F, at kung hahayaan kong mangibabaw ang side ko na yun, I'd encourage you to aim for that top spot.  Because I know you can. Dahil partida pa yang 92.84 na yan, na hindi ka nago-all out sa pag-aaral, at madalas wala ako para matutukan ka, at naga-IPad ka pa on weekdays kaya nagmamadali ka lagi with school work.  My mother would tell me when I was in Grade 2 to aim for Top 1, to beat the "competition", to be the best because I was smart and special. Ayokong gawin yun sa iyo. Ayokong magaya ka sa akin :-D  There's nothing wrong with healthy competitiveness, but I want you to have the right core values.  I genuinely believe that you are so much more intelligent than your academic performance, but there are more important things than intelligence. Like pagiging masipag. Pagiging matiyaga. Yung hindi basta basta sumusuko. And of course, pagiging mabait at makatao.

So I don't compare you to other kids, I don't condition you to think of your performance in terms of that of others. Later in life, maybe after 10 years old, I'd encourage you to be competitive-- not with others, but with yourself. I want you to grow up strong in spirit. Matatag, hindi basta basta mabebreak ng mga problema at challenges sa buhay. Maituro ko lang sa iyo yun, mapalaki ka lang namin na ganon, I think you will be set for life.

Nahihiya ka nang binebaby ka sa harap ng mga kaklase mo. Ang dami mong kinakahiya at this point in your life! I don't know where the shyness and shame are coming from. There's always the fear in me that we might not be raising you right, or we are unconsciously damaging you.

May the Lord help us raise you to be healthy, emotionally stable, emotionally tough, kindhearted and happy.

You're 7, and when I bring up the topic of you having a baby brother or sister, you don't like it. I'm halfhearted about it too, because of the expenses that another baby would cost to our family. Pero anak, para din sana iyon sa yo. Kids with siblings are more socially well-adjusted.  Kids with siblings tend to be less selfish and self-centered. I was an only child for 15 years, and it's natural for only children to think only of themselves, dahil lahat ng atensyon nasa kanila at ang mga tao sa paligid nila lagi silang pinagbibigyan. I don't want you to grow up like me. I have said that twice within the same entry. Haha. Mama is not a terrible person, my parents are good parents with good intentions. But I want you to be so much better than me. I want you to learn from my mistakes and the unwitting mistakes of those who raised me.

Puro "I want", "I want" ito anak. I hope I'm not being too imposing on you. There's just a clear list of things in my mind on how I'd want to raise you.  I guess every well-meaning parent has that. So 10 years from now, sana, nagawa namin ng Papa mo ang responsibilidad namin sa iyo nang tama. Sana, 10 years from now, you'll be fine. Well-adjusted, with the right core values, with the right mindset about work and life and relationships, God-fearing, and most of all, HAPPY.

I want you to be happy, anak.  Happy, nang walang ibang inaagrabyado. The best kind of happiness is when you are happy making others happy. Pero you're not obligated to make everybody happy, are make others happy at the expense of your own. Yung sakto lang.

Ang haba. na nito. I know you always look forward to sleeping beside me at bedtime, something that is not possible when I'm working and have a deadline to meet. But tonight we will be together! We will watch your favorite DVDs, we will talk, we will cuddle, we will be Mama and Babygirl all evening til you fall asleep.

Ayan, next time na ulit, anak. Malamang in your teens dadaan tayo sa stage na hindi tayo magkakaintindihan, na you will be all secretive from me, and I might not be able to understand you most of the time, but I know it will just be a phase. At 17-- or 18, or 19-- you might say "I hate my Mama" in your worst moments, but just remember that I love you. Everything I do, I have your best interests at heart, with the purest of intentions. Because you're my child, and I'm your mother, and all mothers will want their children to be safe (we know kapag bad influence ang barkada or boylet!), healthy (kasama dito ang emotional health-- again, we can smell assholic boys when we meet them!), and happy.


Thursday, July 27, 2017

Freedom Day

Just want to document this day.  I'm done with my latest kalbaryo.


Salamat sa mga kaibigan, mga taong nakakaintindi sa pinagdadaanan ng isang abang trabahador na katulad ko. Marami po talagang salamat.

I want to celebrate this day. And the rest of my life. Between money and a stressful existence, I'd go for something in between. But ultimately, gusto ko ng mapera at stress-free na buhay.

Pero kung magpapaka-stress ako sa isang bagay, it has to be something I am passionate about. Hindi yung kailangan mong gawin, kahit mabigat ang loob mo. Stress over something you love doing, I would welcome with open arms. Dahil sulit lahat ng pagod mo. Handa kang harapin kahit ano, dahil mahal mo yung ginagawa mo.

Marami akong takeaways from this recent experience. Crafts-wise--  sobrang importante talaga ng character. The stories we make in the very long format, character is the most important. yun ang paghuhugutan ng lahat-- conflict, plot. It's a bible of sorts.

Character, and the characters' relationships to each other.

Conflict. hindi pwedeng happy lang ang mga buhay nila. hindi pwedeng walang bubog. Characters with bubog are the most interesting dramatic characters. Mahaba ang pwedeng takbuhin nyan.

When crafting plot, the more emotional the motivation of the character, the better. Usually, it's related to their bubog, or the people they love or hate, or their main objective at the moment.  That's why you have to know the character at his/her core. Doon mo lang mahuhugot ang mga susunod na gagawin nya.

Cause and effect. Everything that happens should be the effect of a character's decision. Events that happen out of nowhere makes a plotty story---and plotty ain't substantial.

so why are we telling this story? because there's this character or characters who will go through something that will change their lives forever. And we are there to witness their journey--- EMOTIONAL journey. We've been taught in college that characters don't have to have a change of heart all the time, yes. But in the place I am in now, because it's the long form, and this is mainstream tv, the protagonist ALWAYS has to have an emotional journey, from point a to point elsewhere. that's the reason why we are telling this story--- because of that emotional journey, which, hopefully, audiences will be able to relate to, or at least sympathize with, because it's a piece of this vast tapestry called human experience.

Twists. i used to love this during my very early days as a fiction writer. I always want my story with twists. I wanted to never, ever be predictable. in the long form, yes, twists make a story compelling. So I am going back to that mode. Ayaw na nila ng nahuhulaan nila. Alam na kasi nilang lahat yan. Bigyan mo sila ng shocker. O ng something that they didn't expect. It's not easy, pero if the opportunity presents itself, go. take it. GET. OUT. OF THAT FRICKIN' SAFE BOX.

Okay, so hindi naman lahat ito sa most recent experience ko lang natutunan. Some of these I'd known for years, in my journey as scribe for the boob tube. Pero marami dito, nareinforce ang value sa akin during my last project. Which makes the whole experience worth everything, somehow. May takeaway ako, kahit papano.

Last, but not least---

Kindness. It goes a long, long long way.

So.. thank you Lord. so much. dahil dito, napadasal po ako ulit sa inyo.
Maraming salamat po sa freedom. Now there's a new project coming. I'm raring to give it my best, and use the new things I've learned to make our material better.
I'm happy to be back with my true team.

Sunday, July 09, 2017

hugh. hugh. more hugh.

define geek: someone with an unnatural passion for something, someone, or whatever, so much so that that's all they ever talk about, and bores people to tears

so i'm a geek, about many things. i'm a hugh jackman geek, so shoot me.  hindi ko alam kung bakit.  siguro may pinagdadaanan. but seeing him, talking about him, brings me relief from life.  there's escapist joy in there, nearly every single time. just the sight of him, smiling and youthful, those kind happy eyes lighting up---  makes me happy.

pathetic, my husband says. (btw, if my hughgeekiness is a crime, husband is my most frequent victim. he has to listen to me go hugh this, and hugh that, because i'm his wife. heheh. and how's our marriage? we're fine--- as long as i quit comparing ours to hugh's unbelievably fairy tale like marriage to his wife.

malapit ko nang gawing santo si hugh. seriously!

bakit ang perfect mo? tao ka pa ba? lahat na ng talent nasa yo. ang guwapo mo. ang hot mo.

(okay, recently medyo nagkacatch up na ang years sa yo... which makes me really sad. as in LITERALLY sad, because i realize i'm infatuated with the physical you of, like, 5 years ago. may resistance ako sa reality, hugh. because that's your purpose in my life-- escape. aspiration. goals. fantasy. dreams)

and as if that isn't enough good stuff to put in one person... ang BAIT mo pa daw. nice guy, is what everyone calls you. and in this age where you'd find dirt on people on the net (if you know where to look), it's harder to hide things--- good and bad- about people. so i'm really inclined to believe na totoo ang chismis na mabait kang tao.

mabait na nga. wise pa. i read interviews of him and swear to G, MAY NAPULULOT ako. insights, man. how to deal with your ego ("once you start thinking- oh i'm good, i did this-- then that's where the problem begins.. because whatever you have didn't come from you.. you can't take full credit for something that was just given to you"-- okay, not the exact words, but something like that), how to become a good person (service to others, anger being an act of selfishness, treating everyone equally, especially those who are marginalized, being plain kind)-- basta, ewan ko kung biased lang ako. PERO JUSKOLORD may laman ang utak ni kuya.  intelligence is impressive, but the wisdom, the spirituality that is reflected in the things i see and hear of him... that's admirable.

mabait na. wise pa. matalino pa. talented pa. guwapo pa. hot pa. okay, ano pa??  huhuhu. hugh.  why you like that.

sya lang yata yung artista na mas naeenjoy ko pa yung real-life persona kesa sa onscreen personas nya. the hugh i see, in interviews and appearances, seems so... happy. happy, and sincere, and with this.. zest for everything. he seems like the opposite of me.  he's always smiling. always in a good mood. he's almost always accommodating to fans (nakakapagod yun bes, kahit di ko buhay yung ganun, naiimagine ko pa lang, pagod na ko).

he's just so wholesome as pie and flan and roast beef he's the kind of guy you wouldn't bring home to mom.. cause mom might fall in love with him.

at kung sa ibang kaso, IRL and elsewhere, wholesome squeaky clean types kinda bore me... not HUGH. huhu. i don't know why. kinulam mo ba ako? bakit love na love kita?? kelangan ko na bang magpapsychiatrist, bes? mas gusto ko pang panoorin ka kesa harapin ang deadlines (malamang).

now i realize why hugh is not boring even if he's just so... nice. cause he has sex appeal! he doesn't look harmless, which kinda balances out everything? i don't know. or maybe because i've gotten old, and i don't find intense tortured broken souls attractive anymore.

i want someone who will bring me home and make me his. who will share his life with me, sweep me off my feet, start a family with me. fall truly..madly.. deeply in love with me. and stay loyal to me for the rest of his life.

wait. i already found that someone. TSKTSK. ang tao talaga. kung anong meron sila, binabalewala. kung anong wala, hinahanap.

Lord, love ko po ang mga tao sa buhay ko. Love ko po talaga sila. Especially my husband and my daughter.  They are the two most important people in the world to me. Pero just let me have this alterlife in my head, Lord? just a little excitement and sugar-to-the-blood to spice up this existence. I appreciate everything and I'm grateful.  but I'm grateful for this thing you have given me, this spirit that reminds me na buhay pa naman ako, na kaya ko pang magdream, kaya ko pang ma-excite sa isang bagay o tao.

so yeah.. maybe it's that. i'm just addicted to addiction. gusto kong ma-high. paiba iba lang ang pangalan. o bagay. o hobby. but whatever gives me a high... i seize it. basta't walang masasaktan na iba. o maaabalang iba. o hindi ko masasaktan ang sarili ko.

so.. HUGH. sigh. he can play at least 2 instruments. he can sing. he can act. he can dance- OH SO WELL. i've never seen a man dance like that and can still be masculine.  and be 6 foot 3.

so MAY DEADLINE ako, as in asap, i've been tired from so many drafts paulit ulit at pabalik balik and with too little payoffs (morale-wise, money-wise). so si hugh lang ang bakasyon ko. hugh, and cigarettes. and coke zero.  i love my family. i love my daughter so much. but those little things in the survival kit, i need them for me. they are for my consumption, so that i can deal with life a bit easier. you can't consume the people you love.  love ain't that way.

so HUGH. maybe i don't love hugh. i love the image of hugh. i love what i see of hugh. in that sense, i consume him. pero syempre ibang usapan na pag yung totoong tao na.  kaya ang nasa survival kit ko lang, yung kaya kong ubusin hanggat kailangan ko sila.

SO HUGH. I LOVE YOU. or whatever it is i think is you.

para kong lasing. hahaha.

gusto kong gumawa ng isang blog entry. puro ganito lang--- "I WANT.." "I WISH..". sige, may idadagdag ako. "I'M GRATEFUL FOR..." and "I'M BLESSSED BECAUSE.." because there's the nagging little voice inside me that's scolding me for longing for stuff that i don't have, when there are so many blessings that I do have. oh my, may little voice na akong naririnig ngayon?? that's it.  to the nuthouse, beeyatchy. :-D

BACK TO WORK! that's what hugh would do!

P.S. -- did i mention that HUGH has been said to have amazing SELF-DISCIPLINE? oh my. yun na yata yung point na WORSHIP levels na ako sa kanya (joke lang po Lord. :-D) ngayon nalito na ako kung gusto ko ba si Hugh, o gusto ko bang MAGING si Hugh. Pwede bang both?

BALIW in bold letters.

HUGH would go back to work and finish the damn thing without taking a break so that he'd be finally free. Huhu. St. Hugh, pray for me.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

rare days

i know i should make the most of these rare days when i would be practically task-free. recharge. rebuild myself. rejuvenate. make up for busy days by spending more time with family.

but there's a cookie order, and it's due in 3 days. so.. i tried to juggle that with all the other things-to-do-when-the-things-to-do-are-done.

akala mo nakalimutan ko na si Papa Hugh. haha. he's part of the survival kit, that beautiful epitome of whatever it is that makes women like me believe in forever. just like that beautiful beach at the far end of the Pinas that I'd been dreaming about for quite some time now.

getaway. escape. happy thought.

something beautiful-- tao man, hayop, bagay-- should be well-tended, should be preserved. kaya nakakahinayang is Keanu. he has one of the most beautiful faces I've ever seen. pero hindi nya inalagaan. it wouldn't be vanity, to keep a beautiful face beautiful. maintaining that beauty would be a lot like preserving an art piece. it's not about the owner of that face anymore, dahil ang kahit anong maganda, subject to appreciation ng ibang tao. beauty uplifts, inspires, can even make people happy. so it's not about you anymore, Keanu dude. you did a disservice to all of us who appreciate that beautiful face of yours by letting it go.

kaya itong si Hugh kung pwede lang sanang i-preserve in an airtight bottle ang kagandahan. para hindi mag-age, magdeteriorate o maluma. can i stop time so that you'd be beautiful forever? yes, ganun ako ka-smitten sa perfection that is you. kung si Keanu, mukha. ikaw, holistic, beh.  from head to toe, inside and out. talent, intelligence, character. hinakot mo na lahat, pati puso ko.

Haha. Hi there, husband. okay lang naman sa yo, di ba? di ba? :-)

Monday, June 26, 2017

the one that got away

mas matagal kong nakarelasyon ang "misis" ko ngayon. december 2008 ko sya niligawan, 2009, kami na. hanggang sa tuluyan na akong nagpakasal sa kanya.

pero nang niligawan ko si "misis", i was reeling from a heartbreak. from a dream na medyo matagal ko ring minahal. i fell in love with it in 1998, nang nagshift ako ng kurso para ipursue sya nang seryoso. we've had our ups and downs, hanggang sa nung 2008, narealize kong hindi ako emotionally-equipped to pursue that "relationship". to still pursue it, after what happened in 2008, would have been hazardous probably, not only to me, but possibly to other people. i was afraid of my own passion for that "love". i was afraid it would blind me, like how it literally did, that fateful day in 2007. i was afraid it would drive me to cause pain to others, indirectly man or otherwise. i was afraid that it would bring out the worst in me.

so i let that love go, because at that time i had felt it was the right thing to do. if a relationship can bring out the worst in you, it's no longer going to be a healthy one. hindi ko makakalimutan ang sinabi sa akin ng isa sa mga earliest mentors namin -- the fact that you still wanted to continue with it, it means you haven't learned the lesson. and in a way, oo, tama sya.  walang growth sa pagkatao mo kung hindi mo marirealize ang mali mo.

it had been an accident. on my part, at least. it happened, but i did not want it to happen, i did not even notice it happening. mahirap mang paniwalaan. para akong kabayo na may takip sa mga gilid ng mata, too focused on getting what i wanted, hindi ko na napansin yung mga nangyayaring iba sa paligid ko. even yung nangyayari right before my very eyes.

pero dahil dun, may mga nasaktan. hindi physically, pero mas malalim. at alam ko dadalhin ko yun sa konsensya ko habambuhay. it's been 9 years,  i'm okay now. i don't know if the people na nasaktan are okay ngayon. sana.

takot na ako sa sobrang passion. takot na sa sobrang ambition. because if you care about something too much, it becomes your weakness. and it brings out the worst in you sometimes.

9 long years na since i "broke up" with the ex, pero you can't ignore those 10 years na minahal ko sya. yung old love ko na yon, gave me the most unforgettable highs i'd ever had in my 20s.

yung ginagawa mo ang isang bagay na you care so much about, wala kang nararamdamang gutom o  pagod o puyat.

yung napanood mo for the first time ang final outcome ng bagay na yun na you care so much about, and you feel horrible because you think it's not good enough.

yung araw na napanood ng iba for the first time yung "anak" mo, and they loved it. and you couldn't believe it, because you had thought it sucked.

then that wonderful year, when that "anak" of yours, borne from your love for this thing you want to commit your life to,  makes all that pagod and all that gastos and all those sacrifices worth it. it validated your worth, as a person, as a worker, as a young person dreaming of marrying this love of your life. it gave you so much hope, a lot of confidence, it made you believe that your dreams can come true.

but all that--validation, honors, awards, recognition-- may not have been the right reason why you wanted to commit to this one great love of yours. may allergy na ako sa ego ngayon. if you do things for your own ego... it's a selfish purpose.

kaya iniwan ko si ex bago pa man nya ako talagang pakasalan. and at that point i didn't even know if i was worthy enough para pakasalan nya ako. kaya sabi ko sa sarili ko, hanggat driven ako by the need for validation, para manalo ng award, para sumikat etc-- hindi ko sya babalikan. dahil hindi sya makakabuti sa akin.  o sa kahit sino.

alam ko marami namang nagtatrabaho for their own egos. pero kanya kanya tayo ng journey, and in mine, i got really burned. maybe it was God preventing me from making bigger mistakes in the future. maybe it was God telling me-- hindi ka pa ready para dyan.

but the passion i had for that one great love, hindi ko makakalimutan. i haven't felt passion that intense. that all-consuming. it may have brought out the worst in me. but it also brought out the best in me.

so now I'm "married" to my current career for 8 years.  and the passion has been running low. this has become a job.  a duty to carry out, so that i can the bills, save up for the future. i get fulfillment from it every now and then, but not enough to take me back to the passionate soul that i had been, 10 years ago.

stasis. cul de sacs. i'm grateful for everything. for the semblance of stability. for the money. for the comfort. but there's this feeling--- is this all there is? is this where life will end? i don't feel the drive to strive harder to climb up the corporate ladder. if i imagine myself in a higher position sa linyang ito, i don't get excited. i don't see the joy in it. i only see the responsibilities na kaakibat nun. and a whole lot of self-doubt.  it's not a dead end job. but why do i not see myself being driven enough to achieve more, to climb higher, to soar?

i was raised that way. Achiever ang tawag sa personality type na yon, according The Enyagram.  but i have lost that part of me.  either naburn ako nang sobra from that traumatic breakup 7 or 8 years ago. or i am not where i should be.

so i think about that old love a lot these days. not a lot, but more often than before. i wonder if magiging mas masaya ba, kung mabubuhay ba ang pagkatao ko, kung ligawan ko sya ulit.  i wouldn't know how or where to start. alam ko magiging malaking sugal, switching from one career to another. like practically starting over. but i wonder if the leap would be worth it.

mas madaling magdesisyon kung hindi ako breadwinner. kung wala akong mga bills. kung walang hinuhulugang lupa, walang maliit na anak. walang asawa at pamilya. i'd go for it. but there's a lot i might lose, if things don't work out.  the money. the stability.

whenever i feel like i suck at what i do now, i always wonder-- mas magiging mahusay ba ako as something else? whenever i would feel like i'm too tired to want to strive harder, too tired to keep getting better, i find myself wondering if i'd be more passionate.. doing something else?

kung babalikan ko man yung minahal ko noon.. iba na ang motivation. money na. at self-fulfillment. money would be easier if you love what you do. but then puro what-ifs and i wonders lang ako. dahil ang realidad ng buhay, the grass will always be greener on the other side of the fence. ang realidad, pwede kang mag-fail. pwedeng akala mo kaya mo, pero di mo pala kaya. o kung kakayanin mo nga, pero ang laki naman ng masasakripisyo sa personal life mo. less time for family. less time for your child, your husband.

kung kakayanin ko, will the money i would earn be all worth the sacrifices? siguro. gagawan ng paraan. pero bottom line, ang tanong-- kakayanin ko ba?

at this point, i cannot afford to do some trial and error. duwag ako. maraming responsibilidad. so maybe i will always be wondering. and hoping, praying na kung sakali mang para doon talaga ako, si Lord na ang gumawa ng paraan.

duwag talaga ako, noon pa man. fresh from resigning from my office job in 2004, i was offered to be an assistant director. tinanggihan ko, dahil natakot ako baka di ko kaya. lesson learned- SAY YES, THEN DO YOUR DAMN BEST PARA KAYANIN.

but then that was 2004. i was single. i wasn't the breadwinner. now is not like before.

so Lord, kung anuman ang plano nyo para sa akin, i leave everything to You. kung para ako dito, things will be as they are, and maybe my mindset will change. my passion will return. pero kung para ako sa The One that Got Away ko, alam ko kayo na ang gagawa ng paraan.