define geek: someone with an unnatural passion for something, someone, or whatever, so much so that that's all they ever talk about, and bores people to tears
so i'm a geek, about many things. i'm a hugh jackman geek, so shoot me. hindi ko alam kung bakit. siguro may pinagdadaanan. but seeing him, talking about him, brings me relief from life. there's escapist joy in there, nearly every single time. just the sight of him, smiling and youthful, those kind happy eyes lighting up--- makes me happy.
pathetic, my husband says. (btw, if my hughgeekiness is a crime, husband is my most frequent victim. he has to listen to me go hugh this, and hugh that, because i'm his wife. heheh. and how's our marriage? we're fine--- as long as i quit comparing ours to hugh's unbelievably fairy tale like marriage to his wife.
malapit ko nang gawing santo si hugh. seriously!
bakit ang perfect mo? tao ka pa ba? lahat na ng talent nasa yo. ang guwapo mo. ang hot mo.
(okay, recently medyo nagkacatch up na ang years sa yo... which makes me really sad. as in LITERALLY sad, because i realize i'm infatuated with the physical you of, like, 5 years ago. may resistance ako sa reality, hugh. because that's your purpose in my life-- escape. aspiration. goals. fantasy. dreams)
and as if that isn't enough good stuff to put in one person... ang BAIT mo pa daw. nice guy, is what everyone calls you. and in this age where you'd find dirt on people on the net (if you know where to look), it's harder to hide things--- good and bad- about people. so i'm really inclined to believe na totoo ang chismis na mabait kang tao.
mabait na nga. wise pa. i read interviews of him and swear to G, MAY NAPULULOT ako. insights, man. how to deal with your ego ("once you start thinking- oh i'm good, i did this-- then that's where the problem begins.. because whatever you have didn't come from you.. you can't take full credit for something that was just given to you"-- okay, not the exact words, but something like that), how to become a good person (service to others, anger being an act of selfishness, treating everyone equally, especially those who are marginalized, being plain kind)-- basta, ewan ko kung biased lang ako. PERO JUSKOLORD may laman ang utak ni kuya. intelligence is impressive, but the wisdom, the spirituality that is reflected in the things i see and hear of him... that's admirable.
mabait na. wise pa. matalino pa. talented pa. guwapo pa. hot pa. okay, ano pa?? huhuhu. hugh. why you like that.
sya lang yata yung artista na mas naeenjoy ko pa yung real-life persona kesa sa onscreen personas nya. the hugh i see, in interviews and appearances, seems so... happy. happy, and sincere, and with this.. zest for everything. he seems like the opposite of me. he's always smiling. always in a good mood. he's almost always accommodating to fans (nakakapagod yun bes, kahit di ko buhay yung ganun, naiimagine ko pa lang, pagod na ko).
he's just so wholesome as pie and flan and roast beef he's the kind of guy you wouldn't bring home to mom.. cause mom might fall in love with him.
at kung sa ibang kaso, IRL and elsewhere, wholesome squeaky clean types kinda bore me... not HUGH. huhu. i don't know why. kinulam mo ba ako? bakit love na love kita?? kelangan ko na bang magpapsychiatrist, bes? mas gusto ko pang panoorin ka kesa harapin ang deadlines (malamang).
now i realize why hugh is not boring even if he's just so... nice. cause he has sex appeal! he doesn't look harmless, which kinda balances out everything? i don't know. or maybe because i've gotten old, and i don't find intense tortured broken souls attractive anymore.
i want someone who will bring me home and make me his. who will share his life with me, sweep me off my feet, start a family with me. fall truly..madly.. deeply in love with me. and stay loyal to me for the rest of his life.
wait. i already found that someone. TSKTSK. ang tao talaga. kung anong meron sila, binabalewala. kung anong wala, hinahanap.
Lord, love ko po ang mga tao sa buhay ko. Love ko po talaga sila. Especially my husband and my daughter. They are the two most important people in the world to me. Pero just let me have this alterlife in my head, Lord? just a little excitement and sugar-to-the-blood to spice up this existence. I appreciate everything and I'm grateful. but I'm grateful for this thing you have given me, this spirit that reminds me na buhay pa naman ako, na kaya ko pang magdream, kaya ko pang ma-excite sa isang bagay o tao.
so yeah.. maybe it's that. i'm just addicted to addiction. gusto kong ma-high. paiba iba lang ang pangalan. o bagay. o hobby. but whatever gives me a high... i seize it. basta't walang masasaktan na iba. o maaabalang iba. o hindi ko masasaktan ang sarili ko.
so.. HUGH. sigh. he can play at least 2 instruments. he can sing. he can act. he can dance- OH SO WELL. i've never seen a man dance like that and can still be masculine. and be 6 foot 3.
so MAY DEADLINE ako, as in asap, i've been tired from so many drafts paulit ulit at pabalik balik and with too little payoffs (morale-wise, money-wise). so si hugh lang ang bakasyon ko. hugh, and cigarettes. and coke zero. i love my family. i love my daughter so much. but those little things in the survival kit, i need them for me. they are for my consumption, so that i can deal with life a bit easier. you can't consume the people you love. love ain't that way.
so HUGH. maybe i don't love hugh. i love the image of hugh. i love what i see of hugh. in that sense, i consume him. pero syempre ibang usapan na pag yung totoong tao na. kaya ang nasa survival kit ko lang, yung kaya kong ubusin hanggat kailangan ko sila.
SO HUGH. I LOVE YOU. or whatever it is i think is you.
para kong lasing. hahaha.
gusto kong gumawa ng isang blog entry. puro ganito lang--- "I WANT.." "I WISH..". sige, may idadagdag ako. "I'M GRATEFUL FOR..." and "I'M BLESSSED BECAUSE.." because there's the nagging little voice inside me that's scolding me for longing for stuff that i don't have, when there are so many blessings that I do have. oh my, may little voice na akong naririnig ngayon?? that's it. to the nuthouse, beeyatchy. :-D
BACK TO WORK! that's what hugh would do!
P.S. -- did i mention that HUGH has been said to have amazing SELF-DISCIPLINE? oh my. yun na yata yung point na WORSHIP levels na ako sa kanya (joke lang po Lord. :-D) ngayon nalito na ako kung gusto ko ba si Hugh, o gusto ko bang MAGING si Hugh. Pwede bang both?
BALIW in bold letters.
HUGH would go back to work and finish the damn thing without taking a break so that he'd be finally free. Huhu. St. Hugh, pray for me.