Thursday, August 30, 2007

rambbbblings

first time magpunta ni big brown baby bear sa tagaytay kahapon. haha. wala lang.

miss ko na tong oso kong to. next week ko na naman sya uli makikita.

hay. bakit may mga instances na parang napakahaba ng panahon.

* * *

miss ko na rin ang manok-pantubig kong blog-neighbor na si maryrose. buti ka pa, nakapag-cinemanila marathon. ang ganda ng blog entry mo for noringai, believe me, kahit ako naka-relate. i agree, when you're still in the middle of it you think magiging big deal ang araw na magiging totally immune ka na sa taong yon, pero when finally dumating na ang araw na yon, halos hindi mo na nga na-realize na dumating at lumipas na sya. parang wala lang.

and then, eventually, the next time you see him, you'll realize that's he's been reduced to Just Another. memories notwithstanding. ika nga ni joey albert, i remember the boy, but i don't remember the feeling anymore. hahaha.

alam mo bang nung huli kong nakita ang paborito kong bading na si FG, bineso nya ko? never pa nyang ginawa yun sa kin, ever, kaya just for the heck of it, i mentally noted the moment. haha. nakakaamoy din siguro talaga ang lola kung may malisya pa sa katawan ang kabeso nya o wala. kahit anong pagtatago ko noon, siguro it really just reeked out of me. instinctively, alam nya; i wouldn't have needed a ted to tell the secret. haha!

gusto kitang kwentuhan tungkol sa first days ni monj as the New Girl in School. haha. pero tsaka na lang pag nagkita tayo. Mean Girls ang role namin nina ted at dado.

* * *

actually, naging doubly happy ang pagbabalik-skwela because of our friend monj. kahit na nadagdagan na naman ang mga "I Have to Win" personalities sa klase. hahaha. monj, magdala ka naman ng masarap na baon sa school. tuyot kasi ang adobong binebenta ni teacher marilou sa canteen. argh!

after every class na lang, sumasakit ang ulo ko. not in a negative way. syempre negative yung fact na masakit sya pero i take it as a good sign. that there's just so much stuff to take in and remember, i'm afraid to let go of all that info. the headache must mean my brain is working extra hard to retain everything.

after every class din, lagi akong may pangamba. lagi akong intimidated. kasi gusto kong ma-put to practice lahat ng mga pinagsasabi ng teacher namin. lagi kaming tsina-challenge. na dapat ganito, dapat ganyan. na ang pagdidirek, hindi lang basta basta. kelangan malalim, kelangan pinag-isipan. pero dapat, effortless. at syempre wag kalimutan na hindi dapat magpakulong sa kahon.

para kong bumalik sa kinder, parang nabura lahat ng mga nagawa ko in the past five years at gusto kong magsimula uli on a fresh blank slate, to do things the way we've been taught, na syempre hindi naman talaga bible-truth but the theories sound sane and sensible and they just might work. parang birth pains. pero hindi ako ang nanay. corny mang pakinggan, pero para kong pinanganak at pinapalaki uli. traumatic daw ipanganak, sabi ni teacher. hindi ko na maalala pero i can imagine being taken out of your comfort zone into an entirely new, unfamiliar world. yung unang higop ng hangin, yung unang paghinga na hindi mo pa nagawa ever. it causes dis-ease (term din nya to, hehe), the kind of anxiety that would manifest in a, hmm, headache.

ayun. nagpseudo-psychoanalyze na ko ng sarili ko. kng bakit laging masakit ang ulo ko every tuesdays and saturdays.

ang nakakaaliw dyan, kung tuesdays and saturdays me klase ako, the next day i'd be working in a real movie shoot. and every now and then, each time may disparity ang kapaligiran ko at sa mga tinuturo sa amin sa loob ng classroom, parang naririnig ko si teacher sa loob ng utak ko.

example:
sabi ni direk pagkatapos panoorin ang na-shoot naming shot, "cool! this is very star wars."
sabi ni teacher sa loob ng utak ko: "try not to make films based on other films."

syempre, quiet lang ako, pero natututo akong maging mas kritikal, to look out for things that i shouldn't do when the time comes na ako na ang sasalang sa napakabigat at daunting na trabaho that is feature film directing. dati ganun ako nung nagsisimula pa lang ako sa mainstream movies. pero nawala na yun unti-unti, dahil unti unti ko ding na-realize na hindi naman kami binabayaran para maging kritiko o creative consultants ng direktor. kesa ma-frustrate ako at mawalan ng tiwala sa direktor at sa project, tinurn off ko na lang ang kung anumang switch sa loob that can drive us to be critical and/or creative. it was fairly easy.

pero ngayon gusto kong i-turn on yon uli. ewan ko lang kung magiging healthy yon para sa project ko ngayon. haha.

hay, sana sabado na!

sori, tao lang

less than a day of pahinga/paghinga.
and then, tomorrow, it's back to the grindhouse again. hahaha.

kahapon, isang tanong ko sa assistant director na ka-tandem ko sa Project Compost: "nagkaroon ka na ba ng pelikula kung san each and every shooting day ninyo, more than 24 hours kayong nagtatrabaho, at sa araw-araw na ginawa ng diyos eh laging may mabibigat na mga eksena?"

sagot nya: "meron. dito."

haha. somehow masaya ako nung malaman kong hindi lang pala ako ang first time na nakakaranas ng ganitong working conditions. kahit yung mga mas nauna pa sa kin sa industriya at quasi-senior na, first time ding mawindang nang ganito.

boiling point. na-realize kong hindi na ko nag-eenjoy. that i would no longer be looking forward to going to work every morning. kasi alam kong kinabukasan na naman ng umaga ang uwi ko. iniisip ko pa lang, nakakapagod na.

madugo kasi ang pelikula, per se. at kung tatanungin mo ang karamihan sa min, hindi humanly possible na matapos mo ang ganon kadugong pelikula in 21 days. pero dahil yun lang ang kaya ng budget, best effort ang mga utaw para ma-meet ang daily schedule. ang resulta, sagaran ang bawat shooting day. 6 am to 6 am lagi, every other day of the week. and it's been this way for 12 shooting days now.

ang resulta, pagod ang mga tao. wala na rin silang social life o oras para sa pamilya/loved ones, dahil kung anumang oras ang meron sila na hindi para sa trabaho, itutulog na lang nila. ang dreary. kasi tao lang yan, kahit gano pa nila kamahal ang ginagawa nila, kapag inatake na sila ng pagod at antok, bibigay at bibigay din ang katawan. siguro yon ang rason kung bakit hindi na ko nag-eenjoy. yung pagod na nararamdaman ko every shooting day, naa-outweigh na ang fulfillment na nararamdaman ko para sa trabaho ko.

ewan ko, dati naman may mga shoots din akong ganito. pero hindi naman kasi every single gawddang day eh 24 hours kami in labor. kadalasan alas-2 ng umaga na ang pinakamakatao. on the average, 1 am ang packup time, kung ang calltime mo eh 6 am the day before. buti na lang bagets pa ang lola nyo. kaya pa ng katawan ang chronic kangaragan nang hindi nagkakasakit (knock on wood). pero mega-laklak na rin ako ng centrum at vitamin c, just to be sure. kasi bawal magkasakit!

hindi lang naman sa Compost movie umiikot ang mundo e. kaya ako naiinis sa kanya ngayon, dahil parang ganon na ang lumalabas. napakademanding sa time. ang hirap pagsabayin ng ganito kademanding na trabaho with other thingies in my life. tulad ng skwela. at pamilya. at love life.

naiinis ako, kasi at this point ayokong umikot ang mundo ko sa iisang bagay o iisang project lang. naiinis ako, dahil nakatali ako, at may dalawang movie offers na gustong-gusto ko (si @dolf Alix, may Batanes movie! si J@de C@stro, may Star Cinema movie!) ang hindi ko matanggap dahil nakatali ako. malaking panghihinayang, na nakakadagdag sa negative feelings towards this current project, pero ganon talaga. you made a commitment, stick by it. and try to make the best of the situation.

kahit naman nabuburyo na ko sa project na to, na-realize kong malaki pa rin naman ang malasakit ko sa kanya. buti na lang, dahil may mahigit 15 days to go pa. kelangan kong magkaroon ng malasakit sa ginagawa ko para ma-survive ang 15 days na yon. sige. let's try to get by. matatapos din to.

Monday, August 20, 2007

bukas

hay, pagod.

my dreariest hours (usually, sa madaling araw, with a dozen scenes to go in our schedule), i wonder what i'm doing here. why i'm not doing what i really want to do. if there really is no choice but to work around the Dream.

alas-onse ng umaga kami napack-up the next day. 30 hours of work. isang araw na naman ang tila ayaw matapos-tapos, and finally, packup.

fuckup. not.
fresh na fresh ang mga estudyante at nag-oopisina pag nakakasulubong ko sila on the way home. ako, dugyot. wish ko talaga, next time na magpakadugyot ako para sa isang pelikula, sana yung pelikula, sarili ko na.

pagod. frustrated.
anong araw na ba? monday?
buti na lang merong bukas.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

special

still reeling from the 24 hour shoot of yesterday and early this morning. left with a bundle of things to do. procrasstinating on this cold stormy night.

have yet to put myself together. damn. i can't. not right now. the things-to-do are splinters in my brain. they won't leave me in peace. but i'm too afraid to face them. not looking forward to the dis-ease.

AHHHHHHH! i swear! just get them over with and move on, dangit.

i'm fully-booked for the rest of the week. shoot tomorrow, class on saturday, shoot on sunday. i would've been happy about being busy. but i'm tired. it seems as if i'm always tired these days.

here there and everywhere. yet what i really want in my worst moments, having to be up-and-about in any god-given shooting set (when the rest of the world is asleep in their homes), is to go grocery-shopping with someone i really, really love.

haha. you meet so many people everyday, old and new, the beautiful, the famous, the critically-acclaimed. heroes, extraordinary people, people you look up to, people you've crossed paths with at some point in your life. and yet nothing compares.

special. i wouldn't exchange a day with anyone with a day with you.

arghhhh. ayoko pang gawin ang mga dapat gawin. marami akong excuses, maraming delaying tactics. but duty comes first. so just get friggin on with it, beeyatch.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

moot and academic

it was unfair to react that way. cause i was reacting to something that's already moot and academic.

pero iba kasi ang kinukuwento sa nakikita e. mas harsh kasi ang biswal. madaling i-tone down ang isang kwento, but a picture can say a thousand words. so they say.

my mind tells me otherwise, my mind knows the truth. but still. kahit moot and academic na, masakit pa rin pala.

estudyante blues

ang sakit ng ulo kooooo.

day 2 ng pagba-back-to-school. excited ako nung first day, gusto kong ma-maintain yun. nakalimutan ko nang nakakapagod din palang mag-aral. kung nakakapagod magtrabaho (i.e. mag-output), ganun din pala ang mag-input/magpasok. info overload.

on the work side, may pinapapagawa pa saking pampasakit lalo ng ulo for tonight. asap. para maihabol sa 6am calltime bukas. hay. wala kong ganang kumain sa di ko maintindihang dahilan. gusto ko na lang humiga.

may bagong klasmeyt kaming hahabol next class, yung bespren kong si pokemonj. yehey. sobrang happy ako para sa kanya, kasi he wanted this. he really, really wanted this!

congrats monj! lookin forward to the next class with you!

Thursday, August 09, 2007

packup, fvckup...not!

packed up ang shoot namin bukas. immersed in lahar and rainwater ang clark, pampanga.

more time for kain-tulog. yey.

things to do for tomorrow:
1/ clean up the room
2/ go to the bank
3/ go to the parlor (parlor?! why not)
4/ finish those two articles on How To Enjoy a Certain Kind of Mind-Altering Substance (don't ask me how i got this raket..basta raket sya, period!)

and then, saturday.
sunday, sana packup din. wala lang. alam ko super evil na ko. pero kelangan kong ipa-reformat ang laptop ko.

after sunday, pwede na kaming mag-shoot uli. go na go na ko. pero this week, wa pa ko sa mood.

haha. parang me say ako sa mga bagay na yan, ano?!

kain-tulog for the day

7:12, thursday night.
itinulog at ikinain ko lang ang buong araw ko. saraaap.
ang sarap kasi ng panahon. parang gusto ko na namang itulog at ikain uli ang gabi.
lalo na't alam kong may matinding araw na naman na naghihintay sa kin bukas.

umulan nga nung nakaraang araw, between 12-1 am. actually, 8pm pa lang pabugso-bugso na sya. ang langit, parang babaeng brokenhearted. haha. mula sa konting pasinghot-singhot na pagluha, bigla na lang bubulalas ng hagulgol any moment. walang pasakalye, walang warning.

ang resulta, basang basa kami ng kasama kong nag-shopping dyan sa hi-top grocery near abs. kasi yung kasama ko hindi mahilig magdala ng payong. ako din hindi mahilig sa payong, pero ayoko rin namang magpakabasa sa ulan noh. pero ang kasama ko, iba ang trip. kahit matataba ang mga raindrops wa sya keber, may-i-lakad pa rin sya under the rain despite it all.

napaisip tuloy ako kung maselan ba kong tao. wala namang maselan sa pag-iingat magkasakit di ba? pasaway lang talaga ang kasama ko. pero masaya yun, dahil first time kong nakasama syang mag-grocery. haha.

packup ang shoot kinabukasan. masaya ko. bad ako, pero masaya ko. pero bukas kelangan na namang magback to work. hay.

prayer, prayer. lagi akong nagpe-pray. when in doubt, when in fear, when worrywart me strikes, tinatapatan ko na lang ng faith. kahit papano, i feel better. i feel secure.

in less than forty eight hours, back to school ako. excited, excited. di pa ko nakabili ng school supplies (at wala naman akong balak, hahaha), pero siguro makakaraos na rin ako with a pen and notebook on 1st day. excited talaga ko! ngayon ko lang mararanasan to uli in five years.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

cat photo series 1

i looove cats. they're such beautiful, graceful, laidback creatures. there's somethin bout the way they look---the almond eyes, the little mouth that forms a small "W" where it meets the whiskers, the gently sloping heart-shaped face, the fur-padded paws, the absolute symmetry of their features--that appeals to me, visually. i'm moved. i'm taken. i'm a slave to the beauty of cats.

whenever i meet an adorable cat and i have my camera with me, i take a snapshot. and here's what i've piled up in the My Pictures folder. every photo has a story, and every cat is a star.



This was my cat Monique. if there was a cat who was my One True Love it would've been Monique. She's my Ideal Cat in every way--the way she looked, the way she moved, her cool, quiet, reserved, prim and proper temperament. But she got away. Don't ask me why, long story. :-(

I met this Persian cat in a pet shop in SM North. She was free to mill about the shop like it was her house. She was absolutely as adorable in person as she looks in this photo. And she also costs a whopping P15,000. papers and all. sigh. wish you were mine, kitty kitty.

i met this cat on the set of a movie we were shooting recently. he was buff and gray, very masculine. i'm a fan of meaty felines. parang ang sarap yakapin! it was very dark so i had to shoot with the flashbulb on, but in person his eyes are a transluscent, prismatic gray.

more cat photos to come...soon!

evil prayer. mwahaha

i know we might suffer for it later, but evil me is hoping that the rain would pour tonight. more precisely, between 1 and 2 am.

here i am again, on low EQ. wanting to sate my immediate needs, not thinking of tomorrows.

things to do on this cloudy day:
1. prepare things for the shoot tomorrow (umulan ka...umulan ka!)
2. photocopy my trusty continuity monitor sheet
3. get a trim (good luck with this one)
4. buy toiletries (and gudda do this now)
5. meet up with the Big Brown Baby Bear at sm north

i'm going back to school on saturday. excited. if i could only do nothing else but this for the next twelve months, i would. but life dictates that i need to work.

my wish. more rackets to come. lots and lots and lots of them.

pray na lang ako. for now, time to do item #4.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

pampatawa

nakakatawa to. one of my friends posted his chikiting pics on mult1ply. two years ago, it would've been a blessing. kasi two years ago, i used to call this friend my frog princess (haha, go figure).

two years ago, he would've endeared himself to me a hundredfold. kasi sobrang kakaibang facet ng sarili nya ang makikita ko sa pictures. ika nga ng isang katrabaho nya, sobrang layo sa "suplado" image na ine-emanate nya when he's out there working. pero ngayon nakakatawa na lang. in a way na hindi pangri-ridicule, in a way na nakaka-endear pa rin, pero marami ako nakita ngayon na hindi ko siguro makikita if i had seen this two years ago.

like yung mga detalyeng tayo-tayo na lang ang makakapansin, na parang inside joke baga. how how the little boy's wrist was frozen in a pretty flip (kung meron lang akong sample photo, binilugan ko na ang detalyeng to), or how he would pose with one head daintily tilting to the side (haha), or how, erm, pretty-prim he would sit up for the camera, so unlike the usual malikot stance of little boys his age. little gems na baka nao-overread ko lang, details na malamang naman eh mapapansin ko din two years ago and would've broken my heart a dozen times over. haha.

at nang nakarating ako sa picture where he's blowing his toy torotot, muntik na kong humagalpak sa tawa, kasi may naisip akong pa-witty na green joke na di ko alam kung san nanggaling. hahaha.

in fairness sa friend ko, cute na sya nung bata pa, pilantik and head-tilting notwithstanding. siguro nga kung naging classmate ko sya noon crush ko na sya noon pa. haha.

i can't wait to forward these chikiting pics to his sanlaksang admirers na kakilala ko. hehe.

hay. parang wala akong trabaho ngayon ano?!

enjoy the sun, beeyatch

9 am. done with my third cigarette for the morning. got a shoot at 12 noon. still hung over from last night.

feeling grimy, literally. need another cup of coffee. currently wanting, wishing, hoping, praying. reluctant to leave the house for yet another ngaragan session with the once-favorite Direk.

Direk, ba't may additional shoot ka pa? extra P100,000 na naman ang isang araw sa total production cost. at wala ko sa mood magtrabaho. hehe. i'm sure ganon din ang iba nating kasama (haha. assumption). pero kung sa ikagaganda ba ng baby mo, sige. fine. argh.

coffee paaaaa.
wanting to sleep.
mabilis ang pacing ng buhay.
had to turn down two new projects the other day. sayang.
pero kung sa ikatutupad ba ng mga pangarap. sige. fine.

not looking forward to the compost movie's next shoot. too tired, too tired. i hate it when we shoot on two cameras. i have to run from one Assistant Cameraman to the next. just to note their technical trivialities. argh.

but work is work. and right now, i need it for the next 12 months.
may paycheck na raw uli. yey. di ko pa nakuha kasi nanood lang ako ng ratatutel.

maganda yung ratatutel. ang galing ng nagdrowing, kasi na-capture nya yung ganda ng paris. napadpad na ko dun once, gusto kong bumalik uli. lagi ko namang gusto bumalik uli.

hanggang alas-5 na naman kami bukas. feeling ko lang. need more coffee. need another cigarette. bad for the health, surgeon general says. but i'm sacrificing enough needs-for-the-immediate-present for the long term. ibibigay ko na muna to sa sarili ko.

at the same time, something tells me that i shouldn't invest too much in the concerns of the present, dahil marami pang mangyayari sa buhay ko. malawak masyado ang time and space para ikulong ko ang sarili sa mga saya lungkot at pangangamba ng present time.

love kita, love mo ko. but who knows about next year.
marami akong takot for the coming year ahead, mababago ang buhay sa pagbabalik skwela. pero ngayon lang to, dahil life will change drastically in the next twelve months. hopefully, for the better.

pagod ako ngayon. pero mahaba pa ang buhay. at malayo pa ang finish line.
kelangang kumita continually. and i'm praying that god will provide.

may mga bagay na wala sa kontrol natin. pero yung mga bagay na meron tayong kontrol, yun na lang ang karirin natin.

shouldn't worry about the future. kasi useless din. at tandaan, ang Laws of Attraction. we attract what vibes we give out.

kaya dapat, positive thinking.

hay. what a task.

wala namang rason para maging negative. masaya naman ang mga prospects ng buhay.
kaso yung realistic-pessimistic side ko, worrywart.
ano ba. sunny day na nga, natatakot ka pang baka me dumating na bagyo. tumigil ka. why can't you just enjoy the sun, b1tch.

hindi naman ako control freak. pero nate-tense ako sa mga bagay na wala akong kontrol. kahit dun sa mga bagay na may kontrol ako. natatakot akong biguin ako ng sarili ko.

changes are good. they test your flexibility, and ability to adapt. and in this case, they may open doors for you.

so what's to fear?

mas malaking pangamba ang nararamdaman ko sa One Year na papalapit, pero babalik at babalik ako sa yo.

sana, walang magbago. sana laging ganito. sana, lalo pang mas masaya. sana, time will be our ally.