Friday, February 26, 2010

oral

foodlust for the day: tinolang manok. i helped cook, and am proud of how delish it came out.

i just wish i could stop being so oral.

Cold Turkey DAY 7 and right now i'm tempted to puff on a stick. pwede bang kahit isa lang? just for me to remember how DISGUSTING it smells and how STINKING UGLY the smoke feels inside my lungs? para bumalik ang pandidiri ko? please pretty please?

thank GOD it's friday, but...

...i'm irritable because of the heat.

i'm counting blessings, yes, but i'm ANNOYED at so many things. annoyed that it's so friggin humid i can slice the air with a knife. annoyed that i can't have the money i want to have every month, annoyed that i'm not mayaman. annoyed that i can't have the wendy's meal that i've been wanting since one week ago, annoyed that decisions aren't easy to make. annoyed that i have to think of the freakin future always instead of plunging into what will bring me satisfaction now and tomorrow. annoyed that i'm not mayaman. oh, did i say that already?

nakakasilaw, oo. nakakasilaw, tama. lalo na sa mga panahong gusto mo na lang bilhin ang buong mundo. na napapagod ka nang maghintay, kahit iisang taon pa lang naman ang binuno mo. tsktsk. mali, alam ko. wag padala sa low EQ.

annoyed at certain people. na on any other day mato-tolerate ko pa. pero these days, with the heat snaking its way up my head, madali akong magshort circuit sa loob. nawawala ang pasensya. at ang inis ko, when normally madaling mawala, these days, nago-overstaying. tumatagal ng oras.

tolerance, tolerance. di ka rin naman perfect. there's a lot to tolerate about you as well.

AAAAAHHHH! ISANG (all expenses paid) BEACH VACATION NGA DIYAN!

* * *

di naman po ako nagrereklamo, lord. naglalabas lang ng init ng ulo. i'm grateful and will always be. it's just that sometimes the heat gets the best of me.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

hot summer tuesday

day 4 on the cold turkey program. kaya ko 'to, woohoo!

finished writing treatment of episode 4 of the koreanovela we're adapting. 3 more episodes to go. deadline tomorrow. kaya ko 'to, woohoo!

ang init. gusto kong pumunta ng beach. waaah. ang weather outside, maganda sa paningin...pero panget sa pakiramdam.

addicted to MyTown. hay. i'm always addicted to something. but the "something" always changes, really.

lock-in on thursday. sana naman hindi na ko ma-peer pressure na magyosi. at sana when i start scripting again this weekend, hindi na rin ako ma-tempt mag-yosi. kasi i've always associated yosi with scripting. or any kind of stressful work, for that matter. it was my way to deal with stress. kaya dapat baguhin yun. argh.

i've also come to associate yosi with surfing the net. and san mig coffee. kaya i've quit san mig coffee. but i have to adjust my mindset when it comes to surfing the net.

okay. so i'll stop talking about yosi now. the more i make myself aware of it, baka lalo lang akong ma-tempt.

back to work!

why HELLO, summer.

came in too early this year, eh. i suppose you haven't turned up the heat on max yet. sana wag na. mainit na as is.

* * *

i love summer for ripe juicy mangoes. and beaches. and that's just about it, i guess. and, yeah, for my birthday. i'm turning 30 in two months. wow. i've used up all my 20s. a significant part of it, i would've chosen to live differently, if my mind were the same as now.

pero okay lang. what had to happen happened. i wouldn't have the same mindset now if i hadn't gone through what i'd gone through in the past 29 years and 10 months. so THANK YOU, LORD. thank you with all my heart!

* * *

what's up with me lately. been having light work days. a good thing, since i need the extra rest for the next few months. a series i'd co-written for will be airing very soon. just wrapped up the thriller project (they're taping in an island paradise down south next week. gusto ko sanang sumama dahil SOBRANG GANDA ng lugar...kaso baka sumasagasa sa work). starting work on a new adaptation. sana umere na soon. sana, sana. because i feel GUILTY not working my ass off. i feel GUILTY resting when i can be making money. nasasayangan ako sa oras. HAY.

sana umere na ito within the next six weeks, max.

* * *

sana rin matapos na yung latest project namin sa avp. para makapag-shoot na naman ng bago. sana, sana. sana approved na sa kanila ang 2nd cut.

* * *

hay. walang kwentang entry ito. puro pera nasa utak ko. haha. i wish i could tell you about my latest quandary. nagkaroon ako bigla ng tatlong options. ang hirap pumili. ang hirap mag-decide. pero napag-isip-isipan ko na. i'd go for the long term. i'd go for the education. and yes, the loyalty. the utang na loob factor. but really, that's only 3rd among my reasons.

i'm learning how to swim in the open sea. i'd rather fledge in the open sea and learn to swim really, really well. kasi para yang new york. if i can make it there, i'd make it anywhere.

sana tama ako. i've had my share of wrong decisions in the past. sana naman, with god's guidance, tama ang naging desisyon ko this time. sana lord.

Friday, February 19, 2010

semi-cold turkey

today: half a stick (so far. ayoko nang dagdagan...please).
yesterday: half a stick.
wednesday: 1 stick.
tuesday: 2 sticks.
monday: half a stick.

disgusted. i want to maintain my disgust. because i want to quit. for good.
because i'm near quitting, i'm now into eating. big time. big ARGH. that problem i have to start solving. ASAP.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

nasusulasok na sa usok...

...pero on stressful or emotionally-charged moments, i puff on a stick. tulad ngayon. luckily for me, wala nang yosi dito.

kaya ko naman pala. but of course i wouldn't want to speak too soon.

naiinis lang ako. mamatay na mga hecklers na yan. at please, lumayo-layo sila mga potah sila kung ayaw nilang maghalo ang balat sa tinalupan.

naiinis ako sa mga pangyayaring ganyan. wala syang kwenta sa buhay ko. pwede bang i-abolish na yang mga ganyan? sino ba nakaisip nyan?

irrational me. ang sarap lang mag-rant. kahit wala sa rason. kahit puro emosyon. HOY! wag kayong maka-"hi"-"hi"! bubuhukan ko kayo. OKAY!!!

syempre, lalamig ako. in a while. and i will want to forget all about it. because there will always be hecklers around. and there will always be events like that. it all really boils down to one word. and that one word will get you through the next many many years. so long as it is justified. so long as it remains sacred.

* * *

YOSI COUNT.

today: 1 (so far. wala na kong interes dagdagan.)
yesterday: 4
friday: 6
thursday: 6
wednesday: 1
tuesday: 3

masyado pa ring marami ang 6. ayoko na talaga. nakakasulasok sa ilong ang usok. ang yosi, parang pokpok sa isang tarantadong customer. ako ang tarantadong customer. dahil pagkatapos kong hithitin, bahong-baho na ako. sa amoy na naiiwan sa kamay ko, sa hininga ko, sa hangin. kulang na lang isuka ko siya.

dapat by march, total wipeout na. totally clean lungs na.

* * *

angst night. gustong mag-angstfest. uy, valentine's pala tonight? napaaga ang celebration ko. dinner nang bonggang-bongga, kagabi with bosobear. my fat lovable valentine. my stressball. pisilin ko lang, natatanggal na ang stress. hehe.

angstfest saan? wala lang! nakakamiss lang mag-beeyatch mode. nasusulasok lang ako sa optimism at normalcy ng mga entries ko lately. pero ayoko nang sabayan ang paga-angst ng pagyoyosi. bad yun. baho pa.

actually wala akong dapat i-angst e. happy kid ako ngayon. except yung mga POTAENANG HECKLERS na yan na gusto kong itaboy ng walis tambo ko. mga BWISIT SILA! pero aside from that, happiness. i wish i could lose weight, yes. i wish i could be prettier than how i normally am these days. there are things that i still wish i had, wish i had more of, or less of, pero basically, thank you lord lang ang masasabi ko.

at help me lord. sa coming months ahead.

* * *

i dream of our own house. a pretty split-level unit with a backyard and a front lawn. a garage with a car in it. a doghouse in front. plants and flowers, well-tended, sa harapan.

i dream of our own full-furnished sala. with a huge flatscreen tv at the center. and those leather couches that you admire, each time we pass by SM's showrooms. and that lazy boy seat with the foot stool. i'd want that in our living room too.

i dream of these things, but you stop me. you cut me short, telling me to be realistic. dehins keri ng moolah. HELLO?! libre namang mangarap di ba?

pag nanalo ako sa lotto, i say, i'd buy a Gas Station franchise.
masyadong mahal yun, you say.
so? i say. nanalo naman ako sa lotto e.
natameme ka dun ano? haha.

* * *

kong hei fat choi. i saw those luscious ube hopias on tv again. how i want to just FLY to binondo and buy myself a dozen of those. i've always loved those hopias.

hindi na naman ako makakatulog nito.

* * *

my keanna is getting sweeter everyday. in the morning when she hears my bedroom open, she's on her toes, running to me. asking for food, yes, but at least she's sweet about it. HAHA.

i love my pussycat!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

hate moments like this.

when you're feeling all fat, got work to do, but have to go out for the evening.

one good thing. it's a beautiful day. love it when the sun starts to cool down at 4pm onwards.

another good thing. susan miller says that today is a red-letter day for signs like mine. by how, only god knows. but i'm hoping that miller hits it right in my case again this time.

another good thing. it's gonna be a fun evening. i know. just know. :-)

Friday, February 12, 2010

trust

binged on coffee crumble with bosobear tonight. kahit hindi gutom, naubos pa rin.

all of a sudden, i have to go back to a certain mode one or two weeks ago. ang hirap maghalukay ng emotions. kailangang painitin uli ang makina. napapayosi tuloy ako. tsk.

trust yourself, god says. at least, according to fb. haha. i want SO DANG MUCH to have a happy ending. kaya gusto kong painitin. gusto kong ibigay ang buong araw tomorrow para pagmuni-munian.

on the bright side, masaya naman ako na minor lang ang comments ng direktor sa thriller script namin. :-)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

couldn't be happier for the restful week...

..sana sulitin hanggang sunday.

monday's menu: sinigang na baka.
tuesday's menu: bulalo.
wednesday's menu: potato salad.

hmm. wonder what it'll be for thursday. maybe i should try depriving myself for a change. i shouldn't put on more weight than necessary. tsk.

new late-night addiction: prison break. done with season 2. can't wait to watch season 3 tomorrow.

Monday, February 08, 2010

3 hours til deadline

and 9 sequences to go. ito ang script na talagang ginapang ko. dahil nearly the whole time na sinusulat ko siya, sobrang sama ng pakiramdam ko. literally.

kaya itinulog ko muna. nag-pray ako. na bigyan ako ng energy ni god, kahit at least hanggang sa matapos ko itong script. it sucks already, but i just want to finish it. iyon na lang ang pangarap ko for the moment. matapos. o sige. matapos nang matino-tino.

so good luck to me.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

30 plus sequences

and i'm sleepy as a bosobear. it's the summer feel in the afternoon, the happy warm sun, the languid wind, the carbos in my lunch. and you. it's all because of you.

i can't wait to get back on my toes again. i wonder when that will be.

30 plus sequences on a 12 nn deadline tomorrow. and i'm not done warming up the oven. huy. magsulat ka na, beeyatch.

magsulat na tayo...tulungan mo ko. :-) at least pag natapos na to tomorrow, makakapag-relax na tayo by monday night. :-)

Saturday, February 06, 2010

sluggish saturday

sluggish all afternoon. locked-in for da show all night.

i wish i could stop eating. i wish i could stop smoking. i wish i could get the lethargy outta me and get on with work the entire night.

you are my gem. and everything i do or don't do will be for you from now on. sorry if i stray. sorry if i do the bad things. let's just hang on if that's what god wants.

this week i acknowledge the beginning of my life with you...

...and even if i don't want to, i just don't have the heart to get in the way of the natural progression of things.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

hopeful for february :-)

a little scared. crossing the road. crossing my fingers. uncertain, but praying and hoping that all will turn out well.

grateful. for work. for projects in progress. january has been somewhat busy. 1st two weeks were relaxed, then humataw sa second half. thank you lord. i need to keep the money coming, after the last show that aired.

sleepy. gusto ko nang matulog. it's 3 am, at may deadline mamayang gabi. may meeting pa ng hapon. good luck to me. sana magawa ko naman nang matino ang revisions. i pray that it would be as quick and easy as i wish it would be.

blew my top. over a packet of nescafe 3-in-1 coffee. tsk tsk. it keeps happening to me lately. short fuse me. i hope it's NOT biochemical.

addicted to prison break. yeah, two or three years late. lovette nonetheless. the bida looks yummy. my anti-type.

and there comes a day when this happens to you. three former crushes in the same room, at the same time, all smiling at you and showering you with attention. for ten full seconds. and you take it all in, the irony of it---and laugh to yourself at the inside joke, that they all have one thing in common--but at some point you think it's too much to take in. and you have to bail. with a flippant goodbye. way too much. the laughter is just spilling out of you. but moments like that become the highlight of your day.

hay. haay, haay.

the other day, almost the same thing happens. i was sitting in one place, and excrush 1 passes by. waves a hi. moments later, excrush2 goes up to me and taps me on the shoulder. even made small talk and patted me on the head (bata? haha. buti na lang lost cause na to. baka nga nagfi-feeling pa ngayon). then a little later, excrush 3 passes by, says hi with a wink. haha. irony, irony.

sorry bb, puro excrushes laman ng entry na to. at least EX is the operative syllable. haha.

the night has come, i realize
alas, i am a child no more.

nervous. scared. but hoping that all will turn out well. alam ng diyos ang makakabuti para sa ating lahat.