Thursday, July 28, 2005

(non-) heartbreak night

wow. i can't believe i'm home before 12 midnight on a work night. haha. almost feels like 9pm.

the heartbreak sunday elimination episode was taped today. for the first time since the first heartbreak elims, i didn't cry. not because i wasn't sad for the loveteam that was axed. i don't know. maybe because when a show goes from daily to weekly, from reality to drama, they become less familiar to you, you get less attached.

and i have this feeling that being eliminated from the show doesn't really mean the end for the loveteam that got the axe. they're both beautiful. especially the girl. and the boy has his own charming quirks. five years from now they will have blossomed. malay natin baka magtagpo uli sila. siguro by that time the boy would have fully realized how beautiful the girl actually is.

one of the most refreshing things about working in this show is meeting the cast. they're all sweethearts. everyone! remembering horrific experiences i've had with veteran (and semi-veteran) artistas in the past, makes me love this cast all the more.

i don't know. mahirap gawin ang reality show format (at madugo ang daily!) but it was when the kids were playing themselves that we really got to know them. and the drama happening amongst them (love triangles, selosan, unrequited love, falling in love, etc) was just so compelling because they were real. At least, from this perspective.

hohum. i don't know what's worse. pain or numbness. maybe you can tell me, waterfowl ;-)

when broken thoughts scrape the insides of your skull..sometimes it gets a bit too sad

just saw "d anothers" last night. funny in a bernal-esque kind of way (i mean joyce bernal, a patron saint of pop mainstream at a time when people try so hard to make "Art") --if you want a simple roll in the hay on a night out, you'd be better off seeing this movie. hahaha! can't believe i said that. i think "roll in the hay" means something that's somekinda unwholesome. ooh, inappropriate for a debutante.

sinong debutante?! ako?! haha. before i know it it's probably going to be, what, 10 years since i turned eighteen. sheesh. i hate that feeling. started to feel that on my 25th birthday. that you're not in your teens anymore. and one more wink and you're going to age closer to 30 than to 20. euww.

hey, pano ko napunta sa topic na yun? weird mind.

"d anothers" was written by a friend of mine, adolf. so you go watch it k. it's gonna be worth a little less than a short roll in the hay anyway. ah ah ah!

sometimes it gets a bit too sad that before you know it you're starting to cry. or maybe i have this--what's this kind of sickness?--glaucoma? my tear ducts are too hyper, maybe. i cry over dead kittens for gosh's sake...but then again i'm a big cat lover anyway. i think i was a cat at some point in eternity...once.

sometimes the most ironic things happen in the unfunniest of circumstances. oh let's not get into that. last night was a fun night out with people i really really love, people i really really care for. Friends. the come-rain-come-shine types who would take you for everything that you are, insanities and all. over emptied cups of coffee at mcdo philcoa last night i was emptying myself out to a friend who--thank god--would probably still take me in even if i grew another head. i don't know. i do know that he's such a nice person i wouldn't exchange him for all the flatron tvs and entertainment systems in the world. then again...hmm. erm, maybe not for all the pirated dvds in the world....? just want to stare into space. and think of lost tomorrows. or tomorrows that you wouldn't want to lose. or the ones that got away. or why there are friends whom you incomprehensibly love too much that sometimes they can make you cry. when there are people who have been a lot nicer to you. when there are people who wouldn't forget your birthdays, who would always be there if you needed extra help for your video shoots, who would just be so damn naturally kind but still you don't feel the kind of affection that you would feel for the occasionally-insensitive jerkytacky dude who didn't really exactly do so much that he would deserve such affection.

now i'm not talking romantically. that ain't in this beeyatch's dictionary, ain't been there for a long time. sometimes, really, i wish i could just stop lying to myself.

i wonder if this journey's going anywhere. i wonder if there's enough gas to get me going until i get to the concept--no, the reality--of a There.

you take care, dearie. got a feeling that one of these days those oh-so-casual moments in your company will all cease to become part of the present. got a feeling that when that act three comes, this oddball storybook tale of a frog princess who would spin a few flytrap-dreams would be good as gone. good riddance? who knows. maybe. maybe nothing is really existent. maybe even life is not that precious.

got a feeling that that would happen, because maybe it's gonna happen. everything has a shelf life, really. i've been here before. and that, too, expired on its own.

so it's gonna happen here, too. same difference, different sameness. the only difference between you and that person is that he isn't you. and that's a really big difference for me.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

dreams do come true (but not all)

This is the poster of independently-produced movie "Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros", written by my friend, Michiko Yamamoto. One of the best among the films that competed in the Cinemalaya Independent Film Festival! Caught it at the UP Cine Adarna last week and I wasn't let down by my expectations. What a movie.

Apart from the CCP and the UP Cine Adarna it hasn't been shown in public theaters, but odds are great that the public will have a chance to see it soon. Among the Cinemalaya films I've seen this was the one that stood out. Kudos to Mitch for another beautiful piece (she was the one who wrote the award-winning "Magnifico", by the way). To say that I'm inspired is an ultimate understatement--I now want soooo badly to make my first feature-length movie, it hurts to think about it. And I take comfort in the idealist's notion that dreams do come true.

Oh yes. Dreams do come true, you know. And if said aloud, you just might will them towards reality. The power of words---was that Norman Vincent Peale? Og Mandino? Oprah Winfrey? Or did Voltaire say it, too?

Dreams do come true, but not all. Especially when the dream doesn't make sense. Like wishing for a hostile host to invite you in. Like banging on a locked door with your head--granting that the house you're trying to get into does have a door. Mas masakit isipin na kahit pintuan wala...dahil hindi pwede talaga.

It does not take a Voltaire to tell you. All you really need to do is listen to your friends. Ever since it's been the same chorus from different people, at different times. Minsan gusto mo nang makinig, kasi pagod ka na rin.

This goes out to you, insensitive doorless house. I'll never tire of trying to know you, I'll never tire of aiming for friendship. But everything has a shelf life. And what tone I sensed in the last msg you sent me is sure going to hasten the expiry date on the can. But I won't deny that it somekinda hurt a lot.

wise men say, only fools rush in

Thanks to CF, I stumbled upon this interesting link -- i never thought textbook quotes could be so applicable to present life. Minsan kasi alam na natin but it might take a Voltaire to remind us. Haha. O kaya minsan naman, di applicable sa buhay mo pero nakakatuwang pag-isipan.

Check this out...

1. Work saves us from three great evils: boredom, vice and need.
Thank God I've never been actually bored in the past four months! But I plead guilty to smoking a tad more sticks than I usually would on workless days. :-P

2. The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.
My conclusion: if you want to get someone interested in you, keep him/her guessing. Everyone's a curious cat...and most people love mysteries.
It's one thing to know the principle, though. But to execute it is something short of an art for an open-book like yours truly. Haha!

3. It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
Amazing! For a classical guy Voltaire was quite liberal. Kung lahat lang ng lalake ganyan din mag-isip!

4. Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
A big OUCH for all the love songs ever written. Obviously hindi mahilig si Voltaire sa music...but then again, parang stupid naman din minsan ang konsepto ng love.

5. Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
Hmm...talaga? That makes me feel better. :-)

6. God created sex. Priests created marriage.
Haha! You gotta love this guy.

7. It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Hear, hear, GMA!

8. Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.
Anong nauna, manok o itlog? Bow ako sa taong unang nagtanong nyan. Wehehe.

9. Originality is nothing but judicious plagiarism.
Just as creativity is nothing but the capability to tweak what's already been done.

10. Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
I should have this one printed out and glued to my forehead!

11. A witty saying proves nothing.
True. Cause nothing can actually prove anything. Everything's a theory! Truth is a matter of whose perpective you're adapting! Sabay ginawa ni Lord ang itlog at manok!

Haha. I wonder if Voltaire did get to apply his theories to his personal life. With the extra time in my hands i might be able to look into that one of these days. Wahoo.

In a matter of an hour the first-ever drama episode of Qpids is going to air...i'm excited. Sana napull-through ang konsepto. :-)

Saturday, July 23, 2005

what's with nights that make me sad?

must be the after-rain feel to the air. or the reality of a future that won't keep promises. or quite simply, the stuff that i NEED to do that i'm still not doing anything about...yet.

procrastination. always been my sickness. or maybe it's fear. i don't know. i just know that when i get into something, i want to be in it with the best possible ammunition, do the best possible performance. so i take extra care. or worse, i set aside the challenge for later, when i'm "ready". i go on with my life and its more mundane concerns. i buy time.

wrong way to face life, i know. while we're not campaigning for the padalos-dalos way of attacking things we're not approving of sitting on your decisions, either. haller. just like that short story (or stories?) you meant to actually finish but never got around to actually writing. you want SO badly to make it beautiful, you end up not doing it at all. and before you know it, you're 25 years old, and those fiction-writing days are long forgotten.

what a sad ending. i don't want that to happen to me again. so i'm going to get off this beanbag chair and just friggin' DO it. before the embers die. i was saving the work for the best time. but i'm realizing now--there IS no best time except the time i'm going to make for the work, and that time is now.

paksyet. i hate myself when i talk like this. when i go on tortured-soul mode. not healthy! but you just have to face what stuff you're trying to push aside. no other way around it but to go through it.


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

the emerging act three (it's cryptic shryptic night once again)

and act three is about to come. weeks will graduate to days and the end of this frog princess/fairy's tale will culminate into...what else, but videoke.

haha. pasensya na. i'm just talking to myself.

it was raining today. i love rain!

what's with rainy days and that face? what's with that face, period? the rain can do strange things to you, i swear. or enhance what strangeness there is to you. and there's a lot of that in me, i suppose.

i love rain as much as i hate invisible walls. you end up with a lot of bumps on the head, trying to get through. and it seems that no matter what i do, i can sense nothing that would invite me in. off limits. no trespassing. strangers not allowed.

what's worse than a house with a closed door?

a house with no doors at all.


Wednesday, July 13, 2005

seeing the seasons turn, turn, turn...

top 4 stuff to watch on dvd:
1. the first season of that much-heard-about drama series, THE OC
2. that controversial french(?) film of 2004, IRREVERSIBLE
3. the most elusive film at ACA VIDEO this year, MEMENTO
4. the much-gushed-about REQUIEM FOR A DREAM

thank god i have some time in my hands to watch those thingies. but i'm kinda sad, too, that the time i'd spend away from work would be time i'd spend away from the stuff that somekinda matter, as well.

like money. haha.

i'm kinda sad, too, that changes have led to the demise of some people from the show. sigh. people come and go. these are the people i've grown accustomed to seeing every single gawddang working day in the past few months. some of them i've come to see as friends. today the editing rooms seemed eeringly empty. i miss the daily hustle and bustle, the changing shifts and the click-clack of keyboards in the preview rooms. the silence will take a little getting used to.

wish i could get to see at least three of the cinemalaya films. and the short film blood bank. wish wish wish.

the show has taken almost a year from my life and god knows what it's pushed me to go through in the dreariest hours, but you gotta love it anyway. you can't wait for it to over and yet you somehow grow glum when you actually think of getting through the final episode. waaah.

well, for the next several weeks might as well make the most of it. and stop being such a sentimentalizing gook. cheer up you silly beeyatch, we have several more loventures ahead, still. so save the ta-ta's for later.

something tells me i'm going to the states next year. on business, most probably, but still. wish wish wish!

on a blither note, i'm pleased about the show's new format. from this perspective it's a happy change--goodbye time codes! goodbye bloody dreary hours in the polar regions! goodbye transcriptions! and yezzzz, hello to bright possibilities of a social life (haha as if...)!

what will you be doing one year from now, my dear exupery? now i'm realizing that the day would come when a lot would be missed. everything has a shelf life. quasi-friendships included.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

and it's back to the womb (or let's play siskel and ebert for a minute)

i have this grave tendency to repeat myself and i hate it. did i say i have a grave tendency to repeat myself?

for the first time in weeks, i got to see a movie. i came in with raised expectations--been hearing a lot of good feedback from fellow moviefreaks i know about the caped crusader's latest caper. i came out not all too disappointed. for a hollywood flick, it holds water. who's this christopher nolan guy anyway?!

have heard the name but i can't really attach a film credit to it. whoever he is, batman begins was by far one of the best batman flicks i've seen since the very first tim burton goth in '88. nothing beats the look and feel of burton's version of gotham city. he's a true visualizer.

it was a pleasant surprise to see katie holmes onscreen again, though.

here's to every July 12 of your life

well duh. could i be any hazier than in the previous entry?
i'm actually happy. cause for a change i'm not working. hahaha. thank you lord for answering my mother's prayers. now if momma would only pray for one thing that i'm praying she'd pray for, maybe i'd be happier by another notch. a notch and hundred more.

there i go again. hazy daisy ain't we.

it's july. let's play a game. what were you doing this day last year? can you remember? when it comes to looking back, my memory never fails me. i look back so much i should've been born with my eyes at the back of my head. one year ago i was almost graduating from my first feature film production as trainee script continuity. and sooooo looking forward to the end of that harrowing experience (nothing like the feeling of being an arbitrary appendage in the team to make you want to detach yourself from everything else) that's one of those memories that i wouldn't want to dwell on.

what was i doing this day, two years ago? ooh. i had my own desk. my very own space in the world. i was an office-girl who'd find escape from those gray office walls by smoking a cigarette through the conference room window every five pee-em everyday. and semi-in love (as always) with an unconventional cutie one floor below. i found sleeping quarters every workday in a boarding house s stone's throw away from the office. and every night i would lull myself to sleep with the cutie's little riffraffs on my walkman.

(footnote: the "cutie" is no longer a cutie in this beeyatch's dictionary--funny what i actually saw in him back then, physically)

now the unconventional cutie is married with kids, and i haven't seen him in quite a while--except when i would chance upon his chewing gum commercial on tv. the last time i saw him (at the cafeteria, some two weeks ago) i greeted him by singing the commercial jingle. his reaction to my greeting further convinced me that this guy had most probably known all along. aw she-et. i had tried so hard to hide my little "schoolgirl thingie" for him back then pero halata rin naman pala.
i was the worst actress of 2003!

three years ago on july 12, i was two weeks old on the office job. fresh out of college. i went on to last for over a year and quarter on that job--the longest job i'd held on to in my young working existence.

which brings me back to a very relevant topic: why do i keep falling for the wrongest choices? i will always go back to that eternal question for as long as i never learn.

"never learn", haha.
four years ago on july 12, well--surprise, surprise--i was reeling from a semi-heartbreak. for someone who's never been in a real soul-to-soul relationship i probably hold a world record for the most number of heartbreaks (duh, so "heartbreak" might be entirely subjective...take comfort in that fact, frog princess you ain't seen the worst yet). and i was juggling a broken heart with preproduction work on my first film. nothing else was more important to me than my first film at that time. but the person who "broke" my heart really came a close second.

(footnote: the "person" mentioned above, by the way, is also married now--dang what's with these people?)

the last time that i got in touch with him--the first time since three years ago, as well--was last week. twas about business, of course--as if i would even want or hope for anything else, ayt. but then it was still amusing to note: four years ago my cellphone was my umbilical cord to this person. it served that main function.
que horror.

six years ago on july 12 i was probably in broadcomm class, listening to the fat prof droning on and on about broadcasting blah-blahs. just my luck that i was classed in with an entire broadcomm block (who seemed to be pretty exclusive, no doubt). my luck as well that i got to sit right next to that fresh-faced boy-next-door type one time and realized that he could actually be the love of my life in another time and place. haha.

i sat there with that thought in mind. i could sense his discomfort throughout that hour-and-a-half class--discomfort over my discomfort, probably?--and it was a moment that i probably will never forget. that moment of discomfort. it was the first sign.

after that semester i quickly forgot him. people walk in and out of your life. how many forgettable people have i been in the same class with at one time or another? but on july 12 five years ago i was in the same class with him again. sans his blockmate clique. haha. talk about serendipity...but not quite. i will always go back to that moment of discomfort. it was a revelation, a dead giveaway.

wouldn't you know, though. this is such a small world. today is july 12. and guess who i'm going to sit next to tomorrow.

i wonder what i'm going to be july 12 of next year. maybe i wouldn't be writing on this blog anymore. maybe i'd be making a feature length indie movie. or traveling to the states. maybe i'd be earning more money than i ever did. or meeting the love of my life. and maybe, boy-next-door would be relegated to being just another name in my cellphone directory. just as i would be to him.

but one thing for sure: this one wouldn't end up married. haha. as if that would make me feel better, ayt.

for all i know, one subconscious-driven reason that i bookmarked july 12 is that it would be the date of my death, fifty, forty, thirty years from now. leslie cheung never really knew the date of his death, did he.

ooh. how morbid shmorbid.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

bohol postscript

last night someone told me in jest," never learn". if he only knew how accurate he was.
i never learn. because i refuse to. i'm fine enough with things, really. happy enough with the status quo. to rock the boat would be jeopardizing what trust that has been built. i'm happy enough.

wag ko lang sanang marinig ang kantang "happy together" today. i don't want to resent other people for falling in love. no. been in that path before and i didn't like the person that i turned out to be. pero sana lang, please, sana wag na lang.

hongkong, bohol, and a fairy tale come true

Hongkong last week (first flight in, last flight out), Bohol this week (overnight). Was it yesterday when the show actually aired? When I celebrated my 25th birthday? Time has always been my sneaky little foe.

Got to see the place where Leslie Cheung swan-dove to his death two years ago. I wanted to kiss the pavement. Haha. Bought an original DVD of my fave Wong Kar-Wai movie starring him--Days of Being Wild.

Last night I was on a boardwalk by the Bohol waters, watching a lone lamplit banca sailing through the black sea. An occasional lightning would slice through the sky I felt like I was looking at a scene from a movie that I would want to make someday. Haha. Or, more accurately, a Jerry Bruckheimer OBB logo.

All that running around (the streets of Hongkong, the landmarks of Bohol--we were a bunch of backpackers with videocameras and a group of lovestruck teenyboppers) didn't keep me from savoring the sights and sounds of Bohol and HK. This is thrilling stuff. Hongkong has been immortalized to me in the movies of Wong-Kar Wai and being in that city alone (no matter how brief) brings back those images in the subtitled films I've fallen in love with. The Kowloon side was strong in local color--Chinese kung Chinese, from flea markets to streetshops--but the Hongkong side (where Leslie Cheung died, by the way) was a classier version of the Makati business district. Bohol, on the other hand, was very rural Pinoy. Nothing beats a seaside locale for me. Looking at the water last night, I almost wanted to jump. Gave me a high...or was it just the Boholano brewed coffee?

Maybe "high" is not the adjective to use. I was actually calmed. And content. So the waters reek of crude oil and muck but it was still the sea. Straight from God's hands. Heals the wears and tears in my spirit. Which this dimly-lit lightbulb would probably need right now. Came back a bit recharged, but the bulb has been going on low for too long to actually recover.

So Jill and Alwyn are already an item offscreen. Heard from the grapevine last night. At least the show has lived up to its title. And our matchmaking style worked. Would have been kilig, but I realized that the story after the "happily ever after" kills off my interest. The thrill ends with the happy ending. Wala nang challenge e. I'm still hoping, though, that the Jillwyn romance survives the show.

If I were an automaton life wouldn't have been complicated. I wouldn't have emotions to deal with. But God didn't make me that way. He gave me feelings. He didn't bring me into the world with a list of task specifications. I was left to figure out the purpose of my existence. Vulnerable to my own emotions.

Life would have been easier as a machine, but then I wouldn't know how happy it is to be with someone i really, really love. That's something I wouldn't want to give up for the ability to not get hurt.