Wednesday, December 29, 2010

these days, happiness is...

...watching prison break with my bosobear
...seeing my baby girl smiling up at me
..."talking" to my baby girl and her "talking" back to me
...shopping at the ukay-ukay with bosobear for bedroom comforters
...seeing my baby girl play with her new baby gym
...a cigarette in the middle of the day
...energizing coffee in the morning
...work-free holidays at home with my family
...holiday vacations in marikina with my parents and relatives
...paycheck
...singing "i wanna be a billionaire...so freakin bad..."
...saving up enough for a gazillion things
...a good hair day
...a job well done
...beating the deadline
...a kiss and a hug

Thursday, December 23, 2010

home for christmas!

here in marikina with our baby aysie. tomorrow the hubby will arrive to join us for noche buena. grabe ang paskong to, daming gastos...pero all in the spirit of christmas, sige na nga...basta para sa pamilya, go na...next year na lang ako babawi.

cheers, papa jesus! happy birthday!

hoping for an equally happy (if not happier) 2011!

Friday, December 10, 2010

happy ako...dahil tapos na ang deadline!

and suddenly i want to do so many things, having finished 2 scripts 6 hours before deadline (haha, proud ako?)!

i want to finish my christmas shopping. get a leg and underarm wax. giftwrap. breastfeed my baby. go to marikina and take care of my keanna. all these, i pray, i can do over the weekend. ;-0

last tuesday i went to a meeting feeling giddy, for the first time in years. wearing a happy-to-be-here smile, optimistic about life, raring to give everything my best shot. on that table were two of the best writers in our unit, and i was almost in awe...most of the time i'd only get to be in a meeting with either one of them. and now i'm going to work with both of them in this project.

salamat po, lord, for the new blessing...sana lang po wag akong biglain...pero tulad nga po ng sabi ko, kung bibiglain ako, sana ulungan nyo po akong kayanin. sana, two to three (or four) months from now, hindi na ko matatakot, dahil kaya ko na. basta kayo na lang ang bahala, lord. in your own time, at your own pace, i place my life in your hands.

gusto ko nang ibreastfeed ang anak ko. dahil sa deadline buong araw ko sya hindi napadede ngayon. ayoko namang hindi na nya ko makilala dahil sa trabaho ko. wag naman sana, lord. love na love ko ang anak ko! nakakagigil sya!

i'm thinking of buying a color tv for the family in marikina. i wonder if i should buy it this december. lord, ano po sa tingin nyo?

pasensya na po lord kung kahit sa kaliit-liitang bagay, iniistorbo ko kayo. i know you wouldn't mind, anyway. love you lord! :-)

Thursday, December 02, 2010

it's beginning to smell a lot like christmas...

..or not. i used to be so good at being able to tell by the smell of the air. but that was when i was still living in marikina. and that's because i'd lived there all my life, kaya alam ko ang pagbabago-bago ng simoy ng hangin sa suburbia. pero ngayon, living at the cusp of urban malabon, medyo mahirap malaman. it's my first time to spend christmas away from the home i grew up in. ibang-iba ang pasko na to, dahil sa mga pagbabago sa buhay ko. first christmas with a new baby. first christmas being married. lots of firsts.

two scripts to go for the soap we're writing. it was seven months in the making but strangely, parang ambilis ng mga pangyayari. i didn't even climax, figuratively speaking. mas mahirap pang manganak kesa gawin ang soap na to, for a multitude of reasons (lots of time, one or two scripts per writing session, the fact that it's an adaptation), pero it's gonna be biiiig. ramdam ko. and i really hope that it would prosper on 2011.

excited for 2011. change is good, i should always remind myself. like most people i'm afraid of change, but really, it is good. it will be good for me in so many ways. i anticipate a little pain that goes along with the transition, pero lahat naman ng growth spurts may pain that would go along with it. and yes, i expect a growth spurt from me. nothing less. walang ibang choice kundi maggrow, at maggrow nang mabilis. or else!

afraid. pero happy and thankful. and praying so hard, so fervently, that he would be my guide, and my ultimate mentor. dahil para ito sa ikauunlad ng buhay. para ito sa pamilya ko. and most of all, para sa anak ko. cliche as it may sound, gusto mong mabigyan namin sya ng magandang buhay. i just realized na iyon na ang misyon ko sa buhay. masayang childhood, magandang edukasyon, maginhawang buhay para sa anak ko.

and to get all that, i have to move up. be better. learn more.

overall, grateful and content, lord. thank you po. happy birthday to you in advance. love you po! mwah!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

memories of tita baby

sad last night, remembering my aunt who passed away. it hasn't been a month, and we still feel her absence, the cold realization that we will never see her again. it still hasn't really sunk in til now, lagi pa rin akong naninibago, hindi makapaniwala. she was always there. always been there, especially for my mother. and i couldn't bear hearing my mother sobbing on the phone. gusto ko ring umiyak, pero pag umiyak kaming sabay, baka lalo lang syang malungkot.

i miss you so much tita baby. i miss your honking outside our house whenever you'd pick up mama for a ride to lola emang's at san mateo. i miss seeing you seated in our sala, in your t-shirt and shorts and the car keys dangling in your hand. i miss kissing you hello. i miss your shrill happy voice. i miss you practical advices, your funny laugh, your banana cake, your presence.

nung bata ako, my earliest memory of you was whenever i'd be vacationing in san mateo, sa kwarto mo ako natutulog...tabi tayo...ikaw ang nanay ko pag nagbabakasyon ako kina lola. spoiled ako bilang bata noon pero takot ako sa yo, pero ikaw ang nagpapaligo sa kin. nung kasal mo, flower girl ako, may sumpong ako on the morning of your wedding day habang nagpapamakeup tayong dalawa, pero nagulat ako kasi di mo ko pinagalitan...siguro kasi naisip mo wedding day mo, bawal magalit kasi papanget. haha.

minsan pumunta tayo sa cubao, kumain tayo ng isang donut sa dunkin' donuts - new frontier, in-introduce mo ko sa flavor na bavarian filled. gusto ko pa ng isa pero nahihiya akong humingi, pero hanggang ngayon paborito ko pa rin yung bavarian filled. every pasko lagi mong sinusukat ng kamay mo ang paa ko, lagi kang nagbabalak na bilhan ako ng sapatos bilang regalo, hindi ko na maalala kung natuloy nga ba ang pagbili mo sa kin ng shoes. ah, natuloy sya, sinama mo kong magshopping ng sapatos ko, bilang bata ang gusto ko yung tsarol na makintab na may mga ribbon, sabi mo wag baduy yan. binili mo ako ng black leather schoolshoes, at kahit ayaw ko nung shoes di na ko umimik...ngayon narealize ko na ang wisdom behind your taste, kasi ngayon nababaduyan nga ako sa tsarol.

minsan sinama ka namin sa beach excursion with my ninong, papa and mama, dalaga ka pa noon, naalala ko kung paano ka mag-sunbathing sa beach habang kumakain ng fried chicken habang naglalaro ako sa buhanginan. nung kinagabihan, tumambay tayo sa kotse para matulog habang nagmamahjong sina mama, you taught me my first song--"nothing's gonna change my love for you". kinakanta mo yun and you were encouraging me to sing along, but i was too young to remember an entire song. pero sa tuwing maririnig ko yung kantang yon hanggang ngayon, naaalala kita.

nung highschool ako going through my awkward years, you always had a solution for every teen problem--pimples, growing boobs, hygiene. you even gave me my first pedicure. nung nagsisimula na kong magsulat sa mga magazines, you were so supportive of me that you photocopied all of my works in your office machine and compiled them all for me. you were so proud of me and i was so flattered, i didn't want to let you down.

andami pang memories tita...kulang ang mga pahina, dahil you were always part of our lives. you were in the periphery, yes, but you were always there for us, just a phonecall away. it hurts to realize na ngayon hindi na kita makikita.

ang dami ko pa namang gustong itanong sa yo. tungkol sa buhay may-asawa. alam na alam mo yan, kasi nagdaan ka din sa phase ng buhay ko ngayon. pagdating sa ganyan, sa budget, sa bahay, sa pangangasiwa ng buhay, ikaw ang idol ko.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

mommy diaries

magaling talaga ang diyos. he knows how to traffic our lives in ways that will ultimately do us all good.

tulad ngayon. work is light, and the soap we're cooking up isn't as stressful to do as the previous soap we'd done. one year ago, i would've been restless, listless, bored. but now i consider it a blessing. because i get to have more time for my baby. siguro okay na yung until after the christmas holidays. kasi baka naman masyado nang maburo ang utak ko pag extended vacation from busyness. nakakamiss din namang maging hectic ang buhay.

three months na si aysie. marunong na syang tumititig sa mga tao, na para bang nangsisino, nage-estima. marunong na rin syang ngumiti at will, kapag friendly face o familiar face ang nakatapat sa kanya. she can coo and make these delightful baby ga-ga sounds every now and then, and it never fails to make me laugh. every day she's looking more and more like her father at nagpapasalamat naman ako..dahil para sa kin guwapo naman ang mister ko. haha. (sana lang wag maging KC case ito...yung parang babaeng gabby).

on the nega side, nakaka-6 or 7k na yata kami sa vaccines at pedia visits nya. and there's more to come. soon kailangan na rin syang pabinyagan...magfifirst birthday na rin siya...eventually mag-aaral na rin sya...walang katapusan ang gastos. kaya naisip ko, we can never really save enough. kailangan walang katapusan din ang pag-iipon dahil from now on wala na ring katapusan ang gastos. ganyan pala ang buhay kapag may anak ka na.

kaya i will it. i will for more money to come. nang hindi naman ako masyadong mai-intoxify sa araw-araw na buhay. or pwede rin, basta sa takdang panahon. basta alam naman ng diyos kung anong makakabuti para sa lahat. i trust in him completely.

one more thing to look forward to: aysie's first christmas. malamang hindi pa nya maaalala to but i'd love to immortalize it in pictures and show them to her when she's old enough to appreciate it---hey anak, this was your first christmas on earth. haha. kahit nga itong blogsite ko, god-willing na meron pang blogger.com in ten or fifteen yeas, ipapabasa ko sa kanya for a blow-by-blow account of her childhood. haha. the wonders of technology.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

random shwandom

* i dream of revisiting the city of pines this november. kaso impractical. i can't leave my baby and i'd better just save the money. now isn't like then, when i'd only have to look out for myself.
* i dream of going back to my first love: reading.
* i miss hanging out with friends. i haven't done that in quite sometime.
* i miss seeing a movie in theaters.
* i so badly want to lose weight.
* i used to dream and get paid for it. i want to go back to that just-dreaming mode. writing used to be like that. i long to go back to that time.
* i'm obsessed with savings.
* i love nursing my baby. love it to bits. she stops crying when she sees me hauling out my chug. she knows it's gonna be feeding time. haha.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

my dreams for aysiebear

1) buy her books as early as 1 year old para bata pa lang ma-inculcate na sa kanya ang love for reading
2) teach her the value of money and savings. pero dahil hindi rin ako magaling don, i'll leave the teaching to her daddy na lang.
3) encourage her to form her own opinion and speak her mind, but teach her to be sensitive to other people's feelings.
4) encourage her in school and in all her personal endeavors.
5) teach her the value of education.
6) teach her how to be a mabuting tao...hindi ko lang alam kung ano yung speicific steps. hehe.
7) discipline her. and control myself from spoiling her.

Monday, October 25, 2010

in love

with my anak. she's only been with us for two months but my world has started to revolve around her. she's my gem, my legacy to the world, my purpose, something to live for.

kahit may yaya, gusto ko hands-on ako sa pag-aalaga. as much as possible, pag wala naman akong work, she's with me. kasi pag hindi, pag matagal ko syang hindi naaalagaan o nahahawakan, i feel guilty. feeling ko hindi buo ang pagiging ina ko pag hindi ako ang nag-aalaga sa anak ko. pag lumalabas ako ng bahay, siya pa rin ang nasa isip ko. gusto ko nang umuwi agad dahil kelangan ng anak ko ang gatas ko.

she turned 2 months old on october 23. she's starting to learn the world around her, marunong nang tumitig, marunong nang makinig. soon she'll be smiling voluntarily, and making ga-ga-goo-goo sounds. sabi nila pag five or six months na daw at nagrerespond na sa mga tao, nakakatuwa. i can't wait. i can't even believe it's only been two months since ipinanganak ko siya. parang antagal na!

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

happy and thankful

that my prayer was answered. i'm done with the final draft; they're taping the episode today. yey! thank you lord!

now i have reserved this day for babytime. take some time to breastfeed and exclusively care for my aysiebear. there are two problems though--dahil medyo ilang araw na rin akong hindi madalas nagpapabreastfeed, mahina ang gatas ko ngayon...at ang anak ko, matakaw pa naman sa gatas, kaya hindi sya nabubusog sa breastfeeding sessions namin.

isa pa, isang linggo ko pa lang syang hindi exclusively inalagaan, nagbago na yata ang timpla nya...nagiging iyakin na siya, at hindi ko siya mapatahan! mas napapatahan pa sya ng yaya nya...and for the first time i am seriously bothered. i'm jealous of the yaya, because i'm the mommy and i couldn't console my baby. :-( the hazards of a working mom. pero ayoko...hindi ako gi-give up hanggang hindi napapalapit uli sa kin ang anak ko. hehe.

basta thank you lord...happy happy...counting blessings...celebrating dahil para kong nabunutan ng tinik sa final draft na nairaos ko. :-)

Thursday, September 30, 2010

lord, thank you for a complete draft 1...

...pero hihirit pa po ako...sana po tulungan nyo ko sa revisions...sana po magkaroon ako ng mas mahabang panahon...meaning itetape nila yung episode na sinusulat ko 3rd among three eps...o kahit na 2nd...wag lang po sanang 1st...

i pray for more time...more stamina...and just a dint of brilliance from you my lord...i pray na sana maapprove agad ang final draft nito para mas magkaroon ako ng time para sa baby ko...sana lord, sana...please help me.

* * *

i don't like the feeling i have when i have a deadline. it's not healthy, to feel like there's a thorn on my side each time. it's supposed to be an exhilarating experience, to write, to pour out my soul on paper. but it's anything but, usually. the pressure to deliver, well and on time, bears down on my soul like twelve-ton lead.

of course, time has a lot to do with it. if i had more time, maybe it would feel so much more different. but deadlines are a reality in our line of work. so there's no other choice but to make it on time, with acceptable results.

kaya lord, nagdadasal po ako. please lord. help me. i'm just another ordinary slowpoke newbie, plucked from my comfortable mother's nest, given this wonderful chance to fly beyond the confines of my comfort zone, and i so want to fly like how they'd want me to, but i need stronger wings. bigger wings. and you, my wind. help me lord.

* * *

i dont like the beginning. i don't like the ending. i would smoke til i barf. even the purported ghost in the house we're staying couldn't distract me from my fear of failure. i don't want to fail in this one; the last time i gave birth and that was a cop-out. gusto ko namang patunayan na kaya kong igapang ito up to the very end. on my own.

holding my baby, seeing her, had never been more appealing then. she was my stress-reliever, seeing her. my love grows with every day. and i just pray na sana gumaling ako at bumilis ako at matapos ko ito agad para mas may time akong alagaan siya.

at 12 midnight, sinubmit ko na. di ako masaya, pero so relieved. earlier that morning, pagkagising ko, dasal ang inalmusal ko. at times when i didn't know shit about what i was gonna do, faith was all i could turn to. kaya sobrang pasasalamat ko kay god dahil somehow nairaos ko ang draft 1.

good luck to me...feedback meeting na bukas. mukhang mauubos ang weekend ko para sa draft 2. help me, god. please.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

i'm back (and missing the old life)

back to work. back to old habits. trying to marry the old with the new, praying that i'd succeed happily.

i'm grateful. sobra. that's why i want to do this right, wanna get back to fighting form. what matters at the end of the day is what's happening in the world within that phosphorus screen.

tuesday deadline. i'm scared as hell and these past two days i've been feeling like the greatest hack in tvlandia but what the heck. i'm going to just keep going. keep fighting. kaya ko to. walang ibang choice. hear me universe?!

i miss breastfeeding my baby. i miss holding her and exclusively taking care of her. dahil kailangan ko nang bumalik sa trabaho, si yaya at mga in-laws ko na ang nag-aalaga sa kanya ngayon. dahil medyo madilaw ang complexion nya, doctor says i should temporarily stop breastfeeding her para malaman namin kung gatas ko ang dahilan ng paninilaw nya.

i guess life's almost back to normal. almost. i guess that one month away from work was a period in twilight zone. i was missing so many things from my usual life back then, but it was not necessarily bad. i actually am missing those days now. those days na naga-adjust pa ko sa bagong bahay at bagong buhay, i would only have my baby when bosobear was away. i learned how to singlehandedly take care of her, how to decode her crying (gutom? nag-jebs? may kabag? inaantok?), how to carry her in my arms and change her diapers and make her burp and lie down on my side while breastfeeding her in the wee hours (para hindi ako mangawit sa kakakarga). kaya ngayon na may iba pang nag-aalaga sa kanya, namimiss ko sya...at medyo nagseselos din ako dun sa mga nag-aalaga pag kinakarga nila ang baby ko, hehe!

masarap magtrabaho sometimes, pero most of the time, mas masarap mag-alaga ng anak. i love my baby!

waaah. i miss you my baby aysiebear! tapusin ko lang deadline ko, maayos lang ang pagkayellow mo, balik na tayo sa dating gawi.









it's almost sunday. two days to go and i still have no complete liners. paksyet. lord, please help me. this is for my aysie. please, please help me pull this through nicely.

Friday, September 03, 2010

right now, i long for...

...a hot, yummy dinner
...a bottle of coke zero
...a stick of marlboro menthols (or its electronic counterpart)
...choco mousse cake
...home
...my cat, keanna
...a yaya to my little one
...a night out with friends
...peace and quiet. no kids running around disturbing my baby's sleep.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

post-partum

ayokong maging nega...pero medyo nakakawindang ang sunud-sunod na changes sa buhay ko lately. they're happy changes, and i know i have so much to be thankful for. pero...yun nga. nawiwindang ako. dahil normally i can only absorb one major change at a time. now i'm thrown into this state, all of a sudden i'm a mother, wife, manugang, hipag, tita, babysitter, palamunin, exile all at the same time. i'm living in a new home, dealing with new folks, adjusting to a new living setup. longing for the familiar, longing for home, longing for a cigarette break in the middle of all this madness. the madness is all happening inside my head, taurian me who's ever-resistant to change, and since i can't smoke (yet, as i'm breastfeeding), i'm left to other coping mechanisms. like blogging. and crying out of the blue when no one's looking.

drama. may plausible excuse naman ako. post-partum depression ito. i officially declare it. walang kokontra. haha.

bukod pa sa pag-blog at pag-iyak may isa pa kong dapat i-add sa coping mechanisms ko: counting my blessings. pag nami-miss ko ang katahimikan ng bahay namin sa marikina, iisipin ko na lang na swerte ako bilang maraming pwedeng gumabay sa akin dito sa tamang pag-aalaga sa baby ko. pag naiilang/nahihiya ako sa mga bagong kasama, iisipin ko na lang na at least they welcomed me to this house, when it could've been the other way around for anyone in the same situation. pag nami-miss ko ang pamilya ko at ang mga pusa ko sa marikina, iisipin ko na lang na at least i now wake up every morning with my baby and my bosobear right beside me. pag nadedepress ako dahil parang gusto ko nang umuwi at bumalik na sa dati kong nakasanayan, iisipin ko na lang na lahat ng pagbabago ay may discomfort sa simula, pero makaka-adjust din ako...at kahit na alam ko namang i am free to change this current setup if i want to, iisipin ko na lang na i'm doing this for my baby and my husband, na gusto ko magkakasama kami, and if this is the best way for us to be together, i would rather make the sacrifice and endure the pains that go with change.

so yon. naglalabas lang ng neuroses. i wonder kung merong makakarelate sa sitwasyon ko ngayon. i'd really really love to talk with them right now.

Friday, August 27, 2010

things i want to do now that i'm (almost) back to normal

1) get a hair rebond.
2) go on a weight loss plan.
3) have a beer. or two. or three!
4) have my first (electronic) cigarette.
5) wear my jeans and mini-tees again.

more items on the list to follow. yahoo!

straight from this mother's womb

august 23, 2010, monday. just another day in the life of someone who's about to give birth for the first time.

530 am. naghahapit ng script dahil deadline na ang monday night. i'm still on script #2, 1 full script to go. hindi na dapat matulog pero hindi ko kakayaning hindi humimlay kahit for a few hours lang.

930 am. nagising. diretso nagbukas ng laptop to make up for sleeping time. before working i uttered a prayer: lord, help me get past this. i had lost hope and fire that i would ever get this draft 3 done right. the deadline was a wall and i would either climb over it or go around it. sabi ko sa diyos kayo na lang po bahala.

around 10 am. naihi. right where i was sitting. nagulat ako, because it's never happened to me before. apart from the discomfort, nakakahiya siya, kahit walang ibang nakakita. haha. little did i know na hindi na pala ihi yun.

soon enough, my balakang started aching. and there was something pink in my urine, which was what really alarmed me. i asked my mother kung ito na ba yon. syempre bago ako sumugod ng ospital kailangan kong masigurado na hindi ito false alarm, dahil sayang ang oras na pwede ko pang gamitin pagsusulat kung sakali. sabi ng nanay ko, pakiramdaman mo.

the aching would subside but would keep coming back. each time, with greater force. i called the doctor to ask if this was it. i got a yes. so i hastily dressed up and was on my way to the hospital.

bosobear and i had agreed that i was going to have an economical delivery at the chinese general hospital, kaya kahit malayo sya sa marikina i insisted on being taken there. it was a 1-hour trip, the longest trip i've ever had in my life. every five minutes the balakang contractions would come and they were excruciatingly painful. parang iniipit ang mga buto ng balakang ko, wala akong magawa kundi umiyak at umire. so cry and ire i did, pero hindi pa rin natatanggal ang sakit, i really couldn't do anything except scream and wail and
stress out my mother and the taxi driver who were the ones with me at that time.

sabi ko, "anak wag mo naman akong pahirapan," pero busy rin si baby sa loob at that time, preparing herself for being born, at siguro wala rin naman siyang magagawa. it was a necessary kind of pain. now i know they're not exaggerating when they call it "birth pains".

12nn. i was wheeled in at the hospital, screaming and crying. ang sungit nung nurse na nagtreat sa akin sa emergency room. sabi sa akin, "MOMMY! HINDI KAILANGANG SUMIGAW! HINDI YAN MAKAKATULONG!" haha. she felt me down there and uttered a curse under her breath. na-tense ako. sabi nya sa nanay ko, "MANGANGANAK NA PO SIYA. PERO PREMATURE KAYA GUSTO KONG MALAMAN NYO NA BAKA MA-INCUBATOR ANG BABY. P20,000 A DAY PO YON, OK LANG BA SA INYO?" ang sagot ng nanay ko (na natakot bigla sa gastusin) "AH, EH, HINTAYIN MUNA NATIN YUNG TATAY---"

to which she replied, "NAKU MA'AM THE LONGER WE WAIT MAS MAGIGING MATAGAL ANG PAGHIHIRAP NG ANAK NYO". on the way pa lang si bosobear non and i definitely did not want to suffer any longer so i butted in with a resounding "OK LANG SIGE NA OK LANG!"

i was put on a stretcher and wheeled in towards the deliver room, which was 3 floors up. sabi ng masungit na nurse, "pigilan mo ang baby mo, wag kang iire! pag nanganak ka sa elevator walang sasalo sa baby mo!" they made me cross my legs para pigilan ang involuntary na pag-ire ko. it was like having LBM and you're trying so hard to hold it in when it's just about to burst out of you.

1235pm. i was wheeled in at the delivery room. kasingsungit din ng nurse ang mga tao doon. pinagalitan pa ko nung isa, "MOMMY NEXT TIME WAG MO NANG HINTAYIN NA FULLY DILATED KA NA BAGO KA SUMUGOD SA OSPITAL HA." sabi ko, please, bigyan nyo ko ng something for the pain. someone stuck a needle in my hand and somehow everything felt lighter. amidst all this the nurses around me started asking me questions like "kelan ang huling menstruation mo?" and "ilang taon ka na?" and the like. it all seemed trivial and funny to me at that time, them expecting me to answer considering that i was in terrible pain, and it seemed that the doctor who would make the delivery was taking forever to arrive.

finally she did, and everything from then on was surreal. i was sensing everything through a haze of pain. finally it was really time para umire, and ire i did, until the baby was out. finally i looked down and i saw this wet little living person being held out to me, and for a moment i became lucid---oh my god, this is it, this is her. all the pain was worth that moment, seeing my baby for the first time.



she was born at 12:44 pm, approximately 6 lbs. not a very big baby but not very small either. everything was a miracle. kahit kulang sa buwan, she needed no incubation, and it was a swift, normal delivery. i was in the hospital for three days, recovering from having been stitched up. now i'm taking a crash course on Baby Care 101. learning by the day, but that adventure merits a separate entry. :-)

life as i know it is over. a new kind of life awaits, this time with a few happy additionals, at kahit na may malaking takot sa loob ko about having to face these changes, gusto kong maging optimistic. and believe that the dust will settle down fast and i'll eventually get used to things. our little girl will grow up well, i'll be able to balance work and home life, everybody will be happy, and yes, everything will be alright. with god's help.

just an afterthought. feeling ko hindi pa talaga meant na lumabas ang baby ko that day. pero nagbago isip ni god. parang sinagot niya ang panalangin ko. he made me go around the wall instead of climb over it.

thank you lord. for everything. with you as my guide, i know there's nothing to fear, nothing to worry about. :-)

Monday, August 23, 2010

no more

gusto ko na lang tapusin to. at mag-leave. wala na ko pakialam. i've been robbed of my cigarettes to cope with this situation.

may writer ba na nagbigti/naglaslas para may excuse na hindi ma-meet ang deadline?

grabe na ito. i really don't care what would happen anymore. i feel no sense of kinship for the stuff i'm doing right now. tinitira ko na lang. bahala na.

diyos ko, bigyan nyo po ako ng konting pag-asa. konting oras pa. konting lakas pa.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

diyos ko...

...gusto ko na lang pong tapusin ito.

wala nang passion, wala nang amor, sa ngayon...pahinga lang ang katapat siguro at ilang araw na day off.

isa na ang na-email ko, sobrang delayed pa...three scripts to go...yes, i suck big time. pero dumating na ako sa puntang wa na ko keber. if i'm wasting a perfectly good opportunity.

ang alam ko, i want to rest. because my legs feel heavy, the baby feels heavy, and i'm always sleepy. ang alam ko, i want to spend a worry-free day with my bosobear, hugging him til we fall asleep while we're watching those dvds at home.

i long for a worry-free, work-free day with you. my husband. my love. the one who would make me coffee in the wee hours of the night. the one who would give me everything i need, when all i really need is him. i love you so much, i just want to hug you forever.

keso alert. that's what stress does to you. i can't smoke, so i take it out on the ones i love.

lord, tulungan nyo po ako...

Friday, August 20, 2010

fantasies, whines, and the reality of a deadline

i dream of a wedding. isang heavenly setup. white lilies, pink roses, purple lilacs, chiffon. me in a magazine-cover wedding gown, veil and train flowing, walking on a flower-fragrant red-carpet aisle, with a groom waiting for me at the altar (he's moved to tears with joy). i'm teary-eyed with joy, as well. and yes, pretty. slender and beautiful, almost virginal, with no trace of the bloated mom-to-be that is me today.

in reality, i got married in a CAMANAVA regional trial court. we bumped off a petty-theft trial para lang maikasal kami ng judge. yung mga witnesses sa trial, naki-witness na rin sa kasal. at yung mga nakaposas na nasasakdal, naki-abay na rin. nakakakatawa lang yung whole setup, straight out of a romantic comedy movie. actually, yung judge, reminds me of herbert bistek bautista during his pre-politics days, and the entire time i couldn't keep myself from sniggering. it was just too funny to be true---me and bosobear saying those vows, wearing those rings, the works. in my mind, weddings are for romantic drama movies, and we were miscast. to begin with, i was not the magazine-cover bride that i'd fantasized i would be. i was pregnantn and looking bloated in blue; he wasn't looking so bad then but he's no keanu reeves. so we're miscast, but even non-matinee idols/leading ladies have to get married sometime, so i suppressed my giggle as i slipped the ring in his finger.

before the whole ritual the judge lectured us about the forever-ness of things (he was using big words like LIFETIME, ETERNITY, etc) and i found myself getting a bit intimidated. bigla akong napatanong ng mga tanong na dapat sana ay sigurado na ako sa sagot at that time, pero sinabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, ang importanteng tanong lang naman (na dapat ang ko ay isang resounding "I DO") is "Mahal mo ba Siya?", kaya somehow nawala na nang konti ang takot ko. dahil oo, mahal ko siya, kaya nga ako nandoon.

alas-10 ng umaga ang kasal, the night before ni-rush ko ang isang deadline. after ng kasal, may deadline na naman. tuesday, wednesday, naiyak na talaga ko. dahil feeling ko, wala ako sa hulog these days para kumarir ng isang major rewrite. i'm 8 months pregnant, i just got married, and i've been robbed of cigarettes to keep me sane during lagare-writing times like these.

those days i wish i had a choice, and some people might think i could've had. but truth is i didn't.

tuesday, i signed a contract. happy about it. feeling blest, feeling grateful. but there's a downside to it. you cannot say no. you won't have a choice. thursday was a feedback meeting and my worst fears came true. they wanted a second bloody rewrite. halos burado ang 80% ng 2nd draft na ginawa ko. naiiyak na ko sa harap nila pero pinigil ko. i could save the tears for later when i'm alone.

ngayon, deadline na naman sa monday. madugong rewrite, 4 scripts, at lost ako. napaka-general ng directives, generic ang backbone na binigay. and i have four fucking days including today. gusto ko pa uling umiyak. dahil gusto ko nang mag-maternity leave. in my worst moments gusto ko nang manganak NOW na para may valid excuse akong hindi gawin.

in my worst moments, wala na kong pakialam. it's going to be my midterm exam, that's one way to look at it. pero minsn iniisip ko, i don't care anymore kung madisappoint ko sila. i don't care if i don't pass. i was happy where i was, happy being part of the team. not in i-have-to-win mode right now. not raring to step up, i have too many personal thingies to attend to.

nagpapasalamat naman ako dahil sa compassion ng mga katrabaho ko. sa totoo lang di naman nila problema kung buntis ako ngayon, kailangan nila ng writer na mapupukpok. kaya nagpapasalamat na rin ako dahil nago-offer sila ng tutok-tulong. na kailangan ko talaga ngayon dahil lost na ako. each time magfi-feedback, gustong magpa-rewrite. hindi ko na alam kung ano'ng problema, baka nga siguro ako ang problema. at sa totoo lang willing naman akong magstep down sa project at ibigay ito sa iba kung gugustuhin lang nila. kung papayagan lang nila ako. sa totoo lang, 65% of me, mas gugustuhin pa yon. para lang makaiwas sa stress.

mahigit isang buwan na kong di nagpapacheckup dahil walang oras. pero today, kahit di ko afford, magpapacheckup na ko. sumasakit na ang balakang more than usual, sipa nang sipa si baby Audrey. pag 8 months na daw dapat weekly. pero good luck dyan.

gusto ko na talagang matapos to. PLEASE LORD, I NEED A MIRACLE RIGHT NOW. please answer my prayer.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

5 minutes to rant

yesterday i got married. supposedly i was to go back to work in the afternoon, but i didn't. so now this.

wednesdauy deadline, three scripts. tuesday na ngayon. nasa 1st script pa lang ako, at minumura ko na ang sarili ko. revision supposedly pero structural ang pagbabago kaya parang rewrite na rin. tanginaaaaaa. wala lang. tumatawad ako sa ep pero di na daw talaga kaya. hanggang thu na lang ng umaga ang lahat.

pagkatapos, may nagtext. may meeting daw with bossings tomorrow. hindi pwedeng wala ka don. okay. sumakit bigla ang ulo ko. dahil sa wednesday deadline at thursday deadline at sa oras na mawawala pagpunta ko sa office bukas para sa meeting. pero sige go lang. magdadasal na lang. lord tulungan nyo ko please. lord please. please, please, please.

im hardly in the right condition to work like a mule these days. maigsi ang battery life ko dahil sa baby. gusto ko tulog nang tulog, madaling pabagod. and may mga moments talaga na sa sobrang pressure gusto ko na lang itulog ang lahat.

eto yung nabasa ko sa horoscope ni susan miller for august. times like these kelangang baguhin ang sistema sa pagtatrabaho. kaya kukuha ako ng pwedeng tumulong. hindi structural ang gagawin kong revision for this 1st script. bahala na. lord, bahala na kayo. naiiyak na ko. seriously.

NAIIYAK NA KO!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

i was pissed and pouting

but the truth is i really really miss you. of course that's something that you wouldn't hear from me right now.

naiyak ako dito...

i did not plan to get pregnant, but when i found out, not once did i seriously consider abortion an option. pero naiyak pa rin ako dito, lalo na sa letter na kalakip ng picture. if it indeed is true, that the babies in our wombs do feel what we feel, i feel guilty for a lot of things. for not always being happy for her. for sometimes wishing that i had had this pregnancy in 2011. for resenting the fact that i had to sacrifice so many habits and so many things because of the baby. for ingesting stuff that i know might not be good for her (coffee. softdrinks. the occasional red wine. pero yosi hindi ko talaga kaya...kahit patay na patay na kong makapagyosi).

nang matapos ko tong basahin, naloka ako. for the first time, i was so overwhelmed by my love for this child, naiyak lang talaga ko.

taena. help me god, i'm so stressed. di ko alam kung kaya kong maabot ang deadline na waring isang pangarap lang. baby, help mo si mommy.

Sunday, August 08, 2010

STRESSED OUT

i want a beautiful, happy family. and a love that lasts forever. above everything else, those comprise my One Great Dream.

got work to do. step up, girl. work harder. got to pull this through with flying colors if you know what's good for you.

Friday, August 06, 2010

try again by keane

I fell asleep on a late night train
I missed my stop and I went round again
Why would I want to see you now?
To fix it up, make it up somehow

Baby I'll try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

What I was isn't what I am
I'd change back but I don't know if I can

Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

But I was made the way I am
I'm not a stone; I'm just a man
Lay down your arms and I will lay down mine
Rip back the time that we've been wasting

God I wish you could see me now
You'd pick me up and you'd sort me out

Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

dumping whines on a lovely rainy day

i SO can't wait to have this baby. it sounds selfish, but i want my body back. i long for the days when i could still fit my baby tees and skinny jeans, when i could deal with stress and other anxieties with a puff of menthols, when walking/getting up/stooping down/any slightest physical activity wouldn't trigger aches and pains and shortenend breaths.

when i said this to my OB a month ago she glowered at me and said, 'baka di mo alam kung gaano kahirap mag-alaga ng premature baby'. at kung gaano ka-gastos. so THAT shut me up.

kaya baby ko, stay warm and comfy in there. magpahinog ka lang dyan. i'll see you in around 8 weeks. :-) mommy's kinda scared big time, not only of giving birth to you, but of other humongous changes in life as well. i know, though, that with god's help and blessing, everything will be alright. we'll be able to adjust to everything in no time.

nearing my 8th month now (doc would prolly say 8 months na ko ngayon pero di ako naniniwala. HAHA) and thank god, so far wala pa naman akong manas na nakikita sa mga kamay, paa at binti ko (except for the humongously swollen monay face). can't speak too soon though, pero sana lang wag na kong manasin. that means i'll have to eat less. which is such a bummer, because i'm nearly ALWAYS hungry. and when i'm deprived, i'm grouchy. i binge more.

i also pee every 10 minutes. i'm woken up early in the morning EVERY SINGLE DAY by the need to pee. would've been easier if i could walk normally, but lately i've been feeling an ache on my right pelvic joint everytime i walk. must be the baby weight, must be the mommy weight, but nonetheless it's there and it gets worse when i stay in one position for a long time.

there's work to do this afternoon and i'm not looking forward to it. HAY. tamad.i'd rather whine instead. haha.

still shopping for baby names but we're semi-settling with AUDREY CHRISTI. Audrey, dahil gusto ko lang, Christi, dahil joseph daw si daddy at mary si mommy kaya si baby, jesus christ (pero dahil girl, christi na lang. haha sorry lord jesus for using your hallowed name). i remember our first date, when he first learned about my full name, and that was what he had said. "bagay talaga tayo, kasi joseph ako, mary ka". ". to which i had to fight the urge to roll my eyes and guffaw. so corny, it's funny.

i remember that first date as well, when we were walking along the mall and i saw a couple with a baby walking ahead of us. at that moment i had this silly feeling, almost a premonition, at that time i couldn't say it was anything i'd wish for, i wasn't tumbling all over the place for the guy, but it just...popped in my head. and years later, the premonition came true.

aww. feeling romantic me again. haha. baka pag sinabi ko to sa kanya ngayon, he'd be the one who'd roll his eyes and guffaw. so corny, it's funny.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

3:06 am

and i can actually see my tummy moving, my baby kicking inside. MOMMY! MATULOG KA NA! PARANG AWA MO NA! haha. ang weird lang tingnan. nakikita ko talagang gumagalaw yung tiyan ko from inside.

after four days, a single freakin powerpoint done. uncondensed. 14 freaking slides. too long. dang. pero dinugo ako bago ako nakapagsimula. figuratively. ang hirap.

lord, salamat. nagdasal ako bago ko sinimulan and he helped me finish. lord, sana po maapprove. please. para masimulan na. please.

dahil sa 2nd week of august, mababago na ang buhay. one step up. ibang level uli. i need to set work aside for a little of the personals. pero syempre, kailangang kumayod hangga't kaya. lalo na't may baby. lalo na't nahihirapan akong makita na umiiyak ang nanay ko. bilang ina, bilang anak. pusong babae talaga ako.

i dream of a flowing white church wedding. of a long red carpeted aisle to walk on, me glowing in a beautiful wedding dress. of lilies and carnations and baby pinks. of heartfelt vows and wedding rings and happy tears after The Kiss. whoever makes that dream come true for me shall have my heart forever.

audrey noelle, or audrey christi? ano'ng mas magandang pangalan?

we will have to host a baby shower soon. i just don't know how we'll go about it.

got a scriptcon offer to work for br1llant3 m3ndoza's next film. sayang, wrong timing. with the writing job and the baby and all. two years ago it would've been a good project to take on. out of town shoot, walang uwian, relatively good pay. i miss the adventure of shoots sometimes.

sometimes. hehe.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

i want only positivity and nothing else. i will it.

i hate the inborn nega in me. hate it.

3 in the morning. 1 script down, 1 more to go, 19 sequences to finish by 12 noon later. good luck. di ako inaantok sa ngayon pero a bit too drained para magpatuloy. sa tingin ko kailangan ko munang umidlip.

or maybe not. malay ko makasulat pa ko ng isang eksena. or two.

dapat matapos to by noon mamaya.

* * *

sometimes i just want to flee. detach. fly away. for two or three days. and then come back. sorely missed. refreshed. happier than normal.

but i think it's gonna be a good idea, to just back off for a while. to just remove myself and immerse into something else. at least, for the weekend.

marami akong namimiss. cigarettes, most of all. i know i shouldn't even think of it positively. yun ang dapat ninenega ko sa utak ko. pero namimiss ko lang yung stress mechanism na yon. pag may emotional need ako na nag-uumapaw, i used to turn to three things: yosi, food, love. not necessarily in that order. ngayon, dalawa na lang ang sandalan ko. at yung food, hazardous din naman, not only to my health (if in large doses) but to my figure. at yung love, parang yosi din. if you chain-smoke, if you rely on it too much, di rin healthy. tsktsk.

kaya namimiss ko ang yosi. my mind misses it but my body barfs at the smell of it. di ko pa rin ma-take ang amoy hanggang ngayon.

detach, girl. detach and immerse in other things.

i hate my 7monthpreggy look. i hope i don't look any worse than i already am. it depresses me even more and makes me want to go away all the more.

eh di naman ako makaalis. dahil 7 months na. sabi nila bawal na ang long trips. lalo na pag mag-isa. oo gusto kong umalis mag-isa. gusto ko lang i-try. gusto kong gumawa ng mga bagay na maaring hindi ko na pwedeng gawin pag lumabas na ang anak ko.

gusto kong gumawa ng maraming bagay na hindi ko (na) pwedeng gawin sa ngayon. tulad ng magyosi at mag-coke zero at the same time. tulad ng maglasing kahit isang gabi lang in the happy company of friends. tulad ng magdiet. at marami pang iba.

kababawan, yes. puros kababawan. dahil may parte ng pagkatao ko na ayaw pa ring mag-let go sa pagkabata/kabataan. dahil for the most of my life, i was young, at iyon ang nakasanayan. there's comfort in the familiar. fear in change.

i'm not in control most of the time. there are changes that are not in my control, and it depresses me, makes me feel helpless. kaya lalo kong namimiss ang yosi, dahil wala akong makapitan. i shouldn't turn to food. i shouldn't turn to love. but i can suck on a menthol stick and channel all my anxieties into it, it won't mind. sure, my body would, but for the moment, i'd feel alive and healthy and invulnerable. at least until i finish it all up.

i'm such a dependent. ARGH.

Monday, July 12, 2010

slow days

di ko alam kung matutuwa ako o mababagot. dahil part of me feels na sayang ang oras, na sana ginagamit ko ang panahon ko ngayon para kumita ng pera. pero a part of me feels grateful din, for the rest, for the free time. not for long, though, dahil lock-in na naman sa wednesday. scripting for the rest of this week.

pero happy. relatively. thank god. knock on wood. basta yun ang solid, na lagi ko namang pinagdadasal sa diyos, happy lagi.

7th month. magpapalit ako ng obgyne dahil sabi nila, kung saan ka daw nagpapacheckup dapat doon ka manganganak. magulo pa rin si baby sa loob at nangangamba ako na baka umikot na naman sya at maging suhi na naman. baby sana wag na. please stay put. we want you to come out the normal way. less risky, less expensive.

dominique or athena? ano ba'ng magandang pangalan? yung athena sounds strong, pero i'm more partial to dominique dahil si osobear ang pumili. sa kagustuhang magkaroon ng boy na baby gusto nya male-sounding name para sa girl naming baby. duh, haha.

sabi naman ng nanay ko dapat daw vowel ang start ng pangalan ng anak namin at odd ang suma ng mga letters para daw kasundo namin. doon naman pasok ang athena. hay. hanggang sa pagbibigay ng pangalan talagang mapamahiin ang nanay ko.

i need to lose weight. or at the very least not gain any more weight. kaso ang hirap. ang sarap kumain. i'm still craving. i'm hungry most of the time. waaaaah. naiinis ako.

thank god may maid na kami. sana magtagal. kasi kailangang-kailangan namin with what happened to papa. yaya na lang ang kulang, around september siguro kakailanganin na.

lord, thank you. sa lahat.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

6th month going on 7th

i'm having another ultrasound this week. hopefully, we'd finally get to know our baby's gender. i used to think it's a girl, but with the way it kicks and moves inside my tummy these days, i'm starting to doubt if any self-respecting girl could power-kick with so much gusto.

at 6 months, hindi pa naman ako manas (siguro sa mukha lang...i'm monay special, especially in the mornings...argh). pero i can already feel baby sitting under my rib cage. yep, ganon na siya kalaki! the other night at the peebeebee b1g nyt the guards wouldn't let me in because i was pregnant. if i had known better i would've tried to hide it. kaso hindi pa rin ako sanay hanggang ngayon na buntis ako. naninibago pa rin ako sa matinding makabagong-buhay na realidad na yon.

hay.

sabi ng nanay ko, kausapin ko na raw ang baby ko. but i feel strange doing that. i feel a bit cuckoo. haha.

motherhood anxieties. di ko alam kung magiging mabuti ba kong mommy. kasi hanggang ngayon i'm not exactly brimming with excitement. parang...okay lang. naiinis ako na ihi ako nang ihi. naiinis ako na ang taba-taba ko. madali akong mainis sa kahit ano at kahit sino these days, at naiinis ako sa fact na yon. pero about being a mom very very soon...okay lang. mas takot ako kesa excited.

siguro kung meron nang pinakamalaking sacrifice akong ginawa para sa baby ko, yun na yung pag-quit sa yosi. ang lakas ko kayang magyosi before i got pregnant. and then somehow i managed to just chuck the habit. siguro dahil tinatanggihan na rin ng katawan ko ang amoy. pero may mga panahon na hinahanap-hanap ko sya...lalo na pag nabubwisit ako o depressed ako o stressed ako. pero di ko maatim. di maatim ng konsensya ko na palanghapin ng lason ang anak ko, kahit na sabihin pang isang puff lang. milyong lason pa rin yon.

i guess the sacrifice will stretch on til after my breastfeeding months. oo, sorry...pagkatapos nito i have a feeling na baka bumalik ako sa yosi. ayoko na talaga, honestly. pero ewan ko...i feel like i've lost a working tool. a coping mechanism. i couldn't think as fast and as sharply as i used to when i was puffing on a menthol. i know i shouldn't even think about it, but...i've been creatively abnormal since i went cold turkey. salamat na lang sa diyos na nakakasurvive naman ako kahit feeling ko hindi optimum performance ang naibubuhos ko.

anyway, baby, you don't have to worry. hindi kita idadamay sa yucky habit ko. promise yan. ano kayang gender mo? ano kayang magiging itsura mo? i'm not uber excited about it but i'm looking forward to meeting you...kahit na alam kong pag dumating ang araw na yon, permanente nang mababago ang buhay ko.

cold feet. yes. big time. because i'm never really good at welcoming major changes. it takes time for me to be able to adjust. kaya siguro takot ako sa future. dahil alam kong magiging malaking adjustment para sa akin ang lahat. bagong baby, bagong role, bagong bahay, bagong buhay, bagong civil status. bago lahat.

hay. scared. yes. help me lord. you know the desires of my heart.

Monday, June 21, 2010

basag

the other night, someone broke my heart. it probably isn't as bad as it seemed to me then, but at that moment it was. bad. very bad. so bad i thought i was going to have a heart attack. literally.

anger. chest-imploding. like a bomb in outer space. pain, the kind that can make grown girls cry. like babies to their mommas. the kind that can keep you up all night. cursed to suffer through your unholy sleepless hours.

may nabasag nung gabing yon. not the bottle of red wine i'd downed in just a matter of hours. not someone's face (salamat na lang walang tao sa harapan ko). something much more fragile. something na ilang taon kong pinaghirapang buuin. only to be broken in a matter of seconds.

i wanted to be numb so i feasted on red wine. big time. with simpsons playing on tv. and and the work on my laptop, waiting to be done. i just couldn't. i wasn't in that zone. working was the farthest from my mind at that moment.

i fell asleep, forgetting everything. then i woke up, and the memories of the night before just came flooding in. kakagising ko pa lang, sira na ang umaga ko.

you broke it the night before, you mended it the next morning. somehow. but not quite. i was traumatized by what took me by surprise. everything's alright, everything's explained for. and yes, understood somehow. somehow.

but what the mind may understand, the heart may take longer to accept. please, lord, let time be on our side.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

soused on red wine at 2:58 am.

with a deadline to meet. asap.

life is happy, really. when you're soused. you feel numb. emotionless. senseless and scented. detached and attached to everything and nothing at the same time. and yes, senseless.

yeah, i'm drunk. on healthy red wine. my, my baby loves itttt.

detach, detach. and tomorrow morning imma wake up late and not have to worry about anything. i'd have dreamt all the details of the script revision i've yet to put into writing. i' have remembered it all and when i wake up i'm just gonna encode them all from memory. yeah, that's gonna happen. haha.

i miss talkin to my girlfriends. i miss being driven old me. i miss being bitter old me. i miss a lot of things from five years ago. the videoke and the beer. the stuff that emo ole 20ish singles do.

drunk at 3:02 am. been a long time.

red wine is my nectar for the moment. if that doesn't sound drunk, nothing does.

detach, detach, detach. and tomorrow im gonna wake up emotionless. rational, yes. but emotionless.

always love it when i'm drunk. you/re excused to say aynyhing. 3excuse to be anything. but i pray to god that when i get lucid again its gonna be mind over emotions. i'm gonna deal with everything emotionally detached. thinking, rather than feeling. and i know, i have faith, that everything will be alright. that everything will turn out just fine.

got to finish my revision asap. thank god for red wine.

Friday, June 04, 2010

early june showers

i love rain. i will never tire of saying that.
it's friday night. have two scripts to finish by sunday morning. i'm only 25 percent into the first script. looking forward to a night vigil. mas masarap magtrabaho dahil malamig ang panahon. writing with rain and wind outside my window, sipping coffee and eating my favorite eng bee tin hopia. heaven. kailangang matapos to by sunday morning.

baby five months on the way. i'm depressed whenever i see pictures of me. pregnancy is a great excuse to be fat, sure. but pregnant or not, truth remains. i'm still fat. and i'm helpless about it.

test of love ito, baby.

saw the house. it's three floors high. it's nice and comfy. but it's not gonna be ours. doesn't matter, though. i'm happy about it. happy and thankful.

pangarap kong magkaroon ng kotse. but with the baby on the way, mukhang backseat na muna ang pangarap na yon. backseat na muna ng taxi ang sasakyan ko in the immediate future.

at five months, hindi ko pa ma-determine ang gender ng baby ko. pero alam ko kung nasaan ang puso niya. it's in my right lower abdomen. as of three days ago, at least. ultrasound shows na suhi si baby pero good news is pwede pa syang umikot in the next four months. sana umikot siya dahil mas gusto ko ang normal delivery.

at five months, i can feel baby moving nearly all times of the day. may mga times na tahimik siya (siguro pag tulog sya; at this point kasi baby has acquired sleeping hours tulad nung sa baby na naipanganak na), pero pag gising siya, maligalig siya. hehe.

sana september na, baby. gusto na kitang makita. gusto ko na ring bumalik sa normal kong buhay. but you and i know that things will never be the same. dramatic as that may sound, but it's a normal transition. and the transition is going to be a good thing.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

grin and bear it

better yet, forget that you exist for the next three weeks at least. easier that way.

it's a lonely planet at this stage. oo, kanya-kanyang purgatoryo lang yan. may trabaho kang kailangang gawin but no one's paying me to become a mom. and most probably it's gonna be a thankless job.

you'd foreseen this. you'd predicted how it would turn out. and still, you pushed through with it. nagpaligaw ka pa rin. bumigay ka pa rin.

kaya eto. bahala na ko sa buhay ko dahil wala ka namang magagawa, your hands are tied. i'm a selfish hormonal bitch, preoccupied by my own needs. and because i'm irrational, i don't say a thing to you. at least, not beyond my one-sentence monologues. i try to grin and bear it, because i have unreasonable needs and you need to be out there.

so grin and bear it, bitch, even if underneath you just want to kick and scream.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

he wants a boy...

but secretly i'm wishing for a girl. so i guess it's up to the gods now.

* * *

my body's changing everyday. i'm happily looking forward to the day, but i'm only halfway through, and i've gained so much weight already. :-( dreading the next four months' worth of poundage that i've yet to gain.

hindi lang yung pounds, though it's the biggest villain in this sweet li'l fairy tale. i've heard of changes that only people in this stage go through. depigmentations. stretches. veins. bloatedness. gawd. the vain little bitch in me is crying foul. it's hard to be a mom when you're a vain little bitch like me. you go through days and days of frustrations. you're getting uglier by the day and you can't do anything about it.

yeah, yeah i'm sure you'll likely say "ang importante, healthy si baby". syempre, given na yun. pero can i rant about this state of helplessness pa rin? tsk. i wish i could just stop eating so much. i'm taking vitamins and milk so the RDA for baby is covered. i just wish i could stop feeding MY face and expanding MY ass and focus on taking care just what baby needs.

last january, a schoolmate of mine was 5 months on the way. now she's given birth to a baby girl. parang ambilis lang. so i guess tama ang isang acquaintance. mabilis lang ito. before i know, magiging malaki na ang pagbabago ng buhay ko. at hindi ko maikakaila...i'm scared. scared like crazy, dahil i'm totally clueless. and i don't know if i'm emotionally prepared for it. i'm trying to be financially prepared for it, though. i just don't know right now where to place a baby in the scheme of my life. i guess when it's there i'll find just the place for it. for him. or her.

despite my little whines, though, there are little joys, too. like feeling little pitik-like movements in my tummy. and looking forward to my first ultrasound, and knowing if it's gonna be a she or a he. i just pray na sana normal siya. with normal-sized, proportionate body parts, just the normal number of body parts, with perfectly functioning body parts. haha.

* * *

stayed up all night to finish work. now i'm done with the script, i can rest now. sorry baby, nagpuyat ako...ngayon lang naman, at promise buong araw matutulog tayo. ;-)

Saturday, May 22, 2010

pet peeve night

ayoko sa mayabang, period. immaterial kung may ipagyayabang o wala. ka-turnoff lang.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

there's something about going public that irks me

it makes me want to hibernate. so i'm gonna say bah-bye to this blog for now. i'd much rather be anonymous, really. thank you very much.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

this point in my life is not the best time to slow down

dahil mahaba pa ang tatahakin ko, career-wise. marami pang bigas ang kakainin, so the cliche goes. marami pa kong kailangang aralin. and i'm not even halfway There.

so dapat at this point, all systems go pa rin ako. make or break. puyatan kung puyatan. arangkada kung arangkada.

kaso. ito. nararamdaman ko na. may nagi-impose ng sariling curfew sa katawan ko. pati psyche ko naaapektuhan. all of a sudden nararamdaman ko ang nararamdaman ng isang taong pagarahe na. pota, ayoko pa! it's a temporary state yes but even after this temporary state, things will never be f***ng the same. EVER.

and it fills me with fear as my worst, pessimist moments, perhaps more than it fills me with joy when i'm all sunshiney mahoney. parang i'm giving up something. yeah, yeah in exchange for a miracle. yeah yeah. don't get me wrong. i love it. but sometimes i'm torn between loving it and loving the life i'm about to leave behind.

so you think i'm emotionally unready? maybe, maybe not. you can always use THAT as an excuse. but nothing will really prepare you for it except when you're forced to actually face it.

so sulat na, b1tch. ano pang sinisintir sintir mo dito. ~whiplash! whiplash!~

gusto kong maging patok jeepney

yung mapula ang ilaw, maingay ang stereo, at parang naka-drugs kung humarabas sa daan. at haharabas lang ako papunta sa destinasyon ko, walang keber sa dadaanan, never looking back, throwing all caution to the wind.

and then before i know it, i'm there. DONE. pressing send.

kung pwede lang na ganon. humarabas na lang at gumogogogo. saka na lang lumingon pag tapos na. hindi titigil ever hanggat hindi tapos na. potaena.

kumusta naman ang sinisipon kong ilong na barado ang kaliwang nostril at running man naman ang kanan. sabi ng nanay ko patingin na daw ako sa doktor. delikado daw. antay ka lang doc, bibisitahin din kita. haharabas lang ako. with some measure of careful scrutiny pa rin. dahil hindi ko kayang humarabas ng wa care. mabigat sa dibdib.

kumusta naman ang jowang bukas lang yata ang day off? at kung kelan naman siya free saka naman ako kailangang pumasada/lumabada? hindi na ko nagreply sa text nya. bukas na lang. buong araw ko syang hindi nakausap at ipokrita naman ako kung sasabihin kong wala lang sa akin. i'm starting to wish i could turn back time and go back to that moment when i said, "bakit di mo tinanggap? sayang." i would take it back. take it all back. di ko alam if my opinion did make a difference like what he would claim. he blamed me for reconsidering. pero sana, sana. sana hindi na lang. selfish as that may sound. i'm just longing for some speed right now. speed and galing. that's the dope.

dim bulb. bzzt-zzzt-zzzt.

Friday, April 16, 2010

pet peeve day

i hate...
hot days.
hot nights.
peacocks.
peeps with bullhorns.
people who always have their pics taken from one angle.
pusakals who could impregnate my pet cat.
bad dreams.
sleepy me.
nasty me.
procrastinasty me.
fatty me.
sinigang that ain't sour enough.
busybodies.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

my new sideline

yep, i'm selling bras, mga overrun from marks and spencer factories abroad. same quality for a much cheaper price, with a wide variety of styles and colors!







(photos courtesy of olive ranido)

i'm use these bras myself so i can vouch for their good fit, durability, and UNWAVERING support. haha. so if you or know anyone who might be interested, drop me a note, text me at 0915989-6965 or send them a link to this blog. cheap prices will vary depending on how many pieces you purchase :-)









Saturday, April 10, 2010

we told them today

and she cried. demanded on my behalf. i bridled her. i knew she had my best interests at heart. but i don't want to bully anyone.

so there. it's over. ilang buwan kong pinag-isipan ang moment na iyon. finally, it's done. i can come out now.

i cried buckets today. didn't want to break anyone's heart. least of all mine.

the future is uncertain, and i know it's gonna be rough for me. pero kakapit tayo babe. everything has been and will always be for you, anyway.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

thank you lord

for the two-day rest. for the three-day out-of-town vacation. for payday today.
so many things to thank god for, still. kahit masama ang umaga ko.

* * *

the ilocos vacation merits a separate entry. dahil sobrang extensive/intensive ng experience na yon. it was much more fun than our first ilocos visit last year dahil walang tinik ng trabaho sa dibdib the whole time i was there (may trabaho, yes, pero tinapos ko na pagbalik ko dito sa manila). plus the fact na mas marami kami (this year kasama sina penguin at caloy, unlike last year na twinbill loveteams lang kami...threesome loveteams na ngayon..yihee monj). so bilang marami akong pwedeng ikwento tungkol sa ilocos vacay, i'll stop right here. and give a day-by-day action-packed account later.

* * *

i'm more emotional lately. i should bridle myself. i can't always make my hormones as an excuse. but it's really strange, fascinating, in fact, how short my fuse is lately. i'd literally feel the blood rising up to my head. so yeah, i should bridle myself.

* * *

pag naiinis ako, nagsisisi ako. nagwi-wish ako na sana hindi na lang. dahil kung hindi, hindi pa malayo ang pangarap kong makapagbikini sa beach. hindi ko kailangang bumili ng bagong wardrobe. hindi ako sasabihan ng sarili kong nanay na "mukha ka nang nanay" sa laki ng pinagbago ng itsura ko (yeah, she ACTUALLY said that. HMPF). pag naiinis ako, i resent things. out of spite. out of anger. unfair and hurtful to the innocent, yes, but i can't help it. i'm angry e. i give myself 5 minutes to just be unrepentantly angry. 5, 10. maybe even 15, pag nasa bahay ako at walang ibang maaapektuhan. and when i'm angry i resent things, because i feel TRAPPED. TRAPPED. TRAPPED.

and i miss my old life. how back then the possibilities would be limitless and there would always be a choice and, at times like these, i could afford to sit back and ponder my endless options. and yes, bail if i want to. just run, if i need to.

pero ngayon, hindi na. pero okay lang. dahil lilipas din to. dahil ang inis ko, lilipas din. and i'll be back to realizing how lucky and blessed i am. that there are wonderful things to look forward to.

just give me 5 more minutes.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

"stressie tomas" got me through the week

parang mura. imbes na "p@$taen@@@", ang panaka-nakang sinisigaw ko, "STRESSIE TOMAS!!" hahaha. to acknowledge the stress was to relieve yourself from it. plus it got me going too. and yeah, the term is so funny, i always chuckle everytime i yell it out loud.

and now, after how many days of hibernating inside this slowpoke little head o' mine, i'm DONE for week 2. just in time for tomorrow's trip outta town. yesterday kumuha na ko ng karamay. isa syang blessing in da sky. dahil kung hindi, hanggang ngayon pinupukpok ko pa rin ang laptop keys ko while yelling "STRESSIE TOMAS!!!!" every now and then.

next in order: go to the cashier. wish ko lang umabot ako, dahil 415 pa lang nagsasara na yun. kung hindi ako umabot, bukas na lang.

next next in order: feedback meeting for the soap at 5. parang gusto ko munang matulog. ang sarap matulog nang walang iniisip! STRESSIE TOMASSSSSS!

things to do before i leave:
1) shop for clothes. i HATE my new figure. argh-worthy. have to cover up haha
2)get a leg wax
3) shop for other beach necessities

because YEY BABY i'm goin to the BEAAAACH!!!!

lord, keep us safe please para masaya through and through! please please!

and thank you lord natapos rin ang week 2! thank thank you po! thank you din hindi na masyadong sumasakit ang tiyan ko pag nasestressie tomas ako!

here's to the sun sand and sea woohoo!!! haha, feeling happy lang kahit bukas may brainstorm meeting pa at 10am. thank you lord for work! mwah mwah!

Monday, March 29, 2010

nth vigil night

and one more night to go kung tatapusin ko ang lahat in time for my ultimate vacation of 2010. at dapat matapos ang lahat bago ako umalis. dapat matapos ang lahat with enough time para makapagshopping for the trip.

taena. parang imposible at this point.madali lang pag may framework na. pero pag magsisimula ka sa drowing, at wala pang naka-erect na structure, dobleng oras ang kinakain. at yun ang hindi ako sanay. yung nagsisimula sa drowing tapos gagawa ka na agad ng bahay. with limited time.

dun ako dapat magsanay. dahil yun ang magiging future ko. kung gusto kong yumaman, ganon ang kalakaran. pero sa ngayon parang lumuluha ako ng dugo. sumasabog ang ulo ko. tense at stressed at walang ibang outlet kundi kape at pagkain. gusto kong magyosi gawdangit. i'm building a house of cards alone, carefully painstakingly. and im not even sure if i'm doin it right.

well this night sucks. but it will stop sucking in a while. dahil potaena aalis ako sa wednesday nang tapos ang week 2. hindi pwedeng HINDI!!!

Friday, March 26, 2010

lost sa madaling araw

mag-isa. and the clock is ticking against me. as always.

gusto kong umiyak. hindi ko pa yata naranasang maging lost nang ganito sa isa't kalahating taon ng pagka-comeback ko sa pagsusulat. kadalasan pag lost ako meron akong karamay. pero ngayon wala akong choice kundi harapin to nang mag-isa. ni hindi ko pa tapos ang liner. at deadline na in two days. aatakehin ako sa puso.

lost. dahil kakagaling ko lang sa pagsusulat ng isang episode ng soap at pagod pa ako. kung endless lang ang energy, raratratin ko ang pag-iisip til the wee hours. pangarap kong maging robot na walang humpay, walang tigil, walang kapaguran.

6 hours ago pangarap ko lang na matapos na ang soap script para makadiretso na ko sa kiligserye. pero taena hindi pala ganon kadali yun. tumatanda na ang lola nyo. o di kaya ay biochemical ang dahlan. bumabagal ang pagod. bumibigay ang katawan.

paksyet naman, imbes na magsulat ka dito ratratin mo na kaya yung liners ano???

wala lang. nagbubuhos lang.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

happy day, stressful night

1248 am. bingeing on coffee to keep me up. almost done with one body of a one-day script for the new soap. buti na lang madali lang itong isang araw na to. sana matapos na to para show #2 naman ako bukas onwards.

it's vigil night 1. i need to be superwoman for the next few days. no other choice.

* * *

today was a happy day. dahil nakumpirma ko ang isang bagay na parang ayoko pa ngang paniwalaan. but i was happily banished from my in-denial state today.

i felt cared for. i felt loved. thank you for being here.

excited na ko sa pagudpud! sana naman wala nang humabol na stress don!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

okay lang na mahirap basta may katapat na sarap

pero ang pinakaimportante, nae-enjoy mo ang proseso. wag kang mag-rely on anything else. importante ang pera. masarap din sa pakiramdam ang ma-assure na may nagagawa kang tama. pero hindi ka makakatagal kung di mo nae-enjoy ang proseso.

kaya gusto kong ma-lost. dahil kadalasan pag nalo-lost ako sa sinusulat ko doon ko nasasabing nae-enjoy ko ang trabaho. when i'm in the zone. when i'm in the scene, in the emotion, when i'm crying, when i'm laughing, pag kinikilig ako, nae-excite ako. pag may nararamdaman ako.

hindi ko alam kung nasa zone ako ngayon. siguro marami lang naiisip. maraming kinakatakutan. baka mabagal ang pacing. definitely, mabagal ang pagsulat. pero dapat ang materyal, hindi mabagal. dapat, dapat. maraming dapat. nakakastress. kaya ang hirap mapunta sa zone. lalo na pag da clock is ticking.

yun ang kalaban. da clock. lagi-lagi.

nagpapasalamat ako. na-extend. nakahinga ako. nakapag-excrete ako. nakaexhale ako. mamaya makakakain ako. pero putaena. bakit five years ago kaya kong tapusin ang dalawang bodies in one magdamag. mabagal pa yon supposedly. bakit ngayon para kong constipated. every scene kailangang iere. parang batang pinapanganak na may hydrocephalus.

wag naman.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

LET'S HYPER UP

stress ang past three days. since last tuesday's creative feedback meeting. woke up wednesday morning super dragged-down. feeling low. knowing that i have five days' worth of treatment writing to do that day, starting almost from scratch. nag-pray na lang ako. please, help me. mabuti na lang, nakinig si lord. dahil somehow i survived the night. with a functioning mind and angels around me to help me out. sobrang thank you talaga, lord!

now, scripting time. gusto ng direktor, mabilis at exciting. maigsi ang attention span nya, kaya dapat ganon din ako. i can wing hyper. i used to be hyper before i started thinking of substance and words of wisdom. kaya kape, halika na! magtrabaho na tayo!

* * *

kumusta ka na dyan? konting tiis lang. let me just survive this one and i'll make bawi to you nang bonggang bongga. i'll live healthy, get lots of rest, take care of you once i'm done with work. here's wishing for happy ever afters.

* * *

it's just strange, the feeling the other day. i thought i couldn't do it, but then i had a glimpse of a chance to actually do it. and the response was sweet. playful. ah, the one that got away. i don't regret anything, i don't wonder about what could've beens anymore, but moments like that pass, when a little playful banter would slip past me and find its way to you.

pero hanggang dun na lang yun. for a thousand and one reasons. so have a good life. yeah, i'll see around. but not like how i used to.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

want some fun, sun and a healthy tan

it's that time of the year again for my out-of-town getaway cravings.

WAAAH. gusto kong mag-beach. wanna go to a place where i can bury my feet in the soft cool sands, float in serene blue waters, under endless blue skies.

gusto kong mag-baguio. gusto kong maglakad amidst the pines. gusto kong magshopping ng ube halaya at fresh strawberries. gusto kong gumising with fog and pines and morning dew outside my window.

gusto kong mag-out-of-the-country. nang libre. gusto ko ng bagong lugar. gusto kong gumala sa mga lugar na di ko pa napupuntahan.

lahat ng gusto, hanggang sa isip na lang muna. mind-traveling na lang muna, sa ngayon. pero please lord, sana naman, sa HOLY WEEK, payagan nyo akong magbakasyon. sana naman sa holy week wala nang trabaho. para makapag-getaway vacation naman ako. please, lord.

* * *

na-miss ko nang gumawa ng music video. the last one was 3 years ago. pero sa ngayon pagdating sa directing, kung ano lang ang dumarating yun ang tinatanggap ko. kasi i take it as a sign na gusto pa ng diyos na magdirect ako. ayoko munang magsolicit sa ngayon, partly because of my writing schedule na rin. and partly because gusto ko manggaling sa diyos ang desisyon kung babalik pa ako sa pagdidirek o hindi. kaya ayokong magsolicit ng projects. kung ano na lang ang dumating. i'll take it to mean na binibigay nya talaga sa akin iyon.

* * *

pero na-miss ko rin. sana may dumating. ok lang naman kung wala, masaya na ko sa buhay ko ngayon. di ko naman nararamdaman na may kulang. that's a sign na i can probably live the rest of my life without making films. that's okay. ang importante lang naman, happy ako, hindi ako nakakaabala ng ibang tao, at useful naman ang ginagawa ko sa ibang tao somehow. at feeling ko matutupad ko naman ang tatlong pamantayan na yon through writing. sa ngayon, masaya pa naman ako.

may mga moments lang, though. na feeling ko pagod ako. pero lilipas din ito. sa lahat naman ng trabaho may ganon. saka these days i'm prone to emotional slumps. biochemical stuff.

okay, may homework pang dapat gawin. kelangan tapusin para makapagliwaliw sa wonderland with alice and the huggable bosobear.

Friday, March 12, 2010

ang mahirap sa natitigil...

...ang hirap mag-resume uli. parang isdang pinakawalan mo. kailangan mo pang hulihin uli. potaena.

so. this is the life. okay. isa na lang ang iisipin ko. o dalawa. o tatlo. iisipin ko na lang na tagtuyot ang abril. na masaya ang feedback sa naging presentation kanina. na nagustuhan ng headwriter ko sa k@torse ang pagkakasulat ko ng pee-eych-ar ep na umeere ngayon.

actually, yung huli na lang na yon, dapat motivated na ko. malaking bagay sa kin na magustuhan nya, dahil marami sa alam ko sa pagsusulat ngayon, siya ang nagturo. kaya oo, dapat matuwa na ko. dapat magbuo uli ang gulong. dapat mahuli uli ang isdang nakawala kanina.

pwede ring motivation yung una. hmm. abril is my 30th berday. kailangan ng dilig sa natutuyong lupa. and i dont mean that in a skanky way. haha.

waaah

i've a flat tire. what to do with a flat tire?
vulcanize. with what?
i can't touch the smokes. i've had enough food for the night. HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE THE NIGHT WITH THIS BULK OF WORK TO BE DONE???

sige. dumagdag ka pa. naiinis na talaga ko ha. pag nagtext ka bukas ng umaga bahala ka sa buhay mo. ngayon ko kailangan ang text mo pero tinulugan mo na naman ako. NAIINIS NA TALAGA KO SA YO! TATADYAKAN NA TALAGA KITA! WHERE IT WOULD REALLY HURT!!!

ARGH. i've tried the mantra that my mother gave me. my mind is powerful...my thoughts are the keys to my power...concentrated, i can understand what i need to understand to do my work...concentrated, i can remember all that i need to remember to do my work...

three times lang ok na di ba? kailangan pa bang three thousand times para lang gumana?

WAAAAAAAH. SOS, LORD.

* * * *

i was resenting it earlier today, but i'm happy that the presentation for the new soap turned out well tonight. masaya naman sila. tinik na nabunot. ngayon isa na lang ang poproblemahin ko hanggang bukas.

Monday, March 08, 2010

note on the ref, from 2 years ago

nahalukay ko ito from this blog, october of 2 years ago.

lord, i pray...that you would help me survive every single day of the next two weeks. with work still done, with grace and a poker face, with an armor that will protect me from all sources of anxiety. because, at the end of every shooting day, it is still the work that matters. i am there for the work. kahit hindi ko na nakikita ang sarili ko na patuloy pa ring gagawin ang work na ganito in the future.

i pray, lord, that you would help me find a good place. a place where i can live life, be happy and fulfilled


kailangan ko lang i-post, para i-remind ang sarili ko, each time tinatamad ako, o pag nawawala ang dating sigla. i should grateful, for every day. because yes, my prayers were answered. because now, i think he has helped me find a good place.

during those days i hated my job, i hated every day i'd spend on the job. those days were dark and dreary, but they just passed. everything would matter for the moment, but moments pass, and as soon as they're gone, you're feeling okay again. konting time at konting processing lang, magiging okay ka rin eventually.

kaya salamat po, lord. sobrang thank you. i'm grateful, everyday.

sleepless at 5 am






and it's the worst friggin' time to be sleepless. cause i have work to do during the day. lots of it.

HAY.

i love my cat. soooooo much. she came to me 2 years ago and she was a wary, detached kitten. she grew up that way and it took me a while to earn her complete trust. now i can say she totally trusts me. now i can say i'm her favorite person.

every morning when she hears my bedroom door open she runs to me and rubs herself against my legs. she's hungry, sure, and it's only my utmost pleasure to feed her. it even gives me joy, watching her eat. and before she digs into her food, she has this little ritual of rubbing against my legs first, as if to say "thank you". haha. siguro imagination ko na lang yon. pero i'd like to think that i do sense these things.

she's a quiet cat. she hardly meows. if she were a person she'd be very mahinhin. malayong-malayo ang ugali nya sa mga pusakal dito sa amin. when food is on the cat dish she's the last cat to dig in. she nibbles her food--primly, delicately. and when she walks around the house, she's a queen nonchalantly strolling around her kingdom.

oh, i just looove her. i'm oozing with love for her. she's my baby. i spoil her but it doesn't even affect her. she takes everything so seemingly casually. but she loves it when i take care of her. she loves it when i take her into my arms and carry her like a baby. she loves it when i rub her belly. she loves it when i scratch her ears. and me, i just love looking at her. just seeing my keanna makes me happy. she's a stress-reliever.

wala lang. i just feel that i have to say this now or i'll burst. haha!

Friday, March 05, 2010

five episodes to go

doing work for the new soap. i'm on week 12, five episodes to go. deadline is today.

at mainit na naman ang ulo ko. f__k. i hate this.

i feel like i'm trapped in this condition. it came at the wrong time. right now, yan ang nararamdaman ko. wrong---friggin---timing. when i have my WHOLE LIFE ahead of me. and i have yet to experience the JOYS of being out there.

because i haven't, really. sumagwan lang ako sa kabilang isla. hindi pa nga ako nakakalabas ng pacific ocean. and times like these, how i WISH i still can. times like these na NAIINIS ako, i want to bail out. you are making me miss what i no longer have, and how i WISH you knew that. para masaktan ka kahit papano.

dahil putsa, para kang TUOD. ang sarap alugin ng bangka mo para mahulog ka naman sa tubig at mag-react ka naman dyan. bwiset ka.

tomorrow's a party. not in the mood for some socializing. but tell you what, maybe i'll treat myself to a hot oil tonight. maybe i'll primp a little and try to be vain for once. maybe i still can. maybe i will.

i HATE all hecklers. HATE is a bad word, but OH, how CATHARTIC it feels to just SHOUT-IT-OUT.

back to work.

bad trip friday

I HATE YOU!!!!!
BUWISET KANG KAPAL NG MUKHA MO!!!!
GO TO FRIGGIN HELL!!!
P@$%%$#@#$@#!!!

HAY. that out, back to my normal day.

Friday, February 26, 2010

oral

foodlust for the day: tinolang manok. i helped cook, and am proud of how delish it came out.

i just wish i could stop being so oral.

Cold Turkey DAY 7 and right now i'm tempted to puff on a stick. pwede bang kahit isa lang? just for me to remember how DISGUSTING it smells and how STINKING UGLY the smoke feels inside my lungs? para bumalik ang pandidiri ko? please pretty please?

thank GOD it's friday, but...

...i'm irritable because of the heat.

i'm counting blessings, yes, but i'm ANNOYED at so many things. annoyed that it's so friggin humid i can slice the air with a knife. annoyed that i can't have the money i want to have every month, annoyed that i'm not mayaman. annoyed that i can't have the wendy's meal that i've been wanting since one week ago, annoyed that decisions aren't easy to make. annoyed that i have to think of the freakin future always instead of plunging into what will bring me satisfaction now and tomorrow. annoyed that i'm not mayaman. oh, did i say that already?

nakakasilaw, oo. nakakasilaw, tama. lalo na sa mga panahong gusto mo na lang bilhin ang buong mundo. na napapagod ka nang maghintay, kahit iisang taon pa lang naman ang binuno mo. tsktsk. mali, alam ko. wag padala sa low EQ.

annoyed at certain people. na on any other day mato-tolerate ko pa. pero these days, with the heat snaking its way up my head, madali akong magshort circuit sa loob. nawawala ang pasensya. at ang inis ko, when normally madaling mawala, these days, nago-overstaying. tumatagal ng oras.

tolerance, tolerance. di ka rin naman perfect. there's a lot to tolerate about you as well.

AAAAAHHHH! ISANG (all expenses paid) BEACH VACATION NGA DIYAN!

* * *

di naman po ako nagrereklamo, lord. naglalabas lang ng init ng ulo. i'm grateful and will always be. it's just that sometimes the heat gets the best of me.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

hot summer tuesday

day 4 on the cold turkey program. kaya ko 'to, woohoo!

finished writing treatment of episode 4 of the koreanovela we're adapting. 3 more episodes to go. deadline tomorrow. kaya ko 'to, woohoo!

ang init. gusto kong pumunta ng beach. waaah. ang weather outside, maganda sa paningin...pero panget sa pakiramdam.

addicted to MyTown. hay. i'm always addicted to something. but the "something" always changes, really.

lock-in on thursday. sana naman hindi na ko ma-peer pressure na magyosi. at sana when i start scripting again this weekend, hindi na rin ako ma-tempt mag-yosi. kasi i've always associated yosi with scripting. or any kind of stressful work, for that matter. it was my way to deal with stress. kaya dapat baguhin yun. argh.

i've also come to associate yosi with surfing the net. and san mig coffee. kaya i've quit san mig coffee. but i have to adjust my mindset when it comes to surfing the net.

okay. so i'll stop talking about yosi now. the more i make myself aware of it, baka lalo lang akong ma-tempt.

back to work!

why HELLO, summer.

came in too early this year, eh. i suppose you haven't turned up the heat on max yet. sana wag na. mainit na as is.

* * *

i love summer for ripe juicy mangoes. and beaches. and that's just about it, i guess. and, yeah, for my birthday. i'm turning 30 in two months. wow. i've used up all my 20s. a significant part of it, i would've chosen to live differently, if my mind were the same as now.

pero okay lang. what had to happen happened. i wouldn't have the same mindset now if i hadn't gone through what i'd gone through in the past 29 years and 10 months. so THANK YOU, LORD. thank you with all my heart!

* * *

what's up with me lately. been having light work days. a good thing, since i need the extra rest for the next few months. a series i'd co-written for will be airing very soon. just wrapped up the thriller project (they're taping in an island paradise down south next week. gusto ko sanang sumama dahil SOBRANG GANDA ng lugar...kaso baka sumasagasa sa work). starting work on a new adaptation. sana umere na soon. sana, sana. because i feel GUILTY not working my ass off. i feel GUILTY resting when i can be making money. nasasayangan ako sa oras. HAY.

sana umere na ito within the next six weeks, max.

* * *

sana rin matapos na yung latest project namin sa avp. para makapag-shoot na naman ng bago. sana, sana. sana approved na sa kanila ang 2nd cut.

* * *

hay. walang kwentang entry ito. puro pera nasa utak ko. haha. i wish i could tell you about my latest quandary. nagkaroon ako bigla ng tatlong options. ang hirap pumili. ang hirap mag-decide. pero napag-isip-isipan ko na. i'd go for the long term. i'd go for the education. and yes, the loyalty. the utang na loob factor. but really, that's only 3rd among my reasons.

i'm learning how to swim in the open sea. i'd rather fledge in the open sea and learn to swim really, really well. kasi para yang new york. if i can make it there, i'd make it anywhere.

sana tama ako. i've had my share of wrong decisions in the past. sana naman, with god's guidance, tama ang naging desisyon ko this time. sana lord.

Friday, February 19, 2010

semi-cold turkey

today: half a stick (so far. ayoko nang dagdagan...please).
yesterday: half a stick.
wednesday: 1 stick.
tuesday: 2 sticks.
monday: half a stick.

disgusted. i want to maintain my disgust. because i want to quit. for good.
because i'm near quitting, i'm now into eating. big time. big ARGH. that problem i have to start solving. ASAP.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

nasusulasok na sa usok...

...pero on stressful or emotionally-charged moments, i puff on a stick. tulad ngayon. luckily for me, wala nang yosi dito.

kaya ko naman pala. but of course i wouldn't want to speak too soon.

naiinis lang ako. mamatay na mga hecklers na yan. at please, lumayo-layo sila mga potah sila kung ayaw nilang maghalo ang balat sa tinalupan.

naiinis ako sa mga pangyayaring ganyan. wala syang kwenta sa buhay ko. pwede bang i-abolish na yang mga ganyan? sino ba nakaisip nyan?

irrational me. ang sarap lang mag-rant. kahit wala sa rason. kahit puro emosyon. HOY! wag kayong maka-"hi"-"hi"! bubuhukan ko kayo. OKAY!!!

syempre, lalamig ako. in a while. and i will want to forget all about it. because there will always be hecklers around. and there will always be events like that. it all really boils down to one word. and that one word will get you through the next many many years. so long as it is justified. so long as it remains sacred.

* * *

YOSI COUNT.

today: 1 (so far. wala na kong interes dagdagan.)
yesterday: 4
friday: 6
thursday: 6
wednesday: 1
tuesday: 3

masyado pa ring marami ang 6. ayoko na talaga. nakakasulasok sa ilong ang usok. ang yosi, parang pokpok sa isang tarantadong customer. ako ang tarantadong customer. dahil pagkatapos kong hithitin, bahong-baho na ako. sa amoy na naiiwan sa kamay ko, sa hininga ko, sa hangin. kulang na lang isuka ko siya.

dapat by march, total wipeout na. totally clean lungs na.

* * *

angst night. gustong mag-angstfest. uy, valentine's pala tonight? napaaga ang celebration ko. dinner nang bonggang-bongga, kagabi with bosobear. my fat lovable valentine. my stressball. pisilin ko lang, natatanggal na ang stress. hehe.

angstfest saan? wala lang! nakakamiss lang mag-beeyatch mode. nasusulasok lang ako sa optimism at normalcy ng mga entries ko lately. pero ayoko nang sabayan ang paga-angst ng pagyoyosi. bad yun. baho pa.

actually wala akong dapat i-angst e. happy kid ako ngayon. except yung mga POTAENANG HECKLERS na yan na gusto kong itaboy ng walis tambo ko. mga BWISIT SILA! pero aside from that, happiness. i wish i could lose weight, yes. i wish i could be prettier than how i normally am these days. there are things that i still wish i had, wish i had more of, or less of, pero basically, thank you lord lang ang masasabi ko.

at help me lord. sa coming months ahead.

* * *

i dream of our own house. a pretty split-level unit with a backyard and a front lawn. a garage with a car in it. a doghouse in front. plants and flowers, well-tended, sa harapan.

i dream of our own full-furnished sala. with a huge flatscreen tv at the center. and those leather couches that you admire, each time we pass by SM's showrooms. and that lazy boy seat with the foot stool. i'd want that in our living room too.

i dream of these things, but you stop me. you cut me short, telling me to be realistic. dehins keri ng moolah. HELLO?! libre namang mangarap di ba?

pag nanalo ako sa lotto, i say, i'd buy a Gas Station franchise.
masyadong mahal yun, you say.
so? i say. nanalo naman ako sa lotto e.
natameme ka dun ano? haha.

* * *

kong hei fat choi. i saw those luscious ube hopias on tv again. how i want to just FLY to binondo and buy myself a dozen of those. i've always loved those hopias.

hindi na naman ako makakatulog nito.

* * *

my keanna is getting sweeter everyday. in the morning when she hears my bedroom open, she's on her toes, running to me. asking for food, yes, but at least she's sweet about it. HAHA.

i love my pussycat!