Thursday, September 30, 2010

lord, thank you for a complete draft 1...

...pero hihirit pa po ako...sana po tulungan nyo ko sa revisions...sana po magkaroon ako ng mas mahabang panahon...meaning itetape nila yung episode na sinusulat ko 3rd among three eps...o kahit na 2nd...wag lang po sanang 1st...

i pray for more time...more stamina...and just a dint of brilliance from you my lord...i pray na sana maapprove agad ang final draft nito para mas magkaroon ako ng time para sa baby ko...sana lord, sana...please help me.

* * *

i don't like the feeling i have when i have a deadline. it's not healthy, to feel like there's a thorn on my side each time. it's supposed to be an exhilarating experience, to write, to pour out my soul on paper. but it's anything but, usually. the pressure to deliver, well and on time, bears down on my soul like twelve-ton lead.

of course, time has a lot to do with it. if i had more time, maybe it would feel so much more different. but deadlines are a reality in our line of work. so there's no other choice but to make it on time, with acceptable results.

kaya lord, nagdadasal po ako. please lord. help me. i'm just another ordinary slowpoke newbie, plucked from my comfortable mother's nest, given this wonderful chance to fly beyond the confines of my comfort zone, and i so want to fly like how they'd want me to, but i need stronger wings. bigger wings. and you, my wind. help me lord.

* * *

i dont like the beginning. i don't like the ending. i would smoke til i barf. even the purported ghost in the house we're staying couldn't distract me from my fear of failure. i don't want to fail in this one; the last time i gave birth and that was a cop-out. gusto ko namang patunayan na kaya kong igapang ito up to the very end. on my own.

holding my baby, seeing her, had never been more appealing then. she was my stress-reliever, seeing her. my love grows with every day. and i just pray na sana gumaling ako at bumilis ako at matapos ko ito agad para mas may time akong alagaan siya.

at 12 midnight, sinubmit ko na. di ako masaya, pero so relieved. earlier that morning, pagkagising ko, dasal ang inalmusal ko. at times when i didn't know shit about what i was gonna do, faith was all i could turn to. kaya sobrang pasasalamat ko kay god dahil somehow nairaos ko ang draft 1.

good luck to meeting na bukas. mukhang mauubos ang weekend ko para sa draft 2. help me, god. please.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

i'm back (and missing the old life)

back to work. back to old habits. trying to marry the old with the new, praying that i'd succeed happily.

i'm grateful. sobra. that's why i want to do this right, wanna get back to fighting form. what matters at the end of the day is what's happening in the world within that phosphorus screen.

tuesday deadline. i'm scared as hell and these past two days i've been feeling like the greatest hack in tvlandia but what the heck. i'm going to just keep going. keep fighting. kaya ko to. walang ibang choice. hear me universe?!

i miss breastfeeding my baby. i miss holding her and exclusively taking care of her. dahil kailangan ko nang bumalik sa trabaho, si yaya at mga in-laws ko na ang nag-aalaga sa kanya ngayon. dahil medyo madilaw ang complexion nya, doctor says i should temporarily stop breastfeeding her para malaman namin kung gatas ko ang dahilan ng paninilaw nya.

i guess life's almost back to normal. almost. i guess that one month away from work was a period in twilight zone. i was missing so many things from my usual life back then, but it was not necessarily bad. i actually am missing those days now. those days na naga-adjust pa ko sa bagong bahay at bagong buhay, i would only have my baby when bosobear was away. i learned how to singlehandedly take care of her, how to decode her crying (gutom? nag-jebs? may kabag? inaantok?), how to carry her in my arms and change her diapers and make her burp and lie down on my side while breastfeeding her in the wee hours (para hindi ako mangawit sa kakakarga). kaya ngayon na may iba pang nag-aalaga sa kanya, namimiss ko medyo nagseselos din ako dun sa mga nag-aalaga pag kinakarga nila ang baby ko, hehe!

masarap magtrabaho sometimes, pero most of the time, mas masarap mag-alaga ng anak. i love my baby!

waaah. i miss you my baby aysiebear! tapusin ko lang deadline ko, maayos lang ang pagkayellow mo, balik na tayo sa dating gawi.

it's almost sunday. two days to go and i still have no complete liners. paksyet. lord, please help me. this is for my aysie. please, please help me pull this through nicely.

Friday, September 03, 2010

right now, i long for...

...a hot, yummy dinner
...a bottle of coke zero
...a stick of marlboro menthols (or its electronic counterpart)
...choco mousse cake
...home cat, keanna
...a yaya to my little one
...a night out with friends
...peace and quiet. no kids running around disturbing my baby's sleep.