I Love You

Dear Audrey,

Last night as you slept, I watched videos of you when you were younger. I love watching those. I'm reminded of a time when you were still this biba, unself-conscious babygirl who unabashedly idolized Snow White and Sleeping Beauty, loved wearing dresses around the house (because that's what princesses wear in those Disney movies), would gladly pose for a picture or video, would generously give baby hugs and kisses.

I was so kilig, watching videos of you making kwento about your day, how you would sing and dance, how you would talk about this imaginary world you created called "Audrey World",  how you would smile at me guilelessly and purely as how a 5-year-old or 2 year-old would.  I have to admit I miss those times. I miss the babygirl version of you-- the newborn version, the toddler version, the kindergarten version.

While watching, I looked at you, asleep-- at 9, almost as big as me (a happy thing!)-- and realized, teka, bakit ba ako nanonood ng mga video mo, when you are right here, beside me? So I hugged you and kissed you (the dry type of kiss--- cause you don't like the wet kisses right? You actually don't like kisses at all!) and said "I love you anak" kahit hindi mo ako naririnig dahil natutulog ka.

At 9 you seem to have taken after your father in temperament-- shy, introverted, less emotional and gushy (unlike me!). Kaya siguro namimiss ko nung bata ka, na nagpapakiss ka pa, and every now and then you'd say to me "I love you, Mama". But that's okay anak, tanggap ni Mama na lumalaki ka na, and I embrace all the changes in you, I accept everything about you -- less sweet, more shy, whatever-- and I would never ask you you to change anything. Just be go on and be whatever you want to be (huwag lang yung nakakasakit o nakakaperwisyo ng ibang tao, kasi iba na yun!).

Then this morning I was asleep and you woke me up. And to my surprise, out of the blue, you said, "I LOVE YOU". Groggy me was jolted awake by that, because it's been a long time since I heard that from you.  Ang sarap pakinggan, anak. Maybe you have heard my "I love you" to you last night after all, and that was your response.

Hindi ka man kasing-sweet at innocent ngayon nung babygirl version mo, nasa core mo pa rin ang pagiging loving and affectionate. And I see that at bedtime, when you would tell me "Mama pa-hug". I see that everytime you would ask me, "Mama ano'ng oras ka uuwi?" whenever I had to leave the house for work. And then this morning, that random "I love you" -- I'm just filled with so much love for you anak, I had to write about it here.

Ang bilis kasi ng mga taon. Super bilis. :-( 9 ka na ngayon, still a child, more innocent and unassuming than many kids your age (bata ka lang talaga--- napakasimpleng bata! and I'm proud!). Pero darating din ang time na magmamature ka na into being a tween, and all traces of that child-like innocence will be gone. Kaya sulit sulit din si Mama pag may time. I taught you chess, I introduced you to your first big girl book (Series of Unfortunate Events! You love Justice Strauss, naaawa ka sa kanya, sabi mo), today we will go to the park with your big girl bike and I will teach you how to ride it.  I love you in whatever shape form or version, pero minsan ka lang magiging bata. And these are precious days for me. Kaya habang bata ka pa, Mama will try to spend more time with you. Create more memories with you.

achievement unlocked...

...weight-wise. This morning I reached my initial target weight of 48 kgs. The last time I weighed 48 kilos was... I don't remember anymore. 2011, most probably. All thanks to 8 months of Keto.

Next target weight: 46 kilos/101.6 lbs. My highschool weight! Di na pwedeng bumaba dun, kasi underweight na yun. Magmumukha na kong lollipop! Hehe.  46 kilos, and a flat stomach! Para pag nagcrop shirt, hindi mako-conscious na lumabas ang bilbil sa tiyan!

How to achieve that flat stomach? I HATE exercise! I ABHOR crutches! So I just do intermittent fasting. 16 hours, to 18 hours. I've been doing it for a few days now. Next ko, 20 hours naman. So wish me luck. And btw, I'm in better health than I've ever been these past several years, I believe. I just had my physical exam, and heart is healthy. BMI is now normal. Sana pati bloodchem results ko, lumabas din na A-ok. Despite what many people believe, Keto is healthy, despite the high-fat component. Fasting is healthy, especially when it's over 20 hours. That's when autophagy--- cell-healing-- happens. And they say it gives people flat tummies. Hehe.

Ironic na nagrerestrict ako sa pagkain, pero yung kinakain ko ang sasarap. Keto is too good to be true. But it IS good. and it IS for real. It works for people like me.

Kaya sa mga doubters... no, di na po ako babalik sa dati. Masusustain ko 'to. Hopefully, for life.

God loves a cheerful giver...

...and that's one of my realizations for 2019. I should give more. Because I've been given a lot. And the only way to repay God for His kindness is by paying it forward.

And it doesn't have to be money. I can also give time, which is actually more valuable. Also knowledge, which doesn't really cost me anything, so I give it willingly to whomever asks for it. Effort, too. Sabi nila, kapag generous ka, hindi ka pababayaan. I believe that, but I want to give primarily out of gratitude for what I've been given. At dahil gusto kong maghanda para sa next life. Haha.

I grew up an only child, laging pinagbibigyan, sanay na solo ang lahat-- I was not raised as a selfless person. Kaya I try to consciously veer away from that upbringing.  At kahit only child din ang anak ko, I want her to grow up to be generous and selfless as well. So I try to teach by example. It's a work in progress. Because I don't recognize the opportunity to give all the time, but I really hope na makalakihan yon ng anak ko.

Bakit ko ba sinasabi ito? Wala lang. Baka lang makalimutan ko. Na nagsimula sa taong ito ang... well, in a way, spiritual journey ko. Nagbalik loob ako sa simbahan. I've gone back to mass every Sunday, primarily for my daughter. Teach by example. At pati husband ko, sumasama na rin. And I really appreciate that, kahit hindi sya ma-dasal na tao, I know he is doing it for Audrey.

It might be ritualistic for some, but going to church has its rewards for me. Well, it's a way of giving back to God-- 2 hours of your life every week is a small thing to ask, really-- but I like going to mass too dahil that's when I get advice. Kapag nagdadasal ako. Advice about life, direction, purpose, all that. I don't have the answers, I don't know everything even when it comes to me or where I'm supposed to be, kaya I turn to God. Walk by faith na lang.

I'm by no means a religious person. But I need a personal relationship with God. Itong buhay natin dito,  this is just a pitstop. The real life is the next life, and I want to go to heaven, and I want to be there with the people I love. Ayoko sa baba. Mainit dun. Hehe.

So wala lang. Naisip ko lang. I want to give whenever I can. Minsan, mahirap, sacrifice, pero iniisip ko lagi na dapat grateful ako. Dapat other-centered.  I don't have a lot of liquid money right now, kaya yun ang pinakamahirap ibigay madalas, but I just need to remember: God loves a cheerful giver. God is also a giver, and giving to others is my way of thanking Him.