Monday, May 25, 2009

tired monday

got up from bed at past noon.
heavy lids, heavy ass. stomach grumbling for some immediate satiation.
meeting at 1 pm. i knew i was gonna be late. but my mind wasn't ready for any mental work. not today.
and tomorrow is another day. work, work. it's a daily grind from now on. so i need to clean the fog out. habitually.

for now, though, i just want to sleeeeep...
...but before that, maglalaro muna ko ng games sa internet. at magfe-fezbuk.

so, crucify me. hehe.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

back to work on monday.

i need a little more self-psyching up. need tomorrow to re-inspire myself. it's a phase.

i HATE this kind of heat. the searing, humid, windless kind.
i HATE going out in this kind of heat. but i have a date with Angels and Demons today at 5.
sana naman humangin, kahit kaunti.

ang sarap magskirt o magshorts pag ganitong panahon. kaso wala akong karapatan ngayon. waaaaaah.

Friday, May 22, 2009

at exactly 5 o' clock ey-em...

...i'm done with homework. yey!
second uli ako! haha.
ngayong ready nang matulog, hindi naman makatulog. pfft.

angels and demons, here i come!

* * *

syet. sana naman magustuhan nila.
kahit yung lahat ng scripts namin for this batch, in general.
sana rin, magustuhan ng headwriter ang script ko. waaah. ayan, nasabi ko na. napakawalan ko na ang wish out into the universe. no turning back. pag maraming narevise sa final draft, ibig sabihin, bigo ako. ng sariling expectations.

kasi, nagustuhan nya yung first script ko for k@torse. as in, parang pa-birthday gift ang mga comments sa kin. kaya na-tense naman ako bigla. parang kailangan dapat magustuhan nya itong susunod na script ko. parang sophomore syndrome. if the first one was considered good, the second one should be just as good, if not better.

hay. i hate sophomore syndrome. yun nga ba talaga ang tawag dun?
ang tagal kong na-stuck sa sophomore syndrome. hindi ko na sya nalagpasan.
i was up-and-coming, so many eons ago. up-and-coming, so they said. kaso naduwag akong i-fulfill kung anumang "promise" ang meron. naduwag o tinamad. maybe both.

kaya sa akin, ang term na "up-and-coming", walang bearing. siguro may promise ka, but you're only on the first rung of the ladder, really. the fact that you have promise has merited you a spot on the ladder, so be thankful. but that doesn't really mean anything in the grand scheme of things.

pag na-fulfill ang "promise" ng isang promising, yun ang bongga. pag nakalagpas ka sa first rung of the ladder, yun ang astig. lots of people have talent, but talent isn't enough.

arghh. just rambling.

* * *

sabi ng isang ex-classmate, "happy ka naman?"
sabi ko, "oo". with a smile.
sabi nya, "feeling ko, magiging direktor ka rin"
despite my disclaimers, i found myself smiling. pleased. hopeful.
"talaga? gut feel mo?"
she nodded.
looking back, naisip ko, ano nga ba ang pwede nyang isagot sa isang napaka-hopeful na "talaga? gut feel mo?" kundi isang convincing na "oo". kasi parang nakaka-burst nga naman ng bubble pag sumagot ka ng "hindi". haha.

* * *

i'm glad i met an old friend the other day. shet. miss ko na ang old friends.
kumain kami sa isang resto. this old friend, with a new friend, and another who could probably be a future friend. masaya naman, kahit maigsi lang. haha.

there are times when i would wish that things would go back the way they used to be. sa ibang friends. iba kasi pag bata pa kayo. wala kayong masyadong care sa mundo. mahilig pa kayong maglakwatsa. personally, limitado na lang ang social life ko ngayon sa jowa, workmates, at panaka-nakang meet-ups with friends. bigla ko tuloy na-miss mag-bar o mag-disco (ulp, so 90s, the term). magsasayaw like there's no tomorrow. uminom sa labas at makipagchochalan sa mga utaw. magfield-trip sa isang bagong gimik spot with fellow neophytes. magvideoke na parang lasing (kahit hindi lasing). makipagkulitan sa mga kaibigan na game makipagkulitan din sa yo. magtawanan lang nang magtawanan sa isang carpool of classmates, hanggang sa sumakit ang tiyan nyo. kiligin with girlfriends habang dinidiscuss ang mga crushes nyo.

miss ko ang mga ganun. masaya silang add-ons sa life. pero happy na rin ako, bro. happy naman po talaga, knock on wood. siguro nga habang tumatanda kailangan mong pakawalan ang ilang bagay sa buhay mo. like yung mga chances para gawin ang mga bagay na dati ay magagawa mo dahil bata ka pa at less ang responsibilities mo. kasi ngayon, isipin ko pa lang na gumimik, nanghihinayang na ko sa moolah. ipapambayad ko na lang yun ng kuryente. hehe.

eee. so i'm poor. but i won't be poor forever. *evil laugh*

hay! ang sarap mag-blog pagkatapos ng homework!
ang sarap gumawa ng kahit ano pagkatapos ng homework!
syet! napaka-opitmistic ko! mamamatay na ba ko?!

wee. morning has broken! ang hyper ko pa.

* * *

mabuti na lang si kris allen ang nanalo. dumagdag tuloy ang pogi points nya sa mga mata ko. fame can be a great beautifier. fame and power. ewan ko na lang kung it applies to girls as well. it sure applies to guys, as far as i'm concerned. lalo na't kras ko na si kris allen ever since idol began.

shet si hayden kho! just by looking at him, hindi mo iisipin na kinky ang hayup. mukha kasing little boy ang mga mata. syet, don't tell me nagkaka-kras ako sa kanya. EUUUW.
ka-birthday sya ng boyfriend ko. sabi ko sa boyfriend ko, HOY! KUNG MAGKAUGALI KAYO, I SWEAR TO YOU...!!! note lang, i said this way before his sex videos came out. so i wasn't referring to hayden's being kinky. i was referring to his being unfaithful (to vicky belo).

syempre, ang sagot nya: kung ako si hayden kho, ikaw si biiky belo. hah! feeling funny sya!
eh...to quote my headwriter: "dear, dear, dear...s'ya nga itong mataba e." haha. ang sarap ulit-ulitin nito sa kanya everytime tutuksuhin nya ko ng "mataba".

okay, try ko na matulog. i'm a vampire for punishment.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

happy 29th, my bosobear

kahit inobliga ka ng boss mo na pumasok this morning.
kahit inobliga ka ng nanay mo na asikasuhin ang maysakit mong aso.
sana, happy ang natitirang mga oras ng birthday mo.
sana, nagustuhan mo kahit papano ang choco mousse cake na "surprise" ko sa yo.

you're the icing on my cake. life is so much sweeter. knock on wood, wag sanang magbago. :-)

knock on wood

i pray for beautiful days ahead.
thanking god na natapos ang lockin nang maaga.
na mas maaga kaming makakapagsimulang magsulat, at magiging free ang weekend.
thanking god dahil tinupad ang isang panalangin kagabi.
na naging potent ang impotent.
na naging malaya ang feeling frozen.
na nadadaan sa thoughts and prayers ang mga apprehensions.
thank you uli, bro!

* * *

one more thing to be thankful about: nakabawas na naman ako ng utang. paunti-unting nabubunot ang tinik. hopefully, by june or july, debt-free na ko. :-)

* * *

ako ang nagsulat nung ipapalabas this sunday. purely by me. yey. sana maganda kahit puro drama. waah. sana matawid naman ang thought na "yes, i'm dying" papunta sa "by the way, i'm your father" nang swabe. haha.

thank you lord, for friends and work.

sana din matapos ko ang script na ito by friday night. wednesday, thursday, then friday night. more time to write. 23 sequences. wahoo. sana, sana. para makapaglakwatsa at makapag-"angels and demons" sa linggo o sabado.

thank you lord for days off.

* * *

gusto kong bumili ng bagong laptop. kaso di ko pa ma-afford. sana ma-afford ko soon. sana, by june or july. kahit credit card. or okay na yung 20K na laptop, basta matino.

* * *

hindi ko na kras si arkin.
may isang instance na parang biglang naglaho ang kras ko sa kanya.
one time na bumisita kami sa taping, binuking ako sa kanya ng AD nila. in front of everyone. "galingan mo, ayun yung mga writers o, crush na crush ka nila." (mabuti na lang hindi ako siningle-out. eh ako lang naman ang may crush sa kanya)

the arkin in my mind would've been a bit embarrassed. kahit papano, kahit kaunti. the arkin in my mind would probably even blush. but the real guy reacted with a pa-swabeng flying kiss--the "I'm Not Surprised You're Into Me and I'm God's Gift to You" kind. or so it seemed to me. na sobrang kina-turn off ko. because that's not my arkin. that's not how i would make him act, if i were the director of the movie in my mind.

when my co-writer and i said goodbye, he flitted and flirted like a typical showbiz guy, like being host to a couple of fans in one of thos man-on-the-street interviews. there was something...VJ-ish about him that i can't even articulate now. there was something that was just...missing, something that i had (mistakenly?) seen on the night that he became My Arkin. well. bubble burster. he really is just a little boy. how can i have possibly thought that he, at 19, would be able to deal with the fame in a more mature, more grounded way. how could i have possibly expected him to be the Arkin in my mind. ni hindi ko naman talaga sya kilala. artista lang sya. nakyutan lang ako sa kanya.

oh well. that movie in my mind starring the idealized him still remains my favorite movie to date.
* * *

i'm sleepy.
hungry.
feeling bloated.
thirsty.
wanting to start working.

* * *

kaya yan. kahit 6 sequences tonight.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

4:18 am

i just want to say, thank you god.
for everything and nothing in particular.
for the work-free weekend ahead of me (knock on wood).
for work that i enjoy.
for sweet little inspirations.
for comfy real loves.
for the internet.
for those wonderful moments that i savor right after the work is done.
for my keanna.
for first vitaplus.
for my bed.
for the weather.

thank you po. i should always remember to tell you that.

* * *


keanu is just so cute. still so cute, after all this years.
and, like everyone else who used to be my crush (minus a few exceptions), he will always have a special place in my heart. chos. cliche, but true. :-)

and i'm happy to know that he's playing jekyll and hyde in the film adaptation soon. love that story. it haunts and intrigues me. so sure, if i'm going to be objective, i can pick about half a dozen actors off the top of my head who would probably bring more "justice" to that classic role. but i won't, because I WANT THE ROLE TO BE PLAYED BY KEANU!

now why didn't i think of having him play this role in my fairy tales back then? the me-who-isn't-really-me could co-star with him. and on the set of this movie, they will fall in love. she'll bring out the "hyde" in the jekyll that is keanu. a mushy-wushy, romantic, head-over-heels in love kind of hyde. haha.

* * *

1 day to go before b0yst0wn day. i didn't write the pilot episode but i'm excited just the same. not only because of arkin (promise!), but because all of us in the team were part of the story-building process. which means every episode, kahit hindi kami ang nagsulat, may input kami somehow. in bits and pieces. yun ang love ko sa ganito. at yun din ang love ko sa b0yst0wn. because from the drawing board to the final draft, we can honestly claim ownership. we can honestly say it came from us. almost purely from us, minus other people's revisions.

kaya, hurray b0yst0wn!
hurray arkin!
you're so cute, arkin!
beso me next time, wag mo nang kakalimutan!
let's have a decent pic together! and hug me in the pic, like we're close friends!

yan ang magiging short term goal ko. ang magkaroon ng decent pic with him. nasa mother network daw sila bukas. hay. ampathetic naman kung para akong groupie na susunod-sunod sa kanya.

nah...i guess hindi ko pa sya ganun kamahal. hehe.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

i love rainy nights...

but it's disturbing, because it's only may.
pero thinking of the short term, i'm pleased. that it's a rainy night, because i love working on rainy nights.

hay. bukas na ang deadline. kaya yan kung sa kaya. pero nasa b0yst0wn pa rin ang isip ko. dapat nagbabalik-k@torse na ko ngayon. dapat sundan ko na ang pagdadalaga at pagdadalantao ni nene. kailangan na syang magkamuwang sa mundo, apihin, at magpakamartir. pero ibang storya ang tumatakbo sa utak ko. love story ng isang boy at isang girl in an alternate universe. isang boy na halaw sa totoong tao but with a few minor tweaks sa kanyang pagkatao. isang girl na ako-pero-hindi-ako, ako sa puso at isip pero pinanganak sa ibang mundo at ibang-iba ang buhay sa buhay ko ngayon. sa alternate universe na yon, isang fairy tale ang magaganap, kasing-sweet at kasing-ideal at kasing-romantic ng fairy tale na tumatakbo sa utak ni nene nung perstaym syang halikan ng childhood love nyang si gabby.

masaya sana kung summer ang setting, para may beach. magsu-surfing lang sila. magliliwaliw sa white-sand shores ng bora. but this rainy night has changed all that. parang mas romantic pag maulan. mas malamig, mas cuddly, mas cold and comfy. mas pure. hay. lagi ko na lang ginagawa to. pag alam kong hindi pwede sa totoong buhay, lagi akong may alternate universe. in the landscape of my dreams, kahit ano posible. ang bading, nagiging straight. ang bata, tumatanda. ang imperfect, nagiging perfect. at ako, pwedeng magpalit ng pagkatao/itsura/background depende sa kung ano ang babagay na heroine sa love story. hindi ako nalilimitahan sa kung ano ako sa totoong buhay.

having said that, ngayon pwede na kong magtrabaho. :-)

Sunday, May 03, 2009

american beauty

feeling ko tuloy, ako yung character ni kevin spacey dun. si lester. not in the sense na hindi ako happy sa buhay ko (because i am, thank god), but in the sense na bigla akong naging nostalgic about my youth. and in the scheme of things now, in the current state of things, he somehow stands for the youth that i so miss now. it's a youth that i cannot say i lost--29 isn't all that old--but something that i just miss.

haha. crazy.

it's not healthy.

it's a stage. it'll pass.

Friday, May 01, 2009

matronic madness

promise, ito na ang last time. hindi ko na ifi-feed. hindi na ko magso-stalk sa net. hindi ko sya ia-add sa fb o prenster o whathaveyou (i think magiging foul na yun...kasi parang gumagawa na ko ng move. haha). hindi ko na iisipin. ida-dump ko na dito lahat ng thoughts ko on the matter and file them away, never to be retrieved again.

kasi, pangit din naman na mabaliw-baliw si bosobear over angel locsin. or marian rivera. or cristine reyes. di ko din naman magugustuhan yon, kahit sabihin pa nating mga artista sila at "hindi totoong tao". kaya iwas-karma na lang--at iwas guilt--ngayong gabi na ang simula ng pagtatapos ng aking short-lived crush kay "arkin". just let me rant a little bit more.

ang weird, kasi ngayon ko lang naman sya napansin. nanood naman ako ng big night ng peebeebee celeb noon kung san sya kasali. nanonood naman ako ng music channel kung saan sya nagviveejay. may isang beses nga noon na boses pa lang nya ang narinig ko sa tv (di ko pa nareconcile yung boses with the name), and i immediately assumed na klosetang bakla yung nagsasalita. haha. so for a short period i was convinced na isa na namang ka-pederazyon ang batang 'to.

ang weird, kasi ngayon lang ako natuwa sa kanya, nung naa-associate ko sya with the character he's playing in our show. well. partly. but i think it had more to do with the fact that he can be actually sweet, in person. hindi yung polite-sweet as is usual among artistas, yung alam mong kahit maganda ang pakitungo sa 'yo, may wall pa rin. siya, hindi ganun. at least, nung gabing dumalaw kami sa set. haha.

dapat talaga nagpapicture ako e. tsk.

rico yan kasi sya. yun ang appeal nya. boyishly charming. siya yung tipo na gusto mong i-mother. na pag malungkot, gusto mong i-comfort. kulang na lang, magsuot sya ng "Hug Me" signboard sa leeg.

bentang-benta pa naman sa kin yung mga ganong tipo. parang gusto ko na namang kumanta ng "tell me where it hurts" all owber ageyn. waah. sorry boso. kras lang naman e. between arkin and you, syempre, no contest. allow me a little harmless kapechayan lang this once.

i heart arkin! sana makapagpapicture ako with him nang maayos-ayos before the show's taping period ends!

ok. so tonight tapos na ang matronic period ko. kaya tinodo ko na. nag-research ako nang konti sa internet. magdo-doktor pala sya. shet, kung ganyan naman ka-adorable ang doktor ko, parang magkaka-hypochondria ako. ar-neeyan sya (lam ko na yon noon pa) pero ngayon ko lang na-realize that he looks best in blue. at mas bagay sa kanya ang medyo mahaba-habang buhok, as against semi-kal. haha.

awww. he's just a little boy. ngayon naiintindihan ko na kung bakit pinagpipilitan ng mga tao na gawin syang bida sa show namin kahit wala naman syang acting experience na matino. he's so adorable it's horrible.

okay. enough matronic madness. i'm dumping out all this shit here and going back to my normal 29-year-old mode. HAHA. 29 na pala 'ko? akala ko katorse.