Tuesday, November 28, 2006

and it's a highway, my way

still in the express zone. happy, happy.

happenings of the past four days:

friday. november 24. our last shooting day for the Direk's Landslide Film. i loved seeing the Direk again. i love the Direk, period. not without the usual frustrations, of course, but it isn't like i've never had that kind of heartbreak before. haha.

i'm so in awe of him, and so afraid that he would sense it, that i couldn't even chat him up. kakainis. parang hayskul na nagdadalaga. hindi si direk ha, ako. :-D

and so ang resulta, para akong miss congeniality doon pagdating sa lahat. except sya. hay. what's new. i know i can never be friends with someone i'm in extreme awe of. my being stalwart-struck always gets in the way. i can never treat someone like the Direk as a friend, as an equal. funny how someone who's so down-to-earth and so seemingly simple can still be so intimidating to me.

he says he always visits my fwendster page. shet. sana hindi na lang nya sinabi, kasi natuwa ako masyado. at naiiinis ako dahil natuwa ako masyado. dahil kahit alam kong wala namang ibig sabihin yon, natutuwa pa rin ako sa idea na existing ako sa kanya.

saturday, november 25.
cinem@laya semi-finalists orientation at the CCP. a colleague's material got into the semi-finals and he wanted me to direct it. as i sat there with thirty-or-so other film aspirants i couldn't felp but feel a sense of de ja vu. i've been through this last year, but with a different partner.

i could sense a lot of hope and anxiety in that room. but i'm not surprised that i don't feel a lot of anxiety. a good measure of hope, yes, but i've learned my lesson from totong hilot (our semi-finals entry last year). this year i'm taking these things in stride.

good to see a lot of familiar faces in that room, though: my UP classmate rian (who's also been asked to direct another semi-finalist), the UF0 peeps (j@de, emm@n, em0ng lee), indie filmmakers paul0 villalun@ and chr1s manjar3s, and kastk1 flor3s who used to be the fair-haired girl in one mainstream film company whom i worked for.

hahay. indie is so "in" these days, it will probably end up being the new mainstream.

after a sumptuous dinner by the docks, i went straight to the dubbing of the Horror Movie in makati. i hate sitting through dubbing sessions. one of the things i don't like about the script girl's job. went home at 2 in the morning.

sunday, november 26.
prepared paperwork all day and night for a meeting with the TV show peeps the next day. i was sleepless all night.

monday, november 27.
went to the meeting with finished paperwork. meeting stretched all day. 2nd taping day was scheduled on december 6. one of the perks of this job is that they are sooo nice, they adjust the taping date according to my availability. i really should give back just as much, for everything i've been given.

9 pm. i lost my friggin wallet. damn. i think someone took it. in haste. sayang yung PhP 1K na nire-resist ko pa namang gastahin. naiinis ako sa mga magnanakaw. grrr!

after the meeting i headed to the Baguio Bold Movie's office in Boni to talk with the director about the film's opening credits. the film is currently in audio postproduction.

initially Direk I.E. and the producer had wanted me to do the concept for the film's opening titles. weird, kasi anubayun, di ba dapat sa script level pa lang pinag-isipan na yun ng writer, para kung me kelangang i-shoot na images exclusively for opening titles nagawa na sana namin. owell.

on the other hand, i was flattered. that they trust me enough to want to give me the responsibility. eventually, the producer texted me that the production house itself had volunteered to do the title credits on an X-deal. whatever that means. a relief for me. sayang yung TF, pero gumaan talaga ang pakiramdam ko.

dahil gusto ko munang magpahinga sandali. kahit isang araw lang. na hindi magtatrabaho, o lalabas ng bahay para gawin ang pinapagawa sakin.

last night, out of the blue, Baguio Bold Movie's Associate Direk, AA, asked me: "Saffron, personal question. Girl ka ba?"

that made me almost burst into laughter. because that wasn't the first time that someone actually asked if i was lesbian. anuba! just because i'm aloof towards those hetero sons-of-adam doesn't mean i'm into chicks. ehe.

kainis, kasi during our Baguio shoot, crush ko tong Associate Direk namin for, like, two days. now two years ago another crush of mine, the Artsy Fartsy Guy, had asked me the same "are you lesbian?" question. argh! napaka-clueless ng mga lalake! either that, o ako ang sobrang clueless pagdating sa Sining ng Pamemechay. the guys i like end up thinking i'm lesbian and disinterested.


Thursday, November 23, 2006

things that make you go "awww"

there are things that make you go "aww", in spite of yourself. even if love (or its lesser equivalents) is the farthest from your mind at the moment.

like one particular blog entry by my friend waterfowl. the one about that one self-directed question. asan na kaya sya ngayon? aww...bwiset.

maybe love does happen, ally. but the question is if it would happen to everybody.

ehe. sobrang gasgas nang topic. at alam naman nating walang makakasagot sa tanong na yan. personally, though, it's not a concern at the moment. there are other priorities. but we know the usual drawbacks of Single Blessedness. we know that moments do come. when all of a sudden you would miss someone, or wish that you were missing someone. when all of a sudden you'd be tempted to wonder--even if, at the back of your mind, you know there might not be an answer--kung nasan na nga kaya sya.

hay. nasan na nga kaya sya?

just an idle question on a sleepy night.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

seven-day express

finally, time to breathe! :-)

but i know i have to write about the windang-acious happenings of the past seven days here. cause in the future i might realize that those seven days were actually the most exciting days of my life. hmm. wag pa sana. prayin' for more exciting, happy times ahead.

on optimist mode tayo ngayon? hehe. here goes my whirlwind week...

November 12, Sunday. the horror film for r3gal was wrapped by 8am. six shooting days of living the vampire's life, done! we were working all afternoon and night and would be dead asleep all day. that day was The Last but strangely it didn't feel like the typical Last Day for me. no celebratory mood that would usually prevail over the entire staff and crew. kahit ako, na kadalasang tinatablan ng Last Day High, parang...wala lang.

that doesn't mean i didn't enjoy doing this project, though. siguro may mga project lang talaga na mas special kesa sa iba.

after wrapup i went straight home, took a catnap, hastily packed my bags for a remaining-3-day shoot outtatown for another feature film. at 1 in the afternoon i was on my way to Baguio. sadly i had to forego attending the one-night-only screening of our short film at the Cin3m@nila because the staff needed to leave manila before dark. oh well. work is work, dangit.

we arrived in baguio around 10 in the evening. the air was crisp and cold and carried the scent of night blossoms and pines. a balm for the senses. i've always loved shooting in baguio. two years ago was the first time i had a shoot there and it was one of the most fulfilling, memorable moments in my young film laborer's history.

and so i was back--lacking in sleep, somekinda exhausted, but psyched up to make this adventure equally memorable as the one i had in 2004.

November 13, Monday. we were staying in a chalet-type of house in the outskirts of the city and the view from the backyard was simply beautiful.

i was glad to see a couple of familiar faces in the team. our makeup artist from the Cebu project, and our schedule master (now a production designer!) from the Fil-Am indie project. the world is gettin a-smaller!

Day One of Three. one director, one associate director, no assistant director, and a floor production assistant that was almost always missing (duh). so i ended up juggling three jobs. lugi ako kung tutuusin but i didn't mind. i liked doing the AD's job. i liked being in charge (mwahaha!). syempre hindi ko magagawa yon kung may official AD. Day One and i was already training myself for the next step up the industry ladder.

one of the locations where we shot a bulk of scenes was a bar in the city. seeing all these young people milling about the bar, ready to go about town on their gimik night, bigla kong na-miss gumimik. it had been months!

after one steamy sex scene at the backseat of a car (hay! this one merits a separate entry), we were wrapped for the day. si associate direk, who was my immediate superior, was asking if i wanted to be his AD for his debut film. yipee! op kors direk! excited ako sa possibility pero syempre cool lang kunyari ("Ok po," in all casual bravura). nagpaka-pretensyosa para hindi naman masyadong tawaran ang beauty ko pagdating sa talent fee negotiations. hahaha!

honestly, though, i would've done these things for peanuts if there was absolutely no cash to be dispensed. pero syempre sana may cash. haha! lord, sana matuloy yung debut film ni direk! sana sana!

November 14, Tuesday. Day Two of Three. shooting in the mountains. the bloodiest of all days. having to deal with tantrums of artistas (hehe, buti na lang kebs ako sa mga drama-dramahang ganyan), the lack of two-way radios on the set (para kaming mga tarzan don na nagsisigawan from one bundok to another), the rapidly setting sun, and other production deficiencies (indie daw ito e! kaya excusable daw! haha). despite everything we managed to finish a bulk of the schedule. it was on this day, after shooting a blow-job scene on the mountainside, that i stumbled upon a major realization. but that's another story. ;-)

when we packed up at midnight, it as freezing cold. yosi and each other were our only sources of warmth (imagine, kahit kape wala! kasi ang indie prod daw, indie nagpapakape, hehe). thank god i brought enough stacks of my menthols from manila, cause i wouldn't have liked resorting to the alternative option just to keep me warm (gwrrrl!?!). nag-iisa lang akong girl sa staff (na halos puros lalake) kaya initially intimidating ang setup, but i eventually felt at home with everyone. at behaved ako althroughout, kahit na uber-hunky pa ang mga artista namin, hahaha!

November 15, Wednesday. Day Three of Three. schedule was tight. i enjoyed this day the most. we were shuttling from one location to another, from the caves to a university in the city to a cemetary near the Benguet border. the nastiest of all the sex scenes was shot on this day. arghh. na-donselya na ang mga mata ko, grabe talaga! we raced across baguio to catch magic hour (sunset) at the cemetary location, which looked absolutely HEAVENLY at sunset.

we wrapped the day--and the movie--by 8 in the evening. thank yous abound, but this group wasn't a senti team. was feeling senti, though, for reasons that i didn't like. hay nako. tigilan na. at least someone blew me a kiss when i least expected it. haha, pechay!

at 10 in the evening i was on my way back to manila. i had more or less seven hours to prepare for another shoot.

November 16, Thursday. went home to change into fresh clothes then i was back on the road, this time to Dasmarinas, Cavite. we were going to shoot the spiels for the pilot episode of our tv show. i was out of it, unbelievably drained, but i had to hack this day. throughout the three-day shoot in baguio this project had been at the back of my mind. i was going to be director, and yet inuuna ko pa yung ibang projects. the hectic schedule in baguio had made it impossible for me to submit the remaining 75% of the script. and now, i was going to come to the cavite shoot sleepless and exhausted.

of all days, the heavens had chosen that day for a rainy afternoon. we were stalled for two hours. at the end of the day, we didn't finish eveything in the schedule. i felt horrible. i knew my creative partner was pissed at me, and he had reason to.

guilt, guilt. the worst feeling in the world.

on my way home, still blaming myself for the unfulfilled shooting schedule for the day, a text message came from the line producer of the Baguio indie film project: saffron, thank you so much for your dedication and support. hope to work with you again soon. it came just at the right time, pero gusto ko ring matawa sa discrepancy na napansin ko sa sarili ko. kasi sobrang obvious kung ano yung projects na ginagawa ko for sheer passion at yung projects na ginagawa ko for money. kung pera ang sukatan, mas madaling mag-prioritize ng mga bagay-bagay. pero mas masarap magtrabaho kung mahal mo yung ginagawa mo, kung nakikita mo ang sarili mo na nasa working environment pa rin na yon twenty, thirty years from now.

unfair. sa creative partner ko, who's brimming with plans for the future of the show, whose passion for what he's doing can probably top my passion for making films. unfair talaga, na hindi ko ibigay ang dapat kong ibigay. even if i don't see myself still being in the show two, three years from now.

who knows. di natin masabi. masaya naman, kaso merong mas masayang gawin. pero yun nga, the Law of Alchemy. you gotta give some to get some. especially if you've already been given. you have to fulfill your part of the bargain.

November 17, Friday. met with two of our actors from the Baguio project for a fashion show-cum-bikini-competition racket that was going to happen the next day. nakakaloka ang timeframe, kinabukasan na ang show, nung gabi ko pa lang na yon nalaman ang mga detalye. eventually naisip ko na lang na bahala na si Batman. at si Lord. at least the location would be in Subic. I love Subic. reminds me of those Kilig Reality Show Days. tsaka malapit sa dagat. I love the dagat! haha.

November 18, Saturday. it was a day of first times, and thankfully, it ended well. uber-ngarag ako on the way home. ngarag pero masaya. and uber, uber-thankful. cause a prayer has been granted. hindi na july ang favorite whirlwind month ko for 2006. november na!

hehe. wouldn't want to speak too soon, though. may nine days pang natitira. lord sana masaya lahat. :-)

Sunday, November 19, 2006

first time series 2 : fashion show

november 18, saturday. perstaym kong nagdirek ng isang fashion show. nung unang in-offer sakin yung trabaho, akala ko, nagpapatawa yung organizer. ano bang alam ko sa fashion show? hanggang panonood lang ng Lifestyle network ang alam ko sa mga ganyang bagay, ni hindi pa nga ako naka-attend ng actual fashion show sa tanang life ko.

pero hindi sya nagpapatawa, seryoso sya, at napag-isip-isip ko rin na hindi dapat tinatanggihan ang grasya at opportunities na literally eh hinahain na sa hapagkainan mo. so sabi ko, ok go.

one night only at the Boardwalk, Subic Bay.
lalo akong na-excite kasi out-of-town sya, at malapit sa dagat. i love the sea. i love going on-location. on the eve of the show saka ko pa lang nalaman ang mga detalye. hindi lang pala sya fashion show, parang bikini competition din. bikini open, ba. ok. ano bang alam ko sa bikini competitions? bottom line is, live show sya. at least familiar na ko sa live shows. kahit na mukhang disorganisado ang grupong to, at least napa-oo ko sila sa talent fee na hinihingi ko. kahit kulang sa oras, kahit mukhang first time din ng organizer na kumarir ng ganitong racket (model kasi sya na sume-segue na sa pagiging events organizer), ang sabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, "para lang akong magdidirek ng variety show para sa broadcom class. how hard can it be?"

haha. i was wrong.

6 in the evening, Subic Bay.
i was close to hyperventilating. syempre hindi ko pinapahalata, pero abot-langit ang pangangamba ko. hindi pa bihis lahat ng mga models. hindi pa plantsado ang blocking ko sa kanila. hindi pa printed out ang sequence outline/script. hindi pa tapos ang rehearsals namin pero dahil alas-6 na kelangan na nilang magbihis. punyeta, nagdasal na lang ako! lord kayo na lang bahala, sana lang hindi kami magkalat mamaya.

naiinis ako sa organizer dahil hindi nya diniscuss ang project sakin earlier. naiinis ako dahil 24 hours lang ang binigay nya sa king oras para maghanda. naiinis ako dahil sabi nya alas-10 ng gabi magsisimula ang show, pero alas-8 naman pala. naiinis ako dahil nilagay nya ko sa ganitong sitwasyon, pero wala kong panahon para mainis at that time, marami pang dapat isipin.

7 in the evening. Boardwalk stage. bini-brief ko ang host na syang magdadala ng buong show, kung sakaling magkagulo-gulo ang blocking ng mga models sa stage. yung host, naka-tshirt lang na black na may brand pa yata ng beer sa harap, para bang hinugot lang kung saang talyer (hahaha oo masama ako). as i prattled on about what was going to be the flow of the show i gravely wondered if this guy would be able to pull it off. bahala na.

pero nung nagsalita na sa microphone is manong host, para syang nag-transform. ang ganda ng boses, parang dj. pag pumikit ka, hindi mo maiimagine yung manong na parang taga-talyer. pati english diction, karir. ok, nakahinga ako don. at least hindi ko na sya poproblemahin.

9 in the evening. nag-start na ang show. in attendance ang governor ng subic. kaloka. as the show went on naalala kong bigla yung brief stint ko sa Da Haus at sa Kilig Show nung unang panahon. buti na lang may experience ako sa live shows. marami pa ring sabit althroughout the show but somehow we were able to pull it off. it could've been way way better pero happy enough na ko natapos din ang gabi.

backstage i met with the Head of the Committee who had commissioned our event organizer to mount the fashion show. ang laking tinik na nabunot sa dibdib ko when he told me that he was "more than satisfied". punyeta! promise? i searched his face for any sign that he was just bullshittin me. i couldn't tell. and it drove me crazy!

but i got a definitive answer at the end of the night, nung nagbibigayan na ng talent fees. binigyan nya ko ng bonus. haha, yey! nawala nang tuluyan ang pagod ko. all of a sudden gusto kong magpaiwan sa subic at gumimik til dawn. gusto kong mag-videoke. gusto kong maligo sa dagat kahit gabi!

12 midnight. the models and the staff trooped to the nearest dining place for late dinner. perstaym ko din na makipag-hangout sa mga mowdels! haha. ako yata ang pinakamatanda sa grupong yon. lahat sila halos mga teenagers or in their early twenties.

we arrived in manila at 4 in the morning. a hectic stress-filled day, but all was well that ended well. i went home tired but smiling. i guess this project just about caps a hectic seven-day dalliance-with-the-whirlwind for me. i'm looking forward to doin more stuff like this, and other stuff for the movies as well, but i'd be glad enough for a momentary breather for the next two days, somehow. bumming at home. eating. sleeping. wathching dvds. reminiscing on the events of the past seven days. and smiling althroughout.


Saturday, November 11, 2006

sense of time, speed of light

urgent. hazy. multitudinous.
life's like that these days. that's how i felt when i woke up this afternoon. phone ringing, reminding me of some meeting to go to, a meeting i'd forgotten i had, and didn't have the energy to go to at that moment.

felt bad, really. when i found out that the meeting had BEEN today. and realized that the script deadline for the trip-trip-lang tv show on-the-brew WAS today. because i needed to be at that meeting. and i didn't want to miss that deadline. but i was out of it. tao lang.

windang. ngarag. over a multitude of things to do.

so i rushed it tonight. planning on an installment, just in time for the grind date on the 16th. because i'd have no time for it in the next few days. rushed it, my bloodstream pumping an assortment of (legit) uppers. guilt can drive you towards action sometimes. especially when they've already paid you for the job you're supposed to do.

i love the whirlwind. but the whirlwind unraveled me a bit too much today.

been shooting all night every other night for the past few days. it does wonders to you. reversing your time clock anew, and with a couple of things in mind still. a coupla things to do for another project, which is actively on preproduction, which required your immediate attention. somethin you shouldn't neglect or take for granted, because it just might be your bread-and-butter after the currently grinding projects are gone. so i was a bit miffed at myself for a moment for the meeting that i'd forgotten to attend, but i lightened up easily. because i'm past 25% of the written work and i only need a day to finish the 75%. and the only available day is on sunday.

time warped. i often lose my sense of time these days. especially when i'm tired and up all night. and when it comes to deadlines. or birthdays.

but i'm happy. somekinda. because there's so many things to thank god for these days. my short film is playin at the cinem@nil@. i'm meeting new people almost everyday. and on sunday night i'm goin to baguio.

last day shoot for the horror project tomorrow, finishing off the script whole day of sunday, the cinem@nil@ screening of our film sunday night, then i'm off, off to the city of pines for a new adventure. and apart from the adventure, i'm glad about the unexpected extra moolah that'll come this way as well.

three days in the mines, with new people and a new team. hoping, praying, that at least a few of these new acquaintances will help me get another film made. in one way or another. praying for serendipitous perks for the future. as i grow older in this line of job i realize that the world gets smaller as well. maybe it's because it's a small industry. a fwendster industry, connecting its laborers to the umpth degree.

excited. about baguio. i love shooting outside of the metro. after three days i'll be back and heading straight to the shoot of the tv project. good luck to me, miss i'll-try-to-bite-off-more-than-i-can-chew-and-pray-for-good-outcomes. i hope i didn't overestimate my stamina and multi-tasking abilities this time.

i wish i'd have christmas reserved for personal thingies. i wish i'd get a vacation by then. but i want to make that film. at all costs. and the tv show will be taking away my time. and i'll be taking away money from them as well, in exchange. haha.

speaking of personal thingies i wonder how the Direk is doing now. haven't seen him in a while, and i dunno if i'll be seeing him anytime soon. memories and the idealizing mind can only do so much. and fwendster doesn't give you all that you want to know.

isn't it funny, though, when this happens to you: you meet someone new, and you realize you've developed a little crush on him--if only for the evening, just for kicks--and the next day he tells you that he thinks he has a crush on you? heehee. i find it funny because it rarely happens to me. something mutual springing up from one chance encounter, even if it's somethin as frivolous as a "somekinda" crush.

haha. cute. time to go back to the urgent-hazy-multitudinous life.

Friday, November 03, 2006

freezeframe (or things i'd only tell my shrink, if i had one)

i love collecting memories. siguro kasi mas naaappreciate ko ang isang experience o pangyayari only when it's no longer part of the present. delayed ako lagi by one light year pagdating sa appreciation ng mga ganyan. minsan mari-realize ko na lang na masaya pala ako pag nakalipas na yung moment at hindi na ko masaya. hahaha! ang lungkot no. kaya para hindi naman ako dehado, nire-relive ko na lang sa utak ko. pwede ko pang i-rewind, i-pause, i-fastforward na parang pelikula.

lately ang laking tulong ng pictures sa memory collection ko. moments on a freezeframe. proof that you’ve lived through a particular experience. visual aid sa pagre-reminisce mo. i love taking pictures! para kang may ikatlong mata, at bongga ka dahil ang third eye mo, may recording capability. lately nga nagiging OA ang pagpipeechure-peechure ko. minsan pati damo, putik o maduming sapatos ng katrabaho ko, napapagdiskitahan ko. lalo na nung time na nagshu-shooting kami sa bundok, para sa project ni Direk. para bang halos bawat sandali gusto kong hulihin at isilid sa bulsa ko. kasi alam ko na pagkatapos ng shoot, sobrang matutuwa ako pag binabalikan ko na yung mga pictures. everything will come back in a flood. and everything will look golden, on hindsight.

naa-amuse ako sa reaksyon ng mga tao pag nakatutok sa kanila ang kamera, pag alam nilang pinipiktyuran sila. Karamihan, nagiging self-conscious, may-i-tuck-a-lock-of-hair-behind-the-ears ang drama, o biglang nagiging stiff na di mo mawari. yung iba naman, kunwari deadma, at malalaman mong "kunwari" lang kasi nagiging OA ang pagka-seryoso o pagkapormal. Meron din namang iba na medyo showbiz o "bakla" kaya game mag-pose. at meron ding sadyang camera-shy talaga, yung ayaw talagang magpa-picture at alam mong hindi ito kyeme o pagkukunwari lang. ito yung mga taong bigla na lang aalis at mawawala sa frame pag na-sense na nilang nakatutok sa direksyon nila ang (candid) camera. haha.

favorite kong piktyuran yung mga ganong tipo. napaka-elusive kasi nila. para bang pag nakakuha ka ng shot that would capture a nuance that is unique in that person alone, solved ka na. ika-kwadro mo na. well, sorta. kasi ganon siguro ang magiging feeling ko kung makakuha ko ng isang uber-gandang candid shot ni Direk. hahaha! (oo, kaya ko kinukwento to kasi gusto ko lang syang banggitin, kaya pwede ka na ring tumigil sa pagbabasa. ;-P)

dahil sa hilig kong magkolekta ng memories kaya ako nag-imbento ng virtual Time Capsules (na binabanggit-banggit ko na sa blog na to dati). sa ngayon dalawa pa lang ang Time Capsules ko--a bundle of happy memories, each involving a certain person--at malamang eh madadagdagan pa kung mabubuhay pa ko nang matagal.

sa Time Capsule #1 nakasilid lahat ng favorite kong memories about Frog Princess (siguro sya na yung closest to a "first love" na matuturing ko so far...haha kainis, pathetic). salamat sa kanya, nakapagsulat ako ng sandamukal na happy-sad bittersweet pseudo-poetic blog entires last year. natatawa na lang ako pag binabasa ko uli ngayon yung mga entries na yon, pero at that time, mangiyak-ngiyak pa ko nung sinusulat ko ang mga yon. haha, drama queen ito.

nabuo ang Time Capsule #2 because of an onslaught of novel experiences. first-times, baga. of the wholesome, bubblegum-romantic nature. not necessarily because of the person involved. ewan. di ko na lang isusulat, kasi di pa naman sarado ang Time Capsule na to. marami pa nga kong maidadagdag from the past few months.

i don't make a big deal about the little things that this person has done for me (or for himself?), but i vividly remember them all. and every happy memory automatically goes to TC#2.

happy, happy. my favorite word.

happy memories lang ang kinokolekta ko. feeling ko coping mechanism na rin. to maintain a relatively light disposition. to dilute the natural intensity. na-discover ko sa sarili ko na may mga katotohanan palang hindi ko gugustuhing malaman. o kung alam ko na, mas gugustuhin ko na lang na kalimutan.

deny, ignore, detach, let go. Familiar items in the survival kit. Ampangit no, kasi parang nag-eevolve ako into someone who would rather live in blind, ignorant bliss.

but I’m thankful for the fact that no matter how strongly i turn away from certain truths, there will still always be a part of me that, well, Knows. A part of me that is Fully Aware. Of the real deal. Of what it is, in black and white. that's why despite all the characteristically "crazy" things i've said and done in the past 26 years i can still say i'm perfectly sane. kasi may bumabalanse pang realist/pessimist side ng personality ko sa idealist/optimist side. We all have our own dualities. Our own jekylls and hydes.

Hah, booooring! naging self-dissecting dissertation na itich. at kumusta naman ang mga high-fallutin’ words? hahaha

hemingways, pasensya na. just playing shrink to myself.