Wednesday, June 13, 2018

rainy days

Rainy days are here and that makes me lazier than I've ever been.
Maybe it's the weight gain. But I'm finding it hard to do anything these days. Except for the tasks I'm required to do for work, doing anything takes some effort.

I realized I can't do keto while the we're still working on this show. It literally makes me feel bad. It makes work a bit harder. Keto flu. I need to be in the best condition possible while we're grinding. Pero hopefully... dumating din ako sa araw na yon. Na pwede na akong mag-keto ulit. Pwede nang magpapayat ulit.

American Beauty is a real beauty. Funny, I've seen it so many times in the year 2000, but I realize now I hadn't appreciated it fully. I was too focused on Spacey. (ugh!! I know). But I watched it again yesterday, and it's just... beautiful.  How all the characters in that world cope with life and dashed dreams, lose their way in the process, die a little everyday. Reminds me of that other powerful movie, Requiem for a Dream. Life can be harsh- what helps you cope? What's your "drug"?

Just one powerful piece of work is all it will take. Just one, bluey. And that dead dream can be brought to life. The question is, can you? Do you have it in you to make it real?

But truth is.. even if the answer is No...I can deal with it. Because my worth, my happiness, does not depend on my job or career or what others perceive as "achievements". I am more than just a writer, or a worker, or a creator, or whatever. I'm also a mother. A wife. A daughter. A friend. A sister. Even if I "fail" in one aspect of my life, that doesn't lessen my worth as a person. So.. it's okay if I don't get to Cannes. It's okay if I don't get to make that full length film that will take me There. It's okay if I don't get to become a director. I have made my choices and save for one (in 2007-- sana hindi na lang yung concept na yon ang pinili ko-- o sana mas nag-pay attention ako to people's welfare under my supervision), I don't regret the choice I have made.

I parked that Dream because I needed to earn a living ASAP.  And I'd been too wounded to stay on the same track. I think it was also a wise decision, to take a break. To let the lesson sink in. But the "break" stretched on for years, and I found myself in a different path. A lot happened in life, got married, had a baby, and before I knew it... that Dream was gathering dust in the baul.

And it was okay. It's still okay. I could still fight for it, kung gustong gusto ko talaga. But pursuing that dream would mean I'd be taking risks--- not only of failure, but of financial instability. I have bills to pay, a family to feed, all that adulting thing. So.. I don't need to become a filmmaker to be fulfilled. I can still be happy, and I AM happy.

Matagal na yata akong mas problema sa passion for this current job I have. Pag mahal mo kasi, kahit ano susuungin mo. Kahti ano titiisin mo. Pero napapadalas ang pagpapantasya lately. Napapadalas ang desire for flight, kesa fight. Pero got bills to pay. 3 years to finish amortization for a property. So... hang on. You are luckier than most. Be grateful. You are there not only for yourself, but for the people who depend on you.

Nabubuhay lang ang spirit ko kapag nakakapanood ako ng magandang pelikula. O magandang series. I am reminded of why I got into the storytelling business, in the first place. Because I enjoy a good story. I used to enjoy telling stories, too. I was very young when I fell in love---8 years old maybe. Reading stories, graviated into writing stories, and the rest was history.

Mabuti sana kung ganoon lang kasimple ang lahat, sa trabahong ito. Telling stories. Maraming factors na kailangang iconsider. Maraming mabilisang adjustments na kailangang gawin. Maraming changes lagi. Kapag di mo mahal ... madali kang mauubusan ng gasolina.

Pero kapit lang, bes. Dahil kailangan. Just do the best you can, deadma na muna sa diet.

Wednesday, June 06, 2018

My Stressball

My anak, three months shy of being 8.

I love it that I can now talk to her like I'm talking to an adult.

I love it that she understands why Mama can't sleep beside her on work nights. (Day 1 pa lang kasi ang ginagawa ko, anak. 5 days ang isang linggo. Pag hindi ako makasubmit, o ma-late ako, malaking pera mawawala sa mga boss ko)

I love her logic and sense of analogy. Wala lang akong time i-enumerate ngayon, pero maraming instances na napapanganga ako sa insight na naririnig ko mula sa kanya.

She literally de-stresses me, 10 minutes with her makes me physically feel better.  Everything is so much more bearable because I have my daughter with me. She's my vacation from everything.

I pray for every woman who wants a daughter to have a daughter like my babygirl.

Time is non-refundable, life is happening right past me. Pero sana anak dumating ang panahon na kaya ko nang makasama ka lagi lagi, and live through these times when you're growing up na mas madalas tayong magkasama.

Pero Thank You Lord dahil home based ako. Thank You Lord dahil anytime pwede akong magbreak sa trabaho para makita ang anak ko. Thank You Lord for all Your blessings. Dahil kahit minsan natatalo ako ng stress at nakikita ko lang yung kulang sa baso, and totoo, mas there's more water there than I deserve.

Health, safety, happiness for my family. That's all I really need.

Friday, May 04, 2018

These Days

These days, I... 
...drink alone more often. To forget? To be happy? To escape whatever rut I'm in? finding myself enjoying conversations with my 7-year-old more and more afraid of even going on that weighing scale. 
...wish to get away more often. 
...think of Hugh less and less. (aww. sad. not that I don't like him anymore, though-- it's just that there are other things on my mind) most of the time, as usual
...secretly wish na mabigyan ako ng mahaba-habang bakasyon. well that's not a secret. but I secretly wish for other things that I dare not even say aloud or write about. because there's dissonance in me
... (okay I'll say it) fantasize about resigning from my job more and more often
... (say it again) secretly desire na matapos na yung project.. pero alam ko HINDI KO DAPAT IWISH YUN
...demoralized, tired. going through the motions. un-driven
...long for the beach
...worried about finances (bills, investments. #adulting
...have still not gotten over the fact that I am actually 38 years old. WOW.  nalalagas ang mga taon nang di natin namamalayan.

Tuesday, February 06, 2018

the best feeling in the world

I go into her room, find her wrapped in her pink blanket, asleep.
move hair away from her face, about to leave when she calls me- Mama..
I go back. I'm happy she's awake! But I know too she has to go back to sleep soon.
baby girl.
naamoy kita.
anong amoy ko?
i climb into bed lie beside her. hug her. my soft huggable daughter.
she hugs me back. cuddles. my sweet 7 year old babygirl.
she tells me about her cousin from Singapore whom they'd been chatting with earlier on FB.
sabi ni ate, pauwi ka na daw.
binili kita ng (favorite nyang brand of milk in tetra pack)
thank you, Mama. sarap non e.
Day 5 na ako anak. Bukas, tapos na work. matutulog ka na sa amin!
yey! saka sa Friday!
nagpray ka na ba?
and she puts her palms together in praying position, closes her eyes. i wait.
soon she finishes. i tell her, back to work na ako anak. walang tulugan.
more hugs and cuddles. the best feeling in the world. when you're being hugged like this by your child. so much love. raw and innocent and unconditional, a child's love for her mother.
i say Good night anak.
Good night Mama...
I love you.
I love you, she responds. lately she doesn't say I love you as often as she used to. So I figured this must be a special moment.

i just want to remember this moment. put it in a time capsule and go back to it every now and then.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Sweet Little Girl Days

Dear Audrey,

At 7 years old, one of the things that you love is being with your mother. And my heart couldn't be more full, but a little sad too, because I know it won't be this way forever.

Your quotable quotes:

- "mama bakit alis ka nang alis?" - in a whining tone, kapag nagkasunud sunod ang mga araw na kailangan kong magreport sa office for work.

- "mama matutulog ako sa yo?" - with hopeful eyes-- dahil kapag may deadline ako sa yaya ka natutulog para dire-diretso akong makatrabaho.  at kapag sinabi kong "oo" sa tanong mo-- matutuwa ka-- because we have this little ritual at bedtime, you and me lying in bed together watching a movie, me making you your bedtime milk, cuddling, chatting, laughing, just being together. and when it's time for your to sleep, we'll pray together, and you'll fall asleep with me beside you. 8pm-10pm are sacred hours for you kapag matutulog ka sa akin. 8pm-10pm is Mama and Audrey time.

- "mama bakit umalis ka sa tabi ko??" - whining, tearing up-- when you wake up and you don't find me beside you, but sleeping beside your Papa.  this morning you were in tears, masama ang loob, tampururot, dahil dalawang beses kang nagising na natutulog ako sa tabi ng Papa mo. how can I explain to you, anak, that I'm trying to divide my quality time between you and your father? at this stage in our lives, time is such a precious commodity, because work occupies most of it, so cuddling beside your father while we sleep is one of those daily moments we share when we're not busy working. That doesn't mean I love him more than I love you, and I'm bothered that you are even seeing your Papa as a rival of sorts when it comes to me. I really really hope you grow out of it soon.

- "I love you, Mama" - sleepy you, saying this to me out of the blue, as I tuck you in bed. Ang sarap pakinggan anak, lalo na't may kasabay na yakap. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagmamahal mo. It's so pure, so priceless, I don't want to ever forget these days when I'd hear those words from you.

Alam ko natural lang na mag-evolve ka as you grow older, kaya gusto ko lang i-immortalize. kung ako lang ang masusunod, I want to be with you lagi lagi. But we gotta do what we gotta do. Konting pasensya lang, anak. I'm trying my best not to disappoint you.

Bukas aalis na naman ako to work elsewhere. And you told me tonight-- "mama parang naiiyak ako.. kasi alam ko pag-alis mo bukas sa Friday na naman kita uli makikita" - with voice breaking. It almost breaks my heart. Plano kong magsulat sa Marikina til Friday for this script week we are finishing. Pero dahil sa sinabi mo napapromise mo tuloy ako na Wednesday ako uuwi. Bahala na, anak. Para sa yo, susubukan kong matapos nang maaga.