Thursday, July 27, 2017

Freedom Day

Just want to document this day.  I'm done with my latest kalbaryo.


Salamat sa mga kaibigan, mga taong nakakaintindi sa pinagdadaanan ng isang abang trabahador na katulad ko. Marami po talagang salamat.

I want to celebrate this day. And the rest of my life. Between money and a stressful existence, I'd go for something in between. But ultimately, gusto ko ng mapera at stress-free na buhay.

Pero kung magpapaka-stress ako sa isang bagay, it has to be something I am passionate about. Hindi yung kailangan mong gawin, kahit mabigat ang loob mo. Stress over something you love doing, I would welcome with open arms. Dahil sulit lahat ng pagod mo. Handa kang harapin kahit ano, dahil mahal mo yung ginagawa mo.

Marami akong takeaways from this recent experience. Crafts-wise--  sobrang importante talaga ng character. The stories we make in the very long format, character is the most important. yun ang paghuhugutan ng lahat-- conflict, plot. It's a bible of sorts.

Character, and the characters' relationships to each other.

Conflict. hindi pwedeng happy lang ang mga buhay nila. hindi pwedeng walang bubog. Characters with bubog are the most interesting dramatic characters. Mahaba ang pwedeng takbuhin nyan.

When crafting plot, the more emotional the motivation of the character, the better. Usually, it's related to their bubog, or the people they love or hate, or their main objective at the moment.  That's why you have to know the character at his/her core. Doon mo lang mahuhugot ang mga susunod na gagawin nya.

Cause and effect. Everything that happens should be the effect of a character's decision. Events that happen out of nowhere makes a plotty story---and plotty ain't substantial.

so why are we telling this story? because there's this character or characters who will go through something that will change their lives forever. And we are there to witness their journey--- EMOTIONAL journey. We've been taught in college that characters don't have to have a change of heart all the time, yes. But in the place I am in now, because it's the long form, and this is mainstream tv, the protagonist ALWAYS has to have an emotional journey, from point a to point elsewhere. that's the reason why we are telling this story--- because of that emotional journey, which, hopefully, audiences will be able to relate to, or at least sympathize with, because it's a piece of this vast tapestry called human experience.

Twists. i used to love this during my very early days as a fiction writer. I always want my story with twists. I wanted to never, ever be predictable. in the long form, yes, twists make a story compelling. So I am going back to that mode. Ayaw na nila ng nahuhulaan nila. Alam na kasi nilang lahat yan. Bigyan mo sila ng shocker. O ng something that they didn't expect. It's not easy, pero if the opportunity presents itself, go. take it. GET. OUT. OF THAT FRICKIN' SAFE BOX.

Okay, so hindi naman lahat ito sa most recent experience ko lang natutunan. Some of these I'd known for years, in my journey as scribe for the boob tube. Pero marami dito, nareinforce ang value sa akin during my last project. Which makes the whole experience worth everything, somehow. May takeaway ako, kahit papano.

Last, but not least---

Kindness. It goes a long, long long way.

So.. thank you Lord. so much. dahil dito, napadasal po ako ulit sa inyo.
Maraming salamat po sa freedom. Now there's a new project coming. I'm raring to give it my best, and use the new things I've learned to make our material better.
I'm happy to be back with my true team.

Sunday, July 09, 2017

hugh. hugh. more hugh.

define geek: someone with an unnatural passion for something, someone, or whatever, so much so that that's all they ever talk about, and bores people to tears

so i'm a geek, about many things. i'm a hugh jackman geek, so shoot me.  hindi ko alam kung bakit.  siguro may pinagdadaanan. but seeing him, talking about him, brings me relief from life.  there's escapist joy in there, nearly every single time. just the sight of him, smiling and youthful, those kind happy eyes lighting up---  makes me happy.

pathetic, my husband says. (btw, if my hughgeekiness is a crime, husband is my most frequent victim. he has to listen to me go hugh this, and hugh that, because i'm his wife. heheh. and how's our marriage? we're fine--- as long as i quit comparing ours to hugh's unbelievably fairy tale like marriage to his wife.

malapit ko nang gawing santo si hugh. seriously!

bakit ang perfect mo? tao ka pa ba? lahat na ng talent nasa yo. ang guwapo mo. ang hot mo.

(okay, recently medyo nagkacatch up na ang years sa yo... which makes me really sad. as in LITERALLY sad, because i realize i'm infatuated with the physical you of, like, 5 years ago. may resistance ako sa reality, hugh. because that's your purpose in my life-- escape. aspiration. goals. fantasy. dreams)

and as if that isn't enough good stuff to put in one person... ang BAIT mo pa daw. nice guy, is what everyone calls you. and in this age where you'd find dirt on people on the net (if you know where to look), it's harder to hide things--- good and bad- about people. so i'm really inclined to believe na totoo ang chismis na mabait kang tao.

mabait na nga. wise pa. i read interviews of him and swear to G, MAY NAPULULOT ako. insights, man. how to deal with your ego ("once you start thinking- oh i'm good, i did this-- then that's where the problem begins.. because whatever you have didn't come from you.. you can't take full credit for something that was just given to you"-- okay, not the exact words, but something like that), how to become a good person (service to others, anger being an act of selfishness, treating everyone equally, especially those who are marginalized, being plain kind)-- basta, ewan ko kung biased lang ako. PERO JUSKOLORD may laman ang utak ni kuya.  intelligence is impressive, but the wisdom, the spirituality that is reflected in the things i see and hear of him... that's admirable.

mabait na. wise pa. matalino pa. talented pa. guwapo pa. hot pa. okay, ano pa??  huhuhu. hugh.  why you like that.

sya lang yata yung artista na mas naeenjoy ko pa yung real-life persona kesa sa onscreen personas nya. the hugh i see, in interviews and appearances, seems so... happy. happy, and sincere, and with this.. zest for everything. he seems like the opposite of me.  he's always smiling. always in a good mood. he's almost always accommodating to fans (nakakapagod yun bes, kahit di ko buhay yung ganun, naiimagine ko pa lang, pagod na ko).

he's just so wholesome as pie and flan and roast beef he's the kind of guy you wouldn't bring home to mom.. cause mom might fall in love with him.

at kung sa ibang kaso, IRL and elsewhere, wholesome squeaky clean types kinda bore me... not HUGH. huhu. i don't know why. kinulam mo ba ako? bakit love na love kita?? kelangan ko na bang magpapsychiatrist, bes? mas gusto ko pang panoorin ka kesa harapin ang deadlines (malamang).

now i realize why hugh is not boring even if he's just so... nice. cause he has sex appeal! he doesn't look harmless, which kinda balances out everything? i don't know. or maybe because i've gotten old, and i don't find intense tortured broken souls attractive anymore.

i want someone who will bring me home and make me his. who will share his life with me, sweep me off my feet, start a family with me. fall truly..madly.. deeply in love with me. and stay loyal to me for the rest of his life.

wait. i already found that someone. TSKTSK. ang tao talaga. kung anong meron sila, binabalewala. kung anong wala, hinahanap.

Lord, love ko po ang mga tao sa buhay ko. Love ko po talaga sila. Especially my husband and my daughter.  They are the two most important people in the world to me. Pero just let me have this alterlife in my head, Lord? just a little excitement and sugar-to-the-blood to spice up this existence. I appreciate everything and I'm grateful.  but I'm grateful for this thing you have given me, this spirit that reminds me na buhay pa naman ako, na kaya ko pang magdream, kaya ko pang ma-excite sa isang bagay o tao.

so yeah.. maybe it's that. i'm just addicted to addiction. gusto kong ma-high. paiba iba lang ang pangalan. o bagay. o hobby. but whatever gives me a high... i seize it. basta't walang masasaktan na iba. o maaabalang iba. o hindi ko masasaktan ang sarili ko.

so.. HUGH. sigh. he can play at least 2 instruments. he can sing. he can act. he can dance- OH SO WELL. i've never seen a man dance like that and can still be masculine.  and be 6 foot 3.

so MAY DEADLINE ako, as in asap, i've been tired from so many drafts paulit ulit at pabalik balik and with too little payoffs (morale-wise, money-wise). so si hugh lang ang bakasyon ko. hugh, and cigarettes. and coke zero.  i love my family. i love my daughter so much. but those little things in the survival kit, i need them for me. they are for my consumption, so that i can deal with life a bit easier. you can't consume the people you love.  love ain't that way.

so HUGH. maybe i don't love hugh. i love the image of hugh. i love what i see of hugh. in that sense, i consume him. pero syempre ibang usapan na pag yung totoong tao na.  kaya ang nasa survival kit ko lang, yung kaya kong ubusin hanggat kailangan ko sila.

SO HUGH. I LOVE YOU. or whatever it is i think is you.

para kong lasing. hahaha.

gusto kong gumawa ng isang blog entry. puro ganito lang--- "I WANT.." "I WISH..". sige, may idadagdag ako. "I'M GRATEFUL FOR..." and "I'M BLESSSED BECAUSE.." because there's the nagging little voice inside me that's scolding me for longing for stuff that i don't have, when there are so many blessings that I do have. oh my, may little voice na akong naririnig ngayon?? that's it.  to the nuthouse, beeyatchy. :-D

BACK TO WORK! that's what hugh would do!

P.S. -- did i mention that HUGH has been said to have amazing SELF-DISCIPLINE? oh my. yun na yata yung point na WORSHIP levels na ako sa kanya (joke lang po Lord. :-D) ngayon nalito na ako kung gusto ko ba si Hugh, o gusto ko bang MAGING si Hugh. Pwede bang both?

BALIW in bold letters.

HUGH would go back to work and finish the damn thing without taking a break so that he'd be finally free. Huhu. St. Hugh, pray for me.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

rare days

i know i should make the most of these rare days when i would be practically task-free. recharge. rebuild myself. rejuvenate. make up for busy days by spending more time with family.

but there's a cookie order, and it's due in 3 days. so.. i tried to juggle that with all the other things-to-do-when-the-things-to-do-are-done.

akala mo nakalimutan ko na si Papa Hugh. haha. he's part of the survival kit, that beautiful epitome of whatever it is that makes women like me believe in forever. just like that beautiful beach at the far end of the Pinas that I'd been dreaming about for quite some time now.

getaway. escape. happy thought.

something beautiful-- tao man, hayop, bagay-- should be well-tended, should be preserved. kaya nakakahinayang is Keanu. he has one of the most beautiful faces I've ever seen. pero hindi nya inalagaan. it wouldn't be vanity, to keep a beautiful face beautiful. maintaining that beauty would be a lot like preserving an art piece. it's not about the owner of that face anymore, dahil ang kahit anong maganda, subject to appreciation ng ibang tao. beauty uplifts, inspires, can even make people happy. so it's not about you anymore, Keanu dude. you did a disservice to all of us who appreciate that beautiful face of yours by letting it go.

kaya itong si Hugh kung pwede lang sanang i-preserve in an airtight bottle ang kagandahan. para hindi mag-age, magdeteriorate o maluma. can i stop time so that you'd be beautiful forever? yes, ganun ako ka-smitten sa perfection that is you. kung si Keanu, mukha. ikaw, holistic, beh.  from head to toe, inside and out. talent, intelligence, character. hinakot mo na lahat, pati puso ko.

Haha. Hi there, husband. okay lang naman sa yo, di ba? di ba? :-)

Monday, June 26, 2017

the one that got away

mas matagal kong nakarelasyon ang "misis" ko ngayon. december 2008 ko sya niligawan, 2009, kami na. hanggang sa tuluyan na akong nagpakasal sa kanya.

pero nang niligawan ko si "misis", i was reeling from a heartbreak. from a dream na medyo matagal ko ring minahal. i fell in love with it in 1998, nang nagshift ako ng kurso para ipursue sya nang seryoso. we've had our ups and downs, hanggang sa nung 2008, narealize kong hindi ako emotionally-equipped to pursue that "relationship". to still pursue it, after what happened in 2008, would have been hazardous probably, not only to me, but possibly to other people. i was afraid of my own passion for that "love". i was afraid it would blind me, like how it literally did, that fateful day in 2007. i was afraid it would drive me to cause pain to others, indirectly man or otherwise. i was afraid that it would bring out the worst in me.

so i let that love go, because at that time i had felt it was the right thing to do. if a relationship can bring out the worst in you, it's no longer going to be a healthy one. hindi ko makakalimutan ang sinabi sa akin ng isa sa mga earliest mentors namin -- the fact that you still wanted to continue with it, it means you haven't learned the lesson. and in a way, oo, tama sya.  walang growth sa pagkatao mo kung hindi mo marirealize ang mali mo.

it had been an accident. on my part, at least. it happened, but i did not want it to happen, i did not even notice it happening. mahirap mang paniwalaan. para akong kabayo na may takip sa mga gilid ng mata, too focused on getting what i wanted, hindi ko na napansin yung mga nangyayaring iba sa paligid ko. even yung nangyayari right before my very eyes.

pero dahil dun, may mga nasaktan. hindi physically, pero mas malalim. at alam ko dadalhin ko yun sa konsensya ko habambuhay. it's been 9 years,  i'm okay now. i don't know if the people na nasaktan are okay ngayon. sana.

takot na ako sa sobrang passion. takot na sa sobrang ambition. because if you care about something too much, it becomes your weakness. and it brings out the worst in you sometimes.

9 long years na since i "broke up" with the ex, pero you can't ignore those 10 years na minahal ko sya. yung old love ko na yon, gave me the most unforgettable highs i'd ever had in my 20s.

yung ginagawa mo ang isang bagay na you care so much about, wala kang nararamdamang gutom o  pagod o puyat.

yung napanood mo for the first time ang final outcome ng bagay na yun na you care so much about, and you feel horrible because you think it's not good enough.

yung araw na napanood ng iba for the first time yung "anak" mo, and they loved it. and you couldn't believe it, because you had thought it sucked.

then that wonderful year, when that "anak" of yours, borne from your love for this thing you want to commit your life to,  makes all that pagod and all that gastos and all those sacrifices worth it. it validated your worth, as a person, as a worker, as a young person dreaming of marrying this love of your life. it gave you so much hope, a lot of confidence, it made you believe that your dreams can come true.

but all that--validation, honors, awards, recognition-- may not have been the right reason why you wanted to commit to this one great love of yours. may allergy na ako sa ego ngayon. if you do things for your own ego... it's a selfish purpose.

kaya iniwan ko si ex bago pa man nya ako talagang pakasalan. and at that point i didn't even know if i was worthy enough para pakasalan nya ako. kaya sabi ko sa sarili ko, hanggat driven ako by the need for validation, para manalo ng award, para sumikat etc-- hindi ko sya babalikan. dahil hindi sya makakabuti sa akin.  o sa kahit sino.

alam ko marami namang nagtatrabaho for their own egos. pero kanya kanya tayo ng journey, and in mine, i got really burned. maybe it was God preventing me from making bigger mistakes in the future. maybe it was God telling me-- hindi ka pa ready para dyan.

but the passion i had for that one great love, hindi ko makakalimutan. i haven't felt passion that intense. that all-consuming. it may have brought out the worst in me. but it also brought out the best in me.

so now I'm "married" to my current career for 8 years.  and the passion has been running low. this has become a job.  a duty to carry out, so that i can the bills, save up for the future. i get fulfillment from it every now and then, but not enough to take me back to the passionate soul that i had been, 10 years ago.

stasis. cul de sacs. i'm grateful for everything. for the semblance of stability. for the money. for the comfort. but there's this feeling--- is this all there is? is this where life will end? i don't feel the drive to strive harder to climb up the corporate ladder. if i imagine myself in a higher position sa linyang ito, i don't get excited. i don't see the joy in it. i only see the responsibilities na kaakibat nun. and a whole lot of self-doubt.  it's not a dead end job. but why do i not see myself being driven enough to achieve more, to climb higher, to soar?

i was raised that way. Achiever ang tawag sa personality type na yon, according The Enyagram.  but i have lost that part of me.  either naburn ako nang sobra from that traumatic breakup 7 or 8 years ago. or i am not where i should be.

so i think about that old love a lot these days. not a lot, but more often than before. i wonder if magiging mas masaya ba, kung mabubuhay ba ang pagkatao ko, kung ligawan ko sya ulit.  i wouldn't know how or where to start. alam ko magiging malaking sugal, switching from one career to another. like practically starting over. but i wonder if the leap would be worth it.

mas madaling magdesisyon kung hindi ako breadwinner. kung wala akong mga bills. kung walang hinuhulugang lupa, walang maliit na anak. walang asawa at pamilya. i'd go for it. but there's a lot i might lose, if things don't work out.  the money. the stability.

whenever i feel like i suck at what i do now, i always wonder-- mas magiging mahusay ba ako as something else? whenever i would feel like i'm too tired to want to strive harder, too tired to keep getting better, i find myself wondering if i'd be more passionate.. doing something else?

kung babalikan ko man yung minahal ko noon.. iba na ang motivation. money na. at self-fulfillment. money would be easier if you love what you do. but then puro what-ifs and i wonders lang ako. dahil ang realidad ng buhay, the grass will always be greener on the other side of the fence. ang realidad, pwede kang mag-fail. pwedeng akala mo kaya mo, pero di mo pala kaya. o kung kakayanin mo nga, pero ang laki naman ng masasakripisyo sa personal life mo. less time for family. less time for your child, your husband.

kung kakayanin ko, will the money i would earn be all worth the sacrifices? siguro. gagawan ng paraan. pero bottom line, ang tanong-- kakayanin ko ba?

at this point, i cannot afford to do some trial and error. duwag ako. maraming responsibilidad. so maybe i will always be wondering. and hoping, praying na kung sakali mang para doon talaga ako, si Lord na ang gumawa ng paraan.

duwag talaga ako, noon pa man. fresh from resigning from my office job in 2004, i was offered to be an assistant director. tinanggihan ko, dahil natakot ako baka di ko kaya. lesson learned- SAY YES, THEN DO YOUR DAMN BEST PARA KAYANIN.

but then that was 2004. i was single. i wasn't the breadwinner. now is not like before.

so Lord, kung anuman ang plano nyo para sa akin, i leave everything to You. kung para ako dito, things will be as they are, and maybe my mindset will change. my passion will return. pero kung para ako sa The One that Got Away ko, alam ko kayo na ang gagawa ng paraan.

Saturday, June 17, 2017


I want the sparkle back into this dull-spirited shell that is me.  

Akalain mo, akala ko graduate na ako sa pagiging emo. That's so circa 2005. Pero wala e. Minsan kelangan mo ng outlet. Kelangan mong mag-emo paminsan minsan. Mag-dump paminsan minsan. At busy lahat mga friends ko. Busy rin ang mister ko. 

I stumbled upon this entry, dated December 2007. Nakakarelate ako sa pagod ng 2007 self ko. 

"at 3 am, mari-realize mo na wala na ang puso mo sa trabahong nakatulong na bumuhay sa yo for the past few years. you're where you want to be, but not doing what you really want to do. na ok lang naman for a while, pero nakarating ka sa puntong hindi ka na excited. hindi mo na maramdaman ang sense of adventure, yung sense of exploring something new. at pera na lang talaga ang nagiging be all end all ng lahat. ironically, hindi naman kalakihan ang binabayad nila sa yo. at gustuhin mo mang mag-explore ng ibang opportunities, hindi ito ang tamang panahon. nakatali ka sa isang bagay na magiging pag-asa mo. para matupad ang mga pangarap, hindi rin. you carry no illusions about what you're about to get into, from the moment that you signed on that contract. at mari-realize mo na siguro, gusto mo lang talagang yumaman. gusto mong magka-CRV. gusto mong mabili ang lahat ng gusto mo. gusto mong mag-provide para sa pamilya mo. gusto mong mag-enjoy sa trabaho mo kahit papano and at the same time kumita ng malaki. middle ground. compromise. everything in life is a compromise. may mga bagay sa buhay na hindi makukuha sa passions alone. o sa pagiging "extremist" for the sake of passion
at 4 am, pagod ka na. wala ka nang kilala, wala ka nang kinakausap, hindi ka na makangiti. biglang papasok sa isip mo ang mga bagay na dapat gawin for skwela. mga bagay na gagawin mo for passion's sake. ang saya nga naman talaga, going to school and doing the things you're tasked to do, not thinking about what you're going to get in return. not thinking about grades, or feedback. not thinking of reactionary results. and to think na someone once said na napaka-"I Have to Win" ng personality ko. being in school again somehow changed all that... 

...hindi na katulad ng dati ang buhay mo dahil sa skwela, pero naging simbolo na sya ng napakaraming bagay sa yo. para syang isang taong nagbawal ng maraming bagay sa buhay mo, nag-impose ng maraming rules, naging rason kung bakit kelangan mong mag-cut off ng ties from many people you've known in your recent life, pero mahal mo sya. dahil andami mong giniveup para sa kanya, dahil andami mo nang sinakripisyong opportunities, dahil somehow minulat ka nya sa katotohanan na niloloko mo lang ang sarili mo, na being where you want to be won't bring the same kind of happiness as doing what you really want to do."

ang tagal na nito, and i have all but moved on. pero nakakalungkot lang, because i was so full of hope.  at madami-dami na rin akong na-sacrifice para sa schooling ko noon, which i had seen as the key to my dreams.  yung scholarship na yun ang lunduyan ng mga pangarap ko at that time. 

nakakalungkot, dahil two months after this blog entry in december 2007, i lost the scholarship.

it's funny, how God maneuvers things in our lives. alam Nya kung paano ako nangarap noon. alam Nya kung nasaan ang puso ko. pero hinayaan Nyang mangyari yung nangyari on December 2007. it was His way of redirecting me maybe.. to where i am now.. or it was a test, hanggang ngayon hindi pa ako sure.  i had thought He had meant for me to forget my directing dreams dahil He had meant for me to become a writer, to be where I am now. Pero dahil sa mga nararamdaman ko ngayon.. hindi ko na sigurado. 

dahil ngayon, mauulit ko ang entry ko na nasa taas. iba nga lang ang trabaho. 

"at 3 am, mari-realize mo na wala na ang puso mo sa trabahong nakatulong na bumuhay sa yo for the past few years. you're where you want to be, but not doing what you really want to do. na ok lang naman for a while, pero nakarating ka sa puntong hindi ka na excited. hindi mo na maramdaman ang sense of adventure, yung sense of exploring something new. at pera na lang talaga ang nagiging be all end all ng lahat..."

ang difference lang.. mas malaki ang binabayad sa akin.  and I guess, that makes all the difference in the world. 

kaya, siguro, wala akong karapatang magreklamo. dahil binibigay naman sa akin ang kelangan ko.  

pero in my dreariest moments, napapaisip ako.  am i really where i am meant to be? in a job i am meant to do? kung ganon bakit hindi ako masaya? gusto kong maging masaya. iniisip ko yung buhay ng mga direktor kong kakilala. yung mga dating PA, AD, kasama ko sa production na ngayon, nagdidirek na. masaya kaya sila? kung babalik ako dun, kakayanin ko kaya? magagawa ko kaya nang mahusay, mahusay enough to make it a career? will it suit my life? will it bring back the passion to my soul? dahil feeling ko ngayon, ang patay patay ko na inside. feeling ko ngayon, pumupugak-pugak na makina ako. kung passion ang gasolina.. running low. pa-empty tank na. kelangan nang mag-refill.

pero may deadline pa. today. 31 sequences. nakaka-1 pa lang ako at hindi pa sya maayos.

ang sweldo nito, baka sa july pa. or august. depende sa bilis ng mga bagay bagay.  

siguro wag ko na lang isipin. i-autopilot ko na lang dahil kelangan matapos.  now is not the time to ponder over the state of my life or kung anong balak ng Diyos para sa akin.  there's a deadline to meet.

i'll just leave the question here. Lord, what am i really meant to do? 

P.S. kung pwede nga lang na ang main purpose ko sa buhay, maging nanay at asawa. game ako. pero money. hindi kaya.  but i would love to be a full-time mother to my daughter. feeling ko mas madali yung gawin, hehe. mas maeenjoy ko. kakaririn ko ang pagpapalaki sa anak ko.