Friday, May 04, 2018

These Days

These days, I... 
...drink alone more often. To forget? To be happy? To escape whatever rut I'm in? finding myself enjoying conversations with my 7-year-old more and more afraid of even going on that weighing scale. 
...wish to get away more often. 
...think of Hugh less and less. (aww. sad. not that I don't like him anymore, though-- it's just that there are other things on my mind) most of the time, as usual
...secretly wish na mabigyan ako ng mahaba-habang bakasyon. well that's not a secret. but I secretly wish for other things that I dare not even say aloud or write about. because there's dissonance in me
... (okay I'll say it) fantasize about resigning from my job more and more often
... (say it again) secretly desire na matapos na yung project.. pero alam ko HINDI KO DAPAT IWISH YUN
...demoralized, tired. going through the motions. un-driven
...long for the beach
...worried about finances (bills, investments. #adulting
...have still not gotten over the fact that I am actually 38 years old. WOW.  nalalagas ang mga taon nang di natin namamalayan.

Tuesday, February 06, 2018

the best feeling in the world

I go into her room, find her wrapped in her pink blanket, asleep.
move hair away from her face, about to leave when she calls me- Mama..
I go back. I'm happy she's awake! But I know too she has to go back to sleep soon.
baby girl.
naamoy kita.
anong amoy ko?
i climb into bed lie beside her. hug her. my soft huggable daughter.
she hugs me back. cuddles. my sweet 7 year old babygirl.
she tells me about her cousin from Singapore whom they'd been chatting with earlier on FB.
sabi ni ate, pauwi ka na daw.
binili kita ng (favorite nyang brand of milk in tetra pack)
thank you, Mama. sarap non e.
Day 5 na ako anak. Bukas, tapos na work. matutulog ka na sa amin!
yey! saka sa Friday!
nagpray ka na ba?
and she puts her palms together in praying position, closes her eyes. i wait.
soon she finishes. i tell her, back to work na ako anak. walang tulugan.
more hugs and cuddles. the best feeling in the world. when you're being hugged like this by your child. so much love. raw and innocent and unconditional, a child's love for her mother.
i say Good night anak.
Good night Mama...
I love you.
I love you, she responds. lately she doesn't say I love you as often as she used to. So I figured this must be a special moment.

i just want to remember this moment. put it in a time capsule and go back to it every now and then.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Sweet Little Girl Days

Dear Audrey,

At 7 years old, one of the things that you love is being with your mother. And my heart couldn't be more full, but a little sad too, because I know it won't be this way forever.

Your quotable quotes:

- "mama bakit alis ka nang alis?" - in a whining tone, kapag nagkasunud sunod ang mga araw na kailangan kong magreport sa office for work.

- "mama matutulog ako sa yo?" - with hopeful eyes-- dahil kapag may deadline ako sa yaya ka natutulog para dire-diretso akong makatrabaho.  at kapag sinabi kong "oo" sa tanong mo-- matutuwa ka-- because we have this little ritual at bedtime, you and me lying in bed together watching a movie, me making you your bedtime milk, cuddling, chatting, laughing, just being together. and when it's time for your to sleep, we'll pray together, and you'll fall asleep with me beside you. 8pm-10pm are sacred hours for you kapag matutulog ka sa akin. 8pm-10pm is Mama and Audrey time.

- "mama bakit umalis ka sa tabi ko??" - whining, tearing up-- when you wake up and you don't find me beside you, but sleeping beside your Papa.  this morning you were in tears, masama ang loob, tampururot, dahil dalawang beses kang nagising na natutulog ako sa tabi ng Papa mo. how can I explain to you, anak, that I'm trying to divide my quality time between you and your father? at this stage in our lives, time is such a precious commodity, because work occupies most of it, so cuddling beside your father while we sleep is one of those daily moments we share when we're not busy working. That doesn't mean I love him more than I love you, and I'm bothered that you are even seeing your Papa as a rival of sorts when it comes to me. I really really hope you grow out of it soon.

- "I love you, Mama" - sleepy you, saying this to me out of the blue, as I tuck you in bed. Ang sarap pakinggan anak, lalo na't may kasabay na yakap. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagmamahal mo. It's so pure, so priceless, I don't want to ever forget these days when I'd hear those words from you.

Alam ko natural lang na mag-evolve ka as you grow older, kaya gusto ko lang i-immortalize. kung ako lang ang masusunod, I want to be with you lagi lagi. But we gotta do what we gotta do. Konting pasensya lang, anak. I'm trying my best not to disappoint you.

Bukas aalis na naman ako to work elsewhere. And you told me tonight-- "mama parang naiiyak ako.. kasi alam ko pag-alis mo bukas sa Friday na naman kita uli makikita" - with voice breaking. It almost breaks my heart. Plano kong magsulat sa Marikina til Friday for this script week we are finishing. Pero dahil sa sinabi mo napapromise mo tuloy ako na Wednesday ako uuwi. Bahala na, anak. Para sa yo, susubukan kong matapos nang maaga.

Friday, January 12, 2018

What I'll Remember of 2017...

  • Lessons. Most of them I already know but this year I've been reminded of.
    • Sometimes you need an iron fist to straighten you out.  #discipline
    • God brings people in your life for a purpose. #purpose
    • Sometimes you have to experience the bad to appreciate the good. #gratitude 
    • Kindness goes a long long way. #kindness
  • Discoveries about work 
    • Cause and effect
    • Wisdom and insight
    • Character as seen in actions, words, response to situations
    • Surprises and twists
  • Discovers about self
    • Matiisin akong tao pero the longer na tinitiis kita, mas malalim yung galit, mas matagal makalimutan
    • Pero just when I thought hindi ko makakalimutan yung galit ko, hindi rin pala sya magtatagal. In that sense, hindi ako mapagtanim na tao (unless paulit ulit ka na) 
    • In a way, I'm a coward-- would choose pragmatism over standing up to someone if the latter would mean losing something important to me
  • Milestones. Hmm. Not a lot in 2017. Just the same old
    • Discovered K3to
    • Sold an investment with a little profit
  • New stuff
    • Became an active credit card user -- for Uber rides (ang convenient, pero hmm)
    • Saw Logan and got infatuated with HJ! (crush of the year!)
    • Colourpop. Eyelids. 
    • Bought a Macbook laptop for the first time
Ang boring ng 2017 ko, pero okay lang. Boring doesn't mean bad. So I'm thankful to the Lord. For the things I've had that I still have. Yun lang naman ang mahalaga. And gaining a little more experience. Thank You for 2017, Lord.  

I know 2018 will positively be so much better, happier, more enriching, and yes--- more profitable! 

Goal  for 2018
  • Meet deadlines, bitch
  • Little steps towards becoming a better mother to my kid and a better wife to my husband
  • Spend more time with friends and family
  • Travel more (excited for summer!!)
  • Meet a financial goal (liquid savings--- more!!)
  • Get financially richer
  • Be better at what I do for a living
  • Watch more tv shows 
  • Pray more  
  • GET PREGNANT with our second child! (good luck sa losing weight!)

Saturday, January 06, 2018

in the tunnel

and it's a dreary one.

33 sequences away from completion, at wala kang gana. Gusto mo na lang matapos to, but 33 sequences can take an entire night really, but there's a party you MUST go to tonight, so you will have to stop and you mustn't stop because your HW will get mad at you if you go to the party with an unfinished script.

Masaya sana ang buhay, pero tinik ito sa utak mo. Gusto mo nang gawin yung homework para sa soap, pero hindi ka makakalipat dun nang hindi tapos ito.

At wala kang gana. Wala kang inspirasyon. Hindi ka agree sa balangkas. Wala kang makitang ilaw at the end of the tunnel. All of a sudden you just want to sleep. Eat. Play games. Be with your precious daughter. Cook, clean, do anything but THIS.

Lord, I CAN DO ANYTHING THROUGH YOU. Please help me through this rut, Lord. Please help me finish this script very very soon.