Saturday, June 17, 2017

Purpose

I want the sparkle back into this dull-spirited shell that is me.  

Akalain mo, akala ko graduate na ako sa pagiging emo. That's so circa 2005. Pero wala e. Minsan kelangan mo ng outlet. Kelangan mong mag-emo paminsan minsan. Mag-dump paminsan minsan. At busy lahat mga friends ko. Busy rin ang mister ko. 


I stumbled upon this entry, dated December 2007. Nakakarelate ako sa pagod ng 2007 self ko. 



"at 3 am, mari-realize mo na wala na ang puso mo sa trabahong nakatulong na bumuhay sa yo for the past few years. you're where you want to be, but not doing what you really want to do. na ok lang naman for a while, pero nakarating ka sa puntong hindi ka na excited. hindi mo na maramdaman ang sense of adventure, yung sense of exploring something new. at pera na lang talaga ang nagiging be all end all ng lahat. ironically, hindi naman kalakihan ang binabayad nila sa yo. at gustuhin mo mang mag-explore ng ibang opportunities, hindi ito ang tamang panahon. nakatali ka sa isang bagay na magiging pag-asa mo. para matupad ang mga pangarap, hindi rin. you carry no illusions about what you're about to get into, from the moment that you signed on that contract. at mari-realize mo na siguro, gusto mo lang talagang yumaman. gusto mong magka-CRV. gusto mong mabili ang lahat ng gusto mo. gusto mong mag-provide para sa pamilya mo. gusto mong mag-enjoy sa trabaho mo kahit papano and at the same time kumita ng malaki. middle ground. compromise. everything in life is a compromise. may mga bagay sa buhay na hindi makukuha sa passions alone. o sa pagiging "extremist" for the sake of passion
at 4 am, pagod ka na. wala ka nang kilala, wala ka nang kinakausap, hindi ka na makangiti. biglang papasok sa isip mo ang mga bagay na dapat gawin for skwela. mga bagay na gagawin mo for passion's sake. ang saya nga naman talaga, going to school and doing the things you're tasked to do, not thinking about what you're going to get in return. not thinking about grades, or feedback. not thinking of reactionary results. and to think na someone once said na napaka-"I Have to Win" ng personality ko. being in school again somehow changed all that... 



...hindi na katulad ng dati ang buhay mo dahil sa skwela, pero naging simbolo na sya ng napakaraming bagay sa yo. para syang isang taong nagbawal ng maraming bagay sa buhay mo, nag-impose ng maraming rules, naging rason kung bakit kelangan mong mag-cut off ng ties from many people you've known in your recent life, pero mahal mo sya. dahil andami mong giniveup para sa kanya, dahil andami mo nang sinakripisyong opportunities, dahil somehow minulat ka nya sa katotohanan na niloloko mo lang ang sarili mo, na being where you want to be won't bring the same kind of happiness as doing what you really want to do."


ang tagal na nito, and i have all but moved on. pero nakakalungkot lang, because i was so full of hope.  at madami-dami na rin akong na-sacrifice para sa schooling ko noon, which i had seen as the key to my dreams.  yung scholarship na yun ang lunduyan ng mga pangarap ko at that time. 


nakakalungkot, dahil two months after this blog entry in december 2007, i lost the scholarship.


it's funny, how God maneuvers things in our lives. alam Nya kung paano ako nangarap noon. alam Nya kung nasaan ang puso ko. pero hinayaan Nyang mangyari yung nangyari on December 2007. it was His way of redirecting me maybe.. to where i am now.. or it was a test, hanggang ngayon hindi pa ako sure.  i had thought He had meant for me to forget my directing dreams dahil He had meant for me to become a writer, to be where I am now. Pero dahil sa mga nararamdaman ko ngayon.. hindi ko na sigurado. 


dahil ngayon, mauulit ko ang entry ko na nasa taas. iba nga lang ang trabaho. 


"at 3 am, mari-realize mo na wala na ang puso mo sa trabahong nakatulong na bumuhay sa yo for the past few years. you're where you want to be, but not doing what you really want to do. na ok lang naman for a while, pero nakarating ka sa puntong hindi ka na excited. hindi mo na maramdaman ang sense of adventure, yung sense of exploring something new. at pera na lang talaga ang nagiging be all end all ng lahat..."


ang difference lang.. mas malaki ang binabayad sa akin.  and I guess, that makes all the difference in the world. 


kaya, siguro, wala akong karapatang magreklamo. dahil binibigay naman sa akin ang kelangan ko.  


pero in my dreariest moments, napapaisip ako.  am i really where i am meant to be? in a job i am meant to do? kung ganon bakit hindi ako masaya? gusto kong maging masaya. iniisip ko yung buhay ng mga direktor kong kakilala. yung mga dating PA, AD, kasama ko sa production na ngayon, nagdidirek na. masaya kaya sila? kung babalik ako dun, kakayanin ko kaya? magagawa ko kaya nang mahusay, mahusay enough to make it a career? will it suit my life? will it bring back the passion to my soul? dahil feeling ko ngayon, ang patay patay ko na inside. feeling ko ngayon, pumupugak-pugak na makina ako. kung passion ang gasolina.. running low. pa-empty tank na. kelangan nang mag-refill.


pero may deadline pa. today. 31 sequences. nakaka-1 pa lang ako at hindi pa sya maayos.


ang sweldo nito, baka sa july pa. or august. depende sa bilis ng mga bagay bagay.  


siguro wag ko na lang isipin. i-autopilot ko na lang dahil kelangan matapos.  now is not the time to ponder over the state of my life or kung anong balak ng Diyos para sa akin.  there's a deadline to meet.


i'll just leave the question here. Lord, what am i really meant to do? 




P.S. kung pwede nga lang na ang main purpose ko sa buhay, maging nanay at asawa. game ako. pero money. hindi kaya.  but i would love to be a full-time mother to my daughter. feeling ko mas madali yung gawin, hehe. mas maeenjoy ko. kakaririn ko ang pagpapalaki sa anak ko.






Monday, June 12, 2017

Hula

Two days ago, nagpahula ako.
Actually, hindi daw sya manghuhula. Oracle sya.

bakit nga ba ako pumatol sa ganito? under normal circumstances, hindi. pero siguro gusto ko rin ng konting guidance sa gumugulo sa isip ko. may isang bagay akong gustong gawin, pero hindi ko alam kung tama bang gawin.

may tanong ako. at naghahanap ako ng sagot. last time na nagkaroon ako ng urge na magpahula, was 3 years ago. the same concerns, the same thing that I had wanted to do but I wasn't sure if it was going to be a wise thing to do. pero for some reason hindi ko naituloy ang session na yun.

so during my "session" two days ako.. ang unang lumabas sa "work/career" cards ko--- ang card with the word "skills".  sumunod, ang card na "intensity", then ang card na "harmony", pagkatapos ang card na "consciousness".  anong ibig sabihin nun, tanong ko.  sabi ni oracle, i have the skills daw para ituloy kung anuman ang ginagawa ko ngayon. kailangan ko lang magfocus (hence, "intensity"), ibigay ang out of the box na demands ng trabaho ko, and all we be in harmony.  money, at the table. ready for the taking. basta daw magtrabaho ako.  unlike, say, that other option, na kailangan pang trabahuhin.

at least, puro positive ang cards na lumabas. at unang una doon yung "skills". which answers one of my fundamental questions-- am i skilled enough for this job? after 8 years... oo, hindi pa rin ako sigurado. hindi ko alam kung bakit. siguro kasi lately mas madalas kong maramdaman yung mga cul de sac moments kesa sa mga eureeka moments. mas madalas makaramdam ng pagod kesa inspirasyon.  yung feeling na nabigay ko nang lahat sa last few projects na natapos ko, at wala nang natira sa loob.

lagi namang mahirap itong trabahong ito. kahit yung mga unquestionably magagaling, i'm sure nahihirapan din. siguro ang difference... yung passion mo para i-tackle ang mahirap.  what drives you to do what needs to be done makes all the difference.

admittedly, i am driven by money. at sabi din ng oracle, i see what i do as a job. alam ko na yun, matagal tagal na.  while i'm relieved that i am probably not lacking in skills (8 years ba naman, beeyatch, siguro naman may expertise ka na, kahit kaunti), it's not what i should be afraid of. i should be afraid of losing the passion to do what i need to do needs to get done.

kung leftbrain work ito, hidni sya problema. but writing requires more than just skills. it requires emotional involvement. you need to put your heart into it, to be able to write authentically, sincerely, movingly. you can autopilot yourself, hack your way towards completion, but usually it doesn't come out well if you do it that way.

saan makakabili ng passion? saan makakabili ng inspirasyon? kelangan ko sa trabaho ko. mamumuhunan na ako kung mabibili lang yun.

i choose to see the bright side. at least, may "skills" daw. spelled out na, bes. skills doesn't mean excellence, but at least it means you're not some hack pretending to be skilled at what you do.

so ngayon, may deadline. 1 full body, 10+ seqs, kailangan na by morning. it's 2 am. at wala pa ako sa kalahata. skills ba kamo ang meron ka? pwes, gamitin mo, letche. mamaya na i-summon ang passion at inspiration, kapag natapos mo na ang body 1. at least man lang, makapagdeliver ka on time using skills and conscientiousness alone.

o, ANO PANG GINAGAWA MO? MAGTRABAHO KA NA! dahil sabi ng "self" cards mo, WORK should be your main concern this year--- hindi ka pwedeng tumigil sa pagtatrabaho. dahil may mga pangangailangan, may mga gastusin. malamang mga 1-2 script days lang ang suswelduhin mo para sa paulit-ulit na drafts na ito (3rd draft ongoing), pero hangga't hindi nyo naipapasa ang latest draft at hindi sila nagro-roll... hindi pa darating ang kadatungan.

kaya tapusin na yan, beeyatch. para maipasa na. at maitape na. at makasweldo ka na.

maraming salamat sa rf. pero need natin mag-save like we've never saved before. i am dreaming of a cutoff for myself--- by the time i'm 40. i should be financially-free enough to make the leap. but then again, maraming pwedeng mangyari in 3 years. we never know. because the place i'm in, the missus i have, sya yung tipong hindi pwedeng basta basta lang. kung hihiwalayan mo si missus, kailangang pag-isipang mabuti... pagnilay-nilayan... dahil ayaw mo namang pagsisihan ang desisyon mo.

so morning deadline, here i come. i will CONQUER you. and submit on time. before 12 noon. morning pa rin naman ang 11:59 am. :-)

DREAM BEACH VACAY: amanpulo, palawan. my current island of dreams. in another place and time, binibisita ko ang lugar na yun... nakabikini... looking beach-girl perfect... feeling the sand on my feet, the calm waters around my legs, seeing perfection all around me, living another life away from the mundane concerns of my reality.













Sunday, May 28, 2017

tired

you have no idea what a whirlwind this month has been. physically, emotionally, mentally.

there were days when I would literally be doing three things at the same time.

there were days when I would have no time to eat lunch because I'd be hopping from one activity to the next.

wuw, ako na ang busy. pero ang kita sa pinupuhunan ngayon, mukhang hindi pa agad agad darating. currently involved in two projects-- one in conceptual phase, the other in pilot scripting phase. in other words, purgatory and hell, development-wise.

tapos, may sumisingit pang deliverables for the little businesses. not complaining, shouldn't complain, i'm grateful and thankful for the opportunity to work and earn eventually. pero minsan sa sobrang pagod ko.. tao lang na kailangang umaray.

kaya salamat po sa isang araw na day off-- sunday. no deliverables. today i don't need to do anything. no meetings to attend, no deadlines, i really should just sleep the entire day away to recharge.

but days off after long periods of busy work days means family time. so... mall day today! at excited akong kumain ng masarap kasama ang mag-ama ko (paano ba naman ako papayat nito. haist. it's a vicious cycle. eat to cope with the stress from working, eat to reward myself after working)

i remember this day clearly. it was a thursday, i think

12 midnight. i was in the middle of finishing cookies due in two days. kelangan makagawa ng as much as i can dahil i would be in a seminar all day. and these cookies take time to dry.

1230 am. HW from project 1 messages, asking me to submit additional revisions. hindi madali para sa akin yung hinihingi. lalo na ang pahabol nya, "dapat swabe, dapat maganda". geez. pressure pa more teh.

so itinigil ko muna ang cookies sandali para harapin ang new homework.  nagresearch ako for about 2 hours for ideas. pero dahil mahaba din ang araw ko earlier at ang aga ko nagising, by 3 am, antokyo japan na.

3 am- bedtime. set the alarm for 7 and 8 am, hoping na pagkagising ko, matapos ko ang pinapagawa before i prepare to leave for the seminar at around 10 am.

9 am - woke up. nagsulat pero di pa rin natapos, 12 noon na. the seminar is at 1 pm. i had to leave na. before lunch ako magsasubmit, sabi ko. so another broken promise.

rushed pagligo pagbihis, pagtawag ng uber. in between, inasikaso ang order ng isang glutathione client from abs.

130 pm. seminar. in between listening to the lecture on personality types for story characters, was trying to finish the script. three frickin sequences. fine, the 2nd sequence is a series-- but STILL. fine, the sequences are not simple--but STILL. Lola, 3 sequences lang. why is it so frickin hard. nasan ang kilig sa katawan ko. naubos na yata. nasan ang lightning sa utak ko. nasaid na yata.

sabi ng co-writer ko, hindi ko kaya ginagawa mo, nagsusulat habang nagseseminar. sabi ko--ako din. i'm not one of those lucky ones who can write anywhere, anytime, while doing something else. kaya nga ang bagal ko. hindi ko kayang magseminar at magsulat nang mabilis at the same time. hindi ko kayang magsulat nang mabilis under ordinary circumstances, so imagine the speed in this situation. so inabot ng buong maghapon ang script. by 7 pm pa lang ako nakasubmit.

frustrated sa sarili. frustrated sa mga bagay bagay, but mostly sa sarili. pero ginawa ko naman yung best ko. hindi ko minadali. when you have done what you can, in the best way possible, all you really can do is let it go.

8 pm. nagmamadaling umuwi. dahil kailangang tapusin ang cookies na due kinabukasan.

4 am. hindi pa tapos ang cookies. 3pm later ang deadline. umidlip sandali.

pagkasiging, buong umaga at maghapon kong tinapos ang cookies. finally, natapos na. made the arrangements for grab express to pick it up.

eto na ang viber message ng CM from project 2-- bakit ang tagal ng storyline mo, i still need it. tunog sermon. mabait ang CM kong ito, minsan lang yan tumalak. kaya sobrang nastress ako. dahil hindi madali gumawa ng storyline. kahit mas maikli sa script, concept creating, character and plot designing, it takes time and lots of focus.

sabi ko, tomorrow po. ASAP po. ang dami kasing pahabol na revisions nung isang project. akala ko pagkasubmit ko ng buong script, matatahimik na ako, makakapagpahinga. but then. that's life. hindi naman nag-uutos ang mga tao just for the heck of it. we are all working towards same objectives.

for a moment, torn ako---- write the storyline na ba now na? dapat sana, pero may 30 pcs ng cookies akong naipangako sa friend ko for her son's birthday party kinabukasan. yun sana ang haharapin ko after this first cookie order. pagod na pagod ako that afternoon. as in. konti na lang, breakdown na. hindi ko alam paano hahatiin ang utak at katawan ko kung ano ba ang uunahin.

kaya natulog muna ako. deadma na muna sa mundo.

pagkagising ko, gabi na. i didn't want to disappoint my friend and back down on my promise. 11:30 am ang party kinabukasan. kaya tinapos ko yung cookies hanggang ...

4 am. almost done. simpleng simple lang sila. at sa party halos walang nakapansin sa kanila. kung alam lang ng mga tao na pinagpuyatan ko ang mga yun.  pero at least hindi ako nakasira ng pangako. nakapagdeliver ako.

10 am. nagready na kami ng anak ko to go to the party. we arrived there at 11:30-- punctual, for a change.

at ang saya kahit papano. nakakarefresh makita ang old buddies from college. sa facebook na lang kasi ako nakikibalita sa kanila. magmamigrate na ang friend kong naghost ng party sa HK for good, kaya kahit pagoda ako buong linggo, hindi ko pwedeng mamiss ito. i was tempted to bail out the day before dahil sa stress ko over the storyline, pero mabuti na lang pumunta ako.

sa mga pumunta sa party na yun na ka-batch ko (we were all film majors), ako lang ang nagstay sa pagsusulat. yung isa editor for film, yung isa teacher for masscomm students, yung isa nasa family business of importing (at sabi ko sa kanya---syet, pangarap ko yan! and i meant it with my whole heart). tinanong ako-- in so many words--- kumusta ang trabahong tulad ng sa yo?

ang sagot ko na lang- anuman ang isagot ko ngayon, pwedeng magbago, kasi sa ngayon, pagod ako.

tumawa yung kausap ko. sabi nya, referring to the hardships of being a writer for mainstream tv - ang hirap siguro ano, yung mga ideas mo may nakikialam, yung iba hindi natatanggap?

dear...that's not even half of it. i have long given up on all those elementary concerns. siguro naman deep inside, mahal ko ang trabaho ko. may fulfillment, kahit papano. pero sa ngayon, pagod lang talaga ako at mas madali sa akin ang bumitaw, emotionally.\

bumitaw physically--- hindi kaya. because i need the money.

wala akong problema sa mga taong katrabaho. sa mga taong boss ko. marami lang talaga akong kaaligagaan sa buhay ngayon, and for a pentium 1 like me, nakakaupos.

kaya lesson learned-- wala na munang cookie orders, teh. focus na muna sa day job. tapos na ang toxic days hopefully. hopefully. well, fine. siguro marami pang susunod, dahil yung piloting script namin ay draft 5 pa lang  (oo, konti pa lang daw yun, dagdagan pa daw ng apat at worst, dalawa at best, pero realistic expectation ko, 3. matatanggap na yun ng puso ko).

kaya susulitin ko ang free day kong ito. disconnected ako today. walang magulo.








Thursday, April 27, 2017

yung totoo...

...hindi  ko bet ang mga nawawalang anak, family members separated at birth, akala mo patay na pero buhay pala, mga nang-aapi, mga pumapatay, kidnapan, etcetera. and i'm sure, yung iba ko ring mga kasama, from my rank all the way up to the big guys, purga na rin.

pero ganun talaga. yun ang gusto ng mga "customers" namin. and the customer is always right. magluto ng putaheng angkop sa panglasa ng mga kumakain sa karenderya mo. 

kaya namiss ko tuloy yung tinatrabaho namin nung 2015. it's really sad na hindi uso sa ngayon ang mga ganong kwento. yung light at masaya, kilig, pero in many ways makatotohanan. walang mahirap vs mayaman, walang twist na mag-ina pala o magkapatid. i'm uncomfortable working on a story that operates on a different kind of "reality". kasi sa totoong buhay, wala naman talagang magpapakidnap ng tao basta basta. 

pero pera, pera. kung ano ang gusto ng customer, ibigay na. para may pera, pera. 

and along the way, hanapan natin ng joy ang tinatrabaho natin.

thank you, Lord, for promising possibilities for the remainder of 2017. thank you Lord, for the opportunity to work and earn. 

Sunday, April 23, 2017

perfection

it's 6:41 am, been up all night working, and just about to go to bed with (visions of) this perfection:



 i may change my mind when i wake up later, but right now, Papa HJ, nothing matters. Gay, bi, tri, pan, trannie, I.. DON'T.. CARE.  You are PERFECT.  from kili-kili to chesthair to that smoldering come-hither stare. just looking at you makes me wanna go to the beach. i can almost smell the salt on your skin. (um, wait. let's not go the "smell" route)

I am SO happy that i am not the only one swooning and sweltering over this picture. posted this on my social media walls and at least one fb friend swooned so much, she just had to PM me about it throughout the day.  (and like me, she started liking Papa Hugh right after "Logan"! i wunder why? is that a phenomenon?)

i like HJ in all his happy, trustworthy, unsexually-threatning handsomeness, but with that pic above? HMM. threaten me, break my trust, just make sure you look EXACTLY like that.

okay, puyat is making sound like a cougar more and more by the day. and to think this guy is, whut, 12 years older than me (you were 12 and i was being born! aww)

have to go to bed now. no, not with you Hugh, sorry. HAHA.

heartheart.

(can't believe i'm turning 37 in 2 days. my post reads like the gushy fangirling of an early-twentysomething!)