Tuesday, September 20, 2016

26 years old, NBSB, with all the time in the world

A blog posted by my 26-year-old self. I sounded like I was going through a somekinduva heartbreaking episode.

today i finish all the pending tasks. fold up everything from the last project. sleep this off or watch a good movie, eat something sweet or mag-"emote" sa isang sulok, cry it out if needed. haha. overdramatic. but i only have until today to get this outta my system. not healthy, to go through another beginning with baggage from the immediate past.

should i take that nap before i go out? catch the last days of narnia, or king kong? chocolate with peanuts, almonds, or some other nut? maybe i don't really need a crying session with myself. been through worse before, really. this is a pinch, compared to everything else from the past combined. 


In fairness, ang daming time ha? Haha. Those were the days when my time was all mine to spend. Single 26-year-old me. Wala pa ngang boyfriend (I met my first boyfriend and future husband, 2 months later!) .

Today, how would I deal with depression? Can't afford to do a lot of these things. Because at 3pm may daughter comes home from school, and we have to do homework or review for a test. I have me-time til around 7pm, if I don't have deadlines to meet. 8pm -10pm is Mama and baby time, and it's non-negotiable (or else you'll have a 6-year-old bawling, demanding time that's "due" her!). then at 1 am husband comes home, and unless there's work to do and I have to stay up, I'm compelled to go to bed at the same time as he does. Sleeping together (literally), has become a happy habit for us two, most of the time.

So yes, my time is no longer absolutely mine. But I'd like to think I'm happier. 1 million times happier than 10 years ago. Amused ako, realizing how the years have changed me. how, when placed in a similar situation, a 26-year-old NBSB girl would react differently from a 36-year-old married woman.

ang daming tumatakbo sa utak ko, sa totoo lang. just came from a work marathon and slept at 10 am. and there's still a lot of work to do. pero wala, namiss ko lang kausapin ang sarili ko. Aside from hanging out with friends, it's blogging and chronicling that I've done a lot less of these past 5 years.

so ganito na lang. i will list down the keywords. Then get back to them later.
- Dear P
- Dear Oso
- my newest favorite TV show
- alternate realities

for now, have to review my little girl for 2 long tests tomorrow.




Wednesday, September 14, 2016

officially obsessed with that other life

tell me. may kulang ba sa buhay ko at nagkakaganito ako?

kulang sa fairy tales, siguro. kulang sa thrill, maybe. pero definitely, hindi kulang sa pagmamahal. the grounded, real kind. 

nagpaalam naman ako. at alam nya. 

ang sabi ko sa kanya, "may alternate world ako. kaya kapag nakita mo akong nakatulala, alam mo nang nasa kabilang mundo ako." 

tinawanan lang nya. hindi nya sineryoso. may imaginary friend din daw ba ako na umiiyak ng kendi. 

eh kung alam nya lang. 

i've done this before, at 12 years old. spent my days and nights, dreaming my life away. 

it fuelled my passion, to write them all down. using an old typewriter. days and nights, clacking away. pasko, bagong taon, wala akong pinipili. i wanted to get it out of me, wanted to make that world real. it was more real to me than my actual world. 

nasaan na kaya ang mga sinulat kong yon? 

feverish. obsessed. that face has become the most beautiful face i've ever seen in that other life. 


Tuesday, September 06, 2016

love and hate, and those feelings in between

nanganay ako sa week 3. and to think 2 days lang ang dapat kong isulat.

in my worst moments, i dream of donuts. not the donuts i will eat. but the donuts i will create.

in my worst moments, napapasabi ako ng ayoko na. pero wala akong karapatang umayaw. dahil marami akong obligations.

kaya in my worst moments, i dream of alternatives. fallbacks. i dream of being an entrepreneur.

pagod na akong maging indentured slave. pagod na ako sa paulit-ulit. pagod na ako sa dreary moments.

so yes it's confirmed. in my worst moments, facing the blank screen, being frozen with fear, a deadline looming ahead, I tend to hate the job.

but in my best moments, when the mood sets in, when i read things that work that came from me, when i watch something good that i helped make, i love the job. kaya okay na rin.

for now, though. i hate it. i dream of alternate lives. the lives i wish i could live. dreams i could have pursued.

22+ sequences. at wala akong gana. i  was worse two days ago. bilanggo ng deadline. at walang gana. walang amor. crippled by fear.

tapusin na 'tong script na ito. para makalaya na ako. para mabisita ko na ang bago kong kitten sa marikina. para ma-assemble na namin ng anak ko ang bago nyang laruan. para magawa ko na ang bagong cookie order na end of septmber ang deadline. para masampolan ko na ang donut na magpapayaman sa amin.

i have low expectations of this project, but i hope i'm wrong. gusto ko lang sumweldo, kumita, kiumubra ng malaki every payday. gusto ko lang mabayaran ang investment kong lupa and i have 4 years to go. week 3, maybe 8 scripts to go, at may kahati pa ako. okay lang. basta tapusin na natin 'to. hindi pa man, excited na akong mag-move on. either sa next project, o sa negosyong magsesave sa amin sa pagiging alipin ng korporasyon.

on that note, let me just say-- walang umaapi sa akin. napakabait ng korporasyon, at ang mga boss ko na alipin din naman nila. lahat kami, alipin. a strong word to use, but in essence, yun na rin. kung anong kailangang gawin, sundin.

a lonely job, this writing gig. 7 years and counting, give our take a year writing for a reality show before i got "married" to drama. perp pag bumabalik ako sa set, naninibago ako. maarte na pala ako. ayoko sa mainit, sa masikip, sa hindi komportableng lokasyon. maybe passion will be enough para suuingin mong lahat yon. kanya-kanyang hirap lang yan girl, so be fucking grateful bitch.

everything takes work. lahat ng trabaho, mahirap. kaya nga trabaho di ba.

WERK WERK WERK IT YOU WHINING BEEYATCH!










Tuesday, August 09, 2016

lunatic nights like these

just submitted work 24 hours late, so forgive me. so many things i want to do all at the same time, diet has been OUT the window for the past 7 days. i just feel trashy. physically. so i just want to dump a little here, pasintabi pow.

naiinggit ako. sa mga nag-aabroad for work. kasi, libre silang nakakapunta sa ibang bansa. oo, work pa rin, sabi ni osobear. pero still, libre!

kelan kaya ako ipapadala sa ibang bansa for work? oo na, writer po ako. hindi kailangan ng writer kapag nagshushoot out there. syempre, mauuna ang headwriter o creative manager sa slot na yun. hindi pinapadala ang mga graphic artist/draftsmen sa site, mga arkitekto/engineers pwede pa.

greece. japan. the mediterranean. the U-frickin-S. yung isang bossing up namin, nakailang bansa na this year pa lang. do i have to become a big boss para lang makalibre ng travel abroad because of work? kelangan bang maging direktor para lang makaburaot ng libreng trip abroad?? (at mind you, 1st unit! ang mga 2nd, waley, nganga dito sa pinas, nanghuhuli ng tutubi habang nagshushoot ang mga 1st unit out there in the world)

naiinggit ako oo. pero hindi yung bad na inggit (yung tipong--- sana hindi na kayo mapadala for abroad ever! or something ill-wishing like that). yung inggit na, "sana ako din". dahil wala na yata akong narating beyond the four corners of this phosphorus screen. hanggang pangarap at imagination na lang.
 
itchyfeet. lagi lagi. FB, IG. they're bad for the inggiterang frog like yours truly. lakas makaitchyfeet ng mga scenic shots.  lalo na kung libre pamasahe. huwaw. yun ang trip na trip ko. ang makalibre.

pero kapag yung tipo ng vacation trips na ikaw lahat magbabayad, parang...meh. di ako naiinggit much. kasi magastos.  kami pa naman kapag umalis, hindi pwedeng solo trip lang (PERO gusto kong itry ito. GUSTO KO TALAGA! yung mag-isa lang! at gumasta nang di ko iniisip ang gastos, dahil SOLO lang akech! HAHA). laging TIMES 3, TIMES 4, TIMES 5. hindi ko naman maasahang gumastos ang osobear dahil sya na sa mga basic necessities (me, wants. him, needs) so YEAH... kaya siguro laway na laway ako sa mga out of the country company-sponsored trips na HINDI naman ako sinasama. HUHU. in fair, wala naman yatang writer na sinasama sa mga ganun. 

* * *

japan. ramen. okonomiyaki. the city at night. the cherry blossoms. mt. fuji. 

greece. kahit saaan don. basta may dagat. 

france. 

the US. 

prague.

spain.

HK. again. and again. and again. 

hell, kahit vietnam papatusin ko. (kaya inggit ako kay hubby! libre sya na may per diem pa!)

at marami pa akong pwedeng idagdag. kahit saan nyo ako ipadala, basta libre! okay lang sa aking gumising ng maaga at magtrabaho sa production (dati ko namang ginagawa at namiss ko din), basta libreng experience of a new place out there. libreng memories to look back on when I'm old and gray. 

hay. investment. ipon ipon, tipid tipid. all i think about everyday, besides my babygirl and work, is money. obsessed with making money. obsessed with being wealthy. being free to do whatever i want, maintain the same lifestyle (even more) without having to work. millionaire fastlane. it keeps me up at night sometimes. i wonder what that business is, that business that will make all my financial dreams come true. Lord, please, show me. 

dahil nakakapagod magsulat bilang trabaho. well lahat naman talaga nakakapagod kapag naging trabaho. kahit wala ka sa mood, kailangan gawin mo. everything takes work. kaya swerte na rin talaga ako, dahil yung dati ay pastime ko lang, na love ko naman talagang gawin kapag paminsan-minsan, naging trabaho ko.

yun nga lang, hindi ako pinapadala sa ibang bansa ng kumpanya ko.

taena, eh yung LD nga na kaklase ko nung highschool! pinadala sa LA! huhuhu! inggit much!

bakit ba ko ganito??

kasi dati, nung nasa prod ako, kung saan saan ako timitilapon. yung mga times na pinapadala ako out of the country for work, naenjoy ko talaga. kaya ayan, throwing that WISH out there, tossing it out to the universe. I WISH I GET SHIPPED OVERSEAS FOR WORK. Wag lang sa middle east. Dubai, okay pa po Lord. At sana po wag sobrang tagal. Parang pagsusulat lang din yan, masarap kapag paminsan minsan o maiklian. Pero kapag nakababad ka na, gusto mo nang umuwi, 

sabi ng universe ano ba tong taong to? Nagwiwish na nga lang, ang dami pang demands! 

Basta po yun ang wish ko. sana po, kahit writer lang ako, mapadala din ako abroad all expenses paid. kahit 1 week lang hehe :-)

adik mode? wala ang saya ko lang. kasi tapos na ako sa weekly show script. kaya mahaharap ko na ang treatment for week 3 ng serye. na medyo daunting task for me. kaya magkecandy crush muna ako ngayon (DESERVE KO TO after that weekly show script!) at pepetiks. tapos  aattend ng 11am meeting bukas, at manonood ng c1nemal@ya films all day tomorrow.

haist. c1nem@laya. there was a time, it was my beacon of hope. 

i have a secret. nagsubmit ako ng storyline once. the first, and so far the last. that was 2004. hindi nakapasa e. nahurt ako much, kaya hindi na ako umulit. ang dami kong excuses every single year. daming work, busy sa life, di inspired, etc. ewan. 

kaya i believe that when it comes to success in life, there are two kinds  of people. those who DO and those who DON'T.  unfortunately (or not?), i belonged to the latter category. i had  a dream once, but then i did not do anything about it. the farthest i got was to apply for a film outfit Scholarship, which sealed the end of that childhood dream. 

so, ngayon, and mga aspirants, wala nang excuse to not DO. you can shoot an entire movie using only your cellphone. ang dami nang avenues para ipakita mo ang galing mo (kung meron man). hindi katulad nung panahon namin, na wala pang masyadong digital chever. film talaga, at monopolyo ng mga film outfits. you don't get to be a "legit" director until you're past 30. 

ngayon, at 10 you can. wow, the internet. wow, digital revolution. you have made the world such a better, better, better place. you've leveled the playing field in so many ways.

so there, i feel like... drinking beer. why not! got an 11 am meeting tomorrow, got to fall asleep!

bye for now!

 




Friday, July 01, 2016

sad

blame it on the hormones, on the appetite suppressant i've been taking. and a few unpleasant details that cloud over my sunny skies. yet, despite all that, there's more to thank God for than be sad about.

husband is flying to vietnam for a 2-week work stint for Da Haus. sad wifey me, because I've never been that away from him for that long, not since the day we were married. I think.

i've gotten so used to coming home to a house filled with all his noise and mess (TV on in the sala, him sprawled on the sofa tapping away on his laptop). but i know, i'll get used to it. before i know it, he'll be back home.

it's so damn hard to lose frickin weight. because of the last project, i had let myself completely go. :-( and my body showed the damage, from late nights munching away at anything and everything to cope with the sleepiness and the pressure, from sedentary working hours, from lack of sleep and too much sugar in the bloodstream for many months. i really thank God for owtwowl, but I really hope that when the daily deadlines start again, I wouldn't damage my figure as horribly as I had done during owtwowl.

so now, while it's downtime, i'm trying to get myself back in shape. keyword- trying. three weeks ago scale said i was 60 kgs. today, i'm 58.  5 measly frickin pounds in three weeks. and it still doesn't frickin show.

so yes, i'm sad. but it's the appetite suppressant, i know. and the hormones. if i could only get back to my 48 kilogram self then maybe, i'd be 20 pounds happier