Monday, April 28, 2008

case closed

looking back, i'm so glad.
that i didn't get to be in her position.
knowing me, it would've been lethal.
i would've sworn off your kind for life.

it would've been much harder, being worlds apart from you.
that's why i'm glad, up to now.
thank god you didn't.

case closed.

* * *

the other day i met you.
you greeted me first, and i couldn't believe my ears.
nothing's changed about you. despite everything.
i told you that i'd been seeing you everywhere.
now you see me again, you said.
the me of years ago would've been kept awake by what you'd said.
see you around, you said.
see you around, i said.
and off you flew.
i'll be seeing you again, i know.
but not like how i used to.

case closed.

* * *

on the eve of april 25, you were the first to greet me.
i'd forgotten. who's this?
i honestly didn't know.
years ago i would've known. would've waited all day, all night, for your greeting.
and years ago you had chosen to greet me last.
i was on a bus at that time.
i still remember who i was with.
what i was wearing.
what time it was.
and now, nothing. i don't even remember who you are.
but that doesn't mean anything, because we're friends.
just like how everything probably didn't mean anything, back then.

case closed.

* * *

damn lucky, i used to say of her.
she probably still is.
i used to wish that i were in her place. but that was long, long ago.
i can't help it. remembering.
i had my chance, but you didn't pick me.
i wanted you to. and didn't, as well.
now we're in touch.
under different circumstances, now would've been the perfect time.
but things are what they are.
and so.

case closed.

Sunday, April 27, 2008


Birthday Day was a family affair, except for two outsiders: Osobear, and a little kitten.

she's two months old, a siamese. osobear came to our house carrying her in a cage. the first thing that struck me when i saw her was her sky blue eyes. they were so strikingly blue that they drowned out everything about her. on the whole, not stunningly cute at first sight (her fur is short and a bit coarse and she's too skinny) but i'm realizing now that she's the type whose cuteness grows on you. that face is a perfect fat heart. she'll grow up to be a beautiful cat someday.

we named her keanna. for what reason, nothing really consciously apparent. haha. unless you count the fact that i used to be a major Keanu Reeves fan (and we'd just seen his latest movie), and that Keanna Reeves was a housemate in the pee-bee-bee season that we were both in. parang walang relevance masyado ano. hehe.

nonetheless, it's the best birthday gift i've gotten in ages. even beats the three dozen hankies that osobear got me last year. :-)

* * *

keanna had been with osobear for three days before he gave her to me. which was enough time for the dude to be endeared to the kitty. such an animal lover, my osobear. something that i didn't really know until keanna came.

aside from the cage, keanna had been given her own things--food dish, milk dish, ragbed, two toy balls. he even took her to the vet for checkups and deworming. and as he was turning over the kitten to me he was giving me guidelines on catcare (with a pamphlet, to boot!). i admit, i'm a great feline fan but i've never really taken a lot of effort into caring for my pet cats--they just came and went and ate and i coddled and cuddled them when they're there. no vets, no nothing. one factor is that i have work and i'm almost always out of the house. the only cat i'd come close to making "efforts" on was monique (gave her a ribbon collar with a bell, bought her a litterbox). but before and after monique, i've always been a passive cat owner.

syempre, parang mahihiya naman akong "pabayaan" si keanna. apart from the fact that she's such a "premium" cat (first time kong magkapusa ng may "breeding"! hehe), she's a gift from osobear. and for that, she deserves all the caring and love in the world. she's been mine for two days now and i'm getting to know her day by day. osobear says she's more playful than sweet, but she's starting to show both qualities to me. i've had cats who are aloof, i've had cats who are annoyingly clingy, but keanna has the makings of a cat who's got just the right temperament.

it's a joy looking at her. pag nami-miss ko si osobear, makipaglaro lang ako kay keanna, semi-solved na ko. :-)

Thursday, April 24, 2008

procrastinasty strikes again

ito ang ayaw ko sa ganitong klase ng trabaho.
madaling ipagpaliban.

you will find every reason in the world to set it aside. and remarkably be able to do a dozen different things, para lang magka-excuse na wag muna syang gawin.

nakakain na ko. nakaligo na ko. nakapag-internet na ko. nakapag-chess pa (at apat na beses na-checkmate ng tatay ko, to my utter frustration). ngayon, kelangang harapin ang dapat harapin. and i find myself stuck.

sige, matutulog muna ko. baka paggising ko, may langis na ang makina.

* * *

pinapagreport na ko sa monday.
i'm not excited about the project. detached ako sa kanya.
nadala na kasi ko sa compost movie.
pagod na kasi kong mag"scripty".
at marami pa sigurong ibang factors.

but money is what oils the machine, in this case.
and money is the primary reason why we work, these days.
kaya sa monday, magrereport ako sa office. and will psyche myself up to be interested, somehow.

* * *

ang sakit ng ulo ko.
nahihilo ako.
it's assignments like these that inspire the prolific blogger in me. pag nasa production ako, tinutulog ko na lang ang free time. pero madaling mag-sublimate, pag pagsusulat.

alang wenta mga pinagsasabi ko.
makatulog na nga muna.

4:49 am

actually, kelangan ko nang matulog.

dahil may kailangan akong tapusin by sunday.
dahil magsisimba kami ng mama ko tomorrow morning.
dahil pangit ang pagpupuyat (tsktsk).

yung kailangang tapusin by sunday ang umookupa sa tatlong kapat ng utak ko. i think i got it. i just have to sit on it some more. a lot, lot more.
and here i am, friggin blogging.

ewan. i'm just driven by money now.
that's why i want to finish a good one by sunday. primarily.
also because na-miss ko na rin. not my baby, but given to me. with absolute trust, in good faith.
i don't want to waste it. i don't want to let them down.
but i don't want to put pressure on me. like how i did six years ago, when they first approached me. parang nakaukit sa bato ang lahat. parang make or break. do or die.
and i would always tell myself, it has to be better than that film.

that film. naka-move on na ko e.
i've almost thrown in the towel, folks. i'm leading a different life now.
but why the hell not.

so matutulog na ko. ita-try ko.

The Secret. it's the second time i've heard someone talk about it.
now i really want to believe it.
and i want to LIVE it.
as in. complete change of mindset.
nothing but happy, positive, optimistic energy.
because that's all that i want my life to be. just like everybody else.

kaso, effort. for a pranigerzi like me.
ang hirap maging pranigerzi. napaka-colorful ng imagination.
what you imagine, will happen.

so imagine only the things you want to happen.

and i want happiness. in all aspects. for the rest of my life.

because i'm ONLY 28!

dahil hindi ako makatulog...

in less than 24 hours tatanda na naman ako. argh. when i was 7 i remember having been so excited about my birthday. i was literally skipping around the house, feeling special. haha. syempre kasama na rin sa kasiyahan yung fact na magpapaparty ang mama at papa ko para sa kin, at makakatanggap ako ng mga regalo.

e ngayon.

since my 25th birthday puro reality checks na lang ang natatanggap ko--from myself, na nagiging age-conscious na, everytime magbe-birthday ako. huy, tumatanda ka na. huy, hindi ka na early 20s. huy, may kinapupuntahan ba yang buhay mo?

matagal-tagal na rin akong hindi nagkaroon ng birthday party. kasi ang kaibahan ngayon, pag magkakaroon ng birthday party, ako na ang gagastos. kaya hindi purong kasiyahan, di ba. kasi hindi na libre.

at saka wala na ring malaking rason to feel special, kasi na-realize ko din eventually (between the years 7 and 23) na sobrang dami pala naming may birthday ng April 25. i can actually count 5 acquaintances na ka-birthday ko. kaya parang, happy birthday na lang sa ting lahat. parang normal na araw na lang.

isa pang reason kung bakit parang hindi na ko excited pag birthday ko--and i suppose i'm not the only one who's felt/feeling this--ay yung very fact na tumatanda na ko. nung bata ako, it's cool to get older, it's cool na magdalaga. pero nakaka-stress di pala--somekinda, kahit papano--when you're approaching your 30s. me, 30ish? mga tita ko lang yun no! mga teachers and professors ko lang yun! not me, kasi parang sa utak ko forever akong bata, kaya parang nakakabagabag ma-realize na TITA-age na pala ko.

stressful, a little. pero 28 pa lang naman ako, kaya i'll leave the stressing out to monjam (dahil sya ang 30 years old. mwaha). at the very least, parang...nakakadampen lang ng birthday high. nakakawala ng excitement.

kaya kung pwede nga lang na wag nang magbirthday di ba.

* * *

on the other hand, there are a multitude of reasons to be happy.

because i'm still alive. and healthy. and basically happy with my life.
because in the 28 years i've been alive, i've lived. maybe not as fully as i would've have ideally wanted to, but pretty much.
and because i know--pray, wish, will it--that i still have so many years more to do the things that i still want to do, to achieve the things that i still want to have, to design my life just the way i want it.

at kung sa yugtong ito eh medyo lost ako sa kung ano nga bang design ang gusto ko para sa buhay ko, i still have the rest of my life to figure it out.

because i'm only 28!
because the glass is half full!
and i have the rest of my life, still, to fill it to the brim!

oha! positive thinker!

sa sandamukal na mga ka-birthday ko dyan, happy birthday sa ting lahat! :-D

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

seasons are turning

i don't know why i feel that way. career-wise. i felt this, too, last february. after The Talk, which put a period on a lot of things. that was also the time when work started happening nearly everyday, and i found a way to get my mind off things. and in the flurry of my busybee existence i had actually arrived at a few conclusions about what i was going to do with this life.

well, somehow. almost. at least, for the immediate future.

money versus the dream. it had always been like that. now that the dream has been taken out of the equation, there's only money to dream of.

kung hanap mo ay pera, wag kang magproduction.

nung sinimulan ko to, hindi kasi pera ang motivation ko. and so i stuck with it for years, driven by the dream. ngayon wala na ang dream. but it's too late to start anew and turn my back on six years of working in this field.

maybe i'm wrong, maybe i still can. but still. maybe i don't want to leave. because.

freelancing. on the flight.
go lang ng go.
anywhere, with anyone, no strings attached.
the only thing that keeps me grounded is love. which may be one of the biggest reasons why i don't want to leave.

money and love. and i can live happily ever after.

kung wala ka nang faith sa sarili mo, mamamatay na lang ang "dream" ng kusa. iiyakan mo, malulungkot ka, mararamdaman mo ang paminsan-minsang bulusok ng desire to do it, pero lilipas din, mawawala din. and at the end of the day, what's really important is what you need to do to survive, to be comfortable, to be happy.

there are other roads to rome.
hindi ko makakalimutan yung gabing sinabi sa kin yun ng isang kaibigan. kasi yun yung gabi ng The Talk That Put a Period on a lot of Things. tama sya. pwede ko pa namang i-pursue. pero sa ngayon wag na muna. sa ngayon iba na ang interpretation ko sa quotable quote nyang yon.

there are other ways to be happy.
and i'm trying to find them right now.
bahala na kung ano. basta ang alam ko, gusto kong yumaman.

* * *

the other day, nasa nasugbu ako. 2nd AD for a soap. first time kong makatrabaho ang lahat ng tao dun. pag walang crowd talents, nakatunganga ako. nakakapanibago, pero masarap naman palang tumunganga knowing na bayad pa rin ang oras mo.

ang lamig sa nasugbu pag gabi. bigla akong nalungkot. ang hirap sa freelance, wala kang permanenteng work family. pero okay lang.
basta alam mo ang priorities mo, at the end of the day you're happy.

kahapon, nasa star city ako. crowd director din for a minimovie. kaibigan ko halos lahat ng mga katrabaho ko, kaya mas masaya. pero may tunganga factor pa rin kasi crowd talents lang inaasikaso ko. i've been doing script continuity work for so long, nakakapanibagong magtrabaho sa isang set na hindi ako concerned sa continuity at shots. pag nagsabi ang cameraman ng "Rolling!", ilang beses pa rin akong instinctively pumipindot sa stopwatch ko. nakakatawa, kasi kahapon wala naman akong suot na stopwatch.

ang hirap kahapon, malalaki ang mga eksena, at maigsi ang pisi ko sa mga talents na pasaway. i had to yell para lang magkaintindihan kami. i felt bad afterwards. eto na naman ako. pina-prioritize ko na naman ang kelangang gawin over people's feelings and welfare. di ko na gagawin yun.

second time ko sa star city. first time was when osobear and i went there on our first anniversary. na-miss ko si osobear, lalo na nung makita ko yung starlet na artista sa show na pinagsusulatan nya. yung pagkamiss na may lungkot na kahalo, sa di ko maipaliwanag na dahilan. priority ko ang trabaho, kasi andyan lang sya palagi, at maiintindihan nya, dahil alam kong priority din nya ang trabaho. pero malungkot maka-miss ng tao sa panahong hindi mo sya dapat nami-miss.

taking the dream out of the equation, mas desensitized ka, mas impersonal. hinihiwalay ang puso sa utak, ang pakiramdam sa pag-iisip, ang professional sa personal. it will take getting used to, pero priorities dictate. dahil wala namang ibang master plan. wala nang ibang greater end.

gusto ko pang mag-AD for tv. go lang ng go. hopeful ako sa maraming possibilities. and willing the universe to conspire with me.

* * *

beach vacation will have to wait. makukuha ko rin yan nang libre. i will it!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

50 things i wasn't able to write about in the past two months

1. how i lost the scholarship.
2. how losing the scholarship had somehow become a blessing-in-disguise.
3. feeling lost and clueless, sans a master plan.
4. picking up a lesson or two on how to direct a film comedy (push it! exaggerate! do something crazy-outrageous!).
5. living through the haggard last few weeks of shooting the comedian-child star movie (and why i had to bail on the last week).
6. guilt over bailing out on two projects for pragmatic reasons.
7. learning about "The Secret" and trying (trying!) to implement it.
8. the momentary(?) shifting of my priorities in life.
9. starting the silly project.
10. leading a toxic, 6-workdays-a-week lifestyle for more than four straight weeks.
11. working with americans from L.A. (a first for me--and it ain't the same as working with americans from other places)
12. being called "scripty" (the american term for script supervisor) instead of "scriptcon".
13. learning how to do l1ne-scripting, to "timekeep", to work in front of the video monitor (instead of working beside the camera), to write and rewrite tedious reports on a daily basis, and all other nitty gritties of "scriptying", according to L.A.-merican standards.
14. realizing that i'd gotten really rusty in speaking straight english, in the course of being "forced" to do so everyday at work.
15. meeting 90s TV's Superman and the half-Pinoy dude in the Bl@ck Eyed Peas.
16. going to about a dozen memorable new locations in a span of four weeks, because of the silly shoot.
17. finding myself in places that i'd already been to because of work...and getting all nostalgic about the memories brought back by my "revisiting".
18. crossing paths again with people i'd worked with in different projects in the past.
19. realizing that #18 is a sign that i'm getting old in this field (the older you become, the more people you meet).
20. wondering if getting old can be equated to progressing, in this case, or if it's analogous to the fact that spreading out is not the same as climbing up.
21. getting an earnest lesbian proposal for the first time in my life. :-P
22. frustrations about the situation of script supervisors in the local industry.
23. realizing that i'm true-blue middle class, after having to work around very wealthy people.
24. realizing that work-wise, americans can be quite condescending towards filipinos, in general.
25. realizing how one and the same remark, previously perceived as a compliment, could actually "transform" into an insult, four weeks later.
26. realizing that one of the best ways to "fight" back (aside from working your ass off) is to use the tagalog language. after all, what they don't understand won't hurt you. haha.
27. realizing that while trust is something that needs to be earned, in some cases it's something that one might need to fight for.
28. happiness over working with fellow filipinos.
29. happiness over coke zeroes.
30. happiness over doing my job.
31. happiness over days off work.
32. happiness over wages.
33. buying a new, functional digicam for PhP 5K at Greenhills.
34. finding myself more and more in awe of the OsoBear's haggling capabilities (the best shopping companion, ever).
35. acting as bit player (in costume!) for one of the silly movie's scenes.
36. relishing our official Last Day for the silly shoot (day 27! over!).
37. happiness over the post-silly rest vacation.
38. occasional restlessness on non-working days.
39. dreams of an all-expenses-paid beach vacation on golden summer afternoons.
40. wanting an AD career in TV.
41. wanting a director to belong to.
42. wanting a TV prod family to belong to.
43. dreaming of money pouring in this summer.
44. dreaming of money, period.
45. my 94-year-old grandmother being confined in the hospital for bronchitis, and me helping her use the bedpan for the first time (ang hirap pala!)
46. 2nd AD-ing for @st1gs the tv show.
47. 2nd AD-ing for jud@i's new soap.
48. going to Manila's new Ocean Park for the first time.
49. valentine's dinner at Friday's with the OsoBear.
50. lunch at the OsoBear's house, with little kids running around carrying "Baby Schicks". :-)