Monday, February 26, 2007

panaka-nakang butil ng wandom shwandom para sa araw ng lunes

arghhhh. i hate left-brain mental work. right now. makes me wanna get up and run.

ayoko ng nakaupo lang. kaya ko nga nilayasan yung unang desk job ko. at yung pangalawa. wala naman akong nunal sa talampakan. pero gusto ko takbo nang takbo. gusto ko ng mabilis na buhay sa labas. kaso puro schedules at plano ang ginagawa ko ngayon. parang sinisilaban ang pwet ko pag more than 3 hours nang nakaupo.

naiinis ako sa microsoft excel. grrr.

yun lang naman ang angst ko sa buhay. sa ngayon. ayoko nang madagdagan pa. kasi kahit tunog reklamo, i'm happy. kahit na sa ngayon eh gusto kong TUMILAPON (tumilapon! promise!) sa isang malayong magandang lugar sa tabing-dagat habang nagtatrabaho.

lord, wish ko.
pray ko.
ok lang kahit maghintay ako ng isang buwan. kahit ma-uproot ako nang matagal. kahit umitim ako (lalo). basta worth it sya. basta masaya. at marami akong pera. hahaha.

arghhh. nothing beats doin what you like to do and getting paid well for it.

* * *

gusto kong bumalik ng bolinao. on vacation. sa holy week. sana matuloy kami. family outing. two and a half days. happy yon. sana!

two days na lang, shoot na naman. weehee. pagud-paguran na naman. sagad-sagaran from sunrise to sunrise. ok lang mangarag, at least hindi ako nakaupo. kahit nagsisisigaw ako sa ilang, nagmumukha nang longkatu sa ilalim ng mainit na araw.

haggardness = happiness. haha. pwede!

ok rin lang na nagtatrabaho ako kahit special ang araw na yon sa kin. mas gusto ko ang option na yon kesa sa alternative (nakaupo, nagse-skedyul sa Excel, NAKAUPO!). sana smooth ang buong shoot. sana hindi ma-late ang lolo m@rk herr@s. sana mabilis si direk. sana ma-packup kami ng 3 am nang nakumpleto lahat ng nasa schedule.

* * *

kahapon nag-ocular kami for jade's c1nemalaya movie. kapagod pala kahit hindi ka nagshu-shoot at bumabiyahe ka lang, lumalakad-lakad ka lang. na-miss ko tuloy yung muling-pagbubukas ng bahay ni k0ya. isang taon na ba? haggardness din non, lalo na pag pabukas pa lang ang bahay ni k0ya.

haggardness = erm, haggardness. pero in the final analysis, masaya rin naman. :-)

* * *

kahapon napadpad ako sa red ribbon. isang malaking chocolate mousse cake ang bumulaga sa kin sa estante. last month first time kong nakatikim ng chocolate mousse ng red ribbon. in fairness. naiwan sa time and place na yon ang kaluluwa ko.

* * *

aligaga sa march dahil sa jade movie. isang buong buwan ng kawangga. hay. meron pa namang 1hman movie (yes, may followup sya sa tr01ka. hehehe). di ko alam kung mapapagsabay ko kung sakali. wala kong drive sa ngayon kahit magtanong kung kelan nga ba ang 1st shooting date, dahil feeling ko talaga sasapaw.

paksyet. pwede bang hatiin ang katawan at utak?

* * *

yey. na-figure out ko na kung pano mag-page break nang maayos sa microsoft excel. di ko na sya hate. bestfriends na kami!

* * *

may blogspot account na si Direk (of the Landslide movie). yehey. puro kabadingan naman, kaynis. gagawa sya uli ng 1/3 ng isang trilogy. sana ako uli ang script con nya. :-)

* * *

girlfriend na ko ni Frog Princess.

as in: "hey girlfriend! shet, me date ako bukas! kelangan kong mag-beauty sleep para freshness ever!".

hahaha.
at least "girlfriend" pa rin. oks.

i love you girlfriend! :-)

* * *

hay. pwede pala yon ano. akalain mo.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

love, hope, faith, and other addictions

* current items on my daily to-do list: shooting schedules for two projects. boring. the bright side of it, though, is that making schedules is much more interesting to do than script continuity breakdowns. haha. i pray for more of these things in the coming years.

* paperwork, paperwork. that's my life these days. lonely job when you're not out there shooting. but the bright side of it (again! i'm SO optimistic. haha) is i have control over my time. pwedeng magpahinga anytime i want to, basta matapos pa rin ang trabaho within a certain deadline. pero hindi pa rin. preprod is important, but it's zzzzz. nothing beats the rush of shooting. all over the place. in far-off exotic locales. with dynamic, wonderful people.

* the "s@pi" movie shoots not yet over. two or three more days to go. the other day was particularly exhausting for me. strange, considering that there were no major sequences involved. nakakasakit pala ng ulo ang laging sumisigaw. hindi sigaw na pagalit--siguro mas nakakasakit ng ulo yon--kundi yung sigaw ng instructions. yung "quiet please!", "standby for take!", "action!", etcetera. nakakasakit din ng ulo pag mainit ang panahon at andaming extras/talents na kelangang i-block. pero hindi ako nagrereklamo. kasi gusto ko syang gawin. masaya naman syang gawin.

* right now i'm more inclined to believe an Assistant Director (who used to be a continuity supervisor) when she said na mas mahirap ang trabaho ng script con kesa AD. magkaiba ang nature ng trabaho nila pero ibang klaseng aligaga ang continuity work. from note-taking to memorizing to dialogue monitoring to postprod concerns. idagdag pa natin yung pagtulong nya sa AD that is the usual norm in pinoy moviemaking (sa ibang bansa kasi pag continuity ka, yun lang ang strictly gagawin mo). mas glamorosa nga lang ang titulo ng pagiging AD, kasi mas mataas ang ranking sa corporate ladder, pero personally mas nahihirapan ako sa trabaho ng script con. minsan, though, nami-miss ko rin. magpicture-picture for continuity photos. mag-memory work. mag-notes. but moving on we are, aren't we. moving on, and up, until we're finally There.

* "There". hay. what was the concept of "There", anyway? parang nakakalimot na ko.

* festival thingies to attend to in the next week are in order. please, Procrastinator Bluey. make time.

* i so wish i could also make time to sit down and try to do something "creative". i haven't done strictly creative work in a while. kumusta na ang One Great Dream, beeyatch? or has life distracted you somehow?

* honestly, i'm just taking whatever life throws my way. masyado kasing drastic ang magiging steps kung kakaririn ko ang One Great Dream sa ngayon. concentrating on the day job is somehow much easier to do. and it's playing safe. i earn money and somehow still feel that my life is getting somewhere, na fulfilled pa rin ako. alam ko kulang pa ang efforts ko. alam ko maling attitude na gawing substitute ang trabaho sa pangarap, where getting personal fulfillment is concerned. oo na, oo na!!!

* someday. someday. i hope i would no longer be saying these words five years from now.

* where the job is concerned, though, i'm full of hope right now. i'm waiting for something to materialize. something in the bright blue horizon, at the edge of a white-sand beach. something that will make this summer probably one of my most memorable ones yet. lord, please please. i pray, pray.

* after a taste of a long whirlwind year, i've made it my goal to make every year as busy as 2006. even busier. productive, exciting, adventurous. january has given me that. but it seems that february has been more devoted to preprod paperwork than shoots. nami-miss ko. gusto ko, gogogo lagi. gusto ko, lagi akong tumutilapon sa kung saan.

* pero darating ka pala sa puntong may mga factors kang iisipin, na hindi mo dating naiisip. back then i'd have no qualms about leaving home for long periods. except for the occasional bouts of homesickness, there were no major downsides. now there are certain things to consider. which isn't good, because somehow it dampens your excitement. it holds you back. me and myself have agreed what the real priority is for now. for now, it's the day job. although hindi rin naman masamang isipin ang ibang factors. ala namang kwenta ang buhay kung isang aspeto lang ang pagtutuunan mo ng pansin.

* balance. that's the magic word.

* and yes, faith.

* i've been praying the same prayer everyday. and i want to believe that god is responding in the positive. in spite of my doubting cynical self i know that it will all boil down to faith. in god. in people. in relationships. because in certain situations, faith is all that i will be able to rely on.

* love. tama ang red hot chili peppers. hindi mo seseryosohin ang kanta pero come to think of it, may sense of truth naman pala. haha!

Friday, February 16, 2007

how's this for a post-valentine entry

5 am. you wake up. you realize that in an hour you will have to go report for work. it's gonna be a challenging day, because you're doing something you haven't exclusively done before, and yet you find your thoughts straying. you find yourself thinking of something else. someone else. at 5 in the morning.

you haven't seen that someone in days, and all of a sudden you realize how each day actually mattered, and you discover that you're actually looking forward to seeing him again, more than simply "looking forward" to it, actually. you can't wait.

and you find it strangely funny, because a year ago you wouldn't have imagined yourself feeling that way for this person. a year ago? screw that. SIX MONTHS AGO you never would've thought. but a lot could change in a month, a day, even in that so-called blink-of-an-eye. feelings creep up on people, traitoriously, and before they know it they're goners.

you smoke a light and try to will yourself to fall back into a brief nap. you need the energy for the rest of the long work day. and yet your thoughts keep going back to that person, which boggles you and frustrates you, because this was not the way you planned it to be. he was supposed to sober you up, that was the role you had wanted him to have. him and his predictability. him and his corny jokes. him and every unideal thing about him that had always somehow turned you off, since Day One. you're a bit mad at yourself because you've made a promise not to let anything or anyone get in the way of The Priority. but now you're up at 5 am on the eve of an important work day. afloat and distracted. a restless, wandering mind.

you've had it dealing with things beyond your control, where your emotions are concerned. you've had it with open endings and long waits and impossible dreams. one month ago when you welcomed this person into your life you thought you had given a gift to yourself. you thought that you were finally going to take control of your life, and he was going to help you keep your emotional tendencies at bay. but now you realize that you're a goner, anyway. you thought you were playing safe, but you lost.

a goner. trustingly, vulnerably in love.

it scares you, because it's dangerous. you've been through the whole rollercoaster drill before. it was joy, but the pain that went with it was what you friggin couldn't stand. the cynic in you is raising hell, but somewhere a big part of you is hoping, praying, that this time around, things would be very different. that this time around, the person you’ve gifted with your love wouldn’t let you down. Because you’re hoping--and by god, praying—that this time around the fairy tale would actually follow convention. the other stories of your life were flukes. the others all sprouted and died on a one-way street.

but this one is special. because this time around the person actually loves you. or so he says. you find yourself doubting, every now and then. living in fear, in restless paranoia. thinking that maybe it was wrong to actually wholeheartedly believe what he would tell you. that maybe it was wrong to totally let your guard down.

the self-preserving side of you surfaces. this road looks familiar, but ironically you’re in it for the first time. you’ve always been a fairly complete whole for the most of your life. and you know that in spite of yourself, in spite of your feelings, you will always have it in you to protect yourself. emotionally. because you know yourself too well to be able to predict what would possibly be left of you—or the things that really, truly matter to you—should someone actually succeed in totally wrecking your heart.

that has always been your fear, ever since, and by no means are you going to let that happen. you promise yourself that nothing and no one should get in the way of the things that really, truly matter to you. not the person who says he loves you, not even yourself. and so at that moment you resolve that things will reach a healthy equilibrium, somehow. anything too much is bad, anyway.

you end this entry and prepare yourself for the work day ahead. next to the Dream, your work is one of the things that really, truly matter to you, ever since, way before this person came into your life. it’s what’s always made you happy. the adventure, the new people and places, the sheer joy of participating in aesthetic creation. it’s the love of your life. and you know that it will always stay that way, MUST always stay that way, because in that kind of setup you wouldn’t have to rely on someone else to be happy. you will only have to rely on yourself, and at least you know yourself well enough to know that you wouldn’t betray you. you wouldn’t intentionally let you down or hurt you.

you look at the time, you look out the window. 6 am. sunrise. time to get out there. time for work.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

shop talk on a cold february night

january gone. i haven't been blogging as much as i would have wanted to. sad, because lots of blog-worthy things have happened these past several days. thank god. for happiness. and work. and new people, new friends. and the promise of new opportunities.

actually, maraming dapat ipasalamat sa diyos pero madalas nakakalimutan kong mag-thank you, kahit pahapyaw lang bago matulog. kaya yun nga. salamat lord. i've never been happy like this. anything "extreme", laging may bweltang opposite "extreme", but the positive outweighs the negative.

shoot for Da Pwamis was wrapped about a week ago. now i'm being made to attend dubbing for the artistas. argh. i hate dubbing. it's the part of the script girl's job that i find the most boring, not to mention uninspiring.

after Da Pwamis the next feature film started shooting in montalban, rizal for two straight days. my first job as official assistant director. oks naman, the things i did during those two days ain't anything i haven't really done before (kasi ang script girl usually tumutulong na rin sa AD), but at least i didn't have to do continuity work. na medyo na-miss ko. na-miss kong kumuha ng continuity pictures with my bestfriend of a digital camera.

buong january haggard ang schedule ko dahil sa Da Pwamis at ilan pang raket na nangangailangan ng atensyon, kaya for the first two weeks of february gusto ko sanang bumawi at magpahinga. kahit sandali lang, o makadukot lang ng ilang araw na talagang purong chillaxation ang gagawin ko. andami kong na-miss na movies, andami kong na-miss na friends. pero syempre, after a few days, alam kong mami-miss ko na namang magtrabaho. gusto ko tuloy-tuloy. parang ayoko nang tumigil. gusto ko tumilapon na naman ako sa kung saang lupalop ng pinas (o ng mundo!) para makasama sa isang movie shoot. let's keep goin baby. makipagniig na tayo sa buhawi forever!

may isang bonggang movie project na gusto ko talagang salihan, kaso malapit na syang magsimulang i-shoot, at mukhang sasagasa sa currently grinding project namin sa montalban. the producer has asked me if i was available kaso hindi ako makasagot. ayoko namang mang-iwan dun sa kabila (kahit ba "indie" lang sya at walang masyadong budget). bukod pa sa unethical, gusto ko rin namang tapusin yon. nakakahiya sa direktor na sobrang naging mabait sa kin (kahit na nung una eh medyo magulo at sabog ang sistema nya). nakakahiya din sa mga kasamahan ko. sayang talaga yung isa. kasi camiguin ang location. di pa ko nakapunta don! pihado adventure yon. sayang talaga, grrrrr!

isang minus lang ng project na yon sa kin, kinukuha nila ko as script continuity. medyo ayoko na kasing mag-continuity. gusto ko nang mag-assistant director, promise! break lang ang kailangan sa mainstream, tuloy-tuloy na yan. kaso yun nga, nata-typecast akong script cont. nae-enjoy ko naman yung trabaho kaso feeling ko ready na ko to take the next step up the "corporate" ladder. haha.

pero ok lang, trabaho pa rin naman. high profile masyado ang project para pag-hinartehan ko no. basta! sa ngayon i'm just...waiting for things to unfold. kung gusto ni lord na makuha ko yung camiguin project na yon, mamu-move ang grind date nya. lord sana ma-move ang grind date nya. please!

cold february. literally. gusto ko na munang matulog. there's something that i'm really aching to write about but that will have to wait. boborlogs muna ko.

goodnight world!