how's this for a post-valentine entry

5 am. you wake up. you realize that in an hour you will have to go report for work. it's gonna be a challenging day, because you're doing something you haven't exclusively done before, and yet you find your thoughts straying. you find yourself thinking of something else. someone else. at 5 in the morning.

you haven't seen that someone in days, and all of a sudden you realize how each day actually mattered, and you discover that you're actually looking forward to seeing him again, more than simply "looking forward" to it, actually. you can't wait.

and you find it strangely funny, because a year ago you wouldn't have imagined yourself feeling that way for this person. a year ago? screw that. SIX MONTHS AGO you never would've thought. but a lot could change in a month, a day, even in that so-called blink-of-an-eye. feelings creep up on people, traitoriously, and before they know it they're goners.

you smoke a light and try to will yourself to fall back into a brief nap. you need the energy for the rest of the long work day. and yet your thoughts keep going back to that person, which boggles you and frustrates you, because this was not the way you planned it to be. he was supposed to sober you up, that was the role you had wanted him to have. him and his predictability. him and his corny jokes. him and every unideal thing about him that had always somehow turned you off, since Day One. you're a bit mad at yourself because you've made a promise not to let anything or anyone get in the way of The Priority. but now you're up at 5 am on the eve of an important work day. afloat and distracted. a restless, wandering mind.

you've had it dealing with things beyond your control, where your emotions are concerned. you've had it with open endings and long waits and impossible dreams. one month ago when you welcomed this person into your life you thought you had given a gift to yourself. you thought that you were finally going to take control of your life, and he was going to help you keep your emotional tendencies at bay. but now you realize that you're a goner, anyway. you thought you were playing safe, but you lost.

a goner. trustingly, vulnerably in love.

it scares you, because it's dangerous. you've been through the whole rollercoaster drill before. it was joy, but the pain that went with it was what you friggin couldn't stand. the cynic in you is raising hell, but somewhere a big part of you is hoping, praying, that this time around, things would be very different. that this time around, the person you’ve gifted with your love wouldn’t let you down. Because you’re hoping--and by god, praying—that this time around the fairy tale would actually follow convention. the other stories of your life were flukes. the others all sprouted and died on a one-way street.

but this one is special. because this time around the person actually loves you. or so he says. you find yourself doubting, every now and then. living in fear, in restless paranoia. thinking that maybe it was wrong to actually wholeheartedly believe what he would tell you. that maybe it was wrong to totally let your guard down.

the self-preserving side of you surfaces. this road looks familiar, but ironically you’re in it for the first time. you’ve always been a fairly complete whole for the most of your life. and you know that in spite of yourself, in spite of your feelings, you will always have it in you to protect yourself. emotionally. because you know yourself too well to be able to predict what would possibly be left of you—or the things that really, truly matter to you—should someone actually succeed in totally wrecking your heart.

that has always been your fear, ever since, and by no means are you going to let that happen. you promise yourself that nothing and no one should get in the way of the things that really, truly matter to you. not the person who says he loves you, not even yourself. and so at that moment you resolve that things will reach a healthy equilibrium, somehow. anything too much is bad, anyway.

you end this entry and prepare yourself for the work day ahead. next to the Dream, your work is one of the things that really, truly matter to you, ever since, way before this person came into your life. it’s what’s always made you happy. the adventure, the new people and places, the sheer joy of participating in aesthetic creation. it’s the love of your life. and you know that it will always stay that way, MUST always stay that way, because in that kind of setup you wouldn’t have to rely on someone else to be happy. you will only have to rely on yourself, and at least you know yourself well enough to know that you wouldn’t betray you. you wouldn’t intentionally let you down or hurt you.

you look at the time, you look out the window. 6 am. sunrise. time to get out there. time for work.