Friday, August 20, 2004

garfield's dead

beauty and innocence died this morning. she was lying at the foot of my bed. i was meaning to wake her up, but when i touched her, i knew she was dead. it was the first time in a lng time that i actually touched a dead body.

she was a three (or four?) week old kitten that i had chanced upon the gutters and brought home about a week ago. she was shivering in the rain, all muddy and howling. it was obvious that she had been left there to die. i took her and cleaned her up. we named her garfield, because she had orange fur.

she was beautiful. she had the smallest, loveliest, most innocent feline's face i've ever laid eyes on. her eyes were round and black and all of wide-eyed innocence. and i was looking forward to seeing her grow up into a lithe, beautiful cat. i was looking forward to seeing her grow up, period. and now this.

i was crying like an idiot this morning. she was so small. the size of my fist, probably. and she had this habit of burrowing herself in really tight places. last night she slept at the foot of our mattress. i don't know what happened. she was crushed to death. and the thought that i could have been responsible for it, it just kills me.

no. i'm not going to die. not now. nothing's gonna kill me. i'm going to survive whatever this is that i'm going through. because only the weak and helpless die.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

notes from an all-too-serious quirk

top five movies i really want to see right now:
1. kill bill 2 (went all the way to baguio to buy a vcd copy,'s lying there at home waiting to be watched. just you wait baby...)
2. kill bill 1 (...cause i must see part 1 first to get maximum pleasure from both. but the copy over at our neighborhood ACA is ALWAYS out. merde!!!)
3. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (been hearing lots of good things about this film...will watching this somehow change my life...or is that expecting too much?)
4. the village (i ALWAYS look out for shymalan films. i love him for being a visual storyteller. i hope this interesting new film won't disappoint me!)
5. now that i have you (after spending the last five months of my life putting up with God knows what, i'm more than curious to see what the end product is...after all, it is also my movie...kahit papano)

it's a (s)mall world after all
skipped the premiere last night and went out with my college friends instead. our friend MELISSA has come home after months of working on a ship as cruise photographer (the entire night was her treat! thanks mel!).

we met in the same mall that the premiere was being held (megamall), at around the same time (7pm). bumping into any of the people from the prod staff was something i wasn't looking forward to (i'd rather not have to explain why i wasn't going to the premiere, despite the fact that i was already in the area). so i brought my "anonymity" bonnet, just in case. hehe.

of course i would have wanted to see the movie, but i wouldn't exchange time with my friends for that glitzy affair. going to the premiere would mean more than just watching the movie; it would also mean brushing elbows with people from the movie as well, including some of those whom i would rather not see again for the rest of my quiet little life. erm, i would rather not take the chance...not this soon, amigos! :-P

* - * - *
a bum's life (we're not on self-pity mode again, are we? )
the movie's over. i'm jobless, virtually penniless, living off my parents' kindness. i just realized that last night at UCC coffee with my college friends. they all have jobs. Apple has Unitel, Herbert has his (mysterious?) Malate editing job, Mel has her cruise ship. Kresta, of course, has her Creative research (which reminds me--i do miss lola monjam, my Creative "best friend"!). i'm the only bum in that table. it was kinda depressing, really. from one job to another. i quit the desk job, now i'm starting all over again. it was my choice, yes. and i don't regret it. i just wish that another job would come real soon.

i wonder, though, if i should just keep working on what i'm working now (a synopsis for a feature-length film proposal, deadline on August 15) or start working on getting work. The slapshock video was a blessing that practically landed on my lap. I've been praying for another blessing like that...been relying on the Lord's kindness to help me out of this rut.

nasa dios ang awa nasa tao ang gawa, so they say...

but something in me feels that i should just trust god on this one. so i leave everything to him now. i'll just work on what i'm working now, and pray that it will come out good enough.

* - * - *
break na tayo...whoever you are
at the wake of finishing my first movie project, i'm also ending a relationship with The Boyfriend. they'd never know why, and i won't have to explain. i never really wanted a Boyfriend anyway. i've had it with being a closeted single (hetero) woman!

* _ * _ *

pop quiz, hotshot

what would you do if you're 24, never been in a real long-term relationship, and someone you don't feel especially attracted to (but who's not necessarily unattractive) is wooing you?

a. encourage him/her--after all, you're 24, and if you're aiming to find the Right Person (and eventually nurture a meaningful relationship with him) sometime in this lifetime, you should be "practicing" your social (read: dating) skills by now, right?

b. ignore him/her--if it's not real, why bother? it would be unfair to the guy if you encourage him. wag mong lokohin ang sarili mo 'day.

kindly circle the right letter before the bell rings-------------------------------------------

Sunday, August 08, 2004

i am so relieved that that movie's over. i am so relieved i won't have to put up with mornings like that again...for the meantime.
anyway, thank you beatlebum and waterfowl, for being there when i was on the floor crying. i needed that. sniff, sniff!

i wish i could talk about what i do for a living, i wish i could spill more of the beans where my life outside the virtual page of this diary is concerned, but i won't. i would rather be relatively anonymous, so that i can spill my beans freely about anything and everything without getting the mess on my shirt.

hahahay...eto na naman bullshit na naman ako...tama na nga.

went to baguio three days ago. the pine city that i saw was littered with beautiful people. and a basically beautiful place, too.