Friday, June 30, 2006

write while the iron is hot

things to be happy about right now:
1. after wednesday's shoot, i have today and tomorrow as rest days.
2. the weighing scale said i dropped more or less five pounds since two weeks ago. too slow, but at least i'm back to my semi-normal weight. konti na laaang!
3. i'm glad i've found an Assistant Director who's not only a co-worker but a friend, as well. that's a first. i love you sister!
4. and because she's a friend (and yeah, maybe, probably, she has some dint of confidence in me), she says she's going to get me as script con if she accepts the prestigious new project for regal.
5. i have more energy today than my usual low these past several days.
6. if tomorrow night's planned malate trek would push through, i just might see FG again for the first time in months. awww. love you din sister!

1. i was running on perilously low energy during last wednesday's shoot. lugmok-tired. i'd had too little sleep the night before, i.e. two hours. and it was so friggin hot on the set, the heat was draining out everybody's energy as well. went home not only exhausted, but depressed. everything's been goin well at work, but somehow the blahs have hit me again. the Alang Gana syndrome. parang di ko na naeenjoy ang ginagawa ko. it happened a few times in the Vietnam film, now it's happening again. maybe it's just lack of sleep and the physical exhaustion. maybe three days is all i need to regain the enthusiasm that used to carry me through each and every adventure.

2. it's the first time i'd consciously tried to lose weight in nine months. haha. parang nanganak. work is a great weight loss tool. shooting GeeGee at Waterina in December (i had no appetite the entire two days we were shooting), editing it in January (no appetite as well during those several straining days), then doing segment producing work for Da Haus (it was a very physical job, runnin around shooting every single day for about a week). and then i took the Story Ed job, which was probably the Best Weight Loss Tool I've Ever Had. haha. little sleep, daily pressures, daily tensions, yosi, coffee. with everything flying over your head, who would remember to eat? deadlines were everything.

3. i worked with this current film's AD in F0ll0wing R0sa, the f0reign film that was shot here in November-December last year. she's a darling. period. sana wag magbago.

4. i'm actually having second thoughts about taking another script supervising job after this film, but if the current would thrust me in that direction, why not. bahala na si lord. i was thinking of going back to my Personal Project after we wrap up this film in August, but if the opportunity to get another project presents itself, i'd probably take it. pag talagang inanod ako papunta sa direksyong yon, malamang ibig sabihin non si God na ang nag-decide.
pag nagkataon, nakakatuwa lang isipin. three movies this year, plus Da Haus stint and the short film. i'd want to look back to 2006 as a busy, busy year. sige, sana nga matuloy yung sa Regal. pag nagkataon first-time director na naman ang matotoka sa kin. which suits me just fine, cause seeing first-time directors at work might teach me a thing or two about what not to do when the day comes that i'd be in that (much coveted) position myself.

5. i need the rest. i need the rest! halleluiah!

6. sabi nga ng isa kong friend kung magrereflect siguro ang identities ng mga Profile Viewers ni FG sa Fwendster, malamang puro ako ang lalabas na nag-view. haha. eh ganun talaga. hanggang tingin na lang naman e. at hanggang dun na lang yun, kasi sister na lang ang tingin ko sa kanya ngayon. (charuz. etchos. chikah) at least matutupad na rin ang pinapanga-pangarap kong chance para umangkas sa wheels nyang amoy-strawberry sa loob. mmm-bango.

hay. work, work. this is turning out to be an effective horror film. for the first time in a long time, i got to work in a movie that i myself would want to watch.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

deal, or no deal?

another one of those low energy days. requirements to rush for our film, gee-gee at waterina; somehow i managed to drag myself around and accomplish all of them today.

feeling low. hindi ko mapinpoint kung anong root cause, basta matamlay lang ang mga araw lately. hindi rin naman dahil ngarag sa film shoots, dahil thrice a week lang naman yun. ewan.

so buong araw ganito, until something happened. i thought of doing something that i normally wouldn't do. suddenly i was no longer feeling low, i was feeling a bit anxious. what if wrong move sya? what if hindi maganda ang magiging resulta? but a ym-versation with a friend last night had somehow convinced me that maybe i've been pulling on the ropes too taut. be forewarned, she told me. she'd been in this situation before.

it's weird, considering na hindi naman ako ganon kaapektado sa isyung to, pero medyo matagal ko ding pinag-isipan kung gagawin ko ba o hindi. tinext ko pa ang isa kong kaibigan: "choose your answer. deal, or no deal?"

pag deal, gagawin ko. pag no deal, hindi. meaning i shouldn't compromise, because the results wouldn't be good.

"deal!" the friend replied, without a clue as to what the answer is for.


it took some time for me to finally do it. as i waited for the consequences of my action, pababa na naman nang pababa ang energy ko. so much so that i wanted to go to bed and and kiss the world goodnight at 6 pm. i thought to myself, baka nga mali ang ginawa ko. napalitan ang lungkot ng inis. the silence legitimizes my suspicions. ganon pala ha. sabi ko na tama ako e. sabi ko na...!!

tapos biglang dumating ang resbak ng langit--at masaya ito. unti-unting nawala lahat ng negative feelings. para kong tinurukan ng insulin. bigla akong nagising. aba, ganito nga pala ang feeling ng buhay ka.

tama yung friend ko sa ym kagabi. minsan nakakainis nga yung sobrang maingat. para kang kuhol na forever nang nakatago sa loob ng bahay mo.


shoot na naman tomorrow. energy, energy! Day 6 of 17 days. mas masayang mag-shoot para sa isang Pinoy film. lahat kami nagkakaintindihan. mas masaya at bonded ang mga tao. and i feel more useful, being given extra floor-work (blocking talents, especially) to do. sana lang hindi kami abutin ng madaling araw bukas. i easily run out of energy these days.

Monday, June 26, 2006

D-Day 2

cheers to all first-time directors who know what they want and are able to translate it beautifully onscreen.

that's a great consolation for the people who work for them.

and an inspiration, to people who can only dream of one day going through the same exhilarating, fulfilling, too-ideal-to-be-real experience.

inspiration and frustration. sometimes i can't tell one feeling from the other. lagi kasing magkakabit. lagi kong sabay na nararamdaman.

Friday, June 23, 2006


i'm kinda depressed today because...

...i didn't get the new script bookbound this afternoon, and i'm running out of time. sunday's the shoot and i have to accomplish that bookbinding thing tomorrow.
...i can't eat what i want. been on a diet for the past six days. losing weight is a bit harder now than it used to be, what with me being sedentary and homebound most of the time.
...i'm bored. dunno why.
...i have translations to do, but i'm not in the mood to move my (fat, sorry) a$$ to do them.
...i feel bad about having to complicate the little white lie last night. complicate, meaning, having to use the same lie to a new person, just because The-Grouch-Who-Annoyed-Me-So-Much-In-Vietnam was in the same circle of conversation. i was cornered. will have to put a stop to this. will have to set up the Breakup soon. i'll say that he's been getting in touch with me less and less, that we've drifted apart after Vietnam, that he's probably nurturing something for somebody else. for all i know, it just might be closer to the truth than i could actually think.
...hearts get broken all the time.
...i just met a high school classmate (Grace Halo) who's getting married by the end of the year. huwaat.
...everyone's falling in love around me and here i am, forever languishing in subzero. brrr.
...i want to fall in love. with the right person. kaso mukhang nasa ibang planeta ata si Right Person. o baka naman hindi pa pinapanganak, o deadbol na. just my friggin luck. sa next life na lang siguro.
...i'm glad for the new project but there's a part of me that's holding back. the work is familiar territory, i've worked with some of the peeps in the staff, but somehow...i'm not as excited as i usually would be at the beginning of a new project. ewan ko. maybe it's just the jitters over having to acquaint myself with a new troupe, and coming into the project a week late. but i know the lord will guide me. as he always does.

hay. inane, inane. maybe it's just another one of those days. maybe i'll get to sleep soundly tonight and wake up happy tomorrow.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

when labor calls

i've been home for a week now. wow. yesterday i was just packing up my stuff to take to the saigon airport. yesterday i just turned 26.

the past seven days just flew by. i saw no reason to keep track of the calendar. i'm already home.

and interestingly, with enough stuff to busy myself with. got my last paycheck from Da Haus (and with a sack of rice, to boot!). got myself a haircut (reminiscent of those old Kilig-Show days, bangs and all). did partial work on the current personal projects and was just gaining momentum when i found out that the last baby project, GeeGee at Waterina, needed some tending to.

that is, subtitling. and it needs to be done ASAP, before my work mills start grinding again. and because writer Dennis' own work mills are busily on the grind now as we speak that leaves me as the only candidate for the task. argh.

but we gotta do what we gotta do, okay, so quit complaining.

i was about to start on the paperwork tonight when something else came along. the new project. the work mills are calling me to labor, and the call came sooner than i'd expected. as in, tomorrow.

hala. i'm glad for the call. i'm glad that i'm going to work again. but i haven't maximized this little post-saigon vacation yet. i haven't finished the personal projects yet. and yes, the GeeGee at Waterina subtitling has to be put on a fast track, in time for Saturday's editing session. which leaves me only tonight and tomorrow night to work on it.

good luck sa akin.

looking forward to tomorrow's meeting, though. work is still work. this time around, the work will stretch on for 14 shooting days in a span of 5 weeks. long time. spaces of non-work days in between. first-time director. target wrap would be by end of july.

hay. byebye, leisurely days. byebye, vacation plans. byebye, social life. sana lang talaga the adventure would be worth the little joys that i'd have to give up for now.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

to-do, to-do

Checklist for the Homecoming To-Dos:

1. contact someone re: the next project
check. just waitin here for the phone call that would signal the beginning of a new tenure. after my saigon (career-related) realizations, the enthusiasm over rackets like this has waned somewhat. not exactly pullin at the days. money is money, of course, but something else needs my attention: Homecoming To-Do # 8. aside from the fact that I'm still on vacation mode, of course. BUT you gotta do what you gotta do. so i'm on-call.

2. collect my last paycheck from my tenure at Da Haus
dang. if i remember right there still was one collectible left for one week's work. i don't know. maybe i should double check this. sayang din yun.

3. go shopping!
not planning on making any big spree in the near future. maybe just the essentials. masyado naman akong na-excite when i put this on the checklist.

4. get on a weight loss plan (argh, i think i gained weight in the past two months)
ongoing, ongoing!

5. get a haircut
this i have to do next week. the hair has been getting a little heavy on my shoulders lately.

6. meet friends for coffee
i have met a bunch of friends, but not for coffee. met with highschool bestfriend Sappho two nights ago for a night with Keanu Reeves at the movies (yes, I saw the Lake House and actually liked it). and last night was videoke time with Beatlebum, Monj, and Waterfowl.

7. go on an out-of-town vacation
a Baguio trip is on the plan for the 24th (let's hope this does push through). fresh air would be most welcome...and I'd definitely make sure to purchase a pair of rechargable batteries for my digital camera for this trip.

8. write a film (lord, please please)
currently trying my darndest to work on it, little by little each day. i hope i get to finish a first draft of the new script by the end of the month. because this one is something i would really want to make. something that i really believe in.

btw, our film GeeGee at Waterina managed to get itself included among the ten short film finalists for Cinemalaya. and whoever has been spreading these press releases has somehow managed to reduce my first name to a mere initial (maybe i'll go with that screen name from here on, mukha kasing misteryoso. hehe). well, despite whatnot, despite my personal impressions on the film, i still hope and pray that the heavens would be extra nicer to us again this time. who knows. baka magka-milagro!

9. do videoke (miss ko na to!)
last night was happy hour althroughout til around 1 am. the fun thing about videoke with the usual crowd is that it's not only about the sheer joy of singing but also the goofiness that goes along with it. we recorded our "performances" on beatlebum's camera phone and the clips were pretty hilarious. definitely for the UTube archives!

10. make more copies of the demoreel
argh. this requires some work. not up for it now, but will have to do something about this soon.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

hello philippines and hello...


the skies over saigon from the plane window

by the time the plane reached Manila skies, it was 7 in the evening and the citylights were just starting to come on. hadn't realized til that moment just how pretty Manila looks at night, from a bird's eye view. a black velvet sky down below, softly studded with millions of little stars.

i missed manila!

arriving home was something i'd been fantasizing over since, like, seven weeks ago. haha. and it was wonderful. especially after having seen this guy again:
would ya look at that funny headpiece, em oy!

just hope that this kind of happiness would actually last. knowing me i'd probably start missing saigon and the kids i'd known there in about 2-3 days. haha!

lots to tell, from the wrap party onwards, but i'm too sleepy now to even try to make sense here. let's just end this note with a couple of resolutions. or three.

i'm going to push myself.
i'm going to get the heck out of the comfort zone.
i'm going to start enjoying writing again.

so help me god. please!!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

and it's a wrap...sarap!

day 29 of 29 days. OVER!

amist hugs and thank you's, amidst bye byes and see-yous, there i was, probably the happiest person in the group, the happiest person ever at 7 am.

sa wakas...ang wakas.

i deposited myself to my hotel room at 7:30, too wired to fall asleep, too excited about the impending trip home to be able to lie still. brimming with plans, yearning to get on with the life that i've been used to, before i was uprooted and exported to this foreign land.

funny, because the experience was relatively good. not spectacular in my current perception (laging delayed ang appreciation ko ng mga pangyayari sa buhay e), but
generally pleasant. the only flaw was that it was far from home. far from the comfort zone. the life and lifestyle that i've grown used to was put on hiatus for nearly two months.

and for such a comfort-craving scaredycat like yours truly, two months is a looong time. hah.

bluey's such a ba-by...

* * *

since i couldn't sleep i hastily got out of bed, went to the next-door internet shop, and called home using RingVoiz. it was 9:30 in the morning in the pinas--ahead of vietnam time by an hour. and talked to nearly every person in the household.

i miss you guys, mwahmwahmwah. i'm goin home now, see you in 24 hours.

and my mom's reply to those musheries was a dry, sleepy, "okey. sige na, mahal na ang bill mo sa telepono."


* * *

and tonight would be the Wrap Party. wow. tonight will probably be the first time in several weeks that i'd be ravin drunk in Saigon. i've definitely made plans for that.

* * *

things i plan to do when i get back home:
1. contact someone re: the next project
2. collect my last paycheck from my tenure at Da Haus
3. go shopping!
4. get on a weight loss plan (argh, i think i gained weight in the past two months)
5. get a haircut
6. meet friends for coffee
7. go on an out-of-town vacation
8. write a film (lord, please please)
9. do videoke (miss ko na to!)
10. make more copies of the demoreel

Monday, June 12, 2006

little white liar

apparently my goodbyes came a bit too soon.

na-postpone ang day 29. mamayang gabi na sya. we had to postpone last night's shoot becausen of prince william.

oo, nandito sa saigon si prince william ngayon. da royal hunk is in saigon because of the AP3C summit. aww. nikikilig ako. never ko naman syang naging type, pero sa kasalatan na rin ng mga papable na faces dito pwede nang pagtyagaan. hah.

as if naman may makakakita sa kanya, sa dami ng mga guards na malamang eh nakapaligid dun.

homecoming will have to be postponed to june 14th, too. oks lang. two days to go.

* * *

remember my Little White Lie about the Name and the Face? it seems that the world has become too small. i've been tracked down. so now i have to be a lot more careful not to reveal the truth behind the little white lie.

parang pelikulang ginawa para sa takilya. silly girl concocts some little white lie, and soon circumstances forces the little white lie to breed more little white lies. we know how the plot goes. the girl gets found out. but i've done this in real life enough times to know that in reality, you CAN get away with it. somehow. sana ganon pa rin sa kasong ito.

bakit nga ba ko nagsinungaling? para protektahan ang sarili ko? para lumayo ang mga ayokong lumapit? ano nang gagawin ko ngayon? totohanin ko na lang kaya para hindi na sya maging kasinungalingan?

pwede rin, pero ayoko. sino naman, if ever? everyone is guilty unless proven innocent.

the name and the face. kung tototohanin natin, bluey, hindi na magiging kasama sa storya si Face. kasi bading sya. si Name na lang. gusto mo yon?

ewan. sana lang hindi ko na muna makita ang mga taong pinagsinungalingan ko. hanggat hindi pa nagiging totoo ang little white lie ko.

and that, folks, might take a while.

cause i believe that when you meet the person, you would know. na pwedeng sya na nga ang matagal mo nang hinihintay.

but as of now, sarado ang tindahan. hangga't nandito ako sa vietnam.

* * *

ba't kasi na-track down pa ko e. goodbye to my days of absolute, unbridled freedom of expression (via bulletin board surveys. hah.). hello to the Internal Board of Censors. grrr! kainis talaga.

* * *

aaargh! can't wait to go home.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

day 29 awaits

day 29 of 29 days tonight, at 9 pm!

senti time again, bluey blue? not really. i don't know why. maybe i've gotten past that phase already. missing everyone. maybe my joy upon the thought of coming home overshadows the rue i should've been feeling about having to say goodbye to these folks i've worked with for 29+ days (not excluding preproduction).

maybe so, or maybe i've emotionally locked myself up a bit too well in the past two months. kaya wala akong nararamdamang pagkalungkot.

so who should i be missing?
the vietnamese wardrobe department who just loooove me so much (when i call any of them "me oy"--"mommy" in vietnamese--they all laugh and hug me)?
the vietnamese crew of lights and grips (boys will be boys, anywhere, everywhere)?
the viet-french direk?
our grandpere of a cinematographer?
the beautiful cast (especially, ehem, the cutest of the bunch)?
Miss Tu, the makeup artist (who taught me how to treat acne the vietnamese way)?
George, the Aussie Assistant Art Director who is also one of my favorite persons in the crew?
My fellow Pinoys in the brood (except for one, but I have a feeling that we will end this film in semi-friendly terms)?
The boys at the carpool--
Jeremy the Canadian who's Ever-Sarcastic-In-A-Sometimes-Funny-Way,
Kevin the Viet-Kieu who was always there for Viet-English translations,
Nolette (one of my kababayans)whose memorable lines from real life include "Want me to hit you, man? Want me to hit youuu?" and "This is MY VAN! Take a taxi!" (hahaha. won't ever forget that, 'dre)
Aaron, the 2nd AD who reminds me of someone from the Pinas (and no, it's not FG)?
Tung, the Viet Boomguy whom I keep teasing to our Clapper Guy (once told him: "do you know that in Tagalog, your name actually means "lesbian"?)?
Coung, the ever-fresh-smelling, ever clean, ever fah-bulous member of the bunch (need I say that he's the only gay guy in there as well?)?

Hmm. Maybe I should also miss the ever-accommodating Crafts Services (i.e. Utility and Catering) em oys, who already know my beverage of choice ("Red Bull? Ok, ok!"). Or Lai Oy, Tung's ka-loveteam. Mr. Fouk, the Loader, who would always take care of me in one way or another (kahit di naman kami close).

These people, and maybe a few more.
Come to think of it, parang nagiging senti na rin ako.

I'm glad for the chance to have met you, guys.
I'll see you all again. Soon or someday.

day 28

day 28 was a light day. but we're bracing ourselves for day 29. calltime: 9 pm. six scenes to finish before dawn.

good luck. good luck talaga.

but i have no doubt about it. we will finish by dawn. i trust our Assistant Director (who runs the shooting pace) enough to believe that.

and then, the Wrap Party.

and then, a little Pasalubong Shopping Part 2.

and then, bye-bye Vietnam, hello Philippines.

home! home sweet home.


day 28 of 29 days. done at 9 pm.
three days to go before hometime.
chanced upon fg on ym tonight. the same acerbic, strangely endearing humor.

i missed you, sister.
i'm fine out here, thanks for asking.
kumusta na'ng lovelife?
kumusta na'ng buhay buhay?
kelan tayo magvi-videoke uli?
kelan tayo magkikita uli?

i am so looking forward to that day.
so looking forward to it.

seeing you again would definitely be something to look forward to.

Friday, June 09, 2006

the asian connection


masaya nga rin pala ko dahil my mom (who carried a valid but blank passport for probably a decade), is now officially a tourist in Kuala Lumpur..and staying in a classy five-star hotel at that. naks naman! she sounded so happy from her SMS's.

masaya din ako for another first-time traveler, monj, who recently went on a two-day trip to singapore. mukhang worth it naman ang two-day trip, hehe. sana matuloy ang siquijor ro-ro adventure, monj. i'm really looking forward to somekinduva getaway before the labor mills start grinding again...

last night as i was eating at benh than i got to share the same table with a japanese transient whose plane had just made a stopover in saigon. she's a student who'd flown in from australia and was on her way home to japan. japan! now that's some place i'd like to see, too. the locals near our table were gawking at her (ganun sila pag maputi at halatang foreigner), but she was just so nice. it would've made a cute Star Cinema movie concept if i had been a guy. or she had been. haha.

hay buhay. there are over a billion people out there whom i'd probably never get to meet in this lifetime. makes me wonder what i might have missed.

happy, shalala

two days ago...
day 27 of 29 days over. we packed up just as the skies were about to turn morning-blue. a lot of bristling going on that night. a couple of boys from our staff got into a fist fight.

day off. fed with sleep. woke up past 12 noon. did a little shopping for pasalubongs. oh yes, home is in sight. but since we haven't been given our wages yet i had to budget (ha! as if i ever did any "budgeting") the shopping dough within my means. went to benh than, an "organized version of divisoria" (as one co-worker called it), and haggled my way around. one little discovery that i made was that they lower the prices once you pretend to go away. say "i'll come back, your stuff is too expensive" and actually turn your back to leave, and they'll give in to your asking price. haha. mas madali palang bumigay ang mga tindero't tindera dito.

at night, watching "the da vinci code" on dvd with the coworkers-at-the-carpool. the book was entertaining enough but not the type that would go down in literature history, but the movie itself would probably be a tad more forgettable than the novel. not that horrible, i've seen worse, but i was expecting more from someone like ron howard (who directed "parenthood", my favorite from the 90s). and of course, tom hanks. and audrey tatou would probably be better off going back to doing french films.

woke up at 3 pm, in a happy mood. and why not. i'm going home in four days. tomorrow will be a light work day (and let's not think about the heavy workload for last day yet, it will all fall into place).

right now...
ang ingay ng mga punyetang naglalaro ng PS2 sa paligid ko. i'm almost inclined to agree with a Canadian co-worker saying that the Vietnamese language sounds like "the clanging of pots and pans". ang chaka talaga sa tenga! hah!

ooh, beeyatchy! haha. fg, fg. kung kelangan ng inspirasyon, lagi at lagi na lang akong babalik sa yo. the others just won't do it for me. masokista ako e.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

dahil nag-red bull ako at 3 am...

day 25 of 29 days. over.

we shot in a new location today: pham ngu lao, a busy, lights-and-sound district in saigon. the lair of foreign backpackers. one of the best places i've seen of saigon so far. we shot our first scene in the rain. whew. from the soakin-sunstrokin' heat of the rural suburbs (yes, there is such a place) to rain and thunderstorms in a busy city roundabout. talk about opposite extremes.

extremes. i hate it and love it at the same time.

argh. i can't wait to go home. won't tire of saying that. i miss the fat li'l bro sooo much. i miss my room. my regular life at home. my dsl internet. sinigang na baboy. videoke. coffee with old friends.

new pics from fg. beautiful, as always. photogenic talaga ang lola. naiinis ako dahil napapakanta ko nang di oras.

punyeta talaga!

Sunday, June 04, 2006

ouch. ouch. ouch


the guilt. from past omissions. from past non-actions.
ignoring it wouldn't make it go away. sometimes it would even catch up on you. and even if it doesn't, you'd carry the guilt with you for as long as you have memories. you can block them out, consciously try to redirect your thoughts to other things, but at the back of your mind you know, you know that it's still there.

the guilt. like an ugly scar on your psyche.

i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. i wish i could have done it, i didn't mean to leave you hanging, but i felt that i had no choice at that time. i was just too...dispersed. too out of myself. struggling to concentrate on my then-present situation. but i know there was no excuse.

i'm really sorry. i know you will not read this, but i'm casting out my apologies to the wind, just in case.

i wish i could find a way to make it up to you.

* * *

day 24 of 29 days over. we finished early today. after a hefty pasta meal with the boys-at-the-carpool (rowdy, rowdy!), we all trooped to the neighborhood internet shop for our personal online needs. haha. getting online is no longer a luxury, but already a need in these strange interesting times.

and so here i am.

feeling guilty. as always.

ano bang nagawa kong kasalanan nung past life ko at napaka-guilt-prone kong tao?

* * *

right before the hefty pasta meal i went to the laundromat to pick up my laundry. the air was fresh from a sudden downpour and it was still drizzling; suddenly i found my thoughts drifting towards someone whom i haven't actually really thought about in quite some time.

and then i found myself singing.
that god-forsaken mymp song again.
how does it go?
especially for you...


natutuwa pa rin ako pag naiisip kita. pag naaalala ko kung pano ka tumawa. kung pano ka kumanta. kung ano yung mga pinagtatawanan natin dati. kung ano yung mga pinagdaanan natin dati. alam kong wala lang lahat sa yo yon, alam kong hindi na tayo close ngayon (as if naman naging close tayo ever, di ba), but i still smile at the memories of you. the memory of you.

punyeta talaga.

some feelings just won't leave you alone. guilt, and else.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

full circle

day 23 of 29 days over. 6 more working days to go.

when i go home something else awaits. a new shift. a first. something i have not officially done before.

it's been a wrinkled past four years, somehow. age does that to you. working does that to you. douses down the fire of your dreams. breaks you, rebuilds you, and turns you into a different person, somehow.

new and fortified. more guarded, a lot less trusting, but definitely wiser to the ways of the world than that young idealist from film school could ever be.

* * *

or at least that's what i thought yesterday.

maybe we all just come full circle.

* * *

with every adventure that i go through i carry something new with me, something to incorporate into my personhood. and last night, something that our cinematographer said had just sealed my faith in a recent realization.

"you want to become a director? just make your own film. some people who want to direct spend years and years working for people who make their own films, and in the end there is just a lot of frustration."

he's right.

my same sentiments four years ago, before i had joined the business.

and since i began, frustration has not been an alien feeling to me.

oho, SO not.

but everything has its pluses and minuses.

* * *

those words, coming from a french dude who was already working in the movies long before i was even born, were the centerpiece of a defining moment in this saigon journey.

the path has been riddled with questions. finally, i'm getting some answers.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

angshty shmangty

* day 22 of 28+1 days was over by 6 pm today. we shot scenes outside of the city. the so-called "rural village" suspiciously looked like laguna. haha, oh well. at least it reminded me of home. kahit hindi ako taga-laguna.

* the weather today was probably the hottest working condition i've ever been under. ever. it must have been more than a hundred degrees out there. i'm toasted brown, as usual. but i don't really care anymore. not for the next 7 or more days.

* i got pissed at someone today. the same person i've been getting pissed at for the last twenty-or-so days. ang sungit e. parang nag-aandropause. at dahil sa init ng panahon wala na rin akong pasensya sa mga bugnutin at masungit na mga hindi-ko-bossing na katulad nya. kung boss ko sya siguro pwede pang magpasensya. ganon talaga e. you have to play by the politics, whether you friggin like it or not. you need not suck up to the powers-that-be (plastik naman ng ganon mehn) but at least you should have a little more patience for the ones who control your fate in the current working place. pero NAMAN, kung magkaiba tayo ng departamento at hindi mo naman ako subordinate, please. i won't take shit from you. so don't take it out on me just because your own boss is laying out his own shitty baggage on you.

* i know this will pass. naglalabas lang ako ng pagkabwisit. kaso minsan dapat maglalabas ka din ng pangil. minsan it's your only protection from the world.

* siguro nga tama si (walang kamatayang!) frog princess. maybe there's a bitchiness to me na sinusupil ko lang noon pa. dahil "bad". dahil "unkind". dahil gusto kong paniwalain ang sarili ko na hindi ako masamang tao. eh punyeta (wow, ngayon ko lang nagamit ang "punyeta" sa blog na to), kung palagi kang magiging mabait eh baka magkasakit ka sa puso nyan. if someone tries to hit you, sometimes it would be healthy to hit back. healthy for you. and good for them. lalo na pag nasa tama ka.

* i wish i could go to bangkok after this movie. pero dahil marami akong dala, at ang mga likely companions ko eh mas maraming dalang bagahe, mukhang magiging improbable. sayang. nakapalaot na ko, maganda sana kung sagad-sagarin ko na. pero di pwede e. hanggang saigon na lang muna.

* i mourn for lost friendships. but i'm just too exhausted to try patching things up. if you're gone, then goodbye. the fact that you're no longer there must mean that we were not meant to be friends in the first place.

* it makes you sad, though. lalo na kung matagal ang pinagsamahan. kung marami nang pinagdaanan. eh ganon talaga buhay e. may mga bagay lang talaga na hindi na pwedeng bumalik sa dati. at minsan, wala ka na ring pakialam.