Saturday, April 30, 2005

semi-vampirism, extra joss and other sleepless ramblings

1. I'm a semi-vampire these days. Ironically, I'm not the one doing the sucking. innuendo not intended.

2. I'm a semi-vampire these days. Ironically, I'm not the one doing the sucking. Other semi-vampires i know probably do. Innuendo AND sarcasm intended.

2a. Being a semi-vampire drains the youth out of me, somehow. I wish it doesnt. But no matter what--come hell, high water, or premature ageing, there's always my pack of yosi menthols and extra joss to keep me company to bring me comfort. so they're dangerous to my health or something, yeah. surgeon general says, blah blah. but then whatever. maybe when the right time comes i'll quit.

3. I'm a semi anti-male bigot as well. Just realized that lately--like, five years ago. Can't shake off the preconceived notion that most males are primarily driven by their egos and/or libidos. So when I come across a male who's either condescending or something short of lascivious, all my defenses act up. Fully automated. Put on the tiger look. Carry on the don't-you-dare-make-the-wrong-move-on-me mien. It's been with me for so long, it's become a reactive habit.
4. I wonder why, cos I've had a wonderful decent man for a father for as long as I can remember. Never had those harrowing scarring male-induced traumatic experiences at all. And yes, I was breastfed.
5. So maybe I'm just a plain mental case. Between normal and abnormal. Not nuts enough for the nuthouse, not normal enough for the normal world. How comfy.
5. I'm letting it go. Loosening my hold on it. I love ideals too much. I breathe out angst but in deep I'm a pathetic romantic. Last night was one more to add to the glitches in my universe, though. One more to add to the list of Things That Rub the Truth In. Ooh, so you and I have the same tastes, eh. How interesting. I suppose you find yourself immensely attractive as well.
5a. Lemme tell ya though. I wish your hair would grow out. Like, outtie OUT.
5b. And bring back the preppy clothes, please.
5c. On second thought, don't. It would be best if I grew out of this little mis-anomaly in each and every "unideal" thing that I see. So being a semi-vampire is draining the youth out of you as well. One more successful EB and you'll be back and glowing. "Revitalized", to use your term.
5d. And don't be sad. It makes me sad as well. Knowing why. Shuts me out of that inner world you're in, ya know. Not that I know you that well but well, whatever. Maybe I don't really wanna know you at all.
6. Hohum. Sleepy. I wish life wouldn't be so drab when this is over.
7. P.S. Can we be friends, at least? Maybe, just maybe, if you show a little more flair, do the rolling-eyes bit more often, then I would forget all about my silly frog prince myths and end up adding you to my list of harmless dickachikamigas. Now wouldn't that be fah-bulous? I can give you my big warm hugs and share your kiligs and all that sh*#t. And maybe, just maybe, you can give me survival advice when the next mis-anomalous case that I get myself into gets ugly. Given the fact that you know a lot about those things, firsthand.
8. Oh mehn I'm real sleepy. It's the extra joss, yknow.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

One More to Add to A Glitch in the Universe

One more to add... a hundred or so cigarettes smoked in the past 3 years 24 birthdays that mark a pseudo-existence countless sleepless nights at work the countless reality checks I've had regarding that person the list of disappointing realizations I've had about that person countless sweet-sad melancholy moments in the presence of that person the list of things to finish if I were a conscientious mind several wasted moments writing cathartic prose

On the night of my birthday I texted a friend on impulse. If everything were in perfect harmony, the universe will not evolve. Kung swak ang lahat, kung tugma ang lahat ng bagay, wala nang rason ang universe to continually struggle for harmony. So discord--those little glitches and mismatches--keeps the universe alive.

Pseudo-philo babble. But my friend knew where I was coming from, and he gave me the same damn sane advice that everyone's been offering up ever since. Ok. Got it. But life's a little boring without these little glitches, friend. I've become a semi-single tracked mind, the long-term dream has taken a temporary backseat for these little emotional distractions, but on the bright side, maybe I should be glad. Baka nga nakakatulong pa sa evolution ng universe ang katangahan ko.

I'm mad at myself, because that's a lot of bull. I know. A little research on the internet should tell me enough about what I don't really want to know about you. And a little refocusing and redirection should get me back in line. Hey! I live for the Dream. However I get there, by what medium or means. That's the purpose of my friggin pseudo existence.

Come to think of it, I don't really want to know everything about you. I don't want to know anything that would disillusion and hurt me. For as long as I'm not immune and neutral I will always be walled-in. It's a cul-de-sac I'm smashing myself into and really, how I LONG to be over this. Just as much as how I long to get a lot of important things done on my daily to-do list.

You're just another glitch in the universe. But I'm lying, actually. Life's boring without the glitches. Or maybe my universe has just become too small.

God, how I long to...
...get in bed and kiss the world good night (at 3pm)
...finish the things I need to do tonight a really good movie
...get my own laptop, TV, and a new pair of shoes
...go back to a pristine, beautiful beach with friends or family
...find time to make that storyboard for my next baby video project
...find time to reenergize
...find time to have a full 8-hour sleep--without the guilt a sane person once again.

Thursday, April 14, 2005


Life these days is...
...working nearly 24/7 in the polar regions of ABSCBN.
...a constant battle with deadlines, timecodes, and serial numbers
...all about AUDIO/VIDEO. NATSOT included.
...a flurry of nightly vigils, morning fatigue, and costly cab rides home
...having several days bunching up into one looooong day, with few stolen hours of sleep in between.
...hardly being home. arriving and leaving. missing my bed.
...indulging in escapist solitude at the smoking room.
...being with the same people every single gawddang working day.
...loving the same people every single gawddang working (and non-working) day.
...trooping to the nearby Ministop for a nightly supply of coffee, extra joss, and Marlboro Menthols.
...singing ala Fiona, Nina, or Spongecola when the mood arises.
...learning how to sleep while walking.
...learning how to sleep while writing.

Ah, the show. An adventure in itself. In August I'll look back to these moments and wallow. Then it's on to the next adventure. And on and on and on until we're finally there.

I've since realized that non-normal girls like me won't have normal lives. So live with that, Bluey. Resign yourself to a non-normal life. It would probably be much easier that way.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

something's gotta change mah world...

Across The Universe

Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
Are drifting through my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Something's gotta change my world
Something's gotta change my world

Images of broken light
Which dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a
letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way across
the universe

Jai guru deva om
Something's gotta change my world
Something's gotta change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of earth
Are ringing through my open views
Inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love
Which shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Something's gotta change my world
Something's gotta change my world

Jai guru deva

Sunday, April 03, 2005

still stuck (in the same old cycle...i'm gettin boring, really)

i'm a schizo now and it ain't funny. i like monologues too much.

just a little sad today, actually. the chain-smoking has gotten a bit worse, and it ain't cool, mehn, stuffing all that bad gas into your lungs, if dying is not in your master plan for the next forty years.

smoking kills, surgeon general says. my head comprehends, but i do it anyway.

my head comprehends the truth, but i feel the same anyway. you think it would matter, kermit? when you learned about what i already know some 24 hours ago, you think it would keep the silly frog princess away? i suppose not. you probably have seen these things before. i'm a strange girl but you're un-strangely perceptive, having to deal with all these silly lovestruck females all the time. haha. poor you.

i hate these little conversations that i have with myself. schizo, schizo.

it should matter, bluey. SHOULD, dammit. it should make all the friggin difference. truth hurts, but you can't just mentally omit that little detail and keep on with the illusion. it's pathetic.

it's pathetic to resent people, too, just because they have better odds than you when it comes to getting the one you want. it's completely irrational but i've come to resent it. the underhanded pa-pechay. the repeated coincidences. i'm such a bad person. so it's nothing. i'll get used to it. whether it would be a successful conquest or not remains to be seen, but it will no longer matter, two months from now.

i've been through this anyway. i've seen worse. four months ago, when I actually saw my gay lola making active pa-pechay to that bi-looking talent manager at LVN. so i'm praning now. i'm wondering why he seemed interested to know what course did the beeyatch take in college. on the surface the interest could be idle, but it's those little details that make your ears prick up. those little details that could break your heart eventually.

whatever, really. just one of the things that rub the truth in. i want to believe that everything's just gonna blow over, though. because everything was just romanticized, anyway.

i'm such a bad person.