still stuck (in the same old cycle...i'm gettin boring, really)

i'm a schizo now and it ain't funny. i like monologues too much.

just a little sad today, actually. the chain-smoking has gotten a bit worse, and it ain't cool, mehn, stuffing all that bad gas into your lungs, if dying is not in your master plan for the next forty years.

smoking kills, surgeon general says. my head comprehends, but i do it anyway.

my head comprehends the truth, but i feel the same anyway. you think it would matter, kermit? when you learned about what i already know some 24 hours ago, you think it would keep the silly frog princess away? i suppose not. you probably have seen these things before. i'm a strange girl but you're un-strangely perceptive, having to deal with all these silly lovestruck females all the time. haha. poor you.

i hate these little conversations that i have with myself. schizo, schizo.

it should matter, bluey. SHOULD, dammit. it should make all the friggin difference. truth hurts, but you can't just mentally omit that little detail and keep on with the illusion. it's pathetic.

it's pathetic to resent people, too, just because they have better odds than you when it comes to getting the one you want. it's completely irrational but i've come to resent it. the underhanded pa-pechay. the repeated coincidences. i'm such a bad person. so it's nothing. i'll get used to it. whether it would be a successful conquest or not remains to be seen, but it will no longer matter, two months from now.

i've been through this anyway. i've seen worse. four months ago, when I actually saw my gay lola making active pa-pechay to that bi-looking talent manager at LVN. so i'm praning now. i'm wondering why he seemed interested to know what course did the beeyatch take in college. on the surface the interest could be idle, but it's those little details that make your ears prick up. those little details that could break your heart eventually.

whatever, really. just one of the things that rub the truth in. i want to believe that everything's just gonna blow over, though. because everything was just romanticized, anyway.

i'm such a bad person.